Forever Lost
By Lengliorla Goldenleaf.
Chapter 1.
I've lost him forever: (Pippin's POV)
I've always loved him, you know, and why shouldn't I? I mean, he's my cousin, my partner in mischief and my best friend. He's the one that laughs at my jokes, even if they aren't a bit funny, and the one that comforts me when I'm sad or hurt. He's always there for me, especially when I get myself into deeper trouble then I can handle. Then he comes to stand by my side and share my punishment, even if he is innocent.
So why shouldn't I love him? I'm sure you would love a person that does as much for you as Merry does for me. There's nothing wrong with that is there? But no, who am I trying to fool? It's not the fact that I love him that's the problem, it's the fact that I'm in love with him and THAT changes the whole situation, doesn't it?
I always loved him for all the reasons I've already told you about and a million, no a billion, more reasons that I don't even understand myself. But it was only a few minutes ago I realized that I was in love with him.
It was a wedding, you see. Who's wedding isn't really important, but it was at the party after the ceremony it all began. I was wandering around, looking for Merry. I thought maybe we could do something fun together, like make "apple pie beds" in the guestquarters or something. But when I found him, I realized that he wouldn't be interested in mischief. He sat in a small meadow, his back against the trunk of a tree and he wasn't alone. Quickly, I hid myself behind some bushes.
At his side, just about sitting in his lap, was a beautiful lass. I remembered that I had seen her dancing with Merry earlier but they had looked more like friends to me. Though what they were doing now had nothing to do with friendship. She was kissing him passionately on his neck as her fingers worked at the buttons of his shirt. Her hands had slipped inside, touching his chest, her fingers soon followed by her lips, nibbling and licking her way back to the sensitive areas behind his ears.
I felt my jaw drop, my cheeks and ears burn, and my stomach turn into a knot, but it wasn't the lass I was looking at, it was him: my Merry. He was beautiful. His cheeks were red, he had his head tilted backwards, his eyes closed and his eyelids fluttering. His lips were slightly parted, swollen from kisses. I saw him licking them with his tongue. I heard his breath coming in heavy gasps and realized that I was breathing just as heavily.
For some reason I couldn't take my eyes off his lips. I started to think about how it would feel to kiss those lips and to be kissed by them in return. How it would feel to touch his skin in a whole different way, not as a friend but as a lover.
Without even thinking, I started to touch myself, running my hand over my chest and stomach, the other hand caressing my own face. I kissed my palm and my fingertips pretended it was Merry's lips and hands that did those things to me. I wanted it to be his lips; I wanted to be the one he kissed. I wanted to be the one who kissed him, the one that touched his body.
The lass leaned even closer and whispered something in his ear. He moaned and I felt a sting of jealousy. She had no right to do that; I was the one that would make him moan, that would lean against him like that and whisper how much I love him in his ear.
Then what I was thinking struck me: I love him. Yes, I do love him, I'm in love with him. I'm in love with Merry!
But I can't be, it's wrong, a male hobbit shouldn't love another male, it's unnatural. All the other hobbits would scorn me, laugh behind my back. And Merry would never accept it, he would only be disgusted over this unwanted affection. No, I can't let him know how I feel. I can't...
The feelings overwhelmed me - love, fear, grief - and I started to sob, a little too loudly. In an instant, the lass stopped her seducing of Merry and looked straight at my hiding place.
"Merry", she said quietly, "someone is spying on us, there in the bushes". She pointed in my direction.
"Really?" Merry rose from the ground and walked towards me. I tried to move, tried to run, but for some reason, my body refused to obey me. I stood frozen as Merry, my Merry, came closer and closer.
"Nobody has the right to spy on us!" Merry said angrily and stuck his strong hands into the bush. He gripped my arm so hard that it hurt and dragged me out from my hiding place. "Now let's see who's hiding." And then he looked at me. "Pippin," he said, overwhelmed by shock.
I looked back at him and I knew I had my whole heart and soul in my eyes, but I couldn't hide it. "Merry," I whispered and in that second, I knew I had lost him. "What...why..." He looked angry now. I felt tears fill my eyes, but I bit my lip hard, tasting my own blood. I would not give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry, not over him. Before he could say anything else, I turned around and ran. I heard him call my name, but I just kept running.
I didn't stop until my chest hurt from running and I couldn't breathe. Not until my head pounded as if it was about to explode, not until I lost track of both time and space. Then I stopped and sank to the ground, blinded by tears, sobbing beyond all comfort.
And now I can't go home. I can't face him ever again. I can't bear to see his disgust, his anger, maybe even his hate.
You know, I've always loved him, and why shouldn't I? He's my cousin, my partner in mischief and my best friend - and now I've lost him forever...