Note: Dear God, after that last chapter I was even bummed out. Lol, and I wrote the damn thing. Just to let you know, I struggled with this one. I love the reviews, one of the more memorable was: raggerga: "I'm going to go kill myself. How miserable. Fantastically depressing." I was like fantastically depressing? I thought to myself, it can't be that bad. A few reviewers even said they cried through it. So I went back and reread it and even I was bummed. Yeah wow. Keep reviewing guys seriously- I love them. Oh PS. I ran a fever this week by the way and the gnomes are real. :o) And every single bone in my body ACHED. But I'm good now…. You'll understand...
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"A hero is entitled to his happy ending, when it comes at last."
"This is not the end, either for you or for her."
"Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go un-rescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story."
- Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn
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He rolled over on the couch, sighed for the umpteenth time and stared at the ceiling. He was not going to sleep tonight. He was surprised he had taken a nap for as long as he had.
Sandy stretch, shuddering slightly as the blanket fell away from him and cool air rushed against his warm body.
The house just didn't feel right; it felt cold and forlorn like. He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and went out to sit on the patio overlooking the ocean, ignoring the chill that greeted him when he opened the door.
Sitting there and looking out into the night he bowed his head while his eyes cast steely glances at the ocean.
'Why her? Why not someone else?'
'Why this? Why now, did she have to get pregnant now?'
'I can't raise a baby by myself. I don't even want to…'
But he knew deep in his heart that baby would save his life should the outcome of his wife go tragic. He knew thats what she was thinking.
His thoughts were running together to the point where he couldn't even think of one thing coherently. It wasn't even just one particular thought it was everything.
He sighed and ran a hand through his already messy hair. What the hell was he doing sitting here at home, hell if he was going to feel miserable he could at least do it in her company, sleeping or otherwise.
He scribbled a note for the boys and left a 50$ dollar bill on the table.
Seth would say he was corny and happily snatch that fifty from the table while his quieter son would raise an eyebrow and contemplate what crazy idea Seth was coming up with and dragging him through next. Hopefully they could distract themselves for a little. He wrote that in his note as well.
Or maybe not, maybe they would just stare at the cash on the table, crinkle up the note and simply stare.
He wanted them to go to school but he understood completely if they didn't. He scribbled that down too, leaving the keys for the BMW on the counter and left.
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A nurse had come into her room earlier and taken out the IV that had been in her upper arm. She now had the large blue-black aching bruise to prove it. There was a chair placed by the window in her room and she took her IV pole and grabbed a blanket and trudged slowly to sit by the window.
She had hardly fallen asleep and instead of the grim look of death on everyone's faces she dreamt of gnomes. Gnomes are supposed to be cute and helpful. These little buggers carried pickaxes and hammered at her body. So when she woke up her body ached again. It wasn't from the gnomes though. It was from the light fever that had started up again. As she walked over to the chair her joints thumped along with her pulse and each footstep jarred each bone in her slowly failing body.
She quietly eased into the chair her slow movements mocking those of an elderly woman. She groaned as her weight settled into the chair. She pulled her knees up against the chairs handles, situating herself so that she could watch out the window in comfort.
She really wanted alcohol right now, a nice glass of champagne, or chardonnay, or even better, several burning shots of vodka. It was bad enough that she had cancer, at least with cancer she watched her mother kill some of her pain by drinking. But she couldn't even do that, not with the baby.
She put her head in her hands and sighed in frustration. God, her body hurt. Fever's had the ability to bring out every single ache. She wanted a shower, or a bath, a nice, long, hot, steaming bath that could take away the constant, throbbing ache.
A shiver ran down her spin and erupted her whole body with a tremble. She tugged the thin blanket closer to her body as the perspiration beaded on her face, She was cold but lying on the bed was even colder, and the cold made her body ache even more. She couldn't stop moving when she lay down, the flowing throb ran through her legs like shin splints. She lulled her head onto her shoulders and attempted to crack her neck.
It didn't work.
She groaned and pulled her knees up tighter so that she could rest her chin on them. The pain didn't lurch through her body like a firecracker this way, maybe because it cut the circulation from her legs and slowed blood flow.
