Prologue-

"Enter" Snapped Snape snippily. He was greatly annoyed at being bothered right in the middle of Mr. Darcy's introduction. He has an inkling however at who was knocking at his chamber doors.
Severus glanced up and was astounded at what he saw. Albus Dumbledore stood mirrored in the doorway wearing a pair of either high-watered khaki pants or very long shorts with deep pockets, a tropical pink and orange silk shirt (halfway unbuttoned reveling a rather yellow undershirt and sticking out from that was some unsightly white chest hair. On his head sat a wide brimmed gardening hat and perched on that was a pair of orange tinted wrap around sunglasses. On his feet were a pair of black flip-flops. Yes indeed, he was a sight for sore eyes.

"What can I do for you Albus?" he asked after he regained his composure. Snape dog-eared page 78 in Pride and Prejudice, placed it in the usually locked compartment in his desk, and promptly folded his hands on his wide desk.

"I have come to invite you to the Hogwarts Staff's End-of-the-Summer-Holiday Annual Picnic. Sherbet lemon, my dear boy?" From his pocket he drew out a colorful bag of sweets and held it out to Snape.

"No, no thank you Albus." He stammered. "What is this End-of-the-Summer-Holiday Annual Picnic rubbish? There has never been such a picnic, much less an annual picnic and might I remind you that I've been here fifteen long years."

"Yes, there has been. We just never invited you until now. Circus Peanut?" From his other pocket he drew out a full bag of this popular American treat and held it out like the lemons.

Severus didn't know if he should be enraged or thankful that he was never invited to such a frivolous event in the past. He itched his knee and looked crossly at old man.

"No, no peanuts for me thanks. I must ask: why now, old man? Why invite me now?" His knee was really itching now. It had done this since he was child, Snape recalled briefly. Whenever he was angry, hurt, afraid or annoyed his knee would start to itch unbearably.

"Well, dear boy I invited a few guests to join us this time and there's a rather lovely young lady I would like you to make an acquaintance with. Her name is Danielle Jocelyn Davis-Le Gras. She is really lovely, SeverusI'm sure you two would make a wonderful match. Diet Pepsi?" he pulled out a liter bottle of the dark fizzy drink and a plastic tumbler.

"No, I have water here, thank you. Are you playing matchmaker again Albus? You do recall last time, when you thought it would be great to lock Miss Weasley and myself in the store pantry of Dungeon B? That poor girl is still going through therapy sessions. When are you going to learn?" Snape said with a stony face.

"When you procure me some grandchildren dear boy. Frosted Poptart?" He pulled out a freshly toasted and still gooey warm breakfast treat from his pocket and offered it to Snape.

"No, not a fan of pop tarts, really. Grandchildren? You're not even related to me! Even if you were you'd be my 5th something great-grandfather. You were over 100 when I was born!" Snape shrieked softly.

"That's what you think dear boy. The picnic begins at 6 o'clock this evening. Remember to bring something to pass around." Dumbledore said with twinkling eyes. "As for myself, I think I am going to have a spot of lunch and then do the finishing touches on the piñata."

Severus grumbled at the retreated backside of his elder mentor. Sometimes he thought Albus a genius among all men, but at times (like these) he was convinced that he was actually a raving lunatic who occasionally got lucky. What was he going to bring to the picnic? He knew, now that he was invited he was expected to come whether he liked it or not. Otherwise, Dumbledore would spring this Danielle on him another time and wouldn't quit until Snape was properly introduced to the young vixen. Snape only hoped that she was over the age of 13 unlike poor Miss Virginia Weasley.

Snape wandered up from the dungeon around 5:55 in the evening with a bottle of fire whiskey in one hand and a half a package of Muggle Oreos in the other. Besides his secret love for Muggle 18th-century romance novels, he had a liking for these delicious biscuits.

