PART 1: BANISHMENT

Chapter 1

Military Research Base, Irk

The large circular room was dimly lit by two long beams curving across the domed white ceiling. All the walls were the same blinding white. In the middle of the room sat the Tallest, Red and Purple, behind a white table. At one end of the room there was a pair of double doors.

The doors slid open. In walked an Irken female surrounded by guards. The female was dressed in blue civilian clothing and seemed fairly relaxed. However, her deep blue eyes seemed to tell the tales of a thousand hardships. As the guards dispersed to surround the room, she walked towards the Tallest.

As she reached the table, a view screen slid out of it. Red picked up the screen and looked at it. Purple remained absorbed in his nachos.

Red looked up at the female. "So... Zeffie? It says here that you were head of the Smeet Enhancement Program here for six years?"

"Yes."

"But you quit ten years ago. It says that you then began funding your own private research?"

Purple began choking on a nacho.

"That is correct."

"What were you researching?"

"More ways to improve Irken bio-engineering."

Purple finished choking, and started loudly slurping a soda.

"But that was your job here. And you were paid to work here. Why did you stop?"

"I wasn't given enough freedom to research my project"

"And your project is?"

Purple burped. Zeffie grinned. The door at the end of the room opened, and in walked...

"The SMNM," announced Zeffie proudly, "It stands for Scientific Machine of Neuro-technological Militariness. And as you can see, it will revolutionize Invading."

The thing looked something like an elongated SIR unit. The whole thing was shaped rather like a human, but it's head was still like a SIR's, with two parts, the eyes set into the connector in the middle. The torso was mostly one part, with a red middle, although at the waist it became a second part. The arms and legs were made out of a flexible metal material, on a thicker version of a SIR's arms.

The strangest part was on the back though. Mounted on two grooves, was a Irken Pak.

"Uh... what is it?" ventured Red, Purple being absorbed in a packet of potato chips.

"I told you, it's a Scientific-"

"Yes, but what does it do?"

Purple noisily crunched a potato chip.

"Lot's of things. Would you like a demonstration?"

Red seemed confused, so he turned to Purple, who shrugged. Red looked at Zeffie and slowly nodded.

"Excellent." Zeffie clapped her hands and two Irkens came in holding a strange chair. It had several dangerous looking metal tubes coming out of it. The assistants placed the chair next to Zeffie and she sat down in it.

"The chair is a remote control unit," explained Zeffie, "Although the final version of the SMNM will have to have a real Pak installed, as the commands won't be able to reach it, this prototype has a Pak with a blank personality. By plugging my own Pak into this chair, I take control!"

With that, she pressed a button on the chair's arm and the tubes shot into her Pak. For a moment she flinched and twitched, but then she fell still.

Suddenly, the SMNM came to life. It began to walk across the room. It leapt high into the air and gripped the ceiling with the spider-legs that had burst out of it's Pak. It scuttled to the ground, where the spider-legs became a jet pack, and flew across the room towards the Tallest.

Then it spoke.

"You see, the SMNM can perform everything an Invader could, and more," said Zeffie's voice. "It is ten times stronger than an average Invader, and is also filled with useful gadgets. In fact, if you sent an SMNM to conquer a planet, it wouldn't even need a SIR unit. The SMNM features all the radar, strength, weapons, and communications systems that a SIR would. Let me demonstrate."

The SMNM's chest flew open and missiles and lasers unfolded. They pointed every which way. Several rockets fired off and began zooming towards the Tallest. Just before they found their targets, however, lasers pierced through them and they exploded, reigning debris around the table.

Red's mouth hung open, and Purple was eating faster than ever to calm his nerves.

An irritating beeping noise began to fill the room.

"It's mine!" yelled Red, and dived below the table. He came up holding a handheld communications device. He flipped it open. "Hello?"

"How do you like the built in communications?" said Zeffie's voice. It sounded muffled, coming from the handheld, compared to the exact replication of her real voice that the SMNM had produced.

Red's eyes widened in shock.

Suddenly, Zeffie's eyes snapped back open.

"How did you like it?"

"Um... your... your robot... is... very nice..." stammered Red.

"So?" pushed Zeffie, "Will you use it? Will it become an Invader-replacement?"

"Uh... give us time to think, Zeffie..."

Red turned to Purple, who was just finishing of his third soda.

"This... thing she's created... it doesn't seem right... and she seems so arrogant... she seems to think that we have to love her project... but don't worry.

