Defending

by David Dee

Set in DB Sommer's "Avenging" universe. The world's strangest sort-of team of kind of superheroes is not really gathered, under the quasi- leadership of Dr. Strange aka Hikaru Gosunkugi . With so many parentheses, it has to be good!

6. Third Stone From the Sun

Hikaru had to admit the Mad Thinker had a very appropriate name. He was clearly quite bright. And he was also clearly insane. For example, the Fantastic Four had brought him in just last week, and he'd escaped using a bottle of soda and a plastic whistle.

Hikaru dodged a burst of flame.

And then there was the small army of giant killer robots he'd built. Hikaru had to admit that impressed him.

"See, Daisy! Even though that vile little worm thinks he can separate us, the force of our love and my genius will keep us together!" said the Mad Thinker brightly.

"Umm, my name's not Daisy," said Nozomi Kaihara, who'd been fastened to the wall next to the Thinker.

That was the 'mad' part. The Thinker apparently thought his hostage was in love with him. Personally, Hikaru thought it was a bit early for Stockholm syndrome.

"You always say that!" laughed the Mad Thinker, his green trenchcoat swirling around him as he turned towards her. "But you always realize I'm right eventually."

Nozomi blinked. "We've never met before," she said quietly.

The Mad Thinker gave a fond, forgiving shake of the head. "You say that a lot too. Don't worry though—it will all make sense to again eventually. That's how it's been every time I find you when you go missing, Daisy, and that's how it's going to stay." He took a large device off his extensive toolbelt, and began to fiddle with the large ray next to him. "Now then, as soon as I finish with this silly old tractor beam, I'll do what every boy promises the girl he's sweet on—give you the moon!"

"Umm," murmured Nozomi, "I don't think anyone promises that anymore…"

"Of course they do," said the Thinker. "My grandfather says so, and he's as smart as I am. Remember, Daisy—smart people are always right!"

"But won't doing that kill people?"

"Oh, only unimportant ones," said the Thinker absently as he cut into the side of the tractor beam with a large blowtorch. "I'll be fine! And your alien blood allows you to survive anything!" He sighed. "I've really got to come up with some way of re-educating you faster—it's getting to be a hassle. Maybe the right combination of subliminal messages and psychotropic drugs…"

Hikaru twisted past the robot's fist. Oh, yeah, that was the Mad Thinker—a real character. Calling him a few cans short of a six-pack didn't do him justice—Hikaru doubted the man had enough juice left to fill a shot glass. He deflected the robot's ray beam. Hikaru was really getting sick of the damn thing. He'd tried to magnetize it, but it was apparently made of some carbon-weave polymer. He'd tried to melt it, but it apparently ran on ambient heat, and so all he'd gotten was one excited robot. As for simply blowing it up, the thing was harder to destroy than the Rolling Stones' careers. Hikaru sighed. There were times he wished he wasn't so sarcastic. It made it hard to listen to himself at times, and as that situation was unavoidable for him, it was only more bitter.

He barely avoided the explosive shell the robot fired at him. Concentrate on the killer robot, stupid, his mind thought vocally. As the mechanical monster launched a series of shrapnel grenades at him, he had to remind himself not to panic. He could handle this. He was Dr. Strange, who regularly defeated demonic invasions, sinister monsters, and men who had the audacity to attempt world conquest while wearing form-fitting body stockings. He really hated that last bunch. Some parts of the human anatomy were meant to stay hidden in his book.

The robot sprouted several more arms and started firing micromissiles at him. Hikaru gulped. Okay, he could handle this. But help would be nice.

The wall behind him toppled over. Hikaru smiled slightly. Help had arrived. Nadia rushed in, followed by the rest of the motley crew Hikaru happened to call allies. Hikaru glanced at Nadia "Glad to see you guys. Now, how did you beat those robots?

Nadia smiled awkwardly. "We sort of didn't. They're hot on our tails."

Hikaru's face fell. "What?"

"Hot on our tails," repeated Nadia. "In eager pursuit. Following us."

Kagome blinked and pointed ahead. "Hey—that robot's readying that gravity cannon thing the one you threw into a bus used!"

Hikaru glanced at Nadia reproachfully as he created a force field. Nadia looked away. "It was an empty tourist bus." She turned and waved her finger defiantly. "You have no right to judge me!"

Hikaru shrugged. "Well, no, but it sure is fun."

Miroku glanced at them worriedly. "The other robots are coming this way!"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "You know, that's one thing I've learned in this business it's never say 'this couldn't possibly get worse', because it always can. On fire? You can jump into gasoline. Chased by a rabid dog? A pack of them can come from the other direction. Dealing with a chainsaw-wielding homicidal maniac? A six-armed man-eating demon can kill him…"

"I'm assuming you have a more detailed plan than 'be bitter as killer robots descend upon us'?" said Nadia pointedly.

"I've got two actually," said Hikaru, "and seeing as the first one involves a bathtub full of champagne, a violinist, and a bottle of sherry, we're probably going to have to go with the second one."

Nadia blinked. "Are you sure about that? Because I'm definitely intrigued."

"Yes, I know, it would have been magical, but we're going with door number two," said Hikaru. "You, Nadia, are going to go after the Thinker, and see if he has a doohickey that can turn off the robots. I am going to attempt some kind of big mojo to shut down the robots. Miroku, Kagome and Inu-Yasha are going to protect me whilst I do so."

"Well, you've covered all the angles," said Nadia quietly.

"As opposed to your outfit," commented Hikaru.

Nadia glanced at what several thorough washings had revealed to be a bikini made of scale mail. "You know this is probably a completely normal outfit where I'm from."

"Then now we know to look for a nation with no shame," said Hikaru calmly. "Now, vamanos!" Nadia bit her lip and then jogged out, darting beneath the robot's legs. She ran towards the Mad Thinker, an angry glare on her face.

"Ha ha, wench!" he chuckled arrogantly. "Do you actually think you're a match for the genius of the Thinker?" He pulled an exceedingly elaborate device from his belt. "Face the power of my vibro-beam!" He fired. The silvery blast knocked Nadia off her feet. "You see Daisy! They'll never separate us, not while I can draw breath and my various weapons of mass destruction from their holsters!"

Nozomi gulped. "That's super…"

A dark hand closed around the end of the device. "That—stung," muttered Nadia angrily.

"Really?" asked the Mad Thinker nervously.

"Yes, but not like this is going to, little man," noted Nadia as she swung her fist. The Thinker went sailing back into the wall. "And for future reference, the Sub-Mariner is not one to be taken lightly…"

"Who's the Sub-Mariner?" asked Nozomi.

"That would be me," answered Nadia.

"Oh. I guess that follows…" Nozomi brightened. "Are you going to get me down?"

"After I get the robots shut down." Nadia walked over to the fallen villain, and glanced him over. "Dr. Strange? He seems to be unconscious."

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru, trying to keep up his shield up in the face of repeated blows. "That's bad."

Nadia looked over the Thinker's toolbelt. "I could always just—fiddle with things until I found something that turns it off…"

"I think you better not," said Hikaru nervously. "I really don't want Armageddon to start because you pushed the wrong button…"

Nadia glanced at him. "But how are you going to deal with the robots?"

"I'll come up with something," said Hikaru blithely. "Miroku, I know you hate using it, but…"

"I've tried the Wind Tunnel. They—just dug in their heels." Miroku shook his head. "Also spread out as they are—well, even if it could work, it would be too risky."

Hikaru bit his lip. "Okay. Don't worry. I've got an idea—it'll just require me to temporarily alter the laws of physics. Nothing too big." He gulped. "Of course, it will take awhile, so you'll have to hold them off…"

"Ya always give us the hard jobs," groused Inu-Yasha.

"Don't worry, Doc!" chirped Kagome. "Our superheroish skills will protect you!" She fired her bow. The arrow missed and chopped off a sprinkler head above a robot.

Hikaru slapped his forehead. "Great job, Kagome. Now he's hysterical, and he's wet."

The robot sputtered, sparked, and collapsed into a pile of tiny parts.

"On second thought—well done, thou good and faithful servant." Hikaru raised his arms, and shut his eyes. "You know, after mastering the Five, you just get used to some not having much use most of the time." His hands started to glow. "Spirits of the Water! I call upon your aid! I feel your anger, as Man forces you to travel through this building, a slave to his will. You are children of the Rager! I give you strength—rage forth for me!" His eyes opened, glowing blue. "RAGE FORTH!" In response to his cries, the pipes burst, a cascade of water soaking the room. The sparking robots fell into pieces.

A drenched Hikaru glanced at the rushing water. "My thanks to you, children of the Furor. Now I ask you to remember your mother, the Calm One…" The water died down. Hikaru glanced at the others. "Sorry about that. Water spirits can get a bit—enthusiastic at times."

Inu-Yasha spat out a mouthful of water. "A bit…?"

-----

"Well, Miss Kanzai," noted Officer Kobayakawa, "I'd say you held up remarkably well." She shook her head. "The Mad Thinker is one of the most dangerous criminals in Tokyo. There's no telling what he might have done if you had lost your cool."

"I would have been doomed no matter what if it weren't for the efforts of Dr. Strange and his stalwart band of heroes." She smiled brightly. "You know they really are good. I honestly think they don't get the credit they deserve."

Kobayakawa nodded. "Yep. Right. You wouldn't mind getting examined for head trauma now, would you?"

At that moment, the Thinker was wheeled past in traction. "Don't worry, Daisy! I'll be out in no time, and when I am, we can be together again!"

Nozomi turned to Kobayakawa. "Could I please be escorted out of Japan? As soon as humanly possible?:"

-----

From above on the rooftops Hikaru watched as they wheeled the supervillain's broken form into the ambulance. "Well, I think we took care—" He shook his head. "Oh, who am I kidding? He'll probably break out in a month using a package of stale saltines and a used condom."

Nadia gave him a reassuring pat on the back. "Look on the bright side—he sustained multiple fractures." She shrugged. "That should at least slow him down."

Hikaru glanced at her. "You know for an alleged pacifist, you have the most ungodly love of violence."

Nadia smiled. "Only for the deserving and only because I know exactly how much pain a body can take before it becomes potentially lethal."

Hikaru sighed. "You know this conversation just took a turn in a scary direction I have no intention of following up on…" He started to walk away.

"Oh, sure," shouted Nadia mockingly. "Leave me dangling!"

Miroku glanced at her. "I'm a bit surprised you took his suggestion for a name."

"It was better than the competition," she replied.

"Oh, for the last time, 'Amphibious Lass' is a great name!" said Kagome.

Hikaru took a deep breath. All in all, this was proving to be a quiet night.

-----

"Ahh. Earth. A tiny, blue sphere, the color of its vast deserts, sleeping unaware…"

"Oceans, Captain."

"Wha—?"

Lieutenant Mar-Vell sighed. "Oceans. The blue of Earth is from its vast oceans, not deserts."

Captain Lum Oni, commanding officer of the Oni Empire Dreadnaught Class Vessel Tcha, stared at her subordinate, her eyes showing her vast store of confusion. "Oh," she said slowly. "I see." She gave a sudden shake of her head. "Well, my point still stands—they are unprepared for the herald of GALACTUS!" She raised her fist triumphantly. "Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Mar-Vell winced. Miss Lum really hadn't gotten the whole threatening laugh thing down yet.

-----

Defending

Chapter 6—"Third Stone From the Sun"

An "Avenging" Universe Spinoff

David Dee

-----

In downtown Tokyo, something was happening.

"So, Arika, the green monster rampaging in downtown Tokyo is not Godzilla shrunk down to ten feet?"

"That is correct, Ken," said Arika Miamata, reporter. "Godzilla was spotted off the shore of Okinawa just an hour ago, looking, to quote local residents 'a bit cranky'."

Anchorman Kensuke Ooneda gave a grave, formal nod. "I see." He took a quizzical expression. "So what kind of damage is the monster doing?"

