Feasibility Study
Written by: Ms Maggs / Edited by: KJT
"Bugged – Part 3"
July 27, 2005 (Day 96)
Las Vegas Crime Lab
Nick Stokes's Office
4:41 p.m. PST
Sitting at his desk with the burgundy velvet ring box in his hand, Nick punched in Carrie's cell number.
"Felt like torturing me about the mystery trip again, huh?" Carrie groaned. "What's this afternoon's hint? People drink water where we are going?"
"No." He gripped the box in his hand. "I called to say I consulted with Sara earlier today and she agrees I should keep you in suspense."
"I find that hard to believe!" She laughed. "But, if she agrees, then I'll shut up and go with the flow because it must be good."
"I'm hoping so." He cracked open the box to reveal the perfect one carat princess cut diamond mounted on a shiny gold band.
"Should I bring a swimsuit?"
"Sure."
"Should I bring lingerie?"
"Honey, the answer to that question will always be, yes."
"Should I bring scuba gear?"
"No!" He laughed. "Hey, I thought you said you were going with the flow."
"Yes, a flow of questions!"
"Oh, I have a question for you." Taking the ring out of the box, he imagined presenting it to her and asked a question that would give him a successful practice run. "Do you want me to pick up some Chinese on the way home from work?"
"Yes!"
Nick grinned from ear to ear while thinking, say it just like that when we're in Paris, Honey.
Manitou Springs
5:50 p.m. MST
When Sara first told Grissom she didn't want to go back to their room to have the discussion she needed to have with him, he feared the worst. Not because she wanted a different locale, but because of her reasoning…the room held such special memories she didn't want the conversation to taint the memories in any way. Although he nodded and agreed to get in the car with her, he couldn't help but feel he was being driven to an execution…an end to his life as he knew it. His only comfort…there wasn't a shovel in the trunk.
While Sara drove to the scenic Garden of the Gods Mountain Park, she and Grissom chatted casually about the conference and of bugs while both agonized over the conflicting questions in their heads. They had so much practice at this bastardized form of schizophrenia it came naturally and neither seemed outwardly disturbed while they were suffering on the inside. Passersby would have thought they were happy vacationers heading to a popular tourist spot.
While driving the winding road through the park, Grissom embraced the safety of science and began spouting technical information regarding rock formation and geology while Sara, always the good student, absorbed the information with a smile on her face.
When she finally parked the car at a remote trailhead at the bottom of several looming rock formations, Grissom let the first of his concerns surface. "Please tell me we're not here to jump off anything, or more likely, for you to push me off anything."
Smiling warmly, she assured him. "No. We're here so we can talk…really talk. Come on." She opened her car door and stepped outside to wait for him, fully prepared to extract him if he played hard to get.
After a moment, he left the car and stood beside the door filling his lungs with the fresh mountain air. "This is a remarkable place." It was a shame that such a beautiful location was going to be the setting for what he assumed would be an ugly conversation.
"I saw the brochure in the lobby of the hotel earlier and thought it was the perfect place to talk about some issues because…" She waited for him to walk around and stand in front of her. "…because any problem will seem insignificant when discussed at the base of a towering spire of rock, with Pikes Peak in the distance, right?"
"Very insightful." He took her hand and immediately pulled her in for a hug. "I need this first though." In silence he held her, preferring to draw the moment out as long as possible until finally curiosity got the best of him. "Where did you go earlier when you left the banquet room?"
"I went for a walk around the block to clear my head."
He held her tighter. "Did it work?"
"Yes." She replied confidently. "But only because I was on the phone with Dr. Myers. When I was in the banquet room I remembered I had a session scheduled today."
"So that's why you left so abruptly." Pulling back slightly, he checked her expression. "Is everything going to be alright, Sara?"
"Yes. Of course." Cupping his face, she gave him a kiss for confidence. "Let's find a nice place to sit for our talk." Taking his hand she guided him a little ways down the path and then turned when she saw a gathering of boulders creating a secluded spot around a grassy patch. "Over here."
