Eppppppppppers! Sorry so long, hope you all enjoy it! Please review, I beg of you!
-Huge shout out to my beta, because without her you all would be yelling at me for my spelling errors.
A round of applause to you – Jan! I shortened it a bit, lol.
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"Baby, do you think its possible that there's someone doing this very same thing at this very same time?"
"I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?"
-Armageddon.
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So uh, you, uh, never know... what... what events are to transpire to get you home.
-Jim Lovell, Apollo 13.
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Sandy shut his eyes and placed his head on his arm as he heard Caleb tell the doctor the decision he couldn't make and couldn't come to grips with. Some people could make life-altering decisions in a heartbeat and live with it. He wasn't one of them.
Twins?
What the hell kind of wake up call is that? Was that like God's peace agreement, 'I'll take one life and give you another?' His worst fear only saw himself taking care of one child.
Now there were two?
He would have to take care of two children by himself, at the same time without her, without their mother, or his best friend at his side, helping him, encouraging him. She might not be there to see their first words, or to here them laugh, or watch them grow up. She might not be there to mother their aches and pains, or be there when they had nightmares and called out for Mommy and Daddy. She might not be there on their first day of school or the day they graduate.
The fact that she just might not be there was slowly driving him out of his mind.
He could almost hear their questions in his mind.
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'"Daddy, why don't we have a Mommy?" his daughter asked.
"She was sick honey."
"Why?" she replied again innocently, coloring with a crayon.
"She just got ill."
"They couldn't make her better, Daddy?" his son chimed in.
Sandy shook his head.
"They gave me a shot when I was sick," he almost pouted. "Daddy why couldn't they just give her a shot?"
He smirked at his son as he looked at him with those huge blue eyes that were definitely his mothers, and he reached over to ruffle his dark black hair.
"It was more complicated than that sport."
"How come?" his daughter chimed in, getting that lost look that Kirsten often got when she was deep in thought.
"They just couldn't make her better," he mumbled sipping coffee from his cup.
How do you even answer that?
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Caleb looked over at Sandy's slumped features and felt sympathy for the man. He might lose his own daughter, but Sandy was balancing the fine line of losing his wife, and two children.
That was enough to consider buying a gun and placing a bullet in it. He didn't honestly hate Sandy. He too was nothing other than a low poor kid himself when he married a wonderful woman. And over the years and as the money grew so did his temper and agitation. He knew his children would never be poor and he had just always hoped Kirsten wouldn't do the same – marry someone who was from the other side of the tracks. He hoped she wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of someone who didn't have the best life, the nightmares, the abuse; he hoped she would never have to experience that. Kirsten might have been able to lie through her teeth, but even she couldn't hide what Caleb saw in Sandy Cohen's eyes.
He saw part of himself, and maybe that scared him deep down inside more than he ever wanted to admit. For Caleb, it was just easier to hate him than it was to accept him as the great successful man he had come to be.
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She awoke within a few moments and the pain that was coursing through her body was now a dull throbbing thump. Finally.
She was groggy and drowsy as she glanced about, her teary blue eyes taking in the stark white features of the hospital. Blurry green scrubs rushed past her eyes as the nurses and doctors prepared themselves.
"Ah, glad you could join us again, Kirsten," a dark headed nurse smiled at her.
She glanced over at the fetal monitors, "Are they okay?"
"They're fine. They'll be a little small and underweight, and they will probably spend a few days or weeks in the incubators, but they are healthy and they have strong heartbeats – which is a very good sign."
Kirsten smiled in relief.
"I don't understand how I could have twins… we thought that there was only one."
The nurse grinned broadly again. "That part is easy, and it goes undetected more than most people think." She placed her hands on Kirsten's stomach, moving up towards her ribs.
"One of your little ones, is here, up underneath your ribs, a nice little hiding space. He or she probably would shift down around the other one and it would go up underneath your ribs. And because you're so tiny, honey, it was more comfortable for them. Or they could have hid behind one another; like I said, it goes undetected a lot more than people think!"
Kirsten swallowed, her throat dry, and nodded her head in conformation. Hell, she didn't care if that nurse told her that her child could move up into her chest cavity, as long as they were safe, and healthy. That's all that mattered to her.
The doctor came up to her bed, checking the monitors and writing things down at various beeps, his face grim.
"I've slowed your labor down tremendously, unfortunately I can't stop it, it's far too along. The OB-GYN is on his way down, we'll get his second opinion and he will tell us which way to go from there. Most likely though it's going to end up as a C-section. It will be a lot less strain on the three of you."
Kirsten nodded and one hand was placed over her rounded stomach, her eyes drawn to the bulge. She was tired of being exhausted and sick. She was so physically tired of hurting constantly and looking like she was the walking dead. She knew that with the twins safe and healthy, and with them out of her body she could pursue more aggressive treatment with the cancer.
