"Curse you, Japan!" shouted Nadia il'Karthan at the top of her lungs. "Curse you and your love of sensible, compact automobiles!"

Hikaru glanced at her. "Are you finished decrying my homeland's love for fuel-efficiency?"

Nadia regarded their foe. "It would only take a few more tons of metal, and I'd have him."

Hikaru Gosunkugi nodded sympathetically. There were times when he really wondered if he'd made any actual improvement in his life by becoming the Ancient One's apprentice. On the one hand, he was no longer a depressed young man with crippling low self-esteem and feelings of personal inadequacy, unable to do deal with life's problems. On the other hand, he now had to deal with new problems, like sixty feet tall stone giants.

Sixty feet tall stone giants that someone has seen fit to dress in giant green boxer shorts.

Naturally.

Kagome coughed politely besides her two allies against the forces of darkness. "Umm, Sub-Mariner, I really have to—talk to you about the whole—'destroying people's vehicles to stop the Living Colossus' plan."

Nadia glared at her. "Tell me, Hellcat, are we, or are we not saving these peons' behinds by stopping this gigantic stone monstrosity?"

"Um, we are, but—" began Kagome.

"Well, then I say we can hurl as many cars in pursuit of this noble and holy goal as we deem fit!" shouted Nadia. "And if they don't like it, they can come out here and fight the Living Colossus themselves!"

Hikaru shook his head. "I just love it when we see that underneath your idealistic exterior is a ruthless Nietschean who will stop at nothing to achieve her goals."

Nadia glanced at him bitterly. "We are not talking about this now, Dr. Strange. Especially as it clearly stems from your own feelings of insufficiency and lack of clarity. And also your height."

Hikaru gritted his teeth. "There is nothing wrong with my height. I am as tall as I need to be. Hence, my height is perfect."

Lum hovered down beside her. "Oh, don't worry about what Dr. Strange says, Sub-Mariner! He says things just like that about me all the time! And since, as we all know, being comparable to me is a sign of a person of the finest caliber, you should be happy!" She smiled. "And you are perfectly right—it is our privilege—nay, our DUTY, as beings of superior power to rearrange the lives of our inferiors as we see fit. When you Earthlings finally allow those among you are blessed with superior ability to rule over your pathetic masses with a free hand—then will you be allowed a place in the Oni Council."

Nadia glanced at her. "I thought you had an Emperor who was an absolute monarch?"

"We do," answered the Oni, "but being on the council let's you do all sorts of neat stuff, like say nice things about Emperor Ten, and polish his prize possessions. Oh—and you get a badge, and a certificate—and a free parking space!"

"Fascinating," said Nadia. "It seems with every new glimpse we get into your culture, I find something new to hate."

"Oh, you're just jealous 'cause you got sucky powers," said Lum. She blinked. "Except for the whole, you know, 'super strength' and 'invulnerability' deal. Oh, and the flying part—that's cool. But 'breathing underwater'—LAME! I mean, think of what you lost by getting that lousy power. You could have had super breath! Or—or X-ray vision!" She squinted slightly and raised her hands to her eyes, as if they were a pair of binoculars. "That has to be cool! Mumumumumumumumu!" she squealed, apparently attempting to imitate what she thought of as the sounds of X-ray vision.

Hikaru stared at her. "I find this conversation distressing." He looked up ahead at their advancing opponent. "I find the fact that nobody is doing anything to stop the sixty-foot stone monster—more distressing."

Lum snapped her fingers. "Knew I was forgetting something." She looked at Nadia. "Your fault for distracting me." She raised her hand, summoned up a ball of crackling cosmic energy, and fired at the street.

Hikaru stared grimly at the gaping hole, and then looked back at Lum. "Captain Oni, I know you hate it when people question your—unfathomable methods, but I have to ask—how does blowing a large pit in the street aid us in defeating the Living Colossus?"

"Ah ha!" said Lum ringingly. "How little you comprehend my ingenious plan!" She gestured forward, her bearing full of pride. "Now, yon Living Colossus is walking towards us, largely because Nadia keeps throwing automobiles at it."

Nadia glanced up at her quietly. "I don't think that has anything to do with it. And right now I'm trying a lamppost!" She threw the streetlight, then moaned in disappointment. "Oh, Hells' bells!"

"To continue with my flawless strategy," noted Lum, "the hole is in front of it." She clapped her hands together eagerly. "Now, when he steps forward, the Living Colossus will step in the hole and—get this—trip!"

Hikaru blinked. "Umm, right. Brilliant."

Lum gave him a thumbs-up. "Well, naturally! I came up with it! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Hikaru began to rub his temples. "Right. I think we should all back away from the hole. Right now."

Miroku nodded. "I agree."

Nadia coughed. "Likewise."

As the group backed away, Lum glared at them. "Oh, come on! You guys are going to miss the cool part where the Living Colossus is left helpless!" The others continued to back away. "Well, fine! Be that way!" She turned from them sulkily. "Looks like I'll be the only one to enjoy the thrill of my triumph." Lum glanced up, and noted the giant stone foot hurtling down towards her as the Colossus gingerly stepped over the hole.

The Colossus's foot hit the pavement with an audible crunch.

Hikaru blinked. "Is there a reason the JSDF hasn't shown up yet?'

"I hear they're suffering terrible budget cuts," said Miroku. "They can barely afford to keep their planes operating for a Godzilla attack these days."

"Figures," said Hikaru quietly.

Lum emerged from the rubble of the Colossus's footprint with her aura still flaring. "Hey! You were supposed to be foiled by my clever plan!" She began to hurl bolts at the creature's head. "How dare you not be!"

The Living Colossus tore free a billboard, and used it to swat Lum away, sending the Oni hurtling off into the distance.

Hikaru glanced around at his companions. "I am now fielding suggestions on how to deal with Rocky over there…"

Inu-Yasha stepped forward confidently. "Jus' let me handle it." He drew his sword. "One blast from this'll turn the Livin' Colossus into the Unlivin' Pile of Rubble…"

Hikaru winced. "Please don't joke, Inu-Yasha. You're not equipped for it, so it just winds up seeming awkward…"

The half-demon snorted. "Hey—a guy who can do this can do whatever he wants." He slashed down with his sword..

Nothing happened.

Hikaru coughed politely. "Right. Very impressive. We are so doomed."

Inu-Yasha stared at Tetusaiga. "Damn it! It worked last time!" He began to wave the sword frantically. "Maybe it's busted."

Miroku glanced at Hikaru. "You know, you could cast…"

"Tried it," said Hikaru grimly. "My easy spells aren't working on it, and the more powerful ones involve a great deal of loud chanting and standing around in one place. Not things I'm particularly keen on doing in this situation."

Kagome glanced around thoughtfully. "You know what this team needs? A super-scientist! I tell you, Force Works would really be something with a super-scientist."

"We're not a team, we're definitely not called Force Works, and we sure as hell don't need a super-scientist," stated Hikaru certainly. "Understand? Good. Glad we had this talk."

"But Hikaru—think about all the good a super-scientist can do for us! We could have GADGETS!" A glazed look came to her eyes. "It'd be like the Fantas—"

"DO NOT MENTION THEIR NAME!" shouted Hikaru. "I am so tired of being compared to a certain prominent quartet in this business. We have more members, we deal with neater threats, and we are all MUCH SNAZZIER DRESSERS! We are better than them! So no mentioning Mr. Freaking Fantastic Mizuhara, okay?"

Nadia blinked. "I had no idea the subject was such bitter one for you, Hikaru."

The magician frowned. "Let's just say I'm starting to understand why Placebo Pete hates him so much."

The Living Colussus stomped down a ramen stand. Miroku turned to Inu-Yasha. "Well—fork it over."

"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Inu-Yasha.

Hikaru turned. "What are you two doing?"

"We had a bet going," explained Miroku. "I bet Inu-Yasha 600 yen that the Living Colossus would destroy the ramen stand. And I won."

"You guys are betting on the destruction?" said Hikaru, raising his voice.

"That has to be a new low," commented Nadia.

"Actually, no," said Hikaru awkwardly. "We've done this before. I was more offended that they didn't notify me."

"You know," commented Miroku, "I think he's going to smash in that bus terminal as well…"

"The one on the corner?" asked Hikaru.

"Precisely."

Hikaru nodded. "Right. You're on." He glanced at him. "Double stakes?"

"Naturally," said Miroku with a cheerful lilt to his voice.

"Great," said Hikaru. "Now I'm motivated again." He glanced to the side and realized Nadia was glaring at him. "What? This is about the only way I can ever get the money these clowns owe me."

Nadia blinked once, and then screamed. "Damn it, STOP ALL THIS TALKING!" She took a deep breath. "It will not stop this thing. What we need is action! Force! Power! What we need is—" She glanced to the side, and then stared in wonder. "A Ford Lincoln!" She rushed across the street, and embraced the bulky automobile that was parked there. "Ahh, good old-fashioned excessive American steel. How I've missed you!" She looked around. "Wow! There are at least eight of the things here!" She picked one up, and hurled it at the monster. "Ah ha, Living Colossus! Detroit says hello, courtesy of the Sub-Mariner!"

Hikaru began to wave at Nadia frantically. "Ah—Sub-Mariner…"

"Yes, Dr. Strange?" answered Nadia cheerfully as she picked another Lincoln up and tossed it. "Ahh—almost got him! Do you see how he's stumbling?"

"Umm, yeah, well—do you have any idea who usually buys big American cars in Japan?" asked Hikaru nervously.

"None whatsoever," announced Nadia, satisfiedly slapping her hands together as she watched her opponent fall unsteadily backwards and trip on a raised bit of pavement near the pit Lum had created.

"Hey!" shouted a low, guttural voice. "Look at what that dark gaijen bitch did to our cars!" Nadia turned to see about two dozen or so men wearing silk suits, all of whom seemed to be carrying guns.

"The yakuza," noted Hikaru meekly. He raised a force field, just as the gangsters started firing. "They like to stand out. Plus, I think they enjoy the extra trunk space."

"You do realize I'm bulletproof, Hikaru?" asked Nadia.

"Yes, but I'm not," answered Hikaru. "Plus, do you really want to find out just how bulletproof you are?"

Several of the thugs pulled out automatics, and began firing. Nadia gulped, then glanced at Hikaru. "Good point."

As the yakuza continued to fire, an arrow landed among them, then dissolved into gas. The gunmen began to yawn, then fell unconscious. Inu-Yasha glanced at Kagome resentfully. "You coulda left me some guys to hit."

"Hey, you took out all the Ani-Men without even asking for my help!" replied Kagome.

Nadia glanced up. "Is that a government helicopter over there?"

"Finally," muttered Hikaru. "Probably here to announce that the government has determined the Living Colossus is in fact a threat, and that assistance will be sent shortly." He shrugged. "Well, let's go talk to them." He paused a moment. "Also Miroku—you owe me 1200 yen."

"I can pay you half of it," said Miroku nervously.

"Wait—" said Inu-Yasha harshly. "You never had the money to pay me if ya lost?"

"Well, yes and no," began Miroku.

Lum touched down and glanced at her allies. "Well, minions, as you doubtless noted, my pit was vital to our foe's defeat. So, unleash your plaudits!" She smiled broadly, and spread her arms, waiting for praise.

After a minute, she realized the others were heading towards the helicopter that was touching down on the street, and paying no attention to her. "Hey, guys!" she shouted. "If you think I'm the greatest, continue to say nothing to me and walk away!"

They did just that.

Lum leapt triumphantly into the air. "Woohoo! Lum is number one! All others are number two, or lower! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She then cheerfully sped after the others.

"Oh, yes, Captain Lum Oni, continue with your business, oblivious to the threat that even now stalks you, the threat that is me, Ran, your former best friend, the threat that is right now, this very instant, staring at you from across the street through a high-powered telescope…"

"Umm, Miss—not to be impolite—but I was just wondering if you were going to actually get down to committing vengeance, or if you were just going to keep talking about vengeance, as you have for the last week or so…"

Ran turned on her underling. "Listen, Mad Dog, did you or did you not swear to follow my lead on this thing…?"

Mad Dog squirmed uncomfortably. "Well, yes, I did, but—well, I told you I know where they all live and you haven't done anything with it…"

Ran frowned. "I didn't see you doing anything with it before we came."

"Well, that was largely 'cause I wasn't sure I could handle the—well, increase in superpowered individuals," noted Mad Dog.

Ran raised her hand. A flickering ball of pure darkness appeared in it. "I'd keep that in mind when you're dealing with me, Mad Dog."

"R-right," gulped Mad Dog.

"I mean, I've got quite a lot of super-powered individuals with me on this as well," she noted. "There's me, and you, and the Eel, and Tiger Shark, and Rei…" She blinked. "Where is Rei?"

"F-Flying Tiger just sort of strolled off, Miss B-Blackout," stated Mad Dog, stepping backwards.

Ran snapped her fingers. "Nuts! He could be anywhere!" Her eyes narrowed as she considered things. "Well, guess we'll have to do a quick review of every restaurant in a ten-block area."

"Right," said Mad Dog, who quickly got to his feet, and waited for her to rise.

Ran continued to look through her telescope. "By 'we' I meant 'you', Mad Dog."

He nodded quietly. "Right. Sorry about that. I sometimes miss the—subtle undertones of your orders."

"You know," began Ran, "when you're talking, you're not doing."

He gulped. "I'll correct that immediately." Mad Dog shook his head as he left the room. He'd had no idea that supervillainy could be so—nerve-wracking.

Defending

Chapter 9—Brought to You By the Letter V—For Vendetta!

An "Avenging" Spinoff

David Dee

Hikaru stared at the government agent, his expression one of quiet frustration. "Now, tell me if I have this straight—me and my friends, having just taken out that monstrosity at great personal risk, are to be rewarded with a huge fine, and possible jail time."

Agent Kaori Otani nodded grimly. "That is correct."

Hikaru blinked, then coughed. "I see. So the government is insane. I have always suspected this was the case, and now you have given me this dazzling confirmation."

Kaori frowned at him. "We are holding you responsible for all this destruction."

Hikaru looked down the devastated street. "Well, I could maybe understand the hole—which was not my idea—but you know, I'd say the big culprit here would be—you know—the Living Colossus…"

She stared at him coldly. "Ranga has diplomatic immunity."

Hikaru shook his head in disbelief. "What? Is he Henry Kissinger's personal assistant or something?"

Kaori glanced away. "The Living Colossus is a goodwill gift from the island nation of Barou."

Hikaru stared at the ruined street. "That's their version of a goodwill gift? What's a badwill gift? A cholera epidemic?"

Kaori's mouth tightened slightly. "It is not the position of the Japanese government to judge the folkways of others."

"Right," muttered Hikaru. "We just sell them cars and try to conquer them once a century if we think they're in reasonable proximity."

Kaori leaned forward, and grabbed Hikaru by the shirt. "Listen, you, I don't what kind of game you're playing, but I for one happen to believe in this country, which is why I became a government agent in the first place!" She took a deep breath. "Do you have any idea how it sickens me to see freaks like you idolized by the public for being reckless vigilantes who resist authority, while good men who do their duty are shot down and get a paragraph for an obituary and no one showing up at their funeral?"

"Are you sure you're talking about me?" said Hikaru. "Because my public approval rating is slightly lower than Parliament's. And we all know how much we hate Parliament. It's practically the national pastime."

Kaori continued to glare at him. "Listen—Dr. Strange, if that is your real name—"

"Well, of course it isn't," said Hikaru. "I never said that it was…"

"—I know you people like us normal folk to think you're our friends, but I know the TRUTH! You just want to rule over us all!"

Hikaru crossed his arms angrily. "That is just nonsense. None of us want that!"

Kaori gestured over at Lum, who was talking to the Taebo brothers. "—And that's why I'm destined to rule over you all! See?"

Ryo nodded dully. "Breasts… big…"

Kyo nodded in agreement, a bit of drool slipping out of his mouth. "Very… big…"

"Teeheheehee-tcha!" giggled the Oni. "Why, yes, they are! How nice of you to notice! I possess in every way a superior female form, yet more proof of my future dominance over you comically inept monkey-spawn." She nodded, her expression full of certainty. "Now, eyes go up, or pieces come off. I'm saving the glories of my body for my darling fiancé."

