Haven't I been here before?

Red Cap – Series 3 – Episode 2

Hohenbruck Army Base, Germany

Day 1

03:15 hrs, Monday

Those eyes stared at her. She always tried to look away. She could not. Those eyes paralysed her, held her tight against the cold floor. Clear, the eyes turned blue, then green, then deep, deep brown. She found herself staring her own face, dead.

Jo sat up straight.

A moment passed before she remembered where she was, safe, in her barracks, as if the past four months never happened.

Jo stopped outside the back door of the office. All ready she could hear voices arguing back and forth. She closed her eyes, concentrating, trying to pull out the voices, to know who she was about to face. She straightened her jacket. Feeling by touch, she made sure that the part in her hair had not fallen, that the sprigs where her hair had not yet grown in were covered by the longer layer. She knew she looked exactly as she had the day she had left, on the outside anyway.

"Well its nice to see that you've managed to make it on time." Jo jumped as Frost came up the stairs behind her. Jo just stood there as Frost past her. "You are coming?" She looked over her shoulder, giving Jo an up and down look that let Jo know how very much she was right back to where she started. The only good thing that had come out of all of this was that at the very least, Frost was not in charge of the section. Jo took a deep breath and followed her in.

"In here." Frost motioned into Burns' old office.

Jo stopped, staring at the name plate on the door.

"Is there a problem?" Jo stared at her then back at the name plate.

"But-" Frost stared back at her.

"But what?"

"I thought-"

"Sgt. McDonagh, it is good to see you." Capt. Howard motioned her into the office. Jo had no excuse not to. "How are you feeling?" Howard's concern was always genuine.

"Well, I'll leave the formalities to Sgt Major Frost and let you get settled in. You'll let me know if you need anything?" She had left. She had gone to Iraq. She had gone so this did not happen.

"You'll be on restricted duty, of course." Frost set right in on her. Jo was still trying to decide which was worse, the thought of serving under Frost or Roper. Frost was glaring at her. "You'll remain here until you pass your fit to fight test, provided that you pass it. No reflection on you, of course, but even the hardest soldier would have a hard time coming back what you have been through."

"When will I need to take the test?" Jo kept her face neutral. There was no point in making this any more disasterous than it all ready was. She slipped a quick glance out of the window into the incident room, looking for some understanding of why Frost was occupying this office, wondering why, after she had spent weeks dreading the return, that she was disappointed he was not here.

"I'll discuss it with your doctors. For now, you'll be watched to make sure you aren't doing anything that might compromise this section." She seemed to notice that Jo was only half listening to her. "There have been some changes around here since you've been gone." Frost stated the obvious.

"I know."

"You do?"

"Sgt Major Burns told me he was leaving before..." The irritation on Frost's face that Jo knew something before she did made Jo purse her lips together to stop speaking.

"Yes." Jo lied. Haith had been in Iraq. Her debriefings had gone on for days. A black hole occupied the part of her memory where her entire time in Basra should have been.

"Good." Frost did not believe her. "We also have a new sergeant, Sgt. Exeter. You'll meet him at the morning briefing."

"That's fine, ma'am."

"Don't think that I'm not happy that you've somehow managed to come through this, Jo." Jo levelled a gaze at Frost. She knew exactly how Frost felt. For one second, Jo could have wished that the crack to her head was just a touch harder. "Burns was the one that got you posted back here, not me. With the amount of change that has happened, I need every member of my team to be able work effectively and under my direction. If you don't feel that you can do that, you need to tell me now. I don't have the inclination or the luxury of being able to hand out favours for you."

Jo had been dreading coming back here. Nothing she had imagined could even have hinted at this. Working under Roper would have tried and tested every bit of her. Working under Frost, well, this was unimaginable. Too much was flying past Jo, Burns taking the initiative to bring her back, Frost heading the section.

Jo's head started to ache, twinges of white sliding into her vision.

"I'll be just fine, ma'am," was what Jo said instead of running from the office all the way back to the UK.

"Well, then, you'll be in the office, taking care of files, taking reports, things like that. You will not be allowed out in the field or be assigned to any investigations. You'll be - "

"The office girl, ma'am?" Jo did not regret the remark, even with Frost's cold gaze levelled on her. Jo pursed her lips, looking as blank as she could.

