This was meant to be the final chapter, but I like the way it ended very angsty, so I thought I'd conclude things in the fourth chapter. That's why this chapter is so short.
Chapter ThreeSamantha woke up reluctantly, her body knowing the pain that was going to come for her mind and heart…
The white walls of the infirmary greeted her and for a moment she thought she might be in heaven. She could remember a great pain flashing through her body. Was she dead?
No, she wasn't dead. She realised this in the next moment when she thought about her baby, and the dim realisation that she had lost it. No-one needed to tell her that ; she knew, as a mother did, instinctively. Just because she hadn't held the child in her arms didn't make her any less of a mother – and didn't diminish her loss.
She started to whimper, her heart wrenching at the loss of her child. Nearby, she saw the movement of a body – a man's body – Daniel. " Hey, " he said when he saw she was awake. He didn't know what else to say – what did you say to a woman who'd just miscarried your child who wasn't exactly your partner? I'm sorry seemed a little to vanilla – so he reached for her hand instead.
She pulled it away, and he didn't try to hold onto it. Suddenly she was very aware that the only reason she and Daniel were on speaking terms was because of the baby. And now that she didn't have the baby – well, what reason was there for him to be here, other then the obligatory I'm sorry? She didn't have Daniel, she didn't have their baby – what point was there to pretending?
Daniel wasn't easily discouraged. Samantha's distraught screams had filled his heart with dread, and he hadn't left her side since she'd lost consciousness. He had been there with her while she haemorrhaged, had been conscious witness to the loss of their child while she had been blissfully unconscious. So much blood – he didn't know how she could survive it, let alone their child. After it became obvious the child wouldn't survive he had prayed that at least Samantha would. There could be other children in the future, but there would only ever be one Samantha…
And to his relief, she had survived. He had cried in unashamed relief when he was told she would be OK – in body, at least. She would need a lot of support to get over her loss – their loss. That was OK, he could do that. He would give her anything she needed. Watching her unconscious body had made him realise how much he cared for her. He had been a fool to react the way he had to her pregnancy. He wished to God he could have that time back, but at least he realised now what he had.
He would support her, they would get over their loss, they would move on – together. Daniel had decided that once she was better, he was taking her out on a proper date. Things had been so bizarre between them because of the baby, committed to each other without really being committed. They'd shared the physical intimacy of sex and the emotional intimacy of best friendship without the two combined to be in a relationship. That would change, he vowed. They would be a proper couple. Just as soon as she got better.
But Samantha wasn't aware of his plans for their future. All she could think about was the loss of the baby – her baby. Daniel had only acknowledged it a few weeks ago. Painfully, Samantha recalled his apathy to her pregnancy – he hadn't cared if she had an abortion or raised it as a single mother, but he didn't want any part of it. Vaguely she remembered him saying something to the contrary the day they had reconciled, but in her grief all she could remember was his apathy.
Daniel was only here to pay lip-service to her loss. Now that there was no baby, there was no reason for him to be with her.
He reached over the stroke her hair. She tensed up visibly, and he let his hand drop. Clearly, she wasn't ready for physical contact. He'd just sit here and keep her company instead.
Why are you still here? Samantha asked Daniel in her head. You don't need to be here just because you think you should. Her back turned to Daniel, she ignored his tentative touches until he gave up, thinking she needed time to herself.
He thought about telling her he was here for her, and decided against it. That much should have been obvious, and he didn't want to push her into interacting with him before she was ready. So he stayed for an hour, not saying anything, just watching her, until the doctor came (it was times like these he really missed Janet, he could have talked to her about what he was feeling and what was the best thing to do, but he couldn't talk to this doctor) and told him he should let Samantha have her rest.
Samantha was happy and sorry to have him go. Part of her desperately wanted him to stay. She had lost their baby, and she wanted him to hold her hand and tell her it was OK. But the stronger, more prideful part of her was convinced Daniel was only performing lip-service being by her bedside. They had only gotten together because of the baby, and now that there was no baby, he was probably celebrating his close call. What kind of man would want to be tied down to a woman because of a drunken one-night stand? No-one, Samantha thought sadly. Her heart ached for Daniel but she was too proud to tie him to her out of obligation.
Daniel had thought that, give a few days to grieve on her own, Samantha would open up to his company, she would be open to his small touches, his fingers laced through hers, his hand through her hair. But the days passed, and she grew nom ore receptive to him. If anything, she became more and more distant, almost resentful – like he had no right to be here, no right to encroach on her grief. Like just because she had carried the child, it was her exclusive property, that only she had loved it.