Hikaru looked at Kaori nervously, then coughed. "She's really only vaguely affiliated with us. Actually, we only keep her around because we're afraid if we don't keep an eye on her, one day we'll wake up to hear that she's vaporized the Diet…"

Kaori eyes narrowed. "It's going to be a real pleasure bringing you in."

"Sure, sure," chattered Hikaru nervously. "Oh, my! Look! Behind you!"

"Oh, right," snickered the agent. "There's something terrible behind me, right?"

Hikaru nodded earnestly. "A vision wrought with terror, beyond my humble abilities at description. Truly a sight that stands at the apex of horror."

"So why should I turn around?" pointed out Kaori.

"I naturally assume you want to see the thing that will eat you, out of idle curiosity, at the very least." Hikaru began to twiddle his thumbs awkwardly. "I know I would, though I will confess this attitude is probably what's results in my dressing up like an idiot and fighting crime and hideous monstrosities." He coughed slightly. "In other words, I may not be the best authority on these matters."

Kaori nodded. "You know, I'd expect the much-vaunted Dr. Strange to be capable of a more sophisticated strategy than 'it's right behind you'."

"And you'd be right," answered Hikaru. "I have in reality put into motion a far more elaborate and devious plan. You see, what you are now experiencing is nothing but a cunning post-hypnotic suggestion, carefully constructed to play on your own vanity and contempt for individuals like myself."

Kaori snorted. "Yeah, right. You expect me to believe that?"

"Eventually, yes, as it is the truth." Hikaru glanced away. "In point of fact, while your mind has imagined this brief conversation, two hours have passed, during which you released me and my cohorts, then attended to other matters I had instructed you to take care of, as an example of my power and why you should leave me alone."

"Right." Kaori shook her head. "Well, at least you're an interesting crazy, Doctor—" She blinked. Dr. Strange had vanished. Also, on closer inspection, she was standing on a completely different street. Wearing a chicken costume. And passing out flyers.

She glanced down at the flyer she was handing out. 'Dr. Strange's Chicken Chateau!' it read. 'Come for an eggs-tra good time!'

Kaori frowned. She really hated superheroes.

"Well, Hikaru, you certainly showed a remarkable respect for her rights as an individual," stated Nadia, as she paused from sipping her herbal tea. "Yes, that responsibility you constantly lecture on to not dominate our lessers—great job maintaining it."

"Hey, not constantly," said Hikaru. "Just occasionally."

Nadia smiled at him confidently. "But you do acknowledge you lecture."

Hikaru shrugged. "I'm a sorcerer. It's what we do. You should feel lucky—I'm an iconoclast. Now, if I were a traditionalist, like the Ancient One, you would be smothered in clichés until you felt like you worked for a greeting card company." He shrugged. "But to get back the topic—I only violated her freedom because she was trying to limit our freedom, I gave her a chance to deal with us rationally, and she failed to, and I was fairly reasonable in my dealings in her, as I could have messed with her a lot more, and didn't." He smiled. "In fact, I personally feel I should be praised for my restraint. I mean, she works for the government. In some opinions, they barely count as human, like lawyers, radio DJs or mimes."

"So your morality is completely dependent on what is convenient at the moment," said Nadia scientifically. "Very interesting."

"Oh, like I your criticism counts, Miss 'Pacifist-Unless-Provoked'…" he snapped. "I seem to recall you shoving that Ryo guy into a garbage can."

"No, Kyo's the one I shoved into a garbage can," corrected Nadia. "Ryo's the one Lum—"

"Let's not talk about that," said Hikaru loudly. "It makes me nervous."

Lum coughed softly. "It isn't permanent," she noted apologetically.

"Not talking about it!" yelled Hikaru. He glanced over at Miroku. "Do you have any idea how long they're going to be—occupied…? I really miss the inane conversation. It serves as a good distraction."

"Well—I think it's—that time of month," explained Miroku.

"Oh. Right." Hikaru sighed. "That's how much this job is getting to me—I can no longer keep track of time."

"You can always listen to the karaoke if you're bored," noted Miroku.

Hikaru turned to the stage. "He brought out the woman in me," sang the middle-aged salaryman who was standing there.

Hikaru sighed. "I think I'll pass. I actually understand English, so that makes listening to certain song choices—painful." He crossed his arms. "Plus, I'm really no big fan of the pastime. There are enough people with delusions of talent in the world already without creating something that'll encourage them."

Nadia sighed. "Why are you such a bitter man?"

Hikaru thought on that a moment. "Life hates me," he answered, "so I hate it back in return." He shook his head. "But seriously, the moment our fair nation's bars and public places became hostage to anyone drunken enough or stupid enough to get on the stage and expose the world the fact that they can barely sing 'My Way' was the moment Hell began to seep out onto the Earth…"

"I suppose you have a point," said Nadia.

"Hey, Sub-Mariner," said Haruka, walking up to their table. "You're coming up next!"

Nadia blinked. "What? I believe you're mistaken, Miss, as I don't have the foggiest idea what you're talking ab—"

"What?" muttered the waitress, puzzled. "But—look, you specifically came to me and asked if we had 'The Tide is High', and when I told you we did, you—"

"Schweisse! Schweisse!" screamed Nadia.

"Okay, okay, forget about it!" muttered Haruka.

"See?" said Hikaru bleakly. "That damn machine is ruining this place."

Haruka shrugged. "Ehh, it's not so bad. And we have to get something to compete with the Starbucks they put up around the corner…"

"Well, you can rest assured that vile den of corporate disease will never have this superhero's patronage," said Hikaru forcefully.

"Good to know," said the waitress as she walked to the next table.

As soon as she was gone, Nadia turned to him. "You know I hear they have really, really good cof—"

"I'm not going to Starbucks," said Hikaru. "As I've stated, this place has an ambience that I like."

"Last week you said the attitude in here could kill a person with a weak heart," noted Miroku.

"Like I said, ambience," muttered Hikaru through clenched teeth.

"Oh come on, you look fine!" came Kagome's voice.

"I… hate this…" muttered Inu-Yasha.

"Oh, boy!" shouted Lum. "Darling is back from the mysterious bit of business that put him in the arms of the she-witch Kagome! Now to make up for that lost ti—" She turned around and froze, then stared at the handsome young man Kagome was leading by the hand. A frown broke out on her face. "Hey! What did you do to my darling?"

Inu-Yasha sighed. "It's nothin', Lum. Just my curse. Once a month I turn into a human…"

"Yeah," said Hikaru. "What a calamity. Once a month, you change from a sideshow act into a bishounen god. Damn your bad luck."

"Hey," said the half-demon resentfully. "Would you be happy to lose your powers for a night?"

"Let me thin—yes. If I looked like you do now, I'd take it in a second," said Hikaru.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," said Lum. "Before my darling had a raw animal magnetism. He was a magnificent creature, striking to behold." She sighed. "Now he is just another example of the mediocrity that is your race of crudely-formed, upright-walking primates."

"Exactly!" said Inu-Yasha. Suddenly, his eyes widened in horror. "Did I just agree with Lum?"

"We forgive you," said Nadia pleasantly.

"Ahh, there you guys are," said Haruka. "You're up!"

"All right!" said Kagome, grabbing Inu-Yasha. "Come on! This'll cheer you up!"

"Ahh, Kagome I—"

Kagome tugged him along eagerly. "Oh, trust me, Son of Satan! Karaoke makes everything better!" Inu-Yasha sighed as he followed after her.

"Hey!" said Lum. "You already got five minutes of Darling all to yourself! No fair hogging him!" She started after them.

Hikaru shook his head. "If I had his luck with women—I'd kill myself."

"Oh, he loves it," said Nadia. "That boy clearly is looking for someone to give him a little guidance, and he tends to attract girls looking for someone to mother." She glanced at Hikaru. "Now you would hate it. You're a total control freak."

Hikaru crossed his arms. "I am not."

Haruka walked back to the table. "Hey, Doc. Want a refill?"

Hikaru nodded. "Fill only half the cup—I don't want to be up all night. Oh, and could I have a slice of cheesecake? Vanilla bean. Marble, if you're out of that. And I'll need a fork."

"You've got a spoon right—" began Haruka.

"I'll need a fork," said Hikaru forcefully.

"Okay then," said the waitress, nodding as she quickly backed away.

Hikaru glanced back at the chuckling Nadia. "What's so funny?"

"This is the one joke, Hikaru, that you'll never get," said Nadia.

Hikaru frowned. "Look, I know what I like, okay? Is that a crime?"

Nadia seemed about to answer him when the sound of brass began. The pair turned to see Kagome on the stage, bouncing cheerfully along with the tune, an embarrassed Inu-Yasha by her side. She raised the microphone to her face. "Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?" she sang energetically. She pointed the microphone at Inu-Yasha.

"Shaft," he mumbled half inaudibly.

"Ya damn right!" said Kagome. "Who's the man that would—"

"My turn!" shouted Lum, leaping up on the stage, and ripping the microphone out of Kagome's hands. "—the man that would risk his neck for his brother man? Pause. Shaft. I can dig it."

"Hey, give it back!" yelled Kagome. "You're messing up everything!"

"No, you are!" shouted Lum.

Hikaru's leaned forward grimly. "Today has been a constant stream of embarrassment."

Lum yanked the microphone out of Kagome's hand, and it held above her head, the severed wire dangling after it. "HA! I WIN!" She turned back to the karaoke screen. "Shut your mouth! I'm only talking about Shaft! Then we can dig it!"

Hikaru slouched forward some more, and groaned.

"Is there a reason we're not striking now?" asked the man in the black suit.

The old man dressed in what looked like a modified Imperial Navy uniform nodded. "They're at full strength. We're not. I think that should be enough for you."

The man in black glanced at the squabbling heroines on the karaoke stage. "This is full strength?"

The old man stared at the group, and laughed. "Don't be fooled. I've seen them rally, and it is quite the sight." He smiled, his expression getting almost wistful. "They are bound by ties that I think even they do not perceive. Dr. Strange by an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the others, Hellcat by her drive to be a hero, Son of Satan by his urge not to fail Hellcat, Captain Oni by her gargantuan ego, and the Princess Nadia, by both her sense of justice—and her own rage."

The girl glanced at him. "What about Devil-Slayer?"

The old man shrugged. "Ehh, he's pretty much a third wheel…"

"Ahh," she said with a nod.

"Well, I still think we could take them right now," muttered the man in black.

"And you're wrong," said the old man. "Accept that." He sipped his drink. "And remember who's in charge."

The man in black grumbled to himself, and glanced awkwardly away.

"Sorry for your food taking so long," said Haruka as she stopped over with a tray. "Let's see—ramen for the gentlemen, and a hamburger for the lady."

The girl glanced at her suspiciously. "You made it rare, right…?"

"Any rarer, and it'd moo when you bit it," answered Haruka.

Before the waitress's startled eyes, the girl swallowed the burger in one gulp.

"Now, dear, what did I tell you about table manners?" admonished the old man.

"Sorry, dad," said the girl, wiping her mouth. She smiled at the waitress, revealing rows of sharp, knife-like teeth. "Could I have a second one?"

Haruka gulped and nodded. "Sure thing, kid. On the house." She quickly backed away.

The old man sighed. "I wish you wouldn't show off like that."

"Aww, come on," said the girl. "I'm a growing girl who likes her meat."

"You don't see me using my powers, do you?" said the man in black.

"That's cause you're not wearing your suit," replied the girl. The man in black glared at her. "You know," she continued, "I do have to ask—weren't you dead?"

The man in black sighed. "No. That's Stryke." He turned away. "An American supervillain who started in the business a little after I did. Made a similar suit, actually, with similar powers. It was five years before either of us had the least idea the other existed, and by that time, neither of us wanted to give it up…"

"Oh," said the girl. "So you killed him."

The man in black frowned. "No—he was killed by Edward Lavell—a Maggia crime boss who wanted Stryke's suit. He contracted a hit, and there went Stryke. Though I hear Lavell is using the name as well…"

The girl blinked. "What's—the Maggia?"

"It's an organization of Italian criminals, largely centered in New York—"

"Oh! You mean, the 'Mafia'!" said the girl delightedly.

"No, the Maggia. It's completely different. It has two 'gs' instead of an 'f'." He coughed awkwardly. "Also, no ties to the Teamsters' Union."

She nodded. "Ah. I see." She smiled pleasantly. "You know, Eel, I have to say you handle things well." She chuckled. "If I were constantly confused with a dead man, and at least one other person were using my name—well, I'd lose my temper, and there'd be unpleasantness."

The Eel stared at her levelly. "Shut up, Tiger Shark."

The old man sighed. "Young people these days. In my day, we had order."

Tiger Shark looked at her father. "In your days, you had a military dictatorship."

The old man shrugged, politely, and sipped his drink. "I personally don't see where that was a problem."

"—And I'm worried about Hikaru, Toshiro," Meiko Gosunkugi said sharply. "These strange hours he's been keeping—the constant absences—that strange manga club…"

"Oh, I don't see how they're so unusual," said her husband dismissively.

She glanced at him. "If they're a manga club, how come they never discuss manga, so far as I can tell?"

Toshiro shrugged. "I wouldn't say that. Why, just the other day, Kagome and I had a discussion of Char Ana—"

"Do not finish that name, Toshiro," said Meiko harshly. "I went through over a decade of having conversations with you where that name was a component, and I really, really don't want to experience them ever again."

"Right, honey," answered Toshiro meekly.

"And aside from Kagome, have any of the other members ever expressed an interest in any comics, at all?" said Meiko bluntly.

"Well, Miroku does collect quite a few titles—though admittedly from what I've seen all of them involve the words 'cream', 'whips', or 'schoolgirls'," noted Toshiro absently.

Meiko stared at her husband for a moment, rubbing her temples. "Will you just admit I'm right about this?"

"Okay, the manga club is a little funny," admitted Toshiro. "And Hikaru's been acting a bit odd. Still I don't see what's so bad? I mean, really what could be going on?"

Meiko crossed her arms, and began to tap her feet.

Young Meiko Gosunkugi stealthily made her way downstairs, and tiptoed to the cupboard. She began to root through it, and then picked out a package of fruit rolls, and began to head out. As she turned to leave, she bumped into her mother. Her mother coughed awkwardly. "Umm, Meiko—honey—nice to see you." She glanced around the room, her expression rather desperate. "So, how—"

"I'm fine," blurted out Meiko.

Her mother nodded. "Umm—right—well, I was just wondering if you want to ta—"

"I'm fine," said Meiko, darting past her mother, and heading back to her room. As she entered it, she let the familiar sounds of "Incense and Peppermints" wash over her. "Hey, Toshiro. Brought the snacks."

"Cool," said Toshiro, lying dazed on the floor with a small brown cigarette in his hand. "What'd you bring?"

"Fruit rolls," said Meiko, tossing the package at him. She took the cigarette from him. "Ran into my mom while I was getting them."

"Bummer," said Toshiro abstractly. He began to open a fruit roll. "So, like I was saying, we're all part of this one big thing, that's gradually becoming part of another big thing, and when that happens—there will be all this thingness, all around us, in the air and the trees, and it will be good, and beautiful…"

Meiko puffed on the cigarette, and giggled. "Man, that poster's so purple!"

Toshiro winced. "Oh, my god…"

Meiko nodded. "The cold spectre of remembrance just dart across your grave, Toshiro?"

Toshiro looked at her. "Something like that."

At that moment, they heard the front door open. " '—Whose reckless behavior caused wanton property destruction'!" came Hikaru's voice harshly. " 'In the opinion of this editor, these out of control delinquents should be exported, preferably to a nation we don't have trade agreements with.' " As he entered the living room, Nadia and Miroku following him, he crumpled up the newspaper he was reading, and threw it on the table. "How they can write that and not have their presses explode is beyond me…"

"Hikaru, do you care about publicity, or do you dislike it?" said Nadia sharply. "Because you seem to be taking both stances at one, which really isn't very reasonable…"

"For the last time, I'm ambivalent about it, which is a perfectly legitimate viewpoint—"

Toshiro coughed. "Umm—hi, son."

Hikaru froze. "Umm—hi, dad. Mom."

Meiko nodded stiffly. "Son."

Nadia stuck her hands in her pockets. "Mr. and Mrs. Gosunkugi…"

Miroku walked upstairs. "I've got a video to watch. For my—Buddhist study classes. After I'm done, I'll be going out. To meditate."

