Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (blows nose) I don't have enough talent to own it anyway...(blink) was that angsty? HELL NO THIS IS A HUMOR FIC! NO ANGST HERE!...wasn't this supposed to just be the disclaimer...
THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS!
Shui-Wing0: lol I agree with you, the computers at Venezuela were a bitch too, the keyboards were like alien made or something (sigh) I couldn't log in, it was horrible (cries) Thanks for the review! Glad you like the bad guy!
RootbeerFloat: wow LONG review THANK YOU!!! (big ass bear hug!) lol glad you like the last chappy, but now that I'm back to writing I'm not sure about this one (sweatdrop) the mysterious killer? Hmmm I'm keeping him mysterious until I know who he can be (sweatdrop) lol I do things so randomly that I confuse myself! lol
Lyla Hayden: ack! I totally forgot about putting in the part at what it said inside! (bangs head) I'll have to still that in somewhere in the next chappy, soz!
driven to insanity: soz this took like two weeks (I was at Venezuela, my parents are so evil sometimes) but finally! Here's the update!
LaraBlack: lol thank you! I'll try and make them do magic more, they'll probably have to do more in the next chappy lol glad you like Pansy!
Yana5: lol thanks!
Ryan's-heart's-desire: (raises eyebrows) I need to take a peek in that closet...lol thanks!
CrazyLake42: lol I updated just now and I came back yesterday, I would have updated yesterday but I fell asleep once I hit the sack, three plane rides made my ass hurt (sweatdrop) lol
Falcon Zanbandia of Nightmares: the pairings are gonna get freaky, trust me, as for the letters...OOPS! I totally forgot to add that in this chappy, I'll have to remember to add that in the next one (sweatdrop) soz o and I'll be adding your character in that one too (anime/kawaii smile)
reflectivelvet: I know, soz it's confusing, it's just a bunch of killers trying to get Harry and his buds, while they're at it they're killing the students too, ask me what else is still confusing please! thanks!
thedarkside45: lol soz I forgot to add what was in the letter here, I'll have to sneak it in the next chappy, thanks for reviewing!
sexAy-iranian23: lol thanks!
taekrsbass: lol penguins lol, soz this came out so late but better late than neva!
Bongo MonkeysXP: Ron finally notices something! (crap did I just spoil you? O.O)
silverflames03: yeah I'm sozzy, I forgot to add the letter part here...me will have to stick it in the next chappy. Yay I'm back, and safe from any plane crashes lol the trip TOO Venezuela but the trip back here I felt like a lil kid lol
Chang Wumei: (opens door and Remus enters) WELCOME TO HONEYDUKES TWO: HELL TO PAY!!!! lol your welcome on the R/Hness! lol and the SS GGness, Dumbly shall explain
SlytherinGrlForever: lol thanks, and yes Salazar and Godric are very dead, just...yeah...Dumbly will explain everything lol
Nichole08: lol i did have a great time but I was sick through the whole thing (cries) my parents thought I wasn't telling the truth! oh well...o dude I nearly drowned in the beach too! lol anyway here's the update!!!
DemonRogue13: here Draco's cutely insane, and Hermione...she's just creepy..lol
xXxIce.PrincessxXx: lol thanks!!! (big bear hug!!!) um...here's a stuuuupid question, how do I send the av's to yeh? O.O
heart and soul: I sure hope I'm keeping it up, I'm not so happy with this chappy gah! lol enjoy!
I AM BACK FROM VENEZUELAAAA!!!!!! It was fun but my whole time there I was sick (cries) oh well...at least I had some fun...especially with the horsies (laughs at memories of yelling at running horse to slow down because my ass hurt)
Chapter Seven: Dead Bodies...it's not that scary!
"Yo Mista Dumblydoor!" shouted Blaise, pounding on the door. Everyone stared at him blankly, "open da door we gotta tualk to yeh!"
"Um...Blaise, sweet stuff, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Colin asked nervously.
"Hm? This is the way to get Dumbledore to open the door, HEY MISTA D!"
The door opened and Dumbledore's sleepy self looked at them groggily. "Yo..." he yawned. Everyone looked at his pajamas, they were baby purple and seemed to belong to one really big baby because the feet were also covered and there was a teddy bear knitted on the left chest of the pajamas. "What brings you dudes to my sanctuary?" he yawned again.
