FDB: I guess now would be a good time to run through Jamie's past. It does say in the summary 'past of broken hearts', and now you'll find out just how broken hearted he is.

Chapter 9: These wounds won't seem to heal.

We made it out of Bevelle by the skin of our teeth. I still can't remember what I did to Seymour. I can't remember the 'what', but I can remember the 'why'. The why, is that Seymour woke up a disturbing memory in my mind. A memory that I have tried to bury. Why did it remind me of that night?

I asked Wakka what had happened and he looked at me like I was a lunatic. Am I? I explained that I kinda lost myself, and I couldn't remember a thing.

"All I saw was you breathin' real deep. I thought you were hyperventilatin' or somethin'. Then you just rushed Seymour. You were faster than usual, and I think that's what caught him off guard. You hacked of his arm, causing him to drop Yuna, but Kimahri caught her. Then you released at least three of those Wind Scars on him. He dropped like a fly, but you kept hackin' into him. Auron eventually got you to run with us. Man…I know we have to protect Yuna, but your goin' to the extremes, ya?"

So I unloaded on Seymour? I'm not surprised. That was a pretty rough memory that he woke up. Okay Jamie, just try to forget. Calm down. We all gathered at a small clearing in the woods, and I just dropped on the first spot I could find. Auron passed by, and looked like he was going to say something to me, but I discouraged him with a dirty look. I just wanted to be alone right now.

-

I drifted off to sleep, but that kid didn't show up. Guess he wants to leave me alone, too. I did dream though. It was that night. Instead of the gang leader, Seymour had, not Stephanie, but Yuna by the hair with a knife to her throat. Kinoc was there, and he shot me in the arm. Even though it was just a dream, it still hurt like hell. I dropped to my knee, holding my bleeding arm.

I looked up, and Seymour and Yuna were gone. In their place was Tidus' dad. For some odd reason, he had Tetsusaiga. He stepped to the side, and there laid Yuna. He raised Tetsusaiga, and I watched the wisps of the Wind Scar surround the blade. I tried to get between Jecht and Yuna, but I was stuck where I was. He brought it down, and I watched the streams of the Wind Scar engulf and devour Yuna's body. Her screams were all too real. I fought to wake up, fought to end this nightmare.

-

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I sat up, breathing heavily, glancing around. My hand went to my belt, and I felt Tetsusaiga safe in its sheath. Everyone was staring at me. Minus Yuna, Tidus, and Kimahri. I caught my breath and got shakily to my feet. Thank God it was all just a dream. This memory is not going to be so easy to suppress.

"Tidus and Yuna have been a while," Wakka said. "One of us should go check on them."

"Not it!" Rikku shouted.

"Count me out," Wakka said, quickly.

"I'm not their babysitter," Auron grunted.

I glanced over to Lulu, but she just smiled and said, "I'm sure Jamie won't make me look for them, will you Jamie?" As she said this, electricity arced over her hands as she gripped a new doll: one of those walking cacti.

My eyes widened slightly, and I ran off. Lulu scares me sometimes. Now, where would they be? I climbed up on the shining trail through the treetops, and looked around. I saw a small patch of blue fur through the trees and knew it had to be Kimahri. Grinning, I ran down the path and eventually found him.

"Hey, Kimahri," I said, "What's up?"

"Shh!" he growled quietly. He pointed out to where he as looking. It was the same lake where we fought the Jell-o thing. Tidus and Yuna were out in the middle of the lake, talking. I think I heard Yuna crying. I looked up at Kimahri, but he just stood there like a giant furry statue. When I turned back to Tidus and Yuna, I saw that they were kissing.

I was awestruck. They were kissing. I could tell, even from a distance, that it wasn't fake. They both meant it. Tidus has only been in Spira for about three or four days longer than me, and he's already found love? When I first met these guys, I got to thinking about it. I thought getting dropped in Spira would be a good thing. Having a clean slate to work with. How can people find love so fucking fast?

I couldn't stand to look anymore. I ran. I ran up the glimmering path, and didn't stop 'til I came to a huge flower looking thing. I plopped down next to it and just cried. Why? Why did everything around me have to be like this? How come people can find love and I can't? What's wrong with me? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

"Jamie…"

I looked up, and through the blur of my tears, I saw the Fayth. He was floating there. Looking at me. I knew he was, even though I couldn't see his eyes under his hood.

"Fuck off…"

"…I'm…we're sorry, Jamie. When we brought you to Spira, we had no idea your past was so painful. We saw that you had a good heart, but what we did not see was your inner turmoil."

"Keen observation there, Fuckface."

"You want to go home."

"…Hell yeah I want to go home. -sniff- That's why I've been sticking with Yuna. So you and your fucking butt buddies will get me the fuck outta here!"

"You can go home."

"Huh?"