"Who's worrying?"

"...I have a plan that means we'll never have to hear from her or her work again!"

He turned back to Zeffie.

"We have considered your work, and decided that we might use it..."

"MIGHT?"

"...If it completes one last test"

"...but..."

"Your device... this... SMNM... thing... must successfully invade one planet of our choosing before we start to produce more of them."

"And that planet is?" asked Zeffie through gritted teeth.

"Planet Earth," finished Red triumphantly.

"EARTH? BUT... BUT THAT'S WERE ZIM IS!"

"So?" asked Red coolly.

"HE... HE... he..., well... well first of all, your sending it to a planet where an Invader already is, and-"

"You know as well as us that Zim doesn't count as an Invader. You know he was banished."

"Ok... but... BUT ZIM'S GOING TO BLOW UP HIMSELF AND THAT PLANET ANY DAY NOW! HE'S INCOMPETENT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!"

Red grinned.

"Can't we?" he said.

"You... YOU... AAAAAAAAH!"

Zeffie's spider-legs burst out of her Pak. She rose up on them and towered above the Tallest.

"I'M GONNA CRUSH YOU!"

She raised one of her spider-legs to attack, but suddenly screamed and fell to the floor. Behind her were some of the guards holding huge tasers. They plugged a Suppressor into Zeffie's Pak to stop all it's functions except her personality, then they handcuffed her.

"Oh, and by the way Zeffie..." added Red, "You're banished"

"Wha...wha..." stammered Zeffie. Her eyes were huge, and she began to tremble with fear.

"You heard. You're banished."

All traces of shock melted away from Zeffie and were again replaced by fury.

"I'LL GET YOU! I'LL GET YOOOOUUU!" screamed Zeffie as she was hauled away.

Just as the guards taking Zeffie were leaving the room, Purple rose for the first time and called out to them.

"STOP!"

The guards turned, and a glimmer of hope shone through the anger in Zeffie's face.

"Can one of you get me another soda on the way out?" asked Purple.

Zeffie howled, and the double doors closed behind her.

Chapter 2

Bridge, The Massive. Five days later

The huge Irken Armada rumbled through space, and at its head lay the great Massive, the most powerful of all ships. It was home to the Tallest, the Irken leaders, and, although not known for leading very much, they had their share of problems. Now, as they stood on the bridge of their mighty ship, they were discussing one of them.

"Do we have to?" moaned Tallest Purple.

"We gave her our word. Even though she's banished, we still gave her our word, in front of witnesses. We have to send her robot thing to Earth," replied Tallest Red.

"But why does it need a Pak? This could be dangerous! We never said that the robot had to have a brain when it took over Earth, did we? We could just send a dead lump of metal there!"

"Because this way, we're killing two birds with one stone."

Red turned and floated through the bridge doorway, and down the corridors of the Massive. Purple, whimpering slightly and slurping a soda, followed.

Red zoomed through the twisting corridors, down into the lowest and darkest corner of the Massive. Here there was practically no technology, and where there was it was heavily armored and disguised. This was the Massive's prison bay.

No matter how many prison ships the Armada had, it was also vital to have a jail in the head ship for times of trouble. Right now there was only one prisoner, but they needed all the guards of the prison just to keep him at bay.

The Tallest zoomed round, never being questioned as to their business here by the guards. It was not hard to tell who the Tallest where, and if you did question them, you'd find yourself banished to Foodcourtia or some other intergalactic cesspool of pain.

As Red and Purple rounded the last corner, they slowed and turned. In front of them, incased in a glowing green energy sphere, was one of Irk's most hated creatures. It was the thief known only as X.

Purple gulped. "I really don't like this idea!" he stammered, "This guy is dangerous enough as is, without sticking him in some war robot!"

"It'll be fine. ZIM will blow himself and X up soon," said Red calmly, "Remember what he was saying about that energy ray? I had the plans examined, and it will send out a shockwave of doom, obliterating everything on or around Earth! Including ZIM!"

"Oh..." said Purple, but he still didn't sound convinced.

X was yelling something at the Tallest, but the sphere was sound proof.

"Well, come on! We don't have all day, you know!" yelled Red at the scientists.

"Sorry, my Tallest." they mumbled and began to type things into computer terminals.

"Are we good to go?" asked Red.

"Yes, my Tallest!" replied the chief scientist, "Shall we deactivate him?"

"Yes, get on with it."