Whatever works.
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He walked up through the hospital frowning as he passed the rooms. The smell of a hospital was bad enough, the proposed cleanliness that is poised while the place actually contained more germs than a battlefield gave him the creeps. Walking down the oncology ward he had the feeling of ominous doom as he cast the glances into the rooms.
The sick, the dying.
It gave him the chills as to how the hallways smelled, death had its own disgusting scent, and as he listened he could hear the groaning and moaning of the patients in severe pain.
The thought that Kirsten could be this made him sick. He remembered the times with her mother, but he had forgotten the grainy details of the ordeal.
He made a left down the long corridor and went up to the private room her father had managed to arrange.
The door was cast open slightly and he poked his head in casting a glance to the empty bed where his heart hammered in chest at the sight of an empty bed.
Had something happened?
His eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room and she saw her sitting there, curled in a chair.
He simply watched her. The moonlight cascaded down and over her body like a child's vigilant stare it enveloped her in a veil of angelic peace.
He heard her moan and took that as his cue to enter.
"Hey," his voice was gruffer and deeper than he meant it to be.
She barely lifted her head, "Hey."
He crossed over to her chair and saw that she had been crying. He kneeled down in front of her.
"Can't sleep?" His voice was deep and caring, and the sound made her shiver wanting his comfort.
She sighed. She was going to tell him a lie but decided against it.'No Sandy, my bones are breaking in half.'
"Impossible. It hurts Sandy. It hurts so bad," she whimpered. Her eyes were glassy with fever. He knew she was in pain as it registered on her face.
He frowned. "What can I do?"
She shook her head. 'Nothing.'
"Awe c'mon honey, how about we start by getting you more comfortable over there?" He nodded towards the bed.
She moaned at the thought. "It's cold, everything hurts, and there aregnomes over there."
His eyebrows shot up and there was a confused look on his face.
"Gnomes? Honey?"
He reached up and felt her warm forehead and frowned again. Looking into her eyes he saw they were bright with the fever that raged on inside her. She wasn't very coherent.
He took her hand in his and helped her to her feet, walking her and the IV pole to the bed. She flinched slightly as her bare feet hit the chilly floor.
She got herself situated with his help and then rolled on her side facing him. Her hand grasped hold of his and he felt how clammy she had become. She shivered and moaned as anintense pain raced through her legs and up to her hips.
He wiped the hair and perspiration away from her face and she smiled her thanks at him. The chilling sweat that she had all over her body caused her to involuntarily shiver again. She was tired of shivering, of aching, of throwing up. She was just so physically and emotionally exhausted and it hurt so bad to sleep. Sleep should be peaceful, and resting. She dreamt when she finally slept so she got neither.
He tucked the blanket up around her and she closed her eyes at his touch. Wordlessly he moved around to the other side of the bed and put his hands under the covers to rub her back. Maybe the simple action of running his hands over her body would distract her enough so she could sleep.
Placing a hand on her damp, thin back he could only hopelessly wonder in fear, 'Is this how it was going to be?'
Feeling his hands begin to rub lightly on her back her eyelids sagged with fatigue. Sandy was always good at taking whatever burden she had at the time and making it his as well. He would take this too and make it his, and it could destroy him. But the rhythmic circle's his soft hands were making upon the length of her body was making her incredibly drowsy. Slowly his hands went up the thin shoulder blades, over the muscles, and trailed down her spin. She was way to thin. Down her lower back over her slender ribs and back up following her spine again. Sandy's hands were so warm against her freezing body. They chased the gnomes away.
Her eyelids fluttered twice before she fell asleep.
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Ryan sat at the hollow kitchen waiting for Seth to come down and join him. He read the note that Sandy had left and sipped his coffee.
To go to school or not to-Zat is zhee question.
He knew Seth would be all gung-ho about skipping, but personally he would rather go and distract himself.
As Seth waltzed into the kitchen he was dressed for school but looked like he hadn't slept.
"Hey man."
"Hey," Seth mumbled unenthused.
"Sandy left us a fifty, he said we could go down to the pier after school, maybe you know, after if we go…"
"Yeah, sure."
