Disclaimer: to hell with the law! I own Harry Potter! (police start chasing me) OK I DON'T!
THANK YA SO MUCHO FOR THE REVIEWS!!!!!
Shadow Psi: uh-heh (looks nervous) was I late on the update? (sweatdrop)
Yana5: THANK YOU! BIG OL' BEAR HUG TO YEH!
Skeet: lol THANK YOU! (anime style smile) I was also thinking along the lines of a different way they'd react to the cookies but then it sounded too....of lol oh well
Morwen and the little one: hee soz Morwen (sweatdrop) I'll try not to be evil next time...although you might murder me after this chappy (lots of sweatdrops)
thedarkside45: ah yes, so true (giggle) 'cept now everyone gets a nice shocker in this chappy!
Ryan's-heart's-desire: lol I'll try not to kill 'em off, why would I do that now? Then it wouldn't be funny anymore...but some other people need to die...(cough)Umbridge!(cough) lol
CrazyLake42: YAY! BIG BEAR HUG! HAPPY BELATED B-DAY!!!!
LaraBlack: heehee of course I'll make Snape show up teehee, though, he may seem a bit ooc lol thank you! BEAR HUG TO YEH!
heart and soul: THANK YOU! HUGS TO YOU TOO! lol Yeah, you got me confused too lmao
Falcon Zanbandia of Nightmares: okays, but it'll have to be in the next chappy though hee thank you!!!!!!
Inylan: lol thanks, I never really like Cho either, I hated what she did in the fifth book (strangles Cho) DIE! lol
RootbeerFloat: thank you! BIG BEAR HUG! Gotta luv hugs (anime style wink) lol
Shui-Wing0: yup, she finally finds something else worth her time! PRAISE THE LORD MAN!
dull halo polish: lmao!! Yes! She must get her gumballs!! lol
Isis-mystic: (nods in agreement) yuppers! I'd have sat there and eat popcorn, watching the whole thing (drools)
oOWeasleyWizardWheezesOo: lol thanks a bunchies! BEAR HUG TIME!! lol
Nichole08: he's probably not being thick and just waiting for the right moment to actually do something, lol, I mean how can he ignore the fact the Pansy had kissed him in the first fic lol or he's just ignoring the whole thing (eyes Ron suspisciously while he tries to look innocent)
Chang Wumei: a deal? Let moi thinkies...lol a threesome with Ron lmao! oh! THANKIES FOR TELLING ME THAT LIL MISTAKE! I knew I spelt that wrong somehow lol
silverflames03: THANK YOU! BIG BEAR HUG!!!! lol I like making people see the light in characters they don't usually like hee, at least the characters that I like lol
sexAy-iranian23: yup! I'll take that advice to the grave lol thank you!
okays, if this was late...MOI IS SORRY!!! My parents have been dragging me out of the house (grumbles) that's the only reason I hate vacation...oh! And On the sixteenth of this month I'll be at Venezuela for two weeks (cries) the sheer horror of going on a plane! So for those two weeks, there won't be any updates (still crying) (sniff) me will be fine just read the update like the good peoples y'all are (sniff) ok I'm good now lol
Chapter Five: Attempted Murder!
"What the blinking fuck was she doing in the train!?" Harry yelled inside one of the carriages that were pulled by the thestrals, "she's not supposed to be here! This was suppose to be my last happy year at Hogwarts!"
"It will be," Draco assured, patting the raven heads lap, "as long as I'm here anyway."
"Aww that's so cute!" Pansy commented with hearts in her eyes. She faltered slightly when the couple suddenly started making out unembarrassedly, groping each other and practically stripping the other while groaning and moaning in pleasure.
"Now that's hot," Ginny commented, her eyes glued on the couple.
"Don't they ever get tired of having sex all the time?" Neville asked, even though he too was staring.
"No!" everyone shouted, especially Harry and Draco.
"Uh-heh! Got it!" he nervously shrank slightly.
"Don't pay any attention to them, they're just horny," Ginny assured.
