Note. To Ally- thanks for always being my first reviewer. And to Brandywine421 for recommeding my fic on Twop always, and making me smile with the words she uses.
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"I didn't think it would end this way."
"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The gray rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all change to silver glass...And then you see it."
"What... See what?"
"White shores... and beyond. The far green country under a swift sunrise."
"Well, that isn't so bad."
"No. No it isn't."
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.
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"Tell them how you made me fall in love with you."
"I smiled at him."
"Watch out for the smile boys."
-Life as a House
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One. Burn. Her beautiful face.
Two. Burn, cringe. Her soft, gorgeous features smiling at him.
Three. Burn, cringe, lemon. The way her body felt against his.
Four. Burn, cringe, cough, lemon, cough. The way she curled up against him when she was sleeping, wrapping her body around his like she would never hold him again.
Five. Burn, cringe, cough, sour face, lemon, sour face, cough. The happiness over Seth and the way he felt in his arms when he was a baby, and the way that he felt when he held them both.
Stop.
Five shots of tequila in five minutes, it burned and tasted like hell.
It would take ten minutes for those five shots to hit his bloodstream and make him woozy, drowsy, and manageable.
It made him forget the pain he was in.
Six. Lemon, frown. Her kiss. God, how tantalizing was her kiss. He shivered at the thought of her soft lips on his, her tongue playing with his, biting his lip, her perfect kiss. He couldn't think of kissing anyone else.
"Hey bud, don't you think you should slow down? The bartender raised an eyebrow.
Sandy pointed to another glass. The bartender sighed but obliged and he poured him another. Sandy tossed his head back dousing it down.
Seven. Lemon, frown, Mmm buzz. The gentle tease of her tongue against his mouth, his neck and chest. Mmm God. The way she could coax himon hisstomach andgo along his shoulder line and move down to his shoulder blades and along his back.He shivered.
Eight. Lemon, horrible taste, and fuzzy feelings. The way her body entangled with his, her arms wrapping securely around his shoulders and pulling him close.
The liquor was in his system now; he could feel the warmth spread from his stomach to his chest. The weightless feeling of his hands as they brushed sluggishly in front of him.
Yeah he was buzzing now. It felt good and Kirsten would kick his ass. He wanted his Kirsten right now, but he knew if he even showed up at the hospital his ass was grass.
Kirsten.
His wife.
His gorgeous, beautiful, loving wife with her dazzling drop-dead killer smile and with the way she knew that smile could melt his heart, the way that she could get anything she wanted from him.
Nine. Plain and simple, BURN. Her. His Kirsten. NOT JIMMY COOPA's. HIS.
"To have and to hold from this day forward to love and to cherish for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part, as long as you both shall live."
"I do."
'Until Death does us part.'
'I do.'
'Well Death, you're knockin' on our fuckin' door, how's it feel. PAL?'
His anger from his youth was about to rear its ugly head if he didn't contain himself.
Ten. Gulp. "I love you, I love you, I love you, and I love you, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou."
He sluggishly got up from the bar and slowly walked over to the furthest booth in the back dark corner the bartender following him with his eyes.
This place was gritty and dark.
Now his whole world was fucking dark.
"Shit. Dammit, I can't drive home now," he whispered to no one. He leaned against the wall of the table, "Dammit." The room spun eagerly. The tequila had done a number on him in a hurry.
He reached in his pocket and dialed Jimmy's number.
Jimmy answered. "Yello?"
"JIMMMMMMMAY."
Jimmy pulled the phone back and checked the caller ID. "Sandy?"
"The one and only," he slurred. "The one and only Sandy Cohen, at your service. Or I guess you're at my service, anyway you owe me. You oweee me Jimm-ee. Hey that rhymes!"
"Sandy? Are you drunk, wait, are you okay?"
"No I'm not drunk and no I'm not okay."
Jimmy paused.
"Where are you?"
"Jimmy. I'm at a bar."
Jimmy cracked a smile and played the drunken game of 'How-do-I-get-information-out-of-you?' "What bar Sandy?"
"Don't know, Jimbo. A bar."
Jimmy shut the door to his apartment and got in his car.
"Sandy, where are you."
