Defending

by David Dee

Set in DB Sommer's "Avenging" universe. The world's strangest sort-of team of kind of superheroes is not really gathered, under the quasi- leadership of Dr. Strange aka Hikaru Gosunkugi . With so many parentheses, it has to be good!

7. Strange Interlude

Kagome's Diary,

My word for the day is epiphany. It means 'a sudden realization'.

This word for a day stuff is new! Hikaru suggested it! I was talking to him about how good he is with words and, he said…

-----

"It's really not that difficult," said Hikaru. "You just have to find words that nobody uses, and use them. As you do so, your vocabulary increases, and your skill with language improves. That's all I've ever done."

"Yeah, but you read an' stuff," said Kagome. "I sorta—don't."

Hikaru sighed. "How about this? Go to your dictionary. Flip open a page. Close your eyes, and put your finger on a word. If you don't know the word, try to use in a sentence." He bit his lip. "I'd make that a written sentence. A person has to walk before they can run."

"What if I know the word?"

"You go to the next one down. If you know that one, you go to the one after that. If you know every word in that direction, you go in the opposite direction. If you know every word on the page, you go to a different page.

"And if I can't find a page with words I don't know on it?"

Hikaru chuckled. "Then you buy a bigger dictionary."

-----

So that's what I did! And that's just what I'm going to do! I'm tired of the villains laughing at my pronouncements, and I epiphanied that I needed to improve my vocabulary.

Hey! I did it! I used it! That was easy!

Update: Just showed Hikaru. He indicated I had not fulfilled my 'word a day' obiligatory yet. Oh, well. Plenty of time. It's been awhile since I wrote—and I've got lots to write about. It's been a busy week—especially for Hikaru…

----

Defending

Chapter 7—Strange Interlude

An "Avenging" Spinoff

David Dee

-----

It's hard to figure out where it all started. Particley cause it began in a lot of places, all at once. Still, I suppose the best place to begin would be three days ago. We were at the café and Hikaru was sharing his opinions about some of our superheroy allies in the struggle against ickiness.

----

"—A lot of corporate hacks and fascist warmongers!" shouted Hikaru, pounding his fist on the table.

Nadia glanced at him, smiling ironically. "Well, don't hold anything back, Hikaru. Tell us what you think."

"Thank you, I shall," answered Hikaru. "Though I should point out that I hardly need an invitation to hold back opinions that are so dear to me." He took a deep breath. "It makes me physically ill to be sharing the same landmass as some of these people, much less the same profession." He shook his head. "But every day the papers and TV tell me to admire the Fantastic Marketing Devices, Captain Imperial Japan, and his cheerful sidekick, Bucky the Wonder Trollop. And don't get me started on the Iron Rose!"

Kagome blinked. "What's wrong with the Iron Rose?"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Okay, I'll tell you about the Iron Rose."

Miroku whimpered. "He's starting again, Nadia…"

Nadia sighed. "I know, Miroku."

Miroku gulped. "I just don't think I can take it again…"

"Now, the invincible Iron Rose is, as we all know, a bodyguard in the employ of Kunou Industries, or as I like to call it—'Evil, Incorporated'." He drew several pictures from a satchel.

Miroku's head collided with the table. "Oh, no—he's bringing out the pictures."

"Now to understand my contempt for the House that Satan Built, I must tell you of the man whose keen eye, steel will, and utter lack of what most people call scruples made it possible." Hikaru flipped a picture over. It showed a brightly smiling man wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt. "Kunou Senior, Japan's answer to Mengele." He thought that over. "Well, second answer, anyway…"

Kagome blinked. "That jolly fellow?"

Hikaru chuckled. "Oh, how accurate you are, Kagome. Kunou was the jolliest of fellows, a veritable Santa Claus who left lethal weapons in the stockings of all the good little dictators who sent a deposit to his magical bank account in the Swiss Alps." He tapped the picture lightly. "Kunou was queer for three things—munitions, horticulture, and Hawaii, and he attempted to demonstrate said queerness by attempting to dominate them financially." Hikaru frowned. "He faced severe setbacks only in Hawaii. Kunou made his reputation as a man who would sell weapons to anybody—terrorists, mercenaries, revolutionaries, drug dealers, eccentric millionaires who wanted an interesting conversation piece." He shook his head. "He nearly got into a great deal of trouble when one of the latter accidentally blew up a small isle in the Bahammas."

"So, how come he wasn't arrested?" asked Kagome.

"Because Kunou knew how to butter both sides of his bread. He wasn't just selling to rogue states and criminals—he was selling them to the people who get to determine who the rogue states and criminals are, at half the price, and twice the volume. The authorities weren't going to ruin that beautiful relationship for a paltry little thing called ethics." Hikaru shrugged. "As long as Kunou maneuvered so that a cursory investigation would turn up nothing, they were happy. And that's exactly what he did. Dummy companies, second and third-party contractors, non-existent middlemen—Kunou used every trick in the book to provide Kunou Industries with that magical barrier known as 'plausible deniability'." His eyes shut, his expression tired. "Despite numerous exposés, every single investigation into criminal action on the part of Kunou stalled, and eventually stopped." Hikaru put the picture down. "Cut to the present, when Kunou has done the world the great favor of disappearing, an act for which I personally feel he should win the Nobel Peace Prize."

Hikaru lifted up a photo of a handsome young man preening for the camera, a bit of arm candy hoisted to his side. "Takewatchi Kunou—his only son, and Daddy's golden boy. Taki's big accomplishments are dating lots of women, and going to lots of parties. Oh, and allegedly he's a kendo champion of some note, but I don't see it. Not enough killer instinct." He tossed the picture on the table dismissively. "Takewatchi is a non-entity who couldn't run Kunou Industries if he wanted to, which he doesn't. The fact that he disappeared a while back only makes him more of one. Which leaves with the last member of the family Kunou." He flipped over the third photo. It showed an attractive (if forlorn-looking) young woman sitting in a greenhouse full of black roses. "Kodachi Kunou. The living ice sculpture that Kunuo senior carved himself. She's a genius at horticulture and munitions. See those black roses? She cultivated them herself."

"Oh, neat…" began Kagome.

"That same year, she also made a tank that fired shells with greater range and accuracy, and a napalm that burned with 50 more efficiency." He grinned. "Quite the accomplished young woman, eh?"

"Eep," gulped Kagome.

"Kodachi Kunou is a girl full of eep," said Hikaru. "I can honestly say she is one of the most profound technical geniuses in the world today—easily in the same league as Makoto Mizuhara and Reed Richards. Her theories in aerodynamics and advanced laser application are, without exaggeration, groundbreaking. They are also the cries for help of a scared little girl who desperately wants her father's love and attention." Hikaru's face took on the sheen of a man who had just swallowed something bitter. "Kunou pulled her from the schools at a young age the moment he realized exactly what he had on his hands, and raised the girl in near total isolation. He's kept her from potential friends, lovers—all significant social attachments. Just so his little RD department wouldn't be—impaired." His eyes shut.

"Hikaru?" said Nadia worriedly.

Hikaru took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. It just really—pisses me off. I've had a pretty crappy life but at least my parents were on my side. They didn't treat me like I was some sort of a tool, to be stored in a box so I wouldn't get rusty. That's what really makes me—go after Kunou Senior. I merely dislike him for what he did to the world—in that he's no different than a hundred other arms dealers. But I hate him for what he did to his own daughter. That takes a special breed of asshole."

"But—Kunou's gone—right?" Kagome offered nervously. "In fact, Kodachi's in charge. Iron Rose is her bodyguard."

"Yes, that's right. A young woman whose entire ethical outlook has been warped by the evil bastard she calls 'dad'." Hikaru frowned. "Forgive my skepticism at her intent, but I think this Iron Rose is a giant billboard for Kunou Industries. Not only do they get the good press of an employee who regularly saves lives as a superhero, but every damn client they have can see what they'll be offering next season, for the proper donation." Hikaru tucked the photos away, and leaned backwards tired. "At least, that's my opinion."

Miroku whimpered. Nadia patted him on the back. Miroku's hand grasped hers. She put him in an armlock. Miroku's hand released her.

The door of the café opened with an exceptionally loud clatter. "Quit it!" Inu-Yasha walked in, Lum clinging to his arm.

"Ooh, darling," cooed Lum. "Don't be afraid of wuv! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She was wearing a non-tiger skin bikini at the moment—her only concession to Earth mores.

Hikaru glanced at the pair. "I thought you two were going to the beach?"

Inu-Yasha sat down at their table, his posture defeated. "We did. And I left to—get a drink." He sighed. "You have no idea how fast she is…"

Lum playfully tangled her fingers in his hair. "And what a great tracker." She shook her head. "Well, I was worried about you, darling. Out there awone, in the gweat big world, without your Lum to protect you."

Kagome's glance was shooting daggers at the Oni. Lum seemed oblivious of that fact.

Hikaru shook his head. He knew how much Kagome and Inu-Yasha disliked having Captain Oni around, but to Hikaru's mind it was better than just setting her loose on an unsuspecting world. "Why, Hikaru Gosunkugi," came a quiet, familiar voice. Hikaru glanced to his side.

"Nabiki Tendou." Hikaru eyed her quietly. "Did you come here to hit up that crazy old bum on the corner for protection money? Or did some chance wallet merely happen to disgorge you in this neck of the woods?"

"Heh," snorted Nabiki. "Trying to be clever, Gosunkugi?"

"He's always trying," said Nadia. "Sometimes, he's succeeding."

Nabiki glanced at her, then back at Hikaru. "Who's the gaijin?"

"I'm Nadia il Karthon," said Nadia. "And thankfully, since Hikaru's already named you, I don't have to ask, 'who's the bitch?'." Nadia smiled. "Now have a nice day, Miss Tendou."

Nabiki stared at her distastefully. "Let me guess—another manga club member." She shook her head. "Where do you find these people, Gosunkugi?"

"Bus terminals are, I find, an excellent source," said Hikaru quietly. "Now, shoo—unless you wish to trade witticisms all day. In that case, I do have a few choice ones I've been waiting to try out."

"My family's having a big dinner tomorrow," she said abruptly. "You wanna come?"

Hikaru blinked. "Umm… sure."

Nabiki smiled slightly. "Good." She glanced at Lum, snuggling on Inu-Yasha's shoulder. "Who's she?"

"That's Lumiko Sai," said Hikaru. "Yoshi's sister."

Nabiki blinked. "Seem a bit—close."

"You have no idea." He waved her away. "Now, shoo, for the second time. Third time is an armed response."

Nabiki snorted and walked away. Nadia glanced at him. "Well, well—cherchez le femme…"

Hikaru's eyes widened in amazement. "Nabiki? She's just a bully who used to torment me…"

Nadia smiled. "Physically?"