She took a seat and then gently tugged him to sit beside her.
"I have to admit you're unnerving me, Sara." He took a seat and lowered his head. "I feel like everything is about to end, which doesn't make much sense after last night when we decided to begin something that could already be happening."
Squeezing his hand, she said, "Hopefully some things are about to end, but only the stuff that needs to so we can move in a new direction together. This conversation is going to be a journey and you need to stick with me and not panic." When he nodded, she continued. "It's not just going to be about me, it's going to be about you too. Promise to stick with me?" Her tone was optimistic.
He mustered the courage. "I promise to try my best."
"Good enough."
"Okay." Suddenly a little nervous, she paused for a deep breath. "Okay, I've told you that my sessions with Dr. Myers have been great and that's true. My childhood issues have all been confronted and dealt with and of course, there are still some painful memories from time to time, but now I know how to handle them. Like today for instance, when I met Misty Carson. She reminded me of why I didn't have friends like her in college. Girls like her loved to share and when you have so much you're hiding from your past you can't be friends with her, because you spend the whole friendship hiding your secrets. But now…I remember I do have friends who know my secrets and the world hasn't fallen apart. That's what I'm talking about…I've learned to put things in perspective."
"You've told me lately that your sessions have all been progress review and that things were great."
Once she was sure his eyes were on hers, she replied, "I wasn't lying, I just wasn't telling you everything because I wasn't ready."
"Okay." Her answer only augmented his tension.
Feeling they were both ready for more, she continued. "When Dr. Myers and I finished dealing with my childhood, we started exploring other issues. What I'm about to discuss is months worth of work so don't think I came up with all this during an hour. Today is just the day I could finally deal with it and share it."
"Why today?" His curious mind always needed to know why.
"Because today, the combination of me being the girl crushing on you in the back of the room while you lectured and you see-sawing over the Sara Grissom nametag brought it to a head."
"I'm listening."
"Good." As he had done many times in the past when she was tense, she brought his hand to her lips for a quick kiss. "A few months ago, Dr. Myers and I started delving into my time at Harvard. Harvard was a very confusing time for me. I was on my own, no one knew my past, and suddenly I wasn't 'the smart girl' no one could talk to, because everyone there was smart. Living in Boston opened up a whole new world for me, but I didn't know how to handle it. I tried a lot of different ways to fit in. I tried to make friends, I dated for the first time and when I did, I didn't always feel comfortable. I was looking for something and sometimes I found glimpses of what I needed, but it was never enough and never from the right person."
They never discussed her time in Boston, so it was all new information to Grissom. "Is that why you left and returned to California?"
"I was ready for a change, but I needed familiarity too. When I got to San Francisco, I started over again. Eventually I dated Brian Anderson, who of course you know now."
He shrugged. Not necessarily wanting anymore information on Brian than he already acquired.
"Aside from the obvious betrayal I told you about, the other problem with Brian and with almost all of the guys I dated in Boston, was they didn't make me feel special. They made me feel vulnerable, not protected." Her gaze turned to the ground below her as her voice softened. "When you live most of your life in shelters, protection is something you are used to craving. You want someone to take care of you, to remind you that even if the world thinks you're forgettable, you are really special…and in my case that you are smart and pretty and good to have around."
"Did I…" He wasn't sure where she was going with her story.
"Yes." Looking up, she met his gaze. "Even though we weren't in an intimate relationship, you made me feel all those things."
"I really felt those things." He searched her eyes for strength. "I still do, Sara. I don't know where…"
Placing her fingertips over his lips for a moment, she smiled. "Patience. I am the teacher right now. Listen and acquaint yourself before making any judgments, okay?"
Her words brought a smile to his face. "I suppose you've listened to me say that enough."
"That's right." She snuggled closer. "While you were giving me those things you were also protecting me at work. You were taking care of me, teaching me, making sure I grew intellectually. You filled my needs and I loved you for it, but then one day I realized, I didn't just love you for it, I loved you. The problem was, you didn't love me back."
"I did. I just couldn't tell you."