Everyone held up their letters.
"Oooooohwell, come on in dudes and dudettes, I got lots to tell y'all," the teens walked inside and sat on the pillows as they watched Dumbledore walk hurriedly yet slowly to his own pillow. He sat on it and yawned again, smacked his lips numerous times before he was fully awake.
"Um...Headmaster...what's with the letters? Why are they signed by Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin?" Harry asked while the old hippie stretched.
"You're their sons and daughters," he replied calmly as he scratched his ass.
"WHAT!?" they all shouted.
Dumbledore laughed. "Nah I'm just screwin' with yeh," he earned glares but he ignored it, "see what happened was this thing we call Mondo Future Prophesizing."
"Aw no more prophecies please, I barely understood my own prophesy," moaned Harry.
"...Dude that prophesy was so clear a newly born baby could understand it," blinked Dumbledore.
"But that part! 'Neither can live while the other survives' I didn't know if I was gonna die too! God the crap was literally scared out of me!"
There was a pause before Dumbledore spoke again. "So anyway this Mondo Future Prophesizing thing deals with a lot of magic, Godric and Salazar were the strongest out of the Hogwarts four, now they were the opposite to what everyone thought them to be. They got drunk together, had sex, made lil babies together, fought together, got married, the whole nine yards and in that order too."
Everyone gawked at him. "Um...that's all nice and everything...but what does that have anything to do with us?" Ron asked, making a face.
"Well when they had sex their magical powers got mixed and became so great that they themselves could prophesize."
Harry tried to ignore the pouty look Draco was giving him. "Harry!" he whined.
"We are not gonna prophesize, natural course of time will tell us what happens," he crossed his arms.
"But I wanna know what our kids will look like!" he gave him puppy dog eyes but Harry shut his eyes.
"I'd rather like to know which one of us will get pregnant."
"Hey! If you two are finished yapping can we please get this thing going I want to know about the letters!" yelled Ginny.
The two stopped talking and faced the headmaster. "Right then, so they were planning on making a defense army and would only give the jobs to the most worthy people at the most dangerous of times," he whipped out a bunch of gumballs from his pocket and popped a few in his mouth.
Bad idea because now Hermione was watching closely like an abandoned puppy, everyone nervously moved back, Draco even jumped on Harry's lap.
"They used their prophesy powers and saw you guys, they wrote their letters to you dudes along with some awesome powers you've probably already gotten."
"Um...how do you know all this? I mean you're one OLD man but they were before your time," said Draco blatantly.
"They gave me a letter," he blew a bubble with his gum, that did it. Hermione flew over and jumped on him.
"GIVE...ME...THE GUMBALLS!" she growled madly.
"No way they're mine!" he stuffed his mouth with what seemed to be the rest of the gumballs, "hm!"
"I need my gumballs!" she said panically, "give me gumballs!"
"She's creepy," Colin laughed shakily, hiding behind Blaise.
The mysterious killer sat in the Hufflepuff table munching on a cheeseburger with relish.
"And then she just goes and rip his penis off with a kitchen knife," Zacharias shook his head.
"That poor man!" gasped a crazed Slytherin by the name of Malcolm Baddock.
"I was rooting for his wife! She's got guts to do that!"
"But wasn't he asleep?"
"Oh right..." they stopped at the door to the great hall, "excuse me! Sir!?" The killer just kept munching on his food. "Hello!?"
"Mister Spooky Cloaked Figure!" shouted Malcolm. The killer waved them off, "maybe it's a new teacher," he shrugged.
The sound of footsteps came up from behind them. They turned and faced a man with graying hair, young face, and a train wreck of robes.
"Professor Lupin!" Zacharias shouted. Malcolm looked at the man in confusion.
"Who?" he asked.
"He was our DADA teacher in third year," the Hufflepuff answered, "you wouldn't happen to know that guy over there would you Professor?" he pointed behind him.
"I'm not your teacher anymore," sighed Remus, he looked at the cloaked figure, "um...nope, don't know him, I can't see his face and the shape of the body's unfamiliar."
