I know I put that Matrix quote in another chapter, but I want to make sure that you guys kinda get that they're not having dreams just to have them.They sorta signify a choice that one has made. Kirsten has the belief that she'll sacrifice her life for her child's and that's the only way it will go. Sandy, has the hope, the faith, that both will make it through. That's why he sees her in his. But in her own, she doesn't exist. Get it? Kinda? Maybe? I dunno. That's the way I'm going about it. I tried to make this one not so, depressing, as seeing the holidays are around the corner. Oh how awesome was Kirsten tossing that vase at her dad's head. Then when she came out for Ryan, and those words of, "Don't tell Sandy I came out for you, okay?" and her voice broke. That was so awesome. Anyway, Revvvvvvvvvvvviews pllllllllllease. You'll make my day!!! You guys are awesome!!!!
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"We can never see past the choices we don't understand."
--The Oracle, The Matrix Reloaded.
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Two people only hurt each other if they doubt the love they have for one another.
-Dogville.
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"Some days your mother and I loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next."
-Just Married.
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Seth hunkered down in his bed, almost sadly ashamed at what he saw. His parents door was open and he had went to see how his mother was doing and froze in the doorway at the sight of her barely supporting herself hunched over the toilet heaving to the point where even he cringed.
He was scared.
He watched as she got sick again and then his father brushed passed him almost knocking him over in his rush to get to her. When he watched as he moved behind her to support her and the way she clung to him, the contorted look on her face as pain hasty rushed through her body like a locomotive, he almost lost it. It almost made him ill so he turned away, ashen faced and walked to his room like a zombie.
Even though they had been fighting, and she had kicked him out of her room, his father never let her down. He could only hope that if he ever got married he could have his parents love. His father never let any of them down.
Not knowing what to do he slipped into his bed, hunkering down like he used to when he was five and couldn't find the voice to yell for his Dad to come chase the demons away. Tears silently steamed down his face as he cried. He bawled like a baby, he didn't care, because the one person who meant the most to him in the world was dying and there was nothing he could do other than stand by and watch.
He felt helpless and nothing hurt more than to feel that way.
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It was close to two-thirty when her fever finally broke and the constant shivering began because of her soaked clothes. He was still awake, watching, waiting for something, occasionally she would moan in her sleep and his hand would gently cascade down her back, or run through her hair, anything to calm her.
It was two forty-five when he woke her up because her clothes were covered in sweat from the fever and she was beginning to shiver.
She woke up togentle kisses upon her shoulders and soft whisper's of "Hey baby, wake up."
She was confused and looked at him drowsily. "What, Sandy?" She murmured sleepily wanting to just roll over and fall back into the blissful state.
He simply tugged at her shirt and she groaned. Soaking wet yet again.
"This is so gross. So icky, God, I feel like I live in that Stephen King book."
He smiled. And for the first time in a long time her returning smile wasn't one that was in pain.
"What do you want?" He motioned to the closet.
'Something comfy, that doesn't stick to me. I want your clothes.'
"A T-shirt of yours."
He poked his head back out of the closet. "Mine?"
She nodded is the dimly lit bedroom, a blond tendril falling into her face.
"Hmm," he mumbled as he shrugged his shoulders and went back to searching and pulled one of the hangers. It was a newer T-shirt but it worked, she looked so damn sexy in his clothes.
He held it up and she shook her head. "No, no, the faded blue one, that you always wear after surfing."
He gave her a questionable look, "But that's my favorite," he whined.
"But it's so soft and it always smells like you no matter how many times Rosa washes it," she pouted back and he gave in.
"Fine," he joked with a bashful smile as he brought it to her.
She smiled, another genuine pain free smile. His heart fluttered lightly.
She stood up slowly and stretched. Oh it felt so good, the stiff muscles were yelling, 'Thank the Lord we can breathe again.'
Her stomach muscles hurt the worst however but when she leaned back they too, enjoyed the stretch and Sandy enjoyed the view.
He raised an eyebrow to what she was doing out of bed.
"I want a bath, a hot one. I'm gross."
Icky. Blah. Disgusting. Sweaty. There was nothing worse than being sweaty. As Summer would say, "Ew!"
He gave her a confused look before clucking his tongue and turning into their bathroom to draw it for her, anything for her.
Anything to ease her pain and make things go smoothly.
Steam rose and fell from the tub and there were bubbles as well. She smiles at the site of bubbles, the simplicity of bubbles and the colors that the oils held in the rounded shape. If you looked close enough the oils you could see the colors of pink and purple, blue, green, and even maybe yellow, if you were lucky. She hadn't taken a bubble bath in what seemed like forever. He leaned on the frame of the doorway, his cheek resting on his hand and he watched her.