"And when you didn't, I chased you…or cornered you."
They shared a chuckle.
"As we know now, I forced the issue at the wrong times and I missed opportunities. Then one day in Tahoe, sitting alone in a hospital bed I gave up on you. I gave up because you did what all the others did…abandoned me."
His voice faded. "I still cringe every time I think about it."
"You mean every time Jim reminds you." Deciding she didn't want to sit by his side, she turned to face him, taking both of his hands in hers. "I swore after Tahoe I wouldn't give you another chance, not even if you came begging for one at my apartment." Laughing lightly she said, "Good thing I don't keep promises I make to myself! Hell if I did that I would have left the lab years ago."
Her smile fed him and he relaxed slightly. "I certainly benefited from your inability to follow through."
"Anyway…you showed up at my apartment, you said the right things, and because I still loved you with all my heart, I gave you that chance, which was the best decision I ever made."
Apprehensively, he remarked, "This is all starting to sound very good, which either means I misinterpreted why we are here, or you haven't dropped the bomb yet."
"There are no bombs." She inched closer, placing one of her hands on the ground on the other side of his waist, just in case he decided to run…just like she used to stand in the doorway of his office so he couldn't escape before hearing her words. "When we started our relationship, we were a dysfunctional couple because of the years of playing games and because we never were in real relationships with other people. We didn't know what we were doing." A grin suddenly blanketed her face. "Well, physically, as you know, we figured things out just fine but, when it came to talking we kind of did what we always did best…avoid issues."
"I agree with that assessment."
"We basically took our old relationship and added the romance. Which worked for us and actually it was exactly what I needed because when I broke down over my past, you were there for me doing what you do best…taking care of me. You found Dr. Myers, you bought me the house, you gave me anything I needed to the point where I knew I didn't even have to ask and the answer was yes."
Tenderly he said, "You deserved all that because you needed…"
Again she covered his lips. "No judgments remember. But your comment is the perfect transition to my point. We're not those people anymore. I'm not a needy girl looking for someone to take care of me anymore…at least not in the same way. I don't want to be that girl in the back row crushing on you as you lecture. I need to be your partner. When we're partners, it's fantastic. Think of San Francisco. We were Mr. and Mrs. Fabulous. I helped you with your bow tie, you surprised me with a beautiful gift. You taught me about the opera, I imparted a little knowledge on you in the back of the limo. When we were out with Brian and Miranda, I felt like your wife and you were my husband. That whole night, we had symmetry. Last night too. We were both equally nervous and excited as we started a new chapter in our lives as husband and wife. The experience was wonderful."
He tensed. "I sense a 'but' coming."
"But…the problem is, we keep snapping back into our old roles and it's confusing."
Brushing her hair off her shoulder, he whispered, "And now you're going to un-confuse me."
"Yes." Her explanation was delayed when she opted to pause for a kiss. "Ready now?"
He nodded.
"The Mrs. Grissom issue symbolizes the struggle. Am I your wife…your equal partner, or am I that girl crushing on you, waiting for you to let me know I'm smart and pretty, letting you take care of me? The answer is…it depends on the day. And that's a problem. It's only becoming a problem now because I don't need you to take care of me like that anymore and I want a new direction. I want us to take care of each other as husband and wife."
As Grissom listened to her words, his own concerns were unearthed. "Why do I feel…where does that leave me?"
"I was just getting to your issues. Dr. Myers and I talk about you too."
"Why do you think I pay her to talk to you?" A tense smile found its way through to his lips. "It's therapy by proxy. Un-confuse me some more."
"As long as I'm the girl you're trying to keep, you're always going to feel vulnerable. Remember, I heard you in that interrogation room. I know your big fear. You worry that one day someone else is going to come along and I'll think you're not needed anymore because the new guy will take better care of me. Before we were in a relationship, you focused on keeping me in the lab. Now that we're together you focus on keeping me in your personal life."
He couldn't argue with the perception so he nodded.
"You work very hard to make me need you and you hope that no one else will ever be able to do it better than you."
