To all my fabulous reviewers for a lovely, enchantingly stupid 16 chapters! My wish is that everyone – no matter how normal they are – shall wear pants and become one with them.
Barmy: The Conclusion
A hand from out of nowhere grabbed his neck, constricting his airways. Attempting to punch whoever was doing this to him, he turned his head approximately 20 degrees, only to see his own hand clutching his neck, depriving him of the oxygen that was vital to his survival.
That is the kind of sad, pathetic world those who do not wish to wear pants live in. And that was how it was with Chocolove and his pants - less life.
Meanwhile, a person who did not appreciate the true splendor of pants by the name of Jun was trying to pay a parking meter with biscuits. She wasn't doing this for sheer fun, but rather, to park her cardboard box.
Only this unusual approach wasn't quite working, and she started to kick the inanimate meter. She must have forgotten, momentarily, that she wasn't wearing pants but a pathetic dress, and dresses don't allow the wearer to kick parking meters freely without a cost.
As she lifted her right leg up, the dress too went up alongside it. The two stopped in midair, never reaching the parking meter Jun had so wanted to kick with all her "awesome leg strength". (Yes, it would be "awesome" if she had any leg strength. For you see, a pair of legs is nothing without a pair of pants. Pants cause average, everyday beings such as lamps to transform into diabolic and merciless beings with laser beams.)
Unbalanced on only one leg, she toppled over and fell onto a nice, fluffy, creamy pie Hao had placed underneath her several seconds before impact, which had probable traces of cholesterol.
Hao ran and slid into a mailbox headfirst in a most conspicuous manner; laughing himself stupid and reading letters addressed to people he didn't know nor wish to in the comfort of his own special box containing mail.
Standing once more, Jun (who was covered in cholesterol and bits of pie crust) stompled on the remnants of the pie, laughing with vindictive pleasure.
the aftermath...
The pie, having suffered an early death, was demolished and no longer the friendly noun everyone had known as "tasty and had probable traces of cholesterol".
Jun shook the mailbox with Hao so vigorously that when she chanced a peek inside, she was greeted by a sea of the contents of what was formerly in Hao's stomach.
"Let it be a lesson to you," Hao said brightly, "That you should never, ever, wear dresses in a story with pants reigning supreme."
Keiko Oyamada knew nothing of her fate. She knew not that she would be placed in a story where people who wore dresses, skirts, sarongs and the like had the mickey taken out of them. Perhaps it is because of this, she unwittingly chose to dress her daughter, Mannoko, in a hideous skirt thing, which shall prove foolish, even more so than an old man wearing artifical pudding pants. (If you should ever feel the need to do such a thing, I would like to save you some time by telling you that this idea, ingenious though it is, does not work.)
"Grrrr," Mansumi Oyamada said, "I have not had a chapter centered on me, even though I, unlike those pathetic dress, skirt, sarongs and the like wearers, can take in the greatness of the pants. Psshhhtt...I even WEAR pants! But do I even get a chapter titled, "Mansumi Oyamada"? No. What kind of story is this? I demand a refund!"
Never mind that old man. Although he does wear pants, he is of little importance as of now since SquirrelFraulein is currently bashing people who wear dresses, skirts, sarongs and the like, and is having far too much fun to restrain herself.
"Mother, mother, mother!" Mannoko cried, or bellowed, rather.
"What is it...um...fool? No...uh...western savage? That's not right...Mannoko! Yeah, that!" Keiko said, performing a happy dance when she finally remembered her daughter's name.
"How could you...How could you have dressed me like this, and to be seen in PUBLIC!" Mannoko said furiously, punching the mirror in front of her while pieces of glass flew everywhere.
"I dressed you that because it's cute...and because I wanted to differentiate you from Manta as your resemblance to each other is frightening," Keiko added in an undertone.
"I should think that since I'm 5 years old, my wardrobe would have at least one pair of pants!"
"Well, I'm 37, and not one pair of pants has ever touched my legs! Never!"
"But I don't WANT to wear this skirt! It is an infamy to mankind! And why should Manta wear pants? Why can't I?"
"Dear dear, I wasn't aware that you were part of the human race! That aside, I'm not actually sure you're even a man… Because, my dear, Manta is a boy," Keiko said, "It order to tell you and Manta apart, your father and I decided that Manta would be allowed the freedom of pants wearing, whereas you would be denied it. Tell her, Manta."
Manta walked in, donning a rather fashionable pair of pants that would make anyone snigger.