"Physically—emotionally—mentally—financially—the whole package."

Nadia tapped her fingers on the tabletop. "So, a domineering woman who has been a major presence in your life…"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Look, there's no freaking way I'm attracted to Nabiki Tendou in any manner at all!"

"You do dream about her," pointed out Kagome.

"Nightmares! Where she's attacking me!" he shouted. "There's nothing sexual about a dream of a woman assaulting a man!" Hikaru stiffened, then collapsed on the table. "I am so, so sick," he said in quiet despair.

Miroku coughed. "Tell me—in the dreams—does she ever use a whip?"

-----

So began the issues of Hikaru's dinner at the Tendou's, a thing that would dominate his mind for two days like some big thing.

But I had problems of my own: Lum Oni. This evil, icky ball of ick had tried to destroy the world—AND NOW SHE WAS STAYING AT MY HOUSE! And even worse—I think Inu-Yasha likes her…

-----

"Would you stop followin' me, you crazy freak?" shouted Inu-Yasha.

Lum tightened her grip. "Oh, darling—stop playing hard to get…"

Inu-Yasha screamed, then tore himself away. "Listen ya horn-headed loonie, 'cause I'm only gonna tell ya once. I DON'T LOVE YOU! I don't even like you! Yer a self-centered, egotistical bitch who tried to blow up my freakin' planet! Yer rude, yer petty, and yer obnoxious to be round. IN FACT—I HATE YOU!"

Lum just chuckled and shook her head. "Is that it? You just don't know me very well." She grinned. "I think when you get to know me better you'll find I'm nothing like you think I am."

"That AIN'T gonna happen!" fumed Inu-Yasha.

"Teeheeheehee-tcha! You're so cute when you're angry!" giggled Lum. She leapt forward and embraced him, sticking her tongue down his throat.

At that moment, Kagome walked in. Inu-Yasha tore himself away. "K-Kagome! I… this…"

Kagome forced a smile on her face. "Dinner's in ten minutes!" She turned around and walked stiffly away. "Better hurry up if you want to get some."

Inu-Yasha gulped, and hurried after her. "Kagome! It's not what it looks like! Really! Really really!"

Lum shook her head. "Men."

-----

Inu-Yasha swears up and down he hates her guts, but that don't tell me what she thinks of her other… assets.

And let me tell you—no way are those things real! NO WAY!!

Of course, while all of us had our own worries, something else was happening.

-----

The scrawny naked man walked into the costume shop, grabbed an expensive green velvet robe, and glanced at the clerk. "I'm taking this."

The clerk, in the middle of an edifying cosplaying discussion with several patrons, glared at him. "Look, freak, no shoes, no shirt, no service! Now get out of my store before I call the cops!" The naked man stared at him for a moment.

The clerk's head exploded, leaving a bloody mess all over the counter.

The naked man calmly put on the robe. "I wasn't asking you—I was informing you, cretin." He fastened the robe, took a satisfied look at himself in the mirror, and then headed out. One of the customers darted for the phone. The man turned around. Suddenly the customer was clutching her stomach, screaming pain. "Wouldn't try calling the authorities," said the man. "Bad idea all around." He shot an eerie smile at the remaining patrons, and touched his index finger to his forehead. "Be seeing you."

-----

But none of us knew about that stuff when it was happening. We had more immediate injustices to occupy us.

-----

"Think about it, Hikaru! The New Warriors!"

"No, Kagome. I refuse to. On general principal."

Kagome pouted. "You're never going to like any of my names."

Hikaru grasped her shoulders, and nodded. "You are learning, grasshopper." He released her with a chuckle.

Nadia glanced at her, an amused expression on her face. "So, if we're the New Warriors, who in blazes are the Old Warriors?"

Kagome blinked. "I—hadn't thought of that." She rubbed her chin, in deep Kagome thought. "Maybe, some of the old seiyu teams…"

"That's what I want to be associated with," muttered Hikaru darkly. "Men and women in neon costumes, running around like idiots." He shook his head. "Still, I guess I'm nostalgic for the days when the cape and cowl division knew their place—in the background. Not the front page." He scowled. "As opposed to a certain flag-wearing attention-seeker."

Kagome shook her head. "Honestly, Hikaru, I don't see what you have against Captain Japan. Don't you have any national pride?"

"I have plenty of national pride, for the nation that matters! The nation of Hikaru Gosunkugi! Population: one, Location: wherever I happen to be standing, Chief Import: coffee, Chief Export: bile! That's the real nation. Just like the nation of Kagome. Or the nation of Miroku! Or the nation of Nadia! Those are the nations that count! Not these silly artificial constructs decided by mountains, bodies of water, and diplomats! And when people realize that, world peace will follow!" Hikaru took a deep breath. Nadia gave him a few sardonic claps. He glanced away "But, no. People don't want that now. They don't want to have to think for themselves. They'd rather follow a lot of corporate hacks and fascist warmongers!" he shouted, pounding his fist on the table.

Nadia glanced at him, smiling ironically. "Well, don't hold anything back, Hikaru. Tell us what you think."

-----

I think I just ephiphanized something—Hikaru is really, really opinionated.

Used it!

Umm, no, I didn't. And Hikaru says if he's opinionated, it's only cause he's got so many things to have opinions on.

Only he put it just a bit better than that.

Just a bit.

So there we were, all of us with our stuff to worry us, with no time for different stuff to worry us. Miroku's been checking into the Masters of Evil, for instance…

-----

Miroku glanced at Malachite and Zoisite. "So that's all you know?"

Zoisite nodded. "Maron might tell you more then she would us, if you convinced her it was important enough…"

Malachite shook his head. "Might as well be honest, Zoisite—it'll take someone with more—gravitas then Miroku to convince her."

Zoisite giggled. "Oh, watch the tongue Malachite."

"Merely an honest observation," note Malachite with a shrug. "Maron takes her client's privacy very seriously."

Miroku signaled the bartender. "Another scotch."

"Root beer for me," said Malachite.

"Make it two," added Zoisite.

Miroku shook his head. "I just can't understand this sobriety fad that's come over you two…"

"It's no fad, Miroku," answered Malachite. "I was drowning in a sea of liquor. It's like Maron says—I was using drink as a replacement for the position I'd lost, and that was killing me." He shook his head. "You know, Zoisite, these days I wonder why we ever fought against that girl—she's so nice."

"Because Queen Beryl made us," said Zoisite flatly.

"Oh, yes." Malachite sighed. "You know, on reflection, evil was not a very satisfying career for me." He picked up his glass of root beer. "I'm feeling very introspective now…"

"I'll get the water colors out for you when we get home dear," said Zoisite, patting his hand.

Miroku glanced at him. "And why aren't you drinking?"

Zoisite smiled at his partner. "Mostly to support my man." He kissed Malachite affectionately on the cheek. Miroku shook his head. He didn't know what he was finding more disturbing—the fact they were gay, or the fact they were getting sex and he wasn't.

-----

(He hasn't turned up much yet. To be honest, nobody knows what the M.O.E. are doing. This really bugs Hikaru, with good reason, as the Crimson Cowl is his archnemesis…)

-----

The Crimson Cowl was singing softly to himself. "When my love—stands next to your love—I can't define love—when it's not love—it's not love—it's not love—which is my face—which is a building—which on fire—on fire." He ran his hands over the charred skull, then glanced at Boomerang and Black Knight. "You two did get the one I indicated correct?"

"It is the proper body," said Moonstone. She shook her head. "Are you sure—?"

"Tell me, Moonstone, have you ever heard of the Baron Heinrich Zemo?"

Moonstone shook her head. "No. I haven't."

"He was, quite possibly, the greatest criminal mastermind of the first half of the twentieth century. A student of Dr. Mabuse, the Gambler of Weimar—heir to a noble line that stretched back centuries. A man of such brilliance, such genius, that Hitler himself respected him—even feared him. He knew the greatest secret to power. In the end all true power stems from two things—the ability to think, and the ability to lead." He chuckled fondly, his hand stroking the skull eagerly. "There is a man! A true man! A man I'd be proud to call father!"

Moonstone glanced at the Cowl oddly. "Do you have a point?"

"Oh, merely that Heinrich Zemo was a man of genius. And yet death came for him all the same, when his experimental death ray exploded. Thus is the irony of existence—all men are subject to the Reaper, even those who seek to control it. And yet we—we lucky few, in service to our Master, to us has been given the chance to grant a temporary reprieve from the Proud Brother." The Crimson Cowl drew something out of a small pouch at his side. He glanced at the small purple shard, glowing in the moonlight.

Moonstone stared at him. "So you are going to resurrect this Zemo fellow, is that it?"

The Cowl stiffened "No. I do not have his body. I do not know if it even exists." He turned back to the corpse. "This is merely a fairly uninteresting yakuza boss who has some fairly interesting information." The Cowl's hand lowered to the skull. "Which he will shortly be sharing with us." He whistled softly. "I've got two loves—I've got two loves—and they go tweet, tweet, tweet like little birds, they're my two loves…"

-----

Still, we'll find out what they're planning. Villains always reveal their plans right when the heroes beat them! It's in their nature! Hikaru says that they do things like that cause they're hissy tronics. Me, I think it's cause they like attention.

-----

The man in the velvet green cloak sat quietly in the subway car. A drunken man jostled him as he passed by. The man in the green cloak frowned. His arm shot out and grabbed the drunk. "Apologize to me," he said sternly.

The drunk glanced him over belligerently. "Why should I ap—ulp?" The drunk began to retch violently.

After ten minutes, he'd begun to vomit up blood.

Once the drunk's nausea had finally stopped, along with his breathing, the man shook his head. "Hopefully, you've learnt that when Yandroth tells you to do something, you do it." A dark smile touched his face. "Actually, I know you have. The dead are very good at following orders." The corpse slowly rose to its feet, and shambled up grabbing the arm bar. After a moment, it stood completely still.

The whole exchange would have received much more notice from the other passengers if Yandroth hadn't killed them some time before.

-----

And while normally, there might be demonic invasions to worry about, but as Hikaru explained, we're facing a whole lot less of those.

-----

"—the number of demonic invasions is in fact lessening," noted Hikaru scholarly. "We have, it seems, turned a corner in the last week or so. We will face much fewer invasions—"

"Hurray for us!" said Kagome enthusiastically.

"However, the ones we face will be of a more severe nature." Hikaru coughed. "Monday after next, the God-Killers of Sarnak are coming."

Miroku coughed. "That doesn't sound good."

"A week later, we shall face the Assassin Hounds of Xichic—and don't let the name fool you—they're actually giant beetles."

Miroku whimpered.