Averting his eyes, he sighed. "That's true…very true." Then he returned his gaze to her hoping for more answers.
"Yes, but you're cheating yourself and feeding your vulnerability. Stop trying so hard to keep me." Locking on the uncertainty in his eyes, she confidently said, "You know I'm here to stay. Be my partner and believe in the love between us to keep us together."
"This is what you meant when you said you hoped some things would end after this conversation. You meant our old patterns?"
"Yes. Although it's not going to happen overnight, because we're so comfortable with them."
"This is a lot to process."
"And I'm not done yet." She saw his disappointment that he wasn't off the hook. "There is another angle to the Mrs. Grissom issue."
"Another angle?" He exhaled sharply and prepared for another round of reluctant enlightenment.
"This one weaves back to childhood on both our parts."
"I don't like going there." When he remembered his physical location sitting against a boulder, he said, "So I guess you really do have me caught between a rock and a hard place."
Pleased he found a modicum of humor in what she knew was a tense situation, she smiled. "Maybe there was a subconscious reason for cornering you in this locale."
"Remember…there are no accidents."
She kissed his cheek. "I'll talk about me first." She gave him a moment before beginning. "In discussing the nametag issue with Dr. Myers today, I came to a conclusion. The secretive nature of our union puts me in the same vulnerable position I was in when I was in foster care. I can't be open about my personal life to others. When I was a kid, I used to make up stuff if push came to shove. Sometimes I'd create a brother or a dog, or I'd tell a story of my mom taking me shopping just so I could feel like everyone else. The same thing happened when we went out with Brian and Miranda in San Francisco. I wanted to fit in, so I made up a story about our marriage. I liked feeling normal. I wish I didn't have to do the same thing I've been doing my whole life…hiding the truth."
"I honestly never thought of that." But now that she said it, it made perfect sense.
"Well, contrary to what you might believe, you're not expected to know everything, Honey." She chuckled. "That's why you pay Dr. Myers, remember?"
"Right." He considered her statements again then, hoping she had a handy answer, he asked, "Why did the nametag bug me all day?"
"Do you want to think about it, or do you want me to un-confuse you?"
"If we wait for me to figure it out…."
"Point taken." Capturing his eyes, she opened his to the truth. "You're scared that if I am your wife, Mrs. Grissom, that makes you my husband, Mr. Grissom, and you're afraid that will make you your father."
"The sins of the father…"
"But each generation grows wiser, right? I know you believe that because you've told it to me. It's like forensic science, remember? First there was blood on a shovel attracting flies, then fingerprints…"
"Now DNA." Her point kept getting clearer.
"As time passes, we learn from others, and then we move on trying to do it better than those who have gone before us." She knew it was all coming together for him.
"I talked with you about this after the Shelton case."
"And you talked about the Shelton case today."
"And now you're talking to me about this. He raised a brow as the entire conversation came into focus. "Symmetry."
"It's what we need."
"But how can we…" Again the solution escaped him and he became overwhelmed.
Sensing he was maxed out, she stood up. "We'll figure it out." Extending her hand to Grissom, she remarked, "But right now I know we're both overwhelmed and, I'm not sure about you but I'm starving because I was so sickened from eating all those chocolate covered ants, that I passed on the grasshopper au gratin at lunch." She laughed. "All that time I was joking about the food served at the conference containing bugs, it never dawned on me that some of the food really was bugs!"
Looking up at her standing over him, he had that same feeling he did this morning. She looked different and he loved what he saw.
"Come on, take my hand." She wiggled it in front of him. "Now that we're on a roll, we can talk more over dinner."
Still mystified by the conversation and her, he did as asked and rose up to stand in front of her.
"By the way, dinner is on me because you earned it." She teased before throwing her arms around his neck. "That talk wasn't so bad, was it?"
Eager for the affection he returned the embrace. "It's what we needed to say…well, as usual, you said most of it. I listened. I guess it doesn't matter as long as by the end we're on the same page."
She laughed. "Some things won't change. I'm sure that will always be the pattern of our conversations and it's okay. Well there was the time you came to my apartment to ask me to stay…you did most of the talking that time as I stood there with my jaw touching the floor."