His head hung low and there were dark circles that were starting under his eyes. He drank some juice and then just looked at Ryan.
"You ready man?"
Ryan nodded, "Yep," he muttered with a tight smile.
Ryan's thoughts echoed Sandy's. 'So is this how it's going to be from now on?'
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She had finally fallen asleep hours ago under his touch. He moved around to face her, taking hold on her hand and holding it in his. He had always been simply amazed at this woman. Her delicate and soft features, he wouldn't have thought that this woman held more fire and wraith than anyone he had known.
Over time he had experienced her wraith from every level possible. The worst had been back in the college days when he couldn't judge her mood. When his mind had been as stubborn as hers and he wouldn't just give in. He fought with her over dumb things and his temper would blow things out of the water, causing him to do a "Hit and Run," as she would call it. Basically, someone, something would hit a sore spot of Sandy's, he would take offense, go somewhere, take his anger out on something, and then come back with the apologies of a prince. He could soften her steely gaze when he bought her flowers. That's what he used to do, time and time again until she made him grow up.
When Sandy first met her father, it was obvious the man had a distinct hatred towards the younger man.
Caleb Nichol had gone as far as yelling at Sandy saying that he wasn't good enough for his daughter, and she was only dating him to piss Caleb off and that Jimmy Cooper wasn't available anymore.
That was something Sandy couldn't take.
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Her mother had thoroughly enjoyed Sandy. She loved the smile, the gentle ease that he had around her daughter and vice versa. She was the peacekeeper, plain and simple.
Caleb was a different story and used the word "roguish euphemism," to describe Sandy at one point in time. His arrogant mannerisms made Sandy feel less than welcome, and he had over heard when Caleb said he didn't understand why Kirsten was with Sandy when Jimmy Cooper was across the street.
When she had exasperatedly said, "Dad, he cheated on me," Caleb's mere reply had been, "Let bygones be bygones."
Now there were things that Sandy could take and couldn't. He could handle her Dad; he had been around people like him all her life his snide little remarks Sandy counter acted with the even better comments and on occasion shut Caleb the hell up.
He loved her mother; she enjoyed him and even said so, she was the one that made Sandy feel welcome and this rattrap semi enjoyable.
He couldn't handle the whole ex-boyfriend factor that Jimmy Cooper seemed to do with ease.
Which when her father had taken liberty on the family and simply invited him over after Kirsten hadn't seen him in umpteen months and the shocked look on her face as Jimmy Coopa' walked through the door was just another letdown to the whole evening. The arrogant bastard gave his ex-girlfriend a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek and put an arm around her leading her into the party again.
Katherine had seen his shocked gaze and when she cast her own towards her husband he wouldn't meet her eyes.
So it was a setup.
If the kid didn't feel more out of place right now, she didn't know if he ever would.
She watched his expressions change from 'what do I do,' to 'I think I'm going to slip quietly out the door now,' and watched as he did so. He had told Kirsten he was going to use the restroom and came out just in time to see that Jimmy pull the whole hug and kiss thing, well, hell she wanted to be over there with him then fine, be that way.
So Sandy sat out on the dark balcony overlooking in the ocean when her mother walked out to sit beside him.
"Confidence Mr. Sanford Cohen. It's what you lack."
He looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Ya don't say? Its kind of hard to have confidence around here," the last part was mumbled incoherently.
"Oh I do. It's the only think you lack that you need to be great."
"I'm not going to be great at anything," he muttered.
"On the contraire Sandy. You're a passionate, loving, young man, that's not something I see everyday. Jimmy Cooper doesn't have what you have. He never has, he merely wonders though life, he does what's expected of him and he does it with lazy trust fund grace."
"Yeah well his lazy grace tactics seem to work for him," he nodded his head angrily to the party going on inside and Jimmy and Kirsten standing together.
"You've got to much anger Sandy that you need to let go of, because it's holding you back. Lets face it young man you know it and I know it too. You've got the brains; you just need the confidence to complete it. You're a smart man Sandy- my Kirsten sees something in you. You're the only boy she's ever brought home to us other than Jimmy Cooper. She didn't really bring him home either, he sort of wondered lost through the door."
