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"Not anxious to die sir, Just anxious to matter."
-Pearl Harbor.
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
-Broken, Seether and Amy Lee.
Kirsten's dark blue eyes gazed up into her husband's sea-gray bluish color. It was the color that she knew all too well. She was amazed he was holding up so well through all this.
Fear,
Uncertainty,
Pain.
He couldn't make her better on his own and it was slowly killing him. 'Maybe,' she thought, 'He blames himself…'
She knew it was a ridiculous idea, but somewhere deep down she had the tiniest margin of thought that he did.
It bothered him to see her like this. The look he had in his eyes was nothing other than pure fear and uncertainty. Uncertainty for the future, uncertainty that she might not make it much longer, and uncertainty wasn't one of Sandy Cohen's favorite words. Uncertain was how he felt in the earlier years of their relationship. Now when she thought uncertain was in the past, here it was again to reel its ugly head.
She looked away the determined gaze in his eyes was about to make her feel sick, the sympathy that laid deep within them seemed to jump out at her. It was the look people give to the grieving person at a funeral. The-I'm-So-Sorry look. The look she always had in her dreams. She glanced away - she wasn't dead yet, she didn't know how much more she could take looking into his eyes, knowing his thoughts mirrored her own. She could tell he was so excited too, Sandy was an excellent father and the fact that he had another chance to raise their children enthralled him. She could tell.
Yet. As if it were a timed event marked down on a calendar.
She didn't care at the moment. The goofy feeling that she had felt earlier was gone and right now she just felt down right haggard. She wanted the twins out of her slowly dying body so that she could go to sleep.
God, she was tired. Her eyelids felt like they had weights on them and she wanted nothing more than to curl on her side and close her eyes, living in the dream world for hours upon endless hours, with nothing to worry about and nothing to bother her. Maybe if Sandy wasn't too tired he could rub her back for her, soft and slow like he had been doing lately. It relaxed the tense muscles and the shooting pain didn't seem to rush up her spine in the stabbing ache that she had come to know all too well.
Many nights as of lately-her sleep was interrupted with pain, or dreams, constantly waking up soaked with sweat and being too fearful to fall back asleep. She didn't know if Sandy was sleeping soundly through the night, and if he weren't he was very quiet about it. She knew a few times that she had woken up, whether it had been a bad dream or just that she couldn't sleep, he was up with her. Sometimes he never said anything he just kissed her on the forehead or her temple and played with her hair until she dozed off.
She glanced back up at Sandy, his grip tight on her hand, watching everything that's going on and she for one is grateful that she was missing it. She knew they were moving around down there, the doctors were talking amongst themselves and occasionally to Sandy, his gaze intent on what they were doing.
If they were talking to her too bad, she was ignoring them far too content in her own little world of musings and thoughts.
She had watched enough medical TV shows to know what they were doing. One small little slice and the skin can stretch for miles. Well, maybe not miles but definitely enough to get a little baby out. Or a watermelon, but she knew her little ones weren't going to be a normal size seven-pound baby.
The doctor said something about her feeling pressure as they reached up and under her ribs, for her son. It was amazing that they were all packed in there like little sardines. Oh the stretch marks she might have.
Hell, piss on the stretch marks - she thought she had been a walking skeleton with her rounded stomach. Imagine what she was going to look like without it.
She knew. She knew all too well. She watched her mother die slowly from it and her Aunt Laurie too. Their weight slowly went away, the life in their eyes slowly went away, and eventually the will to live went, the pain and suffering far to great to even imagine, and then suddenly everything just goes.
Hers would too, if she let it, if she actually thought about it, maybe it was already gone, small parts of her anyway.
Just like that, just like the snap of your fingers. The color of her skin would go away, from the healthy pale pinkish - white to an almost almond yellow. Her eyes would become lifeless and she probably wouldn't be able to move without help, much less take care of newborn twins.
She shut her eyes, her conscience getting the best of her. When she opened them she met her husband's again and this time the gray color was gone. It was replaced with the loving sea-green that made her smile.
He grinned back at her, and squeezed her hand. "Ready?"
'No.'
She nodded her head yes and he leaned down to kiss her forehead.
She hoped she could muster enough strength to make it through all of this and then some.
Seth sat in his chair, his legs and arms sprawled out, his mind reeling in the events that had happened in the past few hours. His breathing was finally back to normal and he didn't know when Julie Cooper had become Super Woman, but he was going to use her for the role the next time he drew a comic.
