If Only

Chapter 10 - Justification

I'm in at five the following morning, and although I seriously consider calling in sick, I find myself riding the El at four thirty. I know Carter will be on from eight, and I really don't want a confrontation at the hospital, so I figure if I take on as many patients as I can I should be too busy to stop for very long.

I stand up as the train slows and slides into my stop, readjusting my bag over my shoulder and making my way towards the exit. I buy a coffee to take into the E.R. with me, an anxious feeling plaguing me as I mentally count down how many hours I have left before my shift crosses with Carter's. Luka is standing at admin as I walk in, gracing me with a smile as I place my coffee cup on the desk in front of him.

"It's too early to be here." I complain good-naturedly.

"At least its quiet." He replies, handing over three charts and explaining the follow-ups they each needed. "Have fun." I hear his quiet chuckle at my disbelieving stare as he shrugs on his dark jacket and heads for the doors.

I run into Susan a little while later, who of course wanted to know what happened with Carter. I tell her I don't want to talk about it; making a quick escape by saying I needed to check on a patients labs. As much as I tried not to, I couldn't help but check the time every ten minutes or so, which is how I knew it was nearly seven when a trauma came in. A pregnant woman who'd fallen at the supermarket and was now in labour, thankfully she was two weeks off being full term. The EMTs were concerned as she was in and out of consciousness due to hitting her head when she fell. As I accepted the trauma, it was me who eventually took her upstairs to the O.B ward, and was there for nearly two hours due to complications with the labour and the overstretched O.B ward.

Several nurses greeted me as I returned to the E.R with warnings that Weaver was on the warpath and looking for me. I rolled my eyes and headed straight for the lounge; if I was already in trouble another five minutes for a coffee couldn't hurt. As I waited for the water to boil, I stood and watched through one of the windows looking out on the ambulance bay, noticing the tiny flakes of snow falling from the sky.

"Hey." I hear Carter's voice from behind me, surprising me, as I didn't even hear the door open. "You know Weaver's looking for you."

I avoid looking at him, grasping the kettle and pouring the scalding liquid into a cup. "Yeah, thanks."

"Is there enough for two there?"

I nod, my gaze fixed on my hand stirring the spoon in the coffee as I feel his eyes on me. I sense him moving towards me to make himself a drink and I instinctively move in the opposite direction, around the table and chairs and headed for the door, cup in hand.

"Abby." He moves fast enough to block my exit, forcing me to look at him. He's wearing a black V-neck jumper that he knows was always my favourite when we were dating, and I wonder if he's wearing it on purpose or if he even remembers. I try to hate him for looking as good as he does today, but I hate myself more for noticing. "You've got what happened yesterday all wrong, I- "

"Not here, Carter."

"Can I come by your place after my shift? I'm off at seven. Just hear me out and I'll leave, okay?"

"I have patients to get back to." I tell him, moving around him and heading out the door before he can reply.

I manage the rest of my shift without running into Carter for more than a few minutes, and finally leave before Weaver can find me. Of course half-way home my luck rears its ugly head as the El train breaks down, causing all of us on there to have to wait for half an hour before it got going again. I stop for groceries on the way back to my apartment and by the time I finally reach it I just want to crawl into bed, leaving the day as far behind me as possible. As I struggle with the assortment of bags and try to find my keys, I catch sight of Carter turning the corner and coming towards me.

"Some people would call this stalking, Carter." I fumble with the keys in my hand, nearly dropping everything. At the last second Carter grabs a hold of my arms to rebalance me, taking one of the bags of groceries, freeing my hand to unlock my door. He follows me inside, and I let us both into my apartment, resigned to the fact he won't leave me alone until he's said whatever it is he needs to say.

"I brought fish and chips." He offers with a pleasant smile, holding up the familiar bag from Brenen's.

I roll my eyes, not quite believing what I'm seeing. "Why are you here?"

He sighs, placing the groceries and the meal on my kitchen table before stepping towards me. "What happened yesterday… it was a mistake. What I said, I didn't mean it like it sounded."

"Was that when you said you loved me, or when you said you couldn't bear to be around me?" I ask angrily.

"Abby," He breathes as he moves towards me.

"No, Carter!" I move around to the other side of the room and face him. "You want to explain why you don't want to be with me, go ahead. But don't expect it to make any difference to me."

He took a deep breath. "When I said that, I didn't mean what you think. I only wanted a couple of hours to get my head straight."

I stare at him, my disbelief obvious on my face.

"Honestly, Abby, that's the truth. I saw you with the baby and… it was… it just brought back memories. I never meant I didn't want to be with you." He's moving towards me again, sincerity etched into his features.

I really have no idea what to say to him, or any idea how I should feel about this. When I finally find my voice, I can't stop myself from stating the flaw in his explanation. "You said you didn't want to be around me, Carter. It sounded pretty final to me."

"I said I couldn't be around you right now, not that I didn't want to. I needed to be on my own for a while, and I didn't explain myself." He watches me intently, is voice soft and his earnest expression gauging whether I believe him or not. "I never thought you'd think I was ending this, Abby."

"You'd do it at some point anyway." I snap furiously, locking my eyes to his in a challenge.

His face flashes with hurt, before hardening to irritation. "That's not fair."

"Yes, it is, Carter. We both know it's not me you want to be with, and I don't know if you feel guilty or if you just want company or what it is, but-"

"God, Abby! Why do you have to be so stubborn? What do I have to do to convince you?"

He's nearly yelling now, but I'm in full-blown self-protection mode. "All relationships fail, Carter. At some point one person lets the other down and erodes away the friendship, or the trust, or the love they share. And piece-by-piece they fall apart. I can't do that anymore, it's-"

I barely catch his movement out of the corner of my eye before he's pressed me up against the wall, his gentle hands either side of my face as his mouth descends on mine impatiently. It's at least a minute before my brain kicks in again, and I push him away.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask, my shaking slightly.

That apparently wasn't the reaction he was hoping for, the mix of surprise and frustration evident from his expression. "I'm trying to get through to you, Abby."