This is for all the reviewers. ALLLLLLLL OF YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I love it when people tell me they read my story like 20 times. I love it. It gives me the urge to think of better and keep going and post faster.
You guys are all awesome. Please keep it going, hell review it twice, three times, I don't care, I love reading what you guys like, or dislike…I hope you all enjoy this one too….
Song below: Stain'd – Zoe Jane. AWESOME song. It fit.
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"We can never see past the choices we don't understand."
"Are you saying I have to choose whether she lives or dies?
"No, you've already made the choice. Now you have to understand it."
-The Matrix Reloaded.
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"Can I stay for a while?"
"You can stay forever."
-Notting Hill
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Well, I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
I know that your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound
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Her feet wouldn't reach the floor of the kitchen for some years to come yet. He watched in mild amusement as she struggled into her chair, wiggling around for a better comfortable position. Her blond hair had the natural curls that only a child could have and when he looked into her eyes he only saw her mother. Sometimes she would give him a look that he swore was Kirsten reincarnated. She had her temper and stubbornness too. And she held the ability to twist him around her little finger already.
It dawned on him that his daughter was seven years old, soon to be eight.
It had taken him five years to get off his feat and start practicing law again. Kirsten's dying wish to her father was that he would take care of Sandy financially, because she knew he wouldn't have been able to do it himself. Not that they didn't have enough money, but Caleb understood. It was her own 'Daddy please make sure he's okay, because I can't be there anymore wish.'
So Caleb had done just that, but it had been subtle and Sandy hadn't cared. He sold the house, everything there reminded him of her, and he just couldn't live that way.
Seth had come looking for him once and found him frozen in the doorway of their bedroom. Everything was as she left it. Earrings and necklaces strewn over the dresser, her pajamas still tucked in their drawers, the book they had started reading together stuck on chapter 7, page 122, all waiting for her return. The room smelled of her. He was just stood there, frozen in the doorway stuck in shock and grief.
What the hell was he going to do?
Seth sure hadn't known what to do.
So Sandy did only what he knew andwhat he thought was best. He went through the closets, gathered what he wanted, took the valuables, pictures and the little things that meant most and sold the house fully furnished.
So he bought a new house, still overlooking the ocean, because at night once his little girl was asleep he would sit outback and listen to the waves crash and think of Her while nursing a beer.
He had cleaned up a bit, his hair a bit shorter, but his face now held a goatee. The whole going back completely clean-shaven just didn't sit right because that was the look he had Before. That was the look Kirsten liked. So he kept a short goatee and his hair was short too.
He took a job at a fancy law firm that he didn't have to go to court, he "settled" so to speak and was home by the time Allie got home from school.
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And I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things
I've already endured
And I want to show you
Show you all the things
That this life has in store for you
And I'll always love you
The way that a father
Should love his daughter
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"Daddy, I need help," she huffed crossing her arms.
"What's wrong sweetie?"
"I can't figure this out," she raised an eyebrow to him.
He walked over to her and looked over her shoulder. They were doing addition problems and had just started multiplication problems, with one division problem at the end for a bonus point. Private schools jumped at the chance to challenge kids and gave them a head start early on.
"Well let's see. It's 4x2."
"Wouldn't that just be 6?" Her voice was optimistic.
"No baby. It would if it was addition. This is multiplication see the X? Its four, twice."
Brilliancy and recognition flashed across her beautiful features and she wrote down the number '8'.
"That's my girl," he whispered softly and kissed the top of her head proudly.
"Kay' I'm done. Can I go play? Can we go swimming later?" She asked hopefully.
"Yes, and maybe." He smiled.
She scurried off through the house, up the stairs to her room.
Ryan and Seth would be home from college for winter break.
He was glad the company would be nice. It was just Alexandria, himself and Rosa. It was lonely, although Caleb stopped by almost daily to see his granddaughter and Jimmy came over still, so did Julie. But other than that, he didn't have many visitors. Summer and the boys were at college now. Allie sometimes asked him if some of her classmates could come over and they would play and there would be children's laughter. But the house was silent except for Allie and himself.
He knew she deserved more than he could give her, she should have deserved her mother, but he couldn't bring himself to touch another woman, much less even look their way, despite being asked out by tons of them.
He still wore his wedding band.
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When I walked out this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone
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Going back in time, he smiled at the memory of swimming. He watched her splash about in the pool with her floaters on her little arms.
"Daddy, c'mon pleeeeeeeease!?" She looked at him again, her bottom lip pouted.