His Mom was sick. Like really, really sick. Like what was he going to do if she died? His mind kept asking that question and he hadn't found the answer to it yet. He tried avoiding it in his mind, like he kept hoping that one day when he woke up in the morning his Dad would be dancing around laughing because his mother's cancer had miraculously disappeared. But every morning that miracle had eluded him even though he prayed for it every single night of his life since he had found out. Maybe, if he kept putting off the question in his mind, maybe that miracle might surface and he could chuckle to himself as to how he even imagined such a thought of his mother dying.
His chocolate eyes looked up as Ryan walked through the door, looking exhausted as he, Seth, felt.
Marissa moved over, causing Seth to glance at her as she bumped a chair and it made a screeching noise. She shrugged her apology. Ryan sat down and didn't look at anyone. Seth continued his own mindless wondering and glanced up at the ceiling again, counting the endless dots and half moon crescent shapes.
Summer reached over and grabbed a hold of Seth's hand. She squeezed it lightly and he squeezed it back. He didn't have to look at her as their lives were inconceivably intertwined forever and they could read each other from the simplest of touches. Her squeeze simply meant
'I'm here for you.'
And when he returned hers
'I know.'
'Everything changes from this point on, and there's no going back, no matter what I do,' Seth sighed.
Everything changes.
No matter what.
"Here we go Kirsten!"
The doctor was excited and she wished her own enthusiasm mirrored his. 'He must have a great job, bringing new life into the world,' she couldn't help but think. For a second she wondered if there was someone who would greet her in heaven and simply say, 'We've been waiting for you!' Maybe she would be allowed to watch over Sandy and the twins, Seth, and Ryan from afar. Maybe she would be their guardian angel. She would put the request in as soon as she got there.
If, she decides to leave this world, if fighting it gets to be too, too much.
She was happy and she was excited but she knew deep down this is where her struggle would begin. Would her will to live outweigh the impossible, or rather the inevitable?
How much longer could she fight this, With the constant aching throb, the headaches, the nausea, the vomiting, the weight loss and the sympathetic looks of sadness from her family? How much more would they be hurting if she continued like this? What if the cancer didn't kill her, what if pneumonia set in or bronchitis and it got to the point where her immune system was so weak she couldn't fight anything off?
How much more would it take to tear them apart? And the honest question, how much more could Sandy take? How much more could she watch him look at her with sadness and love and know that in his mind and heart he would trade places with her in an instant.
How many more nights would she get to spend at home, content in Sandy's arms? Would she even get to go home after this? She hoped she would.
Her thoughts were disrupted when she felt the pressure the doctor was talking about and then the sudden soft wail of a baby's cry, and gasps of joy from the nurses.
She grinned and Sandy squeezed her hand tightly as he whispered to her, "It's a girl!"
Tears slowly slid down her cheeks and she chuckled and laughed in the feeling that she was a new mother again.
The feeling that courses through her warms her chilled body and makes her heart beat with a pace she had forgotten about. The excited kind of pace one that's not too fast and not too slow, just right. Her breathing quickens and another tear falls down her flushed cheek.
She smiled as Sandy leans down and kisses her forehead again, his paternal excitement and joy evident on his face.
'Alexandria,' she thinks softly to herself as she continues to hear the baby's soft cries and the nurses as they muse and coo over her. Kirsten can hear a nurse tell another nurse that her daughter is "so little and just perfect."
If Kirsten had the energy she would strain herself to look about the room, but she doesn't. That would take all that she had left and as it was right now even staying awake was becoming a struggle.
Sandy has a grin on his face that could light up the whole room and he was so proud. It's showed on his face and on the way his body is holding itself. His shoulders are squared off and his chest sticks out a little, it's really the grin though that gives it all away. She smiles at her husbands' antics and hears a nurse mumble "Five pounds, four ounces, not bad for a preemie."
She's relieved at that, at least her daughter is okay and holding her own, as she let's her little voice be known to the world with another loud howl. Kirsten smiles as she hears the baby's wail as if her daughters yelling, 'It's cold out here damnit!'
She closes her eyes and hopes that she can hold her sometime soon. It's driving her nuts that they won't let her just yet. Her heart fluttered with the natural motherly instinct to see and protect her child.
Again she felt the pressure and once more she heard a nurse yell, "It's a boy!" but this time Kirsten didn't hear a baby's cry and she felt Sandy's grip tighten on her hand. She heard them murmur "He's not breathing, I need suction." The nurses whisked him away from hers and Sandy's sight as well as earshot.
From the super grip Sandy had on her hand she knew his heart was pounding in his chest. He glanced down at her and gave the tiniest smile, "He'll be fine honey. Don't worry, he's a Cohen, and we Cohen's are fighters."