Nadia and Hikaru stared awkwardly at Hikaru's parents, who stared awkwardly back at them. "So—" began Toshiro at great length. "How was the manga club meeting…?"

"Fine," announced Nadia and Hikaru simultaneously.

"Very good," appended Hikaru.

"We were discussing the manga, at great length and with inspired insights," added Nadia.

"Well," said Toshiro, "that's good to know…" He blinked, then coughed. "So—Nadia—how are you—enjoying it here?"

"Oh, very much," said Nadia. "It's so nice to sleep in a bed again…"

Meiko looked at her in surprise. "You weren't sleeping on a bed before you came here?"

Nadia blinked. "Umm, no, I was… not, because…"

Hikaru coughed. "Long airplane flight."

"Right. Right." Nadia nodded energetically. "On my airplane flight, which was very long, I learned how irritating it is not to sleep in a bed."

"Naturally, she had a bed back home," stated Hikaru.

"Of course," agreed Nadia. "My home had a bed. My home had many beds. You cannot comprehend the sheer amount of beds that were in my home."

"So—where is your home?" asked Meiko softly.

"What?" said Nadia, her voice panicked.

"Your home—where is it exactly?" repeated Meiko. "Where do you come from?"

"Ahh, yes—my home. My place of origin. What a reasonable question." Nadia coughed.

"Quite reasonable," added Hikaru with an affirmative nod.

"Oh, definitely." Nadia glanced around desperately. "So—where am I from? That's an easy question to answer. I'm from—I'm from—"

"India," blurted out Hikaru.

"Africa," blurted out Nadia at the same time.

The pair stared at each other in ever-mounting panic. "What I meant," noted Hikaru, "was that's she's an Indian—from Africa."

"Yes," said Nadia. "That's it exactly."

"Right," said Hikaru.

"An Indian—from Africa?" said Toshiro, puzzled.

"They're quite common," said Nadia surely.

"Yes, very common," agreed Hikaru. "Not as common as Africans from Africa, mind you, but still common."

"Nothing unusual about them at all," said Nadia.

"And you should know, because you're one of them," said Hikaru.

"Very much so," affirmed Nadia.

The pair began to nod at each other, something they continued to do for just over a minute.

"So," said Meiko at last, breaking the silence, "what country in Africa are you from?"

Nadia turned to her, thunderstruck. "Wha—what country? What country, am I from? That's a good question. A perfectly reason—"

"Dear Lord, Nadia!" shouted Hikaru suddenly. "We forgot about THE THING!"

Nadia slapped her forehead. "That's right! The thing! The thing upstairs! The thing we must take care of! Right now!"

"Damn straight!" agreed Hikaru emphatically. He immediately started rushing to the stairs, Nadia on his heels.

"What's—the thing?" muttered Toshiro.

Hikaru turned around, and spread his hands forcefully. "That is something we are not at liberty to reveal!"

"Yes!" shouted Nadia. "The thing is not a safe thing! It is a dangerous thing! It is a thing that could destroy the unready! And that is why we must take care of the thing! Immediately!"

"Right!" said Hikaru, as the pair rushed up the stairs.

Meiko and Toshiro looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Finally, Meiko coughed. "That was weird."

"Yes, I have to agree," stated Toshiro, his voice slightly dazed.

She sighed. "So, Toshiro—it looks like it is time to give Hikaru—the talk."

"Oh, do we have to?" whined Toshiro. "You know how awkward it will be." He glanced at his feet. "I hate awkwardness."

Meiko smiled. "Toshiro, you find everything awkward."

"Well, yes," said Toshiro, "but the secret I've used to getting through life without a nervous breakdown is choosing the activities and people that inspire the minimum amount of awkwardness. I mean, that's why I married you."

Meiko frowned. "Gee. Thanks."

Toshiro shrugged. "What can I say, Meiko? You're the one person I feel anything close to comfortable around. If that isn't love, I don't know what is…"

Meiko stared at him a moment, then smiled and draped an arm around his shoulder. "Well, right back at you, Toshiro—you're the person I feel the closest to comfortable around myself." She chuckled. "Plus I find that way you have of screwing up, and then miraculously finding something that turns everything around really, really endearing."

Toshiro smiled. "What can I say? I'm a man of small, but potent gifts."

The door to the apartment opened. "So—did you follow them?" said the old man.

Tiger Shark snorted. "Tried to. Lost the scent." She shook her head. "It was—weird. One moment we were on their tails—the next we—well, we just weren't."

The Eel nodded. "It was quite nerve-wracking."

The old man sighed. "Well, then—looks like we'll have to go in with your friend Mad Dog and his friends on this." He shook his head. "I really wish we didn't—Mad Dog seems to be quite—unstable."

"And Blackout's worse," muttered Tiger Shark. "Still—if we want to get them, we'll have to attack at full strength…."

The old man nodded. "I'll call them." The Eel headed towards the door. "Where are you going?" asked the old man, as he picked up the phone.

"I'll need my suit," answered the Eel. "Unless you want me to just—hang around, of course."

"Right," said Tiger Shark. "Well, see you in the funny pages then."

The Eel smiled. "Naturally, naturally…"

Kilala's licking on her face awoke Kagome, on what looked to be a glorious morning. Kagome petted the demon cat's head fondly. "You want some breakfast, Kilala? Breakfast?" Kilala purred contentedly. Kagome nodded. "All right! I'll go get you some…" She put on her robe, and stepped out of her room.

She was surprised to find herself stepping into a snare, and then being left hanging upside down. She was also thankful she wore rather bulky pajamas, as the robe slipped off her shoulders. "Hi—Kagome," announced Lum, smiling cheerfully. "I think you and I should have a little talk."

Kagome gulped. "What—about—Lum?"

"Wellllll," began Lum. "I think you've been paying a bit too much attention to Darling, and I'm going to ask you to stop. And if you don't stop, I'll come down on you with all of my power, a force that the stars themselves are impotent against, and which consumes those who oppose it with a cruel and terrible fury." She winked at Kagome. "Understand?"

Kagome stared at her. "Umm—Lum—I really think you should just let me down…"

"I'm sorry? Was that you saying 'Gee, Lum, I understand, I'll leave your fiancé alone from now on, now please spare my insignificant life'? 'Cause it didn't sound like that…" said Lum tapping her feet.

Kagome frowned. "Look, Lum, Inu-Yasha has told you he doesn't like you. And I don't think threatening me will help you. So why don't you just let me down, and we'll all—"

"Still sounds like you're saying something different than what I want you to say!" noted Lum cheerfully.

Kagome growled slightly to herself, then glared at Lum. "That's it! You want to fight over Inu-Yasha? Fine! That's what we'll do! And if you think you can handle the fury of Hellcat—well, you can't! I'm—very cool actually."

Lum blinked. "Wow. You really are bad at being threatening, aren't you?"

"Well, at least I don't giggle when I do it," muttered Kagome.

"Oh, you silly," laughed Lum. "I only giggle cause I like threatening people! It makes me feel all fluttery inside. Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

"Kagome! Lum!" came the voice of Mrs. Higurashi. "It's breakfast!"

"We'll be right down, Mom!" shouted Kagome.

"Right!" said Lum. "I just have to untie Kagome first!"

"I'll just pretend I didn't hear that!" said Mrs. Higurashi loudly.

Kagome crossed her arms as Lum lowered her to the ground. "You know, Lum, you didn't have to use a snare to talk to me."

"Sure, I did!" announced Lum. "Snares are fun!" She shook her head. "So—you still haven't seen the light, and are going to try and forestall my inevitable victory?"

"What do you mean 'inevitable'? said Kagome, as she landed smoothly on the floor.

"Well, I never lose," replied Lum with a smile. "So, naturally, I will beat you."

"Umm, but, didn't Hikaru and the others beat you?" asked Kagome, scratching her head. "When you wanted to blow up the Earth, and they stopped you? Isn't that the whole reason your people exiled you in the first place?"

"Oh, everybody just thinks I lost," answered Lum confidently. "I'm really just biding my time, waiting for the perfect moment to achieve perfect victory."

Kagome stared at her. "Wow. I think I get what Hikaru was talking about when he called you 'psychotically deluded'."

"Well, I don't," said Lum dismissively. "Why do you disgusting genetic inferiors have so many terms that we Oni don't even have concepts for? Don't you realize that if it were important, we'd have a word for it? A better one, in fact?"

Kagome sighed. "I also think I understand what he meant when he said you were impossible to talk to…" She stood up, and then shuddered slightly. "Man, being upside-down really makes the blood rush to your head…"

"Yeah, that's what Ran used to say," noted Lum.

"Ran?"

"My old you," said Lum. "She was my best friend, who always existed in the shadow of my incandescent glory." Lum sniffled. "Boy, I miss her. Why, sometimes, I can almost hear the sweet sound of her voice."

"Gonna kill the bitch, kill her 'til she dies, dies screaming in agony," sang Ran softly, in a sweet voice.

"Umm, Miss Blackout?" asked Mad Dog politely. "Are we going to—you know—do something soon?"

Ran turned to look at him. "We are doing something, Mad Dog. We're spying on them. And until our friends get here, that's all we will be doing."

"But—" began Mad Dog.

"Why don't you go get Lord Rei?" asked Ran. "I think he headed off after that fried dough cart…"
"Oh, no," muttered Mad Dog. "Not again."

Ran turned to him. "What was that?"

Mad Dog gulped. "Well—Miss Ran—it just seems to me that—well, since I teamed up with you, I've spent a lot of time looking after Flying Tiger…"

Ran nodded. "That's right. He needs a lot of looking after. Lord Rei dwells on another plane, a higher one than the rest of us mere mortals, and as such, he needs a great deal of assistance getting through the day…"

Mad Dog coughed. "He seems to mostly be interested in eating. I wouldn't call that—"

Ran turned to glare at him, holding up a sphere of darkness. "What wouldn't you call it?"

"Nothing," whimpered Mad Dog. He started to scurry away. "I'll—go get him."

Ran nodded to herself. "Good."

Nadia came down to the Gosunkugi breakfast table, with a smile on her face. "Botswana!" she announced loudly. "I am from Botswana."

Meiko and Toshiro looked at each other hesitatingly. "That's… nice," stated Toshiro after a long silence.

"Yes, Botswana," continued Nadia. "Population; 1,561,973 people. Capital; Gaborone. National Language; English, with the dominant native language being Setswana. Principal industries are diamonds, copper, nickel, salt, soda ash, potash, livestock processing, and textiles. The chief agricultural products are livest—"

"That's all very interesting," said Meiko abruptly. "Now please shut up."

"Right," said Nadia with a nod. She sat down, and looked at them eagerly. "You sure you don't want to here more about my native land of Botswana?"

"Very sure," replied Meiko with a nod.

Toshiro glanced at her. "So—want some French toast?"

"Sure," said Nadia handing him her plate.

As her husband forked food onto the girl's plate, Meiko looked at Nadia quizzically. "So, Nadia…" she began.

"Have you changed your mind about hearing about Botswana?" the young woman asked hopefully.

"No," said Meiko direly. She coughed apologetically as Toshiro placed the plate gingerly before Nadia. "Actually, I was wondering about Hikaru…"

Nadia, reaching towards her fork, froze. "Hikaru?" She laughed nervously. "Why would you want to ask me about Hikaru? Me, who has only known him for a brief time, especially when compared with you, his parents?"

Meiko leaned forward. "Because you're his friend, who would know if my son was getting involved in something dangerous, and would naturally tell me."

Nadia glanced down at her French toast, then shoved the plate away. "You know, I just remembered—I'm on a diet…" She stood up, and nodded. "Well, Mr. and Mrs. Gosunkugi, it was nice talking to you…"

Meiko nodded. "Could you send Hikaru down?"

"Right. Sure. Whatever you say." Nadia darted out of the room, and up the stairs, stopping to take a deep breath. She shook her head, and knocked at Hikaru's door. "Umm… Hikaru? Can I come in?"

"Sure, sure," said Hikaru distractedly. "Just don't touch anything…"

Nadia entered the room to find Hikaru on the floor, lying on his belly while grabbing his legs, which he had bent backwards. She stared at him for a moment. "What are—?"

"Yoga," he answered concomitantly. "I'm presently doing the bow pose."

Nadia nodded. "Ahh." She coughed. "Is that as uncom—"

"Only at first," he answered. "Then your spine gets used to being treated as if it were made out of rubber." He took a deep breath. "Actually that's one of the best parts about these exercises—they've given me the flexibility that allows me to break bones much less often than I should, and the endurance to keep on going when I do."

Nadia frowned. "Oh. That's—nice to know." She watched him for a moment. "How long do you have to hold—?"

"Another five minutes," replied Hikaru.

Nadia nodded slowly, then coughed. "Do you have to do this?"

"Yes. It balances my energies," stated Hikaru flatly.

"What?"

"My energies. My chi. My vital force. The inner power that all possess but few learn how to direct." Hikaru shut his eyes. "Absolutely necessary for any who practice the Art. My ability to tap into my own energy is what allows me to summon forth the powers of the universe, and must be maintained—"

"I get your point," said Nadia. "There's no need to elaborate."

"Fine," answered Hikaru.

There was a long, awkward silence. Finally, Nadia coughed. "Not very—exciting is it?"

"You missed my Astanga drills with power yells," replied Hikaru.

She nodded. "So that was what sounded like a sick, dying cat earlier."

Hikaru gave her an offended look. "I prefer to think of it as a sick, dying mountain lion, myself."

"Your parents want to talk to you," said Nadia.

Hikaru rolled to his feet. "Right. Probably some family togetherness thing. If you hear me knocking three times on the table, come down to bail me out. I will need it…" He walked out of the room.

Nadia shook her head. "That boy is going to have three ulcers by the time he's twenty…"

"—And trust me, when I'm done crushing you, you will have learned the limit of being crushed!" shouted Lum, waving her fist. "You'll be the epitome of crushedness!"

"Oh, I think you'll find that I don't get crushed," said Kagome. "I'm the least crushedable thing on the planet!"

"Well, that's because you've never had the weight of Lum Oni on top of you!"

Kagome's mother began to hum fervently, and nervously wipe at the counter. Sota glanced nervously at the Oni. "So—you want some more chocolate milk?"

Lum waved her hand in dismissal. "No thank you. I think I shall have the PULPY JUICED EXTRACT OF CRUSHED ORANGES! ORANGES—THAT HAVE BEEN CRUSHED AS I SHALL CRUSH YOU, KAGOME!"

"Do you have to be so emotional about this?" asked Kagome quietly.

Lum crossed her arms. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Kagome looked away. "You never do, do you?"

Lum frowned. "I do not need this unjustifiable persecution, and am going to drink my juiced oranges."

Kagome took a deep breath. "You know, Lum, I'm starting to get used to having you around, and when you get down to it, what bugs the heck out of me is that you can never be wrong. The moment you say something, it's the truth because you said it. Everyone else is just this—thing for you to be better than, or maybe something for you to have. You don't care what anyone else thinks…"

"Hey, look!" said Lum cheerfully. "I can blow bubbles in my drink!" She commenced to do just that.

Kagome slumped forward, defeated.

"Hey, wuzzup…" came a sleepy voice.

"Hey, Inu-Yasha," said Kagome. She turned to look at him. "Umm—whoa. What's happened to you?"

"What're ya talkin' about?" muttered the half-demon groggily.

"You're still human," answered Kagome.

"What?" shouted Inu-Yasha. He picked up a plate and glanced at his reflection. "Oh, man! Not now!"

Kagome blinked. "This has happened before?"

"Yeah, a couple times," muttered the half-demon. "The first time was when I'd been huntin' fire rats for a month, and gotten myself all kinds of tired…" He shook his head. "Anyway, it should clear up by tonight."

"Hmmph," muttered Lum, crossing her arms. "This whole thing stinks of Skrull trickery. I can feel their green, scaly fingerprints all over this…"

"Aren't they—dead?" asked Inu-Yasha.

"That's just what they WANT people to think!" The oni glanced around the room in a paranoid fervor. "Those twisted masters of shape-shifting could be anywhere—or anyone!" She glanced down at her ankles. Booya was lightly swatting at them. "AH-HA! Caught you!" She grabbed the cat by the waist and lifted him up to her face. "Thought you could get away, didn't you? Well, I'm on to you, pal! Now, confess! You're a Skrull, aren't you?"

Kagome sighed. "Lum, put the cat down."

