Defending

by David Dee

Set in DB Sommer's "Avenging" universe. The world's strangest sort-of team of kind of superheroes is not really gathered, under the quasi- leadership of Dr. Strange aka Hikaru Gosunkugi . With so many parentheses, it has to be good!

2. Satan Met a Lady: Lady Met a Warlock

Ishi Takashi, when introduced to attractive women at parties, usually gave his profession as "monetary distribution agent".

This was a fancy way of saying "thief", which is precisely what he was. However, one generally doesn't say that to people at parties, especially when one is trying to get into their pants.

Of course, Ishi had other reasons not to state his real profession—he wasn't very good at it, for one. For example, just last week, while robbing a bank in Kyoto, he'd miscalculated the night watchman's schedule, and had been spotted at the very beginning of the job. He'd been forced to run with what little money he had already gotten, which turned out to be only 5000 yen. Even worse, the bank had turned out to be yakuza owned, and so soon he was on the run not only from the law, but from a group of very large, menacing men, most of whom had chopped off their own pinky fingers at some point or another, and were thus eager to share the experience.

Ishi had made the very sane decision to leave Kyoto for Tokyo, but had blown most of his haul doing this, and so now was in dire straits. Lacking the resources for a big job, and not wanting to draw to much attention to himself, he was now reduced to petty stick-ups.

Such as the young couple he was presently holding at gunpoint. The pair stared at Ishi in shock, since they, like many young people, thought of crime as something that happened to other people, usually in other cities, or even landmasses.

"Just hand me the money," Ishi explained, in a slow, calm voice. "There's no need to try anything heroic."

That was when the arrow shot past, inches away from his face, and buried itself in the wall behind him. "There's ALWAYS a need to try something heroic!" shouted a clear, high female voice. Ishi turned.

She stood there, silhouetted in the lamplight. She wasn't very tall, and looked to be quite young. She wore a yellow jumpsuit, with a blue cowl with cat's ears, her long black hair flowing behind her. A bow was in her hand, arrows held in a quiver tied around her waist.

Ishi gulped. He was definitely not in any condition to take on a superhero.

The girl glanced quickly at the couple. "Just get away! I'll take care of this crook. There's no way the likes of him can stand up to the claws of Hellcat—and SON OF SATAN!"

As the couple took her up on her advice, the apparent Hellcat looked eagerly to her side. After roughly a minute, she hissed loudly. "Son of Satan! Don't leave me hanging here…!"

A loud groan emanated from the shadows. "Do I have to do this?"

Hellcat pouted in a rather sulky fashion. "Yes!"

With a long sigh, Son of Satan slouched into view. He was a young man, clad in a rather archaic red kimono that someone had seen fit to scrawl a rather crude pentagram on. He wore no shoes, which was odd—he also had dog-ears, which was odder. Silky white hair hung down to his waist while a samurai sword hung at his side. He regarded Ishi with a look that combined resignation with sheer boredom. "I am Son of Satan," he announced in a dull monotone. "Tremble before my wrath, evildoer."

Hellcat glanced at him reproachingly. "You could at least put some feeling into it."

Son of Satan rolled his eyes, and crossed his arms. "Look, Kagome, I just think this really stupid, is all…"

The girl's eyes went wide. "HEY! We talked about this! It's Hellcat! I have a secret identity to protect!"

"Oh, no!" Son of Satan shouted in mock horror. "Now he knows your one of the million or so girls in Japan called Kagome! Whatever shall we do?"

"Inu-Yasha…" snarled Kagome—then brought her free hand up to her face in shock. "I meant, Son of Satan…"

Ishi felt a sudden sense of relief.

"Oh, wow, you're really stickin' with this 'no names mentioned' rule of yours," laughed Inu-Yasha. "Man, why'd I ever agree to this…?" He began to walk away.

"Hey! Don't you walk out on me!" shouted Kagome. "I'll remind you who's got the upper hand here!"

"Right, right…" muttered Inu-Yasha, walking away.

"Umm, excuse me…" interjected Ishi.

"Oh you keep out of this!" Kagome stated forcibly. "You're not worried, Inu-Yasha? Not worried in the slightest that I'll say, si—"

At that moment, Ishi fired his pistol in the air. "I'd just like to say," he began calmly, as he pointed the pistol at them, "that I really seem to have the tactical advantage here. After all, I'm a man with a gun, while you're a girl with a bow, and a freak with a sword." He smiled at them. "So please hand over all your money."

"That's what you think!" shouted Kagome. With surprising speed and grace, she fit an arrow to her bow, and released it. The arrow sped quickly over Ishi's shoulder, and buried itself in the wall behind him.

Ishi's smile turned into a grin. "Missed."

It was at precisely that moment that the wall behind him exploded, tossing him to the ground, and causing his gun to fall out of his hand and skid away.

"Umm, did I do that?" Kagome asked quietly.

Inu-Yasha gave a slight nod. "Yep."

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Finally, Kagome coughed slightly. "Oops."

Inu-Yasha glanced at her oddly. "That sort of thing never used to bother you."

"I never used to worry about getting sued."

Inu-Yasha gave an understanding nod. "Right. Lawyers. You mentioned them once..." He scratched his chin. "Don't they suck blood, or somethin'?"

Kagome blinked, then thought it over. "More or less."

While the pair chatted, Ishi crept forward to grab his gun.

Unfortunately for him, Inu-Yasha noticed him.

In the amount of time it takes a man to blink then cough, Ishi found himself being hoisted into the air, by a very angry would-be superhero. "You don't learn, do you, creep?"

Ishi gulped. He hadn't noticed it before, but Inu-Yasha had claws. And fangs. And a rather unpleasant glint in his eyes. "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME—I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!"

Inu-Yasha laughed darkly. "Oh, yeah, like you're not goin' to just turn around and try to get us some other way if I let you go…"

"Son of Satan!" chirped Kagome disapprovingly. "You can't kill him!"

Ishi sniffled. Listen to the girl, listen to the girl, god, oh god, listen to the girl…

Inu-Yasha gave a snort. "Save us a lot of trouble."

Kagome raised a finger, and started to admonish him. "Superheroes can't kill people. Not unless the villain has killed somebody, and then they have to make it happen by accident."

Inu-Yasha stared at her, puzzled. "How can you do that?"

"Well, like, you fight on a mountainside, and they pull out a super weapon to beat your weapon, only they misjudge how powerful it is, and the mountainside collapses, burying them in rubble." Kagome explained helpfully.

Inu-Yasha scratched his head. "That seems like a pretty complicated way a handling things…"

A blissful smile appeared on Kagome's face. "It's the way of the superhero, who strongly respects life enough to bludgeon people into unconsciousness, instead of simply killing them."

Inu-Yasha narrowed his eyes. "Right."

Kagome glared at him. "Just take care of the bad guy!"

Inu-Yasha gave a hasty nod. "Sure thing." He raised his fist, and drew back his arm in preparation for a terrific uppercut.

"Hang him up on the fire escape!" shouted Kagome. "The one near the bakery!"

Inu-Yasha sighed, then jogged over to fire escape, and leaped up onto it. He glanced at Ishi. "You trust this suit?"

Ishi gulped. "It's hand-tailored."

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Good." He hung Ishi up on the side of the fire escape, using the jacket as a snag. "Hope you trust your tailor." He leaped away.

Kagome gave a triumphant grin as he came down. "Well, now we just go to a phone booth, and inform the police, and then—this looks like another job well done by—HELLCAT and SON OF SATAN!"

Inu-Yasha gave a slight cough. "You know—this the first time we did this."

Kagome visibly deflated. "Umm—right."

The pair walked off together.

"And it wasn't that well done," added Inu-Yasha.

"Shut up, already!" cried Kagome.

-----

Defending

Chapter 2—"Satan Met a Lady—Lady Met a Warlock"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

By David Dee

-----

Hikaru Gosunkugi stood before the Ancient One on a morning so rainy and dark, it seemed like night.

"Gosunkugi, my pupil—you have done well," began the Ancient One.

"I'll pay, Nabiki, jus' don' hit…" muttered Hikaru.

The Ancient One blinked. Hikaru's comment had nothing to do with his, and unless he was mistaken, Hikaru had not suffered a psychotic break, which could only mean one thing.

A snore confirmed his guess. His apprentice was asleep. Standing up.

The Ancient One snapped his fingers under Hikaru's face. The young man came to with a shout of "struck by lightning" then blinked confused. "Where the hell am I?" he muttered.

"My throne room." replied the Ancient One calmly.

Hikaru gave a dull nod. "Uh-huh. And how did I get here?"

The Ancient One nodded. "I called you, Gosunkugi."

Hikaru nodded again. "I see." He glanced around, slightly tense. "That's right. Sorry. A bit tired is all." He gave a nervous laugh. "Must be that last twenty hour lesson on alternate consciousness…" A rather forced grin came to his face. "So what's up today? Walking on hot coals? Moving through walls? Holding a 100 ton weight over my head through the sheer power of my mind?"

The Ancient One shook his head. "No." He patted Hikaru on the shoulder. "We are not studying today."

Hikaru blinked twice then laughed. "Really? Well, that's great. I'll just be in my quarters recuper—I mean, meditating…"

The Ancient One calmly shook his head. "No, Gosunkugi. Today is not a day of rest and contemplation. Today is a day of endings, and partings. Your lessons are over. I am sending you forth."

The look on Hikaru's face was the sort that's usually reserved for reacting to people who claim they pick up radio broadcasts from Mars on their fillings. "But… it's been a week."

"Yes" said the Ancient One, in horrifically calm tones. "And you have learned all you need to."

Hikaru stared at him numbly. "In a week?"

"Yes".

"And now comes the 'fighting horrific hellbeasts intent upon destroying the world' part?"

"Yes."

Hikaru gulped. "Umm—are you sure there isn't another lesson I could work on? Like that whole bit where you throw knives at me, and I try to stop them in midair? I really don't think I've got that down just right…"

The Ancient One gave a troubled sigh, that naturally managed to embody mystic wisdom. "Honestly, Gosunkugi, there are none so blind as those who will not see…"

Hikaru coughed. "Except of course, the—you know—actually blind…"

The Ancient One blinked. "Well, I suppose in a way, but—"

Hikaru shrugged. "I mean, I don't think you can get more blind than having the actual disability…"

"I was speaking metaphorically—"

Hikaru glanced at him, worried. "I thought that, at first, but then I figured the Ancient One would be much too wise, and sensitive to make comments about a genuine handicap, for the purposes of saying an aphorism that sounds like it came out of greeting card, or a fortune cookie."

The Ancient One rubbed his forehead. "Gosunkugi, forget my earlier comment."

Hikaru nodded. "It's out of my head, as if it was never spoken…"

"My point was," the Ancient One continued, "you are far more qualified then you imagine. You possess already the powers you need in your quest. I can help you no further. Any progression of your abilities you will have to do on your own."

Hikaru shut his eyes. "As the demons are trying to rend me limb from limb…"

The Ancient One nodded. "If needs be, yes."

"Would you give me a moment?" asked Hikaru, his expression drawn. "I need to—express my joy…"

The Ancient One gave him a silent nod. Hikaru left the room.

Five seconds later, the Ancient One heard a long, inarticulate scream of terror.

Ten minutes after that, Hikaru reentered the room, breathing heavily. "Okay, got THAT out of my system."

"Are you ready now to disembark?" the Ancient One asked mildly.

Hikaru sighed. "Well, I might as well get things done with…"

"Then you will need your mystic talismans, to aid you in your quest…"

"Because of course, any dignity that this endeavor might possess must be beaten out of it, as forcibly as possible," muttered Hikaru.

"What was that?" asked the Ancient One, as he walked to the back of the chamber.

"Just contemplating my place in the universe!" replied Hikaru loudly.

The Ancient One nodded. "Ahh. Good." He pulled out a certain length of cloth that Hikaru recognized immediately. "First of course, your Cloak of Levitation," the Ancient One said calmly.

Hikaru took the cloak with an expression that suggested boundless enthusiasm. "Why my beloved Cloak! How good to see it again! I had wondered so where it had gone to!"

"I found it in a canvas sack that had been buried six feet beneath the ground, under a rock," replied the Ancient One.

There was an awkward cough. "Well, that explains things," said Hikaru, his expression changing to one of utmost loathing as soon as the Ancient One's back was turned. "I will destroy you, one day," he muttered to the Cloak. "Mark my words."

"Secondly," chirped the Ancient One, "the Eye of Agomatto! A talisman that will allow you to see into the souls of men—and further!" He produced a large golden medallion that would have gone well with the outfit of any 70s' lounge lizard. "Also," he added, "it's very useful for fastening the Cloak of Levitation." He tossed it to Hikaru.

Hikaru caught it gingerly, and then gave it a rather distasteful stare. "Might as well complete the ensemble," he said in a tone that was starting to sound rather disheartened.

The Ancient One next pulled out a very large crystal ball. "And this is the Orb of Agomotto! Using it, you will discover the location of mystic threats to this world. In time, you will learn to use it to spy on any time, place, or dimension you desire." He tossed it at Hikaru, who missed it, and fell to the ground with a gasp as it struck him straight on in the chest.

The Ancient One was continuing, heedless. "And finally, the Book of Vishanti, which I entrust to your use and safe-keeping. The spells in here are your hope for salvation, but realize if it should fall into the hands—"

Hikaru was slowly straightening himself. "Would you wait just a moment? I'm still recovering from the Orb…"

"Oh," said the Ancient One quietly. "Certainly." He waited for Hikaru to finally stand up, and then handed him the Book. "Hikaru, listen to me. You must trust in your magic. It will lead you on the path of your destiny. It will gather allies around you, and show you how to best develop your powers. Never forget that."

Hikaru gave a dull nod. "Right." He lugged his various accoutrements awkwardly, as he exited the room to get his luggage. "Well, it's already doing a bang-up job…"

-----

The Ancient One watched from afar, using his mind as a telescope, as Hikaru struggled with his luggage getting into his ship. Despite himself, the Ancient One smiled slightly.

He wondered if he should tell Hikaru exactly how powerful he was. How he had managed to bend the Book of Vishanti to his will on his first try—a nearly impossible feat. That in a week he had gained powers that took others years to aspire to.