"Remarks like that are why I don't think you'll be able to be an asset to this section." Frost shot back.

"Yes, ma'am."

"I'll trust that you will refrain from them in the future."

"Ma'am."

"Well, that's all. Your old desk is vacant so you can settle in there. The briefing will start in five minutes. Please inform the section." Frost dismissed her without so much as a look.

"Ma'am." Jo turned, heading out the door to face the rest of the section.

Bruce had her in a bear hug and off her feet before she had gotten two steps out the door. Jo struggled to get loose. The harder she fought to get away, the harder he held. Panic set it. Bruce's arms constricting around her felt like they were crushing her lungs.

"Bruce!"

He dropped her. His crestfallen expression softened her heart. She tried to cover her glare.

"Just happy to see you is all." Bruce mumbled.

"That's all right. You just startled me." Jo consoled him, straightening her jacket. Bruce backed away from her.

"Jo!" Angie came running. Bruce caught her before she reached Jo.

"Hi, Angie." Jo looked about to make sure no one else snuck up on her.

"Hi." Angie looked as sadden as Bruce did. Jo could not think of anything to say to make her smile.

"You must be Jo. I'm Charlie Exeter." A young, posh, black man, Charlie reached his hand out to her. Jo shook it. "Boss doesn't seem all that pleased that you're back." He commented. "I hope that's a good thing?" He winked at her.

Jo looked around for a way to extricate her self from the thong that was starting to gather around her. Everyone smiled, nodding at her. She knew they wished her well. Her gaze rested over on her old desk, sitting disused, the desktop empty save the dusty computer. She edged her way past Bruce, hoping that everyone would just go back to their duties, to allow her time to adjust to having so many people around. Her mum's house seemed a far cry away, and not so much a prison as she had thought it had become. No luck, Bruce and Charlie followed her.

"You're lucky you weren't here." Bruce said, then immediately clamped his mouth shut at the implication. Jo checked through the drawers of the desk. "Burns leaving, Howard gave his posting to Roper." Jo looked up.

"Then what's Frost doing there?"

"Roper turned it down." Jo stopped, looking up at him. Bruce shrugged and shook his head. "No one will say what happened but he turned it down. There was some big row between he and Burns and Roper turned it down. So Frost got it." Jo sat down, looking around the room, digesting that. She did not know if she wanted to ask the next question. Bruce answered it for her without her having to ask. "Roper's over at drugs. Montgomery got posted…well, he got posted to Basra after…well, after all that. So Howard gave Roper the section."

"That's good." Her voice sounded faint.

"Right, well-"

"I trust you've all gotten yourselves acquainted." Frost breezed through. "I want your attention on me now." Jo sat down in her old chair, causing a cloud of dust, while the rest situated themselves around the incident board.

"What's up, Boss?" Bruce asked cheerfully. Frost glared at him before turning to the rest.

"A visiting brigadier was accosted last night on base. The assailants made off with his wallet as well as some other personal articles." Charlie's hand went up. Frost ignored him. "He was not able to give a description of the men who robbed him apart from that there were two of them, young, male, probably soldiers. The assault took place on the pavement behind the administration building. The soccos have all ready been over the place. They came up with two sets of foot prints, sizes eleven and thirteen, army issue boots."

"That narrows it down." Bruce mumbled, then grinned sheepishly as if he had not been aware he had said it aloud.

"SSgt McDonagh, would you like to join us?" Frost snapped without looking at her.

Jo cringed as every head in the room swung in her direction at the rank change. She walked her chair over, sinking down into it and lowering her head so she would not have to see those faces. It was bad enough being back here. The promotion had been the army's idea of rewarding her actions in Basra, actions she did not remember, actions she was less than sure merited any reward. She had been taken prisoner. She had let at least one RMP die without doing at thing as far as anyone knew. The Staff Sergeant rank was a noose hanging around her neck every day, as if she needed any reminders.

"SSgt. Haith and Sgt. Hornsby will lead the investigation. I want it the guilty parties brought in a timely fashion. I will not have soldiers disrespecting their superiors. This will not be tolerated. I will be personally speaking to the brigadier this morning with Captain Howard. I want all information to come to me before it falls on anyone else's ears. "Am I understood?" A flurry of head nods went around the room. "Get to it then." She barked. Everyone was up on their feet in an instant. Frost gave the room a self satisfied look before heading out.