The scientist pushed a button, and X fell to the floor, his eyes still open.

"We have a Suppressor built into his Pak. We've set it to deactivate all functions for now. His biological rhythms are still normal, but his mind is completely blank, at least for now. I don't want to be near him when he wakes up. He'll reactivate near this Earth place. Hopefully we'll never here from him again."

"Good. Hurry up. I'm hungry."

"Yeah! We're hungry, OK?" exclaimed Purple. He'd finished his soda, and was rubbing his stomach ruefully.

The scientists hauled X onto a metal table, and rolled him onto his back. The chief pressed another button on the Suppressor's controls, and the Pak detached itself from X's back. Carefully, they removed it and carried it over to the SMNM prototype. They slid the Pak into the grooves designed to hold it, and it shot connectors into the robot's back. The connection was complete, and the robot shell was hurried into a space pod.

The pod's door slammed shut behind the SMNM, and the pod rode a tractor beam into the air lock. The Tallest watched as the ship disappeared into the distance, and Red thought he could faintly make out, through a porthole, the robot's lifeless face. It somehow managed to look threatening.

Red shuddered, his confidence ebbing somewhat. Somehow, it didn't seem like it would be the last time he saw that face.

Chapter 3

United States of America, Planet Earth

At the end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy, there lies a small, blue-green planet by the name of Earth, only ever visited by mildly interested college students getting degrees in "Worst Places To Live Realty." It is populated mainly by a species so horrific, so horrendously squishy and primitive that most civilized species try not to mention it at all, if possible, and this is made easier by the fact that the species was so unintelligent that they hadn't even made successful contact with other species yet. In fact, the "humans," as they were called, couldn't even communicate with other species on their own planet!

Hard to imagine such stupidity, isn't it?

They even still divided themselves under national governments, instead of one unified planetary one. One of these national groups was called the United States of America, and was separated into fifty even smaller groups known as "states." But this is just a small example of their barbaric ways, since each and every city also had its own "mayor" and ruling body.

But this is all fine-print for our story, and in reality no one gives a Schloogorgh's eye about any of this, and the real point I am trying to make is this:

Deep within the hideous insanity of the "suburban" (soob-ar-bin) communities surrounding a major city in this U.S. of A., was a small, out of place abode. With a synthetic purple roof, green sub-energy walls and an interior that somehow defied the laws of physics and was much larger than the building's walls could ever allow, you might think it was perfectly normal. But for the Earth monkeys, it was... unusual, compared to the larger building's made out of some sort of rectangular rock known as a "brick", and interiors that obeyed the rather old-fashioned concept of being "physically possible."

Fortunately for its owner, the squishies were a particularly ignorant breed, and didn't overly notice. Its owner was actually a very small Irken called ZIM who had severe personality problems. "Severe" doesn't even hope to justify little ZIM's problem. Suffice to say, it has been recently proven in the Vortian Prison Research Facilities that he had an ego the size of a medium-to-large sized nebula. And this little Irken was currently standing on his roof.

"GIR, witness my next ingeious plan! GIR? GIR! ... Where are you, GIR?"

"I'm makin' tacos!"

A small robot clambered onto the roof through an open window, carrying a plate of small, syrup covered foodstuffs.

"You want a taco?"

"No, GIR. Never again."

"YOU WANT A TACO?"

"No, GIR. I do not want a taco!"

"YOU WANT A TACO?"

"No! You know I hate its hideous taco bean meat! Besides, I've called you here to watch as I singlehandedly destroy the humans, then pose triumphantly as the Armada descends to greet my victory! I've already practiced the pose! Here, check it out."

He contorted his body into a position of such self-obsessed pride that several species have had mental allergic reactions to it causing their cerebral cortexes to explode.

"I wanna taco!"

GIR shoved the tacos into his mouth, plate and all. He chewed for a moment, choked, coughed up taco juice, chewed, and swallowed.

"I like da tacos!"

"Yes, of course you do... Of course you do... Now witness!"

ZIM pushed a button on the communications dish on his roof. It quickly folded itself up and retreated into the house's roofing. In its place rose a huge hydro-searing death cannon, quite capable of wiping out any water-based planet.

"It's got mayo on it!"

"No, GIR, it does not have may-oh-nays on it. It is the Hydro-Doom 5000. The other four thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine simply made the water make strange flatulence noises, but I've solved the problem and now it will wipe out the entire planet in a super-heated vapor doom!"

