Chapter 7: Natural World

God, it's good to feel sick. I don't have to think, I can't think, my physical ailments are overpowering my mind as I desperately try to keep myself from throwing up. I lean forward, moaning, careful not to spoil the couch. My belly is throbbing, and it's nice that way because it gives me the comfort similar to floating on the bottom of an ocean where none of my negative thoughts can reach me. Hey, that was a negative thought. My eyes wonder in the direction of the clinic waste disposal box and I remember I had to throw quite a lot of blood samples in there today. All because my son felt uncomfortable in my presence and wanted to slip away unnoticed, turning over a tray. Matt certainly did not welcome me as his father with open arms. I know somewhere deep down that I overreact, but that's the way depression works, right? Perhaps he was just confused as I am about the way our new relationship should be. Hey, I'm thinking again, must mean I'm feeling better. Rain check, no, I'm not nauseous, I'm just tired, my stomach is only vaguely uncomfortable. Thankfully, I don't have much more time to contemplate as Sean enters. He's finished with surgery quite quickly, I guess he was rushing it because of me and I hope he didn't mess up anything. I would ultimately be my fault.

"You feeling better?" He comes to sit next to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I know he means good and I appreciate it, but he has no idea what I'm experiencing. It's so lonely. He's going home everyday to the dinner his wife cooks him every day, to his daughter that runs down the stairs to kiss him in the hall, right under the picture of his parents on the wall who have been so proud of their son's achievements.

I envy him. I envy his life, his problems, his competence, his wife… "Much better, thanks," I lie. Well, more or less.

"What was wrong with you? Don't you wanna lie down? I could take you home."

Home, yeah. My empty home, "no, I can still sit. I could catch up with some more paperwork. You don't have the time for it anyway."

"Liz said it was something about your stomach."

"Side effect."

"What? Does Celexa upset your stomach as well? Maybe you should try some antidepressants that are not selective serotonin uptake inhibitors. They are less likely to cause a digestive malfunction."

"No, Celexa is fine. I went back to Fluvoxamine."

"But…why? You knew it was going to make you feel sick."

"Not necessarily. Symptoms should be less intense the second time round."

"I still don't understand this. What's wrong with the other antidepressant?"

"It doesn't reduce my sex drive that's what's wrong with it!"

"Both drugs are known to do that, more or less."

"But it's whatever works for the individual. And I know what works for me. Sean I can't do this anymore. I shouldn't do this anymore. I slept with three different women last night."

"Certainly there are other ways…"

"There are. I also shot myself with Lupron."

"Lupron? The drug given to sex offenders? Don't you think that's a bit drastic?"

"Whatever works Sean!"

"That's insane Christian. What about the sexaholic meetings?"

"So I bump into Gina? Literally? I'm sure she's still desperate to make herself another bump."

"Who says you have to go to the same group she went to?"

"She moved. I don't know which group she attends now."

"Go then."

"Why? So I can meet other women like Gina that all wanna bounce on me?"

Sean sighs, "what's up with Cassidy?"

"She wasn't freaked out by me being a sexaholic."

"That's good."

"No. She was trying to be too protective. I got rid of her."

"There's no winning with you is there?…the meeting that's just a few blocks down the road, it's on tonight, right?"

"Gina used to go there."

"But you said she probably isn't anymore."

"Yeah, probably. I said probably."

"I don't care Christian. You need help. You can't fill yourself with chemicals that don't even work! I'm taking you whether you like it or not. No more paperwork."

"No more paperwork? Well, that part is sounds advantageous…"

"So you agree to go?"

"I'll…do it myself Sean, you don't need to take me. I promise," I say just so I shake him off. I can go and disappear very quickly, the same way I did before.

Tbc