But he would probably not believe me, thought the Ancient One. And besides, perhaps the world needs a sorcerer supreme that can doubt himself. A worn look came over his weathered face. After all, we've had too many who couldn't and look where that led us.

-----

In a place that really could say it wasn't a place but a state of mind, IT stirred. There was something IT wanted. Something IT needed. Something—glowing. IT whispered to those minds most closely attuned to IT, and then waited. IT would be free in a little while. But IT had been free before and that hadn't lasted. This time, though—this time everything would go according to plan.

IT was certain…

-----

Hikaru stood out on the deck of the ship that was taking him to Tokyo. He took a deep breath, enjoying the salty air. This was, he thought, the first time he'd ever been on a ship, and not been violently ill. He liked to think it was a symbol of some kind, but most likely all the vertigo from his flying lessons had probably given him sea legs.

Still—he was starting an adventure. An insane, horrific adventure that probably prove fatal in very unpleasant ways—but still a long way from the state of utter despair he'd been in two months ago. Now he was going to amazing, improbable things.

Despite himself, a grin broke out on Hikaru's face.

A few feet away, a child burst into tears. Her mother comforted her. "Don't worry dear. The scary monster man won't hurt you…"

-----

Matsumoto Hiroya was a perfectly normal Japanese salaryman, who was polite and courteous to a fault. He was pleasant to his co-workers, kind to his family, and a dependable, if unspectacular worker. He was all in all the last man anybody expected anything unusual to happen to.

That morning, as Matsumoto was waiting for the subway, a rather shabby looking old man approached him. "Pardon me, sir. I was wondering if you could tell me what this says. I seemed to have misplaced my reading glasses."

"Certainly," said Matsumoto graciously, always ready to help his fellow man. The old man handed him a rather thin bit of yellow parchment with a very unpleasant texture to it. Matsumoto cleared his throat and began. "I invoke thee, oh three-mouthed render of souls. Ku—ku—ku…"

"I believe the word is 'Kuthargn'," offered the old man. "It means 'to tear asunder with great force' in the Elder tongue."

"Ah," nodded Matsumoto. "Thank you." With that he continued. "Kuthargn! The bindings that stay you break, oh great one! Be free to rend and slay once more. By my will, let it be so!" Matsumoto smiled and handed the old man his paper. "There you go."

The old man took it thankfully. "Much obliged, young man." He turned away. "Now if you will excuse me. I go to await joyous slaughter at the claws of my master."

Matsumoto smiled and waved goodbye. "Have a nice day, then." Yes, Matsumoto Hiroya was a pleasant, kindly man. But a bit on the naïve side.

Of course, that became completely irrelevant moments later, when he ceased to be a man, and instead became a bloody spray.

-----

Hikaru returned to Japan one rainy day on board the good ship, Cote d'Ivorie. He disembarked quickly at the docks, and after an incident involving his luggage, he made his way to Nerima first by taxi and then (after the taxi broke down in the middle of traffic) by foot.

He was just entering Nerima proper when he heard a familiar voice. "Heh. It's the freak."

Hikaru turned to see a gang of rather familiar street toughs, gathered around a rather battered-looking leader. The punk flexed his not inconsiderable muscles. "Maybe you didn't learn your lesson last time. We don't like your sort here."

Hikaru felt a sudden an urge to roll up into a ball and vanish but he reined it in. He didn't have to take this. "Well, I happen to live here. So just learn to ignore my presence, and I've no doubt everyone will be happier."

"Heh," grunted the thug. "Look at him. Thinks he's funny." The manner in which he said it made it clear that thinking you were funny was a major offense in his book. He cracked his knuckles. Hikaru winced. "Looks like I'm gonna have to deal out some pain.

Hikaru let go of his luggage, and raised his hand. Fine. The bastard wanted trouble—he'd give it to him. With a simple phrase Hikaru could have the Fires of Faltine burn him into a fine ash.

To be honest, it was rather unfair.

Hikaru stared, his senses already shifting into the mystic, as magick connections formed in his mind. As the incantations took shape, he saw into his opponent's mind, saw the bleak house that created him, the secret urges that pushed him on, the squalor that fed him.

Hikaru sighed. Great. Now, not only did he have an overwhelming advantage, he actually felt sympathy for his opponent, who was really just a said little pawn. He lowered his hand. "Look, I don't want any trou—"

The thug punched him in the stomach, then pushed him on the ground.

With a curse directed at his nascent conscience, Hikaru rose unsteadily. All right, forget reasoning with him. Just swat the guy like a bug, and then go away. Maybe just a forceful push against a wall would do the trick…

The tough paused. Somehow, his brain was registering Gosunkugi as big and menacing, even though that couldn't possibly be the case. Despite his self-assurance that Gosunkugi remained as weak and pathetic as ever, he still felt nervous about attacking him. The confusion in his mind resulted in a notable hesitation on his part.

And that hesitation gave the situation time to change.

A pair of confident footsteps approached. "Well what have we got here?" Hikaru glanced up and groaned. Nabiki was on the scene, as annoyingly self-assured as always. "Tell me, did I give you a blow to the head? Because amnesia is the only explanation I have for your actions. Gosunkugi is under my protection. Remember?" Nabiki glanced at the gang's leader in a manner that managed to be completely reasonable, and utterly terrifying.

The leader gulped and then forced on a show of bravado. "What's a matter Tendou? 'Fraid I'll mess up your boyfriend's face?" He laughed in a manner that seemed slightly strained. "Like that was possible."

Nabiki was not a person for heavy emotional response. In reaction to all that, her eyes merely took on an even more dangerous edge, and her smile became positively terrifying. "Honestly, do you want to tempt fate? I mean, even suggesting that I'm romantically connected with—well that—is a good way to find yourself in the mortuary, or the hospital, depending on my mood." She gave a light, horrible chuckle.

That was when his nerve broke. "Oh, shit," whimpered the gang leader softly, just before he turned heels and ran. The rest of the gang followed suit.

Hikaru glanced at Nabiki. "Thank you, Nabiki. Your sociopathic posturing has once again saved my skin at the cost of only my dignity, and whatever money I have in my pockets."

Nabiki's smile quickly turned into a frown. She was an intelligent person, but not a particularly imaginative one, and thus unexpected things displeased her. "That doesn't sound appropriately grateful. However, if I get my money I'll forget that you said it."

Hikaru shrugged. "In that case, I won't pay you." He turned around. "I'm rather proud of that remark—it was delivered well, in a reasonably assured tone of voice, and I think the content was cleverly handled. Having it be forgotten—it'd be a shame, really…"

Nabiki's frown jacked up another level of unpleasantness. "Tell me, Gosunkugi, do you know what will happen to you if you don't pay me?"

"You will beat me up, perhaps?" Hikaru said in a level tone of voice.

Nabiki laughed in a sepulchral manner. "Tell me Gosunkugi, why should I extend effort doing what others will do for me—at no cost to myself?"

Hikaru glanced at her. Nabiki didn't like the glance he gave her. There wasn't any fear in it. Instead there was a horrible look of condescension. "Personal satisfaction, perhaps?" He shrugged. "It's a thought."

Nabiki stepped forward, her fist raised. "Listen, you little imbecile, I don't know what you're getting from provoking me like this…"

"I'm getting closure, Nabiki Tendou," Hikaru stated in a tone that was surprisingly authoritarian. "I'm seeing now you aren't a god, or a monster, but a scared, angry little girl who's trying to bluff through life by getting money and power." He leaned forward. "They don't work, Nabiki. All they do is make you lonelier, and lonelier." Hikaru turned around. "Not that I expect you to listen. You're one of those people who already know everything, so nobody can tell you anything. Rather enviable state of existence, really. The rest of us mortals wish we had that sort of assurance."

Nabiki felt it then. Anger. Hikaru had never meant much of anything to her before—just a man with plenty of money who could be parted from it rather easily. But right now, she really would have been made extremely happy to see his broken form before her. Quite possibly in several pieces. "If you think I'm going to be insulted…"

"Leave," stated Hikaru simply. "I'm not paying you anything, anymore. I don't want to discuss this anymore today."

Nabiki turned around and seethed. Slowly, her anger fell from her like water from a sheet of plastic. Gosunkugi was just being daft. He probably had gotten sunstroke in India, and didn't know what he was doing. That was why he'd insulted her like that. It would pass. That was why she had left him alone. She'd known that deep inside.

Plus, she really hadn't wanted to discuss it anymore today.

Hikaru waited until Nabiki was a sizable distance away, then breathed a sigh of relief. Somehow—his bluff had worked. Nabiki hadn't attacked him. His hands shook slightly.

You know maybe fighting demons wouldn't be so bad.

"Hikaru?"

Five seconds after hearing that familiar voice, Hikaru realized that fighting demons was infinitely better then some options. "A-Akane." He gave a reflexive nod. "Nice to see you." He gave another reflexive nod.

Akane looked him over, oddly. "Are you all right, Hikaru?"

Hikaru gave another reflexive nod. "Of course. Perfectly fine."

Akane's eyes showed that she rather doubted that. "You just seem—kind of twitchy."

Hikaru barely stopped himself from nodding again. "It's nothing really. Just being back home, and all that…"

Akane seemed to accept that explanation, or sorry excuse for one. "Nabiki seemed upset."
"Oh, I wouldn't worry," said Hikaru. "Your sister has a real genius for ignoring things she doesn't like…"

Akane nodded in unhearing agreement. "So, how was India?"

Hikaru took a deep breath. He had to be careful in what he told her—no one could suspect the truth. "Oh, fine," he began. "I faced off against a powerful demonic wizard, and became apprenticed to a sorcerer." Hikaru buried his face in his palm. Oh, crap. That was a mistake. He needed to move the conversation along quickly. He recalled Akane mentioning a trip to him once…

"So how was Norway?"

"Nice," replied a smiling Akane. "I defeated a bunch of invading stone aliens, and assumed the power of the Goddess of Thunder."

"Ahh," said Hikaru, nodding. "That sounds lovely." He gave a nervous grin. Well, he thought, she apparently thinks I've gone mad and is humoring me.

Akane smiled and nodded back at him. Poor Hikaru, she thought. He finally snapped. I really shouldn't make fun of him though—after all nobody can suspect the truth.

-----

"'—So next time you hear the circus is town,'" Kagome recited enthusiastically, "'remember it may be the Circus of Crime!'" She glanced up at her partner. "This one's going into the scrapbook!"

Inu-Yasha glanced at her from across the room. He'd been pacing a great deal lately, like an animal in a cage that was too small. "Kagome, it barely mentions us."

Kagome sighed, as she took out a pair of scissors. "Inu-Yasha we are a major section of that article."

Inu-Yasha moved next to her with startling speed, and picked up the article. "'The Circus of Crime was thwarted by a pair of as yet unidentified superheroes.'", he read in a hurried tone. He glanced at her scornfully. "Oh, yeah, a major section, all right…"

Kagome grabbed the paper. "It's going into the scrapbook," she stated definitely. "Now let go—I don't want to tear it."

Inu-Yasha relented. Turning away, he stated quietly, "I just don't see what the big deal is…"

Kagome chuckled. "We're learning to work together as a team."

Inu-Yasha's expression hinted at disbelief, in the same manner that explosions hint of bombs. "Kagome, we already were working together as a team."

"Ah!" she said enthusiastically. "But not a super team!"

Inu-Yasha sighed. That sort of thinking was, when you got down to it, undefeatable. "Kagome—I—I wouldn't get so worked up about this…"

Kagome turned and gave him…the look. The look managed to be innocent and infuriated and threatening and endearing all at once, and when Inu-Yasha was on the receiving end, he never had an idea on how to deal with it. "Getting worked up? I'm not getting worked up!" Kagome bit her lip. "We're superheroes! We beat supervillains. It's important." She finished cutting out the article and placed it next to "Witnesses See Dog-boy and Cat-girl" and "Are Animal People Foiling Crime in Tokyo?".

Inu-Yasha leaned back. "Look—I don't know if a group of midgets, tumblers, an' clowns who steal things count as supervillains…"

Kagome stared at him angrily. "Yes they do! They have cool nicknames!"

Inu-Yasha groaned. "Kagome—I—I just don't wanna be a superhero. It seems like a waste of time."

Kagome stared at him, as if she'd been struck. "What's—what's wrong with being a superhero?"

The look on Kagome's face made Inu-Yasha feel guilty—which of course made him resent her more. "Well, for starters there's that name you gave me."

Kagome gasped. ""Oh! And what's wrong with be called 'Son of Satan'?"

Inu-Yasha scratched his chin. "Well, let's see—maybe—I don't know—'cause my dad's name ain't SATAN!"

Kagome turned around, and gave a dismissive shrug. "It's just supposed to be catchy. It doesn't matter if it's accurate."

Inu-Yasha slouched, his expression worried. "But—Kagome—I—" He straightened and looked at her. "You've been weird lately."

Kagome glanced at him, scandalized. "WEIRD!" she said, waving her scissors around. "I defy you to show that I'm weird!"

Inu-Yasha backed away as the scissors came exceedingly close to his face. "Where do I start? The costumes—the names—the way you make speeches now…"

Kagome placed her hands on her hips, just narrowly avoiding stabbing herself in the thigh. "I DO NOT MAKE SPEECHES!" She glanced away. "I say enheartening words in the fight against evil."

"It's the same thing!"

"Completely different," Kagome stated definitively.

Inu-Yasha glanced at the floor. "I'm just—starting to wonder—what's the point?"

"The POINT?" Kagome was now livid. "The point is saving lives! The point is making a difference! The point is being a beacon of hope in a world beset by darkness!"

Inu-Yasha grabbed her shoulders forcefully. "We can do all that as INU-YASHA and KAGOME!!" He shut his eyes, his arms slumping down to his side. "I just want to be Inu-Yasha and Kagome. Like we used to be…"

Kagome turned away, and sniffled. She looked, rather embarrassed. After a moment, she spoke. "I—I'm sorry, Inu-Yasha. I guess, I just—forgot about how you feel—in all the—excitement…" She sat back down and rested her head on the desk. "It's just…"

She sighed.

