A/N: Thanks so much for the thoughtful reviews on the last chapter…Everyone really gave me lots of things to consider, which is good…:) I really hope you enjoy this next chapter…
Chapter Five
Before Eiji knew it, it was spring again, and the school year was almost over.
It had been five months almost to the day since he had seen or talked to Oishi, but it could have been yesterday, or a million years ago; Eiji wasn't sure anymore. Things like this had stopped making sense a long time ago. Sometimes Eiji felt as if the entire past year was just one huge blur, but at the same time there were things that stood out, and things that he couldn't get out of his head even after months of trying.
Everyone was in good spirits now because of the nice weather, and there were cherry blossoms, and summer was just around the corner, but all Eiji could think about was Oishi, and how much it hurt that he wasn't there. It didn't seem fair, for it to be spring again, when things were supposed to be starting fresh and growing, because Eiji could almost feel himself being pulled backwards, and he knew that he was definitely not growing at all.
Eiji tried not to, but he couldn't stop thinking of last year. Of the bench in the park and the tree with the falling blossoms, and Oishi telling him what he already knew but didn't want to hear. That Oishi was leaving. That everything was changing. That had been the beginning, and Eiji had spent the whole summer pushing that conversation as far from his thoughts as possible. He knew now that this had been the first of many mistakes.
Eiji knew also that he had no right to be mad, or sad, or to miss Oishi at all anymore. Because everything that had gone wrong over the past year was completely his fault. Eiji wondered sometimes if he had the right to feel anything at all anymore.
Eiji still missed Oishi so much though, which was ridiculous, since he was the one who had pushed him away. Oishi was gone, and he would never be able to blame anyone but himself. Then again maybe it was Eiji who was gone. Because Eiji was sure Oishi still existed somewhere, he could feel it, but he really wasn't sure about himself anymore.
A lot of things had changed, but when it came to Oishi, Eiji found that everything had remained exactly the same. Hideaki, his birthday, their phone calls, thousands of miles of distance, even months of not talking to Oishi at all - none of that seemed to matter because Eiji felt the same as he had the day Oishi left. He loved Oishi with all of his heart, in that stupid, weak, needy way that he had come to realize would slowly tear him apart, if he let it.
Eiji loved Oishi, but there were so many things that had gone wrong, and Eiji wasn't sure if there was any way for the situation to be fixed anymore. He had made so many mistakes, and he was sure that Oishi would never forgive him. Eiji didn't know if it had been one thing in particular, or everything all at once, but that didn't even matter anymore. All that mattered was that he had failed at the one thing that was most important to him. Oishi was gone now and Eiji knew that he was never coming back.
Sometimes Eiji had to remind himself of this repeatedly though, because it was the only way he could justify what he was doing.
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Eiji knew it was ridiculous at this point that he couldn't put into words, or even coherent thoughts what he was doing with Hideaki. It somehow never seemed necessary though, because it was just there. The bruises were there, and the pain when he landed hard from a shot. The marks on his wrists that he had gotten used to hiding perfectly were there too. Just there, and not at all like Oishi. Not at all like anything Eiji had ever known, or had ever even thought about, and that's what made it almost…nice, sometimes.
At first, Eiji figured it was something like shock that he had felt, both at how different being with Hideaki was from being with Oishi, and with how quickly he was able to detach himself from any reservations he might have had, as soon as he realized how much of an escape it could be. And at the time Hideaki had initially approached him, Eiji had been so confused, and so unhappy; he doubted that he could have effectively resisted anyway.
Being with Hideaki was different from anything Eiji had ever experienced. It took him to another place, away from himself, where he was allowed to feel something other than loneliness, and this was really all Eiji wanted.
It was nothing more than a feeling to Eiji, a sensation. The sensation was real, and almost pure, in a way, because it was completely devoid of any emotion. It was pain, and sometimes fear, in varying degrees, but never anything more than that. In a way Eiji was grateful, that something like this could exist, but a lot of times he couldn't help but wonder if he was just crazy.
