East of the Sun and West of the Moon

by Perhin

Samwise must go all over to find his Hobbit Prince who lives east of the sun and west of the moon! SLASH!

Author name: Elgato Gamgins

Pairing: Frodo/Sam Merry/Pippin

Rating: Light R

Category: Humor/Romance

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing.

Credits: Thanks to my lovely beta, Suzafroda!

Author's Note: This was written for Karadin's Hobbit Fairytale challenge.

Once upon a time, down the road from under the Hill,
there was a small smial. Inside it lived a poor tavern
owner, who had many children. Hobbits were known of
their big families, but this one outdid even the
largest of Hobbit clans. Being poor, the tavern owner
couldn't supply for his numerous children, and was
willing to do anything to become rich.

All of his children were fairly attractive or had
good charisma, but one in particular had the best
charisma and most pleasant facial features. His name
was Samwise, and many confused suitors wished for his
hand in marriage.

Then one Wednesday, a particularly large Eagle flew
to the Hobbit village. He came to the tavern owner's
door and knocked three times. After the third knock,
the tavern owner answered.

"Hello!" said the Eagle. He smiled as best an Eagle
could smile and fluffed his feathers a little.

"Hello," replied the Hobbit. "Is there any
particular reason you're here? Not another 'wolf and
pinecone' accident is there?"

"Oh, heavens no! I wish to have your youngest son is
all. If you give him to me, you will be richer than
you can imagine!'

The Hobbit considered this. He had plenty of
children, and giving up one wouldn't be much of a
loss. There would be fewer clothes to clean, and less
fights over the remote control. He nodded his head,
and said to the Eagle, "I accept your offer, but I
must ask my son first. "

The son was against leaving with the bird. Afraid of
the Eagle's talons and risking the money, the tavern
owner said that his son give the Eagle his answer the
next Wednesday. The week went by and sure enough the
Eagle was there outside the smial, lightly tapping on
the door with his beak. Sighing, Sam agreed and left,
carrying the few belongs he owned in a bag.

Being careful not to step on anything the wrong way,
the boy climbed on the back of the Eagle slowly. After
he was seated, the Eagle turned and asked,

"Are you afraid?"

"No," he replied.

Smiling as best an Eagle could smile, he took off.
They flew for a long, long time. The cold air blew
about them, and at times Sam felt as though he was
going to fall right off the Eagle's back and to the
ground.

After many days and many nights, the two came to a
snowy mountain. With his beak, the Eagle knocked on it
five times. After the fifth knock, the door on the
mountain opened. Inside was a palace made of gold and
emeralds; gold and emerald walls, gold and emerald
mirrors, and even gold and emerald drinking glasses.
Handing Sam a small plastic clapper, the Eagle flew
off, but not before telling the boy that if he needed
anything to clap the clapper and he shall have it.
After a long flight, Sam was hungry so he clapped
himself a meal. He finished and slumber soon came upon
him. He clapped and found himself in a bedchamber.

Blowing out the light, Sam laid back on the pillows.
Not long after, he noticed a Man entering the room.
The person lifted the covers and snuggled next to
Samwise. Sam longed to see this mysterious Man, and he
reached for the lamp, but was pulled back.

"You cannot see me in the light." It was the Eagle!
But he was a Man! Sam nodded and hugged his new bed
partner. They stayed like that for a few moments. Sam
yelped as his new bed mate hugged him in a new spot,
but soon calmed down and enjoyed the hugs.

The next morning, Sam found that he was by himself.
He frowned. Sam went about his days clapping and
wandering about the never-ending palace. And every
night, the Man came to sleep with Sam. Not having any
contact with anyone besides a Man who snuck into his
bed every night, Sam became very lonely, and wished to
see his family again, all thirty-five of them. So, one
afternoon, Sam came upon the Man in Eagle form.

"I miss my family," Sam started, "all thirty-five of
them."

The Eagle nodded. "You may see them. But! Your
mother will wish to see you alone-"?
"What?"

"-to talk to you. You cannot do that, as it will
cause harm for you and me. I will take you there. But
heed my warnings!"

They flew for many days and many nights, and once
again Sam almost fell off. Eventually, they came to a
large smial. And even though all of Sam's sisters and
brothers were at least seven years older than him,
they were all running and laughing outside acting like
very small children. As soon as Sam departed from the
Eagle he was surrounded by his large family, and they
all went in to have a merry second breakfast.

And just as the Man said, Sam's mother wished to
speak to him alone. Sam declined and said, "Whatever
you can say to me, can be said out here." But being
smart, like all mothers, Sam soon found himself alone
with her. After a long talk, the topic of the Eagle
came, and Sam told how he was an Eagle by day and a
Man by night. His mother was worried about the Man,
but Sam assured her that he was short, and that he
wasn't very large. The mother sighed with relief, but
had to comfort her son, who began to cry.