"When I was a little girl, my father used to read me stories about—well, the superheroes. I—I just loved that there were people like that –brave people who did what had to be done to keep everyone safe. And when my father…" She shut her eyes. "When he died, I started reading them myself, as a way of—keeping him here, and that made me want to be one. But I got older, and realized I couldn't be, so I just—chose to forget about it. And then—then I met you, and superheroes started showing up everywhere, and I realized I had the chance to—do it." She smiled ruefully. "To be a superhero." She glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Silly, huh?"

Inu-Yasha was quiet for a moment, looking guiltily at the floor. "I'm…sorry, Kagome."

Kagome's eyes widened in surprise, as she watched Inu-Yasha glance away awkwardly. "Sorry? What for?"

He shut his eyes. "For bein' a big jerk." He took a deep breath. "We can keep up the superhero deal. I don't mind."

Kagome leaped forward and gave him a hug. "Oh, Inu-Yasha!"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "Umm, Kagome…"

Kagome seemed to suddenly realize what she was doing, and let go, then backed away, awkwardly. "Umm—right. Thank you…" The pair made pointed glances away from each other, and fidgeted for a while, before a distraction entered the room in the form of a meowing cat.

Kagome immediately turned. "Kilala!" She scooped up the small white cat with black patches (whose tail, the observant onlooker would have noticed, seemed to be on fire) and began to coddle it. "You're such a good kitty! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"

Inu-Yasha rolled his eyes. "I don't know why you make such a big deal about that cat."

Kagome glanced at him offended while stroking Kilala's head. "Kilala wound up with us here after the explosion. It has to mean something…"

"It means that she hid in your pocket," muttered Inu-Yasha peevishly.

Kagome looked up. "What was that?"

"Nothing."

-----

Hikaru, smiling slightly, held up the shirt he'd just spent the last hour sewing a yin-yang symbol onto. He'd done a rather good job, actually—the yin-yang was positioned perfectly in the shirt's center, divided into two, each half fitting together perfectly to form the whole. He'd even positioned it, so the buttons were incorporated into the design as the balancing energies. And to finish it off, he'd marked it off from the rest from the rest of the shirt by a thin line of silver thread.

Well, thought Hikaru, that's four hours killed. Now I've got to worry about the slow destruction of the world's protective barriers before an insidious onslaught of demonic invaders… He sighed. I think I'll worry about my costume for a little while longer…

He put on the shirt, then snapped on the final touch—a harmless bit of vanity that he was already slightly ashamed of—a pair of circling serpent cufflinks he'd found in India and bought on impulse. He glanced into the mirror.

Hikaru chuckled slightly. He actually looked—well, somewhat impressive. Now all he needed to add was…

He winced. The Cloak.

The idea had occurred to him on the trip back. Reading the newspapers, he'd noted that in the month or so he'd been gone, a great change had come over Japan—it was beset by superheroes. It seemed nearly half the articles dealt with the doing of brave men and women who wore spandex without the least sense of shame or even regret. It had seemed obvious to him that posing as a superhero would be the best way to about his business in Tokyo.

Otherwise he was afraid he might be mistaken for a pimp wearing that damn Cloak of Levitation, something his sallow complexion and limited physique would only act to confirm. Hikaru was not going to be booked on an ethics charge.

Not again.

No he was sure he'd seem fairly sedate by superhero standards. Well, reasonably sure. He thought anyway. He slipped on the Cloak.

Hikaru sighed. Well, he had accomplished his goal. He no longer looked like a pimp.

He looked like a pimp who had recently converted to Taoism.

Hikaru turned to his dresser. Fortunately he was prepared for this eventuality. He snapped on a domino mask, then glanced back at the mirror.

Now he looked like a Taoist pimp who was attending a costume ball.

Well, there was a last chance of avoiding recognition. He slipped the pantyhose over his head.

Now he looked like a Taoist pimp who was going to commit a mugging, on his way to a costume ball.

Hikaru took both of his makeshift disguises off. It appeared that this was his—best option. He sighed. Well, if any of his classmates saw him, he'd just pretend not to know them. After all, what chance was there of them automatically recognizing a ghastly pale young man wearing a distinctive outfit?

Hikaru groaned. Life really wasn't fair, when you got down to it…

He took a deep breath, and turned to the Orb of Agomotto. He'd managed to set it up on his desk as a paperweight, telling his parents he'd gotten it as a memento in India. Now, the Ancient One had told him that it would help him locate threats to this world…but hadn't actually mentioned how to use it.

Hikaru stared at it, for a moment. Maybe—maybe if he thumped it a little… but no, it looked rather delicate. He placed his hand on top of it.

A brilliant light began to shine from the center of the Eye. Strange images flooded Hikaru's mind, which then began to crystallize with startling clarity.

Hikaru stood there for a moment, silent. Finally, he uttered two words, quietly.

"Oh, crap…"

-----

IT was free now. ITs servants had seen to that and they had received the honor of death at ITs claws for that service.

The killing had been good.

ITS initial impulse had been to do more, but IT was clever enough to realize that it was not ready yet. There was something IT needed—something that shone. Once it had that, it could slay till the ground ran red.

Oh, it would be sweet.

IT felt pleasure at these thoughts. In the past, IT would not be capable of such planning. IT would be wild and heedless and slay until IT was stopped. But things were different this time. IT felt—calmer. More in control. This time, the conditions were just right. And not just for IT.

No, for all ITs old friends as well.

-----

"The jewel's properties were first discovered in 1806, by Carl von Herzog," began Henry Exposition, a lieutenant in SHIELD. "Prior to that, it had been in the possession of a noted Chinese family who credited it with magical powers."

Sergeant Michael Cross glanced at his companion. "So actually, the properties were discovered earlier by the family—or possibly someone else before them."

Exposition gave a snobbish sniff, as he turned the van in traffic. "I was using "discovered" in the classical sense—'noticed by someone of European descent'."

Cross scowled. "Right." He hated Henry. The Expositions were a big family in SHIELD—one encountered them everywhere—and everywhere they were the same didactic, pontificating blabbermouths who were always willing to talk your ears off. Still, every now and then, there was a bit of vital information hid away among all the hot air.

"All right—accepting that definition, what did Von Herzog discover?"

"That the jewel seemed to emit some sort of strange energy that responded to human emotions."

"That was all?"

"Well, he was going to do further research, but he was struck by lightening. At least they think he was—there was a storm the night he died, and the smoldering stumps of his legs were found…"

"Right," muttered Cross.

"Anyway, the shard passed to his cousin, Wilhelm Von Gunzt, who confirmed its properties before drowning in a bowl of soup."

"A bowl of soup?"

"Wilhelm suffered from narcolepsy. He sort of nodded off during a feast. Unfortunately, Mozart was playing that night, and he was at the height of his popularity. He'd been lying face first in gazpacho soup for about an hour before anyone noticed."

Michael sighed. "And then?"

Exposition shrugged. "Then the shard passed to Wilhelm's brother, Randolph, who published a pamphlet on its properties. Unfortunately, he also published a pamphlet on the glories of communal gardening, and was arrested and executed as a Rosicrucian."

"Just for publishing a gardening tract?"

"It was a politically explosive time. Plus, he'd once made the mistake of comparing the Crown Prince's wife to a bratwurst." Henry coughed at that, then continued. "Randolph's pamphlet interested one Edmund Fitzroy, a wealthy English financier, who purchased the shard, and an hour later, was hit by a cart, which dragged his body twenty three miles, before crashing in a ditch."

Michael gave a whistle. "What a way to die…"

"Oh, he didn't die." Exposition thought that over. "Though to be fair, he lost all of his higher faculties, and had to be spoon-fed pease porridge for the remaining years of his life." He tapped his fingers lightly on the steering wheel. "After that, the jewel remained in his family's possession well into the mid-20th century, when it was bought by SHIELD through a dummy company. It was then kept in cold storage after the regrettable incident with Assistant Director Harker…"

"What was that?" interjected Cross.

"He sort of melted…"

"How do you 'sort of melt'?"

"The experts are still asking that question. It may have been something he ate."

Cross winced.

"Anyway the shard stayed in storage until Arturo Garibaldi brought it out during his term as Director of Research. Garibaldi quickly discovered an accurate way of harnessing the crystal's energy after slipping in the shower one day, and designed the 'U-ray'."

Cross glanced at Exposition. "Is this the same Arturo Garibaldi who liked to receive enemas from transvestites?"

Exposition frowned. "Now, Michael, it is a low act indeed to dwell on the personal foibles of one of SHIELD's greatest researchers…"

"Okay," Cross sighed. "Fine. But didn't he blow himself up in a faulty experiment?"

"Honestly! While it's true Garibaldi suffered a mishap with his temporal transponder, it could hardly be termed 'blowing himself up', as it was nonfatal. Garibaldi is well on the road to recovery."

"They found his head in Newark! Just his head!"

"Ahh," said Exposition sagely, "but when they found it, it was smoking a cigar, and winked at them. I've no doubt that Garibaldi will manage to pull himself together eventually. Why just last year, he was seen in a gentleman's club in Los Angeles, and he'd managed to work himself up to an almost complete torso, missing only a left arm."

Cross felt a burning urge to free himself of that image.

"So what about the 'U-ray'?"

Exposition shrugged. "SHIELD checked the plans, then subcontracted them out to Akamatsu Industries Limited. They put it together with virtually no incident—aside from the spontaneous combustion of half the staff, of course."

"Half the staff…?"

"Well, when you actually consider it, it's not so unusual. There are perhaps several hundred cases of spontaneous combustion a year—and it is only natural that some would happen to individuals who greatly resemble each other—for example, who share a place of employment."

Cross was completely silent for a moment. Finally he glanced at Exposition. "So that's the history of the item we're picking up?"

Henry nodded. "More or less."

"Perfect," grumbled Cross.

"Oh, don't be silly," laughed Exposition as he turned onto a rather deserted street. "What could possibly go wrong?"

-----

Yuka was a perfectly normal young girl, whose only real flaw (if you could call it that) was a definite tendency to stay out late. Her parents had always told her that this would get her into trouble.

Not even they had imagined that this trouble might take the form of being pulled into an alleyway by a creature that looked like a combination of spider, an octopus, and bit of rotting food that'd been in the refrigerator far too long, but this was mostly due to a lack of imagination on their parts.

Yuka was not especially brave, so she screamed a great deal as this happened, and looked around frantically. She couldn't die like this! She just couldn't. Something had to happen.

Against all reason something did.

"Blast of the Five Winds!" cried a voice. A furious blast of wind tore at the creature. It turned. A figure stood at the opposite end of the alley. Feeling angry at having its fun interrupted, the beast charged towards it. "Rain of Iron!" said the figure, a shower of iron nails tearing into the creature, pinning it to the opposite wall. It squealed horribly, then dissolved into a patch of nasty oilish smoke. Yuka glanced at her savior.

He was much shorter than she'd thought he'd be.

"Umm, hello…" said Hikaru, nervously. It was just his luck he'd run into a classmate on his first night out.

Yuka stared at him. That pallor—that dark clothing—those sunken eyes—she recognized him. "I know you!" she cried.

Hikaru winced. Here it comes, he thought.

"Count Dracula!" Yuka cried. She rushed towards him, craning her neck at a very odd angle. "Have you come to make me one of your unholy brides?"

Hikaru looked at her in disbelief. Finally, he coughed. "I'm not… Dracula."

Yuka looked distinctly disappointed at that. "Oh." Suddenly, the eager look reappeared on her face. "Well, you're still going to suck my blood so that I can spend eternity under your thrall, right?"

Hikaru began to nervously tap his fingers together. "I'm not a vampire." He cleared his throat, and glanced around. "Actually, the whole blood-sucking thing always struck me as unhygienic…"

Yuka was looking at him with bored suspicion. "Well, if you're not a vampire, why are you wearing a cape?"

Hikaru glanced away, looking acutely embarrassed. "I'm a superhero."

Yuka's eyes widened. "Really?" She looked at him, amazed. "Wow. I've never met a superhero before." Her gaze seemed to adjust down to speculative. "I've never heard of one wearing an outfit like that…"

Hikaru shrugged. "Well—there's no dress code, so I decided to go for a unique look…"

"Or having such a scrawny, underdeveloped musculature."

Hikaru winced. "Umm—right—well, I've been meaning to hit the gym, one of these days…"

Yuka continued. "Or being so grotesquely ugly…"

Hikaru glared at her. "Look—I didn't see you dealing with that Hrr'grakai demon! When you can command the Five Elements to do your bidding, then you can critique me, understand?"

"Are you sure you're not a vampire?" Yuka asked, ignoring him. She glanced over again. "Or maybe a zombie?"

Hikaru was actually starting to regret saving her. "Yes, I'm sure."

Yuka gave a skeptical nod. "And what do you call yourself?"

Hikaru blinked. He had forgotten to give himself an alias. "Why, I'm—" He began to hem and haw. He needed something vaguely authoritarian, but snappy. The lighter side of fascism, more or less. And of course, it had to be mystical. Shaman? Too vague. Brother Voodoo? Much too silly. Morbius, the Living Vampire?

Hikaru blinked. He had no idea where that last one came from. Yuka was looking at him with growing doubt. "Doctor—" Doctor—yes—that was the ticket, friendly, but commanding. Now, what next…?

These musings were interrupted by the anomaly in the end of the alley.

"Strange," he muttered softly. "That shouldn't be here…"

Yuka glanced around. "What shouldn't be here, Dr. Strange?"

Hikaru paused. Apparently she thought his confused strugglings for a name and his statement of puzzlement were directly connected. He turned the name over in his head. Dr. Strange. Pretty good actually. Managed to imply mystery without sounding too ridiculous, AND it was easy to remember. He coughed slightly. "There's an anomaly over there—a—well, a gateway. To a BAD place. A really bad place. A place where your friend is actually the standard of beauty. Which is why you should get going. Preferably now."

Yuka nodded. "All right." As she started to move away, she stopped a moment, and glanced at Hikaru. "Do you think you could at least gnaw on my neck a little…?"

"SCRAM!" shouted Hikaru, waving his fist.