She treated him like a sperm doner who, with no child to show for it, was no longer useful.
He tried to talk to her. Tried to tell her about his own loss, but she didn't seem to hear him. All she could think about was the way he had first reacted to the news of her pregnancy. He hadn't wanted anything to do with it. Well, now he had his wish.
It wasn't that she felt animosity towards Daniel, beyond the resentment that he kept acting like they had been a real couple and not together for the sake of the baby. It was just that, in her mind, it had been her baby, and Daniel the reluctant father. Now she had lost the baby, and lost part of herself with it, and he was free, and she couldn't bear to have him around in this small capacity when she wanted him heart and soul. If she couldn't have him entirely, she didn't want him at all.
" I don't know why you're still here, " she told him stiffly one day about two weeks after the miscarriage. She kept her voice impersonal, afraid that if she didn't, she might break down and cry and make a fool of herself begging Daniel to stay. If he wanted to stay, it was of his own free will and not because of guilt.
Her cold, impersonal words struck at Daniel's heart. He had tried to be there for her in this part fortnight, and she'd rebuffed his words, his gentle caresses at every turn. It was like she had only reconciled with him because of the baby, and now that there was no baby, there was also no point.
He had thought the thing she'd had with Jack was over, but now he wasn't so sure. Had she just told him that because she thought he should be part of the baby's life? Had she lied to him for the sake of their child? She's got no reason to lie any more, he thought sadly. All the dreams he'd had for their future had been built on a foundation that hadn't existed. She was still carrying a torch of Jack O'Neill – that was the only thing he could come up with that made any sense. Why, after their closeness in the weeks before her miscarriage, with all their tentative plans for a life together, was she turning her back on it – unless she had only planned it for the sake of their child?
He wanted to cry, but he didn't want Samantha to feel sorry for him. If she wanted to be with Jack, he wasn't going to make her stay with him just because she felt guilty. She had been with him for the sake of the baby. Well, there was no baby anymore, so she was free.
He left without saying a word, afraid that anything he said would betray his heartbreak. He would no break down and cry when there was no hope. He would leave with some dignity. He consoled himself with the fact that, if she had only been with them for the sake of the child, it would not have been a happy relationship, so maybe it was a good thing the child hadn't been born.
But such words were cold comfort to him when he thought about the life he'd had planned for him and Samantha. He hadn't told anyone, of course, but everytime he passed a jewellery shop he took more then a passing glance at the selection of engagement and wedding rings, fantasising about one day putting one of her delicate fingers. Their child would have been a flower girl of page boy – they had never found out the sex.
They had never found out a lot of things. And now they never would.
In the privacy of his quarters, Doctor Daniel Jack broke down and wept for the loss of everything he held dear. His unborn child, who had come to mean more to him then he could ever have anticipated, the loss of his life with Samantha – which had turned out to be nothing more then an illusion. Samantha had never wanted him, she had always wanted Jack. He had just been an inconvenience, an obligation.
Oh, Sam, he thought as waved of grief and loss washed over him until he well he was drowning in his emotions. I wish we could have been what I wanted. I wish you wanted the same thing.
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In her infirmary bed, Samantha cried silent tears, not wanting to draw attention to herself. Not that anyone would have begrudged her tears, but nonetheless she didn't want people to see her cry – for the loss of her baby, for the loss of her life with Daniel, which had only been an illusion, but that didn't stop her from feeling its loss as painfully and completely as she felt the loss of her child.
It's better this way, she tried to tell herself. It's better I found out now then later. In that regard, maybe it had been a good thing for her to lose the child – growing up with parents who didn't want to be together was not a healthy way to be. It didn't stop Samantha was missing Daniel desperately though.
So she cried for the loss of her child and the loss of its father. She cried because she wanted so badly for Daniel to want to be with her. For eights years she had overlooked her archaeologist best friend thinking she'd wanted Jack, and now that she knew what she wanted, it was too late – that was, if Daniel had ever wanted her at all.
Now it didn't matter. She has lost her baby and she had lost Daniel, although she hadn't exactly had him in the first place. The only thing to do now was get on with life – without the two things she wanted most.
Oh, Daniel. I wish we could have been what I wanted. I wish you wanted the same thing.