Disclaimer: Yip, wip! Wickey wild west! I don't own anything for Final Fantasy VII is owned by Squaresoft and yo, yo, yo smoke weed everyday! I own my cardboard home and I'm camping out near the sea. WOOT! I only own Dr. Up-my-own-ass! Enjoy!
The Idiots: Cait Sith: The Name's Sith, Cait Sith...
"HELP!"
Cloud and Yuffie ran into the kitchen to see Tifa chasing around a tormented Cait Sith around in circles in her underwear. Cait Sith shrieked horrifically throwing household items at Tifa who swiftly dodged them with elegance.
"What the hell is goin' on!" squealed Cloud staring at the two running around.
"She's tryin' to seduce me! ARGH! Stay back! BACK I SAY!" Cait Sith threatened with a lamp.
"But Cait Sith! Remember last night when you said you loved me?" Tifa smiled widely.
"That was Vincent! You guys are supposed to be gettin' married soon!"
Tifa stared dumbly for a few minutes, firmly shaking her head. "Whatever." she scoffed slicking back her hair.
"MARRIED?" Yuffie and Cloud chorused.
"Right! Vincent proposed to Tifa in the most "gothic place possible"...a ditch!"
Tifa pounced onto Cait Sith, causing the poor cat to hiss and growl. At that point Tifa's breasts smacked his little head hard knocking him out cold on the marble floor.
"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED HIM!" Cloud gasped.
"How could you Tifa?" Vincent said strolling into the room. "You promised to marry me!"
"Whatever." Tifa said cocking her head to one side.
"Don't you care you killed Cait Sith?" Cloud said dramatically.
Tifa slicked back her hair. "Too bad."
"Wait!" Yuffie said, checking his pulse. "He's a-okay!"
Cait Sith shook his head while humming the James Bond theme.
"He's okay!"
Cait Sith slowly sat up on his giant mog glancing around at everyone shiftly.
"Christmas!" he chirped in a suave British accent, pulling Yuffie close to him.
"Huh?" she questioned. "Where? Christmas? Where?"
"You remember how I had Christmas in Turkey!"
"What the hell?" Yuffie said, struggling against his strong grasp.
"Oh, how unsuave of me. I forgot to introduce myself." Cait Sith then dropped Yuffie and ran out the room.
"What the hell? How did Cait Sith turn so suave and...so...so...British?" Vincent gasped.
"Christmas? In Turkey?" Yuffie shook her head of these odd quotes. "What the hell happened?"
Cait Sith returned dressed in a smart suit, sporting a set of jet black sunglasses and armed with a small handgun. The James Bond music -somehow- accompanied him with the orchestra that floated behind the suave Cait Sith.
"The names Bond." he paused. "James Bond."
"WHAT?" screeched Cloud and Yuffie in harmony.
Aeris came running downstairs in a frenzy, half dressed. "What is going on down here? Can't me and Cid NOT act like couple with you guys down below screeching and-" she paused to look at Cait Sith.
"Don't ask!" Cloud stated simply. "Cait Sith was knocked on the head by Tifa's breasts and-"
"He thinks he's James Bond!" Yuffie said, rudely interupting.
"Jeez! Tifa's breasts can do that?" Aeris was stunned.
"Back! Get back Electra King! You seduced me once and now I kill you!" Cait Sith armed his handgun directly at Tifa's head. With one click, he realised he was out of ammo.
"Oh rats!" exclaimed Cait Sith. "007 is a failure! Now I will have to find some more women to love and forget!"
"I think we should ring the Midgar Hospital right now! Cait Sith has gone crazy!" Cloud sniffed for dramatic effect.
"And Tifa didn't die!" Yuffie cried.
Cloud hurridly sprinted to the phone and dialled "999". "Hello? Is this Dr. Up-my-own-ass? Yeah! We got a severe case of "James Bond persona" here! Oh yes! Right away!"
So hours later after Cait Sith tried to fight Cid because he thought he was Goldfinger, some paramedics hastily put Cait Sith on a stretcher -of whom he accused them of being double crossing spies- and took him to Midgar Hospital. The others were in the waiting room, anxiously awaiting the doctor's diagnosis.
Dr. Up-my-own-ass appeared with his clipboard in hand and was smoking some chocolate bus tickets too.
Cloud jumped off his seat anxiously. "Doctor! What's the news?"