Yuka scurried away. Hikaru turned back to the anomaly. His crusade against the powers of evil had taught him one thing, at least.

When the lights go out the real freaks come out, and sometimes they aren't the people you'd expect. It was going to be a long time before he could look at some of the people on his street without shuddering.

And along that note, he should remember to avoid Yuka like the plague. Not that that would prove especially difficult, as she existed in a completely different social circle then him.

The little fetishistic weirdo…

Hikaru was at this point, three feet from the anomaly, and that's when things got—well, not unusual, but more unusual, perhaps.

AH. HELLO, MORTAL, a voice spoke in his mind. The voice's tone—not there was actual sound to it—was haughty and commanding. I SEE YOU DEFEATED MY HERALD. THAT WAS GOOD—FOR A MORTAL.

Hikaru sighed. "I suppose…." He glanced around. "So who are you, and why do I hear your voice in my head, instead of God telling me that I'm the Angel of Death, and the bloody harvest is about to begin?"

This seemed to puzzle the entity. EH?

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Sarcasm. That's right. I forget you evil demonic overlords generally don't have senses of humor."

OH, said the entity, a general feeling unease coming from its thoughts, before being masked once again by bravado and boasting. LISTEN WELL, MORTAL, FOR I AM HE-WHO-DWELLS-IN-DARKNESS.

Hikaru chuckled slightly. "You must pay a small fortune for monograms."

While he didn't hear an unintelligible grumble he felt it. LISTEN, SORCERER, I TOLD YOU TRUE—YOU DID WELL, FOR A MORTAL. BUT THE GREATEST MORTAL IS FOR ME NO MORE SIGNIFICANT THAN THE GREATEST GRAIN OF SAND.

"You know, people have been killed by grains of sand…" commented Hikaru.

WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?, came back the rather shocked thought.

"Nothing," replied Hikaru. "Just trying to make conversation. I know how much you guys like the sound of—no, that doesn't work—well, the feel of your own thought patterns, I guess." He shrugged. "I'm just giving you material to work with. Really, you should be thankful."

LISTEN, FLEA, DO YOU DARE INSULT ME? HE-WHO-

"-Dwells-In-Darkness," muttered Hikaru diffidently. "I heard it the first time. And yes. I guess I do."

CHURL! I WILL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB! I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR ENTRAILS, AND USE THEM AS CHEWING GUM! I WILL SLAUGHTER ALL IN YOUR WORLD, UNTIL THE SEA RUNS RED WITH BLOOD!

Hikaru smiled. "That sounds very impressive. Care to step outside and say that?"

WHAT? There was a nervous touch to the demon lord's mental tone. UMM—MAYBE LATER. HOW ABOUT FIRST I SEND SOME MORE MINIONS OUT TO GET YOU…?

Hikaru shrugged. "Bit of a waste of time. Do you know how many demonic invasions I have to handle tonight? I'm three down, and I still have five more to go. Nope, got to get this one done quickly. I think I'll just enter your dimension, and engage you into a struggle to the death."

NOO! YOU CAN'T! I—I'VE GOT A COLD! AND I'M NOT DRESSED! IT WOULD BE REALLY REALLY EMBARASSING.

Hikaru sighed. "Well, then you leave me no choice…" He started to walk forward. "Just going to have to destroy your portal."

LOOK, came the nervous thought pattern, I—I WAS JUST JOKING. I'M NOT REALLY GOING TO MAKE THE SEAS RUN RED WITH BLOOD.

Hikaru walked into the anomaly. "Not much of a joke."

PLEASE—THIS PORTAL—IT'S MY ONLY CHANCE TO MAKE IT IN THE NETHERWORLD! WHEN YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING—THE OTHER DEMONS, THEY EXPECT ALL SORTS OF POSING! IT'S ALL BULLSHIT! HONEST! HELL, MY NAME ISN'T REALLY HE-WHO-DWELLS-IN-DARKNESS—IT'S NORM!

"That's very interesting to know," stated Hikaru, as he vanished into the anomaly.

ALL RIGHT, PAL! YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT! I'M NO SLOUCH IN THE FIGHTING DEPARTMENT! PREPARE TO ENTER A UNIVERSE OF PAIN!

About five minutes later, Hikaru exited the anomaly, and completed the job of closing it. "That was underwhelming." He rubbed his eyes. "Oh, great. I think the lighting in there gave me a headache…" And so, Hikaru Gosunkugi strode out into the night, looking for a 24 hour drugstore that sold cheap aspirin.

-----

"Night falls, in a nightish sort of way. And when it falls, night's solitary warriors…"

Inu-Yasha gave a frustrated sigh. "How are we solitary Kagome? There's two of us." Kagome had been giving these 'introductory monologues' for about a month now, and he was starting worry.

"Quiet! I'm establishing mood here. Ahem—when it falls, night's solitary warriors, Hellcat and Son of Satan spring into action! Defeating badness! Defending goodness! Supporting pleasantness! And also niceness! But not ickiness! That's right out! Son of Satan, are you with me?"

Inu-Yasha considered saying no, but really couldn't let Kagome down like that. "Sure. Hurray for niceness. Wooh."

"Right!" cried Kagome. "To the Hellcat-Cycle!"

The Hellcat-Cycle had been just 'Kagome's bicycle' before, but after the superhero deal began, it had gotten a cheap plastic cat decal attached to it, and become—THE HELLCAT-CYCLE! Manually powered transport—of SUPERHEROES!

Inu-Yasha groaned. Great. Now he was doing it.

Kagome meanwhile, was busily peddling away.

"Come on, Son of Satan! There're deeds of daring-do to do!"

"I'm comin', I'm comin'…" muttered Inu-Yasha, as he started to run behind her.

-----

Hikaru, after foiling six attempted invasions of the Earth by demonic entities of various stripes, was really getting tired of his new job.

Maybe it was because the only pay he received was a sense of satisfaction of job well done, or at least done. Well, that and his continued existence. Which might be a plus, he admitted.

Maybe it was because the average demon was a grotesque mockery of all life. With absolutely no taste, and even less of a sense of humor. He'd had to raid several demonic dimensions, all of which featured flowing rivers of blood, strobe lighting, and "You Don't Have to Be Damned to Work Here—But It Helps!" signs on the walls.

Hikaru took a deep sip of his rather indifferent, lukewarm latte. A paper airplane that had been painstakingly folded from a napkin struck him on the back of the head.

Or perhaps, he appended, it was all the mockery his outfit was attracting as he paused to get refreshed at an all-night café.

Hikaru turned abruptly. "All right you creep, I seem to recall that this is a free country, where a man can stop for a cup of coffee, and not have to worry about persecution based on the way he dresses."

The entire clientele of the café glanced at him, and then glanced pointedly away.

"I'll have you know I have a perfectly good reason for wearing this outfit!" Hikaru began to wave his fist. "I am a SUPERHERO!"

The crowd continued to pointedly glance away.

Hikaru sat back down. "Ingrates," he muttered under his breath. Maybe he should just let the N'Gai toast a city district. That would show them…

The café's waitress approached him. "Anything else?"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Tell me, if I order another latte, would it actually be hot?"

The waitress shrugged. "Miracles have been known to happen."

Hikaru frowned. "That's what I thought…" He handed her a few bills. "Keep the change…" The waitress nodded and headed out. Hikaru sighed. He shouldn't have flown off the handle like that. After all, it was just a paper airplane. He'd dealt with worse his entire life. At least right now, he was having a quiet moment, after an eventful stress-filled night.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, night owls, prepare for a stick-up of the most figurative kind! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru's head slumped down to the countertop. Well, at least his luck was holding out. All bad. Righting himself, he turned to look at this new threat.

Hikaru blinked. Then he blinked again, to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. Then he blinked a third time, in the desperate hope that he was. However, it appeared he wasn't. The café really was about to be robbed by a man dressed largely in purple spandex—right up to the cowl on his rather vulpine face. The man's gloves and boots were both a light red in color, and in his left hand, he held what looked for all the world like a military attempt at designing a squirt gun.

"Tremble, yes tremble fools at my awesome might! It will consume you! Quail before my power! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru's teeth ground together at the apparent supervillain's high-pitched laughter. Maybe if I just sit here quietly, this will blow over, he thought. I mean, it's not like I owe these people anything. I've already saved their sorry carcasses tonight, and I'm going to do it again. I can sit this one out. Might teach them a lesson. That was when he caught a desperate glance from the waitress. "Damn social conscience…" muttered Hikaru, standing up.

"Attention, supervillain!" he stated in his best attempt at a loud commanding voice. "Before you stands Dr. Strange, self appointed nemesis to unpleasantness. Now cease your criminal activities and inordinate cackling or face my completely justifiable wrath."

"Oh, really?" snorted the villain. "And tell me, Doctor are you ready to face the uncanny power of—PASTE-POT PETE?!!"

Hikaru's face went slack. "What?"

"I said, 'are you ready to face the uncanny power of Paste-pot Pete'?" His opponent frowned. "What are you, deaf?"

Hikaru buried his face in his hands. The universe, he felt, was an unjustifiably silly place, sometimes.

Paste-pot Pete (who was known to family and—well, acquaintances, as Katsuhiku Jinnai) smiled to himself. His first act of supervillainy was already a roaring success. His superhero opponent had been reduced to quivering terror at the very mention of his name! Soon, very soon, Makoto Mizuhara would be defeated!

All right—so technically, this was his second act of supervillainy. His first, an attempted bank robbery, had derailed fairly quickly. He'd handed a note saying "Prepare to get sticky" to a teller, and then had waited half an hour, at which point a pair of muscular security guards had shown up, and forcibly hauled him off, explaining as they did so that the bank didn't want perverts intent on monkey business hanging around the premises.

Fortunately, no one had noted the beginning of his career in crime, and Jinnai had been able to take away two very important lessons.

Firstly, banks are far too heavily protected to be robbed with impunity. It would be wiser to go for a place that wasn't expecting it.

Secondly, his impromptu costume of an artist's smock and dark glasses just didn't seem to grab people's attention, at least, not in a way that screamed 'supervillain'.

Jinnai gave a satisfied nod. Purple spandex had definitely been the way to go.

Hikaru, after a couple of deep breaths, glanced up. "Okay," he announced. "My burst of existential horror is over. I accept the terrifying fact that a man may want to dress in spandex and call himself Pasty Pete—"

"That's Paste-Pot Pete!" cried Jinnai, menacingly waving his gun around.

"Right," said Hikaru in the calm cool tone that is generally used by men of extraordinary patience on children of remarkable intransigence. "As I was saying, it's the sort of thinking that gives the world quite a few rock stars." Hikaru's toe was starting to tap impatiently on the floor. "But what puzzles me is what superpowers a man called Post-Haste Pete—"

"I said, that's Paste-Pot Pete!" screamed Jinnai.

"Dear me," said Hikaru. "Did I misspeak myself? Must be the lateness of the hour. To continue, what powers might he possess?"

"A worthy question," cackled Jinnai. "My power comes from my brilliant invention, the paste pistol!" Jinnai glanced at his creation lovingly. Well, truthfully it was that bastard Mizuhara's invention, which Jinnai had… liberated from his lab, but still, his nemesis had been blind to its more advanced applications. In fact, he had built it for nothing more than to fix a few loose tiles on the school roof, showing as usual the inferiority of his so-called genius in comparison to the incomparable mind of Katsuhiko Jinnai. "With this I shall become one of the leading lights of the criminal world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru seemed to be staring at him rather strangely. "I'm happy for you. So—your—paste pistol…" Hikaru bit his lip, in apparent frustration. "It shoots—paste, I'm guessing?"

Jinnai snickered. "That's right! A very sticky paste! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hikaru nodded. "That's what I thought." He nodded some more. "Would you just—give me a second…?" Hikaru turned around, glanced at the café's patrons, and screamed. "All right people!" he shouted. "Would a reasonably fit man care to take a chair to the back of Pastel Pete's head?"

"That's Paste-Pot Pete!" cried Jinnai.

"Shut up!" said Hikaru forcibly. He glanced back at the crowd. "Come on! He's a scrawny young man who is trying to hold you up with a glue gun! Am I the only one here who realizes the inherent absurdity of this fact?"

The other patrons made it a point of order to avoid looking at Hikaru.

"You all suck," muttered Hikaru. "I want you to realize that…"

"What to do you mean 'inherent absurdity'? Are you insulting me, you cape-wearing lunatic?"

"Yes, I'm insulting you because you are probably one of the most intrinsically incompetent supervillains in existence," seethed Hikaru. "Have you ever considered the obvious limitations of your 'power'? Suppose, for example, that you are robbing a bank. The manager knows the combination to the safe. He won't open it. What do you do?"

"Simple," snickered Jinnai. "I'd tell him to do it, or face a blast from my paste pistol."

"And what would that do?"

"It would—make him very sticky…" stated Jinnai, a touch of uncertainty trailing into his voice.

"And why would that be threatening?" Hikaru asked quietly.

"He—really doesn't like being sticky…" Jinnai's expression was now openly confused.

"It's not threatening at all!" Hikaru shouted. "If you'd have thought about it, you'd have known it! You'd have seen your only superpower is using a gun that's less effective than a normal gun!"

"It—it makes people sticky!" Jinnai muttered defensively.

"A normal gun makes people dead," replied Hikaru. "Being dead is much worse than being sticky."

"Oh—oh, shut up!" screamed Jinnai raising his paste pistol. "No one insults my reign of supervilliany…" He pulled the trigger.

A trickle of brownish fluid leaked out of the muzzle. "What—? " Jinnai muttered in shock.

"Oh, yes," said Hikaru in a rather amused tone. "While we were chatting, I transformed your glue to molasses."

Jinnai stared at him in dull surprise.

"Or maybe treacle." Hikaru began to tap his chin, in speculation. "Actually, those might be the same thing…"

"You're working for him, aren't you?" Jinnai stated hatefully. "You're working for Makoto Mizuhara!"

Hikaru glanced at Jinnai, baffled. "Who?"

"Don't play dumb with me!" screamed Jinnai. "This is just another one of that bastard's attempts to bring me down! Well, Paste-Pot Pete is not as easy to defeat as Katsuhiku Jinnai!" He triumphantly pulled out a greenish cylinder from his back pocket. "Behold! A second load of ammunition!"