Arika took a deep, awkward breath. "Well, right now, he's in what experts like to call the 'pre-rampage rampage stage'." She glanced at her cameraman. "If we could get some footage." The camera panned over, revealing a large green man, who appeared mostly to be wandering around aimlessly. "There—he's on edge—clearly disorientated—but not actively rampaging."

Ooneda frowned. "So there's been no destruction or loss of life?"

"That is correct."

He coughed awkwardly, then turned. "Well, seeing as nothing substantial has happened yet, we will now fill some airtime with expert commentary. Joining us now—noted scientist, Dr. Iwata." He turned to a white-haired gentleman with a scarred face. "Dr. Iwata—nice to see you."

"Thank you, Ken. Always a pleasure to appear on television."

"Now, Dr. Iwata—what is it that makes monsters rampage?"

"Well, Ken," said Dr. Iwata thoughtfully, "my personal theory is it's because they're evil…"

Ooneda nodded. "Fascinating."

In the Gosunkugi residence something was also happening.

"See, Hikaru! He's evil! A doctor said so! We have to—"

"No, Kagome."

Both happenings involved surprisingly little of what could in fact be called 'activity'.

"Ahh, yes, and now the police are rolling in," came Arika's voice.

Kagome glanced back at Hikaru. "See! The police! If the police are there, we should be to! As superheroes we have a sacred duty—"

"To harass those whose crime is not conforming to society's preconceived notions of what's an acceptable appearance? Nope—that's the police job, and they're doing it, so the gears of the machine can be said to be grinding things in perfect order."

"But—"

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Look, Kagome, you can put whatever spin you want on it, but the only reason Oz the Great and Terrible is facing any sort of reaction at all is because he's ten feet tall. Aside from that, he's the typical tourist." He glanced at the television. "Hell, actually he's more polite than the typical tourist."

There was the sound of gunfire. Arika turned nervously to the camera. "The police have opened fire and—the monster's attacking—OH, OH MY GOD! MOVE IT PEOPLE, HE'S COMING THIS WAY!" The feed momentarily cut into static.

"Oh, the humanity!" shouted Ooneda. He glanced at Dr. Iwata. "Your opinion, doctor?"

"This is bad, Ken," said Iwata with a nod. "Very bad."

Kagome looked at Hikaru triumphantly. "See! Look! He's attacking now! He's definitely rampaging!"

"Because they OPENED FIRE ON HIM!" shouted Hikaru. He glanced at the others. "I'd rampage if that happened to me! Wouldn't you?"

Inu-Yasha shrugged. "I guess…"

"I'd probably just maraud a bit," said Nadia. "Maybe run a little amok."

"Oh, now you're just quibbling," muttered Hikaru. He glanced at Kagome. "Anyhow, Kagome, we are not attacking that poor noble savage." There was a squeal. "Now excuse me, my tea is up." He walked out to the kitchen.

"Okay, okay, can you reestablish the link?" came Arika Miamata. A jumpy picture came on, of Arika kneeling behind some wreckage. "Ken—it's a madhouse here. The monster has in a short while produced a radius of damage more appropriate to force of nature then a living thing…" She gestured upwards. The camera rose to capture an image of the bandana-wearing creature smashing a police car.

Nadia glanced at the television. "My goodness, he is causing a lot of damage, isn't he?"

Kagome nodded. "Yep."

Nadia looked at her. "And you honestly think we should do this?"

Kagome nodded. "Yep."

"Well, leave it to me," said Nadia quietly. Hikaru walked back in, holding a cup of tea. She glanced up at him. "Your 'noble savage' just destroyed three police cars."

"Good," said Hikaru. "Too damn many of them anyway. And those sirens!" Hikaru shook his head. "Noise goes straight to the skull." He shuddered, then sipped his tea.

"Heh," murmured Nadia quietly. "Listen to him joke. You can barely guess that he's scared."

"Scared?" Hikaru laughed. "I am so inundated with fear that adding a little more has no effect. I am incapable of terror, as it's my constant state, and I've learned to function with it."

"That's all very nice," chuckled Nadia. "And doubtless that explains why you're not going to stop a ferocious monster that is causing massive damage to the city."

"I'm not because it's the most rational, humane thing to do!"

"You're not because you lack the spine to deal with a real problem! You'd rather bury your head in the sand while things crumble to pieces around you!" She spat. "And you call yourself a man!"

Hikaru glared at her. "How dare you insult my manhood! I'm the mannish boy, the natural man who can take a licking and keep on ticking! I'm bold as love, and you can just ask the axis! I am a virtual paragon of virility!" A buzzer sounded in the kitchen. Hikaru clasped his hands together nervously. "My lemon squares!" He rushed back to the kitchen.

Kagome glanced at Nadia. "What are you—?"

Nadia raised her hand. "Hush, child. Watch the master and learn."
Hikaru walked un holding a plateful of lemon squares. He glanced at Nadia resentfully. "So, have you continued to slander my masculinity whilst I was dealing with the lemon square situation?"

Nadia arched an eyebrow. "Hikaru, for me to slander your masculinity you'd have to have some."

"Oh, touché," muttered Hikaru. "I suppose the same thing goes for what's covering your midriff?"

Nadia glanced down at her outfit, a halter-top and a pair of shorts. "Oh, riposte," she muttered acidly, a frown on her face.

Kagome noted with some alarm that the pair's hands were digging into the tabletop. Literally. "Umm, guys—don't fight…"

"Why should we fight?" said Hikaru in tones of strained civility. "I'm far too effeminate a man to bother with violence. I'd much rather lie on the sundeck, and sip tea, while fanning myself…"

"And staring at my nonexistent midriff covering?" murmured Nadia.

"Naturally," said Hikaru nibbling on a lemon square. "I suppose the only way you'll stop this if I perform the idiocy of attacking Mr. Green Genes?"

"No," answered Nadia. "The way to stop me is to kill me. However, assuming you to have ethics, your suggestion is the next best thing."

Hikaru shook his head. "For you dear? Of course." He picked up another lemon square. "AFTER I finish my lemon squares." He glanced at his tea cup. "Hmmph. Need a refill." He walked back to the kitchen.

"How did you do that?" asked Kagome, staring at Nadia in wonder.

Nadia smiled. "I may be an amnesiac, but I haven't forgotten about human nature." She picked up a lemon square. "No man who uses the word 'whilst' regularly is ever quite secure in his masculinity. And besides, mocking Hikaru isn't a chore—it's a hobby." She glanced downwards and frowned. "Why should I cover it? It's not like I've got anything to be ashamed of…" She bit into her lemon square.

Actually it was quite good.

-----

Lt. Mar-Vell entered Captain Oni's quarters, a computer readout in his hands. "Miss Lum, I'm honored to report that we have selected your opponent for this world."

"Ahh," she said. "Let me see." She grabbed the readout from his hands, then glanced at it. A frown covered her face. "This was ready two hours ago."

Mar-Vell sighed. "You were in the middle of your bubble bath, Captain."

"Oh." A smile came over her face. "Well, I do like being squeaky cwean! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She went back to reading it, then snarled. She tore the readout into pieces, and threw the scraps to the ground. "Disgusting!" she spat. "Once again your "random" selection process gives me an opponent who's a joke!" She looked Mar-Vell commandingly. "I am sick of such contests. I yearn for a challenge! I am Lum Oni, Third Champion of the Oni Empire and Herald of Galactus! My yearning shall be quenched!"

Lt. Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Captain, we Kree have some experience with these Earthlings. While technologically backwards—and this is changing—they show a marked propensity for supernormal ability. Indeed, Miss Lum, I would say they rival even the Oni for this."

"Nobody rivals the Oni at anything!" shouted Lum confidently. "We are the natural rulers of all! You inferiors are only fit to lick our boots and do as we say!" She smiled at Mar-Vell. "Mind you, you Kree do a fantastic job of it." She gave him a thumbs-up. "Top marks from me!"

Mar-Vell nodded, his eyebrows narrowed. "I am… pleased you appreciate my—bootlicking services, Miss Lum."

"Also the 'doing as I say'," noted Lum appreciatively. "You're really good at that!"

Mar-Vell bowed. "Miss Lum, if you value my services, you won't risk yourself needlessly in the search of some ultimate challenge. You should realize that even the most insignificant opponent may pose a threat to you, and those of great power almost certainly will."

Lum raised her hand defiantly. "Lieutenat, I am Lum Oni! Time upon time have I faced my opponents, and each time they have fallen. And you would say I'm unprepared? You would deny me a glorious battle?" She pouted. "I haven't had one of those since I wiped out the Saiyin hordes single-handedly during the Frieza incident!" She smiled. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! That was fun! Especially the way they'd stand there grunting, for hours on end!"

"You relish in victories nobly won, Captain, but do not forget that duty comes before glory," said Mar-Vell.

"Nothing comes before glory!" shouted Lum. "Mar-Vell I seize at things that seem beyond my reach. That is the source of my legend!" Yeoman Una entered the room holding a tray. "Oh, goodie!" squealed Captain Oni. "My juice box!" She snatched it gleefully. "I just wuv my juicey-juicey-juice, yes I do." She sipped it gleefully.

Una glanced at Mar-Vell. "I hate it when she baby talks." Mar-Vell hushed her.

Lums finished her juice, and turned to the Kree. "Now then I want you to find me—A CHALLENGE! One worthy of the might that is Lum! Also I want a box of thin mints." She smiled. "Sweets for the sweetie, after all! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

-----

Miles away, Ataru Moroboshi paused in the middle of receiving a beating from the leader of the girl's volleyball team, and stared blankly into space. Ataru's 'girlfriend' Shinobu Miyake broke off explaining that of course Ataru hadn't meant anything offensive when he'd commented on the girl's "tremendous gazongas". "Ataru—what's wrong?"

"I sensed a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if a long-running comedy series cried out and was silenced." He glanced at a volleyball team member. "Oooh! Boobies!" He leaned forward to get a grope in. Shnobu sighed. Ataru had been acting funny—well, funnier—since he downed a bagful of hallucinogenic pills in the belief that they were candy.

-----

Nadia frowned. "This vegetarian platter is subpar," she said flatly.

Hikaru glanced up from his latte. "What's wrong?"

Nadia looked away, a touch of embarrassment on her face. "Not enough kelp."

"Nadia, most people would consider not eating kelp a plus," stated Hikaru.

Nadia stared at him. "You just had to finish those lemon squares!" she huffed.

"Don't rush me, woman!" declared Hikaru. "I take my time, but the results are usually worth it." He crossed his arms. "And I didn't see you passing up on them!"

"How could I?" muttered Nadia darkly. "They were sour. They were sweet. They were enchanting."

Miroku sighed. "You two are worse than Inu-Yasha and Kagome…"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Hikaru. "Kagome and Inu-Yasha squabble. Nadia and I banter. It's a completely different phenomena."

"What's the difference?" asked Miroku.

"Squabbling is what children do," answered Hikaru. "Banter is a more adult beast. Squabbling is a petting zoo—banter is a rogue elephant who snapped a tether and killed a coolie."

Nadia blinked. "Are all of your metaphors so… esoteric?"

"Usually," answered Hikaru.

"I think those of us who weren't lost at Hikaru's analogy were when you used the word 'esoteric'," said Miroku.

"Quiet!" said Inu-Yasha. "My head hurts!"

Nadia glared at them. "There is simply no appreciation for eloquence."

"Tell me about it," said Hikaru. "With this bunch, discourse is lowered to a sub-troglodyte level."

"I'm filled with pathos," said Nadia grimly. "Or possibly bathos. It's one of the the athos family." The pair sighed. The others glanced nervously among themselves.

Hikaru stared grimly at his drink. "You know, we'd have gotten there in plenty of time if Colonel Flag-waver hadn't shown up…"

Kagome looked at Hikaru and shook her head. "Captain Japan is a dynamic new superhero, Dr. Strange, worthy of our respect…"

Hikaru snorted. "Oh, sure, Captain Axis is all beer and skittles right now, but just you watch! Next thing you know, he'll be talking 'Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Spheres' while trying to annex Korea and introducing his new sidekick, Sergeant Swastika! Mark my words!"