"All you have to do," he said, looking down, "is jump."

"Jump? So if I die, I can go home?" I asked as I rubbed my eyes. "No strings attached?"

"Nope. Just jump, and you'll be back home. With no memory of what happened here."

No memory. That means I'll be back to my old self. I won't have memories like getting my ass kicked by Rikku, getting attacked by cacti. I won't remember Seymour, the memory of that night will still be suppressed, I can forget all about Sin, and Yuna, and Auron, and everyone else. I'll forget everything that happened in Spira. I'll be wondering why I have a bunch off needle scars, but small price.

"Ready?"

As I'll ever be. I walked over to the edge, looking down. Quick drop, and I'm home. I looked over at the Fayth kid, but he was gone. I sighed and looked down again. I raised a foot over the edge, and closed my eyes. Just think. Just think of what awaits one step away: Liberty Island Fourth of Julys…greasy hot dogs at Yankee Stadium…Mom, Dad, my stupid little sister, Rebecca…plumbing. All that, and all I had to do was take one…more…step…

"Jamie?"

I opened my eyes, and saw Rikku standing on the path below me. She was staring at me, with a sad look in her eyes. I pulled my leg back and stared back.

"What do you want, Rikku?"

"I heard you shout. Everyone else called 'not it' and I came to find you. Were you going to jump?"

"…Yes. I was about to jump."

"Why would you want to kill yourself?"

"The Fay…the kid that brought me here said that if I jumped I could go home. That's the whole reason for me following Yuna on her pilgrimage: so that kid would send me home. I should think you of all people would understand. I have a chance to go home. If you could go home, then you'd do the same."

"…You may be right, but why not wait things out? You said that you followed Yunie so the kid would send you home. Will he do it when Yunie defeats Sin?"

"I hope so. But I'm saving him the trouble."

I raised my foot, about to leap when Rikku asked, "That's not the only reason, is it?"

I paused and thought it over. Was home my only motive? Was that the only reason I was ending my Spira adventure now? No, it wasn't. I guess if I'm going to leave, I owe her an explanation.

"Things have become…complicated. That fight with Seymour woke up a disturbing memory that I have worked for the better part of a year to suppress. He reminded me of something that happened back home."

"Want to talk about it? I could help."

"No!" Help was the last thing I wanted. "Don't help me. I don't need help."

"Don't need it or don't want it?" She began to walk up the path to me. I pulled Tetsusaiga out of its sheath and pointed it at her. She yelped and jumped back slightly.

"Neither! You want to know why? Last time someone tried to help me, something horrible happened! I don't want anyone to get hurt. So leave. Me. ALONE!"

We just stood there for about a minute. I was glaring at her, and I saw her eyes begin to water. Good. Maybe if she starts crying, she'll give up and run off. If not, I'll just keep pushing her away.

"What's going on here? We heard a scream."

I tilted my head, and saw Auron and the others running up the path. Just great. If Rikku was alone, I could have drove her off easily. Now we have a stubborn old man, an optimistic numbskull, and a hard-headed summoner. Not to mention the others. I can't drive all of them away.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"You call pointing your sword at Rikku nothing?" Yuna asked.

I didn't answer. They shouldn't worry themselves. "Walk away. Just walk away, and everything will be fine."

"And what is your definition of 'fine'?" Auron asked. "Does it involve threatening a little girl and committing suicide?"

"If you knew about my past, you'd understand."

"But we do," Tidus said. "You have problems with girls. They're never serious when it comes to relationships."

"Tidus, you dumb fuck. You don't know anything about my past."

"If you'd tell us," Lulu said, "we might be able to sort things out."

"We can help you Jamie…" Yuna said.

"NO! I don't want help! You could never understand! None of you could! You could never comprehend what I've been through!"

"Tell us what you've been through and we'll try!" Rikku shouted.

By then I was getting angry. They want me to explain. Let's see if they like this explanation. I reached up to the collar of my shirt with me left hand and ripped it off. I heard the fabric rip, and when what I wanted to show them was visible, I stopped, half of my shirt still flapping on my right side. I held up my left arm so they couldn't miss it.

On the underside of my left bicep, a chunk of the flesh was missing, covered in scar tissue. On my side, where my kidney was, was a long scar that reached around to my back. They all just stared at my old scars, the scars that I got on that night. The night I tried to be a hero.

"See these? You want to know why I freaked on Seymour? He woke up a memory from a year ago. It was the night I got these scars."

-

Remember when I told you that I couldn't find real love? That the girls only pretended to like me to get into my wallet and get a cheap laugh? That was completely true. It was always like that. Until Stephanie.

She was the only one that cared. What she felt was genuine. She really liked me. We were going out for about a month. We went to see a movie, and we decided to detour through Central Park.

