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The Idiots: Blind Date!
(Disasters Comin' Back!)
"Quit cryin' yer spikey headed asswipe!" Barret slapped Cloud around the face.
"Oh thank you Barret...needed that!" Cloud simply sniffed.
"Yer been mopin' fer months 'bout how ya can't get a date!" Barret shouted.
"So...-sniff- what do I Barret?"
"D'somethin' 'bout it stupid!" Barret exclaimed, raising his fist to clump Cloud's head with.
This left Cloud with rather a nasty headache, and a huge bump.
Aeris came strolling in hand in hand with Cid.
"What the #$&&£# is wrong with you?" Cid cursed, as if he was speaking in an normal conversation.
"Oh Cid! I can't get a date!" Cloud sniffed, blowing his nose. He then raised an eyebrow. "What's with you two?"
"Oh! You see! Me and Cid are being sponsored for a "pretending to be a couple" for charity! Isn't that somethin'?" she chirped merrily, looking at a blushing Cid.
"I can't believe I let ya talk me into this! People are gonna think...y'know!"
"Oh Cid! Just because in other fanfictions that we got drunk and made out, and that I dressed as Vincent and kissed you, doesn't mean we're going out!" Aeris said cheerfully.
Nush -author of "The Idiots" series- waltzed in, throwing an amused glance at Cid and Aeris. "Coulda fooled me guys!" she chirped, throwing a bunch of flowers and glitter on them. "Hehehehe!" and with that odd cameo appearence, she vanished into thin air.
"What the hell was that?" Aeris raised an eyebrow.
"Damn bitch!" Cid muttered. "I actually did thought the author was gonna make us a couple..."
"Huh?"
"Nothin'." hissed Cid, puffing at his cigarette.
Cloud sobbed. "GUYS! Way to rub it into my face!" he bawled repeatedly, causing an awkward glance between Aeris and Cid.
Cid smacked Cloud in the face. "Getta hold of yourself!"
Aeris nodded. "Cid is right! We're gonna sign you up at that "Midgar Blind Dates" show!"
"WHAT? C'mon I am not that desperate!" Cloud protested.
Barret came back with the "Midgar Blind Dates" forms. "Yo' spikey headed ass screams desperation m'fo!" he barked.
Cloud was defeated. He was going to be on that show. And that was that!
Days passed, it was now Saturday night. Cloud was backstage with Cait Sith, Red XIII, Hojo, Dio and...BUGENHAGEN?
"Bugenhagen? What are you doin' here?" gasped Cloud.
"Hohoho! I have come to seek a lady with the most intelligence possible, she should be one with the Planet, one with the world and one with me!" Bugenhagen announced with utmost passion.
"Grandpa...aren't you a little too old for these cheesy dating shows?" Red XIII said.
"HOHOHOHO! Old? I am only 121 Nanaki!" Bugenhagen chuckled. (I think he is 121?)
"Red? Cait Sith? You lookin' for dates too?"
Cait Sith sniffed. "I asked Aeris to go the Shin-Ra picnic with lil' o' me. She said "I would never go out with a bastard spy like lil' o' me". I asked Yuffie, but she's tryin' to win ya affections Cloud. I DID not bother askin' Tifa, she hit on me like a hog on water! I was so desperate I even asked Dio and..." he wabbled on.
Cloud yawned, uninterested. "How 'bout you Red?"
"I'm just here for Grandpa, he's been really...well...you-know-what lately." Red XIII shook his head.
"No I don't know what." Cloud said. Red XIII whispered to Cloud, who winced.
"OH! EW!" Cloud squeaked horrifed. "I didn't wanna know THAT part!"
Hojo cackled eerily. "I shall have all the women on this planet! Bwhahahahahaha!"
Dio launched upright, stunned. "WOMEN?" he ran out of the backstage screaming.
The backstage manager popped her head around the door. "Cloud? Cloud Strife? Get yo' ass on stage now!"
Meanwhile back at Aeris' home, Cid, Aeris, Barret, Yuffie and Marlene were sitting on the couch about to watch "Midgar Blind Dates" on the television.
"Ohmigawd!" Yuffie stared at the television wide-eyed. "CLOUD?"
"Yea! We set up his bitch ass and told 'im t'get a date!" Barret said, opening a can of beer.
"But I love Cloud!" Yuffie said, running out the house screaming at the top of her voice. "I LOVE HIM!" she ran off into the distance with her Conformer weapon.
"Geez, what bit her ass?" Cid said, smoking a bus ticket prompting the others to glare at him.
"Daddy! It's Uncle Cloud!" Marlene squealed, bouncing on Barret's knee.
Tifa and Vincent burst into the house, arm in arm. "YOO-HOO!" Tifa waved happily.
Vincent blinked. "Isn't that Cloud on T.V?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU PROMISED CLOUD!" she screamed, before passing out.
Vincent clutched the faint body of Tifa. "NO! Tifa! I was gonna marry you!"
Meanwhile Cloud sat behind a wall puzzled, while three lovely (or ARE theyyyyy?) ladies were waiting on the other side. Don Corneo bounced onto the stage happily with his cue cards.
"Heeeeeellllllllllloooooo Midgar!" he chirped. "Welcome to..."
The audienced answered dully. "Midgar Blind Dates..."
