Okay, this was really going to be a one-off, but hey you've convinced me! So here's more!
If Only
Chapter 2 - Reconnection
"Hey."
"Hey."
"You off?" I ask, watching him for a second before looking out into the ambulance bay. The rain hadn't let up for more than a few hours all week, and I was beginning to wonder if a holiday in Florida was something I could afford right now.
"Yeah." His voice is distant, keeping his eyes staring down at his hands. "You?"
"Three hours ago." I smile, it striking me as ironic that the little time I have away from the hospital I seem to spend there anyway. So much for sleep. "How's Kem?"
It's not like I hate the woman, and even if I did I don't think I could after what happened to her and John. But it still feels wrong to ask my ex-boyfriend about his current girlfriend. Why is it different to asking Luka about Sam? My life is a damn soap opera.
"Can we go for a coffee or something?" He asks suddenly, finally turning to me. I look at him surprised, wondering if this means he wants to talk, or just wants some company for a little while.
"Eh... sure. Where to?"
"I know this great little Starbucks place round the corner..." He smiles slightly at his own teasing, knowing I hate the place. There's something about overpriced coffee and students that just doesn't gel well with me.
"Well have fun." I smirk back, making a move to walk away.
He grasps my arm gently, standing up to face me. "How about the diner down the street?"
"My treat." I insist, hoping he'll accept my offer without argument. I'm not great with owing people money, it makes me uncomfortable around them, and I was going to pay Carter back for my tuition fees.
"Guess I'll have the lobster then." He smiles again, a half-hearted semi-smile that I'm never the less pleased to see. I wonder if it means he's moving on with his life, getting past the pain of losing his son.
"I wouldn't recommend it. Not from here anyway." I tell him, following him through the doors as he holds one open for me. Gentleman 'til the end, that's Carter.
The waitress comes over to us, and I'm surprised when Carter orders a cheeseburger and fries. Obviously it wasn't going to be the quick 'coffee and pie' incident I thought it was. Not that I mind, what with Susan spending all her time with Chuck and the baby and Sam spending all her time with Luka, I'm short a few friends. I order apple pie and a coffee, catching John's small smile that I haven't changed my eating habits.
"I don't think I can come in here anymore without ordering apple pie." I clarify for him, pulling both hands through the length of my long hair, resolving not to wear it down for work again. It was amazing how many toddlers thought long hair was akin to something worth tugging.
"Some things don't change then."
"Not when it comes to desserts." I answer, trying to stray away from the serious implications of his words. I don't think I could handle a fight right now, and I know he's not going to feel better for one either.
He stares at me, making me uncomfortable under his gaze. I can't work out what he's thinking, not that I ever have been able to, but right now I really have no idea where his thoughts are.
"I miss you."
Wow.
"What?" I ask, slight annoyance crossing my face. I have absolutely no idea where he's taking this, and I'm not entirely sure I want to know.
"I miss you. Spending time with you. Talking...like this." He's still staring at me, his face completely serious.
"If you wanted to talk, Carter, you should have just asked." I chide him softly, thinking back over the last month to make sure there wasn't a time I turned down an offer of coffee or anything else from him.
"Kem... she left last week. Went back to Africa."
Now I feel bad. I should've asked how things were more often than I did. "Oh John, I'm sorry."
He shrugged his shoulders with a non-committal expression, staring at his hands resting on the table. "Not your fault."
I had no idea what to say, his stance and tone giving no clues as to how he felt about her leaving. Thankfully I was saved from continuing as the waitress brought our order over.
I watch as John picks at his meal, only eating the odd chip here and there. I take a piece of my apple pie, the silence becoming deafening.
"You want some?" I ask, offering my fork to him. It seems to break him out of his reverie, looking up with the same slight smile I keep provoking. I suddenly wish I could say something to make him laugh, to see a genuine smile for a second or two.
