Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will. As if you haven't heard that before. ;)
Warnings: Hisoka is probably OOC here. Also, Hisoka/Tsuzuki one sided pairing.
Shards
You're an idiot, you know that? A true idiot. Every time I turn around, you are constantly doing something stupid. Like now. Right now, you're sleeping at your desk again, your discarded candy wrappers haphazardly spread around you, and no doubt under you at that. Tatsumi is going to yell at you again, and yet, at the moment, you probably don't care.
And scarily enough, I wouldn't have it any other way. Its good to have you back, to have you acting normal, well, normal for you at any rate. I know I don't express that often enough, I know I don't respond with anything more then abuse, but right now, that's all I can respond with. A part of me wants to ignore the whole incident, and just not try to remember.
But the other part remembers all too well. Its that part that makes me wake up screaming your name at night, its that part of me that makes me call you at three in the morning, just to make sure you're there. It's the part that knows behind that cheerful mask, there lays the darkness of despair, grief, and guilt. There lie the darkest, strongest emotions I have ever felt course through me, and makes me wonder why you still stayed sometimes. Because if I had to bear them, I would have ended it a long time ago.
But you stayed, you stayed for me. I begged you to, and you did. I've never begged before that moment, not once. Not even when Muraki… did that to me. Yet, for you, and you only, I begged for the first time in my life. Because you were worth breaking my honor and pride over, and I've never regretted it.
I wonder if you do though. Sometimes I catch you looking out the window with such a sad look, that all I want to do is hold you, to make sure you keep your promise to me. I couldn't bear to lose you, you must understand, even if I can't tell you now.
Its hard for me, so very hard, to feel such a complete dependency on someone else. Always, always it's been that I was the only one I could depend on. My parents hated me, Muraki used me, and no one else cared. Till you, and somewhere along the line, you became the very foundation of my world.
I am scared of that foundation crumbling to ash, because I would crumble with it. That terrifies me so much, because I've put everything into your hands. The only comfort I have, is that you've put everything into mine. So, if you break that promise, you'll break us both, not just me.
That doesn't give me as much comfort as I need, though. Ever since Kyoto… Everyday, I fear that I won't be enough, and considering the way that I act towards you, I wonder why I was enough to pull you back in the first place.
Don't leave me, Tsuzuki, I know I'm not as kind as I should be. I yell at you and abuse you when I'm embarrassed, and I never express what I really feel. I don't know how. You must understand, I just…. can't. Its like my emotions are trapped deep within me, while everyone else's emotions are constantly at the gates of my mind. I can't let mine out unless I let theirs in. And letting theirs in, hurts too much for me to risk it just yet.
I wish you could understand, I hope you do. I don't want to hurt you; I want to protect you, as much as you've protected me. Yet, how can I protect you, when I only hurt you?
Yet, not all is lost, I suppose. You've managed to tear down some of my shields, and I find I can smile without hitting someone. It's a small start, but it's a start, and I am willing to keep opening myself, if you'll be willing to help me. Because I can't do it without you, Tsuzuki. I really can't, I just don't know how.
I look up as I hear you mummer, and I watch as you wake up, stretching with feline grace. I can't help the vague smile on my lips as you do so, and I don't try to hide it. You blink a few times, before coming to focus on me, an apologetic smile on your lips.
"Sorry, 'Soka, didn't mean to fall asleep," you say, soft, and a tad bit sleepily.
"Its alright," I am resolving here and now not to call you an idiot, unless you really deserve it. I need to be nicer, beating you all the time isn't going to help your mental state, or mine. It'll require a strict code of patience, and I will falter, but I want to try to be nicer.
Because I need you by me. Otherwise, I am alone with only the shards of my soul, and that scares me more then I care to admit.
It's a bit wrong to use you like that, I know. But…. It's okay to use someone if you love them, right? It's okay to use someone that loves you if you love them, right? Because I do love you, Tsuzuki, even though I'm terrified to admit it.
It seems everything scares me right now, though; I try to keep it hidden from you. I don't need you to worry about me; I need you to worry about yourself. I need to hold together to keep you in one piece, because if I falter… My soul will shatter, and yours might as well. That I can't risk.
You smile, that overly sugary smile you've mastered, the smile that used to make me want to beat you over the head just to make sure you didn't go hyper on me. But now, it's a reassurance, that things can become normal again, that I can stop fretting every moment that you'll leave me alone.
I smile back a little. Just stay, Tsuzuki, you're the only thing holding the shards of my soul together.