'We Cohen's are fighters. Fighters. We Cohen's are fighters. Sandy? How much more fighting do you think I have in me? I'm getting tired of fighting Sandy. So tired.'
She nodded and swallowed, her throat dry, and her thoughts were tangled, things weren't supposed to happen this way. Her son, he was a fighter. He fought to get in this world, he would damn sure fight his way through it.
'God? Please, if you're listening save my little boy, because this family won't be able to take two losses. Amen.'
Julie Cooper-Nichol watched Seth, Summer, Ryan and Marissa as they seemed so at peace with each other. What a true group of friends, and what a combination. There was your Juvenile-Delinquent – who in reality was a good kid that had never been given a chance until now. There was the Comic Book Loser/Nerd who had finally found confidence in a friend and brother. The Homecoming-Shopoholic-Queen whom was a sweet girl that Julie swore suffered from bad step-mom skills and rage blackouts. And then her daughter, Marissa, The Overdosing-On-Drugs-Everything-Is-Your-Fault-Mom- Newport Beach snob.
Together, they were the invincible foursome. Whatever the outcome of this mess, at least they had each other to pull them through. It would be the girls that would save the boys from depression and who knows what else. Who would Julie have? If Kirsten died then that meant so did her one true friend. She would have an inconsolable Sandy and who knew about Caleb, he was like a box of bottle rockets waiting to explode as he watched his oldest daughter fight cancer and pregnancy.
Sometimes Julie was surprised the whole Cohen family had made it this far without collapsing entirely.
'Blood, is thicker than water,' Julie mused as she kept a careful eye on the young adults in the room whose worry was shown on their faces so much and it made them look like ten-year-olds, instead of seventeen.
They were stitching her up when a nurse came back into the room and smiled at them. "They're both okay! You have two beautiful healthy babies."
Kirsten sighed in relief and Sandy leaned down and kissed her softly.
She smiled as she thought of them. Two. Not one, but two. Something she could never give Seth until Ryan came along. A Brother, and a Sister, and the best of friends, Someone that the other could rely on when there was no one else, someone who had the other's back indefinitely.
Maybe the twins were just an inkling of what was to come. Maybe that was the miracle of them, the reason she had twins. The reason her body had stayed strong for this long, maybe she was going to die but at least they would have each other and Sandy. He would have the two of them to keep him busy.
"Sandy?" she whispered.
He looked at her.
"We need to think of another name."
He smiled at her and she closed her eyes as the doctors and nurses do their job of cleaning her up as well as the twins. She was so tired and it felt so wonderfully good that her lower body was numb and she could feel no pain.
She dreaded waking up from this immeasurable pleasure.
Sandy came out into the waiting room for a few moments, making all of them jump to their feet awaiting his news.
Sandy was all smiles as he told them the great news. "Twins, one boy and one girl!"
Caleb's jaw dropped and Julie covered her face with her hands. No one was expecting this.
Seth broke into a huge grin and crossed the distance that was between him and his father in a record pace. He hugged his father aggressively and Sandy hugged his son back. His Dad somehow always had that kind of presence that meant everything would be fine. Seth wouldn't admit it to anyone right now but he needed to know that everything was fine, that for the moment his Mom was fine. Ryan had also come up and joined in the hug with Seth and Sandy. Their grins were infectious and everyone waiting simply had to smile.
Julie smiled and walked over to Sandy as she waited for the boys to move so that she could give him a hug and congratulations. Even Caleb had stood up, and wanted to shake his son-in-laws hand. No matter what feelings he had towards him he couldn't rain on Sandy's parade. Even Caleb Nichol wouldn't be that ignorant today.
"Nurse?" Her voice was hoarse and the room was spinning totally out of control. She had taken maybe a five-minute nap, or maybe it was longer than that. Whatever time had gone by she woke up in her room and she knew she was going to be sick. The wonderful numbing sensation that was in her lower back had worn off too. She could feel the angry stabs of pain that shot up and down her spine without mercy. She heard someone bustling about in the corner.
"Nurse?" She spoke louder, more forcefully and she glanced over as an older woman appeared at her bedside. Oh, this was going to be bad.
The nurse was a redhead, a little on the chubby side but she had a nice smile and soft eyes. Her nametag read Patty and Kirsten quickly closed her eyes as the letters swirled.
"I'm going to be sick," she moaned and she felt the familiar chills of a fever suddenly take hold of her body. She shivered despite herself.