He shrugged and sighed the woman had the senses of a cat. He knew she was right.
"Change isn't easy Sandy, but it is necessary."
He looked at her and nodded his head, giving her a small smile.
"I know."
"I'll see you inside," she said stretching and ruffling his hair as she walked by.
'Katherine Nichol, ladies and gentlemen, the one woman on the block who had some sense,' he thought as he watched her walk away.
He stood up and stretched, moving his body so he could lean against the railing, resting on his elbows instead of trying to hide sitting on the steps the while the wind had fun with his hair tossing it in every direction.
He heard the patio door open and shut and he knew who it was, but he didn't do anything other than bow his head.
She paused looking at him, studying, taking in his crestfallen features and she knew that she hurt him and her dad may as well sliced him in half. She slowly walked up to him, and ducked under a bent arm, sliding her way up his body to meet her lips with his. It was a shocking revelation to feel her warm lips against his mouth, playingwith his tongue.She grasped his shirt and pulled him closer to her against the railing, never breaking their kiss.
"Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you."
He pulled back. "Just sitting here talking to your mom, since she seems to enjoy my company."
Her eyes darkened and he watched as her facial features changed preparing for the fight.
"If you weren't off pouting, I would have enjoyed your company too."
"If you weren't off making the rounds with the ex-boyfriend fiancée fella than maybe you would have had my company," he muttered angrily.
She smacked him in his chest. Hard. He sucked in his breath for that one.
"I brought you here because I didn't want to do this alone, I wanted you to be there with me, not for you to disappear and leave me in there by myself," her features changed again and she was going to pout.
He said nothing and bowed his head.
Yelling at Sandy was about as effective as yelling at a brick. The brick would plainly stare at you and so did he. In time she thought, maybe the brick would actually respond and Sandy would not. Of course in time that's not how it went and eventually he bickered back and forth with her. She liked to think that he had even started some of their arguments. But for now she would have to guilt him and she was good at doing so.
She turned in his arms leaning lightly on her forearms and watched the waves crash upon the moonlight lit beach.
"Fine, than I guess we'll just sit out here all night," she shivered against him.
His lips cascaded down to her shoulders and the way they touched the skin was like a mere apology before he took off his suit jacket and wrapped it around her. His arms were still on either side of her and she leaned heavily back into his embrace while he leaned up and pressed a kiss into her temple.
"You're beautiful," his voice rumbled in her ear and she gave him a smile that could have lit up New York on a blackout, while leaning up to kiss him fully on the lips.
That's when Jimmy decided to make his entrance and their faces fell.
"Hey you two!"
She felt Sandy stiffen and her hand grasped his, "Hey Jimmy."
She introduced them and watched as they seized each other up. Jimmy would be no match for Sandy and again she shivered as the wind blew so Sandy guided her back inside while Jimmy trailed behind them, smirking.
If Sandy thought the evening had already been bad, he was in for a huge surprise.
It was such a blur, he remembered Jimmy flirting with his girlfriend while he stood beside her, he remembered Caleb saying something along the lines of "She's only dating you because she pities you and to piss me off," and then the topper of the night, Kirsten threatened to end it with him.
He had gone down to the beach and she had followed him yelling his name but he wouldn't listen to her.
"Go back to the party Kirsten, go date Jimmy since he's what your father wants."
"I don't care what my father wants."
"Tell me this Kirsten? Are you with me to piss off your father, or cause you pity me?"
When he said those words he instantly regretted them.
"I didn't mean that," he looked apologetically at her.
She simply stared at him. "If you think I would do something as low as that, I think we need to reevaluate our relationship. If you think I pity you Sandy. You're right, as of right now I do. I pity you because you let these assholes get into your head. If you think I say 'I love you,' just to say it, your wrong."
He started to walk away from her and she jumped in front of him.
"Why do you always run away Sandy? Why can't you ever talk about anything? What the hell happened to you so long ago that you can't face it, even with me?" She was angry and she demanded answers. Kirsten Nichol was not someone to mess with.
He stopped.