Hikaru sighed. "You really take too much relish in even the smallest triumphs, you know that?"

Jinnai changed his canisters quickly, then leveled the gun at Hikaru. "Let's see you get out of this one!"

Hikaru stared at him forcibly.

Jinnai blinked. "Gettin' sleepy…" he muttered. "Go night-night now…" With that he crashed to the floor and within minutes was laying there in a fetal position, snoring.

"Had to keep at it, didn't you?" Hikaru shook his head. He turned to the café patrons. "And thus was the scary Potboy Pete, wielder of the mighty glue gun, vanquished." He walked out. "Don't expect me to be so helpful next time…"

Shortly after he left the patrons glanced at each other. "Well, it seems that shrill, ugly fellow really was a superhero!"

"Yes. We're all in his debt it seems."

"What was his name again?" asked one.

"Ummmm… I think it was "Professor Weird, or something…" said another, uncertainly.

"No, daddy, I'm a good boy…" whimpered an unconscious Jinnai from the floor. "It was Nanami…" He began to suck his thumb nervously.

-----

The time was coming. IT could feel the circumstances aligning. A few more adjustments, and it would be done…

There. Finished. Now IT just had to wait. IT hated waiting. IT wanted to be killing. IT wanted to feel blood pour down ITs throats. IT wanted to enjoy the suffering of mortals…

But IT could wait for a little while longer. This was going to work. Just a little more time…

-----

"Come on, Inu-Yasha!" cried Kagome.

Inu-Yasha glanced around. "This doesn't look like our usual street."

Kagome stopped the bike, and glanced at him. "Umm, what do you mean?"

Inu-Yasha looked at the buildings. "Well—we sorta aren't on that street we usually patrol around now."

Kagome looked around and blinked. "Ummm—you're right." She shook her head and began to pedal again. "Well, let's go on!"

"What?" Inu-Yasha darted alongside her.

Kagome shrugged. "We're just varying our patrol. After all, there's probably evil for us to deal with here too. Come on, Son of Satan! Our epic battle against the forces of nastiness continues!"

Inu-Yasha grumbled to himself, and then hurried after her. And thus pair of rather low-rent superheroes rushed to their epic confrontation with Destiny. Or perhaps Really, Really Bad Luck.

-----

"Hurry it up," muttered Cross, glancing around at the relatively empty back street the van was creeping down.

"I'm keeping it at precisely the speed limit," replied Exposition. "Are you asking me to break the law?"

"Yes!" replied Cross. "I have a date!"

"Really?" Exposition stated conversationally. "Who with?"

"Cindy in R&D!" Cross growled. He pointed to the back of the van. "I'd like to get there before that damn thing kills us!"

"Relax," said Henry calmly. "It's sitting in a six-inch casing of negatanium. That should mute all such energies to next-to-nothing. Why do you think Akamatsu was able to finish the U-ray without incident?"

Michael considered it more important to ask why Akamatsu Industries Ltd. had immediately had a Buddhist Monk and a Shinto Priest on the premises to exorcise them. Or why they had broken out into a celebration as the van rolled out of sight. "I'd call spontaneous combustion an incident," he muttered.

"No scientific method at all," Exposition stated disdainfully. "Would you rather we not build a U-ray?"

"Of course not," Cross stated uncertainly. "The cause of peace demands it. I know that."

The cause of peace had in fact demanded that SHIELD build some of the most terrifyingly deadly and destructive weapons in the world, thus serving it by reducing the number of pesky living people who could be at times less than peaceable.

Exposition turned down a road. "Hmm," he muttered. "Road block up ahead…"

Cross started. "In a warehouse district?"

Exposition shrugged. "Accidents happen everywhere." He slowed the van into a stop, and leaned out the window. A pair of policemen stood there. "Pardon me, gentlemen," Exposition stated calmly. "May I ask why you've set up a road block here?"

"Certainly," said an apparent policeman. "To stop you SHIELD dogs!" At that moment, a horde of men in green and yellow bodysuits surrounded the van. The two policeman quickly removed their uniforms, revealing similar outfits. "Well, well. It seems our information has panned out beautifully," said one. "Now, hand over the U-ray so it may used for the glorification of HYDRA!" He raised his fist, an action imitated by his fellows. "Hail HYDRA! If you cut off one head—"

At that moment a large vehicle that looked like a corkscrew on wheels burrowed out of the ground. A group of men and women wearing rather bulky brown environmental suits topped by funnel-shaped helmets emerged. "Halt inferiors!" said one. "The U-ray will be claimed not by SHIELD or HYDRA, but by Advanced Idea Mechanics! Hail, AIM! The future shall be ours through tech—"

"Oh give it a rest, science boy!" muttered a HYDRA member. "Everyone knows you AIM flunkies are useless in a fight."

Another one snorted. "Right. Just go back to your slide rule, flathead, and leave world-conquering to the professionals."

"And what will you do, squidman?" asked an AIM member loudly. "Hold some nation hostage? 'Cause that's gotten such great results! At least we'll be able to do something with the U-ray!"

"Hey, don't knock our methods!" cried the first HYDRA member. "We've just been having a run of bad luck…"

"For sixty years? That's some run!" shouted the AIM member. "Why do you think we left? We got sick of nothing getting done."

"I thought you left because the giant head told you to," muttered the second HYDRA member.

"Hey, don't make fun of MODOK!" cried the AIM member. "He's not just a giant head! He's got arms—and legs too!" He stepped forward, looking ready to swing.

Another member grabbed him lightly by the shoulder. "Let it go, Dwight."

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "It just really, REALLY annoys me when they make fun of MODOK like that…"

"I know Dwight. I know."

Dwight appeared to recover his equilibrium. "Anyway, your opinion of our illustrious and not really just a giant head at all leader doesn't matter! AIM is getting the U-ray!"

"Nuh-uh!" shouted a HYDRA member. "It's going to HYDRA."

"Sadly," said a quiet voice, "you are all wrong." The HYDRA and AIM agents turned. A group of ninjas emerged from the shadows. "The U-ray has been claimed by the Hand, whose reach is as—"

"Oh, screw you ninja boy," muttered an AIM agent. "You guys can boast all you want—you're still packing knives to a gun fight."

"The way of the warrior is a far greater weapon than your pitiful technology," said one ninja loftily. "Our skills allow us to—"

A HYDRA agent shot him in the arm. The ninja collapsed in agony. "You were saying?" asked the HYDRA agent.

"Oh—oh God! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!" screamed the ninja. "I—I think that one chipped a bone!"

"Face it!" chortled another HYDRA agent. "You guys and the funnelheads are going to get slaughtered."

"Hey, don't make fun of our costumes!" cried an AIM agent. "They may be bulky, and they don't look too flashy, but they double our strength."

"So," muttered a Hand ninja, "you can lift two whole pounds now?"

This statement led to more unpleasantness, and so all those present were shouting when the helicopter landed.

"Squabbling, eh?" A man wearing a bisecting suit stepped out, followed by a bunch of lackeys, and a woman clad in flowing robes, and holding a bow. "Typical of rank amateurs."

"Oh, hell," muttered a HYDRA agent. "Zodiac…" The other criminals grumbled in agreement. Zodiac was one of the most universally resented gangs in the criminal underworld. On the one hand, they got their hands on more technology, and loot then most other crime syndicates even dreamed of. On the other hand, such things were soon wasted on Byzantine plots that didn't even make much sense.

"Let's see—Gemini—and Sagittarius," noted an AIM member. "Is this the real you—or is a set of robotic duplicates?"

"Maybe yes," said Gemini, "maybe no." With that he and Sagittarius chuckled.

"Hand over the U-ray," said Sagittarius in a dark whisper, "and when the Zodiac rules over all the—"

A large truck pulled in behind them, toppling over the helicopter.

"Son of a—" shouted Gemini, as he backed away.

"Looks like things aren't going your way…" muttered Dwight the AIM agent.

"And we do have that little—numeric advantage thing," pointed out a HYDRA agent.

"With our skills, it won't help you," stated Sagittarius confidently. "Besides it's not like you losers could ever unite against us."

"Don't bet on it, lady," muttered the wounded Hand ninja. Everyone present turned to look at the truck.

It was a large truck, with a rather tasteless picture of a beautiful woman cradling a bowling pin. A group of scowling men in purple and green bodysuits with a patch showing a bowling ball striking a pin on their foreheads emerged from it. Finally a man clad in what appeared to be mechanized body armor stepped out. "I am Hardstrike. My men and I make up the ideological organization known as Stick and Balls."

"Yes," shouted his men in unison. "That is our name. It is what we are called."

"We will take the U-ray, and use it to restore bowling to its proper place in the world," continued Hardstrike.

"Yes," shouted his men. "That is what we will do. It is the action we will be taking."

The general response to Stick and Balls arrival was close to the reaction that happens when a man in a clown costume arrives at a formal dress party.

"Stick and Balls," muttered an AIM member. "Unfortunate name."

"I know," said a ninja. "I always thought we had it bad. The 'Hand' and all that…"

"So how are you—going to promote bowling…?" asked a HYDRA agent. "With the—U-ray."

"Easy," snorted Hardstrike confidently. "First, we will use the U-ray to destroy all opposing sports. Then, we will demand that bowling be made the national sport—of the world!" He raised his arms in triumph. "We will triumph by the strength of our magnificent sticks, and glorious balls!"

Most of the criminals winced at this—master plan.

With one exception.

"An intriguing plot," said Gemini. "Do you plan to involve robots in it?"

"No," said Hardstrike. "That would be silly."

Back at the SHIELD van, Cross was panicking. "Damn it—how did so many get here?"

"There must be a leak," said Exposition calmly.

"A leak?!" cried Michael. "A leak would be one of them knowing about it. This is a freakin' gouge!" He glanced outside. "Okay, they're still debating salvage rights. Let's run for it. We can make it to the rendezvous point, and alert SHIELD security."

"I think you're forgetting the first duty of every SHIELD agent," said Exposition, patriotism dripping from his voice. "To die in the line of duty, so that Nick Fury looks more impressive."

Cross stared at him, dumbfounded. "You know, Henry, I always knew you were crazy, but I never thought you were insane." He got out of the van, and started to run. A shot rang out. Michael looked up weakly, to see Exposition holding a smoking pistol. "Y-you betrayed me…" he muttered, startled.

"Actually, by running you betrayed both me and SHIELD, you pinko rat bastard," corrected Exposition.

This point apparently so mortified Cross, that he died.

Henry turned to the criminals. "Terribly sorry about that. He just wasn't cut out for this kind of work. Now then, shall we get this over with?" He raised his pistol. "For SHIELD!" With that, Henry Exposition charged forward.

In five seconds, he took sixteen gun shots, five shruiken, and a bowling ball to the head.

"Good shot," commented a ninja to Hardstrike.

"Thank you," replied Hardstrike. "I pride myself on my aim. If I cannot perfect my skills, then I am not worthy of my magnificent Stick and Balls."

There was an awkward silence.

"So," muttered an AIM member, "which of us will get the U-ray?"

Someone cleared their throat. "I believe the correct answer is 'none of you'."

It took everyone a moment to realize that the speaker was a pale young man in a rather expansive cape that had somehow wound up standing in the middle of them. He fidgeted nervously, as all eyes went on him. "Mind you—I'm just guessing. No need to take it seriously…"

"Who are you…?" said Sagittarius suspiciously.

"I'm Dr. Strange," stated the young man with a nervous chuckle. He raised his hand. "Now, please back away from the van so that this whole affair ends to the satisfaction of all."

"Or what…?" muttered a HYDRA agent menacingly.

A shimmying vortex appeared in Dr. Strange's hand. "Or else, I will unleash the POWER OF THE TEMPEST!" A great blast of wind sent most of his opponents to their feet. "Winds! Buffet them! Lightning! Stun them! Rains! Umm…get them wet…" Elemental powers surged around him, tossing around the various agents as if they were kindling. In a few moments, most of the agents were lying prone on the ground, with the exception of those who were lying prone in trees, and prone on the tops of buildings.

Hikaru glanced around, surprised. "That went immensely better than expected," he commented quietly.

At that moment an arrow buried itself in the ground at his feet.

"Halt evildoer!" came a high voice.

Hikaru rolled his eyes and whimpered. "Oh, perfect…" He turned.

"I don't know what you're doing here," announced Kagome in a lofty tone she considered awe-inspiring, "I just know that I don't like it."

Hikaru sighed. "Well, it's good to know you put a lot of thought into this…"

Kagome leveled another arrow at him. "Hey! No mocking of my epic struggle against darkness! I demand you explain yourself…"

Hikaru began to massage his forehead. He was really starting to wonder what this job was going to do to his health even if he did manage to avoid being eaten by something out of an H.R. Giger picture. "Look, you strange Halloween costume wearing girl, I really don't care what you think—"

It was at that moment Hikaru heard the sound of something hurtling through the air at great speed. He took a step to the right. And then two more, just to stay on the safe side.

Inu-Yasha landed uneasily next to him, about three steps off.

Hikaru glanced at him, then at Kagome. "Pardon me, is this your pet?"

"Son of Satan!" yelled Kagome. "You were supposed to get him with a flying tackle!"

"I tried!" shouted back Inu-Yasha. "He sorta moved on me!"

"Oh, I'm tired of these constant excuses…"

"Son of Satan?" stated Hikaru flatly, eyes watching Kagome with a combination of levity and despair.

"That's right!" chirped Kagome. "He's Son of Satan, and I'm Hellcat!"

"Of course you are," said Hikaru with a pitying nod.

"Hey, we're an up and coming superheroic duo!"

"I've no doubt."

Kagome pouted. "You should take us seriously."

Hikaru sighed. "Look, I'm guessing you two were bitten by radioactive wombats or something along those lines…"

"That's not our origin at all!" cried Kagome. "You see one day, I went to this old well—"

"I don't care about your origin," muttered Hikaru. "My point is just because you've got X-ray vision doesn't mean you should go blithely skipping off to make the world safe for fruit pies! Leave it to the professionals." Even when they've only had a week of training and don't quite feel up to the job, he added internally.

