W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s
Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine
Dedicated to the pants wearing people of planet Earth, who are the backbone of all the other pants wearing species.
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Anna Kyoyama: Notorious Pants Queen
Anna is a dress wearing terror, who hardly ever wears pants. It's rather sad, for she has such great pants wearing potential. Why would she wear a dress when she can wear pants? Why were dresses even created when everyone could just as happily wear pants and skip freely in them instead?
"Why indeed..." the only pair of pants Anna has said. The first notes of lively waltzing music starts up. Although it is very much against her will, Anna is waltzing with her pants, to the most disturbing music her ears have ever had the pleasure of hearing.
"Do you all see that? That non-pants-wearing-girl-who-wore-pants-once is the Pants Queen, my little pants-like friends!" Yoh the Pants King said to his pants while sitting on his throne.
"It makes me chuckle, this silly waltzing that I do not comprehend. This waltz with pants...it is almost as good as the color orange! But not nearly as good as the smell of freshly manufactured pants, of course! Or the smell of artificially flavored pants, for that matter."
Does it surprise you that this dress-wearing terror who is constantly wearing dresses wore pants once? It certainly surprises Chompy, who is a squirrel that enjoys eating wilted mushrooms while watching the full moon.
In all reality, Anna's pants are really what earthlings would call "shorts". That's all fine and jolly, but what kind of story would this be if it featured shorts? In this alternate universe, her so-called "shorts" are going to magically become PANTS! That's right! All hail the mighty pants who are going to free us from our secular shackles!
These pants have a strawberry on the right side of the pants leg, with the words "Great Berry World" underneath. A wide black belt that has a great big shiny buckle that features a girl in braids with a crown, keep the Pants Queen's pants up!
It appears as though these pants are 83 percent polyester and 17 percent cotton. There are a great many wrinkles, in the many folds of polyester and cotton.
The Shaman King cast in all their silken tofu finery (including their silken tofu pants!), witnessed this waltz. They brought all their camera-like devices to capture this once in a lifetime opportunity to see the Pants Queen actually waltz with her pants.
Yes, they were going to have to pay in some physical or mental way for putting this on film and witnessing it, but it would be worth it. The beatings with the wet noodles would be nothing compared to seeing her highness's pants! Being forced to dance like an idiot would shatter their mentality forever, but why would it matter when they could bask in the glory of the wondrous pants?
The Pants Queen has even greater authority and more privileges than the Pants King. That is because behind every great Pants King, are the Pants Queen's pants. She can steal the Pants King's pants and have full custody of them until he does her bidding, whereas the Pants King cannot do such things.
She can consume grass when partaking of pants wearing. No one in the Pants Court can do that, and that includes the Pants King!
It is not mandatory that she wear pants every waking moment, for she is quite partial to dresses. (the Pants Queen...is so evil! Does she not understand that pants are by far the better gender as opposed to dresses?) The only times when she is permitted to wear dresses are when she is in the presence of herself. Pants wearing is expected of the Queen when she is in public, or surrounded by people who are not the Pants King or herself.
Only on special occasions (Winter Solstice, National Squirrel Day etc.) must she wear pants. Her pants wearing must also take place when in the Pants Court and when settling all royal pants wearing matters.
Chompy waltzed in with his makeshift wilted mushroom pants, laughing in a most charming manner. This scared everyone very muchly, for Chompy was making farm animal sounds in their midst. The mushrooms all but fell off in his wake, revealing yet another pair of pants that were furry and brown. (that's really fur, my friends...)
Chompy shook his open mouth around, causing saliva to fly every which way. Chompy's accomplices (Niblick, Verticillaster, and Troglodyte), performed the mirror image of what Chompy had previously done. Together, the four of them caused a saliva rain shower. It was so much like rain, only with the added bonus of...ENZYMES!
"Is this...acid?" Tamao cried. "My skin is starting to peel from this brutal rain with added enzymes!"
"I feel like I'm being DIGESTED!" Hao said, with hands on his head, running around with pants on, screaming. (AN: the enzymes in saliva help you digest stuff!)