"Shape of the body?" Malcolm asked, raising an eyebrow, "ok then."
"Mister Creepers!" shouted Remus, "how's the cheeseburger!?" the two students goggled at him, "it'll get him to talk, trust moi, so how's the cheese-"
THWANG!
Malcolm stumbled back and looked down at his chest where a mini ax was sticking out. "Hey!" he said indignantly, "watch the heart!" with that said, he collapsed dead once his head hit the ground.
Remus gawked at the dead boy. "Oh shit!" and he took off, probably to the safest place in the castle, Snapes offi-I mean, the broom closet!
Zacharias looked down at his short timed friend, "you killed Malclom!" he shook a fist at the killer who went back to eating his cheeseburger, "YOU BASTAR-" BANG! Zacharias fell to the ground too when he was shot in the head by the killers' beebee gun (I forgot how to spell it).
Mr. Killer lay down his gun on the table and took a long sip of his nicely cold Dr. Pepper before going back to chowing down on his delicious cheeseburger.
-(HOURS later)-
"I'm going back to bed," yawned Pansy, stretching and not noticing Ron watching, "Mondo Future Prophesizing? Couldn't they think of a better name?"
"Mmhmmm..." Ron nodded dumbly.
"Ron?" Hermione stopped and tapped her foot while blowing a bubble with her gum. How she got the gum from Dumbledore will make all shudder... "what are you staring at?"
"Hm?" Pansy glanced at Ron, blushed furiously and stopped stretching.
"Pervert," teased Ginny, grinning like a cat.
They continued to walk down the corridor when suddenly a funky smell caught up in their noses.
"Ok," Colin said as if he were about to throw up, "who farted?" Everyone protested saying it wasn't them.
"It doesn't smell like fart," Blaise sniffed the air, "more like...something rotten."
"Eww! It's getting worse!" Pansy pulled her shirt over her nose and mouth which caught Ron's attention.
'Hey her belly-button's really cute!' he thought, fighting back the urge to go over and lick it. Why he was acting like this, we don't know, maybe because he got no breakfast or because he finally realized Pansy was something to look at.
The smell was getting stronger; Hermione blew a bubble and somehow managed to stick her nose in it without popping it. "Ah!" she sighed happily, "cherry flavored goodness."
"Oh my god!" Draco squealed, jumping onto Harry's arms, "it's really tacky shoes! The horror!" he pointed down to Zacharias's school shoes that lost their shine.
"Let's get out of here before people think we killed them!" Colin jumped on Blaises shoulders, not exactly knowing how he did it but not caring at the moment. "Come on let's go!"
And they took off...well Hermione stayed behind and checked their pockets before taking off with her hands full of gumballs, compliments to the dead Malcolm.
Remus kicked the door open and tore in scaring the crap out of Snape who was busy fixing his hair so that Hermione could give it a hair-cut later in the day.
"Sevvy I..." Remus stopped and examined the potions professors' attire. A silky green bathrobe with fluffs at the ends and feathery lime green slippers, "love that bathrobe, looks gorgeous on you," the werewolf commented.
"Remmie! Darling! What are you doing here?" Snape walked over and gave some sort of airy kiss to both of Remus's cheeks (like fashion designers to their favorite customers/friends).
"I came to visit," he looked afraid, "and there's been a murder."
"Oh Draco and Potter are fine," Snape assured, walking over to his closet.
"No, I mean a murder that happened just now."
"Really? Who was it?" he searched through his long line of black robes that were all practically the same except that there was a little green inscription on the inner collar of the robes that said either Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc.
"It was a fourth year I think, had black hair, pale face, Slytherin, Zacharias was with him too," Remus sat on a chair shakily, "he's probably dead too."
"Hmm...it's probably Malcolm Baddock, good riddance that boy was such a nuisance!" he stepped in the closet and closed the door, then reopened it literally a second later, fully dressed.
"The killer nearly killed me!" the werewolf shouted hysterically.
"Awww," he came over and hugged the afraid man tightly, "does lil Remmie need a dick up his bum?" he cooed.
The former professor sniffed and gave him puppy dog eyes. "Mmmaybe."
"It's a curse, they all want me," Snape said overdramatically before leading Remus to his bedroom.