Because Eiji knew he was being used. Eiji's heart and his mind were completely somewhere else, and he knew that Hideaki didn't feel anything for him either. Eiji knew also that Hideaki had the ability to really hurt him. He figured he should be able to walk away, knowing these things, but he just couldn't do it.
Because without this, Eiji knew he would never, ever feel a single thing again.
He would be completely alone, and Eiji already knew how much this would hurt, and that he wouldn't be able to stand it. Hideaki was the only thing that helped. Everything else had been taken away, when Oishi left. Everything good, everything he had felt with Oishi - Eiji knew it was gone forever. He knew that no one would ever make him feel like that again. And so it didn't matter, if he got hurt, or what people said about him, because Eiji knew that this was the only thing he wanted to feel unless it was Oishi.
Everything else was so complicated, that sometimes this was the only thing that made any sense to Eiji. It was black and white, when everything else was an impossible mess of grey. And since there was no room in his heart for anyone other than Oishi, Eiji could remain completely detached. It almost seemed like he was in control too, even though deep down, Eiji knew that he was in way over his head. Deep down, Eiji knew that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. Because when he looked at his life, at everything put together, it was clear. He had screwed up, and things were only getting worse.
Eiji had started hearing rumors again that Hideaki's boyfriend was jealous, and he knew what this would mean. The last time Hideaki had tried to appease his boyfriend, Eiji's wrists had been so badly bruised the next day he could barely move them. He'd had to sit out practices for nearly a week. Eiji didn't want to admit how scared he had been then. Hideaki had apologized, had promised him that it would never happen again and had even admitted that they had gotten out of hand, but Eiji wasn't sure if this made any difference.
Nothing seemed to make any difference anymore though. However Eiji tried to think about his life, and however he tried to justify it, everything was just wrong. Still, Eiji told himself, he had to make it to the end of this year. Beyond that was too much to think about but Eiji thought he should be able to manage a few weeks. He honestly wondered if even this was possible sometimes though.
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Eiji was on his way to afternoon practice. It was the day before the regional finals, and he had secured the singles one position, so he was looking forward to pushing himself hard at practice, in preparation the match that he hoped to get the chance to play. The team they were slotted to play against was a fairly even match for their talents, according to the coaches, so Eiji was hopeful.
For some reason, Eiji had managed to successfully detach his memories of tennis club in junior high and high school from his recent university club activities. Since he had started playing singles, he had improved a lot by playing on his own, and it was something he was almost proud of now. He had made regulars after the second ranking matches, just as Hideaki had predicted, and was now one of the university's star singles players. There were rumors that he had gotten the spot because of Hideaki, but it was obvious to anyone who looked that Eiji was one of the best players on the team. The only regular he hadn't defeated numerous times was Hideaki, and this was mostly because Hideaki hated even the possibility of losing to one of his teammates, so he avoided ever being matched against Eiji.
Out of habit, Eiji looked around at his teammates as he arrived to practice. He wondered how it was possible that after spending almost an entire school year with these people, none of them really knew anything about him at all. Eiji was aware that he had changed a lot since junior high and even high school. It was a large university, and without Oishi and Fuji and his other close friends around him, it was harder to be the joker, and to draw people in that way. But still, he hadn't expected it to end up like this.
Eiji knew that everyone on the team knew about Hideaki, and that it had given him a weird reputation. This was probably a lot of the reason why people tended to stay away from him. Eiji had no idea what Hideaki was telling people; the captain always claimed that he never said anything about what happened between them. But Eiji knew that the captain enjoyed spreading rumors. Eiji allowed it, mostly because he just didn't care. It didn't seem worth the effort to save face around people who showed such little interest in getting to know him in the first place.
Eiji's eyes fell across the tennis courts now, focusing on the row of cherry trees outlining the school's sports complex. He had been lost in his thoughts for a second, and had forgotten that they were in the middle of warm-ups. Everyone was running laps, and Eiji had stopped dead in his tracks.
