Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Joss's, ME's etc.
Warning: M/M
Summary: Giles discovers Buffy's secret. Angelus continues in his attempt to bring Spike to his side, but the tools he uses appear to be double edgedand cut both ways.
Chapter 4
Seduction and Doubt
It had been worth a try but he remembered that it had always been thus. Pain brought forth only venomous defiance. He smiled to himself, as much as such defiance frustrated him, he was also enormously proud of his childe's strength. Still, it was time to move on and find a new method, Angelus was never one to stick to lost causes.
He cast his mind back to Spike's passionate kiss and his reaction to drunken words of love, the barely hidden need of a new fledgling. With this in mind he carefully removed a new tool from his artist's collection. One that he looked forward to immensely. It was called seduction
He released his childe from the chains that bound him and lowered the unconscious form into a bathtub, steaming with water. With immeasurable gentleness his large hands bathed and cleansed. He stroked a sponge over pale skin and cascaded the healing warmth of the water through his hair. The care continued as broken bones were set and bandages applied to wounds.
He slashed his own breast, watching blood form swollen droplets that welled and trickled an enticing trail down his chest, the scent of it automatically roused Spike. He drew his weakened, starving childe to the cut and waited for that delicious tug as blood returned to blood, the sluggish pull as he felt again the familial bond. Instead he let out a sigh as Spike refused the nourishment and turned his face away. But Angelus could not allow this refusal.
"William, childe. You must feed." He planted a soft kiss on his brow. "No more pain, Will. Come back to me. Feed."
He dipped his finger into the red trail and smeared it over lips that denied him. Spike could not resist, his catlike tongue darted out and cleansed the blood away. It was with satisfaction he watched those blue eyes flicker, pleading for more. Again Angelus pulled him to his chest and cradled his close, this time Spike did not turn away. He put his mouth to the cut and lethal fangs slashed deeper.
Angelus fed the famished vampire the sustenance he needed to heal, offering encouragement with gentle purrs and growls of approval.
Spike spent days sleeping in a soft bed, Sire's blood knitting his body back to perfection. When he stirred, sleep-filled eyes found that dark shape looming in the twilight of the room.
Angelus considered the figure stretched before him, the mixture of innocence and knowing colliding in rainy-day eyes. How could Darla have resisted such a cocktail, when his own stolen body had returned to her with soulful eyes, heartbreaking loneliness and delicious confusion? It was beautiful. But she was never one to explore such mysteries.
The demon had no patience for weakness or injury but Spike's condition intrigued him, a demon coexisting with that spark of divinity. He remembered hiding from that light when the usurping soul had conquered his preternatural body. He sensed that Spike's demon fared better, it seemed to have struck an odd compact with the soul, the holy and the profane had founded an uneasy truce that he had never managed.
Angelus felt a strange sort of pride in his childe. A vampire who fought for his soul! It made him laugh aloud. Only his childe would imagine such a thing, would attempt such a thing. Only his childe would succeed. He wanted to drag him from his sleep and take him to the dangerous parts of the city, let other demons sense the soul and offer mockery and condemnation, even the soul would allow defensive combat against monsters. His demon would be released and Angelus and William would hunt again, wreaking carnage and mayhem on laughing, contemptuous demons. The world would learn to shake in terror when Angelus and his ensouled childe roamed the night. Then afterwards to bring him back to their rooms and call forth that innocence and purity; test it, tease it, protect it - it was mouth-watering. He needed to touch, he wearied of hurt and torture and instead caressed where he had earlier ripped.
Spike had been without his beloved Angel for many months. Lying in the soft bed he'd been dreaming he was home and safe with Angel. In the drowsiness of awakening, the taste of powerful blood and the feel of cool skin on his he whispered, "I've missed you, Sire."
As Angelus heard these words he was perturbed to realise that the pain he'd inflicted hadn't been about torture. It had been a reason to touch his recalcitrant childe in a manner they could both accept. It had been a declaration and a plea. He remembered how, with each blow, each cut, each flick of the whip he had whispered the command.