He watched as she pinned her blond hair up on her head, so not to get it wet.
He gazed at her as she unzipped her jeans and shrugged them off over her slender hips, the muscles in her arms working as the jeans were now putting up a fight since they were damp.
'Mmm okay, turn away now, tuuuuurn away.'
He grinned to himself as he walked away from his stripping wife. She was still gorgeous as ever, even if she was a little on the thin side and throwing up all the time.
He went downstairs into the kitchen glancing at the clock as it read 3:24 am. He sighed softly to himself, grabbing a glass of water and her pain and nausea medication. He really, really did not want a repeat of what happened earlier.
It scared the shit out of him.
No, it had done worse than that. It terrified him. The kind of scared that you don't think straight, where you hold your breath and don't even realize it until you let it out.
He was that scared.
He sighed again. It was pushing close to almost a whole day without sleep and it was starting to wear him down. His body was starting to ache from sitting in odd positions throughout the night and from being physically drained.
Walking up the steps through the foyer and into the bedroom he was greeted by the site of two blue eyes hinting over a cloud of white fluffy bubbles, eyes that held exhaustion and love, but no pain.
He wordlessly handed her the two pills and the glass of water and she smiled her thanks to him.
She tossed her head back, swallowed and handed him back the glass which he placed upon the sink and took a seat on the edge of the toilet seat and dangled his hand into the warm water, watching as bubbles and water swirled about.
He smiled lazily at her and found her hand under the water and squeezed it. "I'm gonna go lay down honey."
She nodded and gave him one of her dazzling smiles.
He closed the door gently behind him and she waited until she could hear the bed shift slightly under his weight and a sigh coming from the room as his exhausted body finally rested on the comfortable mattress. He was so tired, and so worn out. She treated him sohorribly and it still shown in his eyes that she had hurt him. Yet, when she needed him the most, he never let her down.
She bit her bottom lip as it started to tremble and tears crept into her eyes. She hastily wiped them away.
'Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.'
Her tears continued to fall down her cheeks and she didn't know if it was because she wasn't in pain, and her pleas had been answered or if it was just her thoughts. Maybe it was the guilt and fear if she left the three other people who lived here in the house, the fear of dying. Maybe it was the fact that she told Sandy to leave to get away from her and when she needed him most, he came back. She could be so ignorant to him and yet he was always there. It was the unconditional love that you can only read about, or watch in movies. Earlier when her body was in such severe pain that fear had crept up into the back of her mind as she told him she loved him.
She did. She loved him so much, and having that pain, made her realize again how lucky she was.
Then there had been the pain that roared up her spine and back that positively frightened her. Nothing had ever hurt so bad, if she hadn't been on the floor at the time, it would have brought her down to her knees in a heartbeat.
'Give us this day our daily bread, Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.'
Her muscles were good and loose now, her body relaxed finally. The tension was out of her back and shoulders and she stretched again enjoying the feeling of not being cramped in a ball. Her back ached but it was a dull minor throb from being in such pain earlier.
The water was getting cold.
Rising from the tub the water ran off her exquisite body and she found the air was chilled against her dripping wet skin. Wrapping a towel around her she smiled as Sandy had placed his blue shirt along with a pair of his pajama pants on the toilet seat within ease reach.
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He changed his clothes into boxers and an old New York t-shirt. He tried staying up to wait for her to come out of the bathroom and he tried to pretend he didn't hear her muffled sobs.
His heart broke for her.
He contemplated going in there, but then he realized she needed some 'Me' time. So he eased onto the bed, laying on his back, and yawned. His eyelids drooped and he fell asleep within moments.
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He was about to walk out the door to go surfing when his daughter bounded down the hallway and stopped him.
"Daddy, where you going?" Those big blue eyes stared up at him.
"…Surfing…?" He said as he ruffled her hair.
"I want to go."
"Allie…." She had wanted to go for a while and asked him almost every morning. Kirsten was against it.
He sighed, "How about we go swimming in the ocean?"
Her face lit up, "Okay," she said excitedly and ran up to her room to change.
He sighed he had really wanted to go surfing today. But than again he would get the chance to spend with his little girl and that was worth missing a day of surfing. It was summer vacation and she was bored without school and something to do.
She clambered down the stairs moments later ready to go.
He pointed to up the stairs, "Go tell your mother where we're going."
She gave him a look and pouted, her mother hated when she went in the ocean.
