If Only Chapter 7: After All, an er fanfic

Sorry it took me so long to get this up - this chapter is a little different from others because of what I wanted to put into it - I hope it works! I thoroughly recommend the song 'After all' by Cher. Next chapter will bring back the drama don't worry!

If Only

Chapter 7 – After All

Well here we are again,

I guess it must be fate,

We've tried it on our own,

But deep inside we've known,

We'd be back to set things straight.

A soft melody disturbs my sleep; it takes me a minute to identify the sound as the radio switching itself on in the form of an alarm. I roll over to squint at the glowing clock digits on my bedside table, my movement restricted by the strong arm locked around my waist. He stirs slightly next to me, making protesting noises at my pulling away from him. I relent, letting him pull me back into his embrace, his left hand immediately supporting the back of my head, drifting over the length of my hair idly. The reason I'm reluctant to get up this morning – aside from having John Carter in my bed, is partly because it will signify the end of our weekend together. The lovely bubble I've been living in for 48 hours, where nothing can come between us, no one has to know that we were together, and all possible consequences can be ignored, is about to burst as soon as I leave my apartment for the hospital.

I still remember when,

Your kiss was so brand new,

Every memory repeats,

Every step I take retreats,

Every journey always,

Brings me back to you.

He moves his mouth against my hairline, pressing tiny kisses there to indicate his wakefulness. Despite my happy smile, I have this nagging feeling at the far recesses of my mind that remind me I shouldn't let myself feel so much yet. I could be setting myself up to get hurt all over again; the reasons why he wants me are still a mystery to me, and now there's the added doubt that he only wants to replace what he lost five months ago. My smile has disappeared as my body tenses, an intoxicating feeling of dread at the impending hurt hitting me like a tidal wave.

After all the stops and starts,

We keep coming back to these two hearts.

The overwhelming feelings start to dissipate as I feel his hand rubbing gently along my side, trying to ease the tension he can sense from me. He shifts his head, pressing kisses down my forehead and over my nose, before finally meeting my lips. I return the kiss, my heart desperately wanting some assurance that I'm not walking into an impossible situation with no good foreseeable outcome. We have so much emotional baggage between us; I wonder if this is completely wrong for us both. I pull away, burying my head in his shoulder and slipping my arms around his waist. His head rests gently on mine, and I can feel the stubble from his unshaven face prickle my forehead. His hand is drawing circles across my spine at the small of my back, and I feel him smile again my hair.

"I love you."

It's a whisper, almost as if he's realising it himself and I'm not really here.

After all that we've been through,

It all comes down to me and you,

I guess it's meant to be,

Forever you and me,

After all.

His arms tighten around me and he presses a kiss to my head.

"I love you, Abby."

This time the words are spoken in a confident, sincere tone. I know I don't have to respond, and I know he doesn't expect that I would. I pull back so I can look him in the eyes, leaning in to kiss him gently on the mouth. He watches me with a content smile for a moment as he smoothes loose tendrils of my hair back from my face, and I send him my questioning smile in return. Carter has changed so much, been through so much in his life, yet he's still the same loving, caring best friend I got to know after our chance meeting at AA all those years ago. He's gently combing a hand through blonde tresses, spreading a wave of blonde across my abandoned pillow.

When love is truly right,

This time it's truly right,

It lives from year to year,

It changes as it grows,

But oh the way it grows,

And it never disappears.

I grin, my heavy thoughts lifting as I realise the radio isn't the only sound in the room.

"Are you humming?" I ask in a teasing voice.

He looks at me, an indignant look on his face that confirms my suspicion.

"Do you sing too?"

"Not as well as you."

"Well, that goes without saying." I laugh at his disbelieving expression, and then start to make a move from the warmth of his arms, but he holds on. "We should get up." I insist, but he refuses to relinquish his grasp.

"It's still early."

"Maybe for you." I steal a lingering kiss before making a dash for the bathroom, taking note of having exactly an hour and twenty minutes to be at the hospital.

Always just beyond my touch,

Though I needed you so much,

After all…what else is living for.

Maybe it doesn't have to be difficult, I muse as I switch the shower on. Maybe we can be happy together. I adjust the temperature of the water - Carter having always preferred cooler showers than I do meant it hadn't been left how I like it, and for some perverse reason it felt nice to have to regress back to switching back and forth again. If I love him, and he loves me, why does it need to be difficult? We know each other as no one else does, we understand each other's pasts, and unfortunately we both have the power to hurt the other immensely if we screw up.

But I won't.

I won't destroy this.

I won't give up on this.

I can't.

Not again.