"After that there's the Sin Mothers, and finally the Mx-ztai, and then we're done for the month." Hikaru glanced around the table. "So anymore business for this meeting?"

"I do!" said Kagome eagerly. "A new name! Think about it, Hikaru! The New Warriors!"

"No Kagome."

-----

I trust Hikaru on these things, because he's undergone all sorts of mystic training that he refuses to talk about. I've tried to get some myself, actually…

-----

"Just imagine, Hikaru! Imagine the good I could do with greater powers!" Kagome grinned at him.

"I'm trying hard not to," said Hikaru dourly.

Kagome pouted. "Oh, come on—please?"

Hikaru sighed. "Kagome—you have to understand, I'm just barely past my apprenticeship, so I'm really in no position to be taking on students. And you and I are virtually opposed styles anyway." He raised his hand, and stared at it, a strange diamond shaped light appearing in it. "My magic is structured—disciplined. I use the loopholes and secrets of the universe to power my abilities, coupled with skills revealed through mental disciplining and sacrifice." The diamond floated over to Kagome and became diffuse—a sort twisting fractal. "Your magic is chaotic—impulsive. It responds to your needs and desires, as well as your hereditary powers against demons and evil." Hikaru snapped the light out of existence. "I can do very little for you." He shook his head. "Besides, you really don't want the kind of training I had. Trust me."

-----

Personally, I think he's being silly—how bad could it be?

-----

"The form is the form of righteousness," said the Ancient One reading from a large book. "It is the form of truth. Do you hear me, Mr. Gosunkugi?"

Hikaru glanced up at the Ancient One. Presently, he was hanging upside down, from a boulder, over a vat full of lava. Oh, and the boulder was floating in midair, because he was keeping it floating in midair. With his mind. "Loud and clear, sir. By the way, have I mentioned I'm going to kill you?"

"Yes. Nineteen times now."

Hikaru nodded, the sweat rolling off his brow. Right now, he really wished he had told the old man no when he'd asked him to help save the world. "Ah. Well then, let's go for an even twenty. I'm going to kill you."

"That's nice," said the Ancient One.

Hikaru screamed. "How is it nice, you demented old bat? I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! KILL YOU! MAKE YOU DEAD!"

"Now it is an uneven twenty-three times," noted the Ancient One. "And it is nice because it demonstrates you still have a moral core, capable of being outraged at this miserable treatment. The students who swear they are going to kill me invariably become upstanding and just magicians. Those who quietly accept my treatment have invariably tried to kill me." He smiled down at Hikaru. "So thus, this fills me with hope for you."

Hikaru took a deep breath. "That's… super." He moaned quietly, then glanced up again. "Oh, and I am going to kill you."

"I know, Hikaru, I know," said the Ancient One in an amused tone. "Now then, the form is the form of wickedness. It is the form of deception…"

-----

But, hey, that's Hikaru's decision.

So anyway, with no definite threats, Hikaru had no problems going to the dinner at the Tendous. He even seemed kind of excited about it, which Nadia thought was silly for a dinner.

-----

"A dinner in some aspects," said Hikaru. "In other ways—a milestone."

Nadia snorted. "What—is this the first time someone's invited you somewhere as something besides an item of scientific interest?"

"Well, yes," said Hikaru awkwardly, as he fiddled with his tie, "but the important thing is tonight I'm going to reveal to Akane Tendou the burning passion she inspires in me."

"I believe there are laws against that," noted Nadia.

Hikaru turned and stared at her coldly. "How droll. No doubt you have some witticisms to share about frozen dinners next."

"I tried to have one last night, but got stopped midmeal because it had established residency."

"Great. Now all you need is a lounge and a band," Hikaru sighed.

Nadia shook her head. "So—what is so great about this Akane, anyway?"

Hikaru paused, and sighed slightly. "She's just—wonderful. It's somewhat hard to describe. She's sweet, she's kind, she's beautiful, she's strong—but also delicate." He smiled. "She's everything I could want."

Nadia stared at him in disbelief. "Hikaru, you haven't described a girl—you described a goddess."

Hikaru chuckled. "Maybe I did, Nadia. Maybe I did." He went back to fiddling with his tie. "Well, tonight, she'll be receiving a little open worship. Possibly even a sacrifice, if I can get the permits. Probably can't—bureaucracy is such a hassle…"

"How long have you had—feelings for her?" asked Nadia with such a great amount of casualness that an observant listener might suspect it was feigned.

"First day of kindergarten," answered Hikaru, who may have been an observant listener, but also felt so awkward around Nadia that he did as much as he could to avoid discussing what he generally referred to as 'their thing'. "I was reading The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With the Sea, the teacher introduced one Akane Tendou to the class, my eyes fell from the page onto an angel."

"Ahh, how sweet," said Nadia despite herself.

"And, seeing as she was completely above me, I dedicated my life to admiring her from afar."

"And now it's disturbing," she sighed.

"Oh, you're making it sound sordid." Hikaru frowned.

"Hikaru, you made up your mind at age five to become a stalker," noted Nadia. "There's no way to make that sound like an accomplishment."

"It wasn't like that!" said Hikaru angrily. "What I felt for Akane was something exalted! Something grand! It was love, without the slightest bit of hope!" Hikaru blinked. "Okay, I admit, on reflection, that does sound… troubled. But it changed slightly after her accident. Suddenly—well, I was about the only one who didn't immediately start treating her like 'Akane the Cripple'. Which, eventually, she noticed." He frowned. "Several years after Nabiki had noticed I was small, weak, and easily intimidated."
Nadia shook her head. "You have had one depressing childhood, Hikaru Gosunkugi."

"You're only scratching the surface of my angst," said Hikaru calmly. "Anyway, all those feelings of inadequacy that held me back for so long have vanished. I am a man now." He fiddled with his tie. "A man who cannot get this damn thing straightened out…"

Nadia gestured forward. "I'll do it." Her hands began to deftly knot the tie.

"Thank you." Hikaru shook his head. "Anyway, the way I figure it, I may not be worth much, but I am worth something, so I'll just step forward, and make my intentions known." He laughed quietly. "After all, I may not be much to look at, but I must have some redeeming qualities." A slightly desperate look came to his face. "Right?"

Nadia took a deep breath, and glanced away from him. "I'm sure there's a girl somewhere who'll love you, Hikaru."

Hikaru glanced at her awkwardly. "Nadia…" He bit his lip. "You've got your hand tangled in my tie."

Nadia's eyes widened. "Oh! Hell's bells…" The pair began a rather desperate set of contortions to free themselves.

"Okay—okay—I can do this," said Nadia, nervously.

"Just grab my arm, and then we both pull away on three," said Hikaru. "Now, one—two—THREE!" The pair stepped away from each other suddenly. As they did so Nadia overcorrected a step, and started to fall backwards. Hikaru darted forwards, and grabbed her midfall. "Are you all right?" he asked.

Nadia nodded nervously. "I'm fine." She stared at Hikaru. Hikaru stared back.

"Don't mind me!" said Miroku as he headed towards the coffee table. "Just left a magazine down here." He picked up a copy of Maxim, and began to leaf through it.

Hikaru righted Nadia, and turned back to the mirror. "Well, the tie's on." He glanced at Nadia. "How do I look?"

"Like an undertaker."

"Creepy undertaker, or sexy undertaker?" asked Hikaru casually.

"I'd say, creepy, sexy undertaker," answered Nadia mockingly.

Hikaru nodded. "I can live with that." He turned and headed for the door. "Well, have fun kids. Don't go into my room." He glanced at them. "Especially you, Miroku."

As soon as Hikaru was gone, Miroku smirked at Nadia. "You know, you two make a cute coup—"

Nadia raised her arm threateningly. "Do you want to make the acquaintance of the back of my hand again?"

"I'll be good," said Miroku meekly.

-----

I can never figure out what's going on between those two. Sometimes it's like they're best friends. Other times they want to kill each other…

Ahh, it doesn't matter. The important thing is, Nadia thought Hikaru was getting a bit worked up about the dinner.

----

"—I mean, what's going to happen!" shouted Nadia. "Nothing! But Hikaru's going to get all worked up, all because that Tendou girl is leading him on."

Inu-Yasha stared at Nadia in blatant skepticism. "Nadia—nobody leads Hikaru on. That's 'cause it mean pretendin' to be interested in—well, Hikaru."

Nadia glared at him. "He's not that ugly."

Inu-Yasha looked away. "Well, I suppose if ya take a pretty broad view a things, he's not so bad—I mean, there are some critters that look a lot worse—but as humans go—well, he's not the bottom, exactly, but—"

"Hell's bells, you're talking as if he's grotesquely deformed," answered Nadia.

Kagome glanced up, as Kilala played with her hand. "Umm—are we talking about the same Hikaru?"

Nadia frowned at her. "Two of everything that needs two of—the usual number of all organs and limbs. A fairly regular shape. There are plenty of people worse looking than Hikaru."

"Yeah, and they're mostly in freak shows," muttered Inu-Yasha quietly.

"You're missing my point," said Nadia suddenly. "This girl is distracting Hikaru from his duties. Making him dangerously—sidetracked. And damn it, we should do something about it."

Lum sat up suddenly, grinning. "Oh—I get it!" She smiled at Nadia knowingly. "I've figured out exactly what you're planning here." Nadia gulped. "I've seen the way you look at Dr. Strange—the way you quarrel with him—the way you're forever trying to get him to yourself."

Nadia stared at her horrified.

"You're planning a coup," said Lum satisfiedly.

Nadia blinked. "What?"

"You know, a takeover!" Lum laughed. "Well, I say—good for you. It might be hard, but you could probably take him—with some help." Lum leaned on Nadia's shoulder confidentially. "Now, assuming you offer me a—good bargain, that help is something I'm perfectly willing to supply. And since I know you're smart, I'll just assume you're offering a good bargain right now." She glanced to both sides. "So here's my plan—we get him while he's not expecting it—like when he's showering—then I hit him high, and you hit him low…"

Nadia stared at Lum with the expression of a person contemplating a container of Chinese leftovers that have been in the refrigerator for a year. "Tell me, Lum—do you just naturally assume every one is as amoral as you?"

"I have no idea what the word 'amoral' means, but I don't think anybody can be anything as much as I am." Lum shook her head. "I'm the best there is at everything. Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Nadia glanced at her for a moment, then turned around. "I am going out. To the café. Alone. Goodbye."

Lum crossed her arms, and gave a confident snort. "She'll be back."

-----

Personally, I think Nadia was being silly. I mean, if Hikaru wasn't distracted before he isn't going to be distracted now by something that was there to distract him before he could get distracted now in the first place.

That's pretty clear-cut, to my thinking.