"You said 'no' too," but the redhead ignored the comment.
In no time the carriage stopped before the front gates of the school, everyone stepped out including a reluctant blond and Gryffindor (who by the way, ended up wearing the others uniform in their fast attempt to get dressed).
"Draco, Harry, switch clothes before you get an audience," Pansy murmured, seeing the mistake in their getting dressed.
"With pleasure," Draco bowed before turning to Harry, "quidditch shower rooms?"
"Lead the way!" and the two ran off holding hands.
"Hopeless...me want gumballs," Hermione said tearily as they all walked inside.
-
(Sorting Hat ceremony ended, blah blah blah, now we're at Dumbledores speech! Bwaha!)
"Dudes and dudettes!" Dumbledore said, standing up from his chair and getting everyone in the Great Halls attention, "whassup! Welcome back to another year at Hogwarts man!" Everyone eyed each other before applauding rather nervously.
"He's still a hippie?" Ginny muttered. Ron and the others sighed sadly.
"Harry and Draco had better hurry up," Colin muttered, "even if they are shagging they should be done by now."
Ginny blinked. "But...they just left us ten minutes ago."
"That's enough time for a quick shag...sort of...hmm," he tapped his chin in thought.
"As y'all know or will now know," Dumbledore continued, "the forbidden forest is...well...ya know, forbidden! If you go in and manage to come out alive you probably have an arm or something detached."
"Headmaster!" McGonagall muttered angrily in disaprovement in his speech, but the hippie continued.
"I mean there's angry centaurs there, along with a baby giant, some unicorns, bugs, big ones," he said tapping each of his fingers in count, "nasty plants with teeth and stuff-"
"Dumbledore!" McGonagall's lips became a thin line in her anger.
"Right, right, well now that you know that lil part," he smiled happily even though the first years were shaking in fright, "there's also curfew, which I know some of you will break for a bit of exploration or going over to your boyfriend or girlfriend for some make-out or shagging session-OW!"
"Hm!" McGonagall smiled slightly in triumph, she had stomped her foot on Dumbledore's really hard.
"Pain," the headmaster whimpered a bit before restoring his composure, "yeah well, there's also this thing about some killer coming here to kill certain students, so because of that we'll be having a defense army to protect us, any-deaths-which-is-likely-will-receive-a-ceremony-at-the-end-of-the-year, with that out of the way, EAT UP!" he gave them the peace sign.
The students looked slightly confused at what Dumbledore said in a rush but they ate anyway.
"Hey!" someone shouted at the staff table.
"Oh right. YO DUDES AND DUDETTES!" Dumbledore yelled making everyone jump and turn to him, "we got a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Cho Chang!" he waved exaggeratingly to the young lady who stood up and smiled rather doll-like at everyone, they were all creeped out. Dumbledore sat back down.
"God what a bitch," Sprout muttered.
"Bwaha! Got that right!" the headmaster laughed. Cho sat back down and farted causing Snape to stand up and run away from the table with his hand covering his nose and mouth.
"No gumballs?" Hermione looked at the table full of food, her bottom lip quivered.
"I'll trade you three for anything that'll take Cho's nasty fart smell away," Snape said from behind her, tapping her shoulder with a small bag of gumballs.
Hermione gasped and spun around on her seat, she jumped on the table with an insane look in her eye, scaring everyone near her especially Snape who had his eyebrow twitching nervously.
"MY LOVE!!!" she shouted jumping on him and sending him down on the floor. Everyone watching sweatdropped. "I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! MY VIRGINITY, MY BOOKS, ONE OF MY PORN MOVIES, MY PARENTS MONEY-"
"I can't...breathe!" the potions master managed to get out, waving his arms as his face started turning blue. Hermione had put her whole full weight on his chest, the poor man.
-
"Mmm!" Harry was pressed against the wall of the shower room, still kissing Draco who was fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. "Should we take a shower?" he breathed out once the blond started trailing his kisses on his neck.