Sandy squinted. "Bart-sol-a-mow?"
"Barstow?"
"Yeah. Sure? That's it Jim-bob."
"Okay Sandy, I'm on my way."
Barstow wasn't far away and when Jimmy made it there he stumbled through the darkness and cast a glance to the lone bartender who pointed to the last booth.
"Sandy what the hell's going on with you? Its not even noon."
Sandy stood teetering, "Jimbo, I need you to take me home," he garbled and tossed him the keys to the Rover before grabbing the counter again. "Please?"
Jimmy grabbed Sandy's arm and they made it outside, Jimmy holding up his weight.
"Sandy, where's Kirsten? Did you guys have a fight or Caleb say or do something? What?"
Kirsten. The only word Jimmy would mumble. The only word Sandy could hear, for it was the only word his brain was thinking of.
Sandy turned to him, looking at him with an angry gaze. "Why are the first words out of your mouth always my wife's name?"
"Sandy, I was just asking…."
"YOU ALWAYS FUCKING ASK ABOUT HER. She's always the first word out of your mouth."
Sandy turned on him angrily, almost twenty years of a jealous rage to build on began coming out. There was nothing more dangerous than an angry drunk man in love.
There was nothing more treacherous than jealousy.
"Sandy what's going on?" Jimmy's voice held confusion.
Sandy looked at him his greenish blue eyes filled with tears, "Do you love my wife, Jimmy?"
"Sandy," he countered, "Who doesn't love Kirsten?"
"That's not what I meant, Jimbo, I meant are you still in love with my wife? Truthfully, answer me truthfully."
'I'm a man Jimmy I can handle the unsaid truth.'
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"I couldn't be married to someone who wasn't a man."
"I'm all man." Her smile flashed before his eyes.
------
"Come on Sandy let's get you home."
"Answer me Jimmy," he sluggishly circled him.
"Of course I love her, who doesn't love her?"
Sandy smirked. 'Who doesn't love her?'
"Are. You. STILL. In. Love. With. Her?"
"Sandy we have a past…."
Sandy's fist connected with Jimmy's face. He couldn't dance around the subject anymore and the alcohol combined with his anger, he snapped.
"You had a past Jimmy. HAD, It's past tense. She now has cancer, and she's pregnant with OUR second child. That's her future, Jimmy."
The anger that flew across Jimmy's heated face fell just as quickly when he realized what was going on. Sandy wasn't mad at him, Sandy was mad at the world. He hated everything and he needed someone to take it out on and he used the age-old excuse of past anger. Sandy didn't see the hurt in Jimmy's eyes as he thought that Kirsten was sick with cancer.
"Sandy I'm sorry."
But Sandy had collapsed against the SUV, slouching down against the hard, cold pavement. His tears fell freely and he didn't even attempt to wipe them away.
"I'm sorry too," he whispered.
Till Death do us part….
------
She wiped away the tears that had fallen down her porcelain cheeks. Why did everything with him have to be a fight? Why the hell couldn't he just support her decision?
She was going to give him an ultimatum the next time she saw him.
He was either going to be with her on this decision, no matter how much he hated it. Or they were through.
It hurt her like a knife to even think that thought. To think that there would be no more of them? They were Kirsten and Sandy; they had been together through seventeen years. You didn't say one's name without saying the other.
She wiped away another tear.
Her back was starting to ache; the fever was beginning to flare up again. Her legs were sweating, the shin splints on steroids were coming back burning up her legs, the bones were beginning to throb along with her heartbeat that was pounding in her chest.
'Deep breaths,' she thought to herself.
But she couldn't fight for three people.
She just couldn't.
------
When the last bell rang for school to end, Summer caught Seth.
"Did you call me last night Cohen?" She demanded hands on her hips. He never called. So something was up.
"Um yeah I did. Sorry. I just needed someone to talk to," he looked away.
To Summer, Seth looked un-Seth like. He was paler than normal, he hardly talked today at all and he wouldn't look at her.
"Okay. So talk?" She was supposed to meet Zach in an hour.
"Nothing Summer," he began to walk away.
"What Cohen?"
"Nothing."
"Dammit, Cohen, what the hell did you call for?"