"I can never look at him as a man. He won't allow
it!"

"He might be a Dwarf... but there is a way," his
mother said. "I will give you one of my candles and
you shall hide it in your trousers. When he is asleep,
light the candle and take a quick look. Be careful not
to let the wax fall!"

Sam took the candle and did as he was told. A few
days later, the Eagle came, and Sam left with him.
After many days and many nights, they soon arrived at
the mountain again. Day passed into night, and sure
enough, the Man climbed into bed with Sam. He went to
sleep quickly, and Sam sighed.

Sam took the candle out of his trousers and lit it.
The Eagle was not a Man. He was a Hobbit! A Hobbit so
beautiful that Sam fell in love with him instantly,
and wished to kiss him. As he leaned over to kiss his
new love, three drops of wax fell onto the Hobbit. He
awoke and said, "What have you done? If you had held out your pervy Hobbit lusting for a year, I would be free! I am a Prince,
and my evil stepmother, Lobelia, has put a curse on
me, so I'm an Eagle by day and a Hobbit by night. Now
I must go and marry a princess who is three feet
taller than me."

Sam cried and said, "Can I go with you?"

"No." He shook his head in dismay.

"Perhaps I can go on my own."

"You may try, but there is no way you can go. I live
east of the sun and west of the moon, and there is no
way you could find your way there. "

When Sam awoke the next morning, the palace and the
prince were gone, and all he had was the bag of
belongings he had taken with him. He cried and cried,
and dried his eyes. He stood and walked many, many
miles in no direction in particular. It was a long,
long walk, and one day he came upon a smial.

Outside the smial sat an old Hobbit smoking on his
pipe. Sam asked the old Hobbit if he knew the way to
the Hobbit Prince who lives with his evil stepmother,
who lives in a great smial east of the sun and west of
the moon, and who was to marry a princess three feet
taller than him. Cocking an eyebrow, the old Hobbit
asked, "How do you know of the Prince? Perhaps you are
the one to marry him, even though the gay marriage act
has not been passed."

"Yes, I am!" Sam answered.

"All I know is that he lives in the great smial that
is east of the sun and west of the moon, and it will
be a long way there, and it will take even longer to
reach it, but you may borrow my pony, and you may ride
it until you come to the smial of my neighbor, Pippin.
Maybe he knows more than I do about the Prince. When
you get there, tap the pony behind the left ear, and
he will come home. You may also take my pipe. It may
be of use to you."

So Samwise rode the pony for many, many days, and
at last he came to a smial with an old Hobbit sitting
outside drinking a tankard of ale. As before, Sam
asked the old Hobbit if he knew the way to the Hobbit
Prince who lives with his evil stepmother who lives in
a great smial east of the sun and west of the moon,
and who was to marry a princess three feet taller than
him. The old Hobbit thought for a moment and said,
"All I know is that he lives in the castle that is
east of the sun and west of the moon, and it will be a
long way there, and it will take even longer to reach
it, but you may borrow my pony, and you may ride it
until you come a smial of my closest neighbor, Merry.
Maybe he knows more than I do about the Prince. When
you get there, tap the pony behind the left ear, and
he will come home. You may also take my tankard. It
may be of use to you."

Sam's eyebrows went sky high. "Why would a tankard of
ale be useful to me?"

Pippin sighed. "I'm not the writer. Don't ask me. No
be off you!"

So once again, Sam rode the pony for many, many
boring, funless, cable-televisonless days, until he
came upon a smial with an old Hobbit sitting outside,
polishing his sword. As before, Sam inquired the old
Hobbit about the Prince and his whereabouts. Merry
looked up from his sword shining, and said, "Perhaps
you are the one to marry him, even though you can only
get married in Lothlórien."

Sam looked at him funny. "Why Lothlórien?"

"Because all of the gay Elves!" he exclaimed. "They
live forever and only mate one out of two times during
their endless life, it's not like they're sitting
together like old hags. Didn't you know that the
greatest gay dance clubs are in Lothlórien?"

"Really? I mean no, I didn't know that."

"Anyway, the great smial is east of the sun-"

"I know that!" said Sam. "I've been told that two
times already by your boring neighbors."

"Pippin's not boring in bed. Rowar!" A dreamful look
came upon Merry's face. Sam coughed, and Merry shook
his head and said, "Well, besides the information you
already know, it will be a long way there, and even
longer to get to it, but you may borrow my pony, and
you shall ride until you come to the Blue Istar, and
ask him. Maybe he knows the way and will take you
there. When you arrive there, tap the pony behind the
left ear and it will come home. You may also take my
sword-"

"Ahhh!"