Lum glared at her. "Are you kidding? I'm this close to cracking his Skrull-trained façade!" Booya swatted at her face. "Ouch! Why you treacherous agent of Skrull imperialism…"

"Lum, put the frickin' cat down," Inu-Yasha growled.

Lum blinked, and released Booya. "Darling—did you just—side with—Kagome?"

"Yes," said Inu-Yasha.

"But—I was just standing up to the Skrull menace…" began Lum nervously. "I—it was because I love you…"

"I don't care," replied the half-demon.

Lum stared at him for a moment, her jaw hanging slackly in astonishment. She then shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and stood up, slamming her hands on the table. "Well, FINE! If that's how you're going to be, I'm leaving! And I'm not coming back! And when the Skrull enslave you, then you can come crying to me!" She pointed at Kagome. "Especially you, you darling-stealer! You can come on your hands and knees, and hope I'll save you, but I won't! I'll just laugh! Like this! Teeheeheehee-tcha!" She shook her head. "Man, that will be great." Then, with a spin of her heels, she stormed out of the kitchen. As she left, she glared briefly at Booya. "Don't think you're off the hook. I'm on to you, pal."

Kagome's mother coughed gently after she was certain the Oni was out of earshot. "Well, she's certainly—spirited."

"That's one way of puttin' it," muttered Inu-Yasha grimly.

"Now, son," began Toshiro Gosunkugi, glancing around the room awkwardly.

Hikaru stared at him for a moment. "Yes—Dad."

"Hikaru—my son—the time has come—" Toshiro coughed nervously, and looked up at the ceiling, before beginning again. "Hikaru—your mother and I have noticed some—changes in your lifestyle." He bit his lip, and then stared at his feet. "For example—well, like—"

"You have friends," noted Meiko Gosunkugi bluntly.

"—Which is a good thing," appended Toshiro hastily. "A very good thing. In some ways. However, the sheer—amount of changes in your lifestyle causes us to wonder if you have had—certain other changes. Now—Hikaru—at your age, change is normal. But sometimes—some changes indicate—things." Toshiro looked his son in the eyes, desperation obvious on his face. "You do get what I mean, don't you?"

Hikaru blinked. "I believe so, and trust me—there's no need to talk to me about puberty. I've experienced its deforming touch."

Toshiro stared at his son quietly for a moment, then glanced at his chuckling wife. "This isn't funny, Meiko."

Meiko snorted. "You're right—it's actually hilarious."

Toshiro's eyes narrowed. "You know, you're the one who wanted to have this talk…"

"Yeah, yeah…" said Meiko in forced repentance.

"I would have been just as happy not to have this talk."

"I know, I know."

"In fact, if you're going to act like this, I'll just leave, and we won't have the talk."

"No, no—I'm cool."

"So can we get back to it?"

"Go ahead. No one's stopping you."

The couple suddenly winced at the sound of a rap on the table. They glanced up at their son, who nervously glanced at his hand, which was resting uneasily atop the tabletop. "Flies," said Hikaru apologetically.

Toshiro coughed, then looked earnestly at his son. "Now, Hikaru—are—have you ever—do you—"

Meiko groaned to herself, then turned to Hikaru. "Yo, son. Are you downing any reds?"

Hikaru blinked. "Say what?"

"Doing any snow? Horse? Weed? Crystal? Bennies? Downers? Acid? Angel Dust? Anything like that at all?"

Hikaru's hand slapped several times against the table. "Boy, lot of pesky insects around, aren't there?"

Meiko frowned. "Not really. Now, answer the question?"

Hikaru laughed nervously. "Ahh, yes. The question. The important question." He coughed. "Could I—get a translation? A version of it that makes sense?"

"Are you doing drugs?" said Meiko bluntly.

"No," answered Hikaru with a reassured nod.

"Because if you are, we don't necessarily look down on that," she finished.

"What?" said Hikaru blankly, his clenched fist nervously slamming into the table.

"I think what your mother's trying to say is that she and I feel that certain substances declared dangerous by the government have legitimate recreational uses," explained Toshiro.

"Damn straight," agreed Meiko.

"And as long as you use them responsibly and in moderation, we have nothing against you using those substances," continued Toshiro.

"Also, make sure you're dealing with reputable dealers," added Meiko. "Some of these guys are rip-off artists, and others are just animals."

Hikaru nodded, nervously, rubbing his hand. "It's—nice to know you're concerned." He began to knock on the table again.

Meiko pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. "Actually, I've got a list of ones you can trust with me…"

Hikaru began to inch his chair away. "I'm really not interested." He smiled broadly. "Thanks for the offer." He swatted the table.

"You sure?" his mother asked. "Because I can assure you these are men and women you can trust. Actually, some might be willing to give you a discount if you mention my name…"

Hikaru's rapping took on a frantic edge. "I'm still going to pass, mom."

"I think we should respect Hikaru's wishes on this one," said Toshiro quietly.

Meiko frowned. "But Toshiro! You know I don't want my baby burning out his soul and endangering his health with unsafe, inferior products!"

Toshiro took a deep breath. "I knew this was going to wind up like this…"

"Oh, like your 'touchy-feely' approach was getting us anywhere." Meiko glared at her husband. "We could have been talking for the next seven years the rate you were going."

"Hikaru!" said Nadia, rushing in. "Miroku's in trouble! We have to save him!"

Hikaru stood up triumphantly. "YES!" he shouted. His parents stopped squabbling, and turned to look at him. He fidgeted slightly. "We should go do that. Right now." He coughed, then looked at his parents. "Umm, thank you for—the talk. It's very—comforting to know you're worried about me. I assure you I'm doing—just fine, and definitely don't have a drug problem." He darted out of the room. "Bye."

His parents were silent for a moment. Finally, Toshiro turned to his wife. "You know, on the whole, that went a lot better than I thought it would," he stated firmly.

"Oh, definitely."

"Ahh, that was brilliant," said Hikaru as they headed outside. "I so often fail to appreciate the usefulness of Miroku! He lives in my house, and is a member of my quote-unquote 'Manga Club', and hence he's my responsibility! So it makes sense if every now and then I help him! It's simple logic!"

Nadia nodded. "Glad you think of it that way. Now let's go get him."

Hikaru stopped. "What?"

Nadia continued to walk. "He's in jail. Ethics charge. He needs us to post bail."

"What?" Hikaru shoved his hands angrily in his pockets. "ARRGH! That no-good, shifty, worthless, philandering, conniving letch! I ought to let him rot, the squamous, repulsive—"

"What happened to your responsibility?" said Nadia in cloying tones.

"Fine, we'll pull his bacon out of the fire, but this is the last time!" said Hikaru bitterly, catching up with her. "I mean, I'm not a charitable organization. I'm a superhero!"

"And not a particularly pleasant one," noted Nadia.

"Precisely."

Ran nodded as the door opened. "Hey, Mad Dog. Glad to see you've returned. Captain Oni left a while back, and since I didn't want to leave without you and Lord Rei knowing where I was, I've been spending my time compiling a list of all the things I've fished out of her trash…"

"It's not Mad Dog," came a familiar voice.

Ran turned, and glanced at the old man. "Oh. It's you." She looked at Tiger Shark and the Eel. "And you've brought the rest of the fish gang."

The old man moved forward confidently. "You should be more polite to your employees."

Ran snorted. "I'll file that with all the other advice I plan to ignore."

The old man raised his cane. "That's not very wise. Especially considering that we outnumber you three to one."

"Why you insolent—" Ran blinked. Somehow, while she'd been distracted, Tiger Shark and the Eel had grabbed her arms. "What's going on here?"

"Simply a little discussion," noted the old man quietly. "My associates and I are getting—rather impatient with you. We're starting to wonder if you ever have any plans to actually attack our mutual enemies, instead of just talking about it."

Ran frowned. "Hey! Vengeance is hard! To defeat your enemy, you must know your enemy, and to know your enemy you must first move across the street from them, then move in with them, then steal their clothes—"

The old man leaned forward menacingly. "You know, we're starting to think you have no intention to actually attack Captain Oni."

"What?" shouted Ran. "How dare you! I'd kill her right now to prove you wrong, if she wasn't gone."

The old man smiled. "Actually, we have a plan to deal with that… problem."

Tiger Shark and the Eel let her go. Ran glared at the old man. "You seem to have a lot of faith in my keeping my temper."

He chuckled. "Well, I know you're smart enough to realize we should stay on the same side. We're all hunters here, and when two packs of hunters go after the same herd, they usually wind up wasting time fighting each other and lose the prey." He leaned against the wall. "But when the predators stay united, they can attack with all their strength, from all sides, inspiring panic in the quarry. That way—they all get what they want." He swiveled suddenly as the door opened, Tiger Shark and the Eel taking his hint, and rushing to the side of the people entering.

Mad Dog stood there, Rei by his side, staring in mild shock as Tiger Shark and the Eel glowered at him. "Umm—well, I found Rei, Ms. Blackout. He was at a pizza parl…"

Ran looked at him contemptuously. "There's been a change of plan, Mad Dog. We're attacking now. The captain will explain it to you."

Mad Dog gulped and nodded. "Well—glad that's cleared up…"

Kagome glanced at Inu-Yasha. "You know, we should probably get her. It's been nearly an hour."

Inu-Yasha snorted. "Let her cool off. By tomorrow she'll be back, pretendin' like the whole thing never happened."

"Yeah, I know, but till then she'll be doing something stupid," Kagome sighed. "To tell you the truth, I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her. She's got real issues…"

"Ah, boo hoo," muttered Inu-Yasha.

"I'm not kidding, Inu-Yasha," said Kagome. "She actually thinks she's in love with you, and all sorts of stuff. I mean, we're like the only thing she's got to hang onto, and we keep pushing her away."

Inu-Yasha stared at her for a moment. "You been watchin' those talk shows again, ain't ya?"

Kagome crossed her arms. "A superhero must be able to understand both the battlefield and the mindfield."

Inu-Yasha snarled. "Right. Fine. We'll go look for the flake." He stood up.

Kagome glanced at him, surprised. "Well, I didn't mean right now!" She settled down on the sofa. "After the next few shows. Maybe."

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Sounds reasonable."

There was a knock on the door. "Sota!" yelled Kagome. "Could you get the door?"

"Why can't you?" yelled back her little brother.

"I'm watching something!"

"Oh! So your butt's glued to the sofa, or something?"

Kagome scowled. "Mom! Sota's being rude to me!"

"Sota!" came Mrs. Higurashi's voice from the kitchen. "Apologize to your sister! And get the door while you're at it!"

Shortly thereafter, the mumbling, sour-faced form of Sota crossed through the room, and went to the doorway. A moment later, he shouted, "Hey, Kagome! It's your friend, Hojo! He wants to know if he can come in!"

"Mom! Can Hojo come in?"

"Certainly!" Her mother's head emerged from the kitchen doorway, and fixed Kagome with a fond parental gaze. "You know I have nothing against you seeing boys." She laughed fondly. "Boys, Kagome. You should see boys."

Kagome chuckled lightly. "Gosh, mom, I almost think you're afraid I'll marry Lum, or something!"

Mrs. Higurashi's face froze for a moment. Then she covered her ears, and began to sing "La, la, la, la, la," as loudly as possible.

"Yeah, Sota, it's fine!" shouted Kagome. She glanced back at Inu-Yasha. "So—where do you think we should look?"

Inu-Yasha blinked. "Look? For what?"

"Lum!"

"Oh, right." He nodded. "Her." He thought it over. "Could check the bakeries."

"What?"

"Well, girls eat things when they're depressed…" said Inu-Yasha casually.

Kagome glowered at him. "Says who?"

"Well—you know—people," said Inu-Yasha, a desperate note coming into his voice.

Kagome's eyes narrowed.

"You do know… people, right?" muttered Inu-Yasha softly.

"Ahh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything," came Hojo's voice.

"Not rea—" Kagome blinked. "Umm, Hojo—"

He sighed. "Is this because I'm now covered in fur, like some unholy animal, with fangs and claws to match?"

Kagome nodded slowly. "That and…the guys in costume coming in with you… And the fact that you're carrying Sota by the throat."

Hojo nodded. "Oh, right. Well—to put it simply—I've gone into supervillainy, and my associates and I are going to take you and your family hostage." He coughed politely. "I have to say I'm terribly sorry for the personal inconvenience to you, and hope you'll forgive me for it."

In the corner, a tiny pair of eyes narrowed, then turned away, unnoticed.

"—And I just can't believe those nice young women were vice cops," said Miroku, shaking his head in wonder.

Nadia rolled her eyes. "That's the point, Miroku. You're not supposed to."

"Hey, now, Hey now, Iko-iko an dey, Chakko mo fino, ah-nah-ney, Chakko mo fi-nah-ney!" came the man singing at the karaoke stage.

Hikaru raised his hand. "Waitress! In the name of all that's holy, bring me some more coffee! I need something to distract me from the horrible conversation, and the horrible, horrible singing."

Haruka stared at him. "Would me pouring this hot coffee on your lap count, Mr. Bossy Boots?"

"Actually, I think even that would count as an improvement," said Hikaru grimly.

The waitress gingerly set the cup before him. "You scare me sometimes," she stated honestly.

"That's only the initial impression," Hikaru noted as she backed away. "When you really get to know me, you'll be terrified."

Miroku sighed as he glanced at him. "You know, Hikaru, sometimes I get the impression that you don't respect me very much."

"That's nonsense," said Hikaru, idly sipping his coffee, while glaring at the karoake stage. "I consider you a very good dead weight on my shoulders."

There was a silence for a moment. Finally, Nadia coughed. "You know, you could at least try to cover up your Freudian slip there."

"What makes this worse is, I'm a Zevon fan," muttered Hikaru under his breath, before turning to Nadia. "I'm sorry, what did you just say? I was paying attention to the horrible, horrible singing."

Nadia glared at him. "You pick at your scabs, don't you?"

"I try to avoid it," said Hikaru guiltily, "but they're so—scabby." He shuddered to himself.

A tiny white cat with a flaming tail leapt through the café's door.

Nadia blinked. "Hikaru?"

"Yes," said Hikaru, sipping his coffee.

"A tiny white cat with a flaming tail just leapt through the café's door," she said slowly.

Hikaru stared at her. "Why are you telling me this?"

"It just seems likely that you and I are connected to this event," she noted.

"But is it certain?" he queried. "Tokyo's a big city. Lot's of crazy crap happens here. We aren't connected to all of it. Two weeks ago, we had a freak electric storm which some people claim was a struggle between storm gods. No connection with us. It doesn't stand to follow that the cat has one."

The cat leapt onto their table.

Nadia glanced at him. "You know, you should feel lucky you're not a betting man."

Hikaru frowned. "I blame the bad karaoke."

"Why it's Kilala!" said Miroku fondly.

"Ehh?" said a puzzled Hikaru and Nadia simultaneously.

"She's a little demon cat we found back when we had our adventures in the Warring States period," explained Miroku. "Kagome's been keeping her as a pet…"

"Oh, God, do I have to listen to this?" moaned Hikaru. "I've made it clear time and time again that the less I hear about your needlessly Byzantine pasts, the happier I am. Is it just not sinking in?"

"Well, she's certainly the cutest thing," said Nadia cheerfully. She began to tickle the cat's head. "Ah-gootchie-gootchie-goo!"

Kilala glanced up and mewed. Miroku gasped and turned to Hikaru. "Oh no! She says Inu-Yasha and Kagome are in trouble!" He looked at Nadia. "Also, she wants you to stop that."

Nadia nodded nervously. "Okay."

Hikaru blinked. "You can—talk to cats now?"

Miroku nodded. "If they're demon cats, yes."

Hikaru stared at him for a moment, then stood up. "Just—excuse me, for a moment…" he noted with eerie calm. He stepped away from the booth, and began to scream. "ARRRGH! WHEN WILL THE MADNESS ENNNND!" He fell to the floor and rolled into a ball. "This isn't what I wanted. I just wanted to be a normal boy, with normal friends, and normal hobbies—not to dwell in this infernal nightmare realm of eternal aberration! It has to stop! IT HAS TO STOP!" He began to giggle nervously. "Wait, I know! This is all in my mind! My horrible, horrible mind! I've gone completely insane. In another hour, I'll snap out of this, and I'll be in a mental hospital, filled with friendly, understanding, rational doctors who will reveal this all stems from that time I saw my parents engaging in the physical act of love whilst I was a small lad. That's all. My ego is tangled up with my anima, and they're both causing me to have a negative stimulus response. It can all be explained."