Just then, someone plowed into him, a second year, and Eiji shouted out loud at the pain that the contact gave him. The second year looked at him helplessly, apologizing profusely, even though he was Eiji's sempai. Reactions like this always puzzled him, but he had mostly stopped trying to figure out what to do about it. Everyone had been tiptoeing around him for a while now, ever since the rumors involving Hideaki had started months ago.
Eiji smiled broadly at his sempai, and flashed a quick victory sign, assuring him that there were no hard feelings, though his teammate didn't seem particularly convinced.
He was about to turn around and finish his laps, but suddenly Hideaki was next to him, and Eiji cringed inwardly, knowing that their captain wouldn't miss the opportunity to make a scene out of this.
Hideaki clamped his hand on Eiji's shoulder roughly, his fingers pressing hard into what he knew was the most sensitive part of a large bruise that crept past the bottom of Eiji's neck and spread almost to his shoulder. Eiji's breath caught, and he braced himself for whatever comments Hideaki was going to make. Everyone else had already finished the run, and the regulars were gradually gathering around them. Hideaki dug his fingers into the base of Eiji's neck, just above his collarbone and Eiji fought the grimace on his face. He forced a cool smile, shaking off Hideaki's grip.
"What's the matter, Kikumaru-kun? Rough night?" Hideaki almost snarled the comment, leveling his eyes at Eiji, and allowing his smile to twist into a slightly bemused look of distain.
"Again?" Someone said loudly from behind him, and Eiji sighed loudly.
Several people snickered at the comments, and Eiji could hear a few whispered jokes shared at his expense. Eiji could feel also the particularly dark glare of a certain third year, Hideaki's boyfriend and doubles partner, from the back of the crowd, though he refused to acknowledge this. Eiji was sure that he was largely the reason why Hideaki had felt the need to put on this little show anyway.
Eiji rolled his eyes at Hideaki, and then grinned, focusing his attention on the group, something he knew would probably really irritate Hideaki. Eiji was the only one who could ever get away with being so rude to their captain. Though he, and probably the rest of the team knew he would pay for it later.
"So, who thinks they can win a game against me today?"
Everyone groaned. This game had been going on for a while now, and so far Eiji had been winning. Eiji could beat most of these guys with his eyes closed, if he had to. In any case, his challenge shut everyone up. Hideaki had promised a temporary regular's spot to anyone who defeated Eiji in these impromptu matches, after all, so even if his opponents were less than eager, it was definitely worth their while to play along.
Eiji was looking forward to playing seriously for once, in preparation for tomorrow, as he walked to the court to take on his first opponent, feeling his tension fade away as his focus shifted. He moved into position with confidence, crouching low in anticipation of the coming serve.
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The university's second doubles pair was about arrive on the court, when Oishi took his seat in the back of the stands, hoping to remain unnoticed. Fuji had promised not to tell Eiji that he would be there, and since it was a regional tournament, and the games were set in a fairly large area, with several sets of courts and many matches being played at the same time, Oishi figured that there would be a constant flow of people coming and going in the stands. He was confident that he could blend into the crowd without too much difficulty.
Eiji stood with his teammates on the sidelines, and Oishi watched him from a distance, trying to stop his heart and mind from racing out of control. Oishi couldn't help but notice that Eiji seemed to be acting strangely, and he worried immediately that something was wrong. The usual chatter that Eiji always seemed to keep up with anyone around him was notably absent, and his behavior towards his teammates in general seemed almost guarded. Though he appeared to be watching the match, Oishi could tell that Eiji was somewhere else. He knew that Eiji didn't play his best when he was preoccupied, but Oishi forced himself return his focus to the court after a while, telling himself that if there was something wrong, it would surely only make things worse if Eiji noticed him now.
When Oishi allowed himself to look over at Eiji again, just before his singles match was set to begin, he somehow couldn't believe that he was looking at the same person. Eiji was completely focused now, and full of energy, as if he had tapped into an unknown reserve of spirit that was available only to him. He was bouncing onto the court, and as soon as the match started, it was clear that Eiji was in top form. He was all over the court, hitting the most amazing, mind-boggling shots, and smiling the whole time.