"Not that one! That's saved for Pippin. I mean the
metal one. It may of use to you. "

Sam took the sword and rode for many, many days, and
finally he came to the Blue Istar and asked him if he
knew the way to the Hobbit Prince who lives east of
the sun and west of the moon. The Istar thought for a
moment and said, "I have heard of the Prince and of
the great smial he lives in, but I do not know the
way. As I am the Blue Istar, I've been to only a few
areas of Middle-Earth, but maybe my brother the Brown
Istar will know as he's been to more places than I."
So they walked for many, many days and many, many
nights and finally the two came to the Brown Istar.
The Brown Istar was having a nice little chat with a
rabbit when the two came upon him, and he was rather
disappointed to leave the woodland creature. The Blue
Istar told of the Hobbit Prince who should marry Sam,
who lives in a great smial east of the sun and west of
the moon, and that Sam was trying to find him, and
wished to know if the Brown Istar knew the way. The
Brown Istar thought for a moment and said, "I do not
know the way, as I am the Brown Istar and have only
been to the forests of Middle-Earth. Maybe our brother
the Grey Istar knows the way, as he is more powerful
and is better with maps than either of us. If you
wish, I will accompany you."

And they did just that. Samwise and the Brown Istar
walked for many, many days and many, many nights, and
sadly for Sam they did not stop at an Inn 6. Finally,
they came upon the Grey Istar, who was smoking a pipe.
Sam marveled at his pointy hat and asked, "Can you do
any tricks with your pointy hat?"

The Grey Istar coughed and said, "You are not to
know of that!"

The Brown Istar told his brother that this was the
Hobbit to marry the Prince of the castle that is east
of the sun and west of the moon (despite the costs for
a trip to Lothlórien). The Grey Istar said, "Oh,
really? That's delightful!"

"Yes, it is," said Sam. "But I do not know the way. Do
you?"

"No. I have been to many places, including
Rivendell-"

"What's so special about Rivendell?" Sam asked.

The Grey Istar leaned close to Sam and whispered,
"Nude Beaches."

Sam gasped.

"Exactly! Even though I have been to many places, I
have never been that far."

Sam frowned. He was tired of going to other gay
Hobbits and to men who wore odd clothing. He wondered
how many more brothers there were, and if their colors
included pink and magenta.

"But, our brother, the White Istar, is the oldest and
has been the farthest of any of us. If you wish, I
will accompany you. "So the two walked many, many days
and many, many nights, and poor Sam had to suffer
horrible roadside attractions, such as the Largest
Palantir and the Electric Staff of Angmar. Finally,
they came upon the White Istar. He sat on a golden
chair and before they were even close, he grew angry,
and yelled, "What do you want?"

Sam hid behind the Grey Istar as he said, "This is
your brother from way afar; if you don't listen to me
I'll steal yo' car."

Truth be told, the White Istar was impressed with his
brother's rapping skills, and said, "You did well,
little brother, now what is it that you want?"

"This is the Hobbit who should marry the Prince who
lives in the great smial that is located east of the
sun and west of the moon. Sh- he has come from a long
way away, and he wishes to know if you know how to get
to the great smial."

The White Istar stood and said, "I know the way. I
once chased an orc there, but I was so tired that I
had to rest in a crummy Inn 6 for days. They didn't
even have room service! If you really want to go
there, and you're not afraid of my long nails, I will
take you."

"I'm not afraid, and I must get there before he is
married!"

"All right! We shall go! But you must rest here
tonight, for if we're to go there we must have the day
before us."

The next morning the White Istar woke Sam and they
set out. Sam held onto the White Istar's hand tightly,
as he ran faster than any of the other Istari, and as
he ran dust blew behind him. Many trees and houses
were covered in dust which took five days to dust off
(with very large dusters), and when he ran over the
seas and oceans ships were drowned in water. They went
along like this, with Sam clinging to the Istar's
hands and the White Istar scaring ships below. It was
when they were over a large sea that the Istar became
tired. He began to slow down, and Sam's feet touched
the water.
?"Are you afraid?" the White Istar called.

"I have no fear!"

They were very close to land, and the Istar had enough
power to throw Sam onto the sand, and right behind him
was the great smial east of the sun and west of the
moon.

The next morning, Sam sat under a window of the great
smial smoking the pipe that had been given to him.
Someone coughed. He looked up from his spot and
standing before him was the maiden who was six feet
tall (who was clearly an Elf), and who was to marry
the Hobbit Prince. She stared at Sam for a good few
minutes and said, "I wish to have your pipe."