Nadia glanced at Miroku. "Our fearless leader."

"This is still better than the time you took the last coffee pop," noted Miroku.

Hikaru slowly rose, gripping the table tightly. "I'm okay now. Just had to get it out of my system…" He glanced at Miroku, his eye twitching. "Now—what does the demon cat tell you to do?"

"Well, Kilala is suggesting we go help Kagome," explained Miroku.

"Umm, guys, I'm going to have to ask that you leave the restaurant," said the waitress.

"What? Did I break store policy by having a freak-out in the middle of the store?" asked Hikaru darkly.

"Oh, no, that's fine," she answered. "If we threw people out for that we'd lose the vast profits we make from the homeless." She gestured over to a corner.

"MEGA-JESUS MAN WILL BURN YOU ALL WITH HIS ULTRA POWERS!" shouted a disheveled man sitting in a booth. "DO NOT DOUBT THE MIGHT OF MEGA-JESUS MAN!"

Hikaru blinked. "I don't know how I missed that guy."

"Well, he mostly sits in the corner and gibbers about the Illumanti so you usually wind up tuning him out," explained Haruka. "No, our problem is the cat. No pets allowed."

Hikaru nodded. "Naturally. I can see that. Please allow us to leave, in a calm, orderly fashion." He glanced at his companions. "Well, chop chop, people. Calm and orderly now." As they filed out the door, he glanced at the waitress. "You didn't find the—flaming tail odd, did you?"

"No odder then that Asagi kid and her pet turtle," she replied. She pointed out the window. "Oh, look! There they are now."

As Hikaru watched, a giant turtle streaked across the sky, flame pouring out of the back end of its shell. A young girl sat on its head. "Hurry, Gamera! There's been a Gyaos infestation in Hokkaido! We must go there, for the sake of the world's children!"

Hikaru blinked. "I don't know how I can go on missing things like that." He shrugged, then headed out the door, following Nadia, Miroku and Kilala down an alleyway. "So," he began, "this trouble—is it superheroic in nature, or—"

Kilala mewed. Miroku nodded earnestly then glanced at Hikaru. "She figures it is, yes."

Hikaru stared ahead bleakly, then began to massage his temples. "Right. Well, I'll just teleport my costume on, and then we can begin to tackle the latest threat to our lives and well-being…

"Teleport your costume…?" began Nadia nervously.

"Yes. It's a new trick I'm working on. It'll save us the hassle of having to trek back and forth over the city, gathering our various accoutrements," noted Hikaru as he began to gesture theatrically.

"Hikaru, I was under the impression you really hadn't gotten teleportation down yet," said Nadia levelly.

"While I'm still working out a few kinks in the process, I am progressing in leaps and bounds," said Hikaru frostily, as blue light engulfed him. "Behold my eldritch power!" His form vanished in the blue nimbus momentarily, reappearing wearing the costume of Dr. Strange, his Cloak of Levitation encircling his shoulders. Hikaru crossed his arms in satisfaction. "There, see!"

Miroku coughed politely. "Umm—Hikaru—your pants…"

"What the—?" Hikaru glanced down and realized he was presently one pair of black silk boxer shorts away from going au naturale. "Oh, son of a—" he began as he started his mystic preparations once again.

"You know, I always figured you for a brief man myself," said Nadia.

"Yes, that's me," muttered Hikaru. "Full of surprises."

"So… Hojo…" began Kagome nervously.

"Yes, Kagome," said the furry young man eagerly. "Is something wrong? Are the ropes around your arms chafing you?"

"Umm, a little… could you maybe untie them?" Kagome smiled at him hopefully.

"I'm sorry, terribly sorry" he replied sincerely, "but Miss Blackout explained this to me. We even practiced it. No, I won't untie you." He glanced over at the girl with pink hair who was glaring at Kagome's house. "Hey, did you see that, Miss Blackout? I didn't untie her."

"That's great, Mad Dog," she replied flatly. "I'm happy for you."

"Mad Dog?" said Kagome nervously.

Hojo bashfully lowered his head. "That's what they call me now. I'm a hardened supervillain, you see. I figured it was the best way to impress you."

Kagome nodded, slowly. "I see… Well, I'm flattered, an' all, but really Hojo—"

"Kagome," said Inu-Yasha his voice tired. "Stop talkin' to him. It's only encouragement."

Kagome blinked. "What does that mean?"

"Well, if you keep talkin' to him he's gonna think this crazy plan he's launched is workin'," noted Inu-Yasha.

"Inu-Yasha!" shouted Kagome. "You don't know that he came up with this scheme!"

"That's right!" said Hojo. "Actually, it's Ms. Blackout's scheme. I just showed her where you live."

Inu-Yasha glared at him. "Gee. Wasn't that big of you?"

"Well, I really am sorry for any problems I've caused Kagome," noted Hojo, "but really, this is all your fault. If you hadn't stolen her heart, I would never have decided to undergo lengthy, painful genetic manipulations to turn me into something more like you!" He glanced at Inu-Yasha. "Of course, I'm kind of irritated that you're—well normal now."

Inu-Yasha glared at him. "Trust me. It won't last. I'll get better again, an' kick yer ass."

Hojo frowned. "I'd like it very much if you'd watch your language. There are ladies present."

"Gee, yer right," noted Inu-Yasha icily. "The ones ya tied up, and are now threatening. How rude a me! How dare I ruin yer hostage situation!"

Hojo nodded. "Well, that's more like it. I accept your apology."

Kagome was looking at Hojo, troubled. "Ummm—when you said you—did this to yourself—because Inu-Yasha—stole my heart…?"

Hojo sighed painfully. "Oh, Kagome, you don't have to try and deny it. I saw you and he talking, when I was about to deliver a pair of sanatorium tickets to you, and I realized immediately that my hopes were futile."

"Hopes?" said Kagome, her voice somewhat confused.

"Well—Kagome, you know I have feelings for you. I mean, how else could you explain all my gifts of corrective shoes, skin balm and throat lozenges?"

"Concern for my illness?" suggested Kagome.

"Are you that blind?" declared Hojo. "Couldn't you see them for what they were—the declaration of my desire to care for you, just as my father cares for my mother? To protect you, in your moment of weakness."

"Umm, well, sorry, I guess…" began Kagome.

"Yes," continued Hojo, oblivious, "to make certain that nothing bad happens to you. To cater to your every need. To make certain you never have to leave the house, or risk your delicate health in any way. To have me take care of you, and take your temperature, and massage your feet, and make sure the chains on your door on secure…"

Kagome blinked. "Ahh. Uh-huh. Yeah… Urrr… I see…"

Mrs. Higurashi coughed. "You know, Hojo, I think your father might have—"

"My father is A GOOD MAN!" shouted the mutated boy. "He only punishes me with the hose because I fail him! He's right to do that! Right!" Hojo began to slap himself. "Obey your father! Obey your father! Obey your father!" He shook his head. "Well, anyway, the big point is, Kagome, that I've subjected myself to hideous experiments to make myself into the kind of guy you apparently prefer. Which is actually how I met Ms. Tiger Shark, who sort of helped me discover the world of supervillainy." He sighed. "I have to admit, it's not working out like I thought it would. Oh, the beatings and the torture are fun, but I find it so dreadfully untidy."

Mrs. Higurashi glanced at her daughter. "You know, Kagome, I'm going to have to suggest that you not invite Hojo in anymore."

Kagome nodded. "Way ahead of you, Mom."

Tiger Shark glanced at her associate. "You know, Mad Dog, I don't see why you're letting yourself be yanked around by cajones by this frail. She doesn't seem to be anything particularly special…"

"Watch your language, dear," said the old man, twirling his cane.

"Sorry, Dad," noted the villainess.

The old man glanced at Kagome's grandfather. "Children these days. You know what I mean?"

"Oh, yes," agreed her grandfather. "Why the stories I could tell you about that girl…"

Kagome glanced at him. "Grampa! No telling embarrassing stories to the people holding us hostage!"

"You see!" he shouted. "Always with the contrariness!"

"Right, Grampa," said Kagome, rolling her eyes. She really hoped help was on its way. This whole situation was getting really embarrassing.

Lum sat on top of the Tokyo Tower, mumbling to herself. "I bet they're sorry now. Yep. I bet right now they're all thinking 'Oh, no! Where is Lum?' and Darling's all 'Waaa! I should never been so cruel to Lum!' and Kagome's all 'Oh, Lum, please come back! I need your friendship to elevate my dreary, unworthy life!' And Dr. Strange will be all 'Oh, Lum, I have to admit it—your incredible charm and wisdom make me realize my own inadequacy. I'm stepping down and putting you in charge!' Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

"Like hell I will," came a familiar high-pitched voice crackling with slow-burning anger. Lum turned to see Dr. Strange hovering near her.

"Oh. Doctor Strange," said Lum. "Nice to see you. Have you been there long?"

Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "Long enough. Now, come with me. We're having trouble, and it looks like we might need your help."

Lum glared at him. "No. You people don't appreciate the glory that is me, and so, you can try to operate without you for awhile."

Hikaru sighed. "Fine. Force me to unleash my devious back-up plan." He turned down. "Nadia! Could you please come up here? I need your help convincing Lum."

"Oh!" came the voice of the amphibious girl. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," said Hikaru. "I've already tried everything in my admittedly limited social arsenal, and it hasn't worked."

There was a muffled exclamation, and then Nadia fluttered up. "Lum," began Nadia slowly, "I know we can be hard on you occasionally…"

"I'll say!" chirped Lum. "All I want you to do is acknowledge my clear and obvious superiority, and you won't do that."

Nadia stared at the Oni numbly, then shut her eyes. "Deep, cleansing breaths," she muttered quietly, following it by inhaling. "Deep, cleansing breaths."

"Teeheeheehee-tcha! Your cheeks puff out all funny when you do that!" giggled Lum.

Nadia's eyes opened, then narrowed. Within seconds she was attempting to dive forward as Hikaru restrained her. "Let me kill her! Please!" screamed Nadia. "It would be quick! And painless! I wouldn't feel anything!"

"No, Nadia!" said Hikaru. "It's not worth it! We need her help! Plus, we'd have to clean up all the blood and damage! Can you imagine how irritating that would be?"

Nadia stared at him bleakly. "Dear Neptune—there's no stopping her, is there?"

Hikaru shut his eyes. "As I've said before Nadia, there some evils we cannot overcome."

"Hey, look!" said Lum. "That vending machine down there's selling panties! That's weird, eh? Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Hikaru winced. "No matter how badly we want to."

"She has surprisingly good eyesight," noted Nadia.

Lum laughed. "Of course I do! We Oni are naturally better than everyone! So naturally better, that we had a few of our enslaved biotechnists come up with enhanced senses for us, under pain of death!" She grinned at Nadia. "Just further proof of the universe's undeniable tendency to have things go our way."

Nadia stared forward bleakly for a moment, then sat down glumly on one of the tower's pillars. "Life really sucks sometimes, you know that?"

"Gee, no," muttered Hikaru sarcastically. "Sixteen years with this face, and I still hadn't realized that until you told me." He settled down next to her. "So tell me you have an idea."

"This isn't my style, Hikaru!" said Nadia. "I can't handle swallowing my righteous indignation. Just like you can't control your temper."

Hikaru's hand slapped his forehead in feigned amazement. "Remarkable! Your grasp of the situation is uncanny!"

Nadia clenched a fist. "Righteous indignation, Hikaru. Righteous indignation."

"I'll shut up," said Hikaru.

Nadia lowered her hand, and sighed. "You know, what we need—someone with the morals of a carp."

"Say what?"

"You know—one who completely lacks the moral fiber to feel any outrage," said Nadia quietly. "One who is adept at bowing before the whims of the powerful. A person who is completely at ease at appearing to cave in before others."

Hikaru began to glance down below. "Where's…?"

"At the panties vending machine," answered Nadia.

"I just love it when a plan comes together," said Hikaru. He stepped off the tower.

Down below, Miroku was sorting through his change. "Let's see—I'm 500 yen short…" He glanced across the street, at a blind man playing an accordion, a hat filled with coins before him.

"Miau," said Kilala.

"Oh, what would you know about what I'm going through? You're a cat and a girl on top of that!" said Miroku. He looked over at the blind man's money again.

"Please tell me you're not considering what I think you're considering," said Hikaru quietly.

Miroku looked nervously over his shoulder, and then mustered his best appearance of moral outrage. "Of course not! I do have some scruples!" He coughed politely. "I was merely filled with concern at him unfortunate plight."

Hikaru smiled slightly and patted his associate on the shoulder. "And that's just the sort of expertise in sleazy double-talk I need right now."

Miroku stared at him in surprise. "So you're not angry?"

"Appalled and disgusted, but not angry," confirmed Hikaru.

"Well, that's a load off my mind," noted the monk.

"Now, brace yourself," said Hikaru, spreading his hands, "levitation is exceedingly hard on the stomach."

Miroku blinked. "Couldn't you come up with a more—gentle method of transportation…"

"Yes, but I really don't see any reason to use one," said Hikaru.

Five seconds later, Miroku was clutching an iron pillar, trembling in absolute terror, and making certain that all of his bodily functions were still working. "Hey! Miroku's here!" came a familiar voice. Lum patted him forcefully on the back. "Great to see you, you old—whatever term of familiarity they bandy about when talking about individuals such as yourself!"

Miroku glanced over at the cheerfully oblivious Oni. "It's—good—to see you—as well—Lum…"

Lum slapped him on the back once. "So how are you?"

Miroku tried to keep his stomach contents his stomach contents. "Just—fine…"

"Well, that's good," said Lum with a nod. "Fine is a fine way to be." She was silent for a moment, then glanced at Miroku pointedly. "Ask me how I am."

"H-h-how-how…" began Miroku shutting his eyes, and trying to increase his grip.

"Well, I'm just terrific," said Lum. "Except for being slandered and betrayed by my Darling and that minx Kagome! That makes me so… mad!" The Oni stomped her foot on the tower's beam, which trembled slightly. "Oh, I wish something terrible would happen to them! That would show them!"

"W-well," said Miroku, "then today is your lucky day—something terrible is happening to them."

"What!" yelled Lum. "Something terrible happened to them! How terrible!"

Miroku blinked in surprise. "B-but you just said…"

Lum grabbed him by the robe, ripping him off the pillar, and stared at him pleadingly. "I know I said I wanted something terrible to happen to them, but when I said it I didn't think something terrible was going to them!" She yanked him forward and looked desperately in the eye. "Quick! What is the terrible thing that has happened? Details! I need details!"

"In the name of all that is holy, do not let me go!" screamed Miroku at the top of his voice.

Lum blinked. "What's wrong? The sizable height at which we are at would allow you ample time to use your power of flight if I were to release you."

"I… can't… fly, Lum," said Miroku, trying to keep his voice level.

Lum slapped her hand to her forehead. "Oh, that's right, you can't! Gosh, I'm such a ditz sometimes! Teeheeheeheeheehee-tcha! I'd fawget my widdle head if wawn't scwewed on tight, yes, I would!"

Miroku shut his eyes. "Lum, allow me to reiterate—do not let go of me. At least not with both hands simultaneously"

"Hey!" came a voice from below. "Would you people be quiet up there? I'm trying to brood here, and you're ruining it!"

The pair looked down to see an effeminate-looking young man in a grey school uniform glaring up at them. "Sorry," offered Miroku apologetically.

"I tell you, this spot used to be the finest brooding location in Tokyo, but these days, it's crowded with wannabes. Just the other day that Puni Puni Poemi brat was here lousing it up," continued the young man, angrily. "Can't you people leaving brooding to the experts? To individuals with dark destinies which will see the slaughter of friends, the death of old loves, and the potential death of the world?" He glared at them some more, then stalked off. "Well, screw this. I'm getting a fruit smoothie, and brooding at the mall. If Fuuma wants to settle our dark eternal rivalry, he can do it there…"

Miroku coughed. "Well—that was odd…"

Lum shrugged. "Ehh, that guy's been whining at me for hours now. It seems to be his hobby. Like Dr. Strange, only less amusing. I just tune it out, like I tune out everything that is clearly beneath my godlike interest."

