NOTE: FLAMERS WELCOME!
Author's notes: The crazy old man is a crude self insert of my mate Tom. That's two self inserts down for this chapter two left. And for anyone who didn't know Phil is the popular author 'Sponge'.
Chapter 2: The Dark Lord Phil
Andrew had finished his chores and was now slowly trudging back to the farmhouse. He pondered what evil tasks his Grandfather had in store for him. Andrews trail of thought was soon brought to an abrupt end by an unusual old man on the side of the road gibbering and chattering away to himself.
"Are you alright sir?" asked the bemused Andrew.
"What? When? Who? Oh, Yes, yes fine? Woo Naany!" replied the crazy old man, in a suitably insane fashion.
"Oh, ok then." Andrew begins to walk back home.
"Wait Angelsword."
Andrew stops dead in his tracks, turning to look at the crazy old man.
"H-h-how did you know my surname." he stuttered.
"It's written on your pitch fork," points out the crazy old man.
"Oh" looking at his pitchfork.
"There's more to your surname than you think young Andrew," he continues.
"Andrew's not written on my pitchfork…"
"For you see, your name goes back centuries to a time when peace sheltered the whole world. A time of laughter, enjoyment and freedom, but one day a dark force appeared with the want to destroy all the good in the world!"
"Wow, that's some pure twenty four carrot cheese you're spewing up there." interrupts Andrew.
"Shut up! Ya little heathen!" snaps back the crazy old man "I'm trying to be dramatic." he stops to think.
"Can you hurry up I've got tea in ten minutes." says a rather impatient Andrew
"Don't rush me!" shouts the crazy old man "Ohhh! You made me lose my place! Anyway what I'm trying to say is that your part of an ancient prophecy to save the world!" he continues to explain, even more frustrated with Andrew's attitude.
"Is that it? I thought you were going to tell me something important." Andrew answers in surly tone.
The crazy old man looks like he is about to flip his lid and attack Andrew, when a huge explosion is heard from the direction of the village. Both turn to face the noise.
"The village!" Howls Andrew. He quickly dashes off in the direction of the settlement.
"That's it Angelsword, run, run for your life! MWA HA HA HA, HA HA HA HA HA!" The old man's insane laughter soon becomes coughs and splutters as he struggles to breathe. "I've got to stop doing that."
Andrew runs as quickly as possible to his village. He soon reaches it, to be greeted by masses of demonic beasts. Running around, tearing down houses, and slaughtering anyone they can get their hands on.
Andrew tightly clenches his pitchfork, outraged with what he is seeing and runs straight into battle, stabbing one of the demonic beasts right in the back, extracting a satisfying blood curdling scream as it collapses to the floor. Andrew swiftly turns around proceeding to spear another demon. Blood splatters everywhere, and the monster crumples to the ground with a minimum of effort. After quickly disposing of that fiend, Andrew finds himself easily cutting his way through the pack of inhumane creatures. Blood now covered his pitchfork and shirt, and pure rage pumped through his veins. He gasped for breath, surrounded by the bloody corpses of the atrocious brutes.
Suddenly almost out of nowhere appeared a strange dark figure standing in front of him, an aura of power surrounding him. The blackness of his gothic cloths was only matched by the blackness in his heart. The wind blew, pushing the wistful august brown hair aside revealing his soulful auburn brown eyes (that high-lightened a deep sense of inner hatred).
He clutched a large staff almost the length of his own body.
"Who are you?" shouted Angelsword.
"My name dear boy, is Phil! Lord of Insufficient Light!" he answers in extreme self-belief.
"What! That name sucks!" replies Andrew with his usual cocky manner.
"Screw you!" Phil aims his staff at Andrew and conjures three demonic beasts. "Ha! Once I have destroyed you, this village will be brought to the ground and I can become a full Dark Lord! AHAHAHA!"
With his dark magic and demonic minions, Phil continues to destroy the rest of the village, while Andrew tries to face off the three demonic beasts. But up on a nearby hill an even stranger figure stands alone, watching the ongoing slaughter. We can only see the silhouette of this tall dark outsider.
"Those lesser minions of Phil might be effortless kills, but I promise that I will not be so easy!" He quietly mutters away to himself, in a typical moody badass style.
Andrew easily disposes of Phil's beasts, but it is too late. The village has been burnt to the ground.
"AHA HA HA HA!" he laughs, manically. "At last I have done it! I am now a full dark Lord!" (Final Fantasy victory music plays.)
A small black hole appears in the rift of time and hands over certificate of some kind.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now a fully qualified Dark Lord.
You may now plunder with pride!
ATP +5
DEF +4
HP +7
IQ +1
'This is not a certificate and is non refundable if lost, burnt or consumed'"What! IQ plus one that sucks!" exclaimed Phil in a disgusted fashion. "Well no matter, with this place destroyed the Emperor can initiate the final phases of the plan and destroy the world! MWAHA HA HA!
"Do you have to do that every time you reveal an evil plan?" asks Andrew
"Yes, yes I do"
A small minion walks up to Phil congratulate him.
"Hey Phil congratulations on becoming a Full Dark Lord."
"Screw you!" Phil disposes of the nuisance by the means of two laser beams from his eyes.
"Now to deal with you pest!" The newly crowned Dark Lord fires a blast of energy at Andrew with his staff, instantly knocking him out. Phil opens up a portal, quickly diving in returning to the dark realms from which he came.
Our young hero lies wounded on the floor still unconscious. Can anyone save him?
The screen slowly fades out.
We're back with Sponge and Soviet Man, except they're slightly different. Soviet Man is sat down like a slob in a wheelchair, while Sponge is crouched down beside him holding some pieces of paper, Sponge also seems to have a slight lisp.
"Now are sure you want to upload this on fan fiction." queries Sponge.
"Yeah" answers Soviet Man in very blunt but very sure way.
"Well I don't know, this main character is a lot like a Mary Sue. You know what you said about them. You said they're a stain on fan fic writers everywhere and spoil the very essence of plots in good story."
"Yeah I know" he answers again in the same blunt way
"You're positive, cause once I've put it on I can't take it off"
"Yeah"
"Okay"
A few moments later after uploading…
"I don't like it, it's a Mary Sue"
Sponge sighs and tries to stop himself from having a break down.
Chapter 3 preview…
(Creepy nursery rhyme music plays)
(Andrew begins talking)
"Next time on Mary Sue"
(Adam buts in)
"I'll trade you these two pieces of tissue paper for a preview"
"That's not much tissue paper"
"That's not much of a preview"
(Creepy nursery rhyme music ends)