Chapter 4: Diagram

It's well in the afternoon I get back and I find out Christian got moved to the psychiatric ward. Another good sign. His door is open, as with all patients under strict supervision. I can see him from far, sitting on his bed and staring out the window.

"Hi. How you feeling?" I say as I walk in.

He doesn't respond, just keeps on staring.

"Hey, are you there?" I ask a little louder, then reach out to touch his shoulder.

He slowly turns towards me, but he avoids my eyes, "I'm fine." He doesn't sound fine. I sit down in a chair. I expected it to be difficult, but he continues, "how did you find me?"

"I was told…"

"How come you brought me in here?" He interrupts me.

"Off chance I went in the surgery the right time. I guess God had something to do with it. He must have. He wanted me to help you."

"Help me then. They keep me prisoner. Get me out of here. If you sign…"

"I need a little bit more for that than you saying you're fine, Christian, and not even meaning it one bit!"

"I just wanna go home and forget about it."

"No. I don't countersign anything. It would be my responsibility if you did anything. Maybe that's what you want?" He turns away, disappointed by me mocking, so I give some way, "okay, what would you do if you'd be home?"

"Have a good f…"

"That's not gonna solve anything. You know that."

"It does. For a while. Besides, I get awfully anxious if I don't…"

I'm not arguing with him. His sex addiction is one of the things I'd like him to got to therapy for, "Christian. If you want me to even consider signing that paper not even twenty four hours after you made sure you'd die, you have to talk to me. Please say what's on your mind."

"No," he speaks with a strong minded definiteness. I recognise that reaction. Not as if we haven't been over similar occasions when he was down a thousand times, "it won't help." I contemplate what I should do next, but he seems to have changed his mind at least a bit and starts to speak, "I keep feeling like I'm not… I don't know… up to your standard. You're so damned textbook and you expect everyone else to be like that. And I can't. I make mistakes Sean and I don't think I can learn not to. So we're back to the good f…. those women want me, they don't judge me. It feels good you know?"

"I'm not perfect either!"

I hear him sigh, "but you're much closer to it than I am. God, I hate this sex issue coming up over and over again. I hate it. I really do," he said, rubbing his temples, "will you trust me again if I sorted that?"

I nod, not sure if I mean it, but right now I would lie to keep his spirits up. I also know there's much more to it, but I have to let him speak about what he's willing to at first, "what went wrong when you tried it before?"

"I found myself spending inordinate amounts of time in fantasy land. By that, I could just about maintain the same level of arousal as if I was doing it in reality. It's kind of a double whammy for me. Think it went so far it's gone actually chemical. I need the peptides that are released when sexually aroused to function. It's better than heroin believe me, I've tried both. But not even with fantasising can I counterbalance the part when I start thinking about being inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. I get moody and desperate. I want people to connect with me and make me whole! I thought about it so many times. I don't need any psychiatrist to tell me that it is this habit is what makes true intimacy impossible. Lust kills love. Conning myself time and again that the next one would save me, it's really like having no life whatsoever. How long can one go on like that?"

"Hey, hey, hey, slow down, one day at a time, one problem at a time. You need to concentrate on the present, on getting better, not the future. That will follow precisely from the present."

"The present. What is the present like Sean? Is it so beautiful? Does it not hurt every minute?"

"I never said it didn't. Right now, it bloody does," I admit, "but you know how it stands? It's a lot of work to be mindful, loving, and valuable. Also, being courageous enough to try is a choice, and a decision. Are you willing to make that decision?"

"I…I can't do it alone. I tried. I don't know how I can be different."

"That's what I'm saying too. If you don't like the way you are, you need therapy."

"I need you Sean. I need you to be like you once were with me. You know, go out for a pizza and a beer and talk. Just like before…before we ever met Julia."

"I'm not the same person anymore." I'm not. Christian is the one that hasn't evolved. I'm cleverer now, I can't get drawn into other people's mess, while I have one of my own. But committing myself to him probably causes less mess than if I didn't. I want nothing to do with Christian anymore. But that I can't do. Not until he stands on his own two feet. Oh hey, did he or will be ever? One day at a time, I remind myself of the same principle I lectured Christian about, "but that's good. Asking for help is good. Look, I know you don't wanna hear this, but you need to go back to the roots of your obsession. Then, you'll get comfortable with yourself and you won't need me. I would feel happier if a specialist guided you though. Weren't we friends for twenty years? If I could have helped you I would've done it by now. But there are people who went through the same things as you did, and there are people that are qualified…Christian?" I ask as he seems to be staring somewhere out the window again.

"I hear you."

"I need an answer."

"I'll speak to…whoever you want me to speak to. Whatever you think Sean."

Whatever I think? I think he is still very dependent on me and trying to make me happy. Those are not the right reasons for seeing a psychiatrist, but if it's the best I can achieve, it will have do just now, "will go for that pizza after," I promise.

"That'd be great," he responds emptily, staring at some mysterious place on the floor this time.

"Sorry, but I need to go look after the practice as well."

He nods, and I already step over the doorsill when I hear his quiet voice, "you need to take Julia back."

I freeze up. I know I haven't deal with that issue yet and I know I'll have to some time. I don't know what to say, but I look back at him. He is openly crying now.

"I will." Not immediately, but I know that I will eventually. Love her too much not to. Love him too much not to. I smile, making everything better and I step back and pull him into a brief, supportive embrace before I leave.

Tbc.