My brother helped me write this story. It's supposed to be funny, I hope you like it…

Vampire Chronics

Vol. 1

It was 2007, on a rainy day. It was late, and he went into an all night bar. He looked around. It was empty except for a couple sitting in a booth making out.

"Hey, give me a beer." He tilted his hat to see the lady bartender. She wasn't hot, but she wasn't ugly either.

"Here ya go, bub." The bartender placed the bottle on the table and started collecting the empty coasters and napkins. He finished his beer and put a ten on the table.

"Keep the change." He said to the bartender, and fixed his jacket. "It's gonna be a long night."

Tex Madden walked across the lonely road. "Brr… it's cold." He hugged his jacket closer as he looked at the emptiness.

*Snap* A twig. He turned to where the noise came from. *Snap* Another twig. He turned around to see the dead face of a girl.

"Aaaahhhh!" he screamed as she threw him ten feet across the road.

"Ha, ha, ha." The girl smiled and disappeared. *Snap* Tex looked up to see the girl hovering over him. Getting closer, and closer, she picked him up by the collar.

"Well, if it isn't Tex Madden," she said. Her breath was cryptic. Flesh fell from her mouth as she talked. She smiled as her eyes turned a bloody red. "I'm hungry!" She bent her head in towards his neck.

"I don't think so." Tex pulled out a stake from under his jacket and stabbed her right through her heart. She screamed a high-pitched scream. It was like murder. Her jawbones detached as her eyes got really big. She screamed again and turned to ashes. It blew away with the wind.

"One down, twenty thousand to go." Tex picked up his stake and blew off the ashes. He placed it behind his pants and walked on.

"Jonny Westerland Maxville, what have I told you about that junk?" His mother screamed.

"Only after I do my homework." Jonny rolled his eyes, closed his comic book, and pulled out his textbook, 'Science is the Future'.

"That's better," She closed his door.

Jonny huffed, "That's crap." He threw his textbook on the floor and re-opened "The Legend of Dracula." Jonny reached over and turned his radio on, full blast.

His mother looked at Jonny's door from downstairs. "Kids these days." She shook her head and continued reading the newspaper. Ms. Maxville could hardly hear the doorbell over her son's stupid rock music. First, only one ring. When Ms. Maxville didn't open the door, the visitor began ringing furiously to get attention. Ms. Maxville shouted to Jonny to "turn the damn radio off, or else!" and opened the door to see who the visitor was.

It wasn't Mr. Tex Madden.

"Oh, Elsie! It's nice to see you," said Ms. Maxville to the visitor, a middle-aged woman with light blonde hair and hazel eyes.

"Can I come in Heather?" she asked. "I'm in a mood for a drink."

"Sure," said Ms. Maxville, not in the least suspicious, as though entertaining short-notice guests wasn't uncommon. "What would you like, dear, I've got lemonade…"

"I'm not in the mood for lemonade, dear." Replied Elsie.

"Are you sure? I squeezed it this morning."

"No… I'm really in the mood for… blood!" Elsie jumped onto Ms. Maxville from behind and drained her dry in about ten seconds.

Jonny suddenly felt… in the mood… for beer, no, lemonade. Jonny took his 'Legend of Dracula' with him to the kitchen. When he entered, he screamed a high-pitched scream at the sight of the empty lemonade pitcher on the table.

"Hello, Jonny boy." Said Elsie, smiling.

"Where's mom?" Jonny asked, but suddenly stopped when he saw Elsie's vampire fangs. "Cool costume teeth, Elsie." Complimented Jonny.

"Come, take a closer look," Elsie said.

"Okay," Jonny answered, going over to Elsie.

Jonny looked at Elsie's teeth and compared them to Dracula's picture. "Yours are small and midgety," he said. Elsie lost her patience and started to bite him. "Uh, oh," Jonny said, stuffing his comic book into her mouth. Elsie tore up the comic and chased Jonny up the stairs to his room. Jonny looked for something to fight with…

"Maybe this thing'll be useful for once." Jonny said, picking up his… Science book. He flipped through it for some helpful hints on killing vampires, but could only find some helpful hints on killing frogs… not even vampire frogs.

"Anyway…" Jonny said, throwing the book on the floor. "I gotta kill a vampire!"

*BANG, BANG* Elsie pounded on the door. "Let me in Jonny boy. Let's play!"

"Uh… maybe later." Jonny rummaged around his toy box. He picked up a sling- shot he got for Christmas. "This'll work!" He smiled. He takes out his Swiss army knife and shaves down the butt end of the slingshot.

"I'm coming Jonny!" Elsie says, scratching on the door. After a couple of minutes, Jonny finally shaves a sharp end to the slingshot. Jonny walks over to the door, ready to turn the handle when Elsie breaks in on her own.

"Ha! Let's play!" Elsie looks around the room, but Jonny is missing.

"Ha! Let's play!" Jonny says, stabbing her in the back, through her heart.

"EEEEEEAAAAAHH!" Elsie screamed, trying to reach the stake, but can't. She falls out the window and turns to ashes before hitting the ground. She goes with the wind.