Cho hurried down the crowded corridor, her stomach aching of hunger. "Move over I'm a professor, I deserve my food first!" she pushed through the crowd, not caring that she gave a few of them concussions. "Move it-" she stopped when she saw the reason for the traffic jam.
There lay the dead bodies of Zacharias and Malcolm, sprawled and with their pockets turned inside out.
"Hmm," she kneeled down and examined the corpses.
"Move over, I'm a nurse," Pomfey moved through and kneeled down with her trusty first aid kit, "Miss Chang, leave them, they need care."
"Care? They're dead, what care do they need?"
"Oh they can be saved, we can get them back," the nurse narrowed her eyes, "I've been through worse things than this-OH MY GOODNESS!"
For Cho yanked out the ax that was still on Malcolms chest. She studied it for any strange marks and found two circles with a lightening bolt in between making it look like some crooked dick; it was marked on the bottom of the handle. She gasped.
"It's HIM," she hissed.
"We're going to Honeydukes tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!" Draco sang, jumping around happily causing Harry to get a headache.
"Could you please calm down? My head hurts," he rubbed his temples.
"Can't, I'm on a sugar high!" Draco said, jumping on the bed in a very unmalfoy-ish manner.
"What sugar? You didn't have any breakfast!"
"I ate some of Dumbledores lemon drops before we left, I can see why he likes them, WEEE!!!!!" he kept jumping.
"Draco, stop before you hit your head," Harry watched as Draco kept jumping higher. "Draco," now he was jumping impossibly higher, almost hitting the ceiling. "DRACO!"
Harry jumped off his chair and rushed over to the giddy blond, grabbing tightly on his waist before he could jump any higher. They fell flat on the bed.
"Don't scare me like that!" breathed the raven head, crawling up to face the giggling Slytherin. "How many lemon drops did you eat?"
"Dunno, I handful, maybe like eighty or something, they were pretty small," he burped and laughed, I mean really laughed, it seemed to be contagious because Harry started cracking up too. He buried his head in his boyfriends' chest to calm himself and breathe in his expensive and intoxicating sent.
"Hmm, you smell good, as always," he almost whispered, sliding his hands under the blonde's shirt, Draco shuddered slightly and let out a groan when Harry's fingers brushed lightly against his hardening nipples. "Is the hyperness wearing off?"
"Yeah, now I've got a headache," Draco sighed and closed his eyes, not minding one bit that the other boy was unbuttoning his shirt, "we see two dead bodies and we're here doing this," he chuckled.
"Smith needed to die, he kept getting on my case at fifth year," the Gryffindor murmured, sucking lightly on the blondes' neck.
"The Baddock person was weird too...we'd better not get in trouble for not saving them!"
"Yeah," he sat up, "I'm hungry, wanna go get some breakfast?"
Draco just stared. "That, what you just did, was torture!" his boyfriend blinked in confusion, "you left me wanting for more!"
"Don't worry," he winked slyly, "you'll get more after breakfast."
"Ok I'm hungry lets go!" Draco grabbed Harry's arm and ran out of their bedroom so they could eat their breakfast and get back to what they were doing.
Ron sighed as he looked at the letter he received from his mama. It was filled with so much hope of him getting married to Hermione and having children. Oh and a small paragraph telling him to study harder.
'What the hell do they see in her? She's crazy,' the redhead thought as he lay back sprawled on the sofa, 'just bloody great!'
"Mmm! That was a nice nap!" Pansy walked out of her luxurious bedroom, yawning and stretching. Ron craned his neck and watched her closely. She seemed to have finally sprouted some sort of growth spurt because she had a nice curvy figure, and her hair cut fit nicely with it.
"Ron what are you staring at?" Colin's voice made Ron jump out of his skin and fall off the couch.
He stood up quickly, completely red in the face, "nobody saw that," he straightened his shirt. Pansy watched, blushing lightly yet also confused, "I'm gonna go get some breakfast," he walked off leaving a staring Pansy and laughing Colin.
Ahhhh! I'm not really happy with this chappy! (bangs head) But I haven't written for nearly two weeks so I'm a little rusty (hangs head) oh well...REVIEW PLEASE!