"Mayo..."

"No, GIR. No mayo on my cannon."

"I'm gonna climb on it!"

"O-kay... I'll start the ray charging then, shall I?"

"Okee Dokee!"

ZIM pressed a button, and a bar along the side of the ray slowly inched forwards.

"Eh... this might take awhile."

"I'm gonna get more mayonnaise!"

"You do that, GIR. I'm going to practice my pose some more."

"Yay! Mayo!"

The little robot rolled off the cannon and subsequently off the edge of the roof. It was lucky that he did, for just a second after ZIM had twisted into his victory stance, a small flaming spacecraft hurtled through the sky and smashed straight into the death ray, sending pieces of Earth's doom hurtling every which way.

ZIM's eye twitched, and sanity decided to step out the door for a breath of fresh air.

Chapter 4

Five minutes ago, a small spaceship slowly began to enter Earth's atmosphere, its screening technology swatting away the simple probing rays that the human governments sent out to spot for things just like this. It wasn't very large, just an engine and basic computer guidance, with just enough room to fit a medium sized Irken. It didn't even feature life support, since this was a craft designed to carry attack robots, and traditionally were shot out in droves from a warship circling a planet under siege. This one, however, was being used for a simple one-way transport mission.

Inside the tiny cabin, a robotic voice rang out.

"Hey."

Sensing no response, the ship's onboard computer tried again.

"Hey."

Again sensing nothing, it manipulated its life-support connections to its passenger in a way that probably wasn't programmed in.

"Hey!"

Three thousand volts of electricity sped through the wires connecting pilot and passenger, effectively jarring X's pack alive, while simultaneously and unknowingly shorting out the Pak's tracking device, thanks to slight damage in the chip's covering that had occurred over the years.

"EEAGH!"

"Much better."

"Aaah... my head... my back..."

"I thought you might be interested to hear we are nearing our destination."

"What destination? I'm not in prison anymore?"

"No. I have been programmed to take you to planet Earth as your banishment. It is an interesting side-note that I have also been programmed to destroy myself in the process, to leave you stranded. Not that I, as a machine, have any concept of interest"

"Oh. I see. Wait, what?"

"I have been programmed to-"

"Stop! How... are you going to destroy yourself?"

"Entering atmosphere. Activating landing thrusters... not."

"Oh no. No! I may be banished, but I'm not being banished in a crashed ship! Just... just fly off again after we land!"

"Impossible. My main thrusters are nearly out of fuel as it is. Don't worry, though. You don't have to feel any pain. Just shut down until after the crash."

"Shut... down?"

"Yes. All us machines can do it."

"Machines? No, I'm... Irken?"

He glanced down at himself and noticed, for the first time, his brand new sleek, metallic exterior.

"Oh no... Oh no! NO! I can't be... I can't! I'm Irken, dammit!"

"Negative. All bio-scans reveal no living material. You are a robot, although a finely crafted and advanced one."

"NO! YOU FLY BACK NOW! I NEED MY BODY!"

"No. Although I cannot fly back, even if I could it would be of no use."

"Why not?"

"My link to the Massive tells me your body is being incinerated as we speak."

An incomprehensible distance away, Red grinned and brushed his hands off. He turned to the crew of garbage disposal drones.

"Well, that's him finished!"

"Landing in 10- 9- 8-"

"You turn back now!"

"7- 6- 5-"

"I'm warning you!"

"4- 3- systems shutting down"

"OH NO YOU DON'T-"

The ship crashed.

Chapter 5

ZIM's head wobble slowly back and forth, his eyes bulging, and his mouth silently contorting itself into hideous forms, yet no sound left his lips. The thing that had crushed his beautiful cannon seemed to be some sort of mechanical asteroid. It was much too small to be a ship of any kind. There was no room for controls or life support inside that tiny thing, and it had no windows, although it could feasibly have had cameras transmitting data inside.

ZIM goggled. ZIM groaned, ZIM burst forth with the most explicit collection of profanity ever heard that carried on for several minutes. There was the sound of things breaking inside his house, but he didn't seem to care. His mouth stayed stretched open, hurling out curses and unfulfillable promises. Then, suddenly, a damaged door in the strange object slowly creaked outward.

"Ah... my head!"

A large robot, quite a bit taller than ZIM, fell outwards from the machine.

"Ah! Ow..."