His opponent was predictably tough, but Eiji pulled out all the stops and ended the match in record time, winning 6-2. He finished his opponent off with an impressive acrobatic air flip that had the crowd cheering wildly for him, as he walked off the court. Oishi was amazed, and felt a little silly for worrying before.
Most importantly, Oishi could tell that Eiji had been enjoying himself. He was stunned too, at how much Eiji had improved in such a short time. He had always known that tennis came naturally to Eiji, and could have guessed that he would probably naturally excel at singles too, but they had been partners for so long that Oishi couldn't remember the last time he had even seen Eiji play a serious singles match. He realized now that he had really underestimated him.
Before Oishi knew it though, the stands were clearing, as the spectators made their way to other matches. Most of the top seeded schools had already played, and it was clear now that despite Eiji's dramatic win, his university would not be advancing to the finals. He was fairly certain Eiji would be headed home now, and Oishi knew that he would have to approach Eiji soon if he wanted to catch him before he left.
Oishi was still trying to decide what to do, and when he looked toward the court again, Eiji was sitting alone on the team's bench on the other side of the fence, gathering up his things. The crowd had mostly cleared, and Oishi was the only one standing amidst the rows of now empty bleachers. If Eiji looked up he would definitely notice him, and Oishi wasn't sure if that was what he wanted right now.
It was too late though.
Eiji was standing, his eyes clearly fixed in Oishi's direction. Oishi was confused when Eiji didn't acknowledge him after a few seconds though. Because he was sure they were close enough and that Eiji had to recognize him. Oishi had just opened his mouth to say something, when he realized that Eiji had already turned around, and was walking toward the locker room.
Oishi had tried to prepare himself for every horrible reaction he could possibly imagine from Eiji, but Eiji had completely surprised him again, as usual. The door to the locker room closed behind Eiji with a creak, and a click, and that was it. Oishi had been shut out, again.
He wasn't sure what to do, so he just waited. He tried not to think though, because he knew that it didn't matter. It wasn't like he was going to turn back now, after all. Oishi made his way down the bleachers, and leaned against the fence outside the locker room, watching as Eiji's team members left one by one, filing out of the locker room after showering and changing. There must have been several teams assigned to the same locker room, Oishi realized after a while, because jackets and tennis bags in a variety of colors and styles paraded past him, as he waited.
It had been a while since the door had opened, when Oishi heard a familiar voice from inside the locker room. There was another voice too, and they were both getting louder, clearly approaching the door.
The door opened, and Oishi started to move forward, but stopped when he realized that it wasn't Eiji. Oishi recognized the person approaching him almost immediately as the bench coach from Eiji's match, and was confused for a second, before he realized what was going on. Suddenly he knew that there was only one person this could be, and Oishi could feel his whole body tensing in anger, as he tried to figure out what he should do. He realized now that it had probably been silly for him not to have considered this scenario along with everything else.
"Well, welcome back, Syuichiroh." Hideaki said the words loudly, throwing his head back in the direction of the locker room, before he fixed his eyes on Oishi, and chuckled.
The use of Oishi's first name spoken so disrespectfully and from someone he had never met before had oddly taken him off guard more than the stranger's approaching him out of the blue. Oishi realized that his throat had gone dry and that his mind was completely blank.
He opened his mouth to say something anyway though, but Hideaki cut him off."See you around," he said somewhat severely before he turned quickly, and started to walk away.
He was gone before Oishi had a chance to react.
It wasn't often that Oishi was left speechless, and he wasn't sure if he should be angry, or possibly thankful in this situation that he hadn't been forced to say something he might regret. Oishi was still trying to work this thought out in his head, when he heard the slow creak of the locker room door again.
Oishi hesitated for a long moment, but his tension faded when he realized that Eiji was calmly walking towards him, almost as if their meeting here had been planned all along.