"Stay."
After each bite he would lick the wound and whisper it into the skin, letting the blood carry the message through the body.
The pain and the seduction fused together to create a new picture, one that he'd begun one hundred and twenty years ago. One that Darla had seen emerging and forbade him from finishing. It was a picture of lust and obsession, but not for her. He could see it painted on Spike's face and knew it was reflected on his own. Rainy-day eyes were clearing to azure and Angelus wanted to breathe in that brightness and warmth, for those blue-sky eyes and bright sunshine hair were all he would ever have of the daytime world. All he would ever need.
He opened a vein again, this time not to heal but rather to feel those strong teeth piercing his skin and to hear those suckling, snuffling sounds as his childe attempted to find a place for himself somewhere under his skin, without realising that he had been under Angelus' skin since their first meeting, a bond created through flesh that smouldered under the dying rays of the sun, flesh that had smouldered ever since. He could feel the body beneath him grow hard with the suffusion of blood, making the feeding more frantic.
As much as Angel loved Spike, there was something he, Angelus, could do that his souled self had always feared, constrained by the curse and potential happiness. Angelus stopped the feeding and demanded that his childe retract his fangs before he had reached satisfaction and spilt useless seed.
He began his seduction, unbuttoning his shirt and watching the reaction of his childe as each button revealed more flesh, until his broad chest was exposed and he slipped the silky cloth from his shoulders. He flung it on to a chair and each movement caused the muscles in his powerful arms to flex, the light catching and highlighting their strength. Spike watched wide-eyed. It felt unreal, a private fantasy bursting to life.
Angelus once again settled above that pale, cool body, feeling it responding to him, leaning forward to kiss away blood from stained lips. In his dreamlike state Spike found nothing strange in these kisses. Angel would occasionally take blood from his mouth, playful and loving. In drowsy confusion he allowed the dream to unfold as the kisses changed from playful, to hard and demanding. Opening his mouth, tasting and searching, Spike lost himself to the sensation.
Angelus broke away, wondering who was seducing who.
"Hell's teeth childe! How could I have resisted this for so long?"
He returned to his childe with loving touches, Spike slowly realised that this was Angelus. The tenderness and warmth was all Angelus. He felt as though he was hanging on to his sanity by a thread. He murmured unintelligible meaningless words.
Angelus drew back slightly, his breath whispering over Spike's skin.
"You could have this. Every day this could be yours. Do you want it?"
"Christ, yes…" How could he refuse his sire? He'd wanted it for so long.
"See how easy it can be?" Angelus said with a smirk. "It's all yours, through an eternity of lifetimes."
"Is this what you want?" Spike asked in wonder.
"Hmmm…let me think about that."
He leant across and licked Spike across his mouth.
"Tastes good."
His hands followed the contours of his face.
"Feels pretty good."
He stared at Spike.
"Looks ok…"
"Bollocks!" Then more uncertainly he added, "Only ok?"
"Yeah, you know, passable."
Angelus pulled the covers slowly down, exposing more of his body. He gazed with covetous eyes. "Ah now, hasn't that improved the view? You look debauched. It suits you. Yeah, I've thought enough. I want."
Just for a moment, as he gazed into soft brown eyes that sparked with desire, Spike forgot the torture and pain, and saw instead a new world of possibility opening up before him.
"So how is this gonna work? You'll give up hunting humans or maybe if you took only the evil-doers…"
"I'll hunt who I want." He moved a hand over the chest, coming to rest above the heart he had stilled so many months ago. "But I won't make you join in."
"I'll be joining in alright."
Angelus spread his hand, admiring how large and masculine it appeared against the pale, taut stomach.
"You're really coming around aren't you? Damn it I'm good!" One finger trailed into his belly button and played gently inside.
Spike tensed and took a shuddering breath then slowly breathed out. Angelus nodded his approval as muscles that had clenched nervously to his touch, relaxed slightly.