"We are professionals," said Kagome. "Professional good guys."

She was, Hikaru thought, exactly the sort of person who got themselves and others killed. Often in a slow, painful manner. "Look, normally I'd be nicer about this, but the truth is I reached my crazy crap limit an hour ago, and all I want to do is finish my work here, get home, soak in the tub, and come up with a compelling reason not to take the toaster in with me." He took a deep breath. "So please, just let me get done here. And just—be careful."

"HA!" said Kagome triumphantly. "Nice try villain! But unfortunately for you, that Shinken shard in your pocket gives the truth away!"

Inu-Yasha glanced at her. "Can I grab him now?"

Kagome nodded. "You can grab him now."

Inu-Yasha grabbed Hikaru by the shirt. "All right creep, I don't know what your game is…"

"Well—I like Reversi…" Hikaru coughed. "Look, about the shard—I'm really just holding it. For someone else. Really." He flashed Inu-Yasha a grin.

Inu-Yasha snorted. "A likely story."

Hikaru shut his eyes. "You seem very sure of yourself for a man covered in scorpions."

Inu-Yasha glanced down at his shoulders, then blinked. "Sc-scorpions…?" He let out a piercing scream and dropped Hikaru, then began to beat wildly at his shirt. "Get them off! Get them off!"

Hikaru stood up, dusted off his cloak, and glanced at Kagome. "Now, as for you, you've begun to irritate me, so I suggest you go do a mazurka."

Kagome stared at him, puzzled. "What's a mazurka?"

"A sort of jig," replied Hikaru.

"They're crawlin' up my back!" screamed Inu-Yasha. "Oh my God! They're crawlin' up my back!"

Kagome coughed. "What's a jig?"

Hikaru began to squint in a manner that suggested a great deal of annoyance. "A variety of dance known for its energetic motions, and the fact that it can be danced solo."

"Oh!" said Kagome.

"They're wrigglin'! They're wrigglin'! Oh-oh-no-did I just feel a STING? Please no!"

Kagome raised her bow. "I don't think I'll do it."

Hikaru's eyes widened. "Oh, crap…"

Kagome loosed her arrow.

Hikaru shut his eyes, and raised his hand in panic.

The arrow dissolved in midair with an audible pop.

Hikaru opened his eyes, and glanced up. He looked around for a moment, and then gave a relieved laugh. "Great. All my internal organs remain internal."

Kagome gulped.

"There's one crawlin' up my neck! There's one crawlin' up my neck!" squealed Inu-Yasha.

Kagome grabbed him, angrily. "Inu-Yasha! I need your help!"

Inu-Yasha screamed. "Don't get 'em angry, Kagome! They might sting!" He began to twitch. "Oh, NO, PLEASE, NOT NOW!"

Kagome frowned. "There are NO scorpions on you!"

"Can't you see them? Big hairy ones—with claws—an' stingers, drippin' with venom…"

"No scorpions!" shouted Kagome.

Inu-Yasha calmed a moment, then glanced himself over, surprised. "Umm, Kagome?"

Kagome glanced at him, concerned. "Yes?"

"Why'd I think I was covered in scorpions? Hell, why'd that frighten me anyway?"

"He did some evil mind thing on you," said Kagome, glaring at Hikaru.

Inu-Yasha looked at him and snarled. "Nobody plays with my mind."

"Is that an issue of principles, or do they just have problems finding it?" asked Hikaru.

Inu-Yasha drew his sword, and rushed at him. "That's it! You're dead, freak!!!"

I've got to stop insulting these people, thought Hikaru. They're all so…touchy…

Inu-Yasha slashed at Hikaru with a mighty blow that would have cleft him in twain, had it actually hit.

Hikaru stared at the bare patch of ground the Tetsaiga was presently lodged in, then glanced at Inu-Yasha. "That was close."

Inu-Yasha jerked his sword free, and took another swing.

"I'm sorry about the scorpions, all right?" stated Hikaru. "Does that make you happy?"

Inu-Yasha grumbled to himself. It wasn't that his opponent was especially fast—in fact he didn't seem to even dodge his blows. He just had a way of being somewhere other than where you aimed…

Inu-Yasha took another swing, screamed to himself, and then followed with a heavy swipe down that should have by all rights left Hikaru with a very large gap in his skull. "Will you just get hit?" screamed Inu-Yasha in frustration.

Hikaru stepped slightly to the side. "Sorry, but while I've no doubt it's a fascinating experience to be skewered by a gigantic blade, I'm going to have to pass on it. My deepest regrets."

Inu-Yasha was about to try for another swing, when the answer came to him. Don't aim… Just attack… He charged forward, and managed a wild stab.

Hikaru just barely managed to grab the sword as it plunged towards his skull. "Look…" he muttered, as Inu-Yasha pressed Tetsaiga towards his head, "I thought I made myself clear—NOT getting skewered by the sword…" Slowly a reddish glow spread over the blade as Hikaru tried to push it back through an act of Will.

He succeeded. Barely.

"I'm not letting you beat me!" screamed Inu-Yasha.

"We can call it a draw!" cried back Hikaru. "I find that solution very admirable!" Despite his efforts, the sword was creeping forward, towards his rather vulnerable skull.

It was at that moment that something neither of them was expecting happened.

"SIT!" cried Kagome.

Inu-Yasha fell forwards with enough force to unbalance Hikaru, who fell backwards with a few feet away from the half demon. His falling also tore loose Tetsaiga. The blade soared briefly in the air, then fell to the ground, where, Hikaru could not help but note, it landed only inches away from wiping out the existence of the Gosunkugi family name in all future generations.

"What'd ya do that for?" cried Inu-Yasha to Kagome as she rushed forward.

"I'm so sorry!" said Kagome plaintively.

"Well, that's more like it…" muttered Inu-Yasha, as he righted himself.

Kagome ran past him to Hikaru. "We thought you were a supervillain! We really had no idea…"

"That," muttered Hikaru, with icy dignity, "was obvious." He took a deep breath. "But you're forgiven! Go buy yourself ice cream! Some place far, far away!"

Inu-Yasha started. "Bu-but…" He let out a low scream. "What's goin' on?" He pointed at Hikaru. "We were fightin' him!"

Kagome gave him a glare that immediately made Inu-Yasha wish he were somewhere else, and quite possibly someone else as well. "Inu-Yasha! Don't you realize who he is? He's a superhero!"

Inu-Yasha blinked. "How'd ya figure that?"

Kagome gave a cheerful laugh. "Through logic! He's got a Shinken shard—but he isn't using it! Only a good guy would do that, 'cause all bad guys are out for as much power as they can get. And 'cause no ordinary man could grab Tetsaiga, I realized we were with a fellow superhero!"

The look on Inu-Yasha's face made it clear he didn't think much of her logic.

The furtive glance on Hikaru's face made it clear he didn't either, but that he also felt no burning need to dissuade her.

Kagome missed that glance, even as she went to grab his arm. "Like I said, I'm so sorry about that mix-up." From her tone, a person would guess this was about a mistake involving house keys instead of a potentially deadly struggle. "We're thrilled to meet you!" She turned to Inu-Yasha, and gave him a pointed glance. "Aren't we?"

"Yeah," said Inu-Yasha. "Thrilled."

"So…" Kagome paused, clearly puzzled. "Hey, I didn't catch your name…" she stated cheery.

"That's because I didn't say it," replied Hikaru dourly.

"Oh." Kagome gave him a piteous look.

Hikaru shoved his hands in his pockets, and glanced around awkwardly. "Dr. Strange."

"Wow!" Kagome beamed at him. "That is a good name!" She glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Isn't it, Son of Satan?"

Inu-Yasha grimaced. "Well, it sure as hell beats MINE!" He leaned forward urgently. "Can we at least go back to our REAL names in private, Kagome? This is gettin' ridiculous…"

"Quiet, Son of Satan!" hissed Kagome. "And call me Hellcat!"

Hikaru walked ahead quietly. They seemed busy, which meant he could just take care of the shard here and leave.

"Hey! Whatcha doin'?" said Kagome cheerfully.

Hikaru shuddered slightly. "Just taking care of this pesky little Shiken shard…"

Kagome gave another enthusiastic nod. "Oh, Son of Satan and I can help! We have a duty to collect those things…"

"About time you remembered that…" muttered Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru glanced around. Something was wrong, and he had an awful idea what it was. "That's nice," he said absently.

Kagome gave a cheerful laugh. "I just want to say this is an honor." She leaned forward so that she dominated Hikaru's field of vision. "We're eager to learn at the metaphorical feet of an experienced superhero such as yourself."

"Speak for yourself," said Inu-Yasha peevishly.

"Inu-Yasha!" whispered Kagome harshly.

"He covered me in SCORPIONS!"

"Not really," pointed out Kagome. "He just made you think you were. Which makes it your fault."

"OH COME ON!!" cried Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru was holding his palm to his forehead as if in great pain. "Umm, Hellcat—I have my first lesson for you."

"Really?" said Kagome.

Hikaru nodded. "When trying to apprehend a deadly superweapon powered by evil magic, do not fight your fellow heroes so that villains can get away with said deadly superweapon."

Kagome mused on this. "Doesn't seem like that will happen too often…"

"Oh, once is enough," muttered Hikaru, as he looked at the back of the SHIELD van, where the U-ray was only conspicuous in its absence.

-----

"Hurry my men!" shouted Hardstrike. "We must not allow our magnificent Stick and Balls to be defeated!"

"We are hurrying! Hurrying is what we are doing!" cried his men in unison.

Hardstrike smiled. While lesser men had been tossed around like leaves by the sorcerer's little spell, his men had been fine, no doubt to their superior dedication, and strength.

Also, the fact that they lugged around three or four bowling balls apiece may have had something to do with it.

-----

A short distance away, IT waited. IT was very happy. Things were just about to go exactly the way IT wanted them to.

-----

Hikaru was flying at a comfortable clip, with Inu-Yasha and Kagome keeping even keel with him on the ground.

"So," stated Hikaru evenly, "let me see if I've got this straight. You, Kagome, alias Hellcat, are a reincarnated Shinto shrine maiden, who can cast spells through magic arrows. You, Inu-Yasha, alias Son of Satan, are a half-demon from the Warring States period with a magic sword, who has become stuck in the modern age. Together you fight crime."

Kagome glanced up and gave him a chipper grin. "That's right!"

Hikaru gave a low sigh. "My life has become a bad high concept buddy movie. Wonderful."

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru resentfully. "So what do you want us to do?"

Hikaru seemed to ignore the surliness in his voice. Seemed to being the operative word. "Stop the insane supervillains-slash-bowling enthusiasts before they do something stupid with their new toy."

At that moment, a blimp floating nearby advertising a local baseball match exploded in a spectacular purple blast.

Hikaru's eyes narrowed into tight, bitter slits. "A slight change of plans—stop them before they do anything else that's stupid with their new toy."

-----

"Ha-ha-ha! A glorious victory for our Stick and Balls!" cackled Hardstrike as the blimp's debris fell to the ground. "And now, to Tokyodome, which has failed for years to acknowledge the greatness of our noble sport."

"We will do this!" cried his minions. "That is the thing that we will do!"

"There are some things I will not allow," said a quiet voice. Hikaru hovered twenty feet above the would-be supervillains, looking down in a very irritated manner. "One is the triumph of bowling fans in acts of mass destruction. Soccer fans—maybe, but bowling fans—definitely not." He began to wring his hands. "I mean can you just see it? It'd be ridiculous." He shook his head. "Next thing we know, stamp collectors and mimes will be rioting on the streets. There'd be anarchy—sheer anarchy."

Hardstrike crossed his arms imposingly. "Well, well, the good Dr. Strange…"

Hikaru sighed. "So you can remember someone you saw a few minutes ago. I'm happy for you. Now, hand me the U-ray, and nobody will get hurt."

"An amusing notion," declared Hardstrike loftily. "Destroy him men!"

Half a dozen men raised their bowling balls, and then, for some strange reason, smashed themselves in the stomach with them.

Hikaru shook his head. "Why don't they listen to me…? Why do they have to prove how tough they are…?"

Hardstrike posed dramatically. "Silence fool! None shall mock our Stick and Balls!"

Hikaru winced. "God that's a painfully bad name."

Hardstrike waved his fist. "You continue to mock our Stick and Balls!"

"Please stop," groaned Hikaru.

"Why do you dare suggest that there is something wrong with being proud of the marvelous sight that is our Stick and—"

"I will not allow that sentence to be completed," declared Hikaru. "So listen, you strange twisted little man, this matter is now finished. You can surrender now, or face the consequences."

"And what would those be?" asked Hardstrike with contempt.

"I'll have my compatriots, who have been getting themselves into position while we were talking, ambush you, while I take care of the leftovers."

Kagome popped up out of the bushes. "Hey, Dr. Strange, was that the signal to attack?"

Hikaru's hand hit his forehead with an audible slap. His left eyebrow twitched. "Yes, you twit. That was the signal."

Kagome looked rather affronted. "Well, excuse me for asking questions."

"Get her!" shouted Hardstrike. "In the name of our glorious Stick and Balls!"

"I am going to be so very, very happy when I take you down," Hikaru stated.

"We will get her." shouted the bowling minions. "Getting her is what we will do shortly."

"Eek," squealed Kagome, loosing an arrow.

It streaked out, and buried itself in the ground before the Stick and Balls members. They stared at it a little while before bursting out into laugher. "Ha-ha, little girl! Your aim is worthy of mockery! We mock your aim!" They stepped forward in unison, their bowling balls raised.

Kagome shivered slightly.

At that moment, the arrow dissolved into goo, turning the ground into a substance that greatly resembled quicksand. "Arrgh, we are sinking!" cried roughly half the minions. "Sinking is what we are doing."

The other half cried. "They are sinking. Sinking is what they are doing."

"Throw your balls at them!" shouted Hardstrike.

"I did not need to hear that," muttered Hikaru.

Those of Hardstrike's followers who were still capable of motion raised their bowling balls.

That was when Inu-Yasha leaped down on them and with a combination of kicks, punches, and elbow slams remedied that condition.