The robot cradled his head in his arms. Obviously, he thought, that had all been a bad dream when he was under the toxic influence of a truth drug. He'd felt this hideous feeling once before, when he had been captured by a rival gang. He must be in the Massive, back in his protective cell.

He opened his eyes. At least, he tried to, but they weren't his eyes. Strange symbols and information buzzed before his eyes. Everywhere he looked, X-rays and bio-scans blurred up, revealing information about their subjects.

"AH!" he screamed.

He stared at ZIM, and instantly the Irken's body was enlarged in a corner of his vision, going through a kind of cross-section zoom.

"AAH!"

He looked down at his hands, and a brief chip scan took place, taking approximately .00001 seconds to read all of the information contained in them. A small window popped up, featuring 3D blueprints, a list of important points about his hand, and a scrolling text block that read:

SMNM ( HAND )

Scientific Machine of Neurotechnological Militariness. Designed as an Invader replacement by Zeffie (Irken, Insanely Brilliant Degrees in Military Technology and Neurosciences). Features all functionality of Invader and SIR, plus additional knowledge and power. Also allows Irken pak to be installed as controlling mind.

"AAAAAAAAH!"

X fell to the ground.

"NO! NO! NOOOO!"

ZIM, on the other hand, was now dumbfounded by something completely other than the destruction of his cannon. He had spotted the insignia branded on X's head.

"You're... Irken!" he cried.

"NO! Not anymore! Agh... no... no... no..."

"Yes! I see now! You're an Irken battle droid, sent by the Tallest to aid me! Thank you thank you thank you! I have to go thank the Tallest and-"

"I BROUGHT THE MAYONNAISE!"

GIR ran back up the roof, carrying a bowl of mayonnaise filled with shards of glass. He dumped the bowl upside-down on ZIM's head and sat on top of it.

"GIR?"

The little robot's eyes glowed red.

"Yes, my master?"

"Get off my head. And take your filthy mayo. You're getting glass in my eye."

"Yay! Glass!"

GIR grabbed the bowl from ZIM's head and swallowed it.

"Thank you, GIR. Now, go watch TV! I have to go destroy the Dib with my new droid. Come on, stand up. What's your name, robot slave?"

X's eyes shone red. No one could rule him, no matter what body he was in. Huge spider legs burst out of his back, pinning ZIM to the ground.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"Eh... eh... GIR! ASSIST YOUR MASTER!"

"I'm gonna get some more mayo!" squeaked GIR, and hopped off the roof.

"No! GIR! Help! GIR!"

"What's going on?" yelled X, "Where am I? Why am I in this thing?"

"What are you talking about? You're obviously just the latest in military battle droids-"

"I'M X, DAMMIT! NOT A ROBOT! I'M IRKEN, AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT!"

But part of his conscience was doubting that, nagging at him. Was he X any longer?

"I... I just don't know..." he sighed, and slumped to the ground, although still pinning ZIM in place.

"Eh? You just seem like a robot to m-"

"AH!" screamed X, and his chest suddenly opened, allowing rows of lasers and missile launchers to fly out on connective tentacles.

"WHAT IS THIS?" he screamed.

"See? You're just another robo- Eep..."

ZIM squeaked and fell trembling to the floor as one of the deadliest missiles in X's arsenal twitched, lighting up along its sides to signify that it had been armed.

"Tell- me- where- I- am!" he said, slowly,

"You're on Earth it is my planet for invasion and the only reason you can be here is to help me conquer it I am ZIM what are you?" ZIM burbled quickly, eyes watering as he dared not blink.

"I'm... SMN- wait, no! I'm X. This suit keeps on putting... ideas... into my head! I don't know wha- wait! Did you say you're ZIM?"

ZIM was a well known laughing stock back on Irk. Even the thieves knew about him. Some motion hologram producers had tried to buy the rights to turn ZIM's briefings into a DHD series. The Tallest had strongly supported them, until realizing it wasn't their legal right.

"Yes! I am ZIM! And now, I guess..."

"Just... take me inside your base... you do have a base, right? You're not that inept that you don't have one, are you?"

"Inept? ZIM? You must be thinking of the wrong Invader!"

"Yeah... sure... just take me inside..."

The sky darkened as X and ZIM crawled off of the roof, the smoke from X's wrecked transport curling up into the sky, obscuring the stars. For a moment, ZIM could see why humans felt they were alone in this huge universe we call home. Then he cleared his head and continued planning their imminent demise and wondering what the meaning behind all that had happened was.