My Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Author's Note: Wow…no flames. To tell you the truth I've never been so blown away. I got like 10 reviews in one day. To be honest, I really considered just leaving the story at chapter 5 and never touching it again, but because so many people wanted me to finish I had to agree it just didn't feel…done. Well here's another chapter. The story isn't quite "done", but it's getting there. Just to warn you, this chapter is intense, in fact I think it's one of the most intense chapters I've ever written for any of my stories…including my final chapter in "More than Existing" (which I'm sure none of you have read because its an X-Men: Evolution fan fic, which isn't anime). Speaking of other fan fics, because of the high response to this one I've decided to post the other fan fic I'm writing as well. It'll be entitled "Fever", but I won't be posting it until it's finished. Of course it's another Royai one, but it's more fluffy and sweet than this is. Okay, on with the chapter…

Chapter 6 – Churning Stomach

Riza swallowed hard and refocused her emotions. She refused to let her little show and tell with the Colonel get to her. Those old memories had haunted her for a long time…there were many nights she woke up in a cold sweat with the young Ishbalan boy's face in her mind. Now revisiting those memories had only gotten worse since Hughes' death. If it hadn't been for Hughes all those years ago she would have quit…'I might not have just quit the army' she thought morbidly as she recalled how she had wanted to put a bullet in her own head that day. Quitting life had seemed such an easy way out back then…until a few weeks ago Riza would have never expected to feel like she could just give up that easily again…that is until she'd heard that woman—that thing say that she'd killed Mustang already. That moment in time had shattered every rational thought Riza had ever had. Suddenly nothing mattered. The world had been ripped out from under her feet and sent through a shredder. Riza had never felt such pain before. Not even when she'd killed the Ishbalan boy…not even when she'd been shot that one time…suddenly there was only pain…all other emotions, feelings had been scratched out of her body and left her heart raw and bleeding. Just reliving the moment made Riza's heart clench in fear…the fear of losing him again was so strong she had to swallow to keep her tears and stomach in line. She let her body slowly slide against the wall until she found herself sitting on the floor. She felt guilty for what had happened in the 3rd Laboratory…that was the real reason she'd been unable to look at him when she was standing guard…she felt responsible…she had done this. When they were in that laboratory she had been the one that suggested that they split up…'I should have been there. My only purpose is to protect him…and I failed. I failed miserably' Hughes' words echoed in her head 'People need a purpose in their life, Riza. It gives us a direction…it gives us a reason to live—to keep on living even after we've done things we regret.' The words allowed her to begin breathing normally…her purpose was still here, and while she did something she could never take back…she still had a reason to continue on. Her breathing had leveled out, but her stomach was still raging…naturally she thought it was because of emotions…those fearful feelings of losing Mustang forever…she couldn't have been more wrong. 'I'm being stupid.' She thought, scolding herself. 'Old memories shouldn't affect me this much…' but they were...they were affecting her more than she realized. Her whole body felt taxed…as if she hadn't slept in years. In reality she hadn't slept or ate anything in two days…she'd refused to leave his side while they were moving him to his new room and her body wasn't taking the abuse well.

The Colonel's voice—his words had caught her off guard. 'Was I really stupid enough to hope that she was going to tell me that she loves me too?' The moment she heard those words something happened. For most people, hearing someone they care about say 'I love you' was something wonderful…but for Riza, it was a knife through the heart. It was even more painful to know that he cared…because neither could act on their feelings. Unexpectedly, a new emotion began rising up into her throat…it was anger. Not just at herself…but at Mustang as well. 'How could he do this to me? He was intentionally making me relive those memories just so he could try to get me to say it first. That bastard! If he actually loved me, he'd realize that neither of us could act on these emotions! What the hell was he thinking!'

"Ma'am?" she heard a voice say. She looked up to see a nurse pushing a cart with food on it. Her stomach growled silently. "Ma'am, are you okay? Do you need a doctor?"

She shook her head, "No, I'll be all right." She got off the floor quickly, but her stomach gave her an internal kick. Riza felt horrible, but she refused to show it. The nurse looked at her doubtfully—she could see the deep lines under the Lieutenant's eyes. 'You can't give help to those that don't want it' she reminded herself, '…at least not until their unconscious…' The nurse began to push her cart into Colonel Mustang's room but the Lieutenant stopped her. "Is that Colonel Mustang's lunch?" she asked

"Yes it is."