Of course, I never did find out much about the dinner.

-----

Hikaru stood outside the Tendous' front door. He took a deep breath and knocked.

The door was opened by a nearly six feet tall Olympian with perfect teeth. "Hey. Ranma Saotome." He offered his hand. "And you're…?"

Nearly five feet tall Hikaru Gosunkugi took his hand, a smile plastered to his face. "Feeling exceptionally inadequate, thank you very much."

-----

Though he really didn't like that Saotome fellow.

I had my own problems to deal with though.

-----

Inu-Yasha glanced around the corner. "Is she still out there?"

Kagome stopped playing with Kilala. "How should I know? She's your girlfriend."

"She's NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!"

"Oh. Right. Fiancée. My mistake."

Inu-Yasha grasped her firmly by the shoulders. "Kagome—Lum ain't my fiancée, any more than yer Hikaru's."

"Well—yeah—for the manga club, you two are siblings."

Inu-Yasha scowled. "That's not what I mean! Kagome—I don't love Lum. I don't even like Lum. To tell ya the truth—she makes my guts crawl. What we got is some stupid 'engagement' that only exists inside her own head 'cause she's obsessed with me and 'cause a stupid custom I didn't know nothin' about let's her think so. It ain't real! Bein' engaged ain't some stupid marriage at swordpoint deal. It's somethin' ya do when ya love someone, to tell them ya want to be with them forever." He glanced nervously away. "At least that's what I think."

Kagome gulped. "Oh. I… see."

"So could ya please go out and check for me? 'Cause if she glomps me one more time today, I'm losin' it." Kagome nodded and left her room.

Lum stood in the hallway, staring out the window at the night sky. Kagome coughed. "Umm, what're you doing?"

Lum glanced over her shoulder. "Oh! Kagome! Just looking at the stars." She sighed. "Somewhere up there is my homeworld of Uru. I don't know where. Lieutenant Mar-Vell did most of my navigating."

Kagome felt a wave of sympathy. "And you're probably never going to return."

Lum burst in laughter, shaking her head. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! Of course I'm going to return! I'm Captain Lum Oni, the greatest warrior ever! Do you think it'll take me that long before I figure out how to dominate you inferiors completely?"

Kagome felt her sympathy withdraw.

Lum's elation ended. "Of course, it might take a while." Her eyes took on a resigned air. "Possibly a year or two. Maybe longer." She sighed. "Till then, I'm stuck here. Alone." She shook her head. "I haven't been alone for awhile. I've always had loads of friends, and servants, and more servants, and other servants. And my ship." She crossed her arms. "I really miss my little Tcha." She rested her chin in the join of her arms, and glanced at Kagome. "So, I'm really thankful you're letting me stay here. It's real nice." She looked back out the window. "And I'm happy to have found a guy like Inu-Yasha. Oh, he's a little rough around the edges, but that's part of his charm." A smile touched her face. "I like him. I like him a lot."

-----

…And that's what an evil woman she is—she actually had me feeling kind of sorry for her, the evil skank.

Can't believe I just wrote 'skank'. Oh well, it's my diary so I can write what I want.

Skank, skank, skank, skank, skank.

That felt good.

Anyhow, I do wonder what they're doing at Lum's homeworld. Do they miss her?

----

The Supreme Intelligence of the Kree was the concerted mass of the minds of that race's most brilliant scientists, generals, and politicians. For centuries it had ruled the Kree, it's declarations law.

"And the winning numbers are 10, 6, 9, and 1000."

These days the Oni mostly used it to announce lottery numbers, and occasionally to officiate at sporting events.

"I win!" shouted a leprous Shi'ar in the crowd below.

"Lucky!" shouted Benten, the Imperial Grand Marvelous Magical Sure-To-Win Lottery Girl. "Please come up, sir, to claim your year's supply of meat!"

A cloaked figure passing by stopped, only to have its arm grabbed by a second figure. "Now is not the time! We must hurry!"

The first figure stared at the second plaintively, causing it to turn away guiltily. "I'll fix you a snack when we get back to my ship, okay?"

The first nodded, and the pair continued on their way. They darted down a back alley, and entered a small building. It was a rather interesting building, in that it did not officially exist, but, as none of the three people in it were officially there, that naturally didn't bother them.

The two cloaked figures bowed to the short one standing in the center of the room. "Lord Jariten. We came as soon as we received your message—"

"Silence," said the diminutive Emperor of all Oni. "My name is not to be spoken in this chamber, especially by the likes of you. Indeed, normally, I would execute you for sullying it with your lips." He shook his head. "But now I have need of you. Show me your faces. I would look on those in my service." The hoods lowered, revealing a handsome male Oni with a rather vacuous expression, and a young woman with pink hair, and a predatory gaze. "Rei of the Tiger's Shape," noted Ten quietly. "And Ran the Halfblood. Do you know why I called you here?"

Rei opened his mouth, and pointed to it.

"No," said Ten quietly. "It doesn't involve food." He glanced away. "Tell me—have you hear news of your fiancée, or rather, former fiancée, Lum?"

"I study her moves like a hawk circling its prey, sir," announced Ran. "I've heard that she has been disgraced, and exiled."

Ten eyed her warily. "I don't recall asking you, half-breed."

"I am sorry, sir," answered Ran with a bow. "However, I handle most of the… intelligence gathering. Lord Rei prefers to spend his time in—abstract contemplation."

Jariten glanced at Rei, who was attempting to ingest an ash tray. "I see," he noted. "I will make this short—you two live in disgrace because of Lum Oni, and now she is disgraced—and vulnerable." He handed them a small disk. "If you two were to go to her place of exile and—remove her from my concerns, I might be persuaded to lift your disgrace."

"We will bring you her head, sir!" said Ran passionately.

"Do it quietly. Quietly." Ten shook his head. "Lord Invader is a powerful man, and despite his duties, he still has a father's love. I do not want him hearing about it." He glanced at Ran curiously. "You feel you can manage it? The defeat of the Empire's greatest living champion?"

"Sir—my lord Rei was defeated only because she used trickery," said Ran in clipped tones. "As for me—my training at the Church of Nihilism under the tutelage of Lord Thanos and the Magus has given me powers beyond the normal pale…"

Ten gave a nod, frowning. "I'd heard—rumors of your involvement with that peasant superstition."

"It is no superstition, sir!" said Ran. "The death of all things is coming. Surely your divine senses can feel it."

Ten gave a dismissive wave. "I've really no time to discuss theology. Do as I ask, and that is all." He turned away. "Now go."

"When next we meet, Lum Oni shall be dead." Ran rose and then smacked Rei on the back of the head, causing him to disgorge the paperweight. "No snacking," she said severely, as she tugged away.

Ten smiled to himself slightly as they left. "Really, sir," came a dark voice from the corner, "I must ask—why? Lum was Third Champion of the Empire for most of your reign. She served both you and your grandfather well. Already she has suffered shame for her actions. Why kill one who has served you so well, and so loyally, for so long?"

Ten turned. If he was not officially in this building, the figure in the corner was not even officially on this planet. It was a tall man, dressed in black clothing, and wearing a pale white mask that covered his face. "Albrecht, I am Emperor of the Oni. I do not need explain my actions, even to you, my advisor."

"And yet, sir, it may aid me to advise you better." Albrecht paced idly around the room. "So, once again, I humbly ask—why?"

"Two reasons," began Ten. "First—I do not as a rule, leave my discarded weapons lying around. Second—she displeased me, and what displeases me, I destroy." He took a deep breath, smoke curling out of his mouth. "That—raceway was to be my stab at immortality, Albrecht."

"In more ways then one," noted the advisor.

Ten chuckled. "Indeed. And now it is ruined, and my plans for Project—Cosmic have been—delayed." He pouted. "You comprehend my ire."

Albrecht nodded. "Still, I hardly see why you would promise reinstatement to them. Rei and Ran are ultimately to blame for their own fall, after all. They are two of the most despised people in the Empire."

"Use garbage to take care of garbage," said Jariten harshly. "So my grandfather used to say, and so I have done."

"That explains why you put the bomb in the trash chute," noted Albrecht.

"Among other reasons," agreed the Emperor. "As for Rei and Ran—they are eager to do this thing, they are distant enough from me that I can do this without showing my hand, and afterwards, if they succeed, no one will care when I dispose of them."

Albrecht gave a stiff nod. "You have, it seems, thought of everything."

"I'm the most profound genius the Oni have ever produced, Albrecht," said Ten smugly. "I take great pains to use all of my intelligence." He sniffed. "Uh, oh. I just made a stinky." He glanced up at his advisor. "Do you think—?"

"For the last time, sir, I'm not changing your diapers." Albrecht turned away and headed into the shadows. "You're nearly five—you should be potty-trained by now…"

Jariten frowned to himself as his enigmatic grand vizier left. Let Albrecht think he held the upper hand in their—partnership. He'd show him. He'd show him.

-----

Nah. They're probably glad she's gone. So we got nothing to worry about.

Well, we do have things to worry about, just not that.

-----

Hikaru found himself fleeing the overwhelmingly macho camaraderie of Ranma "The Walking Testosterone Gland" Saotome in the one place he knew such an overwhelmingly macho guy would never go. The kitchen.

However, there was a downside to this place. He had to spend time with the Tendou sister that he personally found the most unnerving of all.

"Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm."

Kasumi Tendou. Hikaru watched as she cheerfully prepared a meal as if that was the most wonderful thing in the world, which in Kasumi-speak seemed to consist of the Tendou house and the immediate surrounding neighborhood. "So, Hikaru, how are you?"

Dear lord, that lilt in her voice was so cheery, Hikaru suspected medication. "I'm fine." He nodded. "Real good in fact. The voices have finally given me a date."

"Well, that's nice," she said sweetly.

"Yep—this Friday. Then I can finally take out my assault rifle, and usher in the Days of Judgment."

"I'm happy for you."

"Think I'll start in the commercial section. Begin things there…"

"Sounds like a good choice."

Hikaru looked at her in mock-earnestness. "You seem like a good soul, so I recommend you stay home that day. I'd hate for you to die."

"Why, thank you!"

Hikaru nodded a bit. "You do realize I'm joking right?"

Kasumi blinked. "About what?"

"The whole being a crazed, potential mass-murderer thing. I wasn't serious."

Kasumi got a rather grave look on her face. "Oh, Hikaru—I just don't get this—young people humor."

Hikaru stared at her incredulously. "Kasumi—I'm not that much younger than you. In fact, we went to the same grade school. You were just a few grades above me. I remember the time you ate too much paste in fourth grade, and had an allergic reaction, and they had to wheel you out."

Kasumi paused and looked at him. "Well, that was a while ago. I really don't have time for shenanigans anymore."