"I am a freelance pants wearer and there's nothing you can do about it! Meer meer woof woof!" Manta said, very much with the air of one rubbing it in the face of another.
"That's pathetic!" Mannoko said while thrashing about and ramming her head onto a pillow, letting out several severe screams of pain after repeating the process several times in a row. "Manta and I don't look alike!"
"But you do!" Keiko said, holding up two photographs, one of a carrot and the other of a radish.
Drabble That Shall Make People of Greater Intelligence Laugh…
"This...this THING!" Silva exclaimed. "It's a...erm...what is it?"
The thing screeched loudly and made obscene gestures.
"Well, it tastes quite like a monkey," Silva said, tasting the object. "It even feels like one...I can see that it is of the monkey race...It is making monkey sounds...and it certainly smells like one!"
HOWEVER, Silva was sadly mistaken. The thing wasn't exactly a monkey, and it wasn't necessarily a thing.
It was...an economy-sized bag of toilet paper rolls! Ah ha ha...sucker, thy name is Silva.
AN: Plans for the sequel have died. I'm truly sorry, and to compensate for giving you all false hope, I shall ask someone to push me off a cliff while I'm baking VIKING FOOD!
The review responses are a tad longer than usual, as this IS the finale, and I wanted to thank lots o' pipples for their support and yes, I suppose, even for the fear they bear towards me...Run, little children, run! (What little children? Where? There, in that mass of nothingness? I say we eat them!) It's strange...my first story...finished. I suppose I ought to celebrate... by writing you all lengthy responses that shall make you wonder what exactly went wrong during my birth.
Bouts of Gratitude for Your Existence & Cheers to You All:
darkshadowgirl: I have never been threatened with death before! Now, my life feels complete! Thanks buddy!
raikua: Ultimately, I didn't write an X laws chapter. No one else knew all their names, and as I didn't know them myself, I couldn't! Yay! I heart pants very muchly, and Marco's pants that have been lowered in masculine values and are disgustingly starchy is no exception.
rikku - 099: My compy is mean and it won't let me put the hyphen/dash thing in your penname the way I want to, so that's why it might look demented. Dumb compy...
I've never been called a warlock before! That makes me feel special. How can you "Live today like there is no tomorrow" if it's the day after tomorrow? I'm confusing myself! What fun! It is indeed an honor to have the likes of rikku – 099 (once again, I do believe my compy has thwarted me) review this story, as I have not had the joy of meeting her before. Ah, how I love thee, fate! For being so cool, you can have a porcelain toilet!
Raikku of the Darkness: I thank you for reviewing the last few chapters! It was so very nicey nice nice of you (kee hee)! For more important matters... They took the retarded guy's body away because I gave him a defected sponge, and he kind of...died. The nice men in their clean, white coats visited me today and I told them I was no longer a danger to society, and they exchanged looks of disbelief. Then, they set me free, I tell you! That's right, free! And now, I shall wreak havoc upon the world and it inhabitants that do not abide by my supreme command as I sit in my new cell with the word "freedom" painted everywhere.
KimBob: Domo arigatou for all the silly dialogue you've written for me. They were loads of fun to read, and were a source of inspiration during the course of this story. You're the coolest life form I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I would like to thank your pants, the academy, recyclable goods, clouds, squares, sugar cubes, and the old men of our planet.
ShadowDown: It was rather kind of you to review the majority of the older chapters when you didn't have to! I wish you the best in life, in food, and in shopping for your next pair of pants, my friend who dwells in the shadows.
pookiepie: "Good". That makes me chuckle quite a bit, more than just a spot of tea, even. I...want...to...pound...your...cake...up! UUURAAAAAAAAH! Well, no, not really. You don't even have a cake, do you?
sakuuya: Thank you for discovering my story, and I want to dedicate a paddle animal to you! (They don't exist outside my realm of imagination, so I don't know how that would work.) You probably wouldn't recognize the story now because I've changed the summary so frequently; it's not even funny. And I like funny!
kittykid: I want to say thank you at least a million times, but I would get parched and might fall asleep in between my bouts of gratitude! All I can say at the moment is that I want to thank you for putting up with my unhealthy fascination with toilets, and most of all, for your support.
MerndaSaysDownWithWormtail: You were always reviewing in the days when this story was taking off (I completely lost my head and even my bum when you reviewed, as it was my very first review and that's something I don't think I can ever rid my mind of) it was as though you were feeding me hope pills...on a string. No, really! Thanks budum, and I shan't ever forget it even if wild beasts of the Mediterranean pound my brains mercilessly in an attempt to make me forget.