"Who knows, I may surprise you one day and once again articulate something profound." Relaxing for the first time since lunch, he asked, "So, where are you taking me for dinner?"
"On my salary?" She chuckled. "We're dining down tonight, partner." She tossed him the keys. "I drove here so you can drive back."
Lacing his fingers with hers, he smiled. "More symmetry?"
"Yeah."
Carrie's Apartment
6:36 p.m. PST
In the kitchen, Nick stood at the counter removing Chinese food containers from a red plastic shopping bag, while Carrie sat at the kitchen table her head buried in a case file. "Honey, do you want an eggroll to start?" He asked.
"Yes."
There was that wonderful answer. Let's try that again. "Can I grab you a beer?"
"Yes."
The curve of his smile heightened to dangerous proportions. Third time's a charm. "Do you love me?"
"Yes!"
Yeah…say it just like that in Paris, Honey.
Looking up from her file, Carrie saw Nick grinning like a fool. "Well, you're in an excellent mood today. Did Jim Brass say you could pawn off Sofia to the Night shift?"
Her assumption told him two things…one, she didn't have a clue he was going to pop the question in a few days and two, he'd been bitching and moaning to Carrie about Sofia Curtis a little too much. "Do you really want to know why I'm in such a great mood?"
"Yes." She tossed her pen down. "I do."
"I got a bonus!" He exclaimed, in reaction to hearing 'I do' from her mouth for the first time.
She was surprised since he was so new to his supervisor position. "You got a bonus at work?"
"Did I say that?"
"Yes."
Holding up the carton of egg rolls he said, "I got a bonus egg roll. There should be two but there are three."
"Must be your lucky day, Baby."
While he grabbed two plates from the cabinet he grinned uncontrollably. No, my lucky day is actually scheduled for Saturday.
Colorado Springs
Morgan's Tavern
8:42 p.m. MST
"So Nick is taking Carrie to Paris to propose." Grissom remarked while sitting next to Sara in a remote booth in the lively bar and grill. "I've known Nick for a long time and seen him go through a lot of women. I'm really happy for him…for them."
A few minutes earlier, Sara confessed that although Nick originally said she couldn't share the news, she was later given permission but chose not to share the information, because of the 'Mrs. Grissom' discomfort in the air. "I honestly don't know how Nick will make it until Saturday without exploding."
"When do you think they'll get married?"
"He's hoping it won't be too long because he said, I quote, 'why wait when you know with 100 certainty what you want for the rest of your life?'"
Grissom nodded.
The waitress returned, as requested, with another round of drinks and the check. "Thanks, have a good night."
"You too." Sara grabbed the check. "My treat, remember?" She picked up her glass of Sprite. "To symmetry," she toasted.
They clinked their glasses.
"To symmetry." Grissom replied before taking a gulp of Scotch. Then he remarked, "Toasts by nature are very symmetrical."
"Speaking of symmetry." Sara's lips took a devilish turn. "I just remembered something is out of balance. You put on a show for me in San Francisco with Miranda and Brian, and in return, I danced for you. This morning you asked me to put on a show for the boys at the conference and in return I said I expected you to dance for me."
"You were speaking metaphorically, right?" He took another sip and set the glass on the table. "I danced around a few issues today, doesn't that count?"
"I'll consider it, but I may still require something different when we get back to our hotel." From her purse she grabbed her wallet, removing her credit card. "When the waitress comes, can you give this to her? I need to hit the Ladies Room."
"Sure." He smiled when he saw it was her old credit card and not the one he gave her. She always keeps her promises.
Almost ten minutes later, Sara reappeared with a bounce in her step. After signing her credit card receipt, she tossed the pen and announced, "It's time! Let's go."
Sliding out of the booth, Grissom handed her the credit card. "What's the rush?"
"It's time for you to dance." Taking him by the arm she led him into the next room. "Literally dance…with me."