Lyserg, who has not been here yet, bursts out of a random door that appeared for no reason at all, trails in with a toaster on a leash. A friendly looking piece of toast pops out and squeaks, a squeak of blood lust! Marco follows him, in a nice, pink, frilly, lacy, thing that would be classified as a dress.
"Do away with that dress wearing fool, your majesty of the pants!" Ryu said.
"Pants Guard, rip his dress to shreds! Before that, though, put pants on him!" Yoh commanded. "I sentence him to a lifetime of pants wearing!"
"No! You cannot do this to me! I will DIE before a pair of pants touches my legs!" Marco said. (apparently, he is forgetting that he too is a pants wearer!)
"Go ahead. Die. It would save us all a lot of effort." Anna said.
"I...I think that I will pick the pants wearing, your highness of the pants," Marco said. Then, in a whisper, he said this: "They can take away my dress wearing freedom! But they will never take away my precious, little, plastic moo moo cow! No, never!" Marco said, laughing in a twisted manner.
The Pants Guard put a pair of training pants on Marco. They ripped his dress to mere shreds, causing Marco to cry.
"Yay! We bear ill will against dress wearers!" the pants wearing court shouted as a sniffling Marco is dragged away by the Pants Guard. (they don't know how the Pants Queen secretly wears dresses without their knowledge!)
The Pants Queen and her pants started their waltz again, dancing to the music of dresses being ripped by the hands (or paws?) of Chompy, Niblick, Verticillaster, and Troglodyte.
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The Story Behind the Stuffing
This is the story of Chompy, a stuffed animal. He is full of beans and stuffing. His fur is synthetic, as are his teeth, ears, and tail.
"The other live squirrels always made fun of me!" Chompy cries, remembering the days when he was just a squirrel-ling. "I was told that I would never become anything more than a mushroom-eating, full moon-watching toy!"
"I was going to prove them all wrong! I was to have the last the last laugh!" Chompy says, laughing madly and rocking on his spineless back.
"To this very day, I still have not figured out a way to prove them wrong!" (AN: Well, his brain IS composed of cotton, after all...) he said, ferociously eating mushrooms by the bag. "I'm going to make them all monumental dunces!"
We all pity poor Chompy. It is not his fault that he has turned the tides of war against his favor—he was just too cool for his own good. All we can do while we sit at home eating our television oriented food is fight for the right thing-squirrel rights.
One day, when humans will no longer oppress the squirrels, firm tofu will become our friends.
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AN: Anna really does wear pants—in the manga, book 4! I'm uber sorry that I didn't update as soon as I usually do—I got stuck writing Anna's chapter. :3 Is anyone frightened by "The Story Behind the Stuffing"? That extremely short story was the result of boredom and immense love for squirrels!
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To my reviewers, whom I hold in the highest esteem:
Trey Jabcobs-Hello anonymous friend! I thank thee greatly for reviewing and reading mine story. That's makes you cool.
MerndaSaysDownWithWormtail-That monkey boy...is going to get you, Mernda-chan, so you'd better hide the ears of your dog! Update update update your Harry Potter thingy because I want to know what happens next! I'll read it, review, and then laugh at you!
KimBob-I think it odd that my butter infatuated-ness is rubbing off on you, ha ha! You're the only one who ever answers my questions in the author's note, and I thank you greatly for that! Oh yeah...the things you've been writing? I think I called them monologues...well, I was WRONG-a monologue is when one character speaks! Speaking of which, thanks for writing that really long "thing in which the characters spoke" for me—I had great fun reading it! (domo arigatou for liking mine, even though it wasn't all that great!)
It almost took up half the review page! You make me chuckle! I really want to write one back...but my brain is telling me, "No, you will not! You'll kill off the few brain cells you have left if you dare to commit such an evil act!" You asked why Anna brought all that water to the wedding when you reviewed "The Former Shaman King". Anna brought all that water for fear of someone getting dehydrated! Joke, joke. I was being stupid when I wrote that...so don't take it too seriously, you silly squirrel! The great amount of water that was brought to the wedding was really a plot device and something to make the reader laugh while reading the story!