Miroku shuddered. "Lum, I think the fabric's giving way. Could you PLEASE maybe float off of this tower, so we can talk from the safety of the ground?"

"Sure, sure," said Lum distractedly. "Now—what are the details of this terrible thing that is happening to Darling and Kagome?"

Miroku looked at Hikaru and Nadia beseechingly. "Guys…?"

"You're doing fine," answered Hikaru calmly. He glanced back at Nadia. "So like I was saying, if you don't like Confessions of a Mask, you don't really like Mishima…"

"Hey, I like The Sound of Waves," said Nadia.

"Oh, anybody can like that one!" he snapped. "To really appreciate Mishima you have to be willing to stick by him when things get ugly! When he tears off the comforting façade of existence to show us the darkness that lies in humanity's heart!"

Miroku looked back at Lum, and took a deep breath. "Well, you see, as Kilala tells it…"

"I really hate being tied up," sniffled Sota.

"There, there honey," said Mrs. Higurashi. "You're supposed to." She smiled at him. "Tell you what—after this is over, how about a big bowl of ice cream?"

"Yay!" said Sota. "Ice cream!"

"Hey, what about me?" asked Kagome's grandfather. "Doesn't your old man deserve some ice cream?"

"Sure!" said Mrs. Higurashi. "Ice cream for everybody!"

"Can I have some to, Mrs. Higurashi?" asked Hojo.

"No," she answered. "When I said everybody, I didn't mean you."

"Mom, would you guys stop acting so goofy?" whined Kagome. "It's kinda humiliating."

"Now, Kagome," said her mother. "a true superhero supports his or her family in times of trouble."

Tiger Shark looked at her father. "Is there a reason we aren't torturing these people yet?"

"It's bad form," replied the old man.

"My back hurts!" announced Kagome's grandfather. "Also, I'm bored!"

"Not that I am not sorely tempted," noted Tiger Shark's father.

"Maybe we can torture just one," suggested the Eel. "You know, as a demonstration."

"Hmmm," muttered the old man, rubbing his chin. "That's an idea with some merit. We could even get the Princess's location from them. I think we should check with the lady to see if she supports it." He glanced at Blackout. "Say Miss…"

"Why are you bothering me?" announced Ran.

"We were considering torturing one of the prisoners," he stated.

"Ah. Well, I don't care, so just knock yourselves out."

"Yes!" said the Eel, charging up his suit. "I call the old man!"

"Hey, me first!" shouted Tiger Shark, advancing.

"No, no, me!" said Hojo.

"Can I play?" came a quiet voice next to the furry supervillain.

"Well, sure—" began Mad Dog, glancing to the side.

"Thanks," said Dr. Strange. "Considerate of you."

Hojo leapt back, surprised. "How—how—"

"I'm magic," replied Hikaru calmly. "I radiate moonbeams, and mystical shadows. This sort of thing's my specialty." He raised his hand. "And since you said I can play with you guys, I'll start things."

The ropes restraining Kagome and her family untangled and slithered into the corner. "Kagome!" said her mother. "Why didn't you do that?"

"Because I couldn't," said Kagome quietly.

"Well, that's a poor excuse!" shouted her grandfather.

Tiger Shark glared at Hikaru. "Well, skinny, you may have gotten in a little razzle dazzle, but that's never won a fight."

Hikaru shrugged. "Maybe, but having allies who can punch through solid steel does, I've found."

At that moment, Nadia and Lum touched down nimbly on the ground before Hikaru, their arms raised. "Hey, everybody! I'm back!" said Lum cheerfully. "I know I don't have to ask if you missed me!" She grinned at Inu-Yasha. "Because you did!"

"Like the freakin' plague," said Inu-Yasha sullenly.

"Oh, that's so sweet!" she cooed.

Hikaru glanced confidently at the supervillains. "Also, I'm not skinny—I'm lithe."

Nadia glanced at him, and then snorted despite herself. "Yeah, right."

Hikaru glared at her. "Hey, I'll have you know I have muscles like steel wires."

"Well, you got the 'wire' part right," noted Nadia with a grin.

"You know, Princess," announced the old man, quietly, "I'm rather surprised to see you in this condition…"

Nadia stiffened and turned to look at the old man. "What did you call me?"

The old man twirled his cane around calmly. "Princess. I called you this because you are the Princess Nadia il'Karthon, unless my eyesight is even worse than I think it is…"

With one leap, the Sub-Mariner was rushing at him. "Damn you, you are going to give me answers right now or—"

The old man raised his cane, twirling it lightly, and fired a ball of orange energy at Nadia. She bounced backwards, striking the opposite wall, and moaned slightly.

"Nadia!" shouted Hikaru, rushing to her side. "Are you—do you feel all right?"
"M'fine," muttered Nadia groggily, shaking her head. "Jus' a little dizzy…"

"Please don't make me use that again," said the old man lightly. "I'd probably do it at full power, and I have it on good authority that would kill you."

Hikaru glared at him. "Okay, you're radiating the 'evil genius' in this equation, so you tell me who you are, and why you and your minions have made the horrible mistake of attacking my friends…"

The old man smiled. "You seem to be mistaking me for the barker of this little sideshow. I'm not. But to answer your question, I generally call myself these days Captain Omen, and as for the motives, some of us are pursuing revenge, but as for my little gang, we're pretty much mercenaries, with varying degrees of fanaticism for other causes backing our careers."

"Hey, I'm only in this for the money!" said the Eel. "I'm not the Imperial Japan fanatic you two are!"

"Hey, don't lump me in with him!" said Tiger Shark. "I'm only following his lead because I'm his daughter!"

"I can see the family resemblance," said Hikaru staring at the mutated villainess.

"Oh, she's into that silly genetic modification," said Captain Omen with an air of forbearance. "Still, it could be worse. She could be into that horrible piercing, or tattoo nonsense, like she was some cheap yakuza flunky…"

"You're a lucky man," said Hikaru dryly.

"Could be worse," said Captain Omen with a casual shrug.

"So if you're not the leader, who is?" noted Hikaru raising his hand."

"That'd be us," came a voice from the shadows. A form emerged from the darkness, and waved above, as a signal. A handsome male Oni landed before it. "Rei the Flying Tiger, and the force of living darkness called…"

"RAN!" cried Lum joyously. She rushed forward, and punch the pink-haired alien lightly in the arm. "Good to see you, old chum! I don't believe it! You came all this way to see me! And you brought a crack team of insane monsters for me to fight!" She sniffled. "You're such a true friend. This is even better then the time you sent me that insane brotherhood of criminal assassins!" She blinked. "And you brought Rei. Less great, but your call."

Ran rubbed her arm and glared at Lum. "Gee, thanks."

Nadia glanced at Captain Oni. "You know these two?"

Lum put her arm affectionately over Ran, who squirmed away. "Know 'em! Ran and I grew up together!" She looked at Rei, her expression slightly displeased. "And Rei was my idiot fiancé."

"Fiancé!" shouted Inu-Yasha. "You were engaged before?"

"Uh, yeah," said Lum. "But I kind of cooled on the whole notion when I realized Rei is dumber than a bag of non-Uru rocks. So, I challenged him to an epic fleet battle, wherein I decimated his forces, and so humiliated him, that Ten exiled him to the outskirts of the Empire."

"And that—ended the engagement?" asked Kagome, curiously.

"Eh, more indefinitely postponed it," said Lum with a casual wave of her hand. She smiled brightly at Inu-Yasha. "But then, I got engaged to you, Darling, and that took care of things."

Ran glared at her. "You're—engaged—to—him?"

"Yes, and don't worry, he's usually a lot better looking…"

Ran's eyes narrowed. "Let me put this another way—you proposed to Rei, then dumped him, got him exiled, and have now left him for another man."

Lum scratched her chin. "Hmn. When you put it that way, it does sound bad." She looked over at Rei. "Sorry about depriving you of the magnificence that is myself. No hard feelings, eh?"

Rei looked at her soulfully, opened his mouth, and pointed to it.

Lum nodded. "Somehow, I imagined that was going to be your response."

Ran screamed. "Damn it, you oblivious bitch! Don't you ever give a damn about anyone else?" She took a deep breath. "Oh, wait, of course you don't. You're far too self-absorbed to ever show the least bit of concern for the people you stepped on to get whatever shiny object caught your insipid fancy at the moment."

Lum frowned. "You know, I can't help but take those statements personally."

"You were supposed to!" seethed Ran.

"Oh," said Lum. "Well, I guess that makes sense then."

"Is it right to sympathize with the bad guy?" asked Nadia in sotto.

"Right now, I'm considering taking her out for some coffee cake," stated Hikaru.

Nadia crossed her arms, and shook her head. "Men."

"What? I was considering a platonic get-together!" said Hikaru in tones of mild offense.

Lum looked at Ran piteously. "I really have no idea what spoiled our beautiful friendship."

"How about a lifetime of betrayal?" shouted Ran. "A lifetime of suffering as the result of your deeds!"

Lum blinked. "Okay, you lost me."

Ran shuddered. "Think back, Lum. Remember when we were children…"

"Teeheeheehee-tcha! Of course I wemembaw that, silly!" giggled Lum. "How could I fawget?"

"Gosh, Lum, you're so beautiful," said Ran.

"And smart," added Benten.

"And kind, and modest," added Yuki.

"I know," giggled Lum. "I love you guys! Group hug!"

"And then we'd dance, and sing, and eat ice cream," babbled Lum energetically. "Boy, I love ice cream…"

"That's not quite how I remember things," muttered Ran resentfully.

"Oh? And what differences does your inferior half-breed brain summon up?" said Lum with indignation.

"Do you recall the incident with Emperor Han's glass egg collection?"

Lum's eyes glazed over. "Oh, yeah…"

"Hey, gang!" said Lum merrily. "Let's go play with my grampa's egg collection!"

"Neat!" said Benten.

"Cool!" said Yuki.

"I don't know, Lum," said Ran. "Isn't that forbidden to all but his exalted eyes?"

"Oh, Gramps won't mind! I'm his favorite! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Ran crossed her arms. "I still say it's a bad idea!"

"Aww, come on," said Lum, making puppy dog eyes at her friend. "Pwease, Wan! Pwetty, pwetty pweeeeeeaaaaassssse?"

Ran slapped her forehead in frustration. "Damn those puppy dog eyes!" She took a deep breath. "Okay. I'll go."

"Yippee!" cried Lum.

"—And then we went into the Egg room, and played, and danced, and sang, and had loads of fun!" said Lum merrily.

Ran stared at Lum, her face full of disgust. "I believe you're leaving an important part of the story out."

"Really?" asked Lum obliviously. "What?"

The Emperor stared at Lum and her friends from his throne, in wrathful silence. Tiny bolts of electricity shout from the corners of his eyes, occasionally. At length, he spoke. "The penalty for entering the holy chamber of my egg collection is a day of agony! The penalty for destroying an egg is four days of agony! The penalty for the destruction of my entire collection is indescribable, for it is—four days of agony—plus THREE!"

"That would be 'seven' days of agony, your magnificence," stated the shadowy figure behind the throne.

The Emperor turned. "Are you sure about that, Albrecht?"

The vizier nodded. "Quite, oh glorious one."

" 'Seven' days," stated the Emperor uncertainly, turning the phrase over to judge it. He didn't seem totally satisfied. "So then, as you four have done just that—Ran the Halfblood shall be sentenced to—seven days of agony, as she is the unimportant one who I can hurt with no fear of reprisal whatsoever." He turned. "Legato Bluesummers! Execute the Imperial will, and subject Ran to—seven days of agony!"

"With pleasure, my liege," drawled the effeminate young man clad in a white cloak, as he stepped out into the light.

"Are you certain 'seven days' is the correct phrasing?" the Emperor asked Albrecht nervously as the Imperial Executer of Penitence dragged Ran off.

"Yes, your Augustness," said the masked man, tiredly. "Quite certain."

"AAARGH! Why me!" screamed Ran. "Why is it always me?"

"Buh-bye, Wan!" said Lum adorably. "I'll bring you some cookies when this is done, 'kay?"

"Oh, yeah," said Lum, looking vaguely disturbed. "I do remember that now." She smiled brightly. "Still, it's silly to let our friendship be ruined by a single, isolated inci—"

"It wasn't a 'single, isolated incident'," stated Ran icily.

"For Princess Lum's burning of the Imperial stamp collection, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—four days of agony!"
"For Princess Lum's destruction of the palace's good dinnerware, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—two days of agony!"
"For Princess Lum's insulting of the Imperial hairpiece, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—five days of agony!"
"For Princess Lum's drinking of the Imperial brandy, and her vomiting on the Imperial table, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—three days of agony!"
"For Princess Lum's assaulting by pie of the Ovoid emissary, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—two days of agony!"
"For Princess Lum's killing of my most holy pet, Flufferkins, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—noon days of agony!"

"Nine days, resplendent one," muttered Albrecht.

"And then an additional nine days of agony," added the Emperor.

"For defeating the Princess Lum in the Imperial Spelling Bee, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—the Imperial Medal for Scholastic Excellence! And then, five days of agony."
Lum nodded. "All right, I acknowledge there was a disturbing trend towards your getting days of agony, but I think you're being a bit harsh in blaming me for it."

Ran ground her teeth together. "You would." She took a deep breath. "Does the fact that I was only punished for things that you did, because I was your friend, mean anything?"

"Well, yeah, but since you were a lowly, disgusting halfblood, you probably would be dead right now if I hadn't chosen to raise you up, lying cold and still in a ditch somewhere, with nothing covering you but your own vomit and filth." Lum smiled at her. "Anyway, that's all behind us now. We can look back at our childhood follies and laugh. Teeheehee—hee…" began Lum, only to stop midchortle. She blinked. "Ummm, Ran, why have your eyes become deep pools of utter blackness from which no light can escape?"

"Aren't you forgetting something else?" seethed Ran.

"Umm—given the way your acting, I'm going to say 'yes', but I honestly have no idea what," said Lum, with growing concern in her voice.

"My exile," muttered Ran.

"Oh, that!" said Lum. "Well, Ran, I kinda thought that was because you stole that ship. And blew up those planets. And killed those people. Not that I'm denying the punishment might have been a tad harsh, but I just don't see how I was involv—"

"Because I did it to join the man I love in exile! The man you stole from me, and then casually tossed away! Rei!" screamed Ran, gesturing furiously.

"Ah," said Lum. "Actually, that explains a lot." She coughed. "Look, Ran, if he makes you happy, that's your business, but—well, I know he looks good, but—well, I don't see how he's worth, you know, committing cosmos-level crimes for. I mean, it's not like there's a lot behind the looks…"

"You speak of what you know nothing of!" shouted Ran. "My lord Rei loves me with a passion that eclipses the light of a thousand stars!"

Lum nodded. "I kind of doubt that, Ran. Rei's really not capable of that sort of commitment. In fact, he's really not capable of any sort of higher thought whatsoever. The man is the most profound imbecile I've ever met—and I've been to Planet Popup."

Ran crossed her arms peevishly. "Oh, you simply fail to understand the magni—" She darted forward and slapped Rei on the back of the head. "Rei! Get that dirt out of your mouth this very instant! You don't know where it's been!"

Mad Dog coughed. "Umm, Miss Blackout—I was wondering if the rest of us could—get on with things…"

Ran and Lum turned. Captain Omen was aiming his plasma cane at Nadia, who glared at him, her fist raised. Mad Dog and Tiger Shark were poised to attack, as Inu-Yasha and Kagome inched back. Dr. Strange was tracing mystical symbols in the air, as the Eel's suit sparked, and the Devil Slayer twirled his staff. Ran frowned. "No you may not. I'm still talking with Captan Oni. Now, if you don't mind, we're getting back to our fascinating conversation." She glanced at Lum, shaking her head. "Some people, huh?"

Lum nodded. "Oh, I know. You wouldn't believe the guff I get from my genetic inferiors here sometimes…"

Hikaru gave an exasperated sigh. "Ladies, I have to admit, this is a fascinating conversation, but frankly, I'm rather impatient, so I'm cutting it short. Ashura Daeva Malek!" A great blaze of energy leapt from his hands, rushing towards his foes.

"Hey!" shouted Ran. "No sucker punches!" She launched forth a perfectly black sphere from her hands. The shimmering bolt of energy veered toward the dark globe, vanishing utterly into its recesses. Ran frowned at Hikaru. "First time gets you a warning. Second time—you die."