It tugged at his heart.
He grinned and shook his head. "Okay, but you DO NOT DO THIS unless I'm in the pool with you. Do you understand?"
She nodded enthusiastically and he took off her floats and she swam perfectly fine without them.
The kid loved water. That trait he knew she got from him.
He watched as she went underwater and swam around him. Kids were amazing when it came to swimming. They had no fear.
She came up sputtering and he was there in two strides, pulling her above water, cradling her to his chest, but she giggled.
"Are you all right?" His voice was full of concern.
"I'm okay Daddy, wrong pipe." She coughed again.
He pulled her close and kissed her temple. If he lost her he honestly would go buy a gun and shoot himself.
"C'mon kid, your pruning."
She pouted. She loved swimming.
"No, Alexandria, it's getting chilly and you still need a bath before going to bed." He used her first name, he was trying to be stern.
She pouted more giving him that look again that was all her mother.
He resigned with a sigh, "Fine, five more minutes and that's it."
She smiled at him, the innocent childlike smile, and the same one her mother held at times, when she wasn't pissed at him.
A tear of water streamed down her cheek and he unconsciously wiped it away with his hand.
"Love you Daddy."
He smiled and shooed her away, "Go Nemo, Go."
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And I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things
I've already endured
And I want to show you
Show you all the things
That this life has in store for you
And I'll always love you
The way that a father
Should love his daughter
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She opened her eyes to agonizingly bright lights. Something dark was standing over her. She blinked a few times and finally everything came into focus.
Seth.
The worried look on his face reminded her of a puppy that had gotten beaten with a newspaper.
She groaned and wearily sat up, trying to rub the ache and grogginess away.
Looking around the room it was just the two of them. He settled into the chair.
"I told Dad to go home, he was passed out on your bed, and I told him to take Ryan with him. He was about ready to pass out in this super comfy chair here. I thought we could have a little bonding time, mother."
She smiled sympathetically.
Only Seth would use such satirical humor.
He stared.
He tilted his head slightly and sighed attentively. "Mom, what's going on?"
'Seth, why couldn't you have been here when the doctor dropped the bomb on all of us?'
She sighed.
"You're going to have a little brother or sister soon," she murmured hoarsely but happily.
'Saying it with a smile fools them all.'
He raised an eyebrow. He wasn't fazed. He had Sandy's intuition.
"Than why did Dad walk out of here like a conked out boxer and Ryan the Hunchback of Notre Dame?"
She cast her glance downward to her hands and watched as they played about with the wedding bands. Her eyes flicked over to the bleach white bed sheet, the yellowing ceiling tiles, the IV in her hand, and then finally to the distressed look of her son. His chocolate brown eyes shown with a fear that riveted her down to her spine.
She shivered.
She suddenly realized how serious and badher situation in fact was. It was like reality smacked her in the face. She could no longer pretend everything was going to be fine, when it wasn't.
"Seth…"
His bottom lip trembled and there was a brilliant rush of red that dazzled his cheeks.
She didn't need to tell him, he already knew.
He wanted her conformation. He wanted her to tell him that his father and brother were wrong. That the reason why they were walking like two whooped-to-shit bronc riding corpses was because the chairs were too hard in this hospital, not because his mother was dying.
"Seth, we'll make it through this."
'Con-for-fucking-mation. It's what you wanted right Seth?'
He bit his bottom lip and cast his stare across the room, swiping angrily at his cheeks as the tears that threatened to overspill, finally did.
This time Seth didn't have a witty comment for a comeback save.
He simply sat in the chair and tears fell down his cheeks like a rainstorm that came out of nowhere in the desert. That moment Seth's features aged ten years. He placed his face in his hands, he slouched slightly hunching over, his eyes clouded as mixture of emotions played in them, and his innocence left.
He never made a sound. She suspected those would be made in the safety of his bedroom with the little plastic horse he talked to.
When he finally let his eyes meet hers again they held apologies. Apologies that said, 'There is nothing I can do for you and I don't understand why. I CAN'T HELP YOU!'
His eyes screamed for her to be strong and not to leave him. Don't die, don't die, don't die, please don't die.
"Seth. Come here," she gingerly moved her aching body over for him to sit beside her. He rose and stood there for a moment, unsure of whether to bolt for the door and go down to the beach and yell at the top of his lungs, or to sit beside his mother and weep.
'Please Seth, please?'
He walked timidly over to her bed and sat down taking her hand. She reached up and wiped away a tear that trailed over his baby soft features.