"Well, at least one of you understands the concept of a 'surprise attack'!" commented Hikaru acidly.

"I got confused is all," said Kagome dismissively.

"And you might have gotten dead," retorted Hikaru. "Please try to remember that fact…"

"There is still a chance for it to occur!" shouted Hardstrike, lofting up his U-ray.

"Oh, crap," muttered Hikaru, giving himself a good, solid kick in the rear mentally.

"Now you will see what happens to those who oppose the unimaginable glory that is my—" began Hardstrike, but he never finished that statement, as IT came out and devoured him whole, swallowing the U-ray along with it.

"You know," said Hikaru, "I'm actually torn here. On the one hand, I'm relieved that I no longer have to listen to him. On the other, I know we are now in a much more dangerous situation…"

Kagome gulped. "Maybe it's a good guy…"

"That eats PEOPLE WHOLE?!!" screamed Hikaru.

"I was just accentuating the positive…" muttered Kagome.

Inu-Yasha leaped forward, sword drawn. "Enough chattin', it's time to kick ass!"

IT promptly grabbed him, and threw him against the wall.

"Inu-Yasha!" cried Kagome rushing to his side.

"Well, that was an inspiring display of martial talent…" muttered Hikaru.

"Silence puny mortals!" shouted one of the three mouths IT possessed.

"For before you stands an ancient spirit of destruction…" stated the second mouth.

"Quiver at your lord mortals," chortled the third mouth. "Quiver at the presence of—MR. WIGGLESWORTH!"

The first mouth actually beat Hikaru, Kagome, and Inu-Yasha to the question, "Mr. Wigglesworth?"

The third mouth almost seemed to shrug. "Well, it's not like they can even comprehend our true name, so I thought, why not Mr. Wigglesworth?"

"Why not something menacing?" asked the first mouth. "Something like Goreslsh! Or Rendarr!"

"Oh, everyone's always doing something like that! I want to think outside the box—break the proverbial mold…"

"But now we look ridiculous!" shouted the first mouth. "Back me up on this Number Two."

"Actually, I rather like it," said Number Two. "I for one am tired of all the stereotypes that entities in our profession face!"

"So you're for calling ourselves 'Mr. Wigglesworth'?"

Number Two sighed. "Look, seeing as we're going to tear through these people like a knife through damp paper, I think we can call ourselves whatever we want…"

"But—come on—MR. WIGGLESWORTH!!!"

"Ahem," coughed Hikaru. "As fascinating as all this is, I really want to get home, so if you'll do me the tremendous favor of BURNING THE EVERLASTING FLAMES OF THE FALTINE!" Hikaru channeled forth a gout of bright flame that burned hotter and purer than any fire on Earth, completely engulfing the (mostly) self-designated Mr. Wigglesworth.

When the flames cleared, IT stood there, unharmed.

"Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap…" Hikaru stated backing away slowly. "Oh veritable mountain of crap…"

"A lordly effort mortal, but with the power of the Shiken protecting this body, I am quite invulnerable!" stated Number Two.

"Indeed," began Number Three. "Nothing can harm the adamant skin of Mr. Wigglesworth!"

"Ohhh! There he goes again!" shouted Number One. "Please—I'm begging you—any name but that!"

"Hmm…" murmured Number Three. "How about 'J-Lo'? I think that sounds delightfully saucy…"

"Great…" muttered Number One. "Now I'm actually reconsidering 'Mr. Wigglesworth'…"

"I knew it would grow on you…" stated Number Two confidently.

Hikaru had finally reached Kagome and Inu-Yasha. "All right. Plan A: Blow the monster into fiery cinders was a failure, so I'm going to suggest we start on Plan B."

"What's that?" Kagome said eagerly.

"Run like hell."

Inu-Yasha glanced at IT. "Look, if I have to choose between 'Slim Shady' and 'Mr. Wigglesworth', then I'll go with 'Mr. Wigglesworth' but all that I'm saying…"

Inu-Yasha glanced back at Hikaru. "I'm with you. Somethin' tells me this guy's really gonna be in a mood to dish out pain when he gets finished…"

"Well, I'm not!" said Kagome.

"Pardon me, what did you say?" said Hikaru quietly, his face a blank mask.

"Darn it, we're superheroes! Our motto is 'do or die'!"

Hikaru coughed. "Actually my motto is 'maximize the doing, minimize the dying'…"

"But—! " sulked Kagome.

"It's a good motto," said Hikaru.

"But—! " sulked Kagome more emphatically.

"Are you saying that it isn't a good motto?" said Hikaru, crossing his arms. "Look, I acknowledge it might not be the best, but it's all I've got. The only other motto I can think of is 'Buy low, sell high, and avoid radical speculation'."

"But—! " sulked Kagome, her voice drowning in urgency.

"That don't sound very superheroic…" Inu-Yasha stated.

Hikaru shrugged. "My father's an investment banker, so it's all I could think of on short notice…"

"But—! " sulked Kagome, her voice now in the pitch of need.

Inu-Yasha gave an absent nod. "Right." He glanced at Kagome. "Psst. What's an 'invested men banker'?"

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU TWO!" shouted Kagome, who promptly took aim at Mr. Wigglesworth, and fired.

"Okay, now I'm sorry I even brought this up…" began Number One, when the arrow bounced off what was more or less its forehead. "Hey, who shot that at me?"

"Hey, you actually hit somethin'" said Inu-Yasha.

"I believe it was those mortals!" stated Number Three.

"How rude! Let's go teach them a lesson."

Hikaru glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Okay, here's the corollary to Plan B—you pick up Kagome—then we run like hell…"

Inu-Yasha glanced at him. "The—word of command?"

"Right," said Hikaru with a nod. "The ancillary to the corollary, then…"

Kagome stared at him. "Hey, what are…?"

At that moment what looked like a crimson band-aid affixed itself to her mouth. She glanced at it at surprise and anger, and then began to try to take it off. She didn't have much luck.

"How…?" asked Inu-Yahsa.

"The Crimson Bands of Cyttorak," Hikaru stated matter-of-factly, as he started to head away. "Don't worry, it's porous."

-----

"He's gainin' on us!" said Inu-Yasha worriedly. Kagome was resting on his shoulders, finally too tired to hit him.

"Technically, I don't know if that's a he…." replied Hikaru.

"What?"

"Well I highly doubt that Mr. Wigglesworth actually has any gender at all," said Hikaru. "I mean, can you just see that eldritch horror going home to the missus…? I can't, and I don't wan—Oh crap."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a wall here, that's what's wrong!" said Hikaru, gesturing emphatically.

"So?" asked Inu-Yasha. "You can just fly over it."

"Hikaru nodded. "Rather easily. With my eyes closed, in fact. So, what are you going to do, my fine furry friend?"

Inu-Yasha gave a confident snort. "I'll just climb it."

"Holding Kagome? With our gruesome acquaintance hot on your tail?"

Inu-Yasha froze. "Umm…" He shut his eyes. "Damn."

"Didn't think about it, did you?"

Inu-Yasha fumed. "Okay, smart guy, do you have an idea…?"

Hikaru nodded. "Actually, yes." He walked forward. "You will climb the wall, taking Kagome with you." He turned around, glancing down the alleyway. "Meanwhile, I will stay here and keep the damned thing from getting you." A bluish wall appeared at the end of the alleyway. "There. This should hold him—as long as I maintain it…"

Inu-Yasha stared at him. "Wha—? You'll be killed?" Kagome's expression was that of a little child who's just discovered that Santa Claus isn't real.

"Nonsense." Hikaru gave a dismissive wave. "Anyway, I'm just fulfilling the whole 'minimize the dying' part of my motto. So please run along. I'm getting teary-eyed."

Inu-Yasha stared at him with something that, if it wasn't quite respect, could call respect a relative without too much fiddling with the family tree. And then he and Kagome were gone. Hikaru felt them move away, and nodded. "See you on the other side, I guess—whatever that turns out to be…" Mr. Wigglesworth was tearing through his barrier far faster than he'd hoped—but still, it had been enough. He should drop it—

Mr. Wigglesworth burst through the barrier.

Soon.

"Well, tasty man-thing," Mouth Number One began, "soon I will be flaying your skin…"

"Shredding your flesh…" said Mouth Number Two.

"—And masticating your bones!" declared Mouth Number Three.

"Oh, do you have to say that?" asked Number One. "It makes us look like a jerk…"

"Come on! It just means chewing!"

"It's pretentious, and irritating! Back me up here Number Two!"

"Uh-uh," muttered Number Two. "Leave me out of this…"

"Well," stated Number One, "the basic point is—we'll kill you, eat you, and do all this in a painful manner."

"Damn straight," said Number Three.

Hikaru gulped slightly at this. When he'd gotten himself into this position of noble self-sacrifice, he'd possessed a quiet belief in the back of his mind that somehow, he was going to think of a way out of it. That seemed—less likely now.

That's when it hit him—a plan so ridiculous, he knew it would never work.

"Oh, my goodness! What is that behind you?" Hikaru pointed.

Is it obvious? Yes. Ludicrious? Absolutely. But I defy anybody to pull anything better out of their ass when the face—or faces of dire calamity are gaping at them from a distance of seconds, Hikaru thought to himself.

Mr. Wigglesworth entire body froze. "Something behind us…?" said Number Two, biting its lip.

"That could be trouble…" stated Number Three.

"Or a trick," pointed out Number One.

"But can we take that chance?" shouted Number Three.

"Oh—I hate it when this happens…" said Number Two. "Something cool is probably happening behind us…"

"Or something dire," pointed out Number One.

"Oh, let's turn around and see," said Number Three. "I can't stand the suspense."

"Fine, if you insist," said Number One.

Mr. Wigglesworth turned around.

After a moment, IT coughed.

"Umm, mortal-thing—there doesn't seem to be anything here…"

There wasn't a reply.

Mr. Wigglesworth looked over what served IT as a shoulder.

Hikaru, it seemed, had vanished.

-----

A reasonable distance away, in a small utility shack, Kagome was screaming at Inu-Yasha.

"—You left him to die!"

"You weren't complainin' then!" retorted Inu-Yasha.

"That's because I was gagged!" Kagome shouted. "I couldn't speak if I wanted to!"

"Oh," muttered Inu-Yasha awkwardly. "Right…"

"I mean the first real superhero we meet, and now we might never see him again!"

It was at that moment that Hikaru appeared before her, looking very wan.

"Dr. Strange!" she shouted cheerfully.

Hikaru threw up on her shoes.

About a minute later, Hikaru was cleaning off her shoes with a hasty magick, and apologizing. "Teleporting unbalances my stomach, and…"

"It's all right," Kagome said cheerfully. "After all, how many people can say they've been vomited on by a superhero?"

Hikaru stared at her for a while. "You scare me, you know that? You scare me in a fundamental way I cannot begin to describe…"

Kagome ignored this statement. "So what should we do now?"

Hikaru drew a large book out of the folds of his cloak. "Give me a moment. I'll come up with something…"

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru suspiciously. "How come ya didn't suggest that 'telypor tayshun' thing when we were running from ugly?"

Hikaru looked up from his book. "There is an easy answer to that. Do you want my foot up your ass?"

Inu-Yasha started. "Hey! I don' take kindly to threats!"

Hikaru shrugged. "It wasn't a threat. I really don't have teleportation down yet."

Inu-Yasha blinked and glanced nervously away.

"Ahh!" said Hikaru. "Found it! 'Protective wards'."

"Protective wards!" said Kagome excitedly, taking a piece of rice paper, a brush pen, and a small jar of ink from a pouch in her quiver. "Hellcat is on the job!"

"Since when do you know how to do paper wards?" asked Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru began to chant. "Hoggith—I invoke thee! By thy powers, let the way be blocked!"

Kagome glanced at Inu-Yasha, irritated. "Living in a shrine does have its advantages. I had Grandpa give me a lesson last week."

"I think I remember that one," said Inu-Yasha, glancing away. "Ya fell asleep during it…"

"Agomotto—Blind the vision of those who seek the way!" continued Hikaru.

"I did not fall asleep!" said Kagome petulantly. "I just rested my eyes, a moment…"

"Kagome, you were droolin'…" Inu-Yasha stated levelly.

"Osshur—Greatest of the Three! May your power destroy those who attempt to force their way in!"

"I DON'T DROOL!"

"Oh, I suppose you gotta twin, then?"

"By the name and authority of the Vishanti let the way be sealed! Let it be so!"

Kagome turned away from Inu-Yasha and tried to finish up her scroll. "I don't have time for this."

Inu-Yasha looked the scroll over. "Yer doin' it wrong!"

Hikaru glanced over the glowing barrier of mystic symbols that now covered the shed's walls. "Well, that seems to be finished…"

"Oh, what do you know about protective wards?" Kagome shouted at Inu-Yasha.

"More then you, looks like!" Inu-Yasha shouted back.

"Ahem, as I was saying…" stated Hikaru quietly.

"Oh, yeah?!" screamed Kagome.

"Yeah!" screamed Inu-Yasha.

"AS I was saying…" added Hikaru worriedly.

"Yeah?" screamed Kagome.

"Yeah!" screamed Inu-Yasha.

"AS I WAS SAYING!!!" shouted Hikaru at the top of his lungs. Inu-Yasha and Kagome watched as he took a deep breath. "The wards are up." He smiled. "Now I've no doubt you can get back to your fascinating, and deep discussion."

The pair looked around nervously. Finally, Inu-Yasha ventured a question. "They'll hold?"

"Till doomsday," muttered Hikaru.

Kagome's eyes spread in wonder. "Wow…"

Hikaru sighed. "Don't be so impressed. It's probably about three hours away." He glanced out the window. "Do you know what that thing is? It is an Elder God, to which the powers of demons are as the might of flies before a man." Hikaru coughed, slightly, and continued. "In the beginning, the world was inhabited by beings of great power, and might, but they were rowdy, and violated their tenant agreement, and thus were given the boot. Ever since then, they have drunkenly beat against the doors and windows of this plane, promising sweets to whoever lets them in, and swearing up and down they won't rampage, at least, not too much." Hikaru paused. "But they are lying. Still, every now and then, some mental case with delusions of grandeur takes one of them up on it, and much hilarity ensues."