He turned on her, "My mom's sick Summer. Okay? She's sick. My dad's a mess, my mom's sick and I don't know what to do."
She stared at him open mouthed. "When?"
"We found out a few days ago. And she's going to have a baby," he raised his eyebrows in amusement. "She has cancer and she's going to have a baby."
"Seth. Oh… I'm…"
"Yeah your sorry. Everyone is sorry. I'm tired of hearing apologies, my mom, and my dad, Ryan. I just wanted you to know before you heard it from anyone else."
He started walking away, and she followed. His news hit her like a brick.
"Lets go see her, Seth, she's probably lonely," her voice was soft and compassionate. Seth knew Summer always had a soft spot for his mother, because his mother always accepted her, calling her nicknames like 'Sweetie, or Honey.' His mother made Summer feel welcome like she had a home, and Summer had never had that.
Seth paused for a moment, contemplating the idea and then agreed.
"Okay."
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Jimmy struggled with hoisting Sandy up. The older man had more body mass than Jimmy did, in fact he could vouch that Sandy was quite muscular, and stout.
Sandy became semi-conscious when Jimmy lifted him up under his arms and he felt pain rush under the tender flesh. He would probably have bruises there later on.
So he helped him the best he could, the world spinning around him. He wasn't feeling so good; he hoped he could make it home without incident.
When Jimmy shut the door he felt the heat from the seats creep up in him, while the smell of luxury vehicle radiated through and the disgustingly hot feeling made his unsettled stomach lurch and he opened the door and promptly began to get sick.
"Christ Sandy, you're really a mess. Don't get it on the upholstery."
Sandy held up his middle finger to the man who was helping him, the man who he had just punched and was yet still helping him. 'Like you wouldn't be you fucking cock-bag. Your wife only divorced you, mine is dying.'
Jimmy smiled sadly with a memory that lingered in his mind from the past as he watched Sandy's shoulders heave....
They were at some gala and Jimmy had asked her to dance. She looked beautiful tonight, and then he told her he still loved her that he missed her and she smiled sadly at him, casting a loving glance towards Sandy. "I'm in love with him, Jimmy," she told him that night with a look on her face that he knew was set in stone. Those words haunted him, "I'm in love with him, Jimmy."
'I'm in love with him, in love with him, with him, Jimmy, not you, with him. I'm in love with him, Jimmy.'
He smiled at her sadly with those words and the way she said it broke his heart, she had never looked at him that way, and she never said the words with the heated rush as she did with Sandy. The way her eyes danced when she said Sandy's name, the tinge of pink that flushed across her cheeks when he looked at her.
When the song ended he watched her walk up to him and watched as the way that Sandy looked her, she knew that when he looked at her, she was the only person on earth that mattered to him.
Jimmy watched them throughout the night as her father kept giving them dirty looked but she was oblivious to them all. Kirsten only saw Sandy, and Sandy only had eyes for her. She was wrapped in the secure arms of her lover, and she looked as if she had plans of never leaving his secure embrace. Sandy held her close, his hand on the small of her back; her body pressed so close to his, if it hadn't been for the different colors of fabric Jimmy wouldn't have known where one ended and the other began. He frowned as he watched Sandy lean up and kiss her forehead in the tender gesture. He himself had never done that with her and it was obviously appreciated with the look that she gave back to him.
Later that night he had crept out on the patio to get some fresh air, they too were outside, he watched her smile up at him as he refused to kiss her.
Jimmy would give anything to kiss her again, to move his lips upon the gentle rise of her shoulders or to kiss the softness of her neck, or the dark shadows of her collarbone.
Jimmy watched as Sandy kept moving his head away with a huge goofy grin on his face until she entangled her hands with his hair and laced her arms around his shoulders, while his arms came up around her waist supporting her body and he gave in to her request. The way she giggled afterwards about something he said, and the way she turned in his arms to look out over the ocean, leaning back against him. It was the simple things like her leaning back against him that Jimmy pined for again. The way she took for granted that Sandy was going to be there, and the way look of relief that was evident on her body when he held her. The security that Sandy gave to Kirsten was unbelievable and it shown on her face.