Both of her parents had made sure she understood that she was not allowed in the water unless someone else was in there already. Physically in there. In case of an undertow or something her father knew it was to powerful for his daughter.
Peeking in she approached her mom who was still sleeping. "Mama?"
Kirsten opened her eyes.
"Hey Allie-girl," she whispered sleepily. "What's wrong?" She asked reaching out for her daughter.
"Nothing…Daddy's going to take me swimming, in the ocean!"
Kirsten could see the excitement radiate off her face as she pulled Allie against her tightly for a hug, "He is, is he?"
She nodded and Kirsten placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. She scrambled off the bed and tossed her mother a look.
"All right Allie, I'll be down in a minute, My Little Miss Impatient," she grinned at her beautiful daughter. She definitely had Sandy's enthusiasm, and love for water.
Bounding back down the stairs to the kitchen and her father she looked up at him.
"Well," he winced, his voice dipping low.
"She said she's coming down," she huffed.
He nodded his head figuring he was in for a lecture.
But Kirsten pleasantly surprised both of them when she donned on her black swimsuit and grabbed some towels.
"I didn't know you meant actually coming ala-Bella," he said.
She shrugged her shoulders. She didn't know either.
"You guys ready?" Kirsten asked as she had beach towels in her hand.
Alexandria nodded enthusiastically. "We've been ready!"
Sandy broke into a grin and shook his head. He wished he had half of her energy.
Going down to the private beach she rushed ahead of them and then waited as they got settled, placing the towels about and chatting mildly but curiosity got the best of her and she was about to step in the water when her fathers deep booming voice stopped her cold.
"ALEXANDRIA Bella Cohen."
Uh-oh, her full name, and there was no Ala before Bella like he normally says, that meant she was in trouble. She peeked over her shoulder and her father pointed to his feet. She bowed her head and walked slowly back to him.
"What are the rules, young lady?"
"Not to go near the ocean unless someone is already in it," she mumbled looking like Seth did when he was in trouble, mouth slightly agape, her blue eyes were remorseful. "Sorry Daddy."
"It's okay, but honey, this isn't the pool, okay? You could get hurt."
She nodded and he tossed his shirt near where his wife settled. She looked at him like, 'Gee thanks.'
They started walking toward the bluish green water and Sandy went in first, diving headfirst to counter the wave and popping up beyond it and looked at her. Suddenly his headstrong daughter was a little frightened.
He swam back and held out his hands which she grabbed hold of tightly as he pulled her against him in enough time to hold her to his chest and turn his back on the wave that crashed around them.
She giggled and continued to hold on firmly as her father ventured out to where he had enough footing but it was deep enough for her to swim and the waves weren't crashing around them because it wasn't shallow enough.
"Well go on, you begged me to bring you out here and now you won't let go," he grinned loosing his grip on her and smiling like a maniac when she still clung on to him as another bigger wave was coming. He moved back in the water a few feet so he would have more leverage against the ocean and dipped low enough into the water to where it looked like the wave would crash over them.
She laughed as he threatened to dip her low enough as if the wave would sweep her away and then pulled her against him at the last second.
"Daddy no!" she shrieked with laughter as he held her against him and dipped his body lower, she thought he was actually going to let that big wave sweep her away.
He beamed as she clung tightly to him, her child-like innocent belief that nothing could happen to her while she was with her father. He pressed a kiss into her temple.
Kirsten grinned broadly as she watched Sandy and Allie. The way he dipped her down low as the water rushed towards them, the way she giggled with her father and clung so tightly to him. Then there was Sandy, whose strong arms were safely around her and she didn't think he could smile any larger.
But mostly Kirsten smiled at the fact that he never let her fall. Never once did Sandy's grip slip on her, no matter how hard the wave hit, and that's why Allie felt so safe with her father, because he would never let her down.
A little while later they came out of the ocean, Allie was shivering it wasn't quiet ten in the morning so the sun had yet to warm the air.
Kirsten held out a huge beach towel and wrapped the towel and her arms around her, pulling her down, smiling as her daughter giggled and struggled lightly before settling down in her lap and resting her head on her mother's shoulder.
Sandy smiled, if he had a camera it would have been the perfect picture.
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When she came out of the steam filled bathroom she smiled lovingly at her husband. He was sound asleep on his back with his hair askew.
She sighed softly as her weary body crawled into bed. She moved her body until she was comfortable. She heard him sigh and felt him shift with her, an arm sliding around her waist.
Seventeen years, some things never changed.