"I mean, I'll follow you and I'll fight you at every turn. Get off me you, bloody ape." He squirmed as though he really wished to throw his sire off and prevent further exploration.
"You'll stay in our lair and wait for me. You know why?" Angelus asked.
Spike shook his head, almost lost to the feeling that the inquisitive touch was stirring up.
"You'll stay with me because every night this will be yours, all the physical passion you could never share with Angel." He stopped all movement. "Because I am your sire and you need this from me."
Spike was breathing heavily.
"Oh god, Sire!"
It was the 'sire' that did it for Angelus. Spike was his boy, his childe, his plaything. Maybe next time he would call him Master. The thought caused his whole body to shudder in anticipation. Spike let his eyes drift shut. He wanted this forever.
"Are you really going to let this go? Are you so pigheaded that you refuse to compromise?"
Spike opened his eyes and answered him with passionate honesty.
"Yeah, course I frigging want this! But it's you who refuses compromise. What are you prepared to give up for me? No, don't answer. I already know. Nothing."
Angelus answered with equal passion.
"When Angel came to Darla, he was prepared to drink from evil-doers and to ignore his family's cull of the innocents. I've offered you a compromise that he would have died for and whaddya know? It's not enough. Nothing is ever enough for you is it, Childe? Not satisfied until you've cut off my balls and have me following meekly like some frigging eunuch."
"No, I don't want that. You know what I want? I want Angel. I want to have this with Angel. I want to be with someone I can trust."
"Someone you love." Angelus sneered.
"I love you, too. Can't help it. But it isn't enough. I've had my fill of unrequited love. I need someone who will reciprocate, love me back."
Angelus turned away as though deeply hurt, hiding the calculating look that chased fleetingly across his features. It was as he suspected, this was the key. Spike had handed it to him many years ago. Love could defeat him. Love was all powerful. Angelus decided to woo his childe with love.
"Don't you know? This has always been about love. How could you not know that?"
"You're saying you love me?"
"And you're what? Surprised? I told you earlier, of course I freaking love you."
"Yeah, really feeling it, in every blow and every deceit."
"Hey, just my way. Demon here."
"Uh huh. Don't know what game you're playing but I've finished. No more games. Nada. Zilch."
"You think all this has been games." He swept a hand and indicated them both. "It has always been about love, you idiot."
"If you loved me you'd let me go."
"Cute. If you loved me you'd stay."
"You're selfish."
"Yet you still love me."
"Don't do this to me."
"Love is supposed to conquer all."
Spike turned his head away.
"It's just a saying, in my experience it's easily vanquished."
"Stay. Let me love you. I want to care for you, make sure nothing hurts you again."
"Including you?"
"I'm sorry." Angelus hung his head. "What can I say? It's my nature."
"I'm a demon, too." Spike admitted. "Part of me needs the passion and the pain."
Angelus came forward and pulled him into his arms.
"I know." He said and softly stroked his hair, teasing it into curls.
The gentle touch almost unmanned Spike.
"So where does that leave us?" He whispered.
"Here."
"Wherever that's at."
A kiss, fragile and delicate, passionless and pure.
"Wherever you want it to be. Do you want to go to Europe, see the Old Country? Whatever you want, I'll be there by your side."
Angelus slowly dropped to his knees and stared up with beseeching eyes.
"Whatever you want, my childe."
Spike could feel tears gathering. He was tired, so profoundly tired. He wanted to believe. He wanted to sink to his knees and take that beloved face in his hands, touch the soft brown hair, take away the hurt and never let sadness touch those beautiful eyes again.
"Please, just say yes."
"I've never been loved before. Well, me Mum, but that don't count, does it? And Angel, I think he did."
Angelus pulled him down until the blonde head was resting on his shoulder.
"He loved you. We're the same person, me and him. He was obsessed with Darla just as I was with Buffy, but you're our link, we both love you. Angel is gone forever but I'm still here, Will. I'm here for you, always."
