NOTE: At the moment this is just a one – shot fic, ok? I just felt like writing something different, might continue if people like it. Oh yeah, before I forget:
DISCLAIMER: J.K Rowling owns all the Harry Potter characters and associated stuff. Ooh yeah and some peeps at my school gave me the idea for part of this (the bit btw Hermy and Dumbledore)
SOME CRAZY PLACE
A Soap Opera for the disturbingly inclined
By Maelgwyn – violetstar.
STARRING:
Harry Potter: Evil CEO of Voldemort.Inc, easily distracted by Boobs.
Ronald Weasley: Resident Psychopath, Drug Dealer, Harry's equally evil sidekick, and, on occasion, cross dresser.
Hermione Granger: The Intelligent yet at the same time Incredibly Dumb damsel in distress/bimbo with a penchant for spandex lingerie.
Albus Dumbledore: Hermione's love interest and CEO of Harry's arch nemesis,
TwinklingEyes.Inc
Severus Snape: Creepy Psychic with A Nasty Habit of Popping out from Nowhere Just In Time to Deliver Eerily Prophetic Messages Concerning the Events of the Episode. He is never listened to.
EPISODE #14444: WEIRD THINGS AND STONED ANIMALS
Annoying Soap – Opera type music plays as opening credits roll. The episode begins inside a posh gentlemen's club. Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley have met to discuss their latest plans for revenge on Albus Dumbledore.
Harry: (on his mobile phone) WHAT! You're kidding! (Pause) You're not. Oh. Well what the hell happened? All you had to do was – yeah yeah, ok. I didn't think he'd be able to run so fast, that's all. I mean, he's like, what, a hundred and ten? (Pause) Shit. Oh well, yeah, talk to you later mate, yeah, ok, bye. (Hangs up) AAAAARGH!
Ron: What da hell is wrong wit you, dawg?
Harry: Don't talk like that, it's creepy.
Ron: Sorry. Just don't like seein' ma peeps – oops, sorry, business partners beefin' – I mean, upset, nigga. Oops. Harry.
Harry: Right. Well, anyway – (Breaks off mid sentence as a topless pole dancer shimmies past him) Whoa… booobsss… (Starts drooling)
Ron: Snap out of it!
Harry: What? Oh, sorry. Wait a minute. Where the hell did she come from? This isn't a brothel!
Ron: As if you care, all you want is titties! (Feels his nipples suggestively)
Harry: Argh! How many times have I told you not to do that! Now, where was I?
Ron: You were saying about Dumbledore – I think…
Harry: Oh yeah. He has great tits by the way. Yeah, well, anyway, the barstard gave us the slip. Again.
Ron: Shit! You mean he got past the Goldfish Alarm?
Harry: Yep.
Ron: And he got past the Enormous Cheese and the Pile of Yucky Sticky Green Stuff and the Big Guy with a Mallet and the Feral Cats with Rabies and My Mother's Huge and Embarrassing Underwear Collection? (He reaches down to his waistband and plucks out a wedgie caused by a pair of underwear which is, incidentally, his mother's.)
Harry: Yes. Are those flowers on your undies, Ron?
Ron: Er… (Ears turning red) … no… they're… dogs. Yeah. Dogs. Big, hairy, manly dogs. Yes. Manly. Er…
Harry: Well they sure as hell look like flowers. Oh no, don't tell me you slept over at your mother's house AGAIN! You are so sickening.
Ron: (In an attempt to distract Harry) Here. Have a joint.
Harry: You know I'm trying to quit!
Ron: Yeah, but I'm also your official drug dealer, you know. I have to do my job. What about a pill? A shot? A drug cocktail?
(At this point the door bursts open in a dramatic cloud of swirling mist. Cue suspenseful music: BUM BUM BUMMMMMM! Severus Snape, dressed in a turban, a hula skirt and lots of jangly mystic jewelery, enters.)
Snape: I come before you, my brothers… to bring you mystic prophecies from the World Beyond… youuuu are in great daaaaangerrrrr… beware the girl with the bushhhhhy haiiiiirrrr…. Youuuu are dooooommmed…. Ooooh…..
(He disappears in a cloud of evil smelling incense. End Suspenseful music)
Harry: Well, that wasn't very convincing! And what's with his boobs? They are just so… out there… so round …so… big.
Ron: Here we go again…
Harry: (gets up on the bar and starts dancing): "I like big tits and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when Snape walks in with a skirt around his waist and two round things in your face, you get sprung…"
Ron: HARRY! SHUT UP! (Grabs Harry's leg and pushes him off the bar)
Harry: Sorry. They're just so cool, that's all…
Ron: Uh huh. Look, it's getting late, and I really should get home to my mother – oops, I mean –
Harry: Riiight… er… I'll call you, shall I? We really need to figure out how to get Albus if we want to stay on top for the rest of the financial year.