He looked down at her hand and smirked shaking his head. 'It only fucking figures.'
"I love you, Seth. I'm going to be fine, the baby's going to be fine, all of us are going to be fine."
'You will all be fine, afterwards. It takes time. You'll see Seth. You'll be able to live without me.'
"You say the word fine like you're trying to convince yourself," he looked vacantly at her.
That was the biggest lie she ever told herself, she knew it and he had caught her. Her own tears threatened to spill over, but she stopped them, for his sake.
He made her cry. That wasn't his intention, he was hurting and he should just be supportive. He could take his hatred of what was happening out on someone else.
"I love you too Mom," he whispered.
She looked at sadly at him, and then gave him a fake smile; it was all she could muster.
The 'I love you's' were no longer said as an automated response halfheartedly. They were said with passion because whether anyone wanted to admit it, time was ticking.
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She was dozing while waiting for the doctor to come in and tell her exactly what type of cancer she had, so they could come up with the best round of treatment. They had run dozens of tests on her that day, and she had the bruises on her arms to prove it.
She thought about Sandy, about how after his great "ass-kicking" he changed. Deep down under those layers that she slowly had to peel away she found that Sandy was quite the gentleman and brain.
He had the intellect to do anything he just needed the boost.
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After that incident they had developed a love of company for one another a gentle understanding that no matter what even in college they were outsiders. He was an outsider because he was from New York, pretty much poor, and had the attention of a beautiful girl.
She was an outsider because she was richer than most people, and for that reason she was classified as a snob and she was now picking on "The normal man." Or so some girl had shouted at her.
"What, not enough rich people to bang in Newport?" The prissy girl sneered at her.
Kirsten said nothing. She merely flipped the girl off and gave her one of those killer smiles.
"People are always going to talk, so you might as well give them something to talk about," her mother used to say.
Whatever. Fuck them, the little bastards. They were just jealous because she held the attention of the men they wanted to date and never could.
Kirsten never lacked self-confidence, and why should she, she never had reason not to. No one berated her, she was gorgeous, she had the loving attention of parents, and the guys, she was popular. Sandy however was a different story, one she had yet to figure out.
She couldn't help it; she loved the company of this man who was sprawled out on her floor. He intrigued her and for the few months she had known him he went off on brilliant rants sometimes bringing her to tears of laughter at some of his ideas or comments. He liked to mumble things at the TV when he thought she wasn't paying attention.
Sandy seemed to generally enjoy the floor. He rarely sat down on the couch like someone normal, sometimes though she managed to persuade him.
He was lying on the floor on his stomach, his books spread out in front of him, tongue peaking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration.
She was watching TV curled up on her couch. During commercials he would go back to writing and working on whatever it was he was doing.
'Moonlighting' reruns were on and she loved Bruce Willis.Sandy loved her company so it was a win-win situation.
He groaned sitting up, and leaned against the couch, putting his head back on the cushion and gazing up and her upside down.
She grinned.
"Hey goofy." She ruffled his hair and he closed his eyes against her touch.
"Mmph."
"Was that a word?"
He nodded. "Brain fried. Work no more."
She laughed.
"So go to bed."
"You're sitting on my bed." This was true for he slept on her couch more than he slept in the dorm room he called an apartment.
She was about to move and he stopped her. "I was joking Kirsten I would never make you move off your own couch."
She just looked at him. She tugged on his arm and he moved sitting on the opposite end. The real shocker came when she thrust her feet into his lap. He tensed before he placed his hand on her leg.
"Sandy?"
He looked at her with a raised eyebrow, "Hrm?"
"Why are you so nervous around me?"
Honesty is policy.
His face changed in an instant, his eyes cast to the floor and he spoke so softly she could barely hear him, "Because I'm to afraid I'm going to screw up the best thing that's ever happened to me." He flinched slightly, as if he thought she was going to yell at him and toss him out of her life, just like everyone else.
She felt the heat rise in her cheeks and her heart fluttered. He had a way with words and the way he looked at her was like she was the only person in this world. To him, she simply was.
Then she smiled, and to Sandy the world melted away. That smile meant everything to him.
She took his hand moved closer to him, eventually straddling his lap. She looked into his eyes and it took him a few moments before he would meet hers. Hesitantly his hands came to rest upon her slim hips, as he glanced down, his eyes took in how well his hands fit there. How they looked like they belonged there.
"Sandy, what are you so afraid of?"