There was an awkward pause. Kagome stood up. "You know what you need?"

"A Japan that fully owns up to the atrocities of the past, and can no longer be swayed by the brutal, fascistic symbols of Empire," answered Hikaru.

Kagome blinked. "I was thinking a frozen cappuccino."

Hikaru leaned forward bleakly. "Make it a mocha."

Kagome nodded and darted away. Nadia glanced at him. "I think you just scared every rational person within listening distance."

"They should be scared," said Hikaru. "The Black Dragon Party is out, in all its glory! Iron-plated soldiers have appeared on our streets! As well as a gigantic, hammer-wielding lesbian!" He shook his head. "Truly I fear for our nation."

Nadia chuckled. "And now I know you have…"

Miroku coughed. "You know Hikaru, it's a bit premature to be criticizing people whose actions we only know through second-hand reports and rushed newspaper articles…"

"Well, it's also a bit early to be giving them a standing ovation, but people seem to be doing that!" Hikaru glanced angrily at a pedestrian. "You make me sick! You want to be oppressed, you totalitarian dogsbody, don't you?" The passerby broke into a run. "That's right!" shouted Hikaru. "Run from the truth!"

"Oh, for goodness sakes, Hikaru!" said Miroku. "You can't mean that attractive gaijin is… odd—you just can't!"

"Miroku, firstly that woman practically has 'Female Steelworker' plastered to her forehead," said Hikaru. "Secondly, she isn't that attractive."

Nadia blinked. "You're kidding, right?"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Personally, if I want over six feet of beef on a date I'll go to a steakhouse with a buffet…"

Nadia. glared at him. "I didn't think you were the type who disliked strong women…"

"Only the Bulgarian car type," Hikaru clarified. "You know—big, blocky, with the parts sized slightly wrong…"

Inu-Yasha shook his head. "Come on, Hikaru. This is catty even fer you…"

Hikaru sighed and slouched back in his chair. "Well, I'm just tired of doing so much and receiving so little, while others do so little and receive somuch…" A mild rain shower began. Hikaru glanced resentfully up at the sky. "Also, I'm tired of this outdoor restaurant, but that is something I expect to resolve shortly."

Nadia shrugged, as the rain began to cease. "It's not that bad." She looked at him. "And you're usually the last person to care what people think of you."

"And I still am!" shouted Hikaru. "I don't do this for applause, you know! Unlike the freaking Fantastic Four! But they and every other gloryhound in the city is getting famous on what I do while seeking no credit for myself! It is driving me to the brink of DESPAIR!!!"

Nadia shook her head. "Hikaru, I have to say, you're the only person I know who can be manic and depressive at the same time."

Hikaru looked at her bleakly. "You're an amnesiac, Nadia. You have no idea who you know."

Nadia smiled. "And that tells you how strong an impression you make…"

"Don't insult the Fantastic Four," came a slurred voice.

"Quiet, Kagome," snapped Hikaru.

"That—wasn't Kagome," said Miroku gesturing across the street.

Hikaru blinked. "You're right. I just assumed it was her on the grounds that it sounded very… Kagome-like."

"Well," continued the voice's owner belligerently, "It was actually very… Saori-like." The voice's owner was in fact a tall woman with purple hair. She sat at a table across the street, a large glass punctuated with a paper umbrella before her, her head resting on the tabletop. "Saori Kiddo. I'm good friends with the Fantastic Four." She sat up unsteadily. "They helped me turn my life around. I was in jail when they met me, living in the bottom of a liquor bottle—"

"And now you're living at the bottom of a fashionable glass of Banana Daquiri, presumably?" asked Hikaru pointedly. "Good lord, what a public service! Give the bastards another medal!"

"Hey!" shouted Saori. "I admit I may not quite have my life together yet, but now I'm trying!" She shook her head, and stood up. "That's what they did for me! Got me back in the fight! Trying again! And if you've got a problem with the Fantastic Four, you've got a problem with—MS. POWER!" She struck a martial arts pose.

Hikaru chuckled, despite himself. "I'm sorry. Just find your superhero name amusing."

Saori glanced around apologetically. "Look it's a hell of a lot better than Princess Power, which is what I started out in this business with…"

"How about Power Girl?" suggested Miroku.

"First off I'm twenty four, so calling myself 'girl' is not only stupid, it's insulting, and second, I never liked that name." Saori gave a puzzled shake of the head. "No idea why."

"So—what exactly does having a problem with Ms. Power entail?" asked Hikaru in slightly condescending tones.

"Me sticking to you like dogshit on your shoes, calling you up at odd hours to make statements that might be construed as threats, and possibly going medieval on your ass one day." Saori smiled. "And if me going medieval on your ass doesn't scare you, realize that I'm super-strong, my skin is nearly unbreakable, and my mother was Jun the Swan of the Science Ninja team, so I can break your neck in ten different ways."

"I remember that bunch," said Hikaru softly. "Wasn't Jun the designated hostage most of the time?"

"Well, yeah," said Saori awkwardly. "But that's mostly because Mom was an idiot, not because she was lousy at fighting…"

"So what is the difference between a science ninja, and a ninja ninja?" he continued casually.

"Science ninjas dress up like birds, and use more explosives," answered Saori dourly.

"So why do you have powers? Weren't the science ninjas regular humans?" noted Hikaru.

"Except for Joe, yeah," muttered Saori. "But—well, mom was exposed to a lot of weird chemicals and rays over the years." She glanced around awkwardly. "I figure they might have had an effect. Though one time this old guy said I was the reincarnation of Athena. And then he said something about saints, and then he started singing old Beatle songs…" She looked at Hikaru frowning. "Okay, you're not quaking in fear."

"Nope." Hikaru waved his hand. "Allow me to introduce myself—Dr. Strange, Master of the Mystic Arts, Protector of the Mystic Walls, and so forth."

Ms. Power's eyes squinted blearily. "You some sorta Goth superhero?"

Hikaru shook his head. "No, Goth depression is cultivated. Mine is free-range."

As Saori stared ahead in mild shock, a man clad in a neon green shirt, and neon yellow bandanna that was doubling as a mask approached her holding a sheaf of papers. "Hey, Saori, I just got the lyrics and they prove I was right. Look—'They want to bring me in guilty for the shooting of a deputy—for the life of a deputy'. So see, someone else shot the deputy, possibly the sheriff, and they want him for that, not he shot the sheriff, and got caught by the deputy."

"This isn't the time to talk about it, Eikichi," murmured Saori.

"Who's this?" asked Hikaru. "Your houseboy?"

"My partner," groaned Saori.

"Eikichi Onizuka!" stated the living offense to the eyes. "Or as my enemies know me—the Great Hero IRON FIST!"

Hikaru stared and then started cackling. "I'm—sorry—I'm sorry—it's just—man those are lousy names…" He glanced at Inu-Yasha. "You guys should form a club—eh, Son of Satan?"

"Shut up!" groaned Inu-Yasha.

Onizuka glared at Hikaru, offended. "And who are you to judge?"

"Dr. Strange, apparently," answered Ms. Power.

"Really?" said Onizuka puzzled. He looked Hikaru over. "I heard he was some sort of praying mantis thing."

Saori followed his gaze. "You sure he isn't?"

Hikaru stared bleakly ahead for a moment, then sighed. "You know, the only thing keeping me from getting a press agent is my general sense of despite." He shook his head. "I just don't believe this. By what I've accomplished I should be as famous as any of these guys," he noted, pointing at a newspaper photo showing various members of Tokyo's superhero population. "Instead I'm sitting here trading quips at the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast version of superheroes. There is no justice in this world. No justice!"

A large green blur smashed into the street. "HULK WANT FLOWERS!"

Hikaru's head slammed onto the table. "Nadia?"

Nadia glanced at him. "Yes, Hikaru?"

"A quick lesson…"

"I'm listening…"

"Those who insist there is no justice often have justice violently practiced upon them."

Nadia glanced up at the bellowing Hulk. "With an emphasis on the 'violent' part in this case."

Hikaru looked at her. "I think you should write that down."

"Oh, I've no doubt I'll remember it…"

Onizuka clenched his fists. "Enough talk! Now's the time for ass-kicking!"

"Damn straight, Onizuka!" shouted Saori. The pair charged forward. "Hey, tall, green, and ugly," she yelled, peppering the behemoth's body with punches, "how you like these flowers—eh? How you like—"

The Hulk stared at the pair for a moment, then sent them flying with a casual flick of the hand. As Hikaru watched the two heroes slam into the wall, and turned quietly to the others. "You know, suddenly I'm filled with an overwhelming sense of euphoria." He stood up. "I wonder why?"

Inu-Yasha stood up. "We takin' down the giant?"

"Probably," stated Hikaru. Inu-Yasha nodded and charged forward. Seconds later, Hikaru watched him go sailing backwards. "You know I was going to say that this called for a bit of forethought."

"Now ya tell me…" groaned Inu-Yasha.

"That's right—now I do!" Hikaru flexed his hand.

Nadia smiled. "And what does your ample supply of forethought suggest?"

"A little bit of my favorite weapon—subtlety." Hikaru walked towards the Hulk, stopping a respectful distance away from him. "Hello! Now what is it I can do for you, you dear, dear man?"

The Hulk stared at him suspiciously. "Why ugly little man's friends attack Hulk?"

Hikaru's left eyebrow twitched slightly. He let forth a pleasant chuckle. "Most of them weren't my friends. And the one who is was confused. He acted without thought. I apologize for his actions. Indeed, I often do. Now, please tell me what you desire. I'm eager to help in any way I can." Hikaru smiled eagerly. "I'm a magician."

The suspicion in the Hulk's gaze did not abate. "Hulk want flowers for pretty hammer girl," the giant stated sullenly.

Hikaru nodded. "Then you'll want the flower district. That's a bit to the south of here."

The Hulk frowned angrily. "Hulk know that! That what last man tell him! Hulk head that way, but no find flowers!"

"Well, just head a little more south, and you will!" Hikaru grinned. "Honest! Cross my heart and hope to die!" The Hulk nodded dimly and turned to leap. Hikaru coughed. "That's north. The opposite of south…"

The Hulk glared at Hikaru angrily. "What magician talk about? Hulk know way to go!"

Hikaru's left eyebrow began to twitch again. "That's clearly not true…"

The Hulk snarled. "Magician calling Hulk STUPID?"

"Well with grammar like that you're definitely not Albert Einstein, tarnishlocks!" snapped Hikaru. He winced. That was a really bad thing to say.

The Hulk screamed and charged forward. "Hulk not stupid! Hulk smart!" He grabbed Hikaru roughly by the shoulders. "Hulk think magician is stupid! Hulk CRUSH stupid magician!"

Hikaru gulped. Okay, it was a really, really bad thing to say. He took a deep breath. "Wait, I just remembered a story of great relevance!"

"Stop using big words! Stupid magician annoying Hulk!"

"I remember once, in a far away land, there was a friendly giant, just like you," said Hikaru, pointing at the Hulk.

"Like Hulk?" said the titan, intrigued.

"Yes, like Hulk!" Hikaru brought his hand in front of the Hulk's face. "And he wanted flowers for a beautiful maiden. And so he went to an enchanted field and plucked the biggest flower he could find." The Hulk nodded, interested. "But the giant forgot that flowers sometimes attract bees." Hikaru's hand darted forward and twisted the Hulk's nose.

"ARRGH!" screamed the Hulk, his hands going to his face. "Stupid magician make hand bee! Make hand bee and sting Hulk!" As the Hulk dropped him, Hikaru somersaulted off the giant's stomach, and scurried away.

Nadia glanced at him. "Things not go as planned?"

Hikaru glanced over his shoulder. "I was trying to work a little hypnosis on him—calm him down a bit. Make him less—angry. But Kermit over there—well his mind's like a room full of wolverines, being stung by hornets and hearing thrash metal with the volume turned up to eleven."