She glanced up at the doctor as he was starting to pass her by, her hand reaching up and grabbing the edge of his white lab coat, "My husband, I want him here."
If she was going to have a C-Section, she sure as hell wasn't going to be by herself.
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When Ryan walked around the corner and saw Sandy move from being slumped on the floor to standing, he knew something had gone down and he knew it wasn't good.
He just didn't know what.
When he caught the look in Sandy's eyes his breath caught in his throat and suddenly the room he was in seemed to be getting smaller. He needed out, he needed air and a cigarette, maybe a couple shots of hard whiskey. When Julie continued walking Ryan stopped in his tracks, and began to back up, looking for an exit over his shoulder, his breaths coming in short gasps.
The oddly familiar rush of panic flew through him, just like on the nights when his mom's boyfriends had too much to drink and he could hear their heavy footsteps clunking through the house; the unforgettable sound of metal clinking together as they took off their belts and whooped the shit out of him. The end of the belt connecting with whatever it could, landing a sickening 'ta-thunk' like sound as it connected with his head, or elbow, or the softness of his stomach, or the hollow of his sternum.
His whole body was shaking but he didn't realize it. At first his steps were slow and methodical as he started walking towards the door. He was trying to be as normal as possible but he gave up when his brain started thinking of the past. Now they were rushed, and hurried, his feet couldn't move couldn't move fast enough as he struggled to breathe.
He knew Sandy saw him and he knew that he was rushing after him because in the distance he could hear him calling his name. It sounded echoed and ragged like he was dodging through people or running for his life.
A gurney whisked in front of him, slowing down his pace and knocking him off balance. He teetered for a moment, his eyes still darting around for an exit nearer than the one all the way down the hall.
It didn't matter now though, because Sandy had caught up with him, panting.
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As Caleb eyed Ryan slowly turning away, eyes wide, and darting in the other direction he couldn't help himself.
"JuJu, do you have your wallet?"
Sandy rolled his eyes and looked at the man before rushing off after his son and Julie took a few moments before she realized what he said and what it meant. She stood confused for a second as she realized this was the man she married.
Then she slapped him.
"Grow the fuck up, Cal," she spat bitterly as she walked away in disgust.
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As nurses and doctors buzzed around her like little worker bee's Kirsten let her mind wander. She had a good idea as to what her daughter would look like. Her thoughts wondered to her son, a tiny miracle in itself. She didn't doubt that he would be a dark headed boy. She hoped that he would inherit his father's gray blue eyes and his temper. She didn't think she could have two little ones running around with her temper. Maybe he would play sports, like basketball or baseball. Maybe even soccer and hopefully Ryan and Sandy would teach him how. Or maybe he would have a soft love for comics and Seth could help him in that direction.
She smiled as she thought of Seth joining in their antics. Then she realized both Ryan and Seth would be at college, and well on their way to having lives of their own.
She just hoped she would live to see it all.
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"Ryan, stop! Easy now…" He felt like he was talking to a horse that had just spooked and at any minute would rush away again.
Ryan didn't move, but his chest heaved up and down and Sandy looked at him cautiously. Approaching him the wrong way would only send him spiraling again and no one in this hospital needed that. And he certainty didn't need a black eye either. The look he cast Sandy made his stomach clench for he was looking at that ten-year old boy again. He had the-lost-boy-whose-family-simply-left-him-a-note-look. It was that look again, the lost despair and the fleeting fear that was undeniably in his gaze. Ryan at times was always a small time bomb, just ticking, just patiently waiting to go off. Now that he was in one of those moments, the next move was up to Sandy, and he had to be as cautious as possible.
Ryan's back was still to Sandy but even now he could see his shoulders trembling amongst his heaving chest.
Slowly Sandy walked over to him, and even more slowly did he dare place his hand on his shoulder. He could still feel the slight quiver but it wasn't in anger. His body was tense and Sandy slowly eased him into the room across the hall that was empty.
Ryan eyed Sandy, ready for anything even though he knew that was a stupid thought. He shrugged his head in attempt to rid himself of the thought that Sandy might just hit him.
Sandy wasn't going to hit him.
Noticing his shoulders still tensed, his jaw muscle clenching in and out Sandy sat down in a chair, giving Ryan the implication that he was the alpha-dog at the moment; he was the one in control. Ryan needed that – he needed to know that he was in control and Sandy was just a presence and nothing more.
"You okay?" Sandy's voice was soothing.
The boy nodded his shaggy head, a few blond strands dusting into his eyes.
He swept them away quickly, as if they were shielding his unyielding gaze. He then glanced to the seat next to Sandy, then back to Sandy and again looked away.
"You can sit if you want," he made a small gesture to the chair.
"I know," he huffed, in his tough boy voice.