"Well it'z not good newz!" he slurred. "You zee, he haz a zevere caze of Jamez Bond perzona! Az a rezult of hiz head being in contact with a pair of giant breaztz! Thiz iz the fourth caze of breazt knocking out people we've had thiz week!"
"Nice goin' Tifa!" everyone -but Vincent- groaned.
"Stop! Stop being so mean!" Tifa sobbed onto Vincent's shoulder.
"There, there my gothic beauty!" he petted her anxiously. "It's not your fault!" he threw everyone an evil glare.
"Dr. Up-my-own-ass? Can we visit Cait Sith uh...James Bond I mean?" Cloud asked.
"Zure, zure. Whatever. Juzt be zure to call him Jamez or he'll go nutz!" Dr. Up-my-own-ass warned.
So they all went into Ward 007 to visit Cait Sith uh...I mean James Bond.
"Aha." Cait Sith smiled. "Hello chums. I am 007, Bond. James Bond. Oh you brought some lovely ladies to see me!"
"Uh...yes James." Cloud shifted his eyes. "I brought you a gift Cait- I mean James. It's a porn mag!"
"Pornography is vile young man!" Cait Sith said with a cigarette in one hand.
A nurse with a fimilar face entered the room. "Cait- I mean James! You shouldn't smoke in your current state of health!"
"SHERA?" Cid yelled.
"Um...hello...Captain!" she chirped awkwardly.
"WHAT THE #&&$$# ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? GO HOME AND MAKE ME A GODAMN CUP OF TEA!" he roared.
"I left ages ago Captain and you expect me to go crawling back to a smoking unshaven pilot like YOU? Ever since I left Rocket Town, I got endless oppotunites and became a Midgar nurse! At least they treat women with respect, unlike YOU!" Shera said with a firm nod, encouraging feminists, Yuffie and Aeris to scream: "GO GIRL!" like a bunch of cheerleaders.
"Aeris!" Cid frowned looking at her.
"Sorry! Got caught up in the moment!" Aeris giggled. "But it is true Cid, you did treat her like shit!"
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"...Stop nodding you numbskulls!" Cid barked.
Shera looked at the wabbling Cait Sith who was demanding a vodka Martini, shaken not stirred of course.
"Now James, you can't have any alcohol!"
"Oh aren't you frisky?" Cait Sith winked suavely grabbing Shera's hand and kissing it.
"Um...well...hehehehe!" she giggled much to the annoyance of everyone.
This moment was spoiled by the return of Dr. Up-my-own-ass who was smiling really wide.
"There'z good newz and bad newz! The good newz iz that Cait Zith-"
"THE NAME IS BOND! And aren't you Goldfinger?" he snarled. "My arch nemesis! We shall duke it out Bond styley!" Before Cait Sith could jump up from hospital bed, he recieved a vicious jab from the needle Shera was holding which sent him to sleep.
Everyone sighed.
"Well at least we don't have to call him James!" Cloud shurgged.
"THE NAME IS BOND! James...Bond..." he slurred in his sleep.
"Christ." Cloud hissed, kicking the floor.
"Anyway, the good newz iz that Cait Zith'z Jamez Bond perzona dizorder can be reverzed!"
"Yo' what's the bad news?" Barret asked.
"The bad newz iz...that thiz operation coztz around three billion gil!"
"WHAT?" they screamed in unison.
"Well..." coughed Red XIII. "Is it any consolation that we saved the Planet from Meteor and that makes us heroes so-"
"No!" snapped Dr. Up-my-own-ass fiercely. "I do not care if you zaved ze Planet from Meteor or if you had zaved the Planet from falling zilicon! Cazh or elze!"
"I could suggest that Tifa sells herself!" Cid giggled.
"YEAH!"
"Now wait a second!" Vincent said clutching Tifa close. "She is not a two-bit whore y'know! We are to be married soon!"
"Well she got Cait- I mean...I'M SO SICK OF CALLING HIM JAMES! Okay James into this godamn mess!" Yuffie inquired. "So she better pay the price!"
"NEVER!" Tifa shrieked dementedly, before being pushed by Yuffie out the window falling twenty stories down.
"Oh Tifa!" Vincent broke down into tears stretching his arm out the window dramatically. "Why? Whyyyyyyyyy?"
"Oh for fucks sake Vincent! Do you have to do that everytime Tifa dies?" Yuffie scoffed.