The sun was blazing with pre-autumn glory, casting a golden hue on everything it touched. Severus briefly wondered if this is how the world looked in King Midas' day. He stepped out onto the large expanse of grass when it occurred to him that he had no idea where on the grounds the picnic was going to be held.
With a hand he shaded his eyes a peered towards the lake- no one. Towards the small bunch of trees near the lake-nothing. He looked warily at the Forbidden Forest and was thankful that it seemed quite still at the moment aside from a small group of Holstein cows who were standing in a circle and eating grass presumably. Snape didn't pay much attention. He heard a jolly giant's laugh from beyond the groundskeeper's hut. He strained his eyes and much to his horror he found the group of teachers all nestled comfortably just out of reach of the whomping willow's branches, which were trying (in vain) to swat them like flies. He shoved three Oreos in his mouth and started across the grounds.

Five minutes later he was plainly within sight of the other teachers who were laughing and guffawing and waving merrily to the Potions master. Snape growled at himself now for coming to this wretched picnic.

"Severus, how wonderful for you to join us this year!" Professor Sprout said while she slopped over her goblet of butterbeer. She grabbed the now half empty bottle of fire whiskey and examined the label.

Snape threw aside the empty package of Oreos and took a seat furthest from the tree. Albus was merrily transfiguring fallen leaves into small picnic tables with attached seats. Flitwick was charming a bottle of yellow jelly beans to fly and glow, and McGonagall was setting the table with dishes transfigured from blades of grass. Helping was a young women who Snape presumed to be young Danielle Jocelyn Davis-Le Gras. She had short, boyish cut hair that was the same color as thousand island salad dressing. Her wide eyes were a blue-hazel that complemented her plain, robin-egg-blue shirt and loose white cotton pants.
She had very white teeth when she smiled and horridly cute dimples. Snape sneered and redirected his attention to the small gaggle of women seated near him.

"1745 Severus! Where did you find this vintage whiskey?" giggled Madam Hooch.

"The wine cellar actually. In addition, that's not the age date, Hestia. That's the founding date of the company. That bottle there is a 1995 I believe." Snape said.

"Aw, bugger" hiccupped Professor Sprout.

Ten minutes later and after a very exciting moment when one of Professor Flitwick's flying jelly beans accidentally lodged itself in one of Snape's nostrils causing a brief panic, the official picnic started.

Severus sat next to Albus at the end of one of the small tables. Danielle (much to his disliking) sat across from him, throwing him cheering grins on occasion. He focused himself on picking the tomatoes out of Poppy's taco salad. Speaking of salads, Snape was astounded at all the cold salads the women of Hogwarts brought to the picnic. He was especially surprised when he spotted Minerva's biscuit salad at the other end of the table. He jabbed Albus straight away to pass the bowl down and proceeded to fill half his plate with it and the other half taco salad. He passed the bowls across to Danielle who thanked him as if he had passed the cure to cancer to a leukemia patient.

"Oh, thank you so much!" her teeth were very white and straight Severus noticed. "I don't believe we were properly introduced. I'm Danielle Jocelyn Davis-Le Gras." She stuck her hand out across the table. Snape took it, noticing how very small it was compared to his.

"Professor Snape" he grunted lowly before he took his hand back and redirected his attention to his biscuit salad. He noted that she used off brand biscuit.

"What do you teach Professor Snape?" she pressed.

"Potions" he responded quickly and looked back at his biscuit salad. He wasn't in the mood to talk to this woman, but she didn't look like she was going to give up anytime soon.

"Ah, fascinating! I actually took N.E.W.T.S. potions myself. I really love the theory classes." She never lost eye contact with him as she said this. He tried to break it off a few times but her eyes always found his. He grumbled sometimes at the moments when she took a breath.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?" she squeed placing one of her small hands on his.

He shook with horror, gasped in shock, choked on his biscuit salad and pleaded silently to Albus sitting next to him. He was eating herring on crackers at the moment and only gave away that he had heard Danielle by his sly smile.

"Excuse me, Miss Davis-Le Gras!" Snape snapped snippily trying to pull his hand away but she was firmly holding on.

"They're really lovely actually, is that your natural color?" she used her other hand to brush aside Snape's hair. "Oh and you have soft, silky hair. What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"I think we all want to know that answer, Severus," interjected Minerva McGonagall over her bottle of ginger ale that Albus had pulled from his back pocket earlier.