"Whoa!" said Lum. "When did you learn to do that?"

Ran shrugged. "I sorta fell in with the Church of Nihilism during my exile. They admired my firm belief that the universe could benefit by subtracting a few people, and opened my eyes to the fact that it could benefit even more by ceasing to exist. I wound up on the faith's fast track, and soon was taught all the secrets of destruction, darkness and entropy."

"Cool!" said Lum cheerfully.

"I know!" laughed Ran. "I rock now! I've even got a kickass nickname—Blackout!"

"Well, I'm happy you've improved your life," noted Lum admiringly.

"Yep," said Ran. "Got amazing new powers, and I'm going to kill you with them."

Lum blinked. "Okay, I am significantly less happy about that last part." She raised her fist, a flare of cosmic energy surrounding it. "So, how about I kick your butt, move on to the rest of the clowns you've gathered around you, and we call it a day, okay?"

"Go on and try," taunted Ran, her smile growing cocky.

Lum struck at her, only to have Ran effortlessly grab her fist and hold it. The aura flickered out, slowly vanishing. "Why, Captain Oni," said Ran, with a note of sickening sweetness, "are you getting senile?" She giggled. "I told you I've mastered the techniques of entropy and darkness. What you produce—I absorb." Lum's face took on a drained appearance, her skin growing pale, her cheeks hollow and gaunt. "What you possess—I take." She suddenly pitched Lum forward like an empty sack. The Oni bounced into a tree, and shuddered slightly. Ran snickered. "And what I take—I use!" She knelt, then burst into a sprint. "And so, Lum Oni, you die by your own power!"

Lum shut her eyes. "Well, at least I go out beautiful."

"I'm going to enjoy smashing your face to a pulp, and reducing your body into hamburger!" shouted Ran.

Lum groaned. "This is really an off day."

Suddenly, Ran was hurled back as if flung by an invisible hand.

Lum blinked. "Okay—that seems familiar…" She looked to the side.

Hikaru stood there, with his arm raised. "You're welcome," he said quietly.

"You know, Dr. Strange," began Lum with an awkward cough, "this is just an impression I've gotten, so I've been careful not to comment on it, because, you know, it might not help things, but I sort of—kind of thought you really didn't like me very much."

"I don't," answered Hikaru. "But I don't like a lot of people, so I have to prioritize my dislikes. I've come to consider you slightly better than her. She's a vindictive bitch. You're just an egotistical ditz."

"Well, thanks," said Lum brightly. "I'm glad my obvious superiority has been made manifest to you."

Hikaru pointed a finger on which a bluish flame danced at Lum. "Don't push your luck."

Ran got herself up, and brushed off the dust. "Okay, Ex-cutioners! Attack!"

Nadia blinked. "Ex-cutioners?"

"That's our name," explained Ran. "It's a pun. See, I'm Lum's ex-best friend, Rei's her ex-fiance, Mad Dog's Kagome's ex-boyfriend…"

"He WAS NEVER MY BOYFRIEND!" shouted Kagome.

"Darn it, Kagome, did my orthopedic shoes mean nothing to you?" cried Hojo plaintively. "Nothing?"

"Uh, yeah, pretty much," said Kagome awkwardly.

Mad Dog sighed. "Well, that tears it, Kagome. I'm going to have to rip your body into shreds with my claws. You have my deepest apologies."

There was silence for a moment. "You know, there's one thing I like about this business," said Hikaru. "It affords me plentiful opportunities to meet individuals crazier than myself." He sighed. "Of course, while that works wonders on my self-esteem, the fact that I'm meeting them without any restraints is a minus…" He glanced at Ran. "How do Captain Crutch and his cronies fit your little motif, may I ask?"

Ran shrugged. "Ehh, they have some vague connection to the Sub-Mariner. Besides that, I really don't know. Didn't seem too important." She glanced at her associates. "Now—REALLY ATTACK THEM! RIGHT NOW!"

Hojo snarled as charged forward. "You don't have to ask me twice!"

"Actually, Mad Dog, she sorta did," noted the Eel.

"Please don't contradict me, Eel," said Hojo. "It's so rude…"

Inu-Yasha glanced at Kagome. "You could do somethin'…"

"No arrows," she muttered.

Miroku leapt in front of them. "I'll hold them off!" he announced.

"You!" laughed Tiger Shark. "You're a joke!" She rushed forward to strike him. Miroku deftly sidestepped her, and then struck her on the back with his staff.

"Maybe," said Miroku, "but right now, I'm the one who feels like laughing." He pivoted on his feet, and struck Mad Dog in the chest. A buzzing noise began behind him. Miroku turned.

"Very good, Devil-Slayer," announced the Eel, "but even you are no match for the might of—the Electric Eel!" Suddenly, a deluge of water poured down him. The Eel gave a sudden scream as his suit shorted out, then collapsed to the ground.

Miroku turned to look at Hikaru. "Thank you."

Hikaru nodded. "Don't mention it."

Inu-Yasha glanced at Kagome. "Go get yer stuff. I'll cover ya." Kagome nodded and darted away.

"Hey! Wait!" cried Hojo. "I'm supposed to be killing you right now!"

Inu-Yasha leapt into his path, and punched him in the jaw. "Yer not killin' anybody right now, ya cheap wannabe!"

Hojo rubbed his mouth. "You shouldn't have done that. I'm going to have make your death even more unpleasant than I had originally planned."

Inu-Yasha smiled grimly. "Bring it on."

Nadia rushed forward, closing in on her adversary. "All right, Captain, I want answers, and don't think I'll fall the same trick twice." She grabbed Captain Omen's cane, yanking it out of the old man's hands.

The staff began to glow a bright red. Nadia screamed and dropped it, then fell back, wincing. Captain Omen smiled, as he picked up his cane. "Well, then, I'm glad I have so many tricks…" He stood up arrogantly. "Listen, Lady Nadia—I know the truth. I know that the past has been shut to you—that your mind catches only faint glimpses of what you were before you became a nervous wreck wandering the streets of Tokyo." He smiled. "I know how it happened to you. And if you want to learn the truth—then you must come with me."

Nadia glared at him. "Then why the attack? Why side with my enemies?"

"The only way to get close to you," answered Captain Omen. "You've surrounded yourself with some rather dangerous people, Princess." He reached forward. "Now if you want answers, simply take my hand."

Nadia scowled as she did just that. "The blazes take you," she muttered softly.

Captain Omen nodded, his expression satisfied. "Atragon—teleportation sequence Rho-Alpha-Gamma." Nadia blinked in shock as light engulfed them and they dissolved into a shower of sparks.

"Damn," said Hikaru. "Did you see that?"

Miroku shook his head, as he jumped kick Tiger Shark in the face. "Sorry. I was preoccupied."

"Nadia just got kidnapped," he explained.

"Less talking about things that aren't me…" groaned Lum, quietly.

"Prepare to die, Lum!" shouted Ran, launching a sizzling line of black energy at her enemies.

Hikaru chanted a mystical barrier into existence, then glanced at Lum. "I'll give her this much—what she lacks in innovation, she makes up for in persistence."

"Oh, screw this!" muttered Tiger Shark. "Atragon—teleportation sequence Kappa-Delta-Alpha!" Within seconds she had vanished like her father before her.

"Well—that was interesting," noted Miroku, puzzled.

Inu-Yasha had to admit, he was in trouble here. While he was still in human form (a fact that disturbed him more than he let on), he was still counting

Unfortunately, while Hojo was a polite, fastidious individual who seemed to be badly out of place as a supervillain, when the fighting began—well, you saw another side to him.

"You know, I have to be honest with you," explained Hojo, as he kicked the half-demon in the stomach. "I blame you for my present condition." He lashed out with his claws. "I mean, if Kagome had never fallen under your pernicious influence, I would have gotten her, and we'd all be a lot more happy!"

Inu-Yasha wiped the blood off the side of his face. "Ya know, I kinda doubt that."

"You would!" yelled Hojo. "Your jealous mind can't conceive I've finally beaten you! I have become your better! You are nothing before me!" He grabbed Inu-Yasha by the lapels and threw him into a tree. "And I will DESTROY YOU!" Inu-Yasha shuddered lightly on the ground. Hojo coughed awkwardly. "Umm, sorry about that. Got a bit carried away. Didn't mean to insult you like that. I'm sure you're a perfectly excellent individual—I'm just a tad better is all. I just wanted to right the scales before I killed you in the most horrible manner I can imagine…" He blinked. "Umm, why is your hair white all of the sudden?"

Inu-Yasha turned, his fangs gleaming. "Because yer about to get yer ass kicked."

Hojo laughed. "Oh, I doubt that, Inu-Yasha. This is the struggle I was hoping for. An epic battle of dog-man-hybrid versus dog-man-hybri—OWWW!" Hojo glanced over at the arrow imbedded in his arm, then at Kagome, now holding her bow and arrow. "Kagome—you—I know you—prefer him—but—I thought you at least—" The arrow dissolved into a misty substance. Hojo blinked then passed out.

Inu-Yasha glanced at her. There was silence for a moment. "You know," he said at length, "I coulda taken him."

Kagome sighed. "There is just no pleasing you is there?"

"You really shouldn't have left so soon, dear—you know how much energy teleports eat up…"

"I—ow—didn't have much choice, Dad. He was kicking my ass. I thought you said he was a third wheel!"

"I'm not always right, dear. Just usually. Well, anyway, to the good—we got the target. That's a fee collected."

Nadia glanced at Captain Omen and the battered Tiger Shark, who were fiddling with the various settings of their high-tech submarine's command center. "Let's see—referring to me as if I were an object, not a person—mentioning a fee—and, oh, yes, attaching me to the wall with restraints." She looked demurely away. "I'm not getting any answers from you, am I?"

"Oh, eventually," answered Captain Omen. "In an indirect fashion. We will be taking you to someone who will provide them."

Nadia frowned. "This 'someone' isn't a particularly good person, is he?"

" 'Good' and 'evil' are such loaded terms," noted Captain Omen. "So often those who dare greatness are deemed wicked, while those who placidly allow wickedness to wash over them are called good."

"Pretty words," snarled Nadia.

"They should be," said Captain Omen quietly. "You said them." Nadia stared at him in shock. "When I heard those words, I said to myself, 'there's a girl who will go far in this world'," he noted. "And you did. Actually, I'm rather surprised to find you like this—living as a beggar with these cut-rate champions of justice—involved with an ugly, little man, and his ugly, little life…"

"Doctor Strange isn't that ugly," muttered Nadia. "And compared to you, he's a giant." She glanced away bitterly. "Also, we aren't involved."

"Ahhh," said Captain Omen. "You have my sympathies. On more than one level."

"Just shut up," muttered Nadia.

Ran watched the unfolding battle in horror. "Impossible! My Ex-Cutioners! Defeated! Like a pack of—something or others!" She snapped her fingers. "Damn! I've got to get a better thesaurus. My metaphors need punching up." She glanced back at the heroes. "No! It doesn't end like this!" Ran's eye began to twitch slightly. "Blackout may be down, but she is not defeated! Like the swinging of a pendulum, this battle shall once more turn towards my favor! Hah! An excellent turn of phrase! I'm definitely getting a feel for this!" She turned to Rei. "Flying Tiger! Battle now!" Rei pointed to his mouth. "Afterwards! First, kill Lum! You remember Lum, right?" Rei stared at her uncomprehendingly. Ran sighed, and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a large container of meatballs. "See snacks?"

Rei nodded dully, his eyes fixed on the meatballs.

Ran pointed at Lum. "Kill Lum! Then get snacks! Understand?"

Rei, with a look of dawning comprehension, nodded, and then began to rush forward.

"Uh oh," muttered Lum, rising to her feet. "Rei's doing something."

"That's bad?" noted Hikaru.

"Well, when he actually can be motivated to fight, he is a powerful, and virtual unstoppable warrior," noted Lum. "He's nearly invulnerable. Which is really good for him, because otherwise, he'd be dead by now."

"So him fighting us is pretty bad?" noted Hikaru.

"Yep."

"Figures."

Kagome and Inu-Yasha rushed forward. "Dr. Strange! Don't worry! We'll help! We'll—"

Suddenly, there was a low growl. As the heroes watched, Kilala, now the size of lion leapt forward, and tackled the charging Oni knocking him backwards. Miroku blinked and snapped his fingers. "I forgot she could to do that…"

Inu-Yasha nodded. "Me too…"

Hikaru coughed. "Kagome—"

"Yeah?"

"You're taking that damned cat out on patrols from now on."

"Okay." She coughed. "Look—Hikaru, if you need to save Nadia, we can take care of Black—"

"No, this is my job," said Lum suddenly. "She's come here to deal with me. I'm giving her that chance." She stood up straight and tall. "It's the Oni thing to do." The others looked at her uneasily, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Why are you guys staring at me like that?" she noted uneasily.

"We're waiting for you to say somethin' stupid," blurted out Kagome.

Lum stared at her, puzzled. "Why would I do that?"

"We really don't know," said Hikaru. "But—good luck, Lum."

"Likewise," said the Oni.

He walked off a ways, then picked up something on the ground, then vanished. Kagome turned to Lum. "Look, Lum, if you need help—"

Lum raised her hand. "Like I said, Kagome. This is my fight. I'll handle it." She leapt forward, and began soaring towards her opponent. "Well, Ran, I admit you caught me off-guard, but now you face the full power of Captain Oni!" She unleashed a series of potent blasts at her sworn enemy.

"Ha!" snorted Ran. "Have you learnt nothing?" She created another black bolt that absorbed several of the blasts. "Your blasts can do nothing to me! No—"

At that moment, one of the blasts, which had been let out at a different angle then the others, struck her. It was followed by several others. Ran winced as she bounced back. "Hey! No fair! You're doing things I didn't expect you to do!"

"That's called 'strategy'!" explained Lum cheerfully. "Well, some people call it that! I call it Lum Oni's Super-Duper-Planning-Thing! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

"Kraken One is sending us the rendezvous point coordinates, Dad," said Tiger Shark.

"Excellent," said Captain Omen, siting back in his command chair. "Bring us back to the Atragon-Prime." He breathed a deep, cheerful breath. "I've been away too long this time."

"Why are you doing this?" asked Nadia commandingly.

"For my payment," answered the Captain. "We've covered this."

"But what exactly is your payment?" asked Nadia.

A smile came over the old man's face. "Ahh. A probing mind. You have definitely fulfilled at least some of my hopes for you, Princess." He stood up, and walked over to a monitor. He stared at the image of Tokyo revealed in it, hungrily. "Tell me, Lady Il'Karthon, what do you think of Japan so far?"

"It seemed a nation, like most others of this world," said Nadia. "A land with strengths and weaknesses, good and evil." She frowned. "A rather excessive amount of pay machines, I have to admit."

Captain Omen sighed. "You see my problem then. It is a nation like any other. A land that should tower over all others, supreme Lord of the East, is a parody of its former self. How… loathsome." He shuddered briefly. "There was a time when it was not so. A time when my nation stood poised for true greatness! Korea—Manchuria—the Philippines—they were all ours. China and Southeast Asia would have followed! We would have stood undisputed masters of half the world!"

"And all you'd have to do was coddle up to mass murderers," noted Nadia the disgust rising in her voice. "But then, you were no slouches in that department yourselves, in those days…"

Captain Omen turned on her furious. "You're spouting the lies of your little cloaked friend. How anyone of Japanese blood could spout such slanderous dribble…"

"Father! There's been a disturbance in Sector 12!" shouted Tiger Shark. "Security is down—30!" She blinked. "Wait, no—40… 50… 70… 90…"

Nadia smiled at the captain. "It looks like you're about to get a chance to ask him. I recommend being polite. He tends not to respond to rudeness very well."

Hikaru burst through the metal doors, breathing as if he'd just jogged a marathon. "Ass. Bubblegum. All out of," he shot out, wiping his forehead with his sleeve.

Tiger Shark stared at him. "How did you—?"

Hikaru brought a tooth out of his pocket, and threw it at her. "You dropped this. I came to return it."

Captain Omen nodded. "Very good, Dr. Strange. Even if I disagree with your politics, I have to admire your base cunning." He smiled. "However, I also know how much teleportation takes out of you. And you just tore through Atragon X's primary defense systems. That can't have been easy for you…"

He pulled a lever. Several lasers popped out of the chamber's walls, and centered on Hikaru. "Oh, crap…" muttered the sorcerer as they fired.

