Author's Note: I've taken Daniel's age from the Season Two episode 1969, in which Daniel says he would have been about 4 in 1969, which puts his year of birth at about 1965. Hence, he'd be forty or close to in Threads. (It screened in Australia early 2005). Michael Shanks was born in 1970, which makes him 34-5 in Threads.
The months went by, and Samantha and Daniel ceased speaking to each other unless it was absolutely necessary. There was no need to communicate – each thought the other had made their point clear – now that there was no baby, there was no need for them to have anything to do with each other.
In public both of them put up a good front that they were happy with this arrangement, that everything was hunky-dory.
In private they often cried themselves to sleep, pining for what could have been.
Jack watched the emotional deterioration of his 2IC with increasing concern and frustration. To everyone else, Samantha looked OK, but it was obvious to him that she was not. Losing the baby had been only a minor thing compared to losing Daniel.
For the first month, Jack had hoped she would just get over it. He had never seen the appeal of Daniel. The guy was too emotional, too much of a dork.
But emotional dork or no, Samantha loved him, and as much as it pained Jack to admit that, he loved her too much to have her remain in misery. If he thought it would work, he would have moved in on her himself. He loved her, and wanted to be with her – he would have resigned from the military if he thought it would help. But he knew it wouldn't. Any fool could see how deeply she loved Daniel. And how deep her hurt ran for not having him. So Jack, in his love for her, would do his best to see them together. If you love someone, set them free, he thought wryly. Well, I certainly love you. Samantha Carter. Enough to see you with someone else.
But like all great plans, this one proved tougher in reality then it looked in Jack's head. Samantha was absolutely determined not to risk her heart again. " We were only together because of the baby, Sir, " she said. " What's the point of pretending otherwise? " She wanted to confide in Jack everything, about how much in pained her everytime she saw Daniel, how much it broke her heart everytime she heard two women talk about how gorgeous he was, how she imagined that it was only a matter of time before he turned his attention to one of those women. He was a man, after all. But pride prevented her from confessing her true feelings. It wouldn't achieve anything, except to have Jack think less of her. Samantha Carter, emotional woman, she thought bitterly. How she wished she could be stoic like Jack. It would be easy then feeling like she was feeling right now.
But then, she would never have felt the rapture she'd felt in Daniel's arms, either.
Stop it, Carter! Samantha ordered herself. Thinking about that is not going to help. It's only going to make you more miserable. But thinking about Daniel came easily to Samantha, as easily as breathing.
It was obvious Samantha was happy to pretend everything was fine. Jack felt sympathy for her. She had been trained to ignore every 'female' instinct such as love – to be in love was to be weak, to be a woman. And damned if she would show that she was weak. She could be just as stoic as any man on this base – and that was her biggest weakness, Jack thought. Screw being stoic, love was far more important. He wished he'd known that when it had mattered, with Sara and then with Samantha. But that was in the past, his concern now was making Samantha happy. So he tried to talk to Daniel instead, hoping the civilian cared less about being stoic then his Colonel did.
… Daniel was no more open to Jack's matchmaking attempts then Samantha had said. " We were only making an effort because of the baby, so why bother now? " he asked, sounding eerily like Samantha. Jack wondered if they'd been reading from the same book. You Don't Want To Admit You're in Love : The Top Ten Ways of Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip.
" Maybe you should talk to her, " Jack suggested. " I think she's just putting an appearance up for your sake. "
Daniel's blue eyes burned at this suggestion. " She rejected me, " he recalled. " I was there every day for her while she turned her back to me until I just gave up. She doesn't care, Jack. We made a mistake and now it's over. We have no reason to have anything to do with each other. "
There was finality in his voice, but heartbreak too. He thought about confiding in Jack the heartache he felt whenever he saw Samantha, how he wanted to punch any guy he overheard admiring Samantha's attributes (especially the more cruder admirations) like Samantha was still his girl – which she had never been, anyway. No way. Jack already thought he was an emotional dork. Daniel wasn't giving him any more ammunition.
" There's nothing to talk about, Jack, " Daniel said. " I'd appreciated if you didn't bring it up again. " His tone of voice made it clear that was the end of the discussion.
Jack felt like tearing his hair out. The two of them could be so bloody stubborn! What he wouldn't give for the good old days back. Daniel may have gotten on his nerves with his obsession with stupid artefacts, and Samantha may have gotten on his nerves trying to prove she was equal to men in every way but God he missed them.
He realised he was dealing with two stubborn people and nothing he could say was going to convince them of what was blatantly obvious to anyone else – that they were made for each other. They would just have to work that out for themselves. Hopefully soon.
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But another month passed, and nothing happened. Soon the indifference Daniel and Samantha pretended towards each other made way to the real thing, or something resembling it. The truth was, they weren't over each other and never would be. But they learnt to get along together, to enjoy something resembling a professional relationship, as if nothing had happened between them. For a while their truce of sorts seemed to be holding, and the Stargate Command was a more peaceful place.
And then Daniel started seeing someone.
More accurately, she started seeing him. She was a pretty twenty-four-year-old blond waitress from a diner Daniel liked to patron when he got above ground. She had struck up a conversation with him one day and, upon extracting the information that he worked for the airforce on a 'classified' project, she had fallen heavily in lust with him. The combination of Secret Agent and Hunk would have made him incredibly desirable, had he ever thought to exploit it, which he hadn't. But there was something very soothing to the ego to have a hot young women practically throwing yourself at you – especially when the one you really wanted was coolly distant.