Nadia blinked as she watched the Hulk charge down the street. "That's a whole lot of angry."

Hikaru glanced around. "Where's Miroku?"

Nadia gestured across the street. "You have my moral support!" shouted Miroku from beneath a table.

"Figures," muttered Hikaru.

"Hulk smash stupid magician!" screamed the Hulk.

Nadia stepped forward. "That isn't to going to happen, my large friend…"

The Hulk snarled. "Puny girl going to stop Hulk?"

Nadia punched him in the stomach. The gargantuan figure sailed through the air for several hundred feet before hitting the pavement and bouncing three times. "Yes," answered Nadia calmly.

Hikaru glanced at her. "I take back sixty percent of what I said about you."

Nadia frowned. "Only sixty percent?"

Hikaru shrugged. "I have to leave you something to work for."

"My head hurts…" whimpered Inu-Yasha.

The Hulk got back to his feet with little effort. "Puny girl almost as strong as Hulk," he muttered, the surprise in his voice evident.

Nadia rushed forward, toppling him with her shoulder. "No," she stated calmly. She grabbed him by the legs, and raised him over her head, twirling him around. "As strong." She tossed the giant into the side of a building.

"Whoa. She is good." Hikaru glanced over to see Saori Kiddo brushing off some dust. "Is all your team that formidable?"

Hikaru smiled. "We aren't really a team, and to answer your question, no, they aren't, and also you're standing on one of them."

Saori glanced down. "Umm, sorry…"

"I'm gettin' up, I'm gettin' up," muttered Inu-Yasha.

The Hulk rose up snarling from where he stood, and knocked Nadia back with a ferocious roundhouse blow, slamming her into a lamppost, which shattered. He struck her again, slamming her against the pavement, then tossed her through a window. "Puny girl NOT strong as Hulk!"

Nadia rose to her feet. She touched her mouth, and brought back her fingers bloody. She smiled grimly. "You split my lip, monster. That was a mistake." She kicked the Hulk's legs out from under him, only to lose her footing as the ground shook with weight of the giant's bulk landing on it. As she began to fall, an arm grabbed her.

"I thought you might need some help," noted Saori.

Nadia nodded, as she righted herself. "He's strong, but he's slow, and he isn't very bright. Aim for the legs and head—he unbalances very easily. The stomach and chest are basically like hitting a wall—not much effect. And remember, he may not be fast but he can cover a lot of ground quickly." She grabbed Saori by the arm, and leapt. The Hulk rushed screaming beneath them. "See what I mean?"

"Umm, thanks," said Saori. She coughed. "Umm—so—you fly?"

"Don't ask me how, I don't know."

"Puny girl cheat! She not fall when jump!" The Hulk tensed for a leap. "Hulk make fall!" There was the sound of a war yell. The Hulk turned.

"Prepare to die, ya big green bastard!" screamed Inu-Yasha, slashing with his sword.

The Hulk grabbed Tetsaiga as it descended towards his head, then yelped. "Oww! Ugly dogboy cut Hulk's hand!" He lifted up the blade, shook it like a rattle, then flung it away. Inu-Yasha, hanging on for dear life, got to experience the entire sequence of events.

The Hulk watched the half-demon recede into the distance with a satisfied look on his face. That look vanished when a large section of lamppost struck the back of his head. "If you want a fight, freak, you better be ready for one!" said Onizuka, twirling the broken section of lamppost in his hands.

"Hulk smash idiot man!" screamed the Hulk. Onizuka ducked under his blow then smashed his arm with the lamppost.

"You say that an awful lot," noted Onizuka calmly. "It's sorta annoying."

Nadia and Saori slammed onto the Hulk's back. The giant slammed into the pavement, dazed. Saori grabbed her partner and started yanking him away. "Onizuka, that is probably the most dumbass thing you've ever done, which means naturally that it is one of the most dumbass things ever done in the existence of the universe."

"Ahh, come on Saori," grinned Onizuka. "I had him."

The Hulk stood, growling in frustration. Nadia glanced at Saori. "All right—what powers does Iron Fist have?"

"Umm—he's a martial artist…"

"Trained in the mystic monasteries of Tibet, a master of secret chi techniques, that sort of martial artist?"

"No," answered Saiko. "Just a normal, 'black belt in judo' martial artist…"

"That isn't a power," pointed out Nadia nervously.

"Well, not technically, but the thing with Onizuka is—" began Saori.

"Eat it, greenie! Eat it!" shouted Onizuka bouncing the lamppost off the Hulk's head and catching it on the rebound.

"—He's completely insane," she finished. "But in a good way. I mean if you had two of this guy, you could probably conquer China…"

The Hulk knocked the piece of metal away and screamed. "Hulk REALLY, REALLY MAD NOW!" He swung at Onizuka who danced out of the way. "Hulk want flowers, but puny people keep hitting him!"

Hikaru stepped forward. "Well, now I know what to put in your Christmas stocking—a nice copy of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'." He shrugged. "It's not like I was using it for anything besides propping up my bookshelf…"

The Hulk took a deep, hateful breath. "Hulk really not like stupid magician laughing at him."

Hikaru shook his head. "Then this will really bug you, Godzookie." He gave a sudden shout and gestured forward. The Hulk hurtled through the air, and toppled into a large building marked 'Condemned'. Hikaru brought his hands together, then spread them apart. The building collapsed. Hikaru bowed. "Shazam."

Nadia stared at him. "So what happened to your favorite weapon—'subtlety'?"

Hikaru smiled enigmatically. "Sometimes the way of subtlety requires us to travel through the magical valleys of excess and overkill."

The Hulk burst snarling from the wreckage.

"And sometimes even they aren't enough," Hikaru muttered softly.

Nadia nodded. "I said it before, and I'll say it again—that is a whole lot of angry."

Hikaru watched the Hulk advance. "You know there's a part of me that hates this situation, and another which lives for it." He smiled as he took a fighting stance. "Guess which part is dominant right now?"

-----

"Magnificent," muttered Lum in the Tcha's control room.

Lt. Mar-Vell glanced up from the Imperial dispatches (where, he noted, Vash the Warlock's bounty had reached 60,000,000 wulong, easily surpassing the rewards offered for such infamous space pirates as Captain Harlock, Kagato the Mad God, Queen Emeraldis, Starfox, Ryoko the Demon of Destruction and her occasional partner Washu the Goblin). "What is magnificent, Miss Lum?"

"These warriors! Such skill! Such power! Why even the one under the table resonates with energy!" Lum stood up. "I have found my opponent!"

"Which one, Captain?"

Lum spread her hands triumphantly. "Why, all of them! I shall face all seven, in the most grueling contest in Oni history since Azuma the Might faced the Five Angry Monks of Rigel Seven!"

Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Do you think it is a good idea, Miss Lum? Facing seven opponents of such power?"

Lum scowled. "Not only is it a good idea, it's such a good idea that I'm going to reward myself for having it. Yeoman Una! Get me a fudge sundae! With cherries on top! And rainbow sprinkles! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" Mar-Vell sighed. There was, he felt, something inherently humiliating in having been conquered by a race who considered finger-painting the epitome of high art, and whose first extraplanetary rocket had consisted of balsa wood, and a great deal of gunpowder.

-----

As the Hulk's might form advanced, five figures readied for combat, their bodies tensing in preparation. Suddenly all six individuals vanished, as well as a seventh cowering under a table.

Kagome exited the café holding a glass. "I'm back, guys! You wouldn't believe the time I had getting this frozen cappuccino…" She glanced at the ruined street. "Umm, guys…?"

It should be pointed out that the sighting of the Hulk in an outdoor restaurant district was reported to the police, and placed on file with the other 2687 reported Hulk sightings, including in a movie theater, up a tree, and in a next-door neighbor's yard.

-----

Nadia glanced around the vast chamber they'd found themselves in. It was a dark, metallic place, with eerie glowing lights and platforms. On the level above them a small horde of people worked at terminals. "Where are we?" she asked quietly.

Hikaru's eyes darted nervously around. "Either onboard an alien spaceship, or attending the biggest, most technically advanced Gundam convention the world has ever seen."

On the gallery above them, a tall blonde man entered, and stood next to an empty throne that looked down on the Earthlings. "All present, stand at attention for Captain Lum Oni, Third Champion of His Royal Potentate the Munificent Emperor Jariten, Illustrious Head of the Oni Empire, and Herald of Galactus!"

The various crew members stood at attention as a tall voluptuous women wearing a tiger skin bikini and boots entered. Hikaru had to admit she'd be attractive if not for her green hair and horns. She glanced at the blonde man. "You forgot the Emperor's full titles, Lieutenant."

"There are over a hundred of them," noted the Lieutenant quietly.

"Well, just do the short version," said Lum cheerfully, as she took her seat.

"Of course," he said with a bow. "Hail Emperor Jariten! Lord of the Universe! Master of All! King of Uru! Son of Emperor Lan! Grandson of Emperor Han! Cracker of the the Ctarl-Ctarl! Slaughterer of the Skrull! Basher of the Baddoon! Shatterer of the Shi'ar! Terrorizer of the Tengu! Pulveriser of the Plodex! Destroyer of the D'Bray! Ruiner of the Raalgon!"

Lum glanced at him expectantly. "And—?"

The lieutenant took a deep breath. "Crusher of the Kree!"

"Very good, Mar-Vell! You made me so vewy happy! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Hikaru watched the childlike delight spread over Captain Oni's faced and shuddered. 'Never trust anyone who thinks they're cute' was one of his cardinal mottoes. He glanced at Nadia. "I think we're in trouble."

Nadia nodded. "I'll say." She gestured at Miroku. A blank, radiant stare was plastered to his face. "It looks like little Miroku is doing the thinking for big Miroku."

"There are two of him?" asked Lum curious.

"It's a figure of speech," muttered Hikaru quietly.

"What?" said Lum baffled.

"A metaphorical expression, Miss Lum," said an intelligent looking blonde woman sitting next to the Captain.

"Oh." Lum coughed. "Thank you Yeoman Una."

"Why you take Hulk in large shiny room?" bellowed the Hulk suddenly. Hikaru blinked. As odd as it might seem, he'd almost overlooked the ten foot green lunk. The Hulk seemed to have calmed down considerably, but then Hikaru doubted he had much in the way of a long-term memory. He also had no doubt that it wouldn't take much to get the lime-tinged lout started again.

"I'm glad you asked that!" squealed Lum. She stood up, and looked down at her captives imposingly. "Earthlings, you have been chosen to face me, the Herald of Galactus!" She brought out a whistle and blew it. Lt. Mar-Vell, and Yeoman Una spread a large diagram behind the Oni. Lum gestured at it proudly. "Yes, the Galactus Interstellar Raceway! Largest of its kind to be constructed! The Interstellar raceway that's fun for the whole family!"

"Remind me again why we're naming this after the Devourer?" whispered Una.

"It's part of Emperor Ten's 'Please Don't Eat Us' plan," answered Mar-Vell.

Una nodded. "An idea whose time has come."

"The Galactus Interstellar Raceway will be dedicated at our beloved Emperor Ten's fifth birthday party, after which the first race will commence," finished Lum brightly.

Inu-Yasha blinked. "Kinda… accomplished for a kid, ain't he?"

Lum glanced at him, then shook her head in shock. "My goodness," she tittered. "I had no idea how cute you were!" She stared at him adoringly. "The viewscreens really failed to capture your magnificence."

Inu-Yasha gulped, then fidgeted. "Uhh—right—could ya answer my question…?"

"For you, anything," sighed Lum adoringly. She smiled at him fondly. "The honorifics in Jariten's title refer to the conquest of his ancestors, who forged the Empire out of blood and terror. My cousin hasn't killed that many people! He's just a little boy!" She laughed. "The only people of note he's killed are his grandfather and his father, to secure the succession."

Nadia blinked. "He killed—both of them?"

