Commercials Are Evil Too
By Shyro Foxfeather
Dedicated to Triforce90 for the reason that every time I have writers block all I need to do is read When Titans Go Weird(er) and I am not so magically cured!
Also dedicated to Goover for she has recorded many of her rants that I can listen to while she's gone for four days. Yay bored-ness.
……
The day had been pleasant so far. Which usually means it's going to end unpleasantly as far as I know. And oddly enough everyday starts out pleasantly and ends oddly/painfully/fluffily for our poor Titans. However, I digress.
Cyborg sat comfortably on the U-shaped living room couch as he stared at the Television in a zombie-like manner. He was being entertained by the tellings of Jeff Foxworthy when the TV hit commercial. Cyborg groaned melodramatically and began to mindlessly channel surf when he flipped to most horrifying thing he'd even seen.
'Don't mess around with that messy glue!' Warned the television commercial showing the hands of some random person putting sequins on their cell phone with craft glue.
Cyborg stared in shock.
'Bling It On!' Cheered the commercial.
Cyborg blinked. "That's not bling!" He yelled at the television as it showed him little sticky sparkles.
'It's fun.' A twelve-year-old blonde girl who wore a forced smile monotoned.
"She shouldn't even know what bling is!" Protested Cyborg.
'It made my laptop sing when I added the bling! It's not just a kid thing, I love to bling!' A thirty-year-old blonde woman chirped as if she just said the cleverest thing in the world.
"Dude! They're all white! And yes, yes it is a kid thing! If you're white and over twenty they'll beat you up!" Growled Cyborg staring in anger at the screen.
The commercial ended and Cyborg shook with fury. "You're going down!" He shouted at the TV. He flipped through the shows again until he came across the 'evil fecking bling' commercial. He pressed record on the remote and gave no thought as to what the tape in the VCR might be.
……
"Damn it." Cursed Raven as she scoured her room for her videotape. "Where the heck could I have put my copy of The Powerpuff Girls movie?" She muttered. "That Buttercup rocks my socks!"
(AN: Truthfully, I hope that doesn't mean anything perverted. And I doubt you can record stuff on tapes like that but… They have a really, really nice television.)
……
Cyborg pulled out the tape and raised an eyebrow at the label before hitting the Titans alarm on the nearest wall. In mere seconds the four others had assembled in the living room.
"What's the problem?" Demanded Robin.
"This is!" Announced Cyborg holding the tape up. The others stared.
"My tape!" Cried Raven. She leapt at him trying to grab at it, however, Cyborg just dodged.
"Your tape? You watch The Powerpuff Girls?" Cyborg asked looking fairly disturbed.
"Uh…No?"
"Never mind! The point is that this is an atrocity!" He popped the movie in the VCR and waited not-so-patiently for the movie to play. The others watched the commercial in baffled silence until it ended and Cyborg pressed STOP button because that's what it's for. "See what I mean? This must be stopped!" He ranted.
Starfire was the first to speak, "I-uh-do not see what the problem is." She said softly.
"You wouldn't. You're from another planet." He retorted.
Beast Boy was next. "So, why do you hate this commercial so much? I mean, yeah, all commercials are evil, but why this one?"
"Because!" Cyborg replied, "It offends people! They were all white people! I didn't see one person in there even capable of understanding the culture of bling! And bling isn't sparkly little things like that! It's stolen hubcaps and stuff on chains!"
Long, long pause.
"How do you know this?" Raven asked with a hint of disturbance.
Cyborg groaned in annoyance. "Because it's not that hard to understand!"
Pause.
"I watch MTV?" Cyborg supplied.
"Ohhh…" Chorused the others.
Robin nodded, "I think I understand. You're upset because as the um… ghetto way progresses white people are stealing the unique things that set them apart and mutating them into a sickly sugarcoated trend for snobby preps?"
Stare.
"High school." Robin said solemnly.
"Ohhh…"
"Yes! Correct, Robin is correct! Thank you!" Cyborg cheered.
"So now what?" Beast Boy asked nervously.
Cyborg grinned fangedly, "We destroy the source."
"Not the source! Anything but the source!" Wailed Beast Boy. "Wait, what's the source. I though you ate the source."
"Beast Boy…" Cyborg muttered shaking his head in sympathy for his brain deprived friend.
(AN: While looking on TV to see if I could get a more lines from the bling commercial to put in here I found out that 'Employee Of The Month' was on. Heh.)
……
Somewhere In A Big Pink Skyscraper In Florida
Bling It On Inc.
"Sir, we've received another package." A mindless zombie worked announced as he dragged the large box into the office.
The corporate tycoon person didn't hesitate before replying, "Throw it in the de-bombing room with all the others."
"Well, sir, this one's different."
"How different?"
"It's from the Teen Titans in California."
"Oh, goodie! Let's see what they sent us." He exclaimed. "They wouldn't send us anything bad, they're super heroes you know." He said as if the zombie worker didn't know. The worker just gave him a mean look behind his back.
The tycoon person had barely opened the first slab of the box when-
BOOM!
Luckily the zombie worker survived and became the next president of Bling It On Inc. that he promptly changed to Bombs R Us.
And blew up lots of stupid companies that made stupid and offensive products that were made for the idiotic members of society.
…Owari…
…
Disclaimer: Don't look now; the kiwis will eat your soul with their cheese plushies of doom! Beware the shoelace! Despite what information the rabid frogs may have informed you with, I do not own Teen Titans, which means we will be busy trying to take over the company running it and unclogging our chimney.
First of all, I'm white. I can't even tan. Second of all, that IS a real commercial! Have you guys seen that thing? Holy crap!
I HATE THAT COMMERCIAL!
It's so blatantly stupid I have gotten to the point where I start Boo-ing when it comes on. What stupid idiots! Is it supposed to be a joke? I don't know why I'm so offended but alas I am. Anyone else hate that thing? We should start our own hate club for it! (Please don't be offended, please don't be offended, please don't be offended.)
In the mean time I still need a Beta-reader. Anyone? Anyone at all? Also, I seem to be on a roll so I hope you guys enjoy the new waves of inspiration I'm getting. Sadly, I can only do one-shots. I'm not committed enough to do long fics, really.