He shakes his head, sweeping his gaze back to his meal. I try to watch him subtly, before deciding that he wanted to talk and my speciality was getting straight to the point.
"Is she coming back?" I ask gently, not quite looking him in the eyes.
He shakes his head again.
I sigh, wondering who left whom, as it were.
"It's for the best. We seem to be incompatible after all."
I recognise his trivialising of the situation, one of his usual coping tactics.
"How's your family?" He inquires, seemingly genuinely interested.
"Mum's really good. Eric's coping. I think he knows he has to stay on his meds, having Maggie as an example taught him that." I reply, still not accustomed to the sense of pride I feel at my mother's new attitude to life.
"I'm really glad to hear that." He smiles.
"Have you seen your parents recently?" I venture, aware that his father had been there that morning at the hospital.
"Yeah, my dad's been around for a while. Mum's in Europe."
I nod absently, wondering what on Earth his mother was doing in Europe when she should be with Carter.
"I sold the house."
I look at him curiously. "Your grandmother's house?"
"Not so much sold. Donated."
"To what?"
"Medical research." He says it almost proudly, a familiar embarrassed smile crossing his face. "I took your advice."
"My advice?"
"You told me I should change the boards priorities if I didn't like them." He reminded her.
I smile, wondering why I feel so pleased he even remembered me saying that. "Well if I knew you'd take my advice I would've suggested a chocolate factory."
He looks at me questioningly. "That sells coffee?"
"No. That's on tap. Or you can save time and eat the coffee flavoured chocolate." I tell him instantly, enjoying the familiar banter I've missed over the past year.
"You've thought this through, haven't you?"
"Of course. I have goals you know."
My heart leaps as he laughs. A genuine laugh that makes his brown eyes sparkle.
"Wow. A chocolate factory. Wish I'd come up with that."
"Chicago would never be the same." I say dramatically.
He pushes his plate away from him, all of a sudden standing up and holding his hand out to me. "Come on."
I glance from his outstretched hand to his face as he watches me intently. "Where are we going?"
"I'll show you."
I take his hand as he pulls me up, going to fetch our jackets while I pay for our meals at the counter. As I step outside I notice the rain has stopped, the clouds a puffy white instead of the dull grey they'd been all week. Carter walks by my side, his hand on my back, guiding me towards the river. It strikes me I've not been down here since that day I told Luka I'd made some decisions about my life. In some ways this sidewalk by the river feels like a private place for the two of us, Carter and I, which is strange considering I'd been here with many different people from the ER.
"I just wanted to look out on the river." I watch as he props his arms up on the railing, leaning over to stare out at the water. "Feels like years since I came out here on all my coffee breaks." He takes a deep breath and turns to me. "Sometimes I wish I had never left, you know."
The honesty of that confession registered slowly, but I wasn't sure what context he had meant it to be in. "Carter, I don't think- "
"I was wrong. The way I left you… it was cruel and I hate myself for it- "
"It wasn't like I gave you much choice." I interrupt him. I'd been thinking about all this since my psych rotation when my patient with the conversion disorder made me admit I can never follow through. I think until I said it, I never really believed it. But it was Carter I'd had in mind when I admitted it to her, which Jordan had obviously spotted, asking if I meant I could never follow through with men.
"I promised I wouldn't leave you, and I did. We were both having problems and I just… ran away."
"Carter, stop it. It's not worth- "
He cut me off as he kissed me. A furious, hungry kiss that left me breathless as I pushed him away. I try to ignore the feelings of wanting to kiss him back, knowing its not what he needs right now.
"I should never have left you." He says again, sliding his arms around my waist and pulling my body to him again. I push his shoulders away from me to stop his lips meeting mine, trying to step back out of his embrace.
"Carter, you don't want this. It's not me you want. Talk to me."
He pulls back with a sigh, looking miserable. His hand reaches up to stroke my face, grasping a long stand of hair and pushing it from my face as I stare at him in confusion.
"I'm sorry, Abby."