"I want to believe."
"We'll make this work somehow."
"But we can't, can we? Demons, yeah? We don't change and love don't conquer all."
"You're not even going to try?"
"I can't. I can't be hurt by love anymore. Bloody hell, Angelus. You think I'm strong, but I'm not, I wouldn't survive it."
"What can I say? We'll just take you back down to your cosy cell and nice strong chains and then I'll go and wash that filthy four-lettered word out of my mouth."
He got to his feet and dragged Spike with him.
"Huh. You were playing me?" He knew, in his heart of hearts he knew it couldn't be real. It was something he could only ever have with Angel.
"But I refused you." The words were spoken sadly, almost as though he'd lost something precious rather than won a battle.
The words appeared to enrage Angelus.
"Yeah, you won, Spike, and may it give you joy. You're right, I was playing you. I don't love you, never did, never could. Your problem, William, is you're too bloody self righteous, but that's just my opinion. Angel found you irritating, attention-seeking, whingey, needy…must I go on?"
"No."
"Poor little Willy, even Mother Dearest turned on you."
Spike said nothing as his wrists were once more chained.
Angelus sighed.
"Think, Spike. If Angel returned, what then? Carnal passion is out of the question and now even your platonic existence won't answer. I lied, he loves you, and that very love means he can't stay. Perfect happiness isn't dependent on sex anymore. I'm the only sire you will ever have."
Spike didn't need this admonition to think. It had occupied his mind since Wesley shared his proof that Angelus had returned. It had all gone. All their plans, the home they had created from their own blood, they could never share such things again. He let forth a stream of curses in languages he'd forgotten he ever knew because anything was better than self-pitying tears.
oooo
"I promised Willow that I would go to Buffy." Giles explained. "Meanwhile Andrew has been assigned as the Council's L.A contact, with orders to help you in any way possible. He'll co-ordinate the slayers and we'll do what we can. You have to bear in mind that the Council is severely depleted. Spike, Angel, Willow and now I'm being called away. I fear that there may also be something wrong with Buffy."
"If Willow told you to go to her, then of course, you must."
"I realise you never really got to know Andrew very well and he may seem… odd. But he is reliable and he'll maintain contact with myself and Buffy. Can I suggest that you work closely with Andrew and also the slayers? We've taken up your suggestion and started to absorb them more fully into the Council hierarchy. They'll do whatever is necessary to bring in Angelus and rescue Spike."
"Have you heard anything from the two you sent to Seattle?"
Giles nodded.
"They've gained access to police reports Andrew will tell you more. I'm afraid that I have to be off, my flight leaves shortly."
Andrew flew in later that evening looking crumpled and tired but he insisted on updating them with the current situation.
"As you suspected, the police reports confirm that the homicides are not clustered or centred upon a particular area. Bodies have been found off Pioneer Square, Pike Place Market, Shilshole Bay Marina and the University of Washington campus. The only common factor is that large numbers of people can be found be at these places. The slayers will be patrolling Seattle tonight and will report in the morning.
"We may as well get some sleep then." Fred suggested, stifling a yawn.
"Whilst we can." Wesley agreed.
"We'll meet back at oh eight hundred hours. If you would care to synchronise gentlemen… and gentlelady, it will be precisely midnight in 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1."
He looked at them expectantly and they stared back in bemusement. Until Wesley finally looked at his watch say "Yes, midnight, quite."
The other two also gave their watches a cursory glance, Fred hardly liked to say that hers had no numbers and she could hardly tell what hour it was never mind what second but she nodded her agreement, she too made it midnight, more or less.
oooo
Angelus considered his depleting toolset.
He picked out doubt. To undermine any beliefs that Spike held true and attack the very reasons that he fought. With this new tool he planned to whittle his childe into a shape of his choosing. He focused inwards, discovering all those uncertainties that plagued the soul, ambiguities that had caused his counterpart to withdraw in confusion and brood in silence.