"That you're going to break my heart and never look back, and not even think twice about it, or that I'll screw something up, which is normally what I do. Cause I'm good at that, or the fact that I have nothing to offer you, and you're way out of my league. I…I don't know."
She stared at the man who at that instant she knew she would marry. The one that let his guard down and let the burden he had been carrying off his chest.
He smiled sheepishly at her. "Yeah I'm pathetic. I know. I – you do this thing to me. I can't act like myself. Its like I don't want to disappoint you and I know I will." He shrugged. "I'm sor-…"
She kissed him, slow and passionate. This time he didn't hesitate.
"Sandy, you won't disappoint me. I don't that that's possible," her voice was tender and sincere.
Her eyes spoke volumes as they said, 'I'm in love with you Sandy.'
He flushed pink as his heart hammered against his chest while her words echoed in his ears. 'I don't think that's possible. You won't disappoint me. You won't….'
'But I will,' he thought to himself.
He brought a hand up to the side of her face, and traced the gentle outline of her jaw. He kissed her again, softly.
Perfect.
She curled up against him, his arms wrapped securely around her. Her head fit neatly under his chin and her body molded to his, as if it was simply meant to be.
Later in their relationship Sandy joked with her saying that was the day his life started for the better. She liked to say that it was the day hers ended.
She would gently tease him, "You're my favorite mistake you know that?" He would give her this sad puppy-dog look and she look at him with a grin on her face, moving around to kiss him, her arms wrapped around his neck as she held him close. "Baby you wound me."
"Only teasing honey, you know you're my only mistake," she would stick her tongue out at him, and he would raise an eyebrow to her and she walked away.
"Oh you had better take that back, or else!"
"Or else what," she played along innocently with a smile in her eyes that could light up a darkened sky.
"Or else you'll have to suffer the consequences. Take it back, honey!"
"Never!" she would whisper, watching him move closer to her.
"Fine then, you shall see," he said and he wrapped his strong arms around her and threw her over his shoulder, with her yelling his name.
"SANDY! This isn't fair!"
"Uh huh, I told you…"
He lowered her onto their bed and pressed his body against hers, effectively holding her down, but never making her feel uncomfortable against his weight.
"Now you must pay," he smiled almost bashfully at her before attacking her collarbone with his lips, hitting the sensitive spots and making her squirm and moan against him.
"No fair," she would always manage to whisper before she got one of herslender hands out of his grasp and would raise his chin, looking into his honest eyes and kiss him softly on the lips.
"I love you. I hope you know that, Sanford Cohen."
He smiled tenderly at her, "I do."
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A soft knock shook her from her reverie.
"Mrs. Cohen? We have you're test results."
Seth looked up, his soulful brown eyes filled with dread and remorse.
"Its what we call Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, or NHL for short."
'Are we playing hockey at this hospital?' Seth's conscious asked angrily. He darted his eyes away from his mother, his thoughts could only resort to seeing her like he watched people die on TV, cold, alone, scared. He didn't want her to be afraid.
"Um we have discussed things, and there are several ways to go about treating this. We can blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, abortion, blah, blah, blah."
"Another blah, blah, blah, chemotherapy is safe, possible side effects, blah, blah, radiation, blah, blah. You will be extremely tired, nauseated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
"Or blah, blah, alternative, blah, blah, hold off and have the baby as soon as possible, it would be premature, blah, blah, blah we would do a C-section, blah, blah, blah, then we could continue with chemotherapy and radiation. Blah, blah, blah."
She only caught certain words. She hoped Seth was listening he would have to explain this to his father. She didn't want this, she wanted a healthy pregnancy, with no fear. Now it was like playing a game but with her life.
She sighed; the room was slowly going to start spinning again. She could feel it.
Her whole body suddenly flushed with the heat of anger. It radiated to her belly and she felt such a surge of rage she might pass out. Underneath the covers she secretly placed a hand over her flat stomach. It held life. She, herself, was now death.
How controversial. It infuriated her.
"Mrs. Cohen?"
"I need to think about it," she muttered, knowing there was nothing to think about. Sandy would fly off the handle and try to convince her otherwise. Seth and Ryan would most likely take Sandy's side, knowing that if they put all of them together, they might have a chance. The doctor quietly left the room.
But she knew her decision.
She wasn't feeling so great again. Ryan and Sandy had seen how sick she could be. Seth however didn't. She knew there would be plenty of time for that.
"Seth sweetie? I'm really tired I want to get some rest, why don't you go home for a while make sure your Dad and Ryan are okay."
She smiled softly at him and he looked at her curiously. Something wasn't right.