Ron: (Lovingly fiddling with his underwear) what? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Harry: Never mind. See you. (Under his breath) Motherfucker.
Ron: What?
Harry: Nothing.
&&&&&&&
Meanwhile, Hermione Granger, dressed from head to toe in hot pink spandex lingerie, is lurking outside the security gates of Albus Dumbledore's swanky posh mansion, telescope in one hand and rope in the other. She is determined to get inside so she can tell Albus once and for all of her passionate love for him.
Hermione: (Peering through telescope into the house) Yes… that's it, my lovely, brush that beard… ooh yeah… mwahahahahahahahahaha! (In a fit of obsessive angst) Soon you shall be mine! Yes! How can you resist my lingeried glory? One glance at these spandex covered boobs and it's all mine…all mine! HEE HEE HEE! (Thinking) Hmm… now all I have to do is get over the fence…
(She flings the rope over the gate and begins to climb. Once at the top she stumbles and falls theatrically onto a pile of spiky weeds.)
OUCH! Holy SHIT!
(She gets up and walks forward… into a huge, steaming dog turd.)
For crying out loud! No wonder the guy has no friends! They're all scared to come over in case they should meet their untimely smelly deaths in his front garden! (Smiling freakishly) But I, I cannot be deterred by a mere spike up my arse! Nor can the overwhelming powers of the Extremely Smelly Dog Shit keep me from my goal! I will have Albus Dumbledore! (Calming down) Man, I sound like a psychopath…
(With her butt bleeding, her face dirty and her feet smelling of dog poo, she limps on toward the front door. Through the window she can see Dumbledore bewitching his quill to write a letter for him. Her heart flutters in excitement.)
So close… hehehe…
(Hermione is so absorbed in her romantic thoughts that she completely fails to see the marble step. She falls, with a damsel – in – distress cry of "oh!" – and knocks out one of her front teeth on the marble.)
Oh, shiiiiit… why me?
(Pulling herself together, she knocks on the door. Albus opens it.)
Dumbledore: Er… hello there… can I help you? Good God, what happened to your mouth? (He twinkles his eyes at her)
(Suspenseful yet romantic music begins to play as Hermione pushes her way inside and grabs Dumbledore by the collar, dripping blood onto his thousand dollar carpet. The lights dim, as is appropriate to this kind of scene.)
Hermione: (VERY dramatically) Oh! Albus! (More seriously) There's something I have to tell you. (Strikes "romantic" theatrical pose).
Dumbledore: (Also posing dramatically) Yes! Yes! Tell me now!
She springs toward him, smearing dog shit on his robes, blood still spilling from her mouth)
Dumbledore: But Hermione…(another long, suspenseful pause) I'm in love… with HARRY.
Hermione: (gasping and posing) Your father?
Dumbledore: No, no… the other Harry.
Hermione: The one who left the show seventeen years ago, got killed in a fire, came back to life, spent five months in hospital, had a sex change and married your dog? (Posing some more)
Dumbledore: No! The… OTHER Harry.
Hermione: You mean… your arch nemesis, the CEO of Voldemort.Inc?
Dumbledore: Yes! Yes Hermione, that's him!
Hermione: (dramatic pose) But… WHY?
Dumbledore: I can't help myself Hermione. He's just so –
Hermione: Beautiful?
Dumbledore: Hairy – chested.
Hermione: But… WHY? (Yep, you guessed it…POSES)
Dumbledore: I already told you!
Hermione: Oh, right.
(There is a loud noise from outside. Cue suspenseful music – AGAIN… bum bum bummmmmm…the front door bursts open in true theatrical style, knocking it off its hinges as Harry and Ron enter on the back of a large moose. They are carrying seriously dangerous weapons and look seriously ready to kick some ass.)
Hermione: Oh! (Faints)
Dumbledore: What the…
Ron: Yo wassup nigga? You goin down, dawg!
Harry: (In school – teacherish tones) Ron! I told you not to talk like that! It's racist and its silly and it makes you sound like a pathetic gangsta wannabe!
Ron: I can't help it! It just happens when I get excited…
Dumbledore: What are you doing in my house? (Winks at Harry) not that I mind… ahem.
(Harry and Ron get off the moose and aim their Large and Dangerous Guns at Dumbledore)
Harry: Forget it, Twinkle – Toes! This is the end of the line! Any last words?
Dumbledore: Why is there a moose in my living room?
Ron: Cars are boring! And you know, at times like this, you've got to make an entrance! I mean, you'll never see us again on account of being dead, so we might as well make it a time to remember, eh?
