W.a.l.t.z o.f. t.h.e. P.a.n.t.s
Disclaimer: Shaman King isn't mine.
Claimer: Cousin, in all her deformed glory, belongs to me and you are liable to eating outrageous amounts of kitty litter if she is found dead on your doorstep. Joke, joke...
Dedicated to the people of Earth who wear pants that are fighting for the greater good without realizing it: pants wearing!
Apache, Blue Chateau, Space Shot, Muscle Punch and Ball Boy: Pants Wearers United
These pants wearing gangsters are going where no other pants wearing gangsters have ever gone before - a talk show.
The host was, of course, a geekling named Cousin. Our gangster friends are seated on an uncomfortable couch composed of rather sharp nails, whereas the host sits on a soft chair of leather.
"Greetings, friends," Cousin began. "On today's show, our guest stars are: Apache, Blue Chateau, Space Shot, Muscle Punch and Ball Boy! Do tell me, dears, how you got into the razzle-dazzle business of wearing pants in the first place."
"Yes, I can tell you!" Ball Boy said. "I love wearing pants so much that it's unhealthy! It all began when..."
"Uh-huh..." Cousin said, nodding her deformed head. Did he intend to keep running his mouth?
"...then, my mother told me to get off the barnacle-covered man, and I said "No!" and she said "NOW!" and I said "No!" an—" Ball Boy said, stopping abruptly for he was intrigued by the scene that was unfolding in front of him. Cousin was rolling around on the floor, hands over her ears, and was wailing in a screechy voice.
As suddenly as she had started rolling on the floor, she got up again and sat back down. "How often do your wear these pants of yours, Ball Boy?" she asked, much to the astonishment of her guest stars who were gaping at her as though she'd told them to commit suicide and then come back to life again.
Apache regained his composure and replied in a dramatic manner. "He wears those pants...every...waking...moment!" Apache cried, burying his face into his hands.
"The extent of his love for pants is shown by his lack of an article of clothing called a 'shirt'!" Blue Chateau said proudly. "I, for one, wear pants as a means of protection!"
"Protection...?" Cousin said slowly. "Do tell!"
"Yes, Blue Chateau, tell us!" Ball Boy, Space Shot, Apache and Muscle Punch chimed in.
"Well, okay. My pants are long and come with a nice, friendly belt!" Blue Chateau said happily.
"How very descriptive you are, my friend," Cousin said, adjusting her wire rimmed glasses with plastic wrap for the lenses. She turns her deformed face towards the sobbing Apache. "My, my Apache! What a big boy you are!" she said, tying a bib on him and attempting to comfort the disconsolate pants wearing man.
"I...am...NOT...a...boy!" Apache roared, for his sobs had come to an abrupt halt. The bib was destroyed soon after.
"Apache! We didn't know! How terribly gross!" Ball Boy, Space Shot, and Muscle Punch said, each of them, in turn, making a face of utter shock.
"I...am a man who wears pants!" Apache said proudly, jabbing his thumb at his chest. "How do I tell the story of my pants to such a simpleton?" he said, throwing a glance at Cousin who was asking Ball Boy what would happen if she taped her mouth and nostrils shut.
"Listen, everyone!" Apache said. Everyone turned his way. Everyone except for Cousin who was attempting to tape her mouth and nostrils. "That includes you, Cousin!"
"Oh...right!" Cousin said, hastily hiding the tape roll from sight and turning her attention towards Apache.
"My pants are of a length that exceeds the ankles! At the bottom, there are cuffs and this belt compliments my tastefully made pants." Apache said.
"Oh, how delightful!" Cousin said, clapping her hands. "Muscle Punch, would you like to tell us all about the wonders of your pants?"
"I refuse to tell any of you a story," Muscle Punch said. "My pants may be extremely short, but that does not make for a wimpy pants wearer! It's quite the opposite of that!"
"He's ashamed of how short they are," whispered Space Shot to Cousin.
"I am NOT!" Muscle Punch insisted.
"You are too! Why do you wear that coat, then? It covers up approximately half of your magnificent pants and prevents people from seeing them at their best!" Space Shot said.
"Space Shot, what wonderfully long pants you have!" Cousin said, admiring them.
"Yes, I know. They're so spectacular that I don't even need to describe them!" Space Shot said happily, standing up so that the entire audience could be in awe of their magnificent pants-like glory.