Vincent sniffed before flying gracefully out the window like a bird. "TIFAAAAAAAAA!"
"Oh God!" Aeris snarled. "What a dumbass!"
So they were ushered to the waiting room again, where they waited six hours. The operation consisted of using tweezers to remove any traces of James Bond from his brain and they replaced his brain with normal cat tissue. They also had rap music to accompany this dramatic moment in time.
Six hours later Dr.Up-my-own-ass burst through the doors with a happy song on his lips.
"Ze operation waz a complete zucezz!" he sang happily.
"Hooray!" they chorused merrily.
They went to visit Cait Sith who was surrounded by lots of candy and "Get Well Soon" cards.
"Hey Cait Sith!" Cloud said. "How you feelin'?"
"I'm okay. I had such a weird dream! I dream that Tifa was trying to have sex with me and then I turned into a suave hero called James Bond! Wow and I woke up here! Man that was awesome!" Cait Sith said, but his expression soon turned into a confused one. "What am I doin' here?"
Everyone laughed. "Hahahahahahahaha! You're so funny!"
"I love you guys!" Cait Sith smiled, somewhat perplexed.
While the gang wheeled Cait Sith out of hospital, Yuffie announced to send the three million gil bill to Vincent Valentine.
Meanwhile they were all home watching "The Living Daylights" with Timothy Dalton (woot), when Cait Sith said: "WAIT A MINUTE! ALL THAT STUFF I DREAMT REALLY HAPPENED!"
"Well duh!" Yuffie rolled her eyes, drinking beer.
"Huh. That was some pretty weird shit. But then again, we killed nearly all the WEAPONS, escaped rabid fangirls, had a drunken Christmas and got Cloud to choose Jenova on Blind Date, so I guess this shit is pretty tame." Cait Sith shrugged.
"Shush!" Cloud commanded. "Bond is gonna bang some girl!"
The gang universally groaned.
END
Some thank yous for my brothers and sisters who reviewed "The Idiots" series!
Zeraphic Triomis - A regular reviewer for "The Idiots" series! Also the first reviewer who reviewed the first "The Idiots" story! Thank you very much my sister and I'm glad you found it funny dudette, just be careful your lungs don't explode anymore! The whole fangirl thing is true isn't it? I mean I just envision these people invading their world...who knows! There could be a sequel on the cards! Thank yoo!
Hiei owns my soul - Hey hey! Glad you liked the fangirls story! Nush (me) is a great lover of Cid, so I'm glad you like him! Whoop! See you around soon! Thank yoo! I see you are new to Welcome! Are you really an Aeris and Cid fan! (I looked at your profile.) Whoop! Duuuuuudddddddde!
Ryu the Youkai - Well that's a good point about those anti-Clouds, anti-Zacks and anti-Cids! Who knows! They could be appearing in a fangirl sequel soon! Thank yoo!
Lenna the Fallen One - CloudxBugenhagen! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! God that slays me! That's put a nasty image in my head! XD I'm glad that the fangirl story made you laugh! Thank yoo!
corkykiggs - There could be a sequel to "Rabid Fangirls Alert", so stay tuned! Thank yoo!
vampiegurl - Another fellow Tifa hater! Now that's not something you see everyday! Whoa dude! Sorry about the Vincent bashing through, he's much less worse than Tifa is oui? Thanks for reviewing "Blind Date" and "Rabid Fangirls Alert!" But there's always gonna be Tifa bashing in "The Idiots" series muahahahaha! Oh and thanks for reviewing "That's how it is!" and thanks for my medal! -high five!-
Kit Thespian - Thanks! Emerald WEAPON being the strongest huh? Well I always found Ruby a bit more vicious but they are BOTH a pain in the ass! I always imagined Ruby being the "I'm so tough" type of character. Hehehe!
lianadragonmaster - Teehee! Glad you found it funny dude!
And finally...
ffgjfhk (I don't she or he bothered to sign in) - Um...I'm gay? Uh...well. Thanks?
I think that's everyone that reviewed "The Idiots" series so far! Thank you guys so much for reviewing and giving positive reviews (I thought some flames saying "OMG TIFA DIED! How could you?", "OMG! Immature!" would pop up, but...) to me! Means a lot guys! Flowers and candy for all of you! Peace and love! Oh and there's gonna be more from those "idiots" we know and love! Thank yoo all!
Love Nush xoxox