"What?" He balked like a frightened racehorse being led to the starting gate. "Are you out of your mind?" Staring at the smoky room filled with couples grooving on the dance floor, he surged to full panic. "I don't dance, Sara!"
"I do." She informed him in a confident tone. "Well, not to this fast stuff but to a slow one, which I feel pretty certain is coming up next." Thanks to a ten dollar bill and a little conversation with the DJ on the way back from the Ladies Room, she was able to peruse the selection list and make a request. In his ear she whispered, "You'll be my student tonight."
"Anything but this!" He groveled. "Actually, I've rethought my original answer from this morning. I'd rather strip for you in the back of a car than dance clothed in public."
Grabbing his hand, she gently goaded, "The DJ is going to play our song."
"We don't have a song." With terror-filled eyes he stared at her. "Do we have a song?"
"We will after we dance to this one tonight." Seeing his frightful expression she wasn't sure she could go through with it but, as the current song ended, she encouraged him one last time. "I'll take care of you out there. I'll make it painless."
"Then you must be planning to render me unconscious." He deadpanned.
"Close." Slipping her arm around his waist, she guided him to the dance floor. "I'm going to distract you, like you distract me with Wallner lines when I'm nervous."
"Sara, really I…" It was too late, they were already on the floor. "Wallner lines don't do it for me like they work on you."
"That's why I'm doing something different." After sliding her hands over his chest, she locked her arms around his neck…lightly enough not to choke him, strong enough so he couldn't escape. "Just listen to the words, they fit our past…they fit our present." When she realized his hands were still at his side, she prompted, "Arms around my waist, Honey."
"Oh." As he followed her instructions, the music started and his pulse soared. "I really can't believe I'm…"
"Shhh…just follow my lead. Symmetry remember? Sway in sync with me." Pressing her relaxed body to his tense one, she brought her lips to the lobe of his ear and sang the first verse of the Amy Grant song, Come Be with Me. "Baby this life can break your heart…everyone hurts to some degree…but while this world is falling apart…why don't you come be with me?...Don't you know the night can be so cold…when you're without the one you need…how much longer do I have to go?...Waiting for you to come be with me?" She felt his grip on her waist relax ever so slightly. "Thanks for being with me…on this dance floor…in my life."
"I always loved catching you singing in the lab." He closed his eyes, hoping he'd forget he was in a room full of people. "You have a beautiful singing voice."
"Thank you." She upped the tempo of their dance a notch and once again she sang another portion of the song into his ear. "Love can be so simple when you let it flow…dream it in your head, feel it in your …send it from your soul."
Instinctively, he ran his hands over her back.
"I love you," she whispered instead of the lyrics.
Clutching her, he found the rhythm. "I just realized I love dancing with you."
"That's funny because I just realized I love dancing with you."
"That's symmetry…or the fact that we've never danced together before now." He sighed. "Sing a little more."
"Look up at the stars burning bright…Listen to the winds whisper sweet…Heaven and Earth know the moment's right…why don't you come be with me?"
Opening his eyes, he reached up and ran his fingers through Sara's hair. "Honey, I think I figured out what to do about our problem."
Shocked, she almost forgot to keep dancing. "What should we do?" Suddenly, she suspected this was just a ploy to escape. "Wait a minute. You're trying to end the dance early."
"Fine." He grinned. "Don't believe me."
"Hmm…" She saw his formerly terrified eyes were sparkling. "You're doing very well. Think you can take the lead and bring this song home?"
He answered by winding his arms around her tighter and swaying her to the slow grind of the music. "Don't tell the guys, but I like this dance as much as the one you did in the back of the limo."
"I promise." She chuckled. "Of course I didn't mean to tell them about the dance in the limo either."
Gazing into Sara's eyes, Grissom said, "Honey…let's…"
When he didn't finish his thought, she prompted him. "Let's what?"
"Let's go back to the hotel after this dance."
"You want me all to yourself?" She teased.
"Yes." He brushed a kiss over her lips. "I do."
Next Episode: Shocking!
Teaser: Jim Brass is never surprised.
Thanks,
Maggs