"Hey, we aren't finished yet, buddy," Muscle Punch said, grabbing Space Shot by the collar. "EAT THIS!"
Please wait for a few minutes...
"That, my friends, is what we call BRUTAL!" Cousin said. "Such horrific violence..."
"Yeah! I liked the part when Muscle Punch gave Space Shot a heartfelt hug!" Ball Boy said.
"No, it was better when they shook hands and admitted they were wrong!" Blue Chateau said, giggling.
"Shut up, you! Just because the pants I wear have an oval buckle, are baggy and cover all the parts of my legs doesn't mean you can insult me!" Space Shot said, flopping onto his stomach and throwing a temper tantrum.
"Would you just look at that DRAMA!" Cousin said excitedly, turning towards the audience. "The highs and lows of the emotional roller coaster! These are the wild, strong surges of feeling that average, pants wearing homo sapiens experience each day!"
"Oh Cousin!" all five of the gangsters said.
"Yessss?" Cousin replied, turning to face them with grapes stuck up her nostrils.
"Gragh!" the evil pants wearing children said, stealing Cousin's pants. They then proceeded to run off the stage, waving the pair of pants that had been confiscated.
"That was stupendous, my guest stars!" Cousin said cheerily, standing on the empty stage with only her makeshift paper bag shirt and kilt on. The grapes were long gone, for she had stuffed them in her mouth, chomping away without taking heed of where they had previously been. "You can come back with my pants now!"
Cousin then scans the audience, and it suddenly dawns upon her that everyone has abandoned their seats. Even the stage and filming crew had disappeared, and she was the only one standing on the dimly lit stage.
"Um...guys?" Cousin said. An involuntary twitch in her right arm causes her to punch herself.
"You know Ball Boy's pants? Well...they are in my possession!" Cousin said jovially, putting the overly large pants on. "And he didn't even know realize it after all that time...the mere rolling on the ground was a distraction, and the fool thought there was something wrong with my head! Well, he's right!" she finished, taping her nostrils and mouth shut.
AN: I would love to write an X-laws chapter next, but I don't know all their names and what their pants look like! If I can't gather enough info, the next chapter shall be the last. And yes, I do intend to write a sequel! "Nay, SquirrelFraulein! Don't!" Bonkee is constantly telling me. We shall see.
Extremely Slow Responses to Your Inquiries and Comments:
ShadowDown: I can't remember whether I acknowledged you in the last chapter or not, so I'm acknowledging you again! YeahI guess you could call "scary" my specialty! I enjoy doing that very much, this scaring of the people. No, I didn't forget Ren's pants with the holes on the side! I just forgot to mention how there were strangely cut holey things, due to human error. :D
KimBob: It makes me feel like a right ray of sunshine being able to always make you laugh. As for this being a good story... um, right on? I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but I am most grateful to you for saying things of that nature! Go ego-boosting supplements! (laugh) GUESS WHAT? I dedicated one third of a story to you, and it's called, "Memoirs of a Casablancan Fool"! Also, I'm going to try writing dialogue for you again! It makes me feel sad when you're writing all that fun stuff for me, and me being the lazy, uninspired beast that I am haven't been writing them back!
Ren: Oh KimBob, how I love your pants and feminine grace!
Horo: Yeah. You look, smell and taste just like an old man!
SquirrelFraulein: I concur, Horo! It is fascinating to think that I am in her presence!
Lyserg: Woe unto those who do not drink their daily calcium pills like good children should!
Raikku of the Darkness: Sorry for signing off without saying bye—my stupid brother kicked me off! I shall attempt writing an X-laws chapter! Lyserg isn't that pitiful, though—he's just too masculine for the likes of all us feminine people. Those nice men in their white jackets are taking me to the place across the street from your insane asylum. Come visit me sometime—it's called, "Home of the Mentally Challenged". I get to play with spongy shaped things, run into soft, cushioned walls and receive therapy!
Raikua: Why didn't I think of using the word "epitome"? Hmm... maybe because I'm a loser? Yeah, that sounds right. Well, I finally updated so now you CAN read more! Woot woot!
loser with a llama: Okay, let's be friends. I like friends. Are llamas real? Or are they a figment of our imagination? All this thinking is starting to hurt my brain...
lenora: Yay for pants! EVERYONE loves pants, for pants are what makes the world go 'round!