We were walking along, out much later than we were supposed to be. We didn't care. All we cared about was being with each other. We were talking about the movie, when this gang came out of nowhere. There was about five of them. They wanted the basic stuff: money, jewelry, and other valuables. We gladly handed over all we had. But then their leader noticed Stephanie's bracelet.

He asked for it. I had saved my money for three weeks to buy it for her. It was 14 karat gold, and she didn't want to give it up. The leader decided to take it by force, and tried to pull it from her wrist. I had my right arm around her, so I pulled her back and punched him with my left. That was where I got the scar under my arm.

One of his friends shot me. It grazed my arm, but was still enough to take a bit out of me. Stephanie knelt beside me to look at it, and one of them pulled the bracelet off. She reached for it, but got slapped by the guy that took it. Despite the blood gushing from my arm, I ran and punched him with my good arm. I was beating him pretty bad for only having one arm.

The leader called out to me. I turned and he had Stephanie by the hair with a knife to her throat. The guy I was fighting knocked me in the jaw pretty hard, but I didn't go down. The leader asked only to let them all go, and Stephanie would live. I backed down, and he let her go.

After making sure she was okay, I rushed the leader, knocking him in the face, then bringing his head down onto my knee. He whipped out a knife and cut my in the side. It hurt like hell and I dropped. His friends started kicking me while I was down. Stephanie tried to stop them, but she couldn't. It was hard for the leader to speak through the blood in his mouth and the broken nose, but he called them all off. He gave one last command before they left. Words that will echo through my memory forever.

"Ice his bitch."

They shot her, right in front off me. I was bleeding in torrents, but I didn't care. I crawled over to her, not wanting to believe she was dead. Using the last of my strength, I picked her up with my good arm and carried her to the nearest phone booth. I managed to dial 911, and mutter the street name where we were and the words 'Blood…shot…help'. I passed out after that.

When I came to, they had blood being pumped into me and my cut and gunshot wound patched up. I asked the nurse where Stephanie was, but she remained silent. Stephanie's family and mine came in, all of them crying. They kept saying Stephanie was dead, and I kept calling them liars. I didn't want to believe that the one girl that genuinely loved me was dead.

She was. I attended her funeral, nothing more. I didn't speak to anyone for about a month. I tried again and again to find someone I could be with, but I kept coming back to Stephanie. I kept hoping that I would find someone like her, as impossible it may have been to replace her.

-

"And now you know…"

They were all silent for a while. I understand all of that would be pretty hard to take in. They're probably not going to let me jump now. Yuna was the first to speak.

"That's…horrible… How could someone do something like that?"

I just shrugged. I don't think anyone will understand what goes through the minds of killers. All I know is that their leader didn't care whether we lived or died. They were eventually caught, but the guy was still so fucking smug.

"But you kept trying to fill that void where Stephanie was, right?" Rikku asked.

"I did. It was hopeless, though. Nothing could fill the hole in my heart. I considered killing myself so I could be with her, but something kept stopping me."

"What?" Tidus asked.

"Ever heard the phrase 'Curiosity killed the cat'? That's bullshit. It got to where curiosity was the only thing keeping me alive. That nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will go my way. Something might happen tomorrow that goes my way. What if I die, and the tomorrow I've been waiting for was the next day?

"But I'm not really dying here. I'm just leaving, going home. I want to go home."

They were all silent. Maybe they were going to let me jump after all. Doubt it, though. I do have a sad story, but these guys seem like the type of group that's unbelievably persistent, and they still want to help me.

"Jamie…" Rikku said timidly, stepping forward. "Why don't you give it one more day? Just one more day. 24 hours, then you can jump, and I…I won't stop you."

I looked over at the others. They seemed to like the idea. I looked over the edge, then back to Tetsusaiga, which I still held in my right hand. If I do jump, I'll leave Tetsusaiga with them, so they can use it on Sin. I looked back to the others, but felt someone touch the side of my face. Rikku turned my head to look me right in the eye.

"Don't do it for them. Do it for…me. You've been a good friend, and I don't want you to leave…"

Like I said earlier, Rikku can be very persuasive. And she didn't even have to use a grenade this time. I sheathed Tetsusaiga, and walked down to the others. They all parted to let me through. I stopped walking, and, without turning back to them, said, "One more day. No more, no less."

I walked back to the clearing with the others behind me and dropped to the same spot I was laying earlier. I laid on the grass, staring at the stars I could see through the branches. One more day. One more day.

FDB: Sad, isn't it. Jamie's had it hard. Next chapter they go to the Calm Lands, but can they calm Jamie down? I hope you people are happy. I stayed up 'til 11:15 typing this up. The least you could do is review.

A/N: I don't want the African American audience to think that I'm calling them gang members. You're not. Some are, but not all. Blame The Wire and Oz.