Angelus turned pitiful eyes to those that were hard with condemnation.
"Don't look at me like that. We all play our part. Even demons. Even me."
Spike made no reply.
"Like adversaries in some old cowboy film, I wear the black hat and you the white but you know we all serve the plot in our own way."
"Yeah, but this ain't some cowboy story."
"No, it's older than that. It's a story older than life. So I will play Angelus, the man in black, your nightmare when waking and do what I was made to do. I turn ordinary men into heroes; make them into all they can be, though I take them apart in that making."
Spike looked at him contemptuously, not understanding such an alien concept. He'd made it a habit of several lifetimes not to think too deeply. Misfortune and bad luck snapping at his heels and more often than not biting him on the ass, had given him a here and now Zen-like outlook on life. Shit happens. You deal. You move on. Philosophy according to William the Bloody.
"You make people? You torture, kill them, demonise them."
"It's undeniable." Angelus's eyes gleamed in the darkness. "I don't deny it. Yet I have saved more people than your precious white hats ever did. People can only find true strength in adversity. I am adversity."
"What is this crap! You have never saved a soul in your entire existence." Spike spat angrily and yet he felt suddenly doubtful because it was true, adversity brought forth potential.
Angel had a habit of thinking too profoundly and Angelus delved deep into the psyche to unearth the questions that haunted his souled counterpart.
"You know I speak the truth. You've fed from me and the bond is in place, so you understand that these words are not some elaborate lie to deceive, but great and universal truths are being spoken of. These people turn to me, sometimes in hatred and sometimes in fear and all is stripped away. I take them to a place where life is held cheap and conscience dear. They open their eyes and find me staring back and I am without mercy, I take their hopes, scattering them on the grave"
He paused to give gravity to his words.
"I take all sin unto myself just to make them brave."
Spike was struck by the sadness of the words and in their poetry he could almost see a grain of truth emerging.
"Don't misunderstand me, I'll laugh as I wound them and I'll mock as I chide them. I'm a teacher and the lessons of my classroom thrive and flourish when watered with tears of anger and rage, when glaring injustice lights the way. It makes the weak find their inner strength, gives the coward steel, teaches faith to the cynic and makes even the dead of heart feel."
"Yeah. I see it all." Spike replied with a cynical sneer. "You're a regular Mahatma Gandhi."
"I do what I must, Angel understood this. I can take an immoral man and show him an extreme, so he truly knows good and evil. I make him look into his soul and cry for mercy because he sees a mirror of himself and repents of his sins."
"Don't think that's why he was crying for mercy, Mate. They wanted to live."
"Yet everyone must leave this mortal coil. I am a predator and people die. If they were good people then they find happiness and salvation and if they were evil they reap the hurricane of their lives. Is this so bad?"
"And the people who live through your torture?"
"Are the people who become strong, who discover their inner hero, finding the courage to fight evil in all its incarnations. I sharpen and temper them, make them hard and uncompromising, their mettle forged by cruelty and pain. I am the fire that burns away weakness and fear. Without me these people would have lived their aimless lives. Their fate would have been to rut like animals in a field, bring forth their offspring and to fade away. Instead they become strong, they become heroes. Consider Holtz, consider Buffy…consider William"
"Be honest, you can't deny what you have become. Weak, needy William has become Spike. Would you have it any other way? I have made heroes from the poorest of cloth. I have saved souls as they wept and repented."
"You twist it all to suit yourself."
"That I do, William. Still, I speak the truth. I've always found it a far more effective tool than lies. And the truth is that you save lives but I am an artist and I save souls."
"You prey on weakness. You break people. That is your artistry." Spike spat out his denial, hoping the strength of it would swallow his own confusion.
oooo
It was a long flight to Italy and Giles dreaded what he might find there. Buffy was behaving strangely. Chatting to her on the phone she'd been bubbly but her mood switched so quickly and then she would become tearful and unhappy. He managed to sleep a little but the seats were uncomfortable and his head lolling forward jerked him awake. He was glad to hear the pilot announce; Aeroporti di Roma.