"Yep," answered a smiling Lum. "And some inconsequential people who just happened to be there. The tough part, though was doing it in sequence. I mean, if he hadn't done that, his opponents may have disputed his claim 'cause his father wasn't emperor. Now they can't! Lan was emperor for the thirty seconds it took him to suffocate in the depths of space, and that's all there is to it."

Hikaru chuckled benignly, with perhaps a touch of nervousness. "Well that's very nice, Miss, and we appreciate the heads up on the raceway, so you can just take us back—"

"I'm not finished," stated Lum. She coughed. "Now, you have had the inconsideracy to place your planet in our desired path for the Raceway, so we are going to have to demolish it…"

Nadia frowned. "You're going to blow up the Earth?"

"To make a race track," noted Hikaru bleakly.

"I was getting to that," said Nadia.

Lum shook her head. "You two are making this sound so… petty. This is the biggest raceway in the universe! The fastest ship we possess will still take ten years to complete a single lap!"

Hikaru rubbed his temples. "So it's going to take ten years for your Emperor's fifth birthday party to end?"

"Oh no," said Lum shaking her head. "Seventy years. Give or take. It's a seven lap race."

Hikaru stared at her for a moment. "So does the fact that your emperor stands a good chance of being a great-grandfather by the time his fifth birthday party ends strike you as a tad—ridiculous, perhaps?"

"Not really," giggled Lum. "Why, Emperor Go's twelfth birthday party lasted one hundred years. It was followed immediately by his funeral." A frown touched her lips. "Actually he'd been dead for twenty years by the time it was finished. That made things rather awkward, I hear."

Hikaru glanced at Nadia. "If I asked you, would you snap my neck?"

"Only if you gave me a cyanide capsule for afterwards," answered Nadia.

Hikaru stroked his chin. "I've got to consider that one."

"Come one!" said Lum in a tolerant tone. "It's not like we're dooming your species to extinction! We have every intent of moving a reasonable sample of your planet's inhabitants to that red planet right next to it!"

"Mars?" asked Hikaru flatly.

Lum looked at him blankly. Lt. Mar-Vell leaned over, and whispered into her ear. She blinked then nodded. "Yes, that's the one. Mars." She bit her lip nervously. "Mmm-hmm. Yeah."

Hikaru took a deep breath. "Mars is a barren, cold, inhospitable wasteland with NO BREATHABLE ATMOSPHERE!"

"Oh, complain, complain," said Lum. "The Shi'ar said the same sort of things when Emperor Gong took their homeworld for a pool game and we moved them to Vegar Seven! But that worked out great in the end! Didn't it, Ensign D'Ken?"

An officer glanced up. "Hell, these days we're so used to the random bombardment of lethal radiation, we wonder how we ever did without it!"

"Please kill me!" said his second head.

"Ha ha ha! Ignore 'Lefty'—it's all meaningless gibberish."

Nadia stared at Lum, her face stern. "What gives you the right to destroy our world in the first place, may I ask?"

"It belongs to us," answered Lum as if she was stating an obvious fact. "We own the universe."

"Really," stated Hikaru flatly.

"Oh, there are a few people who dispute our rule, and some hinterlands like this place where the natives have yet to be properly educated about how things work, but most of it's come around to realize the self-evident truth." She looked at her crew. "Isn't that right people?"

"Yes, Miss Lum!" they said in unison. "We are loyal to the Oni Empire, under threat of torture, and a slow hideous death!"

Hikaru was silent for a moment, then stepped towards a large red banner with a horned black circle on it. "This your flag?"

"Yep," chirped Lum. "The sacred symbol of our holy Empire."

Hikaru nodded, then blew his nose on it. As the honk echoed through the room, he strode away. "Sister, consider us thoroughly uneducated and uneducatable about how things work," he said quietly.

Lum clapped her hands gleefully. "Oh, goodie! I knew this would be fun! Teeheeheehehe-tcha!" She crossed her arms imposingly. "Know this, Earthlings! We Oni are neither unjust, nor arbitrary. We will grant boons to our subject peoples—if they earn them! Such is our decree to all our subsidiaries!" She frowned. "Except those filthy Skrull who are an abomination fit only to be destroyed." She glanced around nervously, then turned to Mar-Vell. "Are there any Skrull around?"

"No, Miss Lum. There are no Skrull around anywhere. At all. There haven't been for centuries. You Oni massacred them in a series of atrocities so horrific, that even we Kree, hereditary enemies of the Skrull, who loathed their very existence, were filled with pity and outrage at what had been done."

"So no Skrull?" asked Lum.

"That is correct, captain."

"If you say so," Lum muttered uneasily. She looked back at the Earthlings. "Now, then, as I was saying, the boons of the Oni are never given—they must be earned through a trial that tests the one thing we Oni respect—strength and cunning!"

"That's two things," pointed out Hikaru.

"That's what I said," replied Lum. "The two things we Oni respect." She blinked rapidly. "Two things." She coughed. "So, I challenge you seven to the contest in which they may be proven, the most beloved game of the Oni, the game at which I have never lost—TAG!"

Hikaru winced. "You know, I can perhaps accept a race of aliens called Oni who just happen to resemble the Oni of myth. But to accept that their favorite game is tag is stretching things…"

"Oh, I don't know," said Nadia. "It sort of matches their culture's general level of sophistication."

"Point," said Hikaru sorely.

"So, Earthlings, do you accept my challenge?" shouted Lum.

Hikaru glanced around. Nadia stared at Lum resentfully, fists clenched. Miroku was drooling in lust. Inu-Yasha was glancing around nervously. The Hulk was snoring, having apparently dozed off in the act of picking his nose. Iron Fist and Ms. Power were also drooling in lust.

"Look at those tiny horns," said Onizuka.

"And those great big knockers," added Saori.

Hikaru looked at Lum. "We accept."

"Excellent! To the arboretum!"

-----

It was a bit odd to see a fair-sized park on a space ship, complete with a small lake, but Hikaru's mind was used to shocks. "There is only one rule in this game—to win it, one of you must grab Miss Lum's horns," explained Lt. Mar-Vell.

"So, we could, theoretically, kill her," said Nadia slowly, "and grab her horns afterwards."

Mar-Vell nodded. "Kill, maim, bludgeon unconscious—all is permissible." He stared at them gravely. "Assuming of course, that you can manage it."

"And naturally that goes both ways," noted Hikaru.

"Naturally," said the lieutenant quietly.

Hikaru glanced around casually. "So, what happens if we lose?"

"You will be killed afterwards," said Mar-Vell. "As for your people, those who perhaps manage to survive relocation will receive all the benefits of the Oni Empire. Terror, and random brutality."

"Fantastic," said Hikaru. "We're playing the most dangerous game with the universe's biggest scale imperialists…"

Yeoman Una entered holding a large pot. "The captain bids her opponents refresh themselves on a hearty meal of Oni stew." She dropped the bubbling pot of greenish-brown ooze before the group. Most of them blanched.

"Smells like your coffee," muttered Saori to Onizuka.

"Hey—my coffee only puts some people in the hospital." Onizuka glanced down at the stew. "That stuff will probably take out anybody."

The Hulk grabbed the pot, guzzled it down, then tossed it away. "Food good!" he said happily, followed by a burp.

Lt. Mar-Vell watched as the overturned pot ate a hole in the ground. "Mar-Vell to maintenance. Prepare for a potential hull breach in Section 23-E…" He glanced back at the Earthlings. "Now, in a normal match, you'd get seven days, but seeing are there's seven of you, that time has been cut to six hours."

"Shouldn't that be one day?" asked Hikaru sharply.

"That is also accounting for your exceptional abilities." Mar-Vell took a deep breath. "Earthlings—I have only one more thing to say to you. Though I cannot influence the outcome of this contest—though I risk death even saying this to you—I HOPE YOU BLITZ THAT BITCH!"

Una gave an angry nod. "Take her down!" she yelled with a ferocious waving of her fist. "Take her down hard!"

"The contest begins—now," said Mar-Vell, as he and Una were teleported away.

Hikaru turned to his compatriots. "All right people, here's the plan. We spread out to locate Lum. I will use a simple telepathy charm so that if any of us sees her, they can notify the rest." He glanced at the Hulk. "Except for the Great Caesar's Salad, who can yell real loud. We branch out, while keeping our guard up—I've no doubt Miss Squeaky is going to try and ambush us…"

"I suggest we use teams of two," stated Nadia. "Except for the Hulk, who can best take care of himself, and is—ill-suited for teamwork." She glanced over her allies. "I suggest Ms. Power and Iron Fist, Son of Satan and Devil-Slayer, and of course, you and I."

"An excellent idea," said Hikaru. He glanced at the others. "What do you guys think?"

"Ooh, pretty flowers for hammer girl," said the Hulk, plucking a clump of what looked like sunflowers.

"Was that chick comin' on to me?" gulped Inu-Yasha.

"That tiger skin bikini," murmured a leering Miroku.

"What rhymes with Lum?" said Onizuka dreamily.

" 'Bum', 'thumb'—'rum'." Saori licked her lips. "Boy I could use a drink."

Nadia paled. "The world is doomed."

Hikaru nodded.

Onizuka waved his hand. "Relax—I heard you. I just don't see any reason why you should be the leader."

Hikaru crossed his arms. "Because I can yell continuously for twenty-five minutes, and thirty-seven seconds, without taking a breath, or getting hoarse."

Naida, Inu-Yasha, and Miroku all nodded. "This is true," said Miroku.

"We have timed him using scientific devices," noted Nadia.

"Well, now that we have a chain of command," said Hikaru, "that being me, then Nadia, then everybody else, we are all going to find Captain Oni and—"

"Hulk no hurt horn girl," declared the Hulk suddenly.

"What?" said Hikaru bleakly.

"Hulk no hurt horn girl. She not hurt Hulk. Hulk no like hurt girls unless they hurt Hulk first." The giant made a huge shrug. "Horn girl nice to Hulk. Give food! Pretty flowers for hammer girl!" The Hulk sheepishly raised his bouquet.

Hikaru slapped his forehead. "If Hulk no hurt horn girl, pretty hammer girl probably die."

The Hulk frowned at Hikaru. "Stupid magician probably lie! He lie before! He make hand bee!"

Hikaru glared at him. "You know, stupid magician and Hulk like some ways. Stupid magician also get mad sometimes and smash things." Hikaru pointed to a nearby tree, his eyes glowing red. A burst of energy erupted from his finger, disintegrating the tree. "Him smash them good." Hikaru looked at the Hulk. "If Hulk no hurt horn girl, stupid magician get mad Hulk. Hulk comprende?"

The Hulk stared at Hikaru. He stared at where the tree had been. He stared at Hikaru. Thoughts, like glaciers, dimly etched their way across his mind. The Hulk gulped. "Hulk go find horn girl." He leaped away.

Saori and Onizuka stared at Hikaru. "Are you sure you're a superhero?" asked Saori nervously.

Hikaru smiled at her. "Actually, no, but people keep telling me I am, so I try to humor them."

"Heh, heh, heh," laughed Saori nervously. She gulped. "We better get going. Horn girls to find."

Inu-Yasha grabbed Miroku by the shoulder. "Us too…"

Nadia glanced at Hikaru after all their compatriots had quietly fled. "You picked up 'Hulk-speak' pretty fast."

Hikaru gave a dismissive shrug. "I've got a gift with tongues."

Nadia smirked at him. "That's something I'm going to have to check one of these days." She started walking away.

Hikaru had an impulse to blush but he suppressed it.