The way he reached up and tucked the tendril that had been blowing in his face from the salty air behind her ear and when he leaned down to whisper something that made her face radiate with a smile that Jimmy had never seen before. The way that Sandy smiled and looked at her and how she turned in his arms said "I love you too, Sandy," and the way the wind had carried those precious words to his ears. But it was the way she said them mostly, "I love you Sandy," with passion, with grace, but mostly with full fledged adoration for Sandy, and not him. Her words never radiated with passion when she said, "I love you Jimmy." That had hurt most of all. He may have been her first love, but Sandy was her soul mate.
They were made for each other.
"You know Sandy, Kirsten never loved me the way she's loved you. She never looked at me the way that she did you, she never smiled at me the way she does you, and she certainly never said 'I love you,' the way she does to you. I envy you, I have every single day since I lost her."
Sandy's shoulders heaved again as his stomach revolted. Liquor really sucks coming back up.
"Good to know Jimmy," he whispered between the heaves.
Jimmy cracked a small smile.Guys are so stupid sometimes. He was stupid cause he lost Kirsten. But he was thankful that at least he lost her to a better person.
"Are you done yet? I'm getting hot!"
"Shut up," he whispered weakly.
------
Kirsten expected Sandy to walk through the door, not Seth and Summer. Definitely not Summer.
"Hey guys," she said in her normally happy tone.
"Hey Mrs. Cohen," Summer managed to smile.
"Hey sweetie," she said as Seth came over and sat on the edge of her bed. "Hey mom," he replied weakly. She looked miserable.
"Where's dad?" Seth looked around, expecting him to peek around a corner or something.
"Don't ask." His mothers voice wavered and he knew they had fought.
"The baby?"
She nodded.
"He'll come around Seth. Give him time. This is hard on all of us."
Seth nodded. In the little game they played his mother was the hero, his father the savior and he and Ryan were the super children.
But this wasn't a game anymore.
"So guys, tell me about your day?"
Summer smiled, catching on with the hint,"Sure Kirsten, Today in chemistry…."
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Sandy had passed out on the ride home for which he was grateful. Between the tears and his mumbling for his wife Jimmy almost pulled over and cried himself. The man was a mess, but than again if fate had been twisted and given him the chance to marry Kirsten, he too, would be a mess.
Pulling up to the mansion he opened the door so that he wouldn't have to struggle with it later and Ryan met him.
"I'm glad you're here, I'll probably need some help."
Ryan sighed. He knew this was coming, he just didn't think it was going to be this soon. Maybe it was better this way, he could get it out of his system and they could concentrate on healing.
Both Ryan and Jimmy hoisted Sandy up and he used their shoulders for support and they drug him to the couch where he laid down, more like collapsed.
"Sorry Jimmy. I didn't mean what I said back there," he grumbled.
Jimmy shook his head, "Don't worry about it. I would have probably done the same thing."
Sandy smiled weakly before he passed out on the couch an arm going over his face. Ryan covered him up with a blanket. Walking into the kitchen Ryan went to the freezer to get some ice for the shiner that was developing on his upper right cheekbone.
"He clocked me square."
Ryan smirked, "Sure looks like it."
"Yeah."
Ryan's eyes fell. "He told you about Kirsten?" It wasn't really a question as much as it was a statement. They had all sort of hoped that not to many people would find out, over time they knew it would be impossible to keep, but at least for the time being they prayed for privacy.
Jimmy nodded.
"It sucks," Ryan mumbled.
"You guys will get through this, it'll all be fine, she's strong, you'll see."
Ryan nodded. "Yeah…." His voice held the doubt that everyone thought about.
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Summer continued her story and Seth watched his mom listened and always laughed at the right moments. She always smiled when she needed to; she always gave the right advice when needed. Seth watched as Summer's face was lit up when his mom smiled at her. He wished that he could give her what she needed and wanted most.
In Summer's eyes Seth Cohen's mother was the one she never had, and she would be here every single day from here on out, whether that meant the hospital, or at the Cohen household.
Kirsten was getting tired, her body was drowsy and her head was starting to pound. "I'm sorry to cut this short guys but I'm getting tired…." She smiled weakly and met their eyes.
