6. Tums Please

Teyla's expression, as she watched the two men on either side of the fire, mirrored how Ford felt. The night had been endless. They had fought off two more attacks, the last time standing back to back over the two injured men, spraying bullets in a wide circle. Toward the end he'd chucked the two grenades at them, and that seemed to be more effective than anything. Maybe it was something about the noise. He wasn't sure how many of the damn things they'd killed, but the books he'd read as a kid were right about one thing, dinosaurs were stupid.

It was both good and bad; good because they were easy to kill that way, but bad because they were starting to run low on rounds. Especially since Dr. McKay seemed to have decided to use his pockets for foodstuffs instead of the required number of magazines. Ford noticed with a scowl he'd brought enough MRE's to supply half of Atlantis.

Gazing at the MRE's, an idea niggled at the back of his mind and for the first time all night, he found himself grinning. If he could rig it right, those MRE's just might save their asses. When the sun finally came up, it took a little while for him to get everything arranged. He had to be able to get his hands free, temporarily, while still carrying one end of the stretcher they built for Dr. McKay. Finally he ended up tying loops of cord to his vest for the stretcher poles and hanging the canteens on hooks off his belt. The MRE heating elements he'd stowed in his vest pockets. This way he could even use the P-90 as long for as their rounds held.

He glanced over to where Teyla was attaching a tether to Sheppard; the major was dazed, his arm an angry red and swollen, his eyes glittery and unfocused. Ford knew the Major needed a stretcher almost as badly as McKay, but that wasn't an option. Rodney on the stretcher reminded him of that damn ravine. He still hadn't figured how he they were going to get across with the doctor flat on his back. He sighed. Talk about crossing bridges before you come to them. Just getting them all there in one piece was going to be almost as big an accomplishment.

Standing in front of the major, he could feel the heat radiating from the fevered body. The cloudy hazel eyes stared back at him, unseeing, and Ford felt all the weight of this man's life, of all of their lives, come down on him. Up until now there hadn't been time to think about it, but now… Ford took a deep breath. The Major's gaze suddenly sharpened on Ford's face with laser intensity, causing the desperate Lieutenant to think that perhaps some of his anxiety was seeping into the air between them.

"Ford." The major's voice sounded gravelly. John's eyes swung away from the lieutenant's face and took in the preparations he'd made for the trek back. Under that close scrutiny Ford felt himself flush. It all looked ridiculous, the water bottles and pouches dangling from his waist like some giant's cheap charm bracelet. But the major was nodding in approval; he seemed to have grasped what Ford had in mind. "You'll get us back, Lieutenant."

Just as suddenly as he'd become aware, the eyes unfocussed, his good hand plucking aimlessly at the fabric of the rough sling. His lips tightening, Ford rubbed at his forehead and re-settled his cap more firmly.

"Let us get them home," said Teyla, softly from beside him. He cleared his throat and nodded, moving to stand at the front of the stretcher where the weight would be greatest.

"Ok then, let's move out," Ford said with sudden resolve. Lifting McKay together, Sheppard moving unsteadily behind on his tether, they began heading back down the trail, back to the ravine.

Things went fairly well, at first. The doctor had not roused at all this morning but Teyla said his breathing and heart rate were steady. Ford had to hope it was good enough, or that she was right. The major was keeping up fairly well walking along behind Teyla, only occasionally stumbling or lurching into her in his haze. It didn't take long though for the smell of the injured men's blood to start to draw bigger predators than the insects already buzzing around them. Teyla, not surprisingly, had spotted them first.

"Lieutenant Ford," came her urgent low-voiced whisper. He glanced back at her over his shoulder, sweaty hands slipping on the ends of the stretcher.

"Where?" he demanded tersely, and looking the direction she indicated, saw them. It was the same damn rabid little blood-suckers that had attacked them during the night. Ford had named them Dobersaurs. He knew what Major Sheppard had said (about his naming things, specifically, not to). But, since he was now in charge, he could call them whatever he damn well felt like, especially since they were never coming back here again if he had his way. Besides, he liked the name Dobersaurs. They were dinosaurs about the size and temperament of rabid Doberman Pinschers. It seemed perfect to him. And they were getting bolder; Ford decided it was time for his secret plan.

"I think it's time to make a little noise," he said, and as he spoke, he let the loops of cording he'd laced to his vest take the weight of the stretcher, the vest dragging heavily off his shoulders. In one smooth motion he grabbed a canteen partly filled with water, dropped the MRE heating element into it and tightly screwing the lid on, threw it as hard as he could in the direction of the Dobersaurs. Seconds after it left his hand a huge BOOM shook the air. There was a moment of stunned silence and then Ford whooped as the Dobersaurs fled.

"I had no idea our food rations exploded," came Teyla's calm but perturbed voice in the stillness,.

Ford hastily explained. "It's not the food, it's the heating element. There's a chemical reaction with the water in the canteen."

"Ah." Teyla sounded less than thrilled with his explanation and he hurried on.

"I figure this will let us save our ammo for as long as possible. The Dobersaurs don't seem to like the loud noise."

"It is a clever ploy," said Teyla still a little coolly. "However I wish you had told me of your plan."

"Secret agent man, secret agent man," sang Sheppard in a pleasant if slightly reedy tenor. Both Teyla and Ford froze, then slowly turned to stare at the major. "They've given you a number, and taken away your name," he continued, then grinned broadly at them. "I always did like that song." Teyla and Ford exchanged amused but concerned glances.

"Uh, me too, Major," Ford said torn, between worry and laughter. "But we'd better be quiet so the dinosaurs don't come back." The major made a gun with his hand and shot at Ford with it.

"G'd th'nkng, L'tenent…"

"We'd best move on," Teyla said, "before he begins again." Grinning, Ford agreed.

He'd thrown two more of the MRE bombs before they'd arrived at the ravine, but they'd finally made it. Sighing with relief, Ford set the stretcher down and rubbed his tired shoulders. Sheppard was right; they had run a lot of the pudge off McKay. But even Dr. Weir would be heavy after you lugged her over a trail on a stretcher for three hours, and McKay was no Dr. Weir.

Ford glanced at his C.O., who had dropped to the ground as soon as they stopped, closing his eyes. Sheppard was running completely on automatic at this point. Unfortunately, Ford didn't know how much longer he would be able to keep the major on his feet. He'd be grateful to have Sheppard serenade them now. Teyla carefully checked McKay,her face clouded with worry. She had good reason to be concerned, though; the scientist hadn't opened his eyes, or moved since they this morning.

"How's he holding up, Teyla?"

She frowned up at Ford, eyes dark with distress. "His wound is infected and he is growing feverish. I am very alarmed about his arm." Deftly she removed some of the strapping that held the dislocated shoulder in place. Ford saw with growing unease that the doctor's fingers were white. "I do not believe the blood is circulating properly due to the injury."

"But he'll be all right once we get him back to Dr. Beckett, right?" asked Ford, a bad feeling growing in his stomach. Teyla compressed her full lips and looked down at McKay's arm.

"I think we need to hurry," she replied, not directly answering his question.