"Yeah sure." Assuming, correctly, that he wanted to talk privately, Jill led him to her office. She ushered him in, carefully closing the door behind them, he took one of the patients chairs, she took the other. "Are you going to explain what's going on with Gordon?" Luke sighed.
"Yes, partly but I also need to explain about me, my situation." Jill frowned, he was being so mysterious, but then he always had been, he was actually scaring her slightly now. Taking her silence as an invitation to continue Luke took a deep breath and began.
"That night when I supposedly told you my life story, I skipped a few bits." Jill nodded, she'd known that already but at the time, considering it had been their first date, she hadn't been overly concerned, everybody did it. "Those bits were quite important. You see I was married. That picture that I have um, is of my son."
Luke reached into his inside jacket pocket and withdrew the snapshot, he handed it to Jill wordlessly. Jill accepted it, the boy in the photograph couldn't have been more than three, he was smiling gaily at the camera as if he didn't have a care in the world. Which Jill reflected, he probably hadn't.
"He looks like a lovely child." Luke nodded, smiling slightly as he remembered with fondness what a good child Ben had been.
"Yeah he is. He's nearly six now. I haven't seen him since just after that photo was taken." Jill looked at him, she wanted to ask why, but she had a feeling that the answer was coming and that any interruption would cause him to close up rather than open.
"You see um, I used to live in London. High flying doc at a city hospital, living my dream. I had a beautiful wife and son and another one on the way, life was perfect. I still don't know why it happened, or who did it, it's the not knowing that's the hardest I think. One night, I'd been working late, I came home and . . and . ."
Luke tailed off, his throat had closed up and tears were pricking at his eyes, the memories were still too clear, too vivid for him to bear. He had to though, he had to finish this. Jill sensing his anguish, gingerly placed her hand over his, providing much needed strength and comfort. After a long moment Luke regained control of his emotions and continued.
"Well, let's just say that my wife and unborn son were dead, murdered no less. The police put two and two together and made five, I was er . . I was prosecuted for it. I spent eight months in jail before they realised they'd made a mistake and released me. Those months were hell on earth. I lost everything that day. My job, my wife and my son. Naturally the courts took him away from me, they placed him with a foster family and let him be adopted. When I was released I tried to get him back, they wouldn't allow it. He was only three at the time, he'd spent best part of a year with these people, he didn't know who I was. The courts ruled it would be to disruptive for him, that he'd be better off staying with the new family, that a didn't have a legal right anyway." Jill looked at him, he'd gone through so much, she didn't know what to say.
"I'm so sorry," Jill said awkwardly after a long pause, she didn't know what else to say. Luke looked at her, his tortured mind seeing somebody else entirely, somebody he'd never see again.
"The story doesn't end there . . ."
"What do you mean?" Jill asked, puzzled, there couldn't be more, could there? Luke remained silent for a long moment, he knew he had to say it, before it was too late. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her and that's exactly what he would do if he allowed this to continue.
"I . . I really like you . ." Luke began, tailing off, he just didn't know how to say it. Jill frowned,
"I like you too." Impulsively Luke reached into his pocket and withdrew a second snapshot. Just like before he handed it to Jill wordlessly, she studied it for a moment before handing it back. "Your wife," Jill commented softly, Luke nodded and continued with gritted teeth, he had to keep his emotions in check, he had to end this now.
"Notice anything else about the snapshot?" Jill shook her head.
"No."
"Really. Ok," Luke nodded again, his breathing becoming laboured, making for oddly punctuated sentences, as in the emotion of the moment he forgot to breathe. "It's not that good a picture. Rebecca, my wife, she looked like you." Luke watched Jill's face for a reaction, he couldn't see one so he continued, the words were coming easier now. "I didn't realise it till I was talking to Gordon about it all. I like you, I really do but I can't . . I live in the past as it is. I can't screw up your future because I can't let it go. I'm transferring."
"Luke . ." Jill began desperately, Luke cut her off.
"No Jill, let me finish. I saw Mr Middleditch before I came to see you. I'm transferring end of the week." Jill was stunned, lost for words, a long moment went by in silence, before Luke continued for the last time.
"You know, when you live in the past it stops you from living your life, that enables you too look at other people's. Observe it all and I've observed plenty. Gordon's been so caught up in trying to stop people from finding out about Caroline and her problems, or 'habits' to be precise, that he's been living in limbo. However, just because your in limbo here."
Luke tapped his forehead,
"doesn't mean you're in limbo here."
Luke tapped his heart and smiled at Jill.
"I've seen the way he looks at you, he doesn't even know he's doing it. He will soon enough though, when he starts to wake up to the real world. I know you've been hurt before, badly hurt. I can reason that that's why you have problems with relationships."
Jill opened her mouth to interrupt but Luke held up his hand.
"Let me finish and don't argue with me alright, I'm not an expert on these things but what I say normally works out. I'm leaving, you and me would never have worked out. I'm with you because of Rebecca, you're with me because you're drawn to men that are emotionally unavailable, that it's never going to work out with."
Jill looked at him impassively, only her eyes giving her away.
"I know this is going to sound like the pot calling the kettle black but you have to stop living in the past. You've been hurt but now's the time to let it go. I'll give you the same advice I gave Gordon. Sometimes the best thing for you to do, is to get on with your life. The past is the past, it should stay that way."
Luke stood up and headed for the door, he had one hand on the doorknob when he turned to say one last thing.
"Gordon needs you now and I think . . I think you need him." Luke smiled briefly and left, leaving Jill with her thoughts.