He noticed Kagome was staring at him, puzzled.

"I'm being sarcastic. I think the only people who find it hilarious are the Elder Gods, and those morons who like shows where they get people to eat live cockroaches, and set their pants on fire."

"Oh," said Kagome, her confused look vanishing. A bright, cheery smile took its place. "So what are we going to do to stop it?"

"I'll handle it…" said Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru gave him a sidelong glance. "Like you did last time…?"

Inu-Yasha glowered. "That was just luck…"

Hikaru nodded. "Well, he didn't split your skull open, so, yes, it was." He shut his eyes. "This is an Elder God we're talking about. Even if it isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, you're still just the other white meat, where it's concerned."

Kagome screwed up her face in puzzlement again. "Isn't that pork?"

Hikaru rubbed his temples gingerly. It made sense that the cosmos would saddle him with allies whose ability to discern sarcasm was decidedly subpar.

That didn't make it enjoyable, by any stretch of the imagination.

"So what should we do, smart guy?" asked Inu-Yasha snarkily.

"Right," said Kagome eagerly, ignoring Inu-Yasha's tone. "What's your plan?"

Hikaru blinked. They apparently were genuinely looking towards his opinion for guidance. This had never happened to him, in his entire life, not even on where to eat, much less rampaging monstrosities dedicated to the end of all life.

And the worst part was he had no idea what to do.

"Dr. Strange?" Kagome asked concernedly. "What's your plan?"

Hikaru bit his lips nervously. "Plan. Right. What have I got planned…?" He rubbed his chin meditatively. "Well—Kagome, you look a lot like a chicken, so…"

"What?!"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Sorry. I'm just smashing random elements together to create a course of action." He sighed. "It doesn't always work, especially on short notice."

Kagome gave him a grin so utterly chipper that it not only failed to cheer him up, but it actually made him doubt her sanity. "Don't worry, Dr. Strange. A superhero like you is a match for any number of Elder Gods."

Hikaru sighed. It was time to come clean. Decency, and his own sanity wouldn't let this charade go on any longer. "I'm not a superhero."

Kagome and Inu-Yasha both glanced at him surprised. "Y-you're not?" stammered Kagome. "B-but—you can fly—and shoot fire—and…"

"That's because I'm a sorcerer," Hikaru stated patiently. "But—I only decided to call myself a superhero because it would make my job easier. I never really was one."

Inu-Yasha scratched his chin. "Your—job?"

Hikaru shrugged. "I have been instructed by my slightly daffy teacher, the Ancient One to defend our world from demonic invaders, and similar threats to its exceedingly fragile stability." Hikaru took a deep breath. "I was just starting out when we met, though I have to say, I was making a pretty good run of it…"

"So—wait," interrupted Inu-Yasha. "Your teacher sent you out alone to take on demonic hordes?"

Hikaru stared at him through lidded eyes. "That is exactly what I just said, yes…"

"And you did it?"

Hikaru began to rub his forehead. "Well, again, yes, as otherwise, we wouldn't be talking now, would we?"

Inu-Yasha simply looked at him awkwardly for a moment, then asked bluntly, "Why?"

Hikaru gave an exasperated sigh. That was an exceedingly sensible question of the sort Hikaru usually asked himself. "Because I went to the Ancient One and asked him to change my life—and he did. You don't ask a total stranger to paint your room some wild color and then object because he chose neon pink. Not if you have any sense. And—well, the world really needs someone to do this right now, and I seem to be the guy who's landed the position." Hikaru shook his head. "Not that I'm happy about that. But none of that's important right now. The point is, I'm not a superhero. I'm just a man who has an unpleasant job he has to do. Like a garbage man. Or a proctologist."

Inu-Yasha and Kagome were staring at him their expression those of utter shock. Well, thought Hikaru, at least this will take care of that damned hero worship I was getting. Of course they'll probably want to tear me apart limb by limb, but given what's probably going to happen, that might be a better way to go.

Finally, Kagome broke the silence. "Wow. You really are a superhero."

Hikaru blinked. "What?"

Kagome struck a pose. "If there is one thing I have learnt about heroes, from my years of comic reading, it's that the ones who go on denying their heroism while continuing to selflessly serve their fellow man are the greatest heroes of all." She grabbed his hand and gave it an enthusiastic squeeze. "I'm so honored that you've chosen to let me serve by your side. It must be fate…"

Hikaru was about to note that he hadn't chosen anything, and that if fate was involved it was probably in the form of bad karma, when he noticed Inu-Yasha nodding. "I don't buy all this superhero stuff the way Kagome does, but I don' think I would do what you have, if I was in your shoes, which means yer either brave as hell, or crazy as can be. Probably both."

Hikaru glared at him. "Thanks. I'm touched by your faint praise."

Inu-Yasha shrugged. "Hey, bein' crazy and brave's a pretty winning combination. If anyone can get us out of this situation, it's you…"

Hikaru winced. Okay, so he seemed to have made them more impressed. Fine. Sometimes, you just have to take things in their stride. He shut his eyes. He really needed a plan. So, what did they have? My magic, and brains—such as they are… Inu-Yasha's swordplay and muscle—not that either did much good earlier… Kagome's archery and—umm, well, enthusiasm, I guess….

Hikaru sighed. It wasn't much. In fact, it was piteously little. Still, things could be worse. Mr. Wigglesworth could be a lot smarter than it actually was.

And that's when the idea it him, with all the force of mackerel slapping a man in the face. "All right," Hikaru began. "I think I've got it…"

-----

Hikaru was strolling quietly alone on the rooftop. After a while, he began to sing.

"Oh, I got the solitary victim—strolling stupidly alone blues. Yes—the solitary victim—strolling stupidly alone blues. Oh, I'm gonna scream and shot—when the giant monster rips my insides out. Yes, the solitary victim—strolling stupidly alone blues…"

At that moment Mr. Wigglesworth smashed through the roof. "Your singing is off-key," muttered Mouth Number One.

"And your song lacks intellectual merit, and a catchy hook," noted Mouth Number Two.

"Actually, I kind of liked it," said Mouth Number Three. "Solitary victim—strolling stupidly alone blues…"

"Oh, shut up…" said Numbers One and Two.

"Don't listen to Number Three…" said Number One. "I for one am only associated with him by unhappy chance…"

Number Three frowned. "Hmmph. Never a word of appreciation from you…"

Number Two sighed. "Guys, let's stay focused on the task at hand—killing the magician."

Number Three laughed. "That's right! I nearly forgot about that one…"

Number One sneered. "Any last words, before we tear you limb from limb, and feast on your juicy entrails…?"

Hikaru gestured behind Mr. Wigglesworth. "Oh my goodness! What's that behind you?"

Number Two snorted. "Oh, how clever…"

"Ingenious…" chortled Number Three.

"Listen, mortal, we don't fall for the same trick twice…" said Number One.

A tight, bitter smile spread over Hikaru's face. "Yeah. I was hoping that was the case."

At just that moment Inu-Yasha slammed Tetsaiga straight through the Elder God. Hikaru grabbed the blade as it passed through.

"As I recall, you skin is like adamant—but I doubt your insides are," he stated flatly as he sent a bolt of pure energy up the blade.

The three mouths screamed in unison. It was, Hikaru realized, the first time they'd all said exactly the same thing.

The energy of the sword and his magic surged through the monster's body. Hikaru could see bits of flesh crumbling away. "Now, Hellcat! Aim for the shard!"

Kagome stood up from her hiding place on the tool shed, and loosed an arrow that quickly tore through the creature's throat, and imbedded itself in a nearby wall, the shard gleaming at its tip. Without the jewel's energy to sustain it, Mr. Wigglesworth was torn apart by the combined assault.

Hikaru released the sword and slumped forward. His arms felt like lead. Actually, all of him did.

Kagome lowered herself from the toolshed roof. "Is—is it dead?"

Hikaru managed a weak shrug. "It's—dispersed beyond a doubt. It won't be able to reform here, not for a long time. And I think it lost a lot of substance from that attack—so maybe it is really, truly dead. Or maybe not."

Kagome smiled. "Oh. Well, good." She glanced at him. "Now all you have to do is the witty catchphrase!"

Hikaru couldn't even muster the energy to glance at her. "The what—?"

"The witty catchphrase!" chirped Kagome. "The joke by which the hero demonstrates his hearty spirit, after he's killed someone."

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Ah." He swayed slightly. "Go to hell."

Kagome laughed. "Good one, Dr. Strange."

"Umm, Kagome," Inu-Yasha said quietly, "I think he was sayin' that to you."

Kagome seemed about to reply to that when she noticed Hikaru was falling face-forward.

-----

When Hikaru came to, the first thing he groggily noticed was a poster with both a rainbow and a unicorn on it.

This shocked him sufficiently to fully awaken him.

Glancing around, he decided there were two likely explanations.

Either he had decided to redecorate his room during a semi-conscious haze on the dominant motifs of pink, frilly, and stuffed.

Or he was in somebody else's room.

Kagome's "You're up!" confirmed the second explanation.

Hikaru glanced at her. "Why'd you bring me to your house?"

Kagome shrugged. "You passed out. It's not like we know where you live."

"Oh." Hikaru coughed. "Well, thank you." He glanced around awkwardly. "How long have I been—unconscious…?"

"Two hours," replied Kagome. "I was worried for a bit, but you're tougher than you look." She glanced at him pointedly. "Who's this 'Nabiki' person? Your archnemesis?"

Hikaru thought that over. "More or less." He turned and opened the window. "Well, thanks for the help. Now I must be off. Things to do."

"Doctor Strange—wait." Kagome requested quietly.

Hikaru paused, and looked at her.

"First I'd like to say thank you. I don't know what Inu-Yasha and I would have done without you."

Hikaru fidgeted nervously. "You'd have been fine," he lied. "But thanks for the compliment. Now, if you'd please excuse me…"

"And second," Kagome began, "Inu-Yasha and I—well, really it's just me, but I'm sure he'll agree with me—we'd really like to keep working with you. We think you'll be a big help in our mission to purge the world of injustice, because frankly—" she looked at him confidentially—"I don't think we've quite got it down yet…"

A part of Hikaru felt like saying, Look, I'm just as confused and clueless as you are. I just hide it better. But he didn't. He at least owed the girl her illusions. "I—prefer to work alone." That was definitely the truth. Hikaru just wasn't terribly fond of people.

"But we can help you!" said Kagome anxiously. "We did last night!"

Out of mess you pretty much got me into, thought Hikaru. But he didn't say that either. "I'll contact you if I need to…"

Kagome frowned slightly. "Well, could we at least have your phone number? We'd only use it as necessary!"

Hikaru sighed. "Kagome—I really would prefer it if you left me alone. I've gotten myself into a pretty dangerous situation, and I really don't intend to get anybody else into it." He shook his head. "Last night was just a beginning. There's a lot more for me to do."

"And Inu-Yasha and I want to help you!" Kagome said positively.

"No, you don't" said Hikaru. He headed out the window. "Goodbye."

Kagome actually had to suppress an urge to cry. However, a second later she heard a voice.

"Kagome?"

"Dr. Strange?"

"I changed my mind. You can have my phone number."

"Really?" she asked joyously.

"Yes. Now help me out of this tree. My cloak seems to have gotten tangled up in it."

-----

Hikaru sat down to a breakfast consisting of grapefruit, toast, and grapefruit juice. (Hikaru enjoyed consistency.) Glancing at the paper, he noted the back page included an article about a vampire superhero, Baron Blood, who had performed such feats as saving a girl from a monster, and foiling the robbery attempt on a diner by a supervillain whose name they could not disclose for legal reasons.

Hikaru sighed. It wasn't like he'd expected to be famous. Just that they'd get his name right.

"Hikaru, dear?" asked his mother.

Hikaru glanced up. "Yes?"

"There's a phone call for you, from some girl. Says she's in your manga club."

Hikaru felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Oh. I see."

"I didn't know you were in a manga club."

Hikaru fidgeted. "I joined one recently. On a spontaneous whim."

His mother nodded. "I see." She smiled. "Well, I'm glad to see you're socializing."

Hikaru glanced to the side. "Right…"

"Though I wish you'd tell me about these things…"

"Can I just have the phone?" asked Hikaru.

"Of course, dear," she said, handing it to him. She gave him a light kiss on the forehead. "I hope you enjoy yourself in your new club." She walked away.

Hikaru shut his eyes. "Hello?"

"Hey, Dr. Strange! What did you think of my cover story?"

Hikaru shuddered. "It was ingenious and foolproof." He stiffened. "Kagome, I believe you said that you'd be using my number only when necessary."

"Yep."

"Which apparently means twenty minutes after you get it…"

"Well, we have synchronize our actions," said Kagome in dead earnest. "So, when's our next patrol?"

There are times when you have to bow to the inexorable will of the universe. Hikaru did so.

"Just let me finish my breakfast. I'll get back to you."

"Okay," said Kagome cheerily, hanging up.

Hikaru looked at his grapefruit. Oddly enough, he was no longer hungry.

--Next Chapter--

KAGOME: And so the dice is cast!

HIKARU: That's 'the die is cast'. Or maybe 'the dice are cast'…

KAGOME: What adventures await our intrepid band of adventurers as they eagerly plunge into perilous peril?

INU-YASHA: Hey, I ain't eagerly plunging into anything…

HIKARU: That sentence made my head hurt…

KAGOME: Join us next time for another thrilling collection of thrills, in our next exciting chapter "Friend of the Devil-Slayer"!

HIKARU: Is she always like this…?

INU-YASHA: You have no idea…

HIKARU: (sighs) I could have gotten a good supporting role in that Vampire D fusion, but no! I had to try being a hero, just once…

----

Author's Notes:

To continue my previous statement—I don't own any of these characters. Not even a little. The Marvel characters are the property of Marvel, the Ranma ½ and Inu-Yasha characters are the property of Rumiko Takashi—Jinnai is the property of AIC/Pioneer, and Matsumoto Hiroya is the property of—well someone. I forget who.

This chapter took longer than I'd planned, and is somewhat scattered, but I hope you'll forgive it for that. The next chapter probably won't be as long, but I make no promises…