"My pipe!" Sam exclaimed. "Women smoke here?"

"This is a democracy! Of course women smoke here!" She
calmed down and said. "How much money do you want for
it?"

"It can't be bought for gold or money."

"Then what can I buy it with?"

"Well, if I give you this pipe, I wish to sleep with
the Prince tonight."

The maiden nodded her head. "You may do that." So that
night Sam went into the Prince's bedchamber. The
Prince was asleep, as the Princess had arranged. Sam
shook the Prince. He talked to him and cried but Sam
could not wake him, no matter how hard he tried. He
sighed and cried himself to sleep. The next morning he
sat under the same window and drank out of the tankard
that had been given to him. As before, the Elf maiden
came to him and asked for the tankard.

"Women drink here as well!" Sam said. He received a
cross glare from the Princess.

"Yes, women drink here, as a matter of fact!" she
snapped. "I wish to have that tankard you drink out
of." Sam replied, saying that it couldn't be bought
for gold or money. Just as before, Sam was to sleep
with the Prince in payment for the tankard. In the
Prince's bedchambers, Sam spent a good part of the
night crying and shaking his Prince. The Prince slept
on, and as morning came, Sam was literally pushed out
of the room by the Elf maiden. Samwise sat under the
same window, playing with the sword Merry the Gay had
given him. The Princess came to him once more and
requested the price of the sword. Still confused about
the switch of gender roles, Sam gave her the sword in
return for sleeping with the Prince.

There were some Dwarves who had been taken to the
smial, and they knew of a Hobbit crying, trying to
wake the Prince for two nights. They told the Prince
this. Later that evening, the Princess came with a
glass of ale for the Prince. He suspected this to be a
sleeping draught, so he pretended to drink it. The
Princess smiled in satisfaction and left the Prince to
sleep. Samwise entered the bedchambers not long after,
and was thrilled to see the Hobbit Prince awake. They
hugged and kissed and a number of other things. The
Hobbit Prince broke their kiss and said, "Thank Eru
that you came! I'm to be married to the giant
tomorrow! And she knows I'm gay, but she still insists
to marry me. But that will not happen, and you will
help me. I'll ask to see how my bride's cleaning
skills are, and I'll ask her to wash the shirt with
the candle wax on it. No one but one of the Hobbit
folk will be able to wash it off. Then when she can't
wash it, I'll say that I'll marry whoever can wash it,
which will be you." He kissed Sam lightly on the lips.

Sam blushed and said, "May we have our honeymoon in
Lothlórien?"

"Of course! And we shall dance to bad techno music
until the sun comes up!"

The next morning, before the wedding, the Hobbit
Prince came to his stepmother and asked to see his
bride. The Elf maiden was retrieved.

"I have a shirt," the Hobbit Prince said, "that I wish
to wear for the wedding, but it has candle wax on it."
He faked a frown of sorrow. "I wish to see how well
your cleaning skills are, as you know Hobbits tend to
be a bit messy. If you cannot clean it, you are not to
be my bride." This was a lie of course, as we all know
Hobbits are clean and even brush their feet, but the
Elven Maiden did not know this, so she was happy to
oblige.

She was given a water basin and the shirt. She smiled
as she scrubbed the shirt, but her smile soon turned
to a frown. The wax would not come off, and only grew
into bigger spots. Her mother pushed her out of the
way. "Let me clean it!" The mother scrubbed and
scrubbed, and the spots grew and grew. Other Elves
came, and the more they tried the worse the shirt
became. The Hobbit Prince hid a grin and said, "You
all are horrible! There is a poor Hobbit outside the
window, and I bet he could do a better job than all of
you." Sam was ushered in. "Can you clean this?"

Sam shook his head a bit. "I can try, but I don't
guarantee anything." As soon as Sam put the shirt into
the water, it turned white, and looked finer than it
had before.

The Hobbit Prince grinned. "Then I will marry you, my
fair Hobbit." They joined hands, and kissed.

The mother of the Elf Maiden was furious, so furious
that she exploded. The other Elves, including the
bride, exploded in anger as well. The Prince and his
groom set free all the Dwarves. The Dwarves left, and
went to mine in the woods, and met up with a girl who
had an evil stepmother who had a big ego problem, but
that's another story. So the two Hobbits were married
in holy matrimony.

"I have a question to ask you," said Sam. "What is
your name? We've gone through nine pages of writing
and your name hasn't been mentioned once!"

The Hobbit Prince smiled. "It's not important. Now
let's go pack our bags, as we're going to Lothlórien
in the morning!"

THE END