"Mhhmmm," was all the Slytherin could reply, he finally got Harry shirt off and was now working with his pants. The raven head closed his eyes and arched his back slightly when Draco started swirling his tongue on his hard nipples.
"Gods..." he lifted Draco's tucked in shirt and started to unbutton it.
The shower farthest away from them suddenly turned on, steam quickly started emitting from it when the water hit the ground getting Harry's attention quickly.
"You-ohh! Could have picked a shower closer to us," Harry said breathlessly.
"Mm?" Draco pulled down Harry's pants, "what are you talking about, luv?" he traced his tongue on the Gryffindor's muscles making Harry start to pant.
"You...turned the shower on right?" he tried to rub himself against his boyfriend.
"No I didn't," he pulled down Harry's boxers and gripped his erection while he kissed the boy again.
Harry pulled back suddenly, "but I didn't turn the shower on."
The shower next to the last turned on too, it too emitted steam, the shower room was becoming hot.
"What the hell?" Draco turned to face the showers, the next shower turned on too.
"ACK! IT'S HAUNTED!" Harry yelled running to the door, "IT'S LOCKED! WE'RE DOOMED!"
The fourth shower blasted on, Harry and Draco clung to each other as the steaming water of the showers kept getting closer. "Got any plans?" the blond asked nervously.
"No...we're so dead."
"Well then," Draco swallowed, "I just wanna say, I've always loved you, ever since I met you at Madam Malkins."
"Really?" he looked at him in the eye.
"Well who could not love you're perfectly adorable green eyes and messy black hair, it's fucking irresistible!"
"Oh Draco! I love you so much!" he hugged him, the closest shower sprung on and they jumped to the wall to keep away from the scalding hot water. "IT'S THE END!"
They turned to the shower before them and screamed aloud. Not because the shower turned on, but because there was a cloaked figure standing tall and raising an ax, ready to kill them.
"AHHH!" Harry quickly slapped the man from one way to the other so many times they the figure stumbled back, slipped and fell on the wet tiled floor.
"Jesus Christ! Mother fucking hell!" he said caressing his cheeks and sore bum.
"YAAA!" Draco kicked the door opened. He watched in shock as the door fell flat on the floor. Harry pulled up his boxers and pants, grabbed his shirt, stuck his tongue out at the slightly beaten killer and tore out of the shower room with Draco.
-
"Ah, so you say this type of shampoo will help me with my greasy hair?" Snape asked holding a shampoo bottle that said, 'Grease today, gone tomorrow' Hermione nodded enthusiastically as she chewed on a gumball happily.
"Yup, it worked wonders on my cousins' hair."
"Why is Snape sitting with us?" Ginny muttered to Neville.
"Because Cho farted, that girl's evil," he shook his head.
"Mmm! Yummy!" Ron said happily as he bit into a chicken leg while refilling his cup of pumpkin juice. Ginny sighed and shook her head.
"He is SO not my brother!"
"Am too, check the birth certificate and blood test, bitch," he said astonishingly clearly through his stuffed mouth. He received a punch in the head.
"But what about my old shampoo? Shine Away?" Snape continued curiously (so ooc but cute!).
Hermione blew a bubble and shook her head, "that's what gave you the greasy hair look, I can give you a new hair style if you want, my cousin taught me a bunch of things on hair."
"Who is this cousin of yours?"
"Aden Granger, he owns a hair salon," she blew another bubble. Snape raised an eyebrow dully.
"Then how come you kept your hair bushy!?"
"'Cause I'm lazy," she shrugged, "I guess I should change it," she twirled her finger in a knot of her hair, "it's really getting hard to wake up and not see the sun with all my hair in the way..."
The doors slammed open grabbing everyone's attention. They saw a pretty sight indeed.
Harry had his shirt clutched in his hand which left his whole torso bare while he was breathing heavily in attempt to return to a normal breathing level, plus he was drenched in water and his pants were dangerously hanging on his hips, looking like they'd slip down, lets just say Filch took the whole night mobbing the floor of drool.