"Do you want to lose me Sandy? Is that what you want? Cause your about this close to getting it." She held up her fingers showing a scale.
No. No fucking way.
"No," he barely whispered.
"No what?" She was shivering it was damn cold on the beach.
"No, I don't want to lose you. I can't, lose, you," he whispered again taking off his jacket and placing it over her shoulders again.
"Then don't." she replied smiling gratefully at him for the warmth. "Let me in Sandy, I won't hurt you."
He hung his head, "I know."
He was a kid all over again, a foolish kid.
"I'm sorry," he said miserably, his eyes conveying the emotions that his mouth couldn't say.
She didn't say anything but her hands managed to find his shoulders and pulled him close to her shivering body….
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There was more but she coughed and startled him from his daydream of the past. Her hand held his tightly and he realized he had fallen asleep on her bed. He went to stretch and he found that she was looking at him with amused expression on her relaxed face.
"You were dreaming, and from what I could tell it wasn't pleasant."
He grinned and bowed his head, the hair falling in his eyes, "No. Not my most fondest memories."
She smiled. "What time did you get here?"
He looked at her a puzzled expression upon his face, "You don't remember?"
She shook her head, "Should I?"
He shrugged, "You were running a fever honey. Babbling about gnomes," he looked bewildered. "It doesn't matter now," he said dismissing the whole debate, running a thumb over the back of her hand.
What matters is what are we going to do?
She looked at him, the undying question poised upon his lips she could see it flashing through his eyes.
He leaned up and kissed her forehead, "I love you."
The smile she gave him voiced the words she didn't say. She knew it was his way of saying, "I'm sorry for what I'm about to say or do."
"Kirsten. What are we going to do?" The look on his face was painful to watch, how torn he was between losing his wife to cancer, or losing his child because of his own decision was unsettling.
Time to be serious.
"What do you mean, what are we going to do, Sandy?"
"We're going to have to make a decision."
She shifted in her bed and her face turned somber. "There is no decision to make Sandy."
"Yes there is," he was adamant, his voice didn't waiver.
"If you think for one second I'm giving up my child's life for my own than you have another thing coming to you," her voice was stern, her eyes flashing a protective anger.
"It's the only way we can SAVE YOUR LIFE!" His eyes flashed an equal protective rage, only for her.
"My life is not the one we should be worried about here!" She pulled her hand away.
"What about Seth? Hrm? Ryan? Kirsten, WHAT ABOUT ME? Do you even care what WE THINK? What you family thinks? We NEED YOU!" This time his voice broke in tremble and his eyes grew dark with the fear that haunted them.
'I need you.'
"I stand by my decision Sandy, whether you agree with me or not. I will not give up my child."
'She's the only reason you will want to live Sandy why can't you see that?'
He wouldn't look at her and she knew that he had tears in his eyes. She knew he couldn't understand why she had to play the hero when it came to her own life, that he just couldn't understand her decision.
"Sandy," she whispered reaching out as he was pulling away.
He still wouldn't look at her as he pressed a kiss against her forehead and she felt the tears fall from his face to her own cheeks. She was scared.
"Sandy stay with me." The tears burned in her throat as she reached for him.
He shook his head, "I can't. I have to go. I …" he choked barely able to get the words out before struggling out the door. He struggled from her grasp the tears falling faster and faster. His hand slid out from her grasp, until not even their fingertips touched.
"I can't…."
"Sandy…" she took a shaky breath calling after him once the door had swung shut.
Once outside her room Sandy collapsed against the wall, his body dragging down the structure like pancake batter. One hand went into his hair brushing it from his eyes and the other wiped his face from the free falling tears.
Then just as quick as he had fallen down he stood up again. He took the car keys out of his pocket and headed for 'her' car, head down, while the salty tears still fell. His heart pounded in his chest and he would have wanted nothingmore than to feel her arms wrapped around his body and for her to say everything was going to be okay.
But it wasn't.
Starting the luxury vehicle he sat there for a moment or two, trying to collect his thoughts before he peeled out of the parking lot.
Sandy Cohen wasn't much for alcoholism. But the only thing he could think of was taking a shot.
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