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Seth walked along the beach with the waves crashing and running up to meet his feet. He glanced up and the moon was full, shedding its soft light upon the naked beach.
It was eerily quiet.
He liked it though, this way he could think.
Looking up at the ramp he stood at the familiar lighthouse that had come to be his friend when solitude was needed. Of course someone always managed to interrupt but that was okay with Seth too, because by then his head was ready to explode with thoughts and he needed to ramble to someone before it drove him mad.
His mother was dying, and she refused to listen to anyone that she should abort the baby.
'Fine, that's fine. That's her decision, we should respect that, and I do. I do respect her decision. But I don't want her to die.'
Seth sat bummed out in the sand, the wind crashing around him carrying little bits of sand with it. He watched a seashell almost get covered up by it.
Ryan plopped down in the sand beside him.
"What's up man, why are you out here at like four am?" He said rubbing his arms to ward off the chill.
"Why are you out here at like four am?" Seth looked at him bewildered.
"I saw you leave," he replied simply.
"Oh."
Ryan shrugged his shoulders as he cast a glance out to the ocean. "So?"
"Nothing. It's nothing."
"What's the matter, Captain Oats not giving you enough guidance, you had to come out here?" He joked. Seth was in an odd mood this early morning. In fact, lately, Seth was always in an odd mood.
"I watch my mom grab onto my father's jeans to the point where her knuckles were turning white. I watched as she whimpered and writhed in the worst pain I've ever seen. And I stood there, frozen and there was nothing I could do. I was scared, for her, for the baby, for my dad that rushed on by. It… I don't know. It was just scary. There was nothing I could do..."
Ryan sat and contemplated what Seth was saying. He had seen her in pain too. But not white knuckled pain Seth was describing.
"She'll be fine Seth--" Optimism was Ryan's only chance, he had to try and help convince Seth she would be okay.
"Well what if she isn't? Huh, Ryan? What are we going to do without her? What are we going to do if she dies? That will destroy us, our family, it will destroy my father. I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to die. I don't want to see my dad fall apart," he angrily wiped away a stray tear. "I don't want to see us fall apart."
"Me either," Ryan whispered softly, knowing Seth was right.
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She lay awake and watched Sandy sleep. Long ago she crept back into bed against him and just listened to him breath. She felt him tremble and looked at his features that now cringed and the look of anguish was on his face.
"Shh, Sandy," she whispered soothingly reaching up and brushing her hand against his cheek, running it through his unruly hair.
Sandy normally slept through the night and he very rarely ever had nightmares.
But then again, she supposed they were all having nightmares.
She reached for his hand and brought it his chest where she placed her own inside of his, entwining their fingers together and she head him sigh softly and move his body so he was closer to hers.
She smiled at the fact that she could still give him comfort. She didn't know how long that was going to last, for any of them.
She closed her eyes and began to drift to sleep. She needed her rest.
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By the time Ryan had dragged Seth from the beach the sun was coming up. They had just sat there in silence for hours.
Walking through the front they were greeted by Kirsten who poked her head around the corner and relief rushed across her features.
"Thank God," she said, using that same voice when she had hauled Seth from the pool house. 'The motherly where-have-you-been-I've-been-worried-sick, you're in big trouble voice.'
She put both arms around them and feeling their chill she pulled back.
"Are you guys okay? Let me, here, come sit, are you okay?"
Seth stared at her. "Mom?"
She was still fussing over him when he said it a little louder. "Mom? Mom stop." He looked down at her, tears falling in his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine Seth, what?" She was confused.
His eyes cast to Ryan who returned his look that said, 'I'm not getting involved.'
"Are you okay?" He repeated.
She smiled weakly, "I'm fine…? Why?"
"I saw you last night, and I wanted to know how you're feeling now?"
She looked away guiltily; she had been trying to shield her son of the worst, to protect him because that's what mothers do.
She shook her head. "Okay. I'm okay Seth. Just a little sore," she looked at him meekly.
He nodded and took a step fore ward, pulling her into a hug. "I love you Mom."
She held back a choked sob, "I love you too, Seth," she said mumbling from his shirt.
He smiled at her when he pulled back.
"Okay?"
She grinned back at him, "Okay."
"So we're not in trouble anymore?" Ryan spoke up.
Seth cast him a dark glance, like 'Dude, c'mon!'
He shrugged his apology.
"No boys, I suppose you're not. But don't you ever pull a stunt like that again without telling one of us first!"
They grinned as they started walking back to the kitchen, Ryan, Kirsten and then Seth. Her arms around both of them.
Maybe they would be okay after all.
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