If Only

Chapter 4 - Arguments

It felt like I'd taken a step back in time, back to three years ago when I had to change into that horrible bridesmaids dress, Carter having conveniently forgotten to tell me it was a black tie event. Only this time I at least had a dress I could wear.

"Carter?" I call when I don't see him.

"Yeah, in here." I find him in the kitchen, helping himself to a glass of water.

"This okay?" I ask, pulling at the skirt of my deep purple dress. It was the first time I'd had the chance to wear it, having bought it for one the events we were supposed to be going to when I was with Carter. Suffice to say it felt a little strange wearing it for the same reason only under very different circumstances. Silver clips on either side of my head pulled segments of blonde-highlighted hair away from my face, which I hoped would be enough to look at least like I fitted in.

He looks at me, not saying anything for a second as he takes in my appearance. "Yeah…you look…" He clears his throat, averting his eyes and looking embarrassed again. "We better get going."

As I sit in the limo nervously playing with the beaded spaghetti straps on my dress, I try to work out if this was such a good idea. I can see Carter glancing at me every few minutes, and every time I turn my head to meet his eyes, he'll smile and look away.

"You nervous?" I ask him, wondering how big a part he plays in tonight's event.

"Actually I only need to be there because I organised the fundraiser. You know, make an appearance and shake a few hands." He says it with his usual disdainful tone that I recognise whenever he's talking about his family's money or the society events linked to them.

"You mean no television appearances? That's terrible, Carter." I smile to assure him I'm teasing, and he rewards me with a smile in return.

"I figure the film cameos I have next week will be enough for now."

"Really? I always thought of you as an eligible bachelor of the soap world."

He looks straight at me then, an amused smile playing on his lips. "I couldn't get away with being James Bond then?"

I roll my eyes, at a loss as to why the male population thought 007 was such a great character. "You're a walking cliché, Carter."

The car slides to a stop and Carter takes my hand to help me out of the vehicle. We're met with an entourage of flashing cameras and various other well-dressed guests as we walk towards the entrance, his hand still grasping mine firmly. As we reach the relative haven of the large hall, I see him look around as if searching for someone.

"My father should be around here somewhere." He tells me by way of explanation. Seemly spotting him, Carter guides me through the large crowds towards the grey haired man who bears a resemblance to Carter. I only met his father a few times when we were dating, but I always got the impression I wasn't his idea of a good match for John.

"John! We were beginning to wonder if you'd ever appear." The older man greets his son warmly, breaking away from a conversation with a group of people to our left. He glances at me, obviously noticing our entwined fingers and I feel a blush creep up my face. What have I got myself in to?

"Yeah, sorry about that. You remember Dr Lockheart, don't you Dad?" Carter offers me a teasing smile.

"Doctor? Congratulations, Abby." Mr. Carter shakes my hand – the one that isn't imprisoned in Carter's, and turns back to his son. I feel a little out of place standing there listening to the Carters talk about things I will never really know anything about. I wait for a break in the conversation and tell Carter that I'm just going outside for a few minutes.

The cold evening sooths my headache a little when I finally manage to navigate the crowds enough to reach the exit doors. I sit on the large stonewall connected to the steps leading up to the hall, watching the various couples coming and going. I feel a tinge of pride as I realised it hadn't even crossed my mind to light up a cigarette whilst I was out here. Turns out hypnosis really works for me. Who would have thought it?

I pull my wrap tighter around my shoulders, knowing I should go back inside, but content to watch the comings and goings a little while longer.

"Hey."

I jump at John's voice as he suddenly appears next to me.

"You okay?" He asks gently, making me smile at him.

"Yeah. Just a headache."  I answer honestly.

"I thought you came out here for a cigarette."

"I don't smoke." I tell him, the sense of pride heightening when he looks at me in surprise. "Have you made the money you needed?"

He nods. "I think so. You want to take a walk?"

I'm not sure if he's saying it because he wants to leave or because he thinks I do. "You're gonna ditch your dad?"

"I'll see him later. No one will even notice I'm not there."

"I'm sure that's not true." I stand up and he insists on giving me his jacket when he sees me shiver again.

"Thanks for coming, Abby. It really…after everything- "

"It's my pleasure. You saved me from a night of channel surfing."

His mouth quirked upwards at that. "I'm not keeping you from Fear Factor, am I?"

"It's okay, I'm taping it." I deadpan; looking around at the well-lit park we're walking through, where several other of the fundraiser's guests seem to be strolling.

Carter stopped walking suddenly, placing himself in front of me, a serious expression adorning his handsome face. "Listen, Abby. What I was trying to say earlier, outside the hospital…I'm sorry I've not spoken to you, that we haven't talked. That day, when we were by the river- "

"Carter, you don't have to- "

"No, Abby. You don't understand. That day, when I kissed you, I know you think I was kissing you in place of someone else, but- "

"Carter- "

"Abby, it was you I wanted to kiss. I felt so bad for walking away like that and I know I shouldn't have- "

"It's okay, it's not like I didn't…" I don't finish my sentence, finally breaking the intense eye contact with his brown eyes before I say something I'd rather keep to myself.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's okay." My voice is defensive and I hope he won't press the conversation.

"It's not like you didn't…what, Abby?" His voice is annoyed now, my characteristic backing-off tactic not working very well on him.

"It doesn't matter." I insist forcefully.

"It matters to me. Why can't you be honest with me?"

"I am being honest with you! I told you it doesn't matter."

"What, Abby? What doesn't matter? Tell me!"

"It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what happened! It doesn't matter that you left! It doesn't matter that I still lo- " I stop myself abruptly, looking hard at him as I correct myself. "It doesn't matter."

"Well I see some things don't change." He responds in that sarcastic voice I hate so much when directed at me.

"That's not fair." I lower my voice, wanting to get out of this conversation right now. I'm shocked when I suddenly feel the sting of tears in my eyes.

He sighs, looking around in defeat, obviously wondering whether to continue this argument. "Can't we talk this through?"

"Which part?"

"About what happened to us last year. About what went wrong. I know I was the one who walked away but there was something not working before that."

 "I know Carter! I disappointed you at every turn. I know that. Why do we need to go over this?" Whatever remaining shreds of my temper I still held on to had disappeared at this point.

"Why do you think that? It's not true! I was never disappointed in you. I hated seeing you pulling yourself in so many different directions, and I couldn't do anything to help you!"

"I didn't want your help! I wanted to be a normal girlfriend, not a screw-up with a crazy family who needed saving all the time. I couldn't be that person, and you walked away." I turned to walk away, praying that was the end of it. He came after me, grasping my arm none-too-gently.

"Abby, you were only ever screwed up in your own mind. You blamed yourself for all of it and everything that happened got to be too much for us."

I look at him angrily, not understanding why we're even having this conversation. "I know that, Carter!"

"But it was as much my fault as yours. We both gave up."

"Carter, why are we even discussing this?" I pull John's jacket closer around me, shooting him a weary glare.

"Abby…" He stares at me, looking as though he wants to confess the real reason for going through all that, then changes his mind. "Okay, lets go back inside."

I'm amazed when he holds his hand out to me, clasping mine as we walk back to the hall in silence.