"M&M Severus?" Albus pulled a pound bag from his left pocket and offered him the bag.

"No, no M&Ms for me thanks. Ms. Davis, and professor, I do not intend to answer any of those questions! Now, go back and chat among yourselves and let me eat my food in peace." Snape was nearing boil point. He dug into his salad and hoped his demand was heeded.

"He's a bit shy isn't he? I find that darling, really," Danielle said across the table to Minerva.

"Yep, shy and ugly, that's our Sevvie," she giggled, taking another swig of her ginger ale.

Severus chose to ignore this and not look too hurt by it. He turned promptly and engaged Albus in conversation.

"After this meal what else do we do Albus? Are we free to leave?" He asked crossing his fingers for luck.

"Leave? No no, dear boy! We have picnic activities! We have a piñata, a water gun fight, bobbing for shrunken heads and the Annual relay races around the lake. Men vs. the Women this year! Candied ham?" He pulled out a 7 pound ham from his far back pocket (complete with a glass tray) and offered it to Severus.

"Eh…. no." responded Severus. He was becoming worried over what else might be in those pockets.

Thirty minutes later, all the teachers (and Danielle) sat in a semi-circle around Dumbledore who was holding a clip board and was standing in front of a piñata shaped like a Jersey cow.

Snape scooted to the right a bit while Dumbledore read off the rules. Danielle had grabbed the spot next to him in the back and was leaning all too close.

"Are there any questions?" asked Dumbledore. Five or six of the teachers raised their hands.

"Yes Madam Pomfrey?" Dumbledore pointed at her.

"How many swings do we get?" she squeaked. (A/N: squeak? Can you tell that I need a nap?)

"As I said already, each person gets 4 swings. Next question, you, Danielle."

"Can we have partners when we swing?" she giggled and looked at Snape. He was currently sitting 5 feet behind the groups. She kept leaning very close to him and he was feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"No, sorry dear you can't. Next question!" Dumbledore chuckled merrily as he took a bite out of a raw string bean. "No one else? Alright then! Hestia would you like to start? Grab a blindfold from that table and come over here. I'll put it on." Hestia stood up, grabbed a blindfold and strided over to Dumbledore.

"Alright, you're set, now spin" said Albus. Madam Hooch leaned double, set her forehead on the end of the bat and spun around 5 times and them promptly fell over. "The ground... it moves!

Next up was Albus himself. He too missed the piñata but did manage to hook into a crock-pot of Green Bean Hot dish and smash it to bits.

"Oh, jelly bean, Albus! That was my best crock pot!" shrieked Madam Pince. Albus looked sheepish, pulled out his wand from his left pocket and restored it. The hot dish however was ruined.

"Sorry dear, but speaking of jelly beans would you like one?" He pulled out a bag of yellow and pink jelly beans. Severus just shook his head.

'What in jumping Jesus am I doing here!' Severus thought to himself. (a/n: has anyone ever thought to anyone else but themselves? I think not)

"Severus would you like a go at it?" Albus held out the stick to him.

"No" Snape grunted. Danielle was hanging on his arm almost nonchalantly, but when he tried to pull away, he found she had a surprisingly firm grip on him.

"Aw come on Sevvie! Use those big muscles of yours!" pinching his upper arm with her free hand.

"No, now let go of me." He pulled away from herso hard that he ended on his feet and she was standing with him.

"Excellent idea Severus! Let's have our rally! Severus for the men and Danni for the women!" Flitwick squeaked.

Severus didn't know how it happened but 5 minutes later he was at the starting line of the race and Albus had just shot the starting pistol. He shook his head and start to run. Severus and Danielle raced around the third bend of the lake. They had left poor Professor Flitwick in the dust about a league back. Suddenly, and without warning, both of them stopped short and gazed at what they saw.

A group of cows stood blocking their way. They were all dressed in blood red smocks and one was holding an ax. That one was looking at Severus' leather shoes with a manic glee in his eye.

fades to black