Sandy nodded and watched the young man he thought of as a son. The tension that riveted on his face as his bright blue eyes had darkened in color with the dimness of the room. The ridged muscles of his jaw were still clenched. The way his right hand went from making a fist to completely flat and into a fist again. His breathing was hurried and quick, but so silent; Sandy had to strain to hear it. He stood lightly on his feet ready to run or bolt at any second.
"Ryan…"
"Look. I get it. I'm sorry. I just – I can't do this again, this whole moving around thing. Just get it over with."
Sandy cast a puzzled gaze upon the tense boy.
"Get what over with?"
"Just tell me that I messed up or did something wrong, but please hurry up and get it over with it."
Sandy held his hands up, palms facing Ryan in a surrender gesture. He took a step back.
Sandy stepped back a few paces as well and pointed to the chair.
"Sit," he commanded, authority rising in his voice. It was his soothing lawyer voice.
He looked up at him nervously but Sandy raised an eyebrow and made notions for him to move into the chair he had just moved from moments before.
Ryan obeyed and sat in the chair, jaw still clenched and now both hands were in a fist on his lap. He looked down at them.
Sandy kneeled down, once again lowering himself below Ryan so he had the upper advantage. Sandy placed one hand on the arm of the chair, the other he placed on Ryan's knee.
"Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong. On the contrary you did wonderful. Without you who knows where Seth and Kirsten would be right now. Thank you. Everyone is going to be fine; if you hadn't been there, I shudder to think, what would have happened. You did great, son," Sandy smiled at Ryan, and squeezed his knee gently.
"Ryan, I will never hurt you, remember that, I love you kid. We all do," it came out like a sorrowful whisper, but he knew the kid heard it. He didn't know why he said it, but he felt like it needed to be said at that moment, Sandy realized he should have said it more.
Ryan unclenched his fist but his jaw was still tight, still twitching and the tenseness of his body went out as he relaxed slightly. He nodded his head. Sandy could see a small tiny wall go down around him.
Sandy rose, ruffling his hair as he stood and started for the door and made a notion with his head. "I'm going to go see about Kirsten, okay?"
Ryan swallowed and in the dimness of the room he could see his Adam's apple bob up and down.
"I'll be out in a minute or two," he barely managed to whisper.
Sandy smiled and nodded, opening the door and closing it quietly.
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A dark-headed nurse met him in the hall at a semi-brief jog.
"Mr. Cohen! Your wife has been looking for you. We're ready."
He looked confused. "Ready for…?"
"Her C-Section, Mr. Cohen. Your little ones are anxious little guys. Or girls," she added.
"I thought they stopped it?"
She shook her head as they continued walking down the corridors. "She was too far along, but don't worry, they're healthy."
Sandy sighed. 'Round two hundred and fifty four. Fight!'
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As he was putting on the lovely green scrubs and was advised by the nurse of her various orders like, "Don't show much emotion, make sure she's calm, if something happens someone will escort you out, you are to stand here, do not move, blah, blah, blah."
He barely heard her.
As he moved to her side, she saw him and smiled gratefully, he returned her grin.
"Where've you been?" Her voice was hoarse and he could hear worry in it.
"With Ryan," he smiled as she reached out and took her cool hand in his.
"You ready for this?" His eyes danced as he looked around.
She shook her head 'no.'
How could she be ready for this? How could any of them be ready for this? She felt like asking him, 'Are you ready to watch me die?'
That's what it felt like, as if they were preparing her to die. 'No children now Mrs. Cohen, you are a test subject at our mercy, ha-ha-ha!'
She shuddered as her conscious took hold and went in directions she rarely let herself think about. Her body was numb, a wonderful like numb, no pain what-so-ever, nothing.
It felt wonderful, although she would have rather not have been where she couldn't feel anything, but right now she was willing to take what they would give her. It reminded her of sleeping with Sandy, which he himself was like her giant teddy bear and when she was cuddled up with him – nothing could harm her.
His hand was warm and comforting and he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'm scared too," he whispered as if he could read her thoughts.
She only nodded and the doctor came over and looked at both of them.
"I'm going to start now, and you'll feel pressure but no pain. If you do feel pain, tell us okay?"
She nodded. 'Yes sir, right away sir, anything you say sir!'
God she was in a goofy mood all of a sudden. In a way she wished she was that ten-year-old girl again, who was out at a fair and her dad was riding with her on the tilt-a-whirl. The goofy feeling she got in her stomach that's what she felt like, carefree and relaxed, even though the hardest was yet to come.
But she didn't know how much more she could take.
Even though everyone said she had plenty of fight left in her, deep down she knew the truth.
The fight to live was beginning to grow fainter in her mind, like a tunnel of light that was slowly growing. It was just easier to give up than to fight.
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