If Only
Chapter 3 - Invitations
It was exactly two months since that incident with Carter. I remember because it was the night I had to go back in to the hospital, eventually pulling a 34 hour shift with very little sleep. One of those strange things that sticks in your mind, subconsciously keeping score of the longest shift I'd managed yet.
Of course Carter kissing me, apologising and walking away has stayed with me as well. I wanted him to talk about it, and I'd tried many times to strike up conversation. Whenever we did talk, he made sure it was short and impersonal. I strip off the trauma gown I'm wearing, heaving a sigh at finally being able to get home. Better yet, I have the next two days off. I enter the lounge to see Susan sitting at the table, sipping a large coffee.
"Hey, there."
"Hey. How's the baby?" I ask, smiling when she rolls her eyes.
"She's fine, not that she seems to think so. Spending half the night screaming is her idea of fun. I swear she laughs at me when I tell her she should sleep."
"It didn't tell you that in the mum-to-be book?"
She smirks at me. "So anyway, I hear you get the next few days off? Who's sweeping you off your feet this time?"
I give her a glare, before feigning excitement. "Frank's taking me to the game tomorrow, I can't wait."
"I hope you're kidding."
"Oh no, Susan. It's been going on for months."
She gives me one of her unimpressed looks, throwing the empty paper cup in the bin as she stood. "So what are you going to do?"
"I haven't decided yet. I don't think I wanted to plan anything in case I jinxed it."
"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."
I turned back to my open locker, placing my stethoscope on the shelf. Carter suddenly comes in through the door, dressed in black tie and looking flustered.
"Looking good, Carter." Susan tells him as she passes him on the way out the door.
"Thanks." He calls back with a smile, turning to where I'm standing. "Hey."
"Where you off to?" I ask, wondering what he's doing at the hospital. He left four hours ago and wasn't due back 'til tomorrow.
Not that I know his schedule.
"Fundraiser. I want to open a clinic not far from here." He tells me, not meeting my eyes. "I left some of the papers here after my shift."
"Still no luck with the chocolate factory then, huh?" I smile, hoping he'll relax a bit.
He grasps some papers from his locker, going to sit down at the table where Susan had been. I begin to think he's ignoring me. He's been more like his old self the last few weeks, laughing a little more often, even cracking a few jokes.
Except around me.
Around me it's forced, only there because he has to be. And if I'm honest I'm not entirely sure why. I slam my locker closed a more forcefully than I needed to, surprised I care enough to be hurt at his attitude towards me. I pull my bag over my shoulder and head for the door, glancing briefly in his direction. His head is down, checking over something on the documents he's reading through.
I wave to Susan who was standing at admin on my way out. I step out of triage and the cold hits me, making me glad of my thick coat and scarf. I'm nearly out of the ambulance bay when a shout stops me.
"Abby!"
I turn to see Carter moving quickly towards me, pulling his jacket closer around his body.
"Hi." I don't manage to disguise my surprise, but then he did just ignore me completely no less than three minutes ago.
He stands in front of me, looking as thought he wants to say something but doesn't know how, or maybe if he should.
"What's wrong?" I ask, shivering as the cold suddenly registers. I idly hope its not going to snow on my precious few days away from work, of course it probably will, because my luck just isn't what it should be.
"I just wanted to apologise again. The way I've been acting... I just don't know what to say to you."
"Carter- "
"No, I don't mean it like... When we were down by the river that night, I'm sorry I did that."
"It's okay, Carter. You were upset- "
"No, Abby. Listen." He takes a breath and I realise he's trying to say more than he's comfortable with. "That night... I don't want you to think- "
He stops, looking helplessly at me.
"Forget it." I say gently, brushing his arm with a smile.
"Can we talk about this some time? Over coffee or something?" He asked tentatively, obviously expecting me to decline.
"Sure. Whenever you're ready."
He gives me a relieved smile, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder, before looking at his watch.
"Right I better go."
I raise my hand in a silent goodbye as he rushes away, turning to walk in the other direction.
I manage a few steps before another shout stops me again, turning to see Carter standing a few feet from the customary black limo waiting for him.
"Hey Abby! You need a ride?"
I smile wryly, wondering how he could make a limo ride sound like a bus journey.
"Come on! It's too cold to wait for the El!"
I turn to look up the street that lead to the El, shivered again and gave in.
"You sure I'm not going to make you late for your party?" I enquired as he helped me into the car, his hand holding mine a second longer than he needed to.
"I don't think anyone will mind."
We sit in silence and I use the opportunity to watch him subtly as he stares out the window.
"How much are you hoping to raise?"
"Ten to fifteen."
"Thousand?"
He looks at me, a slight smile on his face as I realise how stupid that question was.
"Million." He clarifies for me.
I make an 'oh' sound and turn slightly to look out the window.
"Got plans tonight?"
I shift my gaze back to his. "Not really. I'm thinking pizza and a movie, or maybe just rearranging my sock drawer."
He smiles at me, as if I'd made a joke. "I never did do that for you."
I frown in confusion, unsure what he's talking about. I feel the car stop and realise with a glance out the window that we're outside my apartment.
"Thanks for the lift, Carter. Definitely beats waiting around on the El platform."
"Abby," he says just before I leave the car. "You don't want to join me tonight, do you? It'd be nice to have a friendly face and my Dad can't be there."
If I hadn't seen the imploring look on his face I would've been able to say no. I really would have. It was right on the tip of my tongue. But it was the first time in months he'd actually wanted to spend more than two minutes with me and I'd promised myself I wouldn't decline anytime he wanted to talk.
"Sure. Give me ten minutes."