The nurse was quick to grab a basin and held it in front of Kirsten, before she hurriedly sauntered out of the room for the correct shot she would need. As she bustled past the nurse's station she sent another nurse to aid Kirsten.
'Poor woman, she has been through so much,' Patty's heart did ache for her. No one should have to go through this after having two children. But she suspected that it could have been a reaction to the anesthesia. She hurried as fast as she could to the medical supply closet where they kept their medications to stop the vomiting. Kirsten needed rest and a lot of it.
As a new nurse rushed to Kirsten's aid she made it in time to watch her begin to throw up. A soft hand was placed upon her back and the woman managed to move the blond hair out of the line of fire.
"So sick of this," she moaned in between heaves and her teeth chattered together as the chills cascaded through her body.
"Just breathe Kirsten, Patty will be back in a jiffy we'll fix you up in no time," the new nurse kept talking to her, trying to keep her calm and controlled.
She heaved again and it burned her throat as she coughed. "Mmm God," she whispered and the nurse whisked away that basin and replaced it with another.
"Everything hurts," she moaned and leaned forward, as her stomach lurched again. She shivered uncontrollably.
"Cold…so cold."
"I know sweetheart. You're doing just fine. I hear you have the prettiest babies we've ever seen!" She kept patting her back like she was a child.
Kirsten took a breath and gave a weak smile. "I haven't seen them yet," she whispered. "My husband went to tell our family the good news…."
Her stomach convulsed and cut her off. She really wanted to see her little ones. She really wanted to get better.
Right now, she honestly wanted to stop throwing up and just roll on her side, curling into a ball and getting some sleep.
"Well, I got the chance to see them and boy are they pretty," she grinned at her. Kirsten then suddenly wondered how this woman could have a conversation with her while she was doing one of the grossest things known to man.
She suspected that the woman was used to it. Kirsten would never get used to this, to throwing up so forcefully that her head hurt and the muscles in her stomach ached for hours afterwards because they were so tired.
"Thank You," she whispered as she came up for air again. Her body trembled and her head was pounding now. Her anesthesia for her lower body and back had worn off and she could feel the stabbing pains that were shooting there, the slow continuous pounding pain that seemed to have no end. There was warmth somewhere deep inside her, a mother's pride as this woman kept raving about Kirsten's children. That made her hold on and fight through this bout of nausea and sickness.
"You're doing fine Kirsten, did you think of names?"
Kirsten shivered again and nodded her head before vomiting again. When she came back up for air Patty had returned and placed the shot into her upper arm. It took a few moments but the medication had done its trick and the nurse took the basin away.
"One, we have one name," she whispered and went to wipe her mouth with the napkin the nurse had given her, cringing as the tips were red with blood. Her nosebleed had started back up again. She trembled. Blood, it was what brought her here in the first place.
The nurse handed her another napkin and some mouthwash and saw the blood. "Just busted capillaries sweetheart, from the force of vomiting, it happens. One name, don't you need two? What is it?"
"Alexandria Bella Cohen."
Kirsten smiled in relief again. "We didn't know there was going to be two."
The nurse who had been helping her was named Sally, and both Sally and Patty joined in on the discussion of her newborns.
"Sounds like you had a little miracle then huh?" Patty smiled at her.
Kirsten leaned against the pillows, complete exhaustion creeping up through her bones and making her more tired then she ever thought possible. She wanted to go home and sleep in her bed, with Sandy and the twins safe in the next room.
"He's our little miracle," she whispered softly agreeing with her as she started to drift to sleep. Patty added a small shot of pain medication through the IV. The poor woman needed her rest after all this.
Sandy appeared out of nowhere, his eyes wide at the sight of the nurses cleaning up.
"You're wife got a little sick on us Mr. Cohen," Patty smiled.
He ran a hand over his face and through his hair, "Is she okay? What happened?" His voice held deep concern for her, he hated when she got sick and he wasn't there to help her.
"Probably a reaction to the anesthetic, she's okay now." Patty stopped and patted his arm gently.
"Thank you," he whispered as he went to sit beside her. He reached up and moved the hair away from her damp forehead and tucked it behind her ear. He leaned up and kissed her softly on the temple, his eyes welling up with tears.
She moaned softly in her sleep but she didn't wake up.
He picked up her hand, and held it in his, his thumb rubbing over the smooth back of her hand. His other hand came up covered his eyes as his tears dropped from his face. She couldn't get a break and there was nothing he could do to help her, or take away her pain. She was slowly slipping away and leaving him alone.
He couldn't do this alone.
He didn't even want to.