"You sure?"
"Yeah honey, I'm going to try to sleep. I'm tired."
"Okay Mom," he said standing up and stretching.
He kissed her on the cheek, "I love you," and he cast a glance back in her direction as he walked out the door.
Her hands at least waited for him to exit the room before they started trembling. A deep shudder started from her stomach and it trembled the whole way up her body. Her hands were ice as they wrapped around her middle in another failed attempted to calm herself. She reached for the little metal basin that was kept beside every patient's bedside as another shudder seized and racked her thin body.
The nausea had returned, although she was sure that telling her son that she was dying had something to do with it,and the hormones probably weren't helping either.
She sighed shakily and swallowed, attempting to keep whatever was coming back up – down.
She trembled, her body was freezing, and the effort to keep from vomiting and trembling was breaking her into a cold sweat.
She leaned back into the pillow and closed her eyes, her teeth chattering dangerously together as she shivered again.
She felt a tear slip down her cheek and wiped it away. This was no time to be feeble and weak. She was going to get sick and she was going to go through it by herself because she was too stubborn to accept help and let Seth stay.
'You had better get used to needed someone around. You aren't going to be superwoman anymore,' her brain chimed in.
'Shut up, I'm not dead yet,' the other half said.
The other half had no comeback.
She pressed the call button for the nurse. She was going to need a bigger pan.
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Seth walked through the door of the mansion to complete quiet. He checked on Ryan and he was sleeping. Seth figured he would let him sleep. He came back into the house and saw his dad passed out on the couch, a hand over his head and a blanket up to his chest.
He shook his head. His parents were so funny sometimes. Why they wouldn't sleep in their bedroom when one was away he just couldn't grasp. He even asked his dad that once and his father shrugged.
"I've slept beside your Mom for seventeen years Seth."
Seth looked at him incredulously, "That's your big explanation?"
He looked at his son. "It's hard to explain. It just doesn't feel right."
He still stared blankly.
"Seth, I don't know it's lonely? Will that do?" Sandy gave him a look. His son couldn't possibly understand, and there was no way Sandy could fully explain it.
He just shook his head and walked away.
"Someday, if you're lucky, you'll understand," Sandy whispered. He hadn't heard him.
Trudging up to his room he flopped on his bed. He dialed Summer's number.
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She rolled over on her side. Her body hurt so bad that she only wanted the pain that racked her joints to stop.
She groaned as she shifted again and sighed.
"I give up."
The feat of getting comfortable was nearly impossible. Her body just constantly ached no matter what position she was in.
She finally shifted and lay back against the pillows and stared at the slightly yellowing ceiling tiles and began to count the black dots that accented each and every one.
The black dots blurred as the tears started. She didn't want to die… she wanted to be there with Sandy to watch their little girl grow up. She wanted to be there to help raise her, to mother her aches and watch over her, to comfort her when she had bad dreams. She wanted a normal life.
She didn't want the self-destruction that was to come to her family, the hurt, and the ache. She tears fell and she rolled over bringing her knees up to her chest.
'I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.'
She cried for the baby that was inside her. She cried for the disease that she held no control over. But mostly she cried for Sandy, Ryan and Seth, and her little one. She would be raised without a mother. Nothing was more heartbreaking than that.
She sobbed and her body shuddered harshly as she thought of their faces when saying goodbye. She could see Sandy begging her, looking so helpless, but begging her to stay with them. Seth and Ryan not knowing what to say or do, their silent pleas echoing into her ears as she took her last breathes.
The tears flowed freely now, the sobbed racking her body as thoughts and images popped into her head like a movie.
Seth, Sandy, Ryan, the baby, the funeral, the drinking, the fighting, the yelling, the tears. Everyone crying, their stony faces, the confusion, the unanswered questions of 'What do we do now?'
She cried for the helplessness she was going to leave them in.
She cried for Sandy, for the way her death was going to affect him and the relationship with the boys. For the responsibility of raising their daughter without her, how much strain that alone was going to be put upon him.
She cried for how much pain she was in right now and realized that it was only the beginning, things had hardly yet to lift off the ground.
She cried for the promise that she had made to Sandy so long ago."I'll never leave you," she said with a lazy smile and kissed him sealing that promise.
She cried for the fact that there was nothing she could do to ease anyone's suffering, including her own.
"I'm sorry guys'. I'm so sorry," she whispered. "So sorry…"
Her body trembled harshly as she could only think, 'I don't want to die, I'm sorry, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I'm sorry.'
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