-----

Onizuka glanced at Saori. "This must be old hat to you…"

Saori shook her head. "Nah—I mostly faced muggers, thugs, and bank robbers, spiced up by the occasional monster or mad scientist." She frowned. "The League did have that whole 'Negaverse' invasion but I'd quit by then." She glanced at him. "Really, that's my mom's deal. She always had to deal with that crazy Gallactor bunch. Of course most of them were just common prison scum and mercenaries that Sosai X had recruited and dressed up in those gay Gallactor uniforms. Except for the leader, who was always some genetically engineered freak the evil bastard had manufactured." Saori's frown deepened into a scowl. "Mom's always going on about how she saved the world from an evil invasion." Saori waved her fist angrily. "From what mom? A hermaphrodite and a giant toddler? That's your rogues gallery? That?" She burst into tears. "I was never good enough, was I mom? You always had to make me feel small! Like I could never measure up to you! And now you wonder why I don't..."

Onizuka coughed. "Umm, bad time for an emotional outburst…"

Saori took a few deep breaths. "Sorry. It's the lack of booze. It's been awhile since I felt anything besides a comfortable numbness for any length of time. Having—you know—feelings again—it's making me cranky."

The grass around them rustled. The pair snapped to attention, glancing around nervously.

Nothing happened.

They relaxed. "You scared?" asked Saori.

"Damn straight," answered Onizuka.

Saori nodded. "Me too."

-----

"I'm tellin' ya, that girl was makin' eyes at me!" shouted Inu-Yasha in the tones of a man being dragged to a forced execution.

"Was she?" said Miroku. "I didn't notice."

"That's 'cause you were to busy oglin' her to pay attention to anything she actually said!" Inu-Yasha turned away. "Ya know, I actually wonder some times why we let ya stay with us. You mostly seem to just waste all our time!"

Miroku sighed. "Inu-Yasha, that is a cruel comment, but I for—"

Miroku's sentence was cut short by Lum's knocking him on the back of the head. Inu-Yasha turned and drew his sword, then charged at her, swinging. Lum leapt up, and landed on the blade, the rushed forward, and downed him with an uppercut.

The last words he heard were, "Sorry, darling", which inspired such terror in him that even the knowledge he'd been right was no comfort.

-----

Nadia and Hikaru turned. "Did you feel that?" asked Hikaru.

"Yes," said Nadia. "Well, time to get going. Watch my back."

"You make that sound like a chore," commented Hikaru.

Nadia glanced at him. "Are you flirting with me?"

Hikaru blinked. "I guess I am. Wow. Now I know this is a genuine apocalypse." Nadia smiled at him as they headed off. A voice in the back of Hikaru's head told him to think about what he was getting himself into.

He managed to ignore it.

-----

"Here's Miroku," noted Saori.

Hikaru nodded. "Bring him over here." He picked up the sword. "Well, now we know she's got Inu-Yasha—he never drops Tetsaiga." He took a practice swing.

"That's the same sword?" asked Onizuka. "It's tiny. And beat up."

"There's a spell on it," said Hikaru, idly going through a sword drill. "Only one such as Son of Satan can wield it at its full power." He nodded. "Nice heft, I have to admit."

"This is my fault," said Nadia quietly. "I should have realized I was underpowering this team." She glanced at Hikaru. "It should have been one of us with Inu-Yasha and the other with Miroku. We're both powerful enough to handle her—it was foolish to pair us."

Hikaru looked at her. "Don't forget, I agreed with your ideas. I should have seen it too." He shook his head. "And I feel like an especial idiot for complaining about nobody paying attention to things, and then letting myself miss the obvious. That girl had an itch for Inu-Yasha any fool could see, and I managed to ignore the likelihood that she'd go after him first."

"Well," said Onizuka, cracking his knuckles, "let's go get him. I figure a little ass-kicking will make everything better."

Saori nodded. "Hear, hear…"

Nadia shook her head. "No—she's expecting this. That's one of the reasons she didd this—to unbalance us, and get us to act without thinking."

"So we just leave your friend?" asked Saori angrily.

Nadia shook her head. "No. We'll find him—that will be easy, because it's what she wants us to do. But when we do, we think things through, then attack." Her eyes closed. "It's the only way to win."

"Sub-Mariner's right," said Hikaru. "We have to remember, this is Captain Oni's game—one that she's never lost at." He shook his head. "We can't afford to think of her as merely a ditz. No matter how much that seems to be the case."

-----

"Teeheeheehee-tcha!" Lum smiled at the captive Inu-Yasha, as swung from the tree branch. "You know, when I wing this match, I'm going to have you spared, darling. You're so handsome, it'd be a waste to have you liquidated."

Inu-Yasha stared at her for a moment. "Yer one crazy dame, ya know that?"

Lum giggled. "You say the nicest things, my pwecious darling!"

Inu-Yasha blanched at being called darling, especially by a woman who'd him upside down from a tree, but then a thought hit him—he could use this. "Say, Lum—if ya love me, how 'bout ya don't destroy my home?"

Lum smiled at him fondly. "Oh my silly little darling! If I don't bwow up your silly ol' planet, then my cousin Ten'll kill me, which means you'll be sad, 'cause I'll be dead." She embraced him passionately. "See! I'm destroying the Earth because I love you!"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "How 'bout you untie me…?" he whimpered desperately.

"After I win the contest," answered Lum calmly. "Don't want you cheating, now do I darling? Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Inu-Yasha shut his eyes. Okay, so his plan had failed. They usually did when you got down to it. Thinking wasn't his strong point.

There was a rustling in the bushes. Lum released the half-demon from her embrace, and glanced towards them. "Oh, look darling! One of your fwiends is here!" The Hulk burst from the bushes. Inu-Yasha gulped. He hoped the ugly green jerk had forgotten about his hand.

-----

The Hulk glanced at the horn girl, and the ugly dog boy. For a moment, he wondered what to do. But the Hulk was a simple soul. Striking visual images were what stuck with him. Like the pretty hammer girl. Or the tree that the stupid magician had smashed.

The Hulk gulped. He didn't want the stupid magician to smash him. He charged at the horn girl and swung. The Hulk blinked. The horn girl had leapt onto his arm when he'd swung at her, and was presently perched quite easily on it. The Hulk frowned. That was wrong. When the Hulk swung at things, he hit them, and then they got smashed. The horn girl not doing that reminded him of his stupid enemy, who also did the wrong thing, and didn't get hit. The Hulk really hated his stupid enemy. Snarling, he swatted at the horn girl. She leapt onto his other arm, causing the Hulk to hit himself.

It hurt. It hurt worse than when the stupid magician had made his hand a bee.

-----

Hikaru and Nadia were the first to trace the Hulk's bellowing to its source. When they got there, Nadia blinked. "Is she getting the Hulk to beat himself up?"

Hikaru nodded. Captain Oni was standing on the Hulk, peppering him with a few blows, then leaping out of the way so that the giant hit himself. "It definitely looks like it."

"-And for the last time, I'm telling you if you're going to get touchy, you can carry yourself," said Saori.

"But my injuries," moaned Miroku.

"Whoa!" said Onizuka. "Is she gettin' the Hulk to beat himself up?"

"It's been noted," said Hikaru and Nadia simultaneously.

Hikaru blinked. "Oh, great, now I'm starting to resemble you."

Nadia glanced at him. "I don't see any color coming into your cheeks."

"That takes a lot of effort," answered Hikaru.

Lum finally stood still just a second too long, and was caught by a wicked blow that knocked her to the ground. The Hulk grabbed her and squeezed. "Horn girl make fun of Hulk! Hulk CRUSH!"

Hikaru blinked. "Damn. The Pistachio Ponce might just win this one."

"If he remembers to grab her horns," noted Nadia.

"Not necessarily. We can just grab them on whatever carcass is left when he's finished."

Saori blinked. "Boy, you're cruel."

"Nah," said Hikaru. "Just Machiavellian."

"I hate to say it," said Nadia quietly, "but if it comes down to her life and the uncounted billions of Earth—then she will die."

"And let's not forget we'll be de saving whatever the next stop is on the Galactus Raceway Love Tour," noted Hikaru.

Lum strained against the Hulk's fist. "Horn girl not like get crushed, do she?" said the Hulk sternly. Suddenly Lum shot out a blaze of energy. The Hulk screamed and released her. Lum continued to shoot bolts at him. Finally, she pressed her hands into the giant's chest. The Hulk groaned weakly and collapsed. Lum stood over the mammoth form triumphantly.

"Not particularly," she noted.

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru.

"Let's strike now!" said Nadia. "She's still recovering."

"Did you see what she just did?" yelled Saori.

"I saw," said Nadia calmly, leaping into a sprint.

Hikaru shrugged. "Follow me, mes pards. Follow me…"

Nadia rushed at Lum, striking her solidly in the chest. Lum tumbled backwards, then caught her balance and leapt to her feet. She swung at Nadia, a skilled blow Nadia just narrowly dodged. Nadia struck at Lum gingerly, only for the Oni warrior to ward off her blows using only her left arm. Lum made a quick crescent kick that Nadia narrowly ducked under, only to be suddenly knocked off balance. A hand made a quick grab at her horns as she fell. Lum recovered and made a sweep kick that her opponent leapt over. She stood up, smiling. "You are good," she said. "I felt no hint of your presence."

Hikaru frowned. "Oh, thanks. I was hoping to beat you, but your faint praise is payment enough."

Lum smiled at him, then glanced at Nadia. The Sub-Mariner's mouth clenched. "I chose you well," muttered the Oni. She raised her hand, and waved them in. Hikaru and Nadia rushed together as one. Lum dodged the flurry of blows coming at her in two directions, then took to the attack. Hikaru and Nadia avoided her strikes, looking for openings. Suddenly, a fist slammed into Lum's back, knocking her forwards. She did a handspring as she fell, and twisted midair. She turned to look at Onizuka, Saori behind him.

"The first thing the Great Hero Iron Fist learnt in streetfighting was—always watch your back."

Lum smiled, then charged forward. She and Saori met with twin blows, both fighters being knocked back by their opponent's force. Lum regained her balance first. She was about to charge at the still-unbalanced Ms. Power when Hikaru and Nadia leapt at her. She wielded off their attacks breath coming fast, as Saori and Onizuka joined the grand melee. With the grace of a master warrior, Lum dodged what blows she could, and cagily absorbed those she couldn't. Finally four blows connected at once. Lum stiffened to remain standing, then smiled. A circle of energy emanated from her, knocking her opponents back. She gathered more energy to her, readying a blast. As she let it loose, Hikaru created a shimmering wall before him and his companions, blocking the blast. Lum was knocked backwards in the backlash, tumbling to the ground.

She stood up, unsteadily. The four heroes stared at her quietly. Lum shook her head, smiling. "Magnificent," she muttered, then soared into the air.

"Oh, crap," said Hikaru softly.

"You say that an awful lot," muttered Nadia.

"Well, at least it means what I think it means," noted Hikaru.

"Umm, guys," muttered Onizuka. "It's the Hulk. He's hurt—really bad." He paused. "I think that blast—well even he—he's breathing funny."

Hikaru turned to the fallen titan. "Well, just let me take a—oh, boy." He stared at the Hulk quietly. "Green Genie really took a pounding for us, didn't he?" He knelt beside him. "Well, we'll have the Day-Glo Dimwit back to his relative normal in no time."

"You're going to heal that thing?" said Saori incredulously.

"He was hurt fighting on my side," said Hikaru harshly. "I owe him." He touched his hand, a gentle blue glow emanating from it, to the Hulk's chest.

"He's a living thing, Ms. Power," said Nadia softly, "with as much right to live as any other creature. He simply cannot help his nature. Poor beast. I pity him. It is a terrible thing to be panicked, and alone, to be surrounded by millions, and see no friendly face." She nodded quietly. "I know that—very well."

"There," said Hikaru. "You don't need much help, do you, you neon numbskull? Just a gentle nudge, and you're on your way…"

The Hulk sat up unsteadily, and shook his head. He looked at Hikaru in wonder. "Stupid magician help Hulk," he muttered. "Why he do that?"

"Hulk get hurt helping stupid magician," answered Hikaru. "Stupid magician feel obligated. He like that." The Hulk nodded dimly.

"Umm, guys," said Inu-Yasha. "First, I'd really like outta this tree. Second, the psycho bitch is comin' back."