Mandie (what was it with girls who added 'ie' to their names when 'y' would have sufficed?) had done everything in her power to let Daniel know she was interested in him. A casual brush against him, a flirtatious smile, a handful of compliments for her favourite customer, and he soon got the hint and asked her out. It wasn't like he had anything better to do.
They went to see a movie, which they missed most of because they were making out, and Daniel ended up screwing her doggy-style when they got back to his apartment. He used a condom. He wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.
Besides, it was already dawning on him what a mistake it would be to be tethered to someone to Mandie for the next twenty years. She was perky, and adoring, and knew her way around the bedroom, but she wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box. Maybe he was used to dealing with the Samantha Carters of the world – or at least the Jack O'Neills – but Mandie wasn't exactly bright. Neither were her friends, who thought it was awesome that she had landed herself a Hunky Secret Agent Man.
But she was fun to be around, she didn't make many demands on his time, and she was a willing and innovative partner in bed. Although more then once Daniel had caught himself wondering what the hell he was doing with someone so young. You're nearly forty, what are you doing? He asked himself from time to time. But Mandie always made him forget the question, let alone the answer, with one of her techniques.
Except when she was gone, and he spent the night alone in his bed, and his mind wandered to another blond who always crept into his mind when he wasn't thinking about anything else. She was his brain's default setting. She wasn't as pretty as Mandie, or as pert, or as technically adept, but she had set him on fire in a way that Mandie couldn't do.
And she didn't give a damn about him. Damn her.
So it was easy to conduct a kind of quasi-relationship with Mandie. She understood that his classified airforce work took up a lot of his time, and she was too shallow to realise whatever thoughts preoccupied him on the surface, underneath he was always thinking about another woman.
But that woman didn't want him, so why not be with one who did? Mandie didn't make any great demands on him, and she was always a warm, willing body that helped stop him thinking about someone else.
Soon the gossip filtered through the Stargate Command that Doctor Jackson was seeing a young, hot blond. Once the gossip started circulating through Cheyenne Mountain, it didn't take long for it to reach Samantha's ears.
And the shock just about killed her.
In her mind, she had prepared for the eventuality that Daniel would start seeing other women. But she would never be able to fully prepare herself for the reality. Especially when the reality was so young, and cute. Samantha was suddenly very aware of her age. She was healthy, and she was in excellent shape thanks to her military training, but she knew she couldn't compare with Mandie's youthful perkiness. And she bet Mandie was one of those girls who started out in the bedroom early, so she had lots of experience and tricks to keep Daniel entertained.
The shock of Daniel's involvement with another woman, and such a woman, opened up new wounds. It also made her aware of a date on the calendar that she'd been trying to ignore : the birth of her child. Her and Daniel's child. A date she bet Daniel was blissfully unaware of.
The combination of the two things proved to be too much for her and she broke down in tears. She had never been more aware of the loss of Daniel then she was right now. Daniel was gone. Their baby was gone. She felt she had nothing to live for.
After crying for over two hours, and the feeling of loss just seeping deeper and deeper through her soul, it occurred to Samantha that there was a way out of this. She composed herself – it wouldn't do for some well-meaning person to stop her on the way to the infirmary – and made her way to the infirmary, where all manner of drugs (including some powerful sedatives not available on the market) were kept. She knew exactly what she was looking for, and helped herself to a bottle full of sedatives. By the time anyone realised they were missing, it would be too late to do anything about it.
Back in her quarters, she quickly swallowed the entire bottle of pills. May as well go the whole hog. Soon enough, she began to feel the effects of the sedatives and looked forward to the relief they would bring. Sweet relief. She would no longer have to think about Daniel or their baby…
But it went against Samantha's nature to leave without an explanation. If there was one thing she hated, it was her actions being interpreted contrary to what she'd intended. Now that she had nothing to lose, she may as well be honest about her feelings for Daniel. With the clarity of someone near death, she realised she had been a little too harsh on Daniel, pushed him away when maybe she could have let him in. Who knows what might have happened if she'd opened up to him rather then protecting herself from possible rejection? It was too late now, he was involved with that silly blond bitch, but Samantha was suddenly filled with the desire to set the record straight before she died.
Dear Daniel, she scribbled on a piece of paper she took from her desk.
I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression about how I felt about you, and our baby. I'm sorry if I let you believe I was in love with Jack. From the moment you first kissed me, it was about you, and only you. I pushed you away because I was scared, because I was so used to the idea of being in love with Jack, and I knew how to handle that situation, that the idea of anything different scared me. The idea of being with you scared me because I wouldn't be in control. I wouldn't be Colonel-Samantha-Carter-you-will-obey-my-order. I would just be Sam, part of a relationship. And that's something I'm not used to.
But I always loved you, even if I didn't show it. After I lost our baby, I wanted you so much. But I didn't want you to be with me just out of obligation. So I pushed you away. I'm sorry, maybe I should have been more open. I suppose
it doesn't matter now but I just want you to know that I love you, I always have.
… Sam.
She put the pen and paper on the ground, satisfied with the sentiment. It was kind of sappy for her, but then, it didn't really matter anymore. With the sudden burst of energy to write a goodbye note gone, she felt her eyelids become very heavy as the sedative set in. She lay down on the floor and drifted off to sleep. Goodbye, Daniel, were her last thoughts.
Author's Note:
Yeah, I know, I said this was my last chapter. But Chapter Five really in my last chapter. I just wanted to keep you all in suspense.
Chapter Five coming soon!