Summer smiled sorrowfully. Seth frowned. Together they made up 'Happy and Sad.'
"Sure mom, we should be going anyway, you know, schoolwork…."
His mother nodded and smiled faintly.
Seth gave her a quick hug and a grin that she appreciated. He was growing up so fast.
Summer held on longer and Kirsten returned the embrace. "It's okay sweetie, you'll see baby."
Summer just held a grim look on her lovely face. 'No it wasn't.'
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Sandy Cohen was passed out into an oblivion that even the dead were envious of. In his sleep he smiled as the dream he was having was livid inside his head.
The nurse had come in with two needles she needed two more boosters to make the inoculation complete. Her blue eyes got huge and she looked up at her mother apprehensively, her pupils large with fear.
"Mama?" Her little voice cracked and she knew what was coming. Allie hated getting shots and Kirsten hated watching her daughter in pain.
"Only two this time Al, almost done baby."
Her little girl whimpered and Kirsten moved to sit with her on the small child's examining table at the doctor's office.
She quickly curled into her lap and the nurse took the cotton swap and dabbed her arm gentle as Alexandria watched. Her eyes widened as the nurse brought out the needle.
"Allie honey, look at me baby. That's my girl," Kirsten whispered as her daughter turned her gaze from her arm to look into her mothers loving eyes.
"I love you baby-girl," she whispered as the nurse put the needle into her tender skin.
Her daughter's eye's welled with tears as she felt the slight sting from the needle, she whimpered again and buried her head against her mother's shoulder.
"Almost done, Allie, almost done," she whispered.
Her daughter nodded her head and looked at her again, keeping her mothers steady and loving gaze.
The other arm went just as quickly and Kirsten kissed her forehead before wiping away a tear that chased down her cheek. "I'm so proud of you sweetie!"
The little girl whimpered and cuddled closer to her mother as the nurse said they could leave.
Kirsten smiled and tightened her grip on her daughter, as they got ready to leave the office.
"Will Daddy be home?" Her voice was hopeful. He could take away the pain that Mommy had made her endure.
She glanced at her watch, "He should be, sweetie."
Allie nodded, a smile played about her angelic features at the thought. Kirsten reached out and again wiped away the tears that had fallen on her little cheeks.
He was at home waiting for his wife and daughter to walk through the door. His tie was loosened and he had taken off the suit jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Outside he heard the door slam and he listened as Kirsten opened the door and Allie scrambled through.
"Daddy?"
"In here baby-girl."
She ran up to him and the look she had on her little face made him frown. "What's wrong little one?"
"Mommy took me to the doctors and he gave me two shots, it hurt," her bottom lip trembled as she showed him the band-aids on her arms.
He scooped her little body up in his arms and held her close to him, inhaling the innocent smell of her shampoo, "I'm sorry baby. Did it hurt bad?"
She nodded. "Mama's mean, Daddy."
He chuckled and Kirsten cast her family a dark look, "I am not."
Allie nodded her head giving her a look that said 'Yes you are,' as her curls bounced up and down with the rise and fall of her head. She gave her father a pout. He smiled as he kissed her downy temple and she curled up tighter against his chest.
He looked at his wife and she smiled at the two of them. She was Daddy's girl.
She yawned and Sandy smiled, his little girl had a tough day with kindergarten and the doctors, "C'mon kid, you need a bath."
She shook her head 'No.'
"You'll feel better baby-girl," Kirsten gentle used the nickname that Sandy called her so much. She leaned up and softly kissed her husbands cheek.
She shook her head again and Kirsten held out her arms to take her.
"No. I want Daddy." She tightened the grip on her father. He wouldn't make her do anything she didn't want to.
Sandy broke into a grin he loved it when she said that. "All right then kiddo lets get you up to bed."
He held her tightly and she placed her little head on his shoulder. Walking in her room he put her down and grabbed her pajamas. "C'mere ala-Bella," he said helping her out of her clothes and into her PJ's, using her middle name.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah sweetie?"
"Can you leave the light on?" She asked as he held up the blanket and she curled under it. The little night light in the corner glowed.
"Of course baby-girl."
He leaned up and kissed her on the forehead, her little hands grabbed hold of his tie and let it slide through her fingers as he leaned back to look at her. "I love you kiddo."