Hikaru stared. "You used the word shenanigans." He glanced away. "Tell me—are you planning on being the youngest old woman in existence? Because at this rate, you're going to be a hundred when you're twenty. And when your thirty, you'll be legally dead."

Kasumi gave a merciful shake of the head. "Oh, Hikaru—I just don't get what you're saying. I'm as youthful as the next girl…"

Hikaru sighed. "Provided you choose the next girl from a retirement home, I've no doubt that's the case."

Kasumi smiled at him gently. "You know, Hikaru, I think I might just work better if you were to give me a bit of solitude."

Hikaru noted her earnest tone, and ducked out, bumping into the tightly wound form of Soun Tendou. "Gosunkugi," offered the patriarch pointedly.

Hikaru nervously offered his hand. "I'm glad you remember my name. And please, call me Hikaru. Gosunkugi is my father—no scratch that. Gosunkugi is my father's father—my dad's Toshiro."

"I know why you're here, Gosunkugi," stated Soun with just a pinch of intimidation.

"Heh, heh, heh." Hikaru kept a smile on his face with some difficulty. "Notice you're still calling me 'Gosunkugi'. That's off-putting, but it's your choice…"

Soun's visage transformed into an eerie visage of demonic anger. "Just don't touch Nabiki, Gosunkugi. I'm definitely not letting my school's heir throw herself away on a weakling like you."

Hikaru nodded. "Got you. Don't touch—Nabiki. Check."

Soun's face immediately turned back into its more normal appearance. "Good. Enjoy the dinner." He walked calmly away.

Hikaru took a deep breath, and immediately found himself face to face with Nabiki. "Gosunkugi. How did you piss off Kasumi?"

"Kasumi gets pissed off?" he asked. "I thought she just had various levels of placid."

"She's stirring more violently than I've ever seen her."

Hikaru stared at Nabiki for a moment. "You know, this place explains you. It doesn't excuse you, but I come here, and now, you make sense to me. You're the final step in a process, not just some random bit of chaos." He glanced away. "Now, please move before your father decides we're planning to elope."

Nabiki frowned and started to head away. "So, what do you think about Ranma?"

"Oh, he's fantastic," grumbled Hikaru. "If he'd have been a century earlier, he could have made Hemingway feel insecure, thus sparing us a lot of novels about or involving bull-fighting."

Nabiki chuckled. "He's engaged to one of us."

Hikaru started. "Whi-which one?"

Nabiki smiled and walked away. Hikaru winced. Wonderful Not only was that obnoxious jerk—well, an obnoxious jerk, but he was (possibly) a romantic rival—and Hikaru had no illusions who would win in male beauty contest, and for that matter, in most girl's minds.

And Akane was presently at her job, fawning over the oblivious Dr. Tofu.

Hikaru sat down and sighed. This dinner was shaping up to make the Last Supper look positively benign.

-----

And when I say we've got things to worry about, it's cause we got things to worry about.

-----

Nadia stared into her empty mug. "Hey, miss," said the waitress. "You want more coffee?"

Nadia sniffled. "He always wants more coffee!" she bawled.

"Umm, miss?" said the waitress nervously. "You haven't been spiking your drink, have you? 'Cause if you haven't been, this is the first time I've seen someone get drunk on caffeine."

Nadia wiped her eyes. "I'm—sorry. It's just—there's a boy I like." She bit her lip nervously, and then began crying. "But he doesn't even know I'm alive!"

The waitress chuckled. "Well, that's his mistake." She smiled. "So, who is he?"

Nadia gulped. "He's—just a guy."

The waitress stared at her. "Wait a minute—he's in the manga club, right? The short, pale skinny guy who always dresses in black?"

Nadia blinked several times. "No," she answered gradually.

"Ahh." The waitress gave a cynical nod. "Well, that's good. 'Cause if it were that guy, I'd have to say he definitely knows you're alive." She started another pot of coffee. "I've seen how he looks at you, and it's not the look of an uninvolved party." Nadia glanced at her. "But like you said—it's not him." The waitress shook her head. "Now, if it were, I'd tell you not to worry. I'd also wonder about your eyesight, but hey, whatever gets you though the night. It's not my job to judge you freaks—it's my job to serve you coffee."

-----

Big things to worry about.

-----

Yandroth and his small mob of undead filed out of the subway station. "Now let's be orderly people," he stated as he led them. "I will not have my name besmirched by one of your typical army of lumbering corpses. Yandroth's army doesn't shamble—it marches lockstep."

-----

To be honest, the whole Yandroth situation was a surprise. I don't think Hikaru was expecting it…

-----

Hikaru stared at his bowl of miso soup. He glanced across the table, where the Tendou sisters had all wound up sitting after about twenty minutes of arguing who should sit next to Ranma.

In the end, that had wound up being Hikaru.

Hikaru glanced at the muscular pretty boy. Ranma's arm flexed as he brought the spoon to his mouth, the motion of each perfectly defined muscle visible. After he swallowed it, he leaned back in his chair, his shirt stretching over his brawny chest. He rested a hand on his stomach. "Man that was good eating, Kasumi."

Kasumi smiled. "Why thank you!" She glanced at Hikaru. "Hikaru—is everything all right? You've barely touched your food."

Ranma nodded. "Guy as skinny as you needs to eat."

Hikaru forced a grin on his face and suppressed his urge to drive his willowy stick of an arm through Saotome's chest. That'd be bad table manners. "I just like to… savor things. Take my time." He glanced back down at the miso, and frowned.

He was not enjoying this dinner.

"Oh, the stars are so bright!" said Dr. Tofu Ono. Hikaru glanced at the dazed man to his left. Akane had dragged Dr. Ono along with her to the dinner, but whatever she hoped to occur had been thwarted by the fact that Tofu seemed to suffer a minor stroke every time he was in close vicinity of Kasumi. Personally, he didn't get what Akane saw in him, but hey, maybe he was a great guy when he didn't have the urge to drink candles.

"So tell me, my friends, is not Japan fortunate to have such a fine, manly defender in Captain Japan?' opined a loud voice belonging to Genma Saotome. Ranma's father was a bald, garrulous con artist of a man who, for some bizarre reason, made Hikaru think of a giant panda. He had no idea why. Maybe it was the glasses.

"Pops, nobody wants to hear about some weirdo in a costume," muttered Ranma Saotome. "The country's got enough of them without another popping up." Hikaru found himself agreeing with the gigantic beefcake. It was a disconcerting experience. "I mean, there's some freak out there calling himself Dr. Strange. Can you believe it?"

Hikaru frowned. "I think that's a fine name. Much better than 'Captain Japan'."

"Sounds like a hippie tatooist," grumbled Genma.

Hikaru glared at him. "Well, that's a hell of a lot better than sounding like a history of fascistic oppression!" Hikaru paused. Everyone was looking at him. Even Dr. Tofu. "In my humble opinion, of course," he added quietly.

Akane shook her head. "I don't trust him. How can you be expected to trust one who is so secretive? I mean, no two witnesses describe him the same way—when they can describe him at all—and he never comes forward to speak of his actions." A deep scowl covered her face. "No honorable warrior hides from acclaim."

Hikaru coughed. "Perhaps he has more important things to than worry about then 'acclaim'. Maybe his definition of 'honor' is based on service rendered without expectation of thanks instead of playing for the applause of the crowd." Hikaru stood up energetically. "Perhaps he and his companions are the only wall that stands between our world and destruction, the desperate last defense our troubled planet relies on!" Hikaru blinked, then sat down and fidgeted awkwardly. "Or maybe not. I really wouldn't know." He picked up his chopstick and stared at it.

He wondered if it were possible to drive it through his skull.

"Why, Kasumi, I'd love some more noodles," said Dr. Tofu, helping himself to a strip of tablecloth.

Hikaru slumped forward, in sad defeat. "Umm, Hikaru?" asked Kasumi gently. "Why are you putting your face in the miso?"

"I'm exfoliating," muttered Hikaru. "It's good for the pores."

"Oh! I'll have to try that!" Hikaru heard the splash of Kasumi dipping her face in the bowl. "Why, I can feel it working right now! How remarkable!"

Hikaru groaned quietly.

-----

…And I know Nadia wasn't.

-----

Nadia sat sipping her coffee grimly. The waitress sighed. "Look, you should get going. My shift's ending, and the waitress after me is a real bitch."

Nadia blinked. "This place has another waitress?"

The waitress rolled her eyes. "The hours I work, I ask myself the same thing…'

"Nadia," came a familiar voice.

Nadia sat up suddenly, her eyes wide in surprise. "What are—? I thought you—" She turned around—and stopped midsentence.

"Please to see you, dear," said Yandroth, flanked by several zombies. "I'm just dying for a cup of coffee." He glanced at his minions. "Now—outside! I won't have this evening ruined by the undead, especially when I'm the one who created them."

-----

You know, you might think Hikaru could just solve problems before they started, but he can't. Well, actually, he could, but he can't. Like he explained to Nadia, after we took down this gang of yakuza enforcers last week…

-----

"Well, what would you like me to do?" said Hikaru harshly. "Cast a spell and magick the violence out of people? It doesn't work like that. First of all, I'd be utterly destroying their free will. That's not a road it's good to walk down."

Nadia frowned. "So what's the second reason?"

Hikaru took a deep breath. "You can't call on so much magic without a reaction. The universe only let's you push so far before it pushes back." He chuckled quietly. "Hell, Yandroth proved that."

Nadia nodded. "I guess he did." She glanced away. "You still could do more."

Hikaru shrugged. "Eh, I'm leaving the world conquest plans to the other side."

-----

Of course, he said that, after the whole Yandroth thing, which came after his dinner at the Tendous…

----

Hikaru sat in the backyard. Dinner had ended prematurely when Dr. Ono had eaten a spoon, and begun to choke. And Hikaru was about the only one who understood that the Heimlich maneuver did not entail slapping the sufferer repeatedly on the back with loud shouts to 'cough it up'.

It appeared that gaining Nabiki as an in-law was only one of the many disadvantages to pursuing a relationship with Akane Tendou. Maybe he should rethink things. Maybe he just wasn't cut out for such a relationship.

"Nice night," noted Akane.

Maybe one of the most wonderful girls in the world was sneaking up behind him. Hikaru glanced over his shoulder. "Actually, it's clouding up."

"That's not so bad."

"I prefer stars," said Hikaru. "Something to look at."

There was silence for a moment. "What do you think about Ranma?" Akane asked abruptly.

Hikaru shrugged. "What do you want me to say? I've known him for three hours! What opinion can I form aside from the fact that the man has one thickest necks I've ever seen?"

Akane looked at him a moment, nervously. "Would you call him a—good man?"