Hikaru glanced up to see Captain Oni soaring towards them. He glanced at Nadia. "Shall we?"

"Why, shan't we?" she replied. The pair stood up, and took to the air.

"He can fly?" said Saori.

"He can fly," answered Inu-Yasha "Now some help here…"

Hikaru and Nadia met Lum in the air. Lum twisted, dodging their fists, then rolled beneath them. As the pair watched, she sped past them. "She's fast," said Nadia.

"She's readying a bolt at the ones on the ground."

"Odds, bobs, hammer, and tongs," said Nadia, slapping her forehead. "We rose to her bait, again." She glanced at Hikaru. "Can you set up a barrier?"

"At this distance? Not with any reliability," answered Hikaru.

"And I don't think either of us is fast enough to catch up with her," said Nadia sourly.

"We don't have to be." Hikaru cupped his hand to his mouth. "Guys! She's getting ready to attack you!" He looked at Nadia. "Ventriloquism. Not the most handy power in the world, but it has its uses."

The five allies on the ground glanced up, as Miroku finished untying Inu-Yasha. "Think you can make it," Saori asked Onizuka.

"Probably," he answered. Before any of them could run, however, something surprising happened.

The Hulk leapt into the air, knocking into Lum. The pair fell from the sky, Lum's charge fizzling, and plunged into the park's lake, some ways away. Nadia and Hikaru touched down on the lakeside. Hikaru glanced to the other side. "Lum is dragging herself out of the lake. She looks bedraggled, but fine."

"And the Hulk?"

Hikaru blinked. "The big green dope is now a big green pig."

Nadia's eyes widened in surprise. "Can pigs swim?"

"Not especially well."

Nadia nodded, and leapt in. She emerged a moment later, holding the large, panicking green pig. "It's all right," she whispered. "It's okay…"

As she set it down, Hikaru glanced it over and nodded. "Jusenkyo," he muttered quietly, and pulled a thermos out of his cloak. Nadia glanced at him. "My coffee," said Hikaru. "I need the occasional caffeine fix. And by occasional, I mean regular."

"What else do you keep in that cloak?" asked Nadia.

"Wouldn't you like to know," said Hikaru, unscrewing the thermos top. He poured some coffee onto the pig.

It was instantly the Hulk again.

"How'd you—?" began Nadia.

"Magicians don't reveal trade secrets," answered Hikaru. "Even stupid ones."

"Magicians or secrets?" asked Nadia.

"Both."

The Hulk blinked at them. "You save Hulk," he said pointing to Nadia. "How puny girl do that?"

"Puny girl fish girl," answered Hikaru.

The Hulk glanced at him. "Fish girl." He shook his huge head. "Stupid magician make Hulk Hulk again. He keep helping Hulk. Why he do that?"

"Stupid magician got many reasons," answered Hikaru. "Like say, stupid magician Hulk like many ways."

"How?" asked the Hulk plaintively.

"Stupid magician know what like have people hate you for face," answered Hikaru earnestly.

The Hulk mulled that over. "Stupid magician not hate Hulk?"

"No. Stupid magician not hate Hulk."

"Stupid magician—friend Hulk?"

Hikaru was quiet for a moment. "Yes," he finally nodded. "Stupid magician friend Hulk."

The Hulk stared at him, then clasped Hikaru tightly to his shoulder. "Stupid magician Hulk friend!"

"Easy, Gruesome," chuckled Hikaru. "Stupid magician need air to stay friend…"

The Hulk glanced at Nadia. "Fish girl also friend?"

Nadia hugged him. "Yes, Hulk. Fish girl also friend."

The Hulk smiled. "Nice have friends."

Saori came around a tree and blinked. "What—?"

"Just making friends," said Hikaru, extracting himself from the Hulk's grasp.

"So," said Inu-Yasha, joining them, "what do we do now?"

Hikaru looked over the gathering crowd. "I'll tell you what we do. We stop fighting Captain Oni on her terms, which is what we've been doing. Those are the terms she's been winning on, and if we fight on them, we lose." Hikaru frowned. "I think I speak for every manjack of us when I say I'd rather die twice then see Earth destroyed for the pleasure of what appears to be the most cretinous race in the universe. Am I right?"

There was an almost universal nod. The Hulk sniffled.

"What's wrong, my good green Gargantua?" asked Hikaru.

"Hulk lose flowers for pretty hammer girl," he whimpered.

Hikaru reached into his cloak and pulled out the Hulk's crude bouquet. Nadia stared at him. "Okay, now how did you do THAT?"

"I'll tell you later," said Hikaru. "Now, I've got a plan, and as everyone who knows me can tell you, the plan I get after getting pounded by these guys for nearly an hour usually works." He meditatively stroked his chin. "I have no idea why. I think it's the blood rushing to my head."

-----

Inu-Yasha and Nadia glanced at Lum, busily stretching in a clearing. "Well, there she is," said Inu-Yasha. "Just like I said she'd be…"

"That is correct," said Nadia, limbering up her hands.

"I don't see why yer the one fightin' her," said Inu-Yasha.

"Because I can last the longest, and fight the best," answered Nadia. "I respect you Inu-Yasha, but you're more a powerful fighter than a skilled one. And this job will require skill."

Inu-Yasha frowned. "She could kill ya, you know."

Nadia smiled. "I'm aware of that fact. Now go join Hikaru. He's counting on you." Inu-Yasha nodded and darted away. Nadia took a deep breath, and strode forward. "Captain Oni! I challenge you! This fight is not over!"

Lum turned. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! Why it's the Sub-Mariner! I was hoping to fight you again! You're very good!"

Nadia crossed her arms. "Good? I'm a master warrior, and a brilliant tactician. I'm as strong as a hundred men, and as fast as a hundred winds. I'm in a class by myself." She smiled at Lum condescendingly. "Now, you child, are merely good."

Lum smiled. "Oh, goodie! Trash talking!" She took a fighting pose. "So, Miss Sub-Mariner, if I'm just good, how come I was able to hold you off when you had three fighters on your side?"

"Because then I had to worry about them." Nadia shook her head. "And now there's just me."

Lum giggled and charged forward. Nadia ducked down and tripped Lum as she passed. Lum rolled a ways, then leapt to her feet. Nadia ran off, being careful not to make it obvious she was leading Lum on a predetermined course. Nadia smiled. Once again, bait was being offered, but this time, Lum was the one taking it.

-----

Inu-Yasha glanced at Hikaru. The sorcerer was sitting cross-legged, eyes shut. Before him sat the Book of Vishanti. Inu-Yasha looked at it. On it was some nonsense about 'the prison of the self'. Somehow, reading self-help nonsense didn't seem to helpful to him. He looked at Hikaru. "What're ya doin'?"

"Approaching stillness. Appreciating silence. Now hush."

"Aw, come on," groused Inu-Yasha.

"Leave him alone," said Miroku. "He's entering into deep meditation."

"You can tell?"

Miroku nodded. "I am a monk. Those are advanced techniques—indeed, I believe they represent the height of the adept. These are the methods of a master."

"Wow," said Inu-Yasha. "What are they called?"

Miroku paled. "I, uh, really didn't progress far enough in meditation myself to know their names. However, when the big wheels at the monastery meditated, they did it the way he does."

Inu-Yasha stared at Miroku for a moment. "Ya really sucked as a monk, didnchya?"

Miroku sighed. "Sadly, yes."

-----

Nadia and Lum traded blows on the dusky field. As their arms locked, Lum smiled. "You really are a master," she said cheerfully.

Nadia kicked Lum in the shin, and threw her forward. "First rule of being a master," she said, walking towards the fallen Oni. "Don't distract yourself."

Lum leapt up, kicking Nadia in the head, then grabbing her arms, and tossing Nadia over her shoulder. She turned. "Second rule," said Lum. "Just because your opponent's fallen, don't assume they're down."

Nadia grinned up at her. "Seems like you haven't learned that one, Captain."

A boulder slammed into Lum, knocking her down. Several others followed it.

"Stupid horn girl hurt fish girl! Hulk smash stupid horn girl!"

Saori glanced at the jade giant, as she hefted another boulder at the struggling Oni. "You know, I could learn to like you."

"Banzai!" shouted Onizuka. "Another perfect pitch from the Great Hero Iron Fist!"

Lum tottered as the boulders smashed into her. "Slowing down, Captain Oni?" taunted Nadia. She leapt at Lum, her hands reaching for the Oni's horns. The disorientated girl ducked down, sending Nadia streaking towards the next incoming boulder. Nadia gave a startled cry and punched through the stone. It was a moment's delay, but it was all Lum needed. The Oni summoned up a blazing sphere of energy that disintegrated the boulders as they rushed towards her.

"I'm just getting started, Sub-Mariner," stated Captain Oni with a determined smile.

Nadia nodded. Attempt number one was a failure. But there was still attempt number two…

She crawled towards the cairn of stones Hikaru had put up for just this purpose, and knocked them over.

-----

Hikaru's eyes snapped open. "It is time." He glanced at Inu-Yasha and Miroku. "Go to our ambush. You might be needed." The pair nodded and dashed off. Hikaru shut his eyes and began to chant.

----

Lum laughed. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! This is the best you got? Why my decrepit old grandmother was in better shape the day she died!" Lum shook her head sadly. "Ten told her not to go aboard the ship…"

At that moment, the sky darkened. A black cloud appeared. A bolt of lightening streaked down, striking Lum, and sending her sprawling.

The fact that this was in an artificial environment on board a space ship only made it more remarkable.

As Lum got to her feet, she was startled to see Hikaru Gosunkugi standing there before her. "Where'd you come from?"

"Everywhere—" answered Hikaru.

"—And nowhere," answered a second Hikaru that appeared next to him.

"Being!" shouted a third.

"And nonbeing!" a fourth.

"Darkness!" another.

"And light!" came the answer.

"I come from magic!" the gathering throng of Hikarus shouted, as they began to march towards Lum. The Oni gulped and flared up her protective shield of energy. The Hikarus pressed against it, seeming to grown incorporeal. "Magic in life! Magic in death! Magic in strife! Magic in breath!" As Lum began to scream, the Hikarus transformed into an inky black sphere that engulfed her.

A wan Hikaru flickered into existence. He shook his head, tired. "So, now it ends," he muttered. He limped towards the sphere. "Release the head." Lum's face emerged from the black globe. It was quickly followed by her fist, crackling with energy, which knocked Hikaru away. Lum fell to the ground as the sphere dispersed. She remained there, breathing heavily.

"Hikaru!" shouted Nadia. She grabbed his limp body and lifted her up in her arms, carrying him away from the hyperventilating Oni.

"Don't mind me," he said weakly. "Grab the horns."

"Hikaru, if you're there when she comes to, we're probably just as dead."

"Don't necessarily blame her for that," muttered Hikaru. "My head—too much magicking—and I teleported on top of that…"

"You want to throw up?" asked Nadia.

"Not need—want," corrected Hikaru. "Need and want are different things."

"Stupid magician not talk," said the Hulk with surprising gentleness. "Him real hurt."

Hikaru glanced around at his gathered allies. "Who's—taking care of Captain Oni?"

"You covered that," answered Nadia calmly.

Lum slowly stood to her feet, her face now scowling. She made a tottering effort to stand upright, and then managed to step forward. Then a large staff hit her in the back. She fell to the ground. Miroku deftly rolled in front of her, and readied his hand to strike.

"That's it Miroku!" shouted Hikaru. "Grab them!" The hand struck. Hikaru winced. "Wrong them."

Lum blinked in outrage. After a few seconds in utter shock, she screamed, "You—filthy PERVERT!" and smacked Miroku in the face.

It was a moment's distraction—not much, but enough for Inu-Yasha to rush in behind her and grab Lum's horns. Lum's eyes once again widened in shock. "You beat me," she gasped.

"That's right, Cap'n," smirked Inu-Yasha.

"Do you know what this means?" asked Lum slowly.

