My Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Chapter 2 – Rushing Memories

She began rushing through her story with as little detail as she could…'the less time with the memories, the better' she thought as she started into her story. "I was 17 when the Ishbal war started…I wasn't quite old enough to enlist, but my father pulled some strings. I've been firing a gun since I was seven and after my father told them I could shoot a hole in a deer's skull from a thousand feet away, they were practically begging me to join. I finished training in two weeks, half the time of most of the trainees and I'd already been told I was the youngest and best sniper in the history of the military. Naturally the Furher was immediately interested. I was thrown straight into the middle of the war. My assignment came straight from the Furher himself. I was to stand on the top of a building of his choosing and shoot down anyone that wasn't wearing a military uniform. I hadn't realized at first that he also meant women and children…" she continued to explain, but suddenly, she wasn't in the Colonel's hospital room anymore…she was back on the roof of the building in Ishbal. The memories kept falling from her lips, and he continued to listen.

Her memories rushed forward and she suddenly became apart of them. She couldn't stop herself as she stared down the barrel of her gun and took aim at the back of a man's head. She could feel the cold steel in her hand as she gentle pulled back the trigger. Everything happened in slow motion…she heard the hammer click back, but she never heard the shot. She was too busy seeing the 'man' turn around…it turned out it wasn't a man at all, but a child. The kid was no older than 15…he never saw it coming. Suddenly he fell to the ground, a bullet size hole in the middle of his forehead. She'd never felt such a feeling before, the feeling of taking someone else's life…it was terrifying. The back of her throat burned from the vomit that threatened to rise. Her arms and legs suddenly forgot all sense and she fell to the ground. She was in shock. 'I killed him…I, Riza Hawkeye, killed a man.' She thought, the realization began to sink in. 'No, not a man…I killed a child. An innocent kid.' She gulped hard to hold back the vomit and tears. She'd killed things before, deer, geese…all animals…but it was so different killing a human…it wasn't even an honorable death. She'd shot him when his back was turned…it was only by accident that the hole ended up in his forehead. Her gun lay on the ground beside her and she contemplated picking up and shooting herself…but she couldn't. It was a shotgun and it was too long to just hold to her head and pull the trigger…she'd have to take off her shoes and pull the trigger with her toes and she was shaking far too much to do that. Riza seemed to have lost all control of her body. Her limbs tingled painfully as she lay on the roof. Hours passed and she couldn't seem to pull herself together. This had never happened before…before this, she was the perfect little soldier. She took orders well and she did everything expected of her above the expectations. She'd tried to rationalize…'Those were my orders…I was only following orders' but it didn't make it any better. Yes, she'd followed orders, but that wasn't going to bring that child back to life…nothing would.

It had been Hughes that had found her. It'd been almost 36 hours that no one had seen her and her superior officers had been afraid they'd lost their perfect little sniper on her first day. They'd sent out the orders for someone to check her whereabouts and Hughes had been the one to volunteer. Riza could remember every detail perfectly. She'd rolled to her side by the time he'd come, but she still didn't have the energy to get up. A few hours after she'd shot the child, she'd started crying and after that first night, she'd finally cried herself out of tears…but now, she was just exhausted with nowhere left to turn.

Her back was to the roof door and when she heard someone open it. She prayed it was the enemy…she hoped that they'd kill her and save her the trouble. Hughes rushed to her side immediately, afraid she'd been shot, but as soon as he rolled her over it was apparent that she was fine…with the exception of a tear stained face. He looked at her with kind eyes and brushed her hair out of her face. "You okay?"

She couldn't find her voice, she could only shake her head. "What's wrong?" he asked kindly.

"Everything." She said. "Everything is wrong! We're fighting a war because someone pulled the trigger on the wrong person and now we're trying to solve it by killing everyone! Cure the illness by killing the patient!"

He could see the hurt in her eyes. Even then Riza could see that he was different. Compassion seemed to radiate out of his body and for some reason looking up at his kind face, she felt at peace. "Why don't we get you something to eat." He said. He grabbed her hands and helped her down the stairs and back to camp. They left her gun where it was…for all Riza knew, it was still on that rooftop.