"I love you too, Daddy," she whispered as her eyes closed.
He kissed her temple again before getting up from the bed and going into his own room where his wife was. He smiled at the sight of her, knowing his daughter was her spitting image.
He walked up to her and kissed her shoulder. "She always makes me out to be the bad-guy."
"You are the bad guy," he teased gently.
"Sandy!"
He grinned at her. She smiled at him and leaned over to brush her lips against his, "I love you."
'I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…'
------
When Sandy woke up he was disoriented, sore and thirsty. Sluggishly getting up from the couch he wandered into the dark kitchen grabbing Tylenol and drinking some water. He turned on a light in the kitchen and when he glanced out the window he could see his own reflection.
He looked like hell had run him over, and he felt like it to. Unshaven, his hair askew, the paleness of his face standing out, the redness of his eyes he could even see.
He felt like an asshole. He shouldn't have left when she pleaded with him not to. And he understood her decision now more than anything. He wanted that little girl in his life, but he wanted his wife too, he didn't want to have to choice or to have a higher power choose for him.
He didn't want anything to go wrong.
He ran a hand over his face and sighed. He wanted to go to the hospital to be there with her, but she probably wouldn't want to see him.
He had to try.
------
He arrived at her hospital room hair disheveled from his shower that he had taken. He looked around the room his eyes falling on the bed, she was sleeping, the pale glow of the hospital lights danced on her exhausted features.
He truly felt like the biggest asshole. How could he leave her like this? She was hurting, she was sick, she was pregnant and he left her.
Till Death do you part….
He walked in and walked up to her kissing her forehead and grabbing her hand. She pulled away from him.
"Get out Sandy."
The look on his face was pure shock and hurt.
"Kirsten I'm sorry."
"No Sandy. I can't do this," her voice trembled. 'I can't do this without you. Don't listen to me. Don't leave me.'
"Kirsten, listen to me. I want to be there with you through this. I need to be," his hands shook.
"No. Get out." She looked anywhere but him.
"Honey, please just-?"
"I can't fight with you Sandy. I can't. I just can't do it. I can't fight for you, and myself, and fight for her too, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," tears fell down her cheeks in hurried streams.
He stood there, his world about to crash down around him all because he was scared wouldn't face it. Now he was terrified.
"I don't want to fight with you Kirsten," his voice shook.
She didn't want him around, nothing hurt worse than that. He may as well been cut in two, the ache and fear that ran through him shook him to the core of his being.
He went to kiss her again and she moved away from him.
"Don't touch me Sandy. Just go, please go," she put a hand up to her mouth to stifle the tears.
He stood there looking helplessly at her, wondering whether he should go or just sit there and stay. But the look on her face said he should, and the look in her normally loving blue eyes said he should. The way her body defied him, screamed, 'You should go.' The only thing begging him not to go was her conscious it screamed, 'Stay with me, Stay with me, don't leave me, I can't do this by myself, Stay with me, Stay with me.'
"GO. Sandy, just go," she pleaded with him. Don't leave me.
The heartbroken look on his face tore her heart to shreds. He knew he was wrong, he knew it, and he wanted her forgiveness and to be there with her, because he was just hurting too. But what if more bad news came, he couldn't run off pissed to the world because of what was happening. She knew deep in her heart he wouldn't now. He was here to stay. He was always with her, no matter what, he eventually supported what she had to do. Sometimes it just took him a while because of how much he loved her.
"GO SANDY." She broke into a sob. I love you, I love you, I'm scared, don't leave me. Please don't leave me.
He turned to go, pausing in the doorway to watch her.
She broke down completely her whole body wracking some guilt shuddering sobs. Her hands covered her face as the tears streamed down them freely. "I'm sorry," he heard her whisper, "I love you, I'm so sorry." Her body trembled and shook and all he wanted to do was go make everything better. He wanted everything to be fine he wanted to put it all back together again.
He bent his head as his own cheeks flushed. "I'm sorry too," he whispered knowing she was unable to hear him. "I love you so much."
"To have and to hold from this day forward to love and to cherish for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do you part, as long as you both shall live."
"I do."
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