Captain Omen grinned as he watched the beams beat against Hikaru's hastily erected force field. "So, I'm asking—how long can you keep my laser's from skewering you?" He chuckled lightly, then blinked in shock at the sudden rending sound.

"The answer is 'long enough'," said Nadia calmly, as she grabbed the lever and tore it loose off the wall. The lasers dimmed, then stopped. Hikaru took a deep breath, then fell to the floor.

Captain Omen stared at his former prisoner, backing away slowly. "But—you couldn't have—those restraints were strong enough to hold you…"

"If you believe that Captain, you simply do not comprehend the might of Sub-Mariner." Nadia smiled at him calmly, her arms crossed. "Also, tell your daughter that I'm fully aware she's behind me, and suggest to her that she avoid her planned 'sneak attack'."

Tiger Shark snarled. "You leave my father alone."

"Oh, I'm only going to beat him within an inch of his life unless he talks," explained Nadia icily. "Nothing too severe."

Tiger Shark let out a low snarl, and leapt at the Sub-Mariner.

Nadia sent her toppling into a particularly intricate-looking bit of machinery with a backhanded slap. "Daughter!" cried Captain Omen, rushing to her side.

"Be happy I pulled my punch," said Nadia. "I see value in even a life as twisted as hers."

Captain Omen scowled at her as he took his fallen child in his arms. "This isn't over, Princess Nadia. The hands of Lemuria are long, and I am only one of them." He struck a button on his coat. "Atragon—Emergency Teleport—Delta—Epsilon—Unicron!" Within seconds father and daughter had vanished.

Nadia walked over to Hikaru, who was still lying on the ground, then coughed. "So—hey…"

"Hey…" said Hikaru weakly. "Sorry I didn't do more…"

Nadia smiled. "You did just what I needed. All the power they put into trying to stop you is what allowed me to break free." She looked away. "Actually, I'm—amazed you followed me here all by yourself, with no real idea what you were facing."

"I couldn't leave you," replied Hikaru with a weak shrug. "You know I have—a great deal of respect for you."

Nadia smiled gently. "Likewise."

"Well, now that my daring rescue attempt has gone off, could you carry me out of here?" asked Hikaru softly. "I think the whole place is going to explode soon, and I still haven't regained feeling in my legs."

Nadia picked up the weakened magician, chuckling to herself. "You sure know how to sweep a girl off her feet, Hikaru."

"Damn straight," muttered the sorcerer. "I just have never managed to work up sufficient leverage."

The forms of Lum Oni and Blackout clashed, their energy's striking against each other.

"Die, Captain Oni!" shouted Ran, launching numerous undulating bolts of darkness at her hated foe.

"Never!" cried Lum. " 'Dying' is a word not really in the vocabulary of Captain Oni!" She blinked. "Well, all right it is I suppose, because otherwise I wouldn't have said it—but you know what I mean. It's not a word I have a lot use for. At least as regards me. Other people, though—them I can use it for. And often have. But for me personally—"

"Would you JUST SHUT UP!" screamed her opponent plunging forward with all of her power. Lum toppled backwards, and landed on the ground with a colossal thud. Ran summoned a blade of pure darkness and leveled it at the Oni's head. "Always, as long as I knew you, it was the talking, and the talking, and the talking! Well, I'm ending it! After this, Lum, you're never going to talk again! Or do much of anything else for that matter!"

"Hey, how come it's okay for you to talk like that?" asked Lum, curious.

"Because I'm about to kill you!" Ran cackled sinisterly. "Now, prepare to die!"

Lum whimpered and looked up at Ran with puppy dog eyes.

"Don't do that!" snapped Ran.

Lum continued to do that.

"Stop it! I mean it!" Ran bit her lip as the memories came…

"Half-blood! Half-blood! Dirty little half-blood!" cried the Oni children, flinging pebbles at Ran. She hit the ground weeping. Suddenly, there was a flare of light. Ran blinked with the realization that pebbles were no longer striking her. She looked up to see Lum standing before her.

"Hey, you leave Ran alone!" yelled Lum confidently. "She's my friend, and I won't let her get picked on, even if she is a half-blood!" She glanced at Ran. "Do you need help getting up?"

Ran nodded, and took Lum's hand.

Ran clutched her stomach, as it growled. "You hungry?" asked Lum.

"Umm… well…" stammered Ran.

"Servants!" shouted Lum. "More food for my friend Ran!"

"Here's those cookies I promised!" shouted Lum cheerily.

Ran lay on the ground, a quivering mass of nerves. "Is—is it over?"

"Yep!" said Lum. "Five days of agony! You must have better stamina than you think!"

Ran blinked. "I thought it was seven days…"

Lum shrugged. "It kinda was. I pulled some strings to get you out early." She smiled at Ran. "Like I said, I'm Grampa's favorite."

"Th-thank you," whimpered Ran.

"Hey, don't mention it," said Lum casually. "Lum Oni sticks by her friends! Teeheeheehee-tcha!"

Ran glanced away, pained. "Damn, those—puppy dog eyes…"

Lum immediately leapt to her feet, and gave Ran a terrific uppercut to the jaw. As Ran toppled to the side, Lum shook her head, and then looked at Blackout levelly. "Knew that would work. You may be crazy, and vicious and filled with murderous rage, but you're not very devious."

"You—tricked me!" said Ran, full of resentment.

"Umm, yeah. That's what I pretty much just said," noted Lum. She shrugged and charged up a blast of cosmic energy. "Now, I could just kill you just now, but the people I'm staying with have some silly qualm about that sort of behavior, and anyway—you're a friend, so I'll tell you what's going to happen—you're going to leave, and not come back."

Ran stared at her disbelieving. "That's it? That's how you're ending things?"

"Well, Ran, I know you. You're a coward. I've beaten the tar out of you, and now you're going to crawl away like the pathetic worm you are." Lum smiled at her.

"Well—well," stuttered Ran awkwardly. "We'll just see about that! I—I'll be back! And next time—I'll be tougher! And I'll beat you! Just wait and see!" Ran brushed herself off, and slunk away. "Rei! Come here NOW! We're going!" As her partner bounded out of the bushes after her, Kilala snarling after him, Ran glared at Lum. "So just remember—I'll be back. It's like they say—venge—vengeance is a dish best served cold!" She sniffled, and then flew off, with Rei in tow.

Lum blinked, watching her. "Wow. That was actually kinda pathetic, in retrospect."

"—And I can set up so many protective spells on your place that it will survive anything up to a nuclear attack," explained Hikaru.

"Nice to know," said Inu-Yasha. The group was meeting back at the Café Nadesico, after Hikaru and Nadia had called them there, after first finding themselves in Tokyo Harbor, and trying to get their bearings.

"And if you're worried about a nuclear attack, I can create a subdimension in your basement. Just to be on the safe side."

"We'll be fine," said Kagome cheerfully. "Honestly, you're worrying too much."

"I just don't like getting blindsided," noted Hikaru levelly.

Nadia smiled. "So that's why we don't get along. I'm always blindsiding you."

Hikaru glanced at her, somewhat amused. "I've learnt to enjoy the unpredictability you bring to my life."

"You battle demons for a living, Hikaru," said Nadia. "Anything additions I make are negligible."

"I think you're confusing our situation with your outfit," replied Hikaru. He glanced at Miroku. "So, tell me this again—how did the Eel get away?"

Miroku coughed awkwardly. "I think he walked. I don't know. I wasn't watching him."

Hikaru nodded. "Which means that the only one of these psychos that we've locked away is Mad Dog."

Kagome nodded grimly. "I hope Hojo doesn't reveal my secret identity to anyone else."

"I wouldn't worry too much," said Nadia. "Somehow I don't think the words of a lunatic who's into illegal genetic modification will carry much weight with most people."

"Plus I put him under a compulsion," noted Hikaru. "Any attempt to tell folks and he winds up singing the score of 'Oklahoma'. I figure that should cut down his life in prison exponentially until he wises up." Lum gave a deep sigh. Hikaru turned to look at her. "What's wrong? You haven't made a single comment on Oni superiority for upwards of two hours, and I suddenly find myself inflicted with a sudden case of 'giving a damn'."

"Oh, sorry, Doc Strange," said Lum. "I guess I'm just a teensy-weensy, iddy-biddy, smallsy-wallsy bit depwessed." She shook her head. "Ran was the best friend I ever had, and now she's a homicidal maniac who passionately seeks my death." She looked glanced at her glass of hot chocolate plaintively. "I just feel a tad—responsible for it, somehow. As if I failed her somehow." She took a deep gulp of her drink then set it down, nervously. "Which is, of course, impossible, because I am Captain Lum Oni, and all I say and do is as a result of this, perfect and correct. I keep telling myself this, the message of all my childhood tutors, and friends. But still—the feeling's there. And it won't go away."

Hikaru looked at the glum Oni awkwardly, then coughed. "Lum—I know I've said things about you're not really being one of us, but—" He glanced away. "You're one of us."

Lum glanced up at him. "Really?" Hikaru nodded. A smile broke out on Lum's face. "Teeheeheehee-tcha! That's great!"

"I'm glad—" began Hikaru.

"I had no idea what sentimental fools you primitive ape-descendents were!" continued Lum blithely. "This'll make my future conquest a snap!"

Hikaru buried his face in his hands. "Well, cheer up," said Nadia surreptitiously. "At least you picked the lesser of two evils."

Hikaru glanced at her direly. "But do we know that for sure? Are we certain?"

Haruna placed the bill on the table. "Here you go. Pay as soon as possible."

"Haruna," said Nadia bluntly, "that was the worst chai I've ever had."

"Pfft—you're exaggerating," said Haruna.

"If I am, it's only because it arguably wasn't chai at all—just tea with a pinch of cinnamon stirred in."

Haruna crossed her arms triumphantly. "Well, honey, you better accept it, because we are once again the only game in this part of town." She chuckled. "That Starbucks is out of business. Health code violations."

"What happened?" asked Kagome, curiously.

"They had rats," replied Haruna casually. "A lot of them. Giant Sumatra rats, actually. Very nasty. The fines were so heavy, the manager decided to just cut his losses."

With the exception of Lum, everyone at the table's glanced at Hikaru. "Imagine that," said Nadia.

"Hey, I'm happy," said the waitress. "Job security. Plus, they got rid of that damn karoake machine."

"What happened to it?" asked Kagome concerned.

"Sold," answered Haruna. "Some guy talked to the manager a few hours ago, and bought the whole thing from him. Gave a good price for it, too." She shrugged as she walked on to the next table. "Why I have no idea, but hey, I don't really have cash to burn…"

There was a long awkward silence as the group stared at Hikaru. Finally, Nadia leaned forward. "I don't believe you," she said in disgusted tones.

"I confess my actions with pride, and let it be known that I would do them again! It had to be done," replied Hikaru stoically. "A line had to be drawn. Some things must be protected!" He crossed his arms.

"Like lousy cafes?" asked Nadia, her voice rising.

"There were principles involved!" shouted Hikaru.

"What principles?" said Nadia angrily. "You put a perfectly good coffee shop out of business, because you got sick of hearing karaoke at a lousy coffee shop!"

"Principles!" declared Hikaru.

"It's nice to see everything get back to normal," said Kagome quietly.

"Agreed," said Lum. "Kagome—encountering Ran has shown me one thing—I must not allow our friendship to be spoiled by a man. I hereby forgive you for your interest in Darling, and give you full permission to futilely try and win him away from me!"

Kagome stared at Lum coldly. "We're not friends, Lum. And you're the deluded one."

"Teeheeheehee-tcha! That's what I like about you, Kagome! You always make me laugh!"

Kagome rolled her eyes. Perhaps things going back to normal was not as ideal a state as she'd felt a few minutes earlier.

Man-Killer craned her neck awkwardly. "This collar itches like crazy," she said in a sotto voice.

Machinesmith looked at her placidly. "That's too bad." She turned away from her teammate. "Now, don't scratch at it. It's the only thing keeping you alive now." She frowned slightly. "That heightened metabolism of yours was killing you, you know."

"Well, I didn't feel it," complained Man-Killer. "But I do feel this collar…"

Machinesmith stopped in front of a door, and checked its number before knocking on it. "That harness is the only thing regulating your body's functions at the moment. If it were to be turned off, or damaged, your death would be slow, and painful."

"Umm, really?" asked Man-Killer, looking around the hallway nervously.

"Yes," said Machinesmith, as the door opened.

"—show her! Next time!" muttered Ran fiercely as she opened the door. She glanced behind her at Rei. "And get that out of your mouth!" She looked at her visitors.

"Hello, Miss Blackout," said Machinesmith silkily. "I was wondering if I could interest you in joining a group of like-minded individuals under the direction of a dynamic leader?"

Ran glanced at Rei accusingly. "I told you not to look at the pamphlet." She turned back, and smiled at them. "I'm sorry, but I thought I'd made my wishes clear on this matter—neither Lord Rei or myself are interested in joining the Unification Church…"

"Umm, we're not Moonies," said Man-Killer, confused. "We're the Masters of Evil."

Ran stared at them a moment. "I see." She opened the door. "Well, in that case, come right in. Bound to be an improvement." And with that, the pair entered the hotel room.

"—And that's how the matter stands, sir," explained Captain Omen.

"I see," said his employer softly. After a moment's thought, he stated, "In that case, it would be best to keep your distance for the time being. If we are too forceful, we risk alienating the Princess—and that we can ill afford. Let her be. Eventually, she will come to us. She will have to…"

Captain Omen nodded. "As you say, sir." He coughed hopefully. "And our bargain?"

His employer laughed. "Relax, Jinguyo. You will live to see an Imperial Japan once again. The Neo-Atlantean Regime-in-Exile will make sure of it."

Captain Omen bowed. "Thank you, Lord Krang. You are a man of honor."

Krang's image frowned. "Don't insult me, Jinguyo. I'm an Atlantean, not a man."

"Okay, up—up…" muttered Kagome as she and Lum pushed Inu-Yasha into bed. She wiped her forehead. The half-demon had dozed off in the café, and had to be carried home. "Boy, he's been sleeping a lot," she noted in concern.

"But he's so cute like this," cooed Lum. "A drooling, snoring hunk of pure machismo."

Kagome blinked. "Umm—sure…" She shook her head. "I do wish we knew what he was dreaming about."

"Probably chasing mice," said Lum.

"That'd be a cat, Lum," muttered Kagome peevishly.

"Ehh, the point still stands—something he likes."

"So, honey, how'd you sleep last night," said Kikyo, as she set the food before him.

"Pretty good," said Inu-Yasha. " 'Cept I had those dreams again."

"What were they about?" asked Kikyo, interested.

Inu-Yasha shrugged. "Ehh, it doesn't matter. Truth is, they don't make any sense."

Kikyo chuckled. "My poor, befuddled husband," she said, kissing him on the forehead. She headed to the window. "Sango! Korata! Breakfast!"

As their children headed in, Inu-Yasha smiled at his wife. "I love ya, Kikyo."

Kikyo smiled back at him. "I love you too, dear. And please—call me 'sugar dumpling'."

-Next Chapter-

KIKYO: "I dreamed you paid your dues in Canada—left me to come through—I headed there right away—I knew exactly what to do—I dreamed we were playing cards in the dark, and you lost, and you lied—wasn't very hard to do, but it hurt me deep down inside… Mmmm, these dreams of you, so real and so true—these dreams of you—so real and so true…"

NADIA: Next chapter, "These Dreams of You".

HIKARU: Well, we actually got it done with some dignity this time.

MIROKU: Darn it. And I ordered a gross of banana custard pies…

-Author Notes-

My apologies for what's been the longest delay between chapters SO FAR. (Yes, I may top myself eventually.) I didn't expect it to take so long, but my rough draft had to be extensively rewritten, and that took some time—also my ability to get to computers was limited. So that's how a chapter I'm not overly proud of—though I'm not hideously disappointed in it either, wound up taking… SIX MONTHS? ARRRGH! cough, cough Well, got that out of my system. Once again—I don't expect to take so long next time, but I didn't expect to take so long this time.

Standard disclaimer—these characters have been invented by a lot of other people, and I don't own any of them, and please don't sue, creators and owners. I'm very, very poor.