Hikaru shrugged. "I wouldn't call anybody a good man. Not even me. Actually, especially not me." Hikaru noticed she was looking at him oddly. "I've met worse. Lots worse."

Akane nodded. "We might be getting engaged." She frowned. "He is such a boy. I don't like boys. They're so—boyish." She glanced at him suddenly. "Don't take that the wrong way—I don't consider you a boy at all!"

Hikaru winced. "Gee—thanks." He brought his head down to his knees. "I suppose I'm like a sister…"

"Kinda," agreed Akane.

Hikaru nodded several times, to keep from screaming. "So—'might be engaged'?"

"He's supposed to marry one of us. He hasn't picked yet." Akane frowned. "We're all waiting for him to pick." She took a deep breath. "I hope he doesn't pick me. Like I said, I don't like boys."

Hikaru nodded, and looked at her. She seemed quite pretty, standing there alone in the darkness. "Akane, I—" It started to rain. Hikaru covered his head as best he could, and headed for some shelter. "Oh, son of a—" He paused. Akane seemed t be laughing, letting the rain wash over her. He blinked. "Akane—what are you doing?"

"Isn't it wonderful, Hikaru? A blessed downpouring from the heavens, purifying the earth!"

Hikaru nodded frantically. "You're right. It's freaking magical. Now excuse me as I go unpurify myself inside. Otherwise I might get pneumonia."

"By Volstagg, you moan over a little dampness…"

Hikaru blinked. "Why are swearing by Volstagg the Voluminous?"

Akane paled. "You know of Volstagg?"

Hikaru nodded. "I know a guy who he owes money to." Akane's eyes widened. "Heh—no actually, I'm just a bit of a student of mythology." Not technically a lie—the Ancient One had never said that Volstagg's gambling debts were monetary in nature. Hikaru headed inside.

"Hikaru—were you saying something? Before it started raining?"

Hikaru shook his head. "It was nothing."

-----

…which probably would have lasted longer, if we hadn't found out about Yandroth!

Funny how everything just ties together, ain't it?

-----

"I just can't believe that slut scooped me!" shouted Arika Miamata. "I beat her to the street, I get the first pictures of the Hulk—at great danger to myself I add—but she's the star of the hour, because that stupid panda went to her camera crew first." Arika shook her head. "Stupid bear should be able to sense my innate journalistic superiority…"

"Pandas aren't bears," said her cameraman, quietly.

"Keep talking like Kasuya, and you'll be back on that street corner, trying to play 'Yesterday' on that piece of shit guitar." Arika turned, scowling. "Aristu's been getting on my case, because I got outflanked that lousy old hack Shutaro, who's made a career out of her freaking bustline!" She snarled. "What's next? A freaking rain of frogs?"

Kasuya coughed. "So—what's the tip?"

Arika shrugged. "Some local café is supposed be a bush-league superhero hangout. Might make a good human-interest story. Might be more. I figure it was worth a look." She stopped in front of the café. A crowd of roughly sixty people was standing in front of it. Their skin was grey, and their eyes were red. Arikau glanced at her cameraman. "Kasuya, go call the station—we're going live."

-----

But of course, we were all at peak alertness! Superhero code!

----

Hikaru bumped into Ranma Saotome going it. "Ah, pardon me," muttered Hikaru dejectedly.

"Eh, don't mention it," said Ranma, shrugging. "Way I figure it, guys like me gotta be nice to guys like you.?"

Hikaru frowned to himself. "And who exactly are the 'guys like me'?"

Ranma grinned at him. "You know. Weaker guys."

Hikaru felt a burning urge to break Saotome's perfect teeth, and then use the shards to gouge out his eyes. He suppressed it with some difficulty. "How—noble of you," he muttered acidly. He took a deep breath. "So—I hear you're engaged to one of the Tendou sisters…" He glanced around idly, a distasteful expression on his face. "Made a choice yet?"

"Well, no, and just between us, I ain't planning to," Ranma noted confidentially.

Hikaru's eyebrows shot up. "Really…"

"Yep. I'm a lone wolf—you can't tie me down with a stupid fiancée…"

Hikaru was surprised he was actually more angered by the summary rejection of Akane then he was by the concept of her being engaged to this oaf. "You know, they're very nice girls." He thought that over. "Okay, not all of them, but as the song says, 'Two out of three ain't bad'."

"Hey, I ain't knocking them, but marriage ain't my thing." Ranma shook his head. "Anyway, it's better if none of us get hitched. All three of them have fallen for me." He glanced at Hikaru in resigned wonder. "Not that I blame them. But if I marry one, the rest'll be jealous."

Hikaru stared at the muscle-bound moron. He hadn't actually thought his revulsion for this man could actually increase. "You noxious, self-deluded man-child. Are you so utterly self-absorbed that you actually think every woman in the world is as superficial as you are?"

Ranma blinked in puzzlement. "Okay, now I think you're insulting me."

"I wouldn't dream of it!" said Hikaru. "A tiny frail thing like myself? Why all I can do before the radiant image of perfection that is you is bow and scuttle impotently as I sing your praises."

Ranma frowned. "Now, I'm pretty sure you are."

"Can you find one insult in what I just said?"

Ranma scratched his head. "It was more your tone…"

"There's a pimple on your nose," announced Hikaru.

"Wha—?" Ranma seemed startled then shook his head. "That's impossible. I don't get pimples."

"And yet you will be certain you have a pimple on your nose," said Hikaru calmly. "It will rule your thoughts and distract you endlessly for the next twenty-four hours. Then it will end, and you'll wonder what came over you, never realizing that I did." Hikaru gave a deep bow. "Have a nice day."

Ranma walked away, shaking his head. That Gosunkugi's a weird guy, he thought, scratching the pimple on his nose. Hikaru chuckled to himself. He felt petty, yet vindicated.

"What are you grinning about, Gosunkugi?"

Hikaru turned to glance at Nabiki. "The active distribution of karma." He coughed. "I'm assuming the Amazing Six Foot Japanese Man is why you invited me here."

Nabiki snorted. "You do know me, Gosunkugi."

"I merely think of what I'd do if I were unencumbered by any sense of morality, and I am in the land of Nabiki Tendou." He looked away. "So, this is supposed to drive me crazy right?"

Nabiki nodded absently. "You seem to be handling it well…"

"I'm not. This is what I'm like crazy these days. I find it saves both time and energy, as well as costly hospital admittance fees."

"You've changed," said Nabiki with a note of admiration in her voice.

Hikaru nodded. "I met a man in India. A great teacher. He taught me to look within myself for answers. I surprised myself with what I found there."

"So you're a Hindu now?" chuckled Nabiki.

"Still an atheist," replied Hikaru. "Trust me, if people knew what he taught about the gods, they wouldn't just consider atheism, they'd demand it."

Nabiki glanced at him. "So what the hell are we now?"

"We are, Mademoiselle Tendou, friendly adversaries. I have much more severe problems than you these days, but I'm always willing to add you to the list."

"It's good to know there are some constants," noted Nabiki. She headed off then paused. "You know, I always had just a little respect for you. You realized you were being humiliated." She smiled. "That made it more fun."

Hikaru quietly shook his head as she walked away. "Hikaru!" came Kasumi's voice. "Telephone call!"

-----

And once we were alert—we were alerting!

-----

Hikaru fiddled with the television. "Okay, Kagome, I've got it on Channel Four, now what—"

"—And once again, a gang of freakish deformed people are standing in front of the Café Nadesico," said anchorman Kensuke Ooneda. "And wait—Arika Miamata has uncovered a new wrinkle."

The picture shifted to Arika standing next to a man in a bloodstained suit, with ashen skin, and glowing red eyes. "I'm standing here with a member of the gang that's besieging the good café Nadesico," stated the reporter. She pointed the microphone at the ghoulish looking man's face. "Now then, sir, what is your name?"

"I have no name—I need no name."

Arika blinked. "I see…"

"My only distinction in the hordes of Yandroth the Magician is that the great lord Yandroth has empowered me to speak to you. Yandroth wishes to speak to Dr. Strange. Yandroth will be spoken to by him. Or people in the café will begin dying."

"Umm, so who is Yandroth?" asked Arika nervously.

"Yandroth is life. Yandroth is death. Yandroth is all." The man looked at the camera. "Come now, Dr. Strange." He retreated back into the crowd, and was quickly lost among them.

Arika glanced nervously back to the camera. "It appears he—urr—doesn't want to speak to us anymore." She straightened. "Of course, we have to ask—who is this Yandroth? What does he have against Japan's most reclusive superhero? These questions and others can only be answered by the mysterious—Dr. Strange."

Hikaru snorted. He knew for a fact they couldn't be. Though Yandroth sounded familiar for some reason… He shook his head. "All right, I'll be—what? Nadia's there? You're sure?" He nodded. "Right, well just stay—what? You're on the scene?" He took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm going to make this simple. Don't do anything, until I get there, which will be soon." He blinked. "Yes, that goes for Lum. What, she came with you? What is it with you people? I mean, why'd you even—" He shook his head. "Wait a minute, how'd you even get this number?!!" He glanced up from the phone. The Tendous and Saotomes had entered the room, and were all staring at him. He coughed. "Manga club business. Very important. Must be off."

"So, Dr. Iwata," said Ooneda formally, "what do you think causes people to become disheveled rebels against all we hold dear, following the messianic delusions of a madman?"

"Well, Ken," said Dr. Iwata, "I blame heavy metal music."

"Indeed," noted Ooneda sagiaciously.

Ranma's eyes fell to the news sprawl trailing beneath the anchor. " 'Diner held hostage'?" He glanced at Hikaru, hand scratching his nose. "How's that manga club business?"

Hikaru frowned. In all honesty, he was surprised that Saotome could read. "It's our favorite meeting place. And so, we're having an emergency meeting, to vote on an alternate meeting place in case this one is destroyed. Overdue really. I've been telling about this, but they kept putting it off." He bowed nervously, then headed to the door.

Nabiki stared at him suspiciously. "You're having a meeting so you can vote about where to hold meetings?"

"Yes," barked Hikaru. "Isn't bureaucracy grand?" He shook his head. "I told them this day would come, but they didn't believe me! No one has quite adjusted to the fact that Japan is no longer the safe nation it was! We're in the middle of the strangest crime wave the world has ever seen, and nobody's really noticing! Personally, I think they should put in the brochures. 'Come to Tokyo! See the sights! Enjoy the food! Be mugged by mask-wearing psychopaths! Reserve your tickets today!' " He gave a dismissive wave of the hand. "But that's just me! So—I'm off! Shalom!" And with that, he jogged out of the room.

There was an awkward silence.