Jonny looks out the window. "There goes my sling-shot." Jonny runs downstairs to fetch his mom. But he finds her dead, pale body in the middle of the doorway to the kitchen.

"Mom, stop fooling around. We're outta lemonade." Jonny walked past her. "Fool, leaving the door open. Any old body can come in." Jonny closed the door. Ms. Maxville still lay on the floor.

"Mom?" Jonny asked. "Mom?" Jonny turned her over. Her face is deadly pale and her eyes and mouth are wide open. "Uh… you're drooling on the floor." Jonny looks at the puncture wounds on his mother's neck. What the hell are those? He looks across the kitchen at his torn "Dracula" comic book. He remembers that Dracula bit people's necks.
"Aahh! Mom's dead!" Jonny raced to the phone to call the cops.

"Cops, cops…" Jonny looked through the phonebook for the police number. "Here we go…" Jonny finds the number, but its torn out at the corner. He calls the number anyway.

Tex Madden returns to his office. "What a long day, yet only one vampire. Where are they all?" He was about to lie down when the telephone rang. "I'll let the answering machine get that." Tex said, closing his eyes. *Ring* again… *Ring* again.

"Damn it!" Tex curses. The next time the phone rang, Tex picked it up.

"Cops? I've been calling every ten seconds!" Jonny yelled.

"Why didn't you leave a message?" Tex replied.

"Cops? My mom's dead!" Jonny yelled, then hung up.

The next time the phone rang, Tex picked it up.

"Cops? My mom's dead!" Jonny yelled.

"I'm not the cops, kid." Tex replied.

"Cops? Mom got dead by a bloodsucking lady!" Jonny yelled, then hung up.

"Damn it!" Tex cursed.

So it continued for the better part of an hour. When Jonny opened his front door, there was a visitor.

It wasn't Elsie.

It wasn't Ms. Maxville, either.

It was Mr. Tex Madden. "You called, kid, 300 times?"

"Cops?" Jonny said. "Where's your badge?"

"Don't got a badge, kid. I'm not the…"

"Where's your gun? Cops?"

"Don't got a gun, kid. I've just got a …"

"Cops? Let me see the … thing."

"I've got a stake, kid. I'm not the…"

"Can we eat the steak? Cops?"

"No, kid. And I'm not the… never mind. Do you have any… beer?"

"No way, cops." Said Jonny.

"Got any lemonade?" asked Tex.

"Uh… yeah." Jonny said. He got a cup and was pouring nothing from the lemonade pitcher when he remembered that his mom needed to make more. "Mom! Make more lemonade!" he yelled. In the meantime, he put ice in the cup and peed in it, hoping that Mr. Tex cops wouldn't guess that there wasn't any beer.

"Mmm… smooth!" Tex said, coughing after a taste. "It's quite sour, and a little more yellow than I remember…" Tex came upon Ms. Maxville's body. "Oh, here's your poor dead mother, Jonny."

"Yeah, cops. My mom's not feeling too well."

"What?" Tex said, confused.

"Cops?"

"What?"

"Cops?"

"Never mind."

"What?"

"Cops… d'oh!" Tex said.

Jonny and Tex decided that a nice cup of water will be good to talk about "matters."

"Smooth…" Tex says after drinking a gulp of water.

"So… cops." Jonny says.

"Well, I think that your mother got bitten by a vampire."

"A vampire? But it was a lady! Aren't vampires only guys?" Jonny looks at his comic book and sighs.

"They can be a man or lady. A vampire is a vampire." Tex sips his water.

"So that's how we kill it then… cops?"

"Yep. A stake through the heart should work. But we must protect ourselves, with garlic and a cross. Maybe some holy water."

"A steak? Hmm… garlic would be great with a steak." Jonny heads towards the refrigerator. "Where do we get 'dem holy water at?"

"At a church probably."

Tex decides it's getting late. "Hey, kid. I've got work tomorrow. I have to go."

"Okay cops." Jonny opens the door.

"Do you… are you going to be okay? By yourself?"

"Myself? I have mom remember?" Jonny points at Ms. Maxville lying on the ground.

"Uh… I think you should come with me… it would be safer." Tex said.

"Where cops? To the station? But I didn't do anything wrong, cops?"

"No, to my office. You can stay there."

"Okay cops."

Jonny and Tex leave the Maxville's house and walk to Tex's office.

"It would be easier if we caught the bus, cops." Jonny says, looking around.

"Nah, that costs money."

"Is it safe out here? Cops? With the vampires?" Jonny says, looking around.

"Well, I'm prepared." Tex grabs his stake and shows it to Jonny.

"Cool… thing, cops."

They reach the office, and head up to the 10th floor. Tex opens the door, and the lights turn on automatically.

"We're home." Tex said.

End Chapter 1.

Well, that's about all for now. Tell me what you think about it and I'll finish up the rest of the story. (I already have the rest of the story, but I'm too lazy to type it all now. I guess you'll just have to wait) *evil laughs*