Eiji closed the distance between them quickly, stopping a few feet in front of Oishi. Oishi stared at him, a little dazed, realizing that he had been so worried about Eiji's reaction that he hadn't even thought of what he would actually say. And now Eiji was standing right there in front of him, and Oishi knew he had to say something, because this opportunity was much better than anything he had hoped for. A rush of feelings and emotions flooded his mind, but Oishi was scared of saying anything that would upset Eiji, or worse, of saying something that would somehow scare him away. But Oishi knew he had to push all of that aside right now.
Oishi smiled, and said simply, but honestly, "You were great today. It's the best I've seen you play."
Eiji just stared at him for a minute, blinking several times, as if he was surprised before he lowered his eyes, shaking his head back and forth slowly.
"Eiji, it's true. You were amazing." Oishi took a step closer, his heart pounding. Eiji's head was lowered, and he was biting his lower lip slightly, like Oishi knew he always did when he was nervous or embarrassed.
The late afternoon air was almost unseasonably warm, but the breeze was cool, and it carried the threat of a storm. A distant rumble of thunder echoed in the distance, and Oishi saw Eiji look up in surprise, his eyes shining. Eiji loved thunderstorms and seeing his face light up now in anticipation was even more adorable than Oishi remembered it being. Oishi took a step closer, and watched Eiji question him with his eyes. Months ago, he probably would have known how to answer, but it had been so long, Oishi no longer knew what Eiji was asking him. But it didn't seem to matter right now. Eiji's eyes were pulling him in, like they always did. He could feel the electricity and the energy radiating from his body too and Oishi wondered what Eiji wanted him to do.
"Eiji…" He said it quietly, but urgently, knowing there was a lot more he needed to say, but hoping that this one word was enough for right now.
Oishi wasn't sure how it had happened, but suddenly Eiji was there and all Oishi could feel was the warmth of his body as everything else faded away. Eiji's hair was still wet from his shower, and it was cool against Oishi's face as he held him close. Oishi had no idea if his eyes were open or closed, or if he was even breathing anymore. Eiji was all around him, filling up the space between them with colors, and lights and warmth, and Oishi could feel his body lighten as any tension dissolved.
And then Eiji's mouth was on his and the kiss was sweet at first, and almost tentative before it turned hard and deep and hungry. Oishi was dizzy, but he found himself fighting Eiji for control of the kiss, despite the fact that he could barely breathe and he thought his heart might explode. Oishi could feel Eiji's body shaking under his fingers, as he slid his hand down his back, and pulled him closer. Oishi senses were quickly becoming overwhelmed, and he was almost grateful when Eiji pulled back slightly.
Oishi couldn't help but smile at Eiji's slightly disheveled appearance, when his mind was clear enough to think again. Eiji's face was flushed, and his hair was a mess, sticking mostly to his forehead since it was still damp. Oishi reached forward and smoothed Eiji's hair back away from his face, still catching his breath. His smile faded though as he saw that Eiji's eyes were filled with tears. Oishi watched as Eiji took an unsteady half step away from him.
"Eiji…" was still the only thing Oishi could manage to say, and even that came out almost inaudibly, as he reached forward to stop Eiji from turning away. His heart was reacting before his mind had even processed what was happening, before he even figured out that Eiji was trying to move away from him. He held onto Eiji's arm as if his life depended on it, because Oishi really felt that it did just then.
But Eiji was shaking his head back and forth now, and was fighting to move away. He was extracting himself from Oishi's grip, and Oishi was allowing him to, as if in a trance. Oishi's eyes blurred with tears and he froze for a second. But before he even had a chance to think, Oishi realized that his legs were already moving in the direction Eiji had gone.
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A/N: Well, this chapter just kept getting longer and more involved, so…I had to cut myself off! Sorry for the quasi-cliffhanger… I'll update soon! I'm wondering though, did Eiji's feelings/actions make sense in this chapter? Because it makes sense to me, but I just wonder sometimes how that translates into how I wrote it, you know? Hmm. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing, and Chapter 6 is coming soon… :)