It was a measure of the night's oddness that it was Kasumi who broke it. "My goodness, Hikaru is… different. He used to be so—quiet and—awkward. And now he's loud and—well, still awkward, but that's because he makes you feel awkward."

Genma shook his head. "He is a typical maladjusted modern youth, unable to cope with the world because his family has abandoned the traditions that have served us so well. Now, Ranma on the other hand…" Ranma nudged his father in the stomach. Genma glanced around.

The room had emptied.

Genma coughed. "Excellent. My plan to—"

Ranma conked him on the head. "Don't even try to pretend you planned that, pops."

"Enough," said Genma harshly. "Ranma—a challenge has been issued. You, as a hero, must answer it."

Ranma glared at his father. "No, pops. Thought it was clear—not doing the hero thing." He shook his head. "Anyway, it's this Dr. Strange guy's deal. If he's anything like most these weirdos, he'll get really pissy if I try to poach his fight." He shrugged, and went back to scratching his nose. "I've got enough problems already. I ain't making any new ones."

Genma sighed. It amazed him that Ranma still had not accepted his destiny, despite all Genma's subtle coaching. Genma smiled and shook his head. He shouldn't worry. Why, thanks to his own stellar example, Ranma was bound to become a paragon of heroism. He just needed time, and a few more life-threatening situations.

Ranma glanced at Genma worriedly. "Hey, pops, you got any idea what I should do about this pimple?"

Genma nodded to himself. Yep. Any day now.

-----

Yes, there we were—Hellcat, Son of Satan, and Devil-Slayer! Ready to righteously right wrongs to make them right! To courageously fight evil badness! To do good guy stuff!

And Lum was there too.

-----

"Come on guys!" shouted the alien princess. "It's only sixty-seven! We can take them!"

Kagome gulped. "Hikaru said to wait for him."

Lum snorted. "And I suppose you always do what Dr. Strange says?"

"As a general rule, yes," noted Miroku.

Lum stared at them defiantly. "Hmmph. Is this the group I have been forced to throw my fate with? Where is your warrior spirit? Where is the drive to conquer?" She began to wave her fist. "Together, we can take this 'caf' and overcome Dr. Strange so that we not fear his threat of reprisal! If we have faith! If we have courage! If we have—ONINESS! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She smiled at them. "So what do you say?"

"No," said Miroku.

"Nope," said Kagome.

"Hell, no," said Inu-Yasha.

Lum pouted. "Hmmph." She stomped her foot, then turned and embraced Inu-Yasha. "Darling, wet's go fight the silly old zombies, pweaaaaa—"

Inu-Yasha's hand covered her mouth. "You keep this up an' nobody's fightin' any zombies."

"I really can't leave you guys alone, can I?" noted Hikaru.

"You're here quickly," said Miroku.

"I teleported part of the distance, then jogged the rest of the way." Hikaru clapped his hands. "Well, let's get moving. Go save the hostages, protect the diner…"

Lum stuck out her chest impressively. "Yes! Tonight Japan shall see Captain Oni on your Earth tellyvishun, and learn who this planet's new master is!"

Hikaru nodded. "Almost forgot about that." He glanced at the camera.

A moment later Kasuya was nervously explaining things to a furious Arika. "But how could it just—stop working?" the reporter shouted. "Don't you look after these things?"

"Actually no, miss, but to be honest, this is a bit odd…"

Hikaru glanced back at his allies. "Okay, let's go." They walked towards the animate corpses.

"All right!" shouted Lum. "We're gonna get it on!" Her fists were quickly surrounded with glowing nimbuses of light. "Prepare for an asskicking from me, unliving hordes, an asskicking at the hands of—"

Hikaru snapped his fingers. "Bonds of death, laws of life—I invoke thee." The things collapsed on the street and withered into dust. "Petty necromancy," muttered Hikaru disgustedly. "If this is the extent of Yandroth's ability, he's no one to boast." A troubled look came over his face. "Now, damn it, where have I heard that name before…"

Lum glanced at the rapidly scattering piles of dust, and then ran after Hikaru and the others as they went into the café. "Hey! You owe me a royal throwdown! Guys!"

-----

But nobody was ready for what was waiting for us in the Café Nadesico.

Not even Hikaru.

-----

The waitress was sitting at the counter, smoking calmly. "Hey, Dr. Strange."

"You seem calm," noted Hikaru.

"He's letting me smoke," she replied. "I'm in heaven."

Hikaru looked to the side, at the two men sitting next to her. "Who are you?"

"I'm Akito Tenkowa," muttered the nervy-looking one wearing an apron. "The cook."

He glanced away. "Now please don't talk to me, I'm not getting involved."

The cheerful man next to him shook his head in mocking disapproval. "Ahh, Akito—that's no way to handle things." He glanced at the heroes smiling. "I'm Justin Ueki Tylor—the manager here." He glanced at his fellow hostage. "You know Akito, that bad attitude is what makes you a cook, and me the manager."

"I like being a cook! And you're a lousy manager, you irresponsible moron!"

"So that's why I got a raise," said Tylor cheerfully, lying back on the counter to take a nap.

"You what?" screamed Akito. "Hey—you can't fall asleep on me now! Damn it we're hostages!"

The waitress pointed towards a booth. "Yandroth is sitting back there."

"Thanks," said Hikaru as he turned towards it.

"Don't thank me till you see him," muttered the waitress.

"At last!" said Lum. "A chance to prove myself in the glorious contest of arms—"

"Shut up, Lum," said Hikaru.

"I was about to say that myself," came a familiar voice.

Hikaru froze. "Yandroth—I remember now…"

Yandroth the Magician glanced at him casually. "I'm glad to hear that. I'd like to think you'd remember your creations." He sipped his coffee. Aside from being completely bald, Yandroth's face was identical to Hikaru's.

He put down his mug. "You know, the coffee here is rather poor," he noted.

"It's the ambience," said Hikaru. "I come here for the ambience."

-----

That's right! He looked just like Hikaru! Only bald! It was so freaky! Really freaky! Super freaky!

Hikaru handled it pretty well, though.

-----

Hikaru frowned. "Well, I have to say, Yandroth, you're looking good for an imaginary friend I gave up years ago."

Yandroth chuckled. "I'm more—the part of you that made that Yandroth then a living version of him," he noted quietly. He smiled. "Still it's nice to see you." He looked across the table at Nadia, whose arms rested before her on the table, bound by a glowing red length of chain. "Isn't it nice, Nadia?"

"Go to blazes, Yandroth," she muttered. "And when you get there, have the devil sodomize you."

Yandroth rolled his yes in an illusion of tolerance. "See what I'm going through, Strange? I'm amazed you put up with it."

"You poor thing," said Hikaru bitterly. "There—I just threw you a bone. Now, what exactly are you, and why the hell did you come here?"

"On Lum's ship, you cast prison of the self—" noted Yandroth.

"Damn," said Hikaru. "I knew that was risky."

"Ah, but normally you would have been fine," stated Yandroth cheerfully. "A brief psychic echo would have been made, then just as quickly faded. But Captain Oni's ship was not a normal situation. The combination of your frustration and the ship's unique energy-gathering capabilities created… an especially strong impression…"

Hikaru snorted. "And that would be you. How happy."

"It was frightening at first to be born so suddenly, but I was able to collect myself, and synthesize a body out organic waste." continued Yandroth. "I chose your face, because, after all, when we create our little heroes and friends in childhood, they all have our face. We just pretend they don't."

"So you are literally made of shit," noted Hikaru quietly. Nadia chuckled.

Yandroth glanced at Nadia, who began to scream in pain, collapsing face first on the table. Hikaru stepped next to her, and put his hand on her back. Nadia took a deep breath, and smiled at him. "Thank you," she said weakly.

"Don't mention it," he muttered. He glared at Yandroth. "Do that again, and there won't be enough of you to fill a petri dish with when this is over."

Yandroth giggled. "Ooh, such frightful threats! I quail in the face of your awesome wrath!" A smug smile covered his face. "You forget, Hikaru, I know you. I know your weakness. I know your—restraint." Yandroth shook his head. "Rest assured, I share neither."

Hikaru stared at him calmly. "I can see you lack my 'restraint'—the green velvet robe proves that, even without the undead horde. But what's this weakness of mine? Chocolate Éclairs?"

"Compassion Gosunkugi." Yandroth glanced at the others. "Though you try not to show it, you care about this ragged little band of yours, despite their utter feebleness…" He gestured at Inu-Yasha. A wave of force knocked the half-demon off his feet. "And so you keep yourself from doing what you by right should do…"

"Inu-Yasha!" cried Kagome.

"Darling!" shouted Lum.

Yandroth continued to bombard Inu-Yasha with raw bludgeoning power. "See now little dog? All your endless alpha male posturing, your puny efforts to unseat my original—and you never stood a chance. You are to him nothing more than a flea to the sun!"

Lum gave a shout and leapt before the half-demon, the waves of power unsteadying her. Slowly, she put up a simple barrier of energy, blocking the cavalcade of damaging force. Kagome ran to Inu-Yasha's side. She glanced up at the Oni. "Are—are you all right?"

Lum swallowed harshly. "I'm—fine. Make sure—darling's okay…"
Yandroth cackled. "See, Doctor? Weakness! Each of them puts forth efforts to help the others, and so is drained of effort they could use to help themselves!"

Hikaru raised his hand, and launched a simple bolt that knocked Yandroth's hand askew. "Well, I see now I should never have read all that Ayn Rand when I was twelve. Also, that the bald look really doesn't suit me." He glanced away. "And don't pretend that proved anything but what an asshole you are Yandroth. Now why have I been called here?"

"An offer," said Yandroth. "You are basically my father, after all, and so I felt obliged. And with two of us, it will go faster."

"World conquest," noted Yandroth with delight. "You know we can do it! You know you can do it! All it takes is will!" He stared at Hikaru hungrily. "Think about it. What I just did—swatting that beast down—on some level, you desire that. Wasn't it sweet, to watch him suffer? I'm offering that to you on a scale of billions."

"Why don't I just get you a white Persian cat to stroke, Blofeld?" said Hikaru dryly. "None of what you're saying is particularly original—and I've had the offer before. I said no then and I'm saying no now."

Yandroth glanced at him a moment, then sighed. "Pity. Now I'll have to kill you as well the Ancient One." He glanced at Miroku. "Beat yourself with your staff."

"Stop that Miroku," announced Hikaru. "And that's your plan? Kill the Ancient One?"

Yandroth shrugged. "He is old—tired. Ripe for replacement. Once I've claimed the mantle of Sorcerer Supreme, I will also claim the world. "

"The Sorcerer Supreme is the protector of the world—not the ruler," snapped Hikaru.