He gave the cab driver the address and then closed his eyes so that he wouldn't have to see his life continually passing before his eyes as the taxi negotiated the heavy Rome traffic and drivers who appeared to have their very own deathwish. It pulled up outside an apartment block close to the centre of the city.
"Grazie." He fumbled with the tip and made his way to Buffy's apartment. He found her name and pressed the buzzer.
"Buena sera. Mi dica?"
"Yes, you may. Let me in Buffy, it's Giles."
"Giles!"
Her voice squealed in delight and the buzzer indicated that the door had been released.
He took the lift to the second floor. His heart lightened considerably to hear her pleasure at his visit. He smiled. It would be wonderful to see her too. He knocked at her door.
"It's open, Giles."
He walked in.
"Buffy?"
"Be with you now."
He put down his heavy bag and looked up just as she appeared before him.
"Buffy you look…Oh dear God!"
"Nice to see you too."
"But you're…. Buffy…"
"Yes. Me Buffy. You Giles. Uh, so can we move on? Think we've got the intros covered."
"But…" He took a deep breath and finally made his point. "You're pregnant."
She gave him a fragile, uncertain smile.
"I had noticed, thanks."
"Who…?" He looked around the apartment as though expecting the nameless father to pop out of a corner.
"Come and sit down, Giles."
"I should be saying that to you, but, dear Lord!"
"Yeah. I get it, Giles. You're shocked. Now listen to me."
Giles nodded, still obviously stunned.
"I planned it when I found Spike was human, I had an insight into why it had happened, his being human I mean. There's only one thing that Spike can do as a human which he can't do as a vampire. This." She patted her distended stomach.
"Spike is…"
"Yes." She waited quietly for his reaction.
"Dear Lord!"
"Think you've got that bit covered but gee, thanks for the reminder."
"I'm sorry, Buffy. Of course, I'm pleased for you and… Spike. But Buffy, him of all people." This stirred a memory of Buffy flashing a skull ring and announcing that she was going to marry Spike. "Has Willow been playing with spells again?"
"No. Well not in the way you think. I know you never liked him but I thought you were over that." Her lower lip trembled slightly.
"It's not that, but Angel, or more to the point, Angelus. If he should find out…"
"I know and I think he already has. Giles, I'm being watched at nights."
"We have to get you away, Buffy."
"I'm almost due. I'm not supposed to fly this late in pregnancy."
"We need to get you to L.A. we have more resources there. We can protect you. It's ok, I'll arrange it all."
"L.A. where Spike disappeared from?"
"This will be different. Slayer guards 24/7. You understand? Nothing is going to happen to you."
He put an arm around her and in the face of such of such comfort and sympathy she relaxed enough to allow her eyes to fill and overspill.
"I've been so afraid. Not for me. But for my baby and for Spike."
"You silly girl. You shouldn't have suffered alone. You could have told me."
He stroked her hair soothingly.
oooo
They met up as prearranged. Andrew gave a tight smile, things were beginning to wind to crisis point.
"I do have some good news, the slayers have found a female vampire they believe it to be one of Angelus' minions. They caught it as it was about to feed and managed to take it down. We have a capture.""
"Are you sure it's one of his?" Wesley asked.
"Will it talk?" Gunn asked at the same time.
Andrew nodded, acknowledging both of them.
"They've questioned her but she's clearly terrified of the master and refused to give any information. She did say that she has seen what he does to disobedient vampires."
"Oh my God, Spike!" Fred gasped, with tears standing in her eyes.
"So I surmised." Andrew replied. "I would suggest that we need a plan."
"Supposing the slayers become careless when securing the vampire and let it think it has escaped by itself. Then they follow it to the lair?" Gunn suggested.
