I know its been ages, but for some reason I have the Carby vibe back! The next chapter will be along quickly I promise cos I actually have it planned already! Lol. Hope you're still reading! Oh, and I don't have a beta and its nearly 4AM so I hope the wording is ok! :oS

If Only

Chapter 9 - Misconception

I look to Susan in confusion, hoping she maybe has some insight into why my… friend? Boyfriend? ex?… Why Carter has just scampered away faster than I could blink. She shakes her blonde head, a concerned frown creasing her forehead as she reaches for the baby in my arms.

I walk quickly in the direction he went, but a busy hospital is the best place I know to get lost in, voluntarily or not. I check all the exam rooms first, but he should have finished his shift about thirty minutes ago and I wonder if he's left already. Weaver caught me as I headed out to the ambulance bay and the car park beyond it, complaining I hadn't passed on any of my patients yet. Without stopping I call over my shoulder that I'll be right back.

John's jeep is there in the parking lot, exactly where it was when we left it there this morning. I sign wearily and rest back against the bonnet of the vehicle. I decide to go back into the ER officially finish my shift, hoping Carter will show up by the time I'm done.

Forty-five minutes go by due to Morris being late for his shift, before I finally manage to escape the pull of the hospital. Still no sign of Carter, and I can't help thinking that the lovely bubble we had this weekend has well and truly burst. I rub my eyes with the palm of my right hand, feeling tired. Not wanting to go home to an empty apartment just yet, I move to the lifts, intent on feeling the wind on my face and the surreal calm I can only find on the roof of this hospital.

It's a cold night, a chill in the air that could mean snow, but the sky is clear and there are a few stars above the Chicago skyline. I pull my scarf closer to my neck; the wintry wind pulls tendrils of my hair out of its French twist and blows them around my face.

"Hey."

I jump visibly at the voice a few meters away from me, wondering how I could have missed another person on the roof already. I turn to see Carter, bundled up in his coat and looking frozen.

"You look cold."

He graces me with a half smile before turning his head back to look up into the night.

"Are you okay?"

"Abby," He looks at me with that sadness I haven't seen on his face for a few months now, and I know what he's going to say. "I want to be alone for a while, okay? I just… I can't be around you right now."

I can't help but stare at him in surprise. His gentle tone did nothing to soften the words, and the crushing realisation that I'd let myself get hurt by the same man a second time settled over me. Only this time he isn't even going to explain it. How did we arrive at work together this morning, make dinner plans for tonight and then he does this twelve hours later?

"Okay." My voice isn't as strong as it should be and I hate myself for it, swiping a hand across one eye as hot tears sting my eyes. "Fine."

He calls my name once, but I don't slow my pace. All I want to do now is go home and forget the last four days. I'm so angry with myself for letting him in again, when I knew he wasn't ready, or even being sure I was ready. And I'm crying! I don't cry, and I certainly don't when there are other people around. I knew my life was going too smoothly, so of course I have to make a big mistake to make up for it.

When I finally get home, I run a bath and shut myself away from the world for as long as possible. Then I tidied the whole apartment, and once I ran out of things to do I eventually sat on the sofa and read a medical journal.

A buzzing sound woke me, as I realised I'd fallen asleep, journal still open in front of me. My groggy mind at last placed the buzzing as someone wanting to get in, and I sighed as I got up to see whom it was. Before I reached the phone, there was a knocking on my door.

"Abby?" A male voice called.

My heart sank.

Carter.

He knocked again, and I gave in, knowing he wouldn't leave until I'd answered the door.

"What do you want, Carter?"

I folded my arms across my chest and tried to look disinterested. His brown eyes scanned me as if checking it was really me, then he ran a hand through his wind-swept hair.

"You weren't answering your phone."

"That's because it's off the hook." I shoot back.

"I was worried something- " His eyes try to capture mine, but I refuse to look at him.

"What do you want, Carter?" I ask again, my voice cold.

"I wanted to explain." He reaches forward to touch me and I move back quickly, feeling my temper returning.

"You made yourself clear. You don't want to be around me, and that's fine. So leave." I circle around him and pull the door open.

His hurt expression would've made me reconsider had I not been so angry with both him and myself. "Abby-"

"Look, Carter. You can't expect me to listen to you tell me why you don't want me in your life all over again, I get it. It'll make you feel better but it sure as hell won't do the same for me." I can feel my throat tighten as my eyes threaten to water; angry tears ready to fall.

"Abby, listen you've- "

"Please just go!" I'm nearly yelling and he looks upset for a minute before nodding.

He moved into the doorway, turning back to look at me. "Abby, you misunderstood me before. It's-"

The expression on my face tells him not to bother, and I watch as he sighs. "I'm sorry, Abby."

I shut the door behind him, leaning back against it and sliding down to sit on the floor. I feel so empty, a desperate feeling of wanting to do something to stop myself feeling like this settling around my shoulders. I knew this would happen. I knew it wouldn't be different this time. And I did it anyway. I pull my legs up and hug my knees, hot tears finally falling.