Dumbledore: But, still… a MOOSE? And how the hell did you get it to let you ride it?
Harry: We – that is, Ron – gave it so much bloody pot that it couldn't tell the difference between the ground and the sky anymore…Anyway – enough with the small talk! Prepare to DIE! AIEEEEEEEEEE!
(Tossing his gun aside, Harry leaps for Dumbledore in a fury of fingernails and teeth)
Dumbledore: I never knew you felt that way about me, Harry! I mean – AAAAH!
(A guy in a suit with a microphone appears from nowhere)
Random Guy: (In a booming, "boxing ring" kinda voice) Ladieeees and Gentlemeeeen! Welcome to the WWF Wizard Challenge World Wrestling Championships! On the left hand side, we have, the biggest, and the best… the DUMBLEDORE!
(The crowd goes wild… even though there is no crowd…)
And on the right hand side, we have, the hairy chested, and most superior… the HARRY!
(Invisible crowd screams its approval)
(Random Guy rings that bell thing that boxing rings etc seem to have – ding ding ding!)
Round One… FIGHT!
Dumbledore: Can't we just settle this over a cup of tea? We can go to the Leaky Cauldron…it'll be like a date… (Twinkles his eyes at Harry)
Harry: What! NO! I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last twinkly eyed old man on earth!
Dumbledore: YOU BROKE MY HEART! AAAAAH! (Collapses on the floor, sobbing and twitching like a maniac)
Harry: Ha ha! Once again, Voldemort.Inc comes out on top!
Ron: HARRY!
Harry: WHAT?
Ron: THE MOOSE! IT"S GETTING AWAY!
Harry: NO! GET IT! GET IT!
(Harry and Ron grab onto the tail of the Moose and hold on for dear life as it rampages, stoned and confused, through the house, knocking over everything in sight)
Hermione: (Waking up) what's going on? (Looking at Random Guy) What's HE doing here? Is that a moose!
Random Guy: Hey! They haven't had their fight! Now I won't get paid! My wife is going to kill me.
Hermione: (As the moose goes past with a doorframe around its shoulders) Um... I don't thinkthis is a very good time... why don't you come back later?
(Random Guy disappears in a cloud of smoke.)
Harry: (giving up and jumping off the moose) Just let it go, Ron, we'll get a cab... (Spotting Hermione, in all her spandex underwear glory) Hey! Dude, would you get a load of the jugs on that one!
Ron: Harry...
(Harry sprints over to Hermione.)
Harry: Hey!
Hermione: What?
Harry: (Drooling) Can I feel your boobies... please... oooohhhhh...
Hermione: Just because I'm half knocked out and dressed like a prostitute doesn't mean I'm easy! How dare you? (Shocked pose... man she loves posing!)
(At this point, spooky and mysterious music begins to play... da na da da nana doo...)
Harry: What the hell...?
(Surrounded by swirling mists, Snape comes crawling out of a cupboard near the door.)
Harry: How the hell did you get here?
Snape: (Mysteriously) Thaaat iss not important... I come to bring you warninnnng... beware the giiiirl with the Incredibly Perky Boobs and Busssshy Haiiir...she isss eeeeeviiiilllll...EEEEVIIIILLLL...
Harry: Yeah, whatever. Look, go away, will you? I'm tryin' to get laid here!
(Exit Snape)
Ron: Harry we better get out of here... we don't wanna be here when the cops arrive!
Harry: The cops are coming! Who called them?
Ron: I did.
Harry: What? Why? You idiot!
Ron: Well, SOMEONE had to. Otherwise how would we end this scene? You've got to keep the audience interested!
Harry: Good point. But Ron...
Ron: Yes?
Harry: I though you told me you and your mother broke it off.
Ron: We did! I told her we couldn't be together anymore!
Harry: Then why have you got pink lipstick smeared all over your face? And WHY do you smell like her perfume? And what the hell is THAT? (Pointing to the hickey on Ron's neck)
Ron: Er... I couldn't help it! She overpowered me! I was overpowered, damn you!
Harry: Yeah right mate. Look, you're wearing her panties again! You make me SICK!
Ron: Hey! Don't be mean!
And so, my friends, this episode ends. What will happen next week? Will Ron finally give up his relationship with his mother? Will Dumbledore ever stop crying? Will Hermione put some clothes on? These questions and more, answered next week on Some Crazy Place. Stay Tuned!
(Annoying soap opera music plays again as closing credits roll)
(Screen goes black)
END.
There we are, hope you liked it! If you want this to be more than a one shot, then please REVIEW and tell me so! Otherwise this is staying like it is. Do you like it? Do you hate it? Tell me! CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcome, no flames please. Thanx!