The minute she left, Jo's desk was surrounded again.

"Well, well, well, Staff Sergeant." Bruce was standing over her, arms crossed over his barrel chest, grinning down at her.

"Whatever."

"Next thing I know you'll be running the whole army."

"If it isn't little Sgt. McDonagh." A tall, sandy haired man stood over her, grinning down at her. Jo did not like him instantly. This was SSgt Haith. She knew him from pictures. "I'd ask you to come along with Hornsby and I but the last time you came along, the whole thing went pear shaped."

"Now really." Bruce protested for her.

"SSgt McDonagh is restricted to desk duty until she proves she can handle herself." Frost snapped, appearing over Bruce's shoulder. She elbowed her way past him, dropping a pile of folders on Jo's desk. "Take care of these." She bestowed a simpering smile before turning and leaving again. Jo growled to herself.

"Welcome home, Jo." Bruce told her apologetically.

"Right." Jo muttered, flipping through the pile. "So happy to be here."

"At least the rest of us will be safe for awhile." Haith remarked as he left.

As she changed into her running clothes, Jo was afraid to sit down on her bed. If she did, she did not think she would be able to get back up. She had done nothing but file closed cases for the entire day, leaning over file cabinets left her exhausted. She laced up her trainers, light headed as she stood. The headache that loomed all day sat in the back of her head, threatening. She rubbed the furrowed scar running along the side of her head, a vain attempt to massage it away.

She stretched her legs out in her room, not wanting to be out, available to everyone that seemed to want to welcome her back, unaware of how each of their smiles and handshakes made her aware that she had been gone, why she had been gone.

The cool German air came as a welcome breeze against her skin. Jo looked both ways and headed off west at a slow jog, away from him.

"Jo!" It was too soon, too soon to see him. She quickened her pace, hoping he would not follow her.

The stillness of the woods seemed a thankful sanctuary. The only noise breaking the silence was her steps on the ground, a slight breeze through the tops of the trees. She concentrated on each footfall, one in front of the other, quickening her pace every twenty steps. She ignored the twitch in her side, the menacing headache that still threatened but refused to overwhelm her just yet. Four months of running and still, only a mile in, her breath came rough, her legs ached, sweat soaked through her clothes, her hair. The scar on her head itched insatiately.

Jo grunted as she slipped and fell. The fall jarred her knees first as she skidded, face first down onto the trail. Her vision went screechingly white, tunnelling then completely blocking out the trees around her. She could not get up. She could not even breathe. Panic edged in as nausea gripped her. Somehow she managed to spit. She had not eaten anything all day. She just lay there for awhile.

The only thing that propelled her to get to her feet was the prospect of someone happening on her. She crawled her way up a tree, holding to it, trying to clear her vision enough to make it back to the barracks. She wanted to scream at the pain in her head. She pressed her cheek against the rough bark of the tree, trying to control her breathing, trying to somehow push the pain away.

Hours, it took her hours to get back. Tree by tree, falling several times again, she made it back to the tree line bordering the parade grounds. She hung on the last tree in the encroaching evening dim, surveying the path back to the sergeants' barracks. Barely she could see that the area was clear. She took a deep breath and headed out into the open.

She kept her head down, rubbing her forehead to cover. She walked slowly, trying to appear purposeful in her steps. She nearly tripped as she came onto the pavement. A truck horn blared at her. She stumbled back onto the grass.

"Feel like a pint, Jo?" She peered out through the blinding light. Charlie stared at her.

"No," she mumbled, "no, not tonight." She stumbled past him.

"Are you all right?" She pushed him away as he grasped her arm.

"I'm fine. Just tired. Let me alone." She pushed her way through the door of the barracks.

Her room provided a dark sanctuary. Jo closed the door, sliding down it to sit on the floor.

I will not cry. I will not cry. The tears came anyway, more from the pressure in her head than anything else. She crawled across the floor, grasping at the bottles of medications on the desk. She threw the first bottle across the room, grabbing at another. She had to hold it to her nose to see the print on the tab. She struggled to open the bottle, downing a pill. She sunk down, curling up in a ball, waiting for the pain to end.