"No, it won't answer. Not unless we're ready to go with a full out strike against Angelus. As soon as the vampire reported that there were two slayers in town he'd guess we had discovered his city and we'd lose him again." Wesley replied.
"In that case, how soon can we be ready to strike?"
"The slayers have been prepared since we first realised our adversary was the mighty Angelus." Andrew answered. "They are fully trained and ready to mobilise at a moments notice."
"Are they aware of the situation?" Wesley asked.
"Not yet. Mr Giles recommended I speak to you first. They're frustrated at our lack of progress and we can't have them going off on their own."
"Fred, we'll need your tranquillizer gun."
"I'll have it primed and ready."
"I propose that we move in tomorrow night. Release the vampire an hour before dawn and follow it back to the nest. By the time she's warned the others the sun will have risen and with any luck they'll be trapped. We rescue Spike and capture Angelus."
"Do you think he's still alive?" Fred asked.
Andrew swallowed loudly.
"Of course he's alive, silly slender girl. He is Gandalf the White returned to us, more beautiful than ever. Did Sauron destroy Gandalf? No, he did not. Neither shall the vampyre Angelus destroy Spike."
"Uh…"
"Quite. Good point."
They were aware that Andrew had always hero worshipped the blonde vampire but after Spike had given his life to prevent Andrew's body being consumed by an Old One, the hero worship had been replaced by something deeper and more genuine and so they tolerated his occasionally whimsical offerings.
"We'll find him. We'll find them both and we'll capture Angelus and get Angel back as soon as Willow has dealt with our most pressing problem."
"You mean the end of the world? Has the witch been in touch?" Gunn asked.
"She hasn't made contact yet." Andrew replied a stab of anxiety passed over his face. "Nothing on our view screen but white noise and black emptiness. I fear she might be trapped in the final frontier that divides our world from the approaching void."
"It's a different dimension." Fred said comfortingly.
"Exactly." Gunn said. "No telephones or post boxes there."
oooo
"I'm given no credit for my role." Angelus mourned. "I play my part, the same as you or Angel. The cowboy in black, the dark stranger, I'm here to make them strong but not all can be saved."
"No! You search for weakness and then you take them apart!"
"I'll attack where I find weakness and those that survive emerge stronger than ever. True, weak instruments may break and friable rock will crumble. I cannot save them all. I am the hammer that shatters glass and forges steel. Answer me, William. Do I not speak truly, when I tell of the strength people find through me?"
"I can't answer…you're confusing me. I don't know, damn it! You're evil and yet some people become stronger... but it's wrong! Why shouldn't people be allowed to live their aimless lives, rut like animals, have children? That's what life is about!"
Angelus shook his head sorrowfully.
"The world needs heroes too, heroes who give up everything so that others can live their pointless lives. We both know that people are not born heroes they are forged, and not by kind words and loving glances. Can you deny that?"
Spike said nothing because there was no gainsaying it. It was a pure and simple truth.
"So I am the hero maker and by making one champion, I save thousands. I give my all to the cause and yet I am damned by my actions. You and other heroes will be praised and lauded and redeemed, whilst I stand in darkness, eyes hidden by night, to be spat on and reviled by the righteous who bathe in God's light."
"Well damn redemption and damn reward, still I do my task because, unlike you, I do as I'm supposed to do and play my part in the greater plan. You may call me Satan and I'll take his task as mine, take the curses and take the hate. My role is foreordained. As yours should have been…"
Spike felt dizzy, the truth of the words nauseated him, confused him. If Angelus spoke the truth, then was Spike playing on the wrong side? Was he cocking up higher plans for the greater good? Everything felt upside down. He remembered Buffy beating him down and leaving him to die in the alleyway. Would he have gone for his soul if Buffy had treated him any differently? Would he even have survived Buffy if Angelus hadn't taught him how to bear the pain?
"Don't…"
"Don't." Angelus mimicked cruelly. "You've wandered far from your path, Childe. You think a turncoat vampire, trying to do good makes any sort of difference? Do you think you know better than the Powers?"