Draco was also drenched in water, breathing heavily with his clothes clinging on him revealing his wonderfully toned muscles and shape.
With two hot boys like that it's no wonder why even the straightest guys were getting boners.
"Killer...in...shower room...quidditch! Ax...oxygen! Bleh!" was all Harry could say.
"Killer?" Dumbledore stood up, finally alert, "where?"
"Quidditch shower rooms!" Draco said at once, "tried to...kill us (insert gasps and cries of fear from everyone)...showers turned on hot water...he had an ax...I'm pooped," he and Harry collapsed in the nearest free spot.
Of course, there was room for only one at the Hufflepuff table. Draco ended up sitting on the free space while Harry sat on his lap, resting his back on the blonds' chest while his head was slightly thrown back and Draco had his arms wrapped around his waist with his head on Harry's shoulder.
Everyone watched in silence while also getting hornier at the beautiful sight before them.
"SHAG!" Pansy shouted suddenly, everyone jumped out of their drooling reverie and shouted in agreement.
"That's enough!" McGonagall said, standing up. Cho, Dumbledore, and Sprout left with their wands out and ready. "Everyone go to your dorms, the Defense Army stays."
"Defense army?" Ron questioned, raising an eyebrow and looking around curiously.
"That's us you dimwit," Ginny sighed and stood up, Hermione was still in her deep conversation about hair styles with Snape.
"Really? Wow that's cool!" Neville said, grinning cheekily and getting Ginny to blush brilliantly, "well, later then, bye," he walked off with the rest of the retreating students.
Once everyone left Ginny and the others walked over to the Gryffindor head of house.
"Now listen," she said in a hushed voice. There were sounds of groans and moans, she looked up and blushed lightly, "POTTER! MALFOY! PAY ATTENTION!"
"We aaaaare," Harry moaned, throwing his head back as Draco slid his hand into his pants as he sucked the boys' neck. McGonagall blushed harder and turned away.
"Teenagers," she muttered tersely before facing the curious teenagers, "now that you've been given the job as the defense army of this school you will all have living quarters in one of the towers."
"ALRIGHT!" Ron raised a fist happily, nearly hitting Blaise.
"Right," she closed her eyes in irritation, "it looks like the killer came sooner than we thought so in order for you to actually protect this school you must go under special training, you won't fight tonight, I daresay the killer's already gone by now-"
"Faster!" Harry's breathy cry interrupted. McGonagall's lips went thin again.
"You'll receive schedules in the morning as well as no classes for tomorrow-"
"YES!" Colin repeated the fist that Ron did.
"Will you listen!" she said through gritted teeth, everyone shut up, "good, if you follow me, I'll take you to the tower," she turned to the shagging couple and wondered idly why she didn't hear them hit the floor, "POTTER! MALFOY! QUIT FUCKING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF EACH OTHER AND FOLLOW ME TO THE TOWER!"
The two grumpily got up and dressed a bit sloppily, grumbling something about dumping McGonagall to an active volcano.
"Oh no, braids? That would look horrible on me! On you it would be better," Snape nodded.
"Hmm, maybe," Hermione twirled a lock of her hair in thought, "what about a hair cut? I know one that would fit you perfectly!"
"SNAPE! GRANGER! QUIT TALKING LIKE GIRLFRIENDS AND COME HERE!"
"God she is such a bitch some times, I'm telling you," Snape sighed, standing up along with Hermione.
"She's fair, but yeah she is a bitch," Hermione nodded.
"This one time she started screaming and yelling when she found Dumbledore sleeping with her, it was hilarious! She thought he was going to rape her!"
"I TOLD YOU TO FOLLOW ME!" she looked like a monster now.
"OH DO SHUT UP!" was her answer.
OMG! Did I try to kill off our main couple! Ack! Oh well there's more funny killing attempts ahead along with more blossoming love (stupidly runs around throwing flowers in the air) REVIEW PLEASE!