Don was unamused. "I CAN'T HEAR YA!" Scotch, Kotch and some random guards aimed their weapons at the now scared and frenzied audience, one even bawled out that he had pissed himself. Too bad.
"MIDGAR BLIND DATES!"
"That's better!" Don chirped, bouncing around. "It's time to make a date for...Cloud Strife! Now Cloud...where are you from?"
"Aren't you dead? Didn't the Turks kick your fatass?"
Palmer -from the audience- squealed. "Hey-hey! You didn't say fat did ya?"
"Well...The Don has gotta make a livin' somehow! So live and let live?"
"No way!"
"So Cloud where are you from?" Don said, raising his microphone.
"I'm 21 and from Nibelheim...and...I want a woman!" he bawled, banging his head against the wall.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!" the audience said in response to Don's cue card.
"Aaaw! Isn't that sad?" Don said sarastically. "Anyhow! Don't worry Cloud! For we got three lovely chicky-pies behind those walls!"
"Booooooooo!" someone in the audience muttered.
"So Cloud you got your questions ready?"
"Yep!" Cloud nodded. "I'll fire away!"
"I get to say that!" Don frowned. "Fire away Cloud!"
"Hello ladies!" Cloud smiled his most dazzling smile.
"Hi!" they somewhat roared back.
"Okay, question one is...um...where would we go on a date?" Cloud asked, reading from a cue card. "Wait a second! This is the most unoriginal question EVER! Can't I ask my own?"
"NO!" barked Don. "I made those with my heart and soul. All of them!"
"Whatever..." he hissed. "That question goes to number one."
"Well...like...um...uh...welllll...uh...I don't know!"
"Oookay. How about number two?"
"H-hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..."
"...Uh okay! Number three!"
"I'd take you to the most romantic place on Earth..." said the mysterious number three.
Cloud blinked. "Where is that?"
"...Corel Town!"
Cloud was aghast. "Um...cool. Don I made my choice!"
"What? You have not used all your questions!" Don said bouncing in a perplexed manner.
"Yeah...but there's something alluring about the one I wanna pick. I think she's a mysterious beautiful woman, just from her voice..." Cloud nodded, melting in thought.
"Well uh...who's it gonna be?"
"Number two!" he exclaimed happily dancing on his seat. "I have found the ONE!"
"You sadly turned down number one, that was...Lucrecia!" Don said gesturing for Lucrecia to saunter out angrily and slap Cloud around the face. "NO MAN TURNS ME DOWN! Oh and Vincent! You have been cheating on me with that whore haven't you?" she screeched, turning her attention to the cameras.
"Someone get this bitch off stage and lock her in Wall Market! She's a firey one an' I like her!" he beamed, wiggling his butt frenziedly, as Kotch and Scotch dragged a mad Lucrecia offstage.
"And you turned down number three and that was...Scarlet from Shin-Ra!"
Scarlet came charging onto stage, kicking Cloud furiously with her heel. "Kyhahahaha! I hope you're watching Tifa! I'll make your little love interest suffer!"
"And your date is, drum roll please guys!" Don said with the wave of his fat arms. "Your date tonight is...JENOVA!"
"WHAT!" shrieked Cloud in a panic.
"WHAT?" screamed the viewers at home.
"WHAT?" screamed Aeris and company watching this horrific escapade on television.
"WHAT?" came the shrill cry of Yuffie in the audience. "NOOOOOOOO!"
Jenova floated onto stage and with her tentacles, she pulled Cloud into her chest giving him a deadly embrace.
"ROAR!" she chirped affectionately.
"OH MY GOD!" Cloud shouted. "Jenova is the ONE!"
Sephiroth stood up from the audience. "Mother! How could you! You and that puppet shall never be!"
"Cloud is mine! And I have the fanart, love poetry, fanfiction, love shrine, websites and love letters -that I sent you but you never read- to prove it!" Yuffie then threw her Conformer straight at Jenova, causing her to float sluggishly out the way and evade it. Instead it hit Scarlet in the head and she furiously declared war on Yuffie.
Yuffie declared war on Jenova, Sephiroth declared war on Cloud and poor Cloud was left confused in the middle.
"WHAT THE HELL?" exclaimed an audience member. "Go get him Yuffie!" said another. "No Jenova got picked and so she should get him!" The audience broke out into a furious brawl, with broken glasses, condoms, whips and magic.
Jenova and Scarlet started their very own unique bitch slapping contest, while Sephiroth got involved with the audience brawl that was getting ugly. Yuffie gave up at trying to kill Jenova, cursing and muttering audibly.
Cloud bawled. "That was a disaster." He shrugged and looked at Yuffie. "Wanna get a coffee Yuffie?"
"Sure! Away from these godamn idiots is where I wanna be! You didn't notice I was fighting for your affections for months?"
"You were what?" Cloud scratched his head, obliviously.
"Nevermind." Yuffie muttered, linking arms with Cloud exiting the show, escaping the insane brawl that was going on between Scarlet, Sephiroth, the audience and Don.
"Calm down guys!" Don said weakly. "Screw this! I quit this job! I'm gonna find some more brides!"
And with that, he ran away with Kotch and Scotch.
At Aeris' house, the gang were visually stunned at this show. Marlene was asking Barret what "shit" meant, Barret was puzzled about answering that.
"Dude..." Cid said, shocked. "That was some mad shit!"
END