Moving On

Disclaimer: I obviously still do not own the rights to CSI.

Chapter Eleven

From the last chapter:

"You're right. I did think you wouldn't care that I was gone," Sara told him.

"The truth is, once you were gone, I realized just how important you were to me. I feel awful for rejecting you for so long. I was hoping that maybe, we could make up for it," he said.

Finally, Sara spoke, "Grissom, I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything right now. You can take a lot of time to think if you need to. All I want to know is if you'd be willing to finally try out some sort of a relationship with me," he told her, his heart pounding in the intervening moments of silence.

"I don't think I can," Sara said softly.

"What?" Grissom felt as if someone had just jabbed a knife between his ribs.

"Grissom, do you have any idea how many years I hoped you'd say those words?" she asked.

"Quite a bit longer than you deserved to, I'd imagine," he responded carefully.

"Why did you have to wait until now? You should have said something sooner," Sara sighed.

"I know, I have screwed things up so many times," Grissom told her, "I was afraid to try a relationship that I knew could end up being serious. I was afraid of possibly screwing things up. I've been terrified of hurting you."

"Didn't you know that by pushing me away you were hurting me anyway?" she whispered.

"I guess I never thought about that," he said slowly, "I know I'm oblivious sometimes, but I do notice you Sara."

"After our talk, when I told you that I came to Vegas because of you, I began to realize that even if your feelings were mutual, you would never be able to return them. I was surprised when you came to my apartment after Ecklie suspended me. I was glad that you were there for me, I want you to know that I really appreciated that," she suddenly felt like she was going to cry, "when I came back to work though, and things went back to the way they were before, I finally knew it was time for me to move on. I had tried to before that, but that was the final straw for me."

Now it was Grissom who was speechless.

Sara wiped away the tears that had threatened to fall, composing herself, "Both of us know that I was miserable and I was going to burn out. I had been contemplating what I should do. I guess the thing that pushed me to look for a job somewhere else was hearing about your dinner with Sofia. I realized I would never get over you while you were right there, especially if you were paying attention to another woman. I thought working somewhere new would stop my downward spiral. And I was right. I'm here, I'm happy with my new job and my new co-workers. It really pains me to say no to you, but I think it is really best for us both."

"So my coming here was a big mistake. I'm just wasting my time?" Grissom sputtered, suddenly a little angry, mostly at himself.

"Don't do this," Sara said softly, "don't make feel guilty. You have no idea how many times you would do something that would give me a glittering hope that you might one day come to your senses, and then in a flash you'd take it away. You hurt me so many times, Grissom. I finally realized, I was just bringing myself down by holding onto something that would never realistically happen."

"But I'm here now," he said, near tears himself.

She sniffled, "We could have had a great life together. But now it's just too late. I've moved on Gris, I have a new life. I'm happy here, you can't just show up and expect I'll come running back to you. I'm sorry, but you blew your chances. As much as this is going to hurt, I know in the end it's for the best. I let my heart fixate on you for so long, and now it's finally starting to heal. I can't let my heart fall back into its old ways, there's just been too much damage done."

Grissom turned his face down, trying to hide his tears, "You're right Sara. It was ridiculous of me to think I could come and get my way. I should have known when Nicky told me that you were happy, I should have let you go. Ultimately, that's what I want. If I can't be with you, I want to know that you're happy with your life. I'm sorry I came in and messed up things for you."

"Even if I was willing to try a relationship, it could never work. You're in Nevada and I'm in Colorado and I could never ask you to leave Vegas. We just let things get too far, and I want you to know that you're not all to blame. You've been an important influence in my life and I've learned so much from you. We can't just let our friendship end like this, can we?" she asked.

"I don't know," he said, "it seems like such a waste to let our friendship die, but it can't ever be the same as it was. If you're willing to try staying friends, I will make the effort," he told her, clearly miserable.

"Okay," Sara said, avoiding his sad, blue eyes. She hated to see him heartbroken, knowing it was her doing. Ultimately, she knew that she would not regret her decision. It was going to hurt for a while, but it had to happen. There had to be some form of closure between them, they couldn't let things go on as they'd left them when she headed for Denver.

They sat, avoiding eye contact until the waitress brought their meals and Grissom asked to take his to go. She brought him a carryout box and he carelessly dumped his meal inside and stood.

He took a deep breath, "Goodbye Sara."

"Bye," she said, her voice barely above a whisper and not even looking up. She couldn't bare to see his face. She knew she had hurt him.

Sara sat miserably poking at her food until she couldn't take sitting in the restaurant any longer. She got up to pay and leave, only to find Grissom had taken care of both of their meals. She drove back to her apartment and fell onto her bed. She wished all the thoughts swirling through her mind would stop, but instead they picked up in fury. Her head throbbed painfully and she popped a couple of pain pills.

Seeing the sad, pitiful look on Grissom's face in her mind, she began to sob. Of course, this was what Sara wanted. She had wanted it since she had picked up and left him behind, but never thought she'd have the opportunity or the courage to do so. She just had to keep reminding herself that she was happy in Denver, that her life had felt more complete since Grissom had not been a major part of it. Yet when he did say that he was finally ready to admit his feelings, part of her wanted to forget the whole new job, and just pick up and go back to Vegas with him. Then she managed to reason to herself that it was not realistic to just pick up and leave, she had a commitment to the Denver lab and it wouldn't be right for her to abandon them after she had approached them for a job. She had been the one, after all who had decided that she needed to get past the stage in her life that involved Grissom.

By the time she had to go to work, she had managed to get her emotions relatively under control. She was certain that she would still appear haggard as she felt miserable. All she could do was hope that her co-workers would sense that she needed to be left alone for the evening. Fortunately for Sara, everyone else was still busy with their own cases, leaving her to work the previous night's case on her own. She felt the time alone would be good for her mind to focus on work without having to worry about people around her.

A/N: Not quite sure where it's going from here, but this one feels like it's ending soon too. Somehow, I have the feeling a lot of you aren't going to be too happy with this chapter…oh well, it's the way I wrote it.