"I'll take it to him." Riza replied taking the plate from nurse's cart and marching into the room. She said nothing as she put the plate of food down on a tray in front of her commanding officer. He looked at her with surprise. She'd only been gone for a few minutes and he was surprised that she came back after what they'd said to each other…silently he wondered if she heard his remark. Roy looked blankly at his food. When he didn't start eating immediately Riza took command. "Eat." She said with more force than she intended. He look looked at her questionably. "Damn, do I have to feed you?" she said as she pulled a chair up to his bedside and grabbed the fork.

"No, Lieutenant. I'm sure I can manage on my own." He replied as he took the fork back from her. On any normal day he would have played stupid just so that she would feed him…but today he was afraid that she was liable to shove the fork halfway down his throat. He looked down at his plate once more. He wasn't really sure why the hospital called this junk 'food'. It certainly didn't look like any food he'd ever seen before. There were some orange noodles mixed with some sort of pink meat, he wrapped a few noodles around his fork and sniffed at the concoction. It smelled all right. He took a bite. It wasn't so bad…but he was sure a frozen TV dinner would taste like a gourmet meal compared to this mixture. He watched Hawkeye from the corner of his eye. Her breathing sounded strange and she looked very pale. He gathered a bit of courage and said, "Are you all right Lieutenant? You look a little pale…"

"I'm fine." She responded shortly. She didn't want to be mean to him, but she couldn't help but still feel a little angry…she still couldn't get past the fact that he loved her—'What was he thinking?'

"Why don't you take a break and get something to eat? I think you could use a pick-me-up."

She looked at him sternly, "I don't need anything. I'm not hungry." In all actuality she wasn't hungry. She hadn't eaten in so long she was far past hunger.

"Well at least have a drink of water…" he continued to urge her.

"No. I'm fine." She said, firmly putting up a wall. A drink actually did sound really good…her lips felt dry and cracked and her mouth was dry. She tried to lick her lips, but there wasn't enough moisture on her tongue. Mustang started eating again. He tried to seem really interested in his food so he didn't have to look at her. He couldn't imagine what he should say, but he still felt as if something still needed to be said.

Riza watched her commanding officer eat…but his form seemed to waver slightly. She shook her head softly in hopes of clearing her mind. The motion only made it worse, it felt as if something was loose inside her head and it took a dipping spin when she moved. Her breathing became erratic again.

Roy continued to look at his food, but he finally got up enough nerve to say something. "Lieutenant, I…I just wanted—"

She cut him off, "Just wanted an answer?" he looked at her stunned…he'd really just wanted to say he was sorry, but her outburst silenced him. She continued "I've given you my life, my loyalty and my heart! Isn't it enough! I only asked to keep this one reason to myself and you can't even give me that!" Her heart caught her confession and clenched with embarrassment…'I just told him everything…' one side of her desperately wanted to try to salvage her pride, but her mouth just wouldn't stop. She suddenly stood up from her chair and the chair overturned, "You wonder why I can't tell you 'I love you too'? It's because I don't love you! I hate you! I hate everything about you. I hate that you always call me Lieutenant. I hate that you never notice when I walk in the room. I hate the way you break my heart every time you go out with other women! I hate you because you break my heart every time you look at me. I hate the way I can smell your cologne when I stand next to you. I hate the way you look at me with that arrogant little smile. I hate the way your eyes burn holes in me when you look at me and most of all I hate you because I'm not allowed to love you!" she gasped in what little breath she could. Her head was swimming with her proclamations. Black shadows threatened to overcome the corners of her eyes as she stared at him, stunned. She felt as if all the blood had suddenly drained out of her. Roy opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, her vision blacked out and she fell to the floor in an unconscious lump.

Mwhahahaha! Yes, I am evil enough to just leave you on this kind of cliffy ;) You all should have seen my friend's face when I let her read it. Her exact response was "OMG! THAT IS AMAZING! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG." lol when I told her that the ending I've got in mind was even more "OMG!" she got quite annoyed when I wouldn't tell her what is/would happen ;). Please review, flame if you like...review make my day :)