"Ya ain't gonna blow up Earth," snapped the half-demon.

"Well, yeah," admitted Lum. "But you have to marry me!"

If the expression on Inu-Yasha's face had been photographed, it could have been used in the dictionary next to 'horror'.

-----

"Well there, boy," said Admiral Invader, Lum's father, and First Champion of the Emperor, "I hope you decide to do what's right by my daughter."

"Shove her down a well?" muttered Inu-Yasha quietly. Hikaru gave him a quick jab in the side. The oni it seemed, had an interesting custom as regarded marriage. If a male beat a female (or vice versa) at their version of Tag, it was considered an offer of betrothal. If the loser accepted, then they were considered engaged. Of course, the winner could always refuse, but doing so marked both of them with great social stigma.

Somehow, Hikaru thought Invader would gladly blow up the Earth if his daughter was summarily jilted.

Invader glanced Inu-Yasha over one more time. "Well, can't say I approve, but as long as you're happy," he said distractedly. "At least this takes care of the Rei situation."

"An' don't I know it, Daddy!" chattered Lum.

"Now, off of matters of the heart, and onto matters of the Empire," continued Invader, a grave tone to his voice. "The Earth is now one of the protected sections of the Oni Empire, under its own jurisdiction, and untouchable even by the Emperor. This matter shall stand unless another challenge is made, and the Earth fails. Furthermore, if any challenge is issued, Earth may choose her own protectors, and they shall be seven in number." He stared at them. "You've won a great victory for your world, Earthlings. You have my respect."

"And mine!" giggled Lum. "The best darn match I ever had, even if I did lose!"

"Silence, Captain," said Invader harshly.

"But Daddy—"

"I am speaking as your superior officer Lum, not as your father. You have failed Empire, and Emperor. You have ruined the plans for the Galactus Raceway, and you have destroyed your own reputation." He took a deep breath. "Only three times has an Oni champion so humiliated themselves in a matter of such importance."

"The first was Ro against the Skrull, and he willingly subjected himself to a second challenge, was victorious, and killed himself. And so his name is forever honored."

"The second was Chai against the Ctarl'Ctarl, who chose exile and shame, dying in dishonor and disgrace. And so the name of Chai is forever anathema."

"The third was Bo against the Puchuus, and of his fate, like the Puchuus themselves, we do not speak, save in a hushed whispers in the dead of night."

Lum, despite her natural cheeriness, gulped. "Well, if I just do what Ro—"

"Beat them and kill yourself?" Invader snorted. "Thanks to your vanity, you've given Earth such an advantage that even you could not win. And you are our greatest champion." Invader sighed. "For you, daughter, is the path of Chai."

Lum shuddered. "You're—exiling me?"

"Yes, Lum, that is exactly what I'm doing. You are deprived of command immediately. You will depart from this vessel, and begin your life among the creatures whose virtual invulnerability you helped create."

"Leave… my ship…?" Lum's voice seemed laden with shock.

Invader shut his eyes. "As a father, Lum, I wish you well. As your commander, and a citizen of the Oni Empire, I wish you a horrifically painful and long death. To those parts of me, you are no longer Oni—you are anathema." He nodded. "Goodbye." As the screen faded out, Hikaru heard him shout. "Are you sure there are no Skrull here?"

Lum was silent for awhile, then coughed awkwardly. She glanced at her former opponents. "So—any of you know a place I can stay?"

Mar-Vell and Una gave each other a high-five.

-----

Kagome sat in Hikaru's den. "Oh guys, where are you?"

At that point seven people materialized next to her. "Hikaru! Inu-Yasha! Nadia! Miroku!" Her gaze lingered for a moment on Saori. "Princess Power?"

"It's 'Ms. Power' now, but yeah," said Saori embaressedly.

Kagome clutched her hand eagerly. "Oh, wow! I'm your biggest fan!" She squealed. "To think I'm holding the hand of prominent superhero and former League of Magical Girls member Princess Power!"

Saori was looking at her approvingly. "I hear you're a superhero yourself. If you ever want some—hands on training…"

"Statutory," coughed Onizuka.

"Come by in a few years," she finished sourly. She turned and gestured to Onizuka. "This is Iron Fist, my loudmouth partner."

Kagome shook his hand idly while keeping eye contact with Saori. "Nice to meet you, and I am going to take you up on that invitation someday, Ms. Power."

"It'll be a pleasure," cooed Saori, as Onizuka either coughed or giggled into his handkerchief.

Kagome grinned. "And remember, the next time you're on a job, and you need help, you can always count on—THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!"

"No, Kagome."

"Fine," she sighed. "The presently unnamed group of superheroes."

"Well," said Onizuka, "I'd like to think the same thing goes in reverse." He reached into his pocket, and handed Hikaru a card. The card showed two fists striking each other. One said 'Iron Fist', the other 'Ms. Power'. Beneath them was the words 'Heroes for Hire' and a phone number. "Call us some time," noted Onizuka. "When you need us. Or—whenever." He smiled. "And remember we owe you one."

"You two were as much help as anybody, Onizuka."

The hero chuckled and shook his head. "Thanks, but I know we were just tagging along for the ride. Saori and I really aren't cut out for this cosmic stuff. We're more local."

"Well—thank you," said Hikaru quietly.

Saori shook her head. "You know, when I met you I thought you were a hopeless whiner."

"And I thought you two were reckless drunks," answered Hikaru. "We were both right, but we also both more fundamentally wrong." He smiled. "Take care you two."

The pair nodded, and walked out the doorway. Saori glanced at Onizuka. "Now why'd you tell him we owed him? He'll be getting a freebie now."

"Oh, lay off willya? It'll even up." Onizuka shook his head. "Man, Ryuji will never believe this."

Saori chuckled. "That's because you used to tell him all those alien abduction stories…"

"Those were true, damn it!"

Nadia smiled. "Hard to imagine those are the same two people we fought the Hulk with."

Hikaru chuckled, then froze. "Say—speaking of the Great Green Gobstopper, where is he?"

"Oh, don't worry," said Lum. "My crew dropped him off, as per his directions." Nadia and Hikaru glanced at each other worriedly.

-----

The Hulk glanced around his destination, puzzled, pretty flowers in hand.

It seemed a lot colder than he remembered.

A pair of passerby gawked at him. "Crikey Wallace! Look at that green bloke! He's a tall drink of water, eh?"

"Bob's your uncle, Jack. Bob's your uncle."

The Hulk blinked and then leapt from Trafalgar Square as he started the long way back home.

-----

"That poor green bastard," muttered Hikaru.

"He'll be fine," said Nadia soothingly.

"Sure," mumbled Hikaru. "What trouble can a feebleminded green giant with a noble spirit and a hair trigger temper get into?"

"Ahem," coughed Kagome. "Who is that woman?" she asked, pointing at Lum, who was clinging affectionately to Inu-Yasha.

Miroku coughed. "Going upstairs, watching a movie."

Lum glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Darling, who is this shrill girl?"

"Darling?" said Kagome in deadly tones.

"All will be explained," said Hikaru. "For starters, this is Lum Oni—your new houseguest!"

Inu-Yasha gulped. "I thought you were gonna take her…"

"Nope, I got the last two," said Hikaru bluntly. "I want to share the love, so this one's yours. Because that's the kind of guy I am! Generous." He glanced at Kagome. "Inu-Yasha can fill you in on the details."

Lum giggled. "Ooh, I'll help! Anything for my pwecious darling! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

"Inu-Yasha," drawled Kagome, "the dining room. Now."

"I hate you," whimpered the half demon as he left with Lum in tow.

"I know," said Hikaru. "I'm bad. I'm nationwide. Now go have fun."

As the door shut, Nadia glanced at Hikaru. "Aren't you a little worried about this?"

"SIT!" came Kagome's offended voice.

"Oh, my poor widdle darling," cooed Lum.

"They'll work something out," said Hikaru calmly.

"You're probably right," said Nadia. "So you want to—go get a soda? Or something?"

Hikaru glanced at her uneasily. "Nadia—I'm interested in—someone else. A girl I know."

Nadia stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. "You thought I was—" She smiled and shook her head. "Oh—come on!" She laughed quite hard. "I just wanted—you know to relax. As friends." She walked away very quickly. "I mean, really, why would I be interested in a guy like you?" Nadia bit her lips and headed upstairs. "Jerk," she muttered in a tone she thought Hikaru couldn't hear. In fact, he could. A part of him wanted to follow her and tell her something. But even that part of him couldn't think of anything to say.

"Hey, Hikaru!" said Kagome. "Want some lemonade? I made it while I was waiting for you guys."

Hikaru nodded. "Sounds great." He glanced at her. "How are things between you and Inu-Yasha?"

"We've reached an understanding," she said slowly. "I've understood all I want to, and now I'm not listening."

"Why, Kagome," said Hikaru fondly. "I believe you just cracked a joke. I guess I'm rubbing off on you."

"I hope so," said Kagome wistfully. "I wish I was more like you sometimes. You always know something clever to say."

"That isn't always the case," he muttered softly. "In fact, it used to be I could never figure out anything to say." He shook his head. "No, that's wrong. I usually could—I just didn't have the guts to say it." He glanced at her. "Which is an area in which you've rubbed off on me." Hikaru smiled. "So I guess we're both helping each other." He laughed. "It's funny—I learned a lot today. I learned I can work with people I may not initially like, earn their respect, and come to respect them in turn. And yet, when I look back, I see this is a lesson I've been learning for some time now." He shook his head. "It's sure been one odd month."

"So," said Kagome hopefully, "does this mean you take back all those mean things you said about Captain Japan?"

"Hell no. I hate that fascistic bastard." Hikaru frowned severely. "I mean, really? How am I supposed to respect someone who names their sidekick 'Bucky'?"

-----

NEXT CHAPTER

LUM: Hey people! Naturally, after such an exciting chapter, you're wondering how they're going to top this one! Well, they aren't even going to try! Next chapter is some boring 'introspection' and a change-of-pace, slice-of-life sort of thing, so if you just want to skip it for the chapter after that, well, I don't—HEY!

KAGOME: What are you talking about? Next chapter is great! Folks, I know I wasn't in this one very long, but next chapter—I'M BIG! I'm practically narrating it! You'll get to see my thoughts, hear my viewpoints! It'll be—OUCH! LET GO OF MY HAIR!!

LUM: Oh, like they care about you—I'm the exciting new character! YEOOW!

KAGOME: Let me go! I said—AARGH!

CRIMSON COWL: Hey gang! I've got a cameo, so don't blink or you'll miss it.

NADIA: You're quiet, Miroku. Usually your wondering why you didn't get to do the chapter?

MIROKU: Mmm—what? Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was watching Lum and Kagome. Say, you—wouldn't happen to know where I can get a—vat of pudding would you?

HIKARU: Join us next time for 'Strange Interlude'. And no, there won't be any pudding, in vats, or otherwise…

-----

Author's Notes:

I think I've reached the point where I've ripped off so many people that all I can say is—I don't own any of these guys—please don't sue.

On Lum—first, for those who haven't guessed, she's this universe's Captain Marvel equivalent (the first one, not the women or Genis). Of course, some will say Mar-Vell wasn't actually a Defender, but he was one of the many superheroes who sort of flirted with membership, as writers used the title to keep their favorites in the public eye. And some will say the Silver Surfer would be a better choice, to which I say—LAY OFF WILL YOU? I've got my reasons for this! Reasons I can't go into! Reasons I don't particularly care to go into! Are you getting me?

On the whole I think it works quite well.

Also, the 'tcha' issue—in Japanese 'tcha' is nonsense, essentially a bit of babytalk added to the end of verbs in an effort to be cute. Including it in her speech would be both redundant and cumbersome. However, it is a distinctive part of Lum's character—so I put it on the end of her giggle. It's not canon, but it does what it has to.

And I know the Oni don't really have the whole 'Amazon' wedding thing, but hey. I needed someway to rake Inu-Yasha over the coals…