"Well, of course, I'll protect it," smiled Yandroth. "One doesn't want one's things to be broken."

"No, one doesn't want that, does one?" muttered Hiakru. "You're not the first wizard to think you can do this, Yandroth. All the others were mistaken. You're not breaking the mold." He glanced at Nadia. "What do you think?"

Nadia nodded. "I think you're right." Suddenly she twisted back, uprooting the table and sending it toppling towards Yandroth. Hikaru struck her bonds causing them to dissolve. The pair leapt back. Nadia stretched her arms. "What was that?"

"Crimson Bands of Cyttorak…" answered Hikaru. "So—what have you found out about Mr. Yandroth?"

"He's a prick," she stated evenly.

"Apple didn't fall too far from the tree then," noted Hikaru.

"He lacks your delightful sense of self-depreciation," said Nadia. "That's too far for me." Yandroth launched a horrendous bolt of mystic energy at the pair that Hikaru blocked. "Plus, he's a bad hurt kind of fellow," she added.

"Don't worry, Dr. Strange!" shouted Kagome. "Hellcat's on the way!"

Yandroth snarled and gestured to the kitchen. With a boom, a lumbering, steaming frothing machine emerged into the dining room.

"The Cappuccinoator-6000!" screamed Akito. "It's on the rampage!"

"Now that's something you don't see every day," noted Tylor.

"No, that'd be seeing it work properly," groaned the waitress.

The now rampaging luxury coffee machine charged towards Lum, Kagome and Inu-Yasha. Inu-Yasha glanced at Lum. "Blast the damn thing!"

"Umm—I'm sort of—low on energy right now…" she muttered nervously.

Inu-Yasha stared at her in shock. "But—you—you nearly killed the freakin' Hulk!"

"Yes, but I was on my ship then," answered Lum.

"How does that make a difference?" snapped Inu-Yasha.

"Oni captains draw energy from their ships," answered Lum. "When I was onboard the Tcha, the ship gathered cosmic energy for me—I just had to focus it. Now I've got to gather it myself." She bit her lip. "It takes longer, and I don't get much…"

"Great, so now ya tell us," groaned Inu-Yasha.

A staff clanked into the Cappuccinoator's side. "Just let the Devil-Slayer handle this!" shouted Miroku. The machine blasted steam at him, then tossed towards the others. He landed with a thud before them. "On second thought," he muttered weakly, "I could use some help…"

Lum raised her fist. "Right! Even though I'm not on my ship—I'm still Lum Oni! The Oniest Oni who ever Onied! I will be TRIUMPHANT!" She charged towards the dangerous latte mixer. "To me, my genetic inferiors! To me and victory!"

Miroku raised himself up, and followed after her. "Aye, aye Captain!"

Kagome rushed after them, stringing an arrow to her bow. "Hey! Who are you calling 'inferiors'?"

"You," answered Lum.

"Well, that's not very nice…"

Yandroth's blasts continued to shake the force field surrounding Hikaru and Nadia. "Give it up, Doctor!" yelled Yandroth. "You can't beat me! I'm you, minus your foolish limitations."

Hikaru shook his head. "I guess it's true—the copy's never as sharp as the original." He raised his hand and started to chant. "Osshur's bindings, sure and strong, twist and turn, encase the wrong."

Yandroth blinked as a smoky golden wisp of mist encircled his waist. "Wha—?"

"Osshur's bindings, strong and thick, tangle your threads, to wrongness stick."

Yandroth screamed as a golden glowing rope twisted around him. "What is happening?" he cried, falling to the grouned.

"Osshur's bindings, thick and sure, bind the lace, the wrongness cure."

Yandroth stared at him angrily, as the golden ropes twisted around him. "This is impossible! Osshur's bindings only repair dimensional tears—irregularities in space and time!"

"That's what you are, Yandroth," said Hikaru. "You're an echo of what's in me that living out in my world. You shouldn't be here." He shrugged. "Of course, I'm not surprised that didn't occur to you. You're a pretty lousy magician Yandroth. You have no restraint, so the more subtle forms and applications escape you. Instead you forever bludgeon with as much raw power as you can, relying on simple tricks any practitioner can use." Hikaru shook his head. "You'll never progress, Yandroth. The secrets of true mastery can only be coaxed forth, not torn."

Yandroth snarled at him. "You lie! I am your equal, Strange! All you know, I know!"

"Knowledge is only half of magic," noted Hikaru. "And that might be a liberal estimate. You may possess the sterile knowhow I gained from the Ancient One's training, but the objective experience I have gained, you lack. I stood naked to flame, wind, water, wood, and steel, and bound them to me. You merely remember the process."

Yandroth gulped. "I can still—gain the experience! Progress! No matter what you say! I may not quite equal you now, but—"

"But nothing, Yandroth. The spirits will never truly obey you—they will only respond to your demands and threats. And unlike the petty necromantic tricks you love," said Hikaru, a rose-shaped flame spouting in his hand, "with the elements and the Lords of Being, threats are never enough. There must also be—sympathy. What's another word—oh, yes. Compassion." He smiled bleakly at Yandroth. "So—you say you'll go to the Ancient One? Loose my binding and I'll send you there myself. For training however. Not combat."

Yandroth stared at the binding. "But it will take a hundred years to undo these!"

Hikaru shrugged. "Two hundred if you're careful. And you should be."

Yandroth was silent for a moment, then stared up at Hikaru, snarling in rage. "You fool! You're lying to me! There's no need for me to unlock what I can force!" He gritted his teeth, a bluish glow surrounding him. Suddenly, the light fizzled, and turned red. As Yandroth began to scream, his increasingly translucent form wavered, then vanished.

Hikaru glanced at Nadia. "I'm sorry for—"

Nadia shook her head. "Don't be Hikaru. That wasn't you. Just some—thing wearing your face." The pair walked out towards the front.

Kagome laughed heartily, and smiled at Inu-Yasha. "Well, that was an epic struggle," she noted, sitting on the Cappuccinoator-6000's demolished chavis.

"I'll say," groaned Inu-Yasha, rubbing his bruised arms.

"A glorious battle!" shouted Lum, interposing herself between the two. "Stick with me, minions, and victory is assured! And I'm no skinflint—I promise to grant you every bit of credit you deserve."

Miroku saluted her. "I hear you, Captain Oni."

Lum frowned. "Eyes on the face."

Hikaru stared at the group then chuckled. "You know—have I ever told you guys how much I appreciate you guys?"

Kagome glanced up. "Really?"
"Yes," he answered. "I'd be lost without my comic foils."

Inu-Yasha sat up suddenly. "Hey!"

"Well," noted Tylor, "who's an idiot for buying superbeing damage insurance with special clauses for undead hordes, magicians, and animated coffee machines? And you said I was 'conned'."

Akito glowered at him. "I hate you so much right now, it's choking me."

-----

And you know, it's like Hikaru says—the best part of things being over is that they're over.

-----

The group sat in Hikaru's lounge, watching the television. "Oh, yeah," said the waitress to Arika, "I know Dr. Strange. Nice guy. Good tipper."

Arika nodded. "Anything to say to your family, having gone through such a horrific ordeal?"

The waitress glanced at the camera. "Hey mom, it's Haruka-chan. Tokyo sucks, but less than your house. And no, I'm not calling you."

Arikau gave a startled nod. "It's—nice to see such a—forthright familial relationship."

Nadia glanced at Hikaru. "Well, your first public endorsement."

"Ahh, the appreciation of a bitter, future cigarette hag." Hikaru shook his head. "Now my day is complete."

"So—who was that first Yandroth you were talking about?" asked Kagome.

"An imaginary friend I had. He was a scientist who lived on the moon, and had a giant computer. That is all that is relevant about my imaginary friend Yandroth." Hikaru leaned back and shut his eyes.

"Any chance of him returnin'?" asked Inu-Yasha quietly.

Hikaru shrugged. "It's possible. If he survived a dangerous trip through a temporary dimensional rift, anything's possible."

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So I figure Yandroth's gone. I mean, who could survive that?

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When Aubrey, Vincent, and Steel returned to their campsite, a bald man in a gree robe was sitting before the fire. He glanced at them imperiously. "What world is this?"

Aubrey drew his crossbow. "Listen scum, no guttersnipe can poach the Yellow Band's camp—"

The man glanced at him in an irritated fashion. Aubrey fell backwards, oozing blood. "You bast—" screamed Steel, only to join Aubrey dying on the ground.

The man glanced at Vincent. "Now, do you have an objection to me?" Vincent shook his head. "So, what world is this?"

"G-Gaea," answered Vincent nervously.

The man thought that over, then nodded. "Summarize the present geopolitical situation."

After a few nervous starts, Vincent preceded to do just that, with many fits of stuttering and hysterical digressions.

Yandroth thought it over, then smiled. "Sounds—intriguing. Now, about these Escaflowne…"

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But hey, that's something we might never be sure about. (Unless he turns up again.)

Nadia's been spending a lot more time Hikaru these days. I don't know why.

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"So," asked Nadia softly, as they walked up the stairs, "how'd your talk with Akane go?"

"It didn't," answered Hikaru. "Though I did discover she's almost psychotically fond of rain, and uses archaic Viking oaths."

Nadia blinked. "Oh. Well—that's too bad. I'm sorry—"

"Don't be," replied Hikaru. "It's my own fault. I built her up to something in my mind that the real Akane could never live up to. She's a perfectly nice girl, but—" Hikaru shook his head. "After over ten years of being obsessed with her, I've discovered she's not my type." He blinked. "Man that's sad."

Nadia glanced at him quizzically. "So—I guess that means you're—done with her?"

"Yes—well, maybe—probably—I don't know—ask me later," mumbled Hikaru, as he receded into his room

Nadia watched him shut the door, then punched the air in joyful triumph. "Yes!"

-----

Oh, well. The point is—things happened!

Wait! Just had an epiphany! The perfect name for us—the MICRONAUTS!

Update—well, on the plus side, Hikaru says I finally used epiphany correctly. Go, Kagome!

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-Next Chapter-

CRIMSON COWL: Hello fans! I'm back! With more first class villainy, more Masters of Evil, and—well, just more. So tune in next time for "Masters of War"! Because I'm so good, I make anything worth reading.

MIROKU: I can't believe you've let a supervillain read the next chapter bit before me—twice!

HIKARU: Three times if you count Pastrami Pete…

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Author's Notes:

Read earlier chapters for the whole, 'I don't own this—please don't sue' reel.

I'm aware that I've changed Yandroth significantly, but hey—sometimes you've got to go with what your gut tells you. And anyway, I had to have him appear—he was a big part of Dr. Strange, and the Defenders.

I'm now halfway through the first part of "Defending". Chapter 8 will take awhile.