"No…"
"Then its time you played your part and do what you were made to do."
"No."
"No?" Angelus laughed incredulously.
"Yeah, your words have the logic of truth, yet you tell me doing evil is justified and I can't accept that. Yet at the same time, I know that everything you've said is true."
"Contradicting yourself a bit there, Spikey."
"I've spent days being tortured, Pillock, and you expect logic?" Spike replied with a flash of his old acerbity.
"So join with me again, step back into the tale of Angelus and Spike, take back the part and make it your own. We can be what we once were. Good is such a grey area, all can be turned to good in the end just as all the works of every white hat may be turned to evil but that is for higher beings than us to decide. Consider Cordelia, so convinced she was doing good, becoming part-demon and then a higher power. It just proves that no matter what you choose, all things are twisted so that the result remains the same. It is predestined, decided by powers and the immutable laws of the universe."
"Don't tell me about grey areas. I know about grey areas, I am living testimony to sodding grey areas. Everything you say makes a sense, in a twisted, hall of mirrors sort of way. Yeah, I could join you again and maybe that would be of more help to the world. The thing is, Sire, I know you and I don't trust you. You've brought me here, to a place where I can't see right from wrong."
"Good, evil, right and wrong they all seem so pointless. When all directions lead to the same place then what does it matter which one we take? Does it matter?"
"I don't know."
"Then join me."
"I'm lost. Is goodness meaningless?"
Angelus could smell victory; it was so close he was almost salivating in anticipation of the taste.
"Personal morality is part of the detail but in the greater picture it's a hindrance, you know this, William. In your heart of hearts you know this. To defeat the Order of the Black Thorn, Angle killed the innocent Drogyn. Ripped open his throat because it was for the greater good. This is what used to send Angel brooding down into darkness, always doubting himself and his mission. He knew he could do more good without morality than he could living by a personal code."
Spike turned pained eyes to the dark figure.
"You have corrupted something in me, with your truth and sophistry. I can't trust myself." He muttered, his voice soft and confused.
"I have merely opened your eyes. Trust me and I will lead you through this land."
"I need someone to guide me."
"I've told you before, Boy; you have no one but me."
"I know nothing anymore. I can't trust what I am now, you've led me into this maze and I'm lost." Spike had tears in his eyes. "But I choose not to join with you."
The dark vampire gazed with incredulous eyes.
"Why?"
"Because it's the right thing to do."
"You said you don't believe in right and wrong? I mean, where's the difference, right?"
"Yeah. Irrelevant."
"Then I ask again, why?"
"What can I say?"
"Tell me why! You want to be with me, so why? All belief has gone. Where have you found the strength to deny me?"
"Because I used to be good, moral and passionately convinced of what was right and wrong."
"But you know better now."
"I do believe in something though. I believe in the person I used to be. He knew the difference between good and evil and I trust his judgement now mine has gone."
"You're making a bad mistake, Spike."
"And if I'm wrong perhaps some good will come out of it, isn't that the way it goes, Sire?
Angelus growled in frustration.
"My old self would have died rather than accepted what you offer. I will stay on this path. I will not join you."
The backhanded blow broke Spike's cheekbone and knocked him unconscious.
He gazed at his childe and, as he did so, he found doubt stirring in his heart. This wasn't what he'd sought. Sure, he wanted Spike by his side, but he wanted the exuberance, he wanted to have Spike next to him, overflowing with strength and joy. He already had one broken childe and the thought of Spike ending up broken or insane twisted something inside of him.
Yet what else was there? To let the boy go and live isolated and lonely until he was hunted down and the obligatory soul forced upon him once more? This thing with Spike may not be the future he wanted, but it was all he had left. Reluctantly, he grasped the tangled threads of his plan and began to smooth them into place.
He picked up a phone and made an international call. He explained himself slowly and carefully. Minions could be such idiots.
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