OK, Fine. I'll keep on….

Ahem. When last we left our show, As the Villain Turns, I was looking out from the door to my ratty apartment, at a seventeen year old who couldn't hold his damned liquor.

"Heeyyy Shhegggoo" He says, or at least I think he says, and comes staggering in and then throws up, on my floor.

Not to mention me.

Well, I'm a…law abiding, if not good girl, now, and so I don't eviscerate him, or do any of the twenty-five other things that come first to mind. Instead, I drag him in, get him cleaned up…and clean up my floor.

Now, I'm talking (well, I am talking…he's slurring) to Ron. I owe him and well, like I said, we've been dating…or seeing movies together. I don't know if it counts as a date.

So, anyway, he's talking about Kim. Or bitching about Kim.

"Damned Kim…" He says, "She wants to geth into the business again…she's gonna die, I told her that…" And so on, and so on. They've been together forever, and she's his best friend, and why doesn't she understand that this is such a bad idea. If you've ever talked to a drunk you'll understand the difficulty of having a coherent discussion. Many good brain cells died that night.

So, I finally get it out of him that Kim is feeling weird and wants to go onto more missions, and she's cut him out of the loop about something. Someone else, I think. He even says that he doesn't understand that he knows her secrets, but then he clams up, even drunk.

That pisses me off. You would think that Ron would realize I wasn't going to go after her, but he's still keeping her secrets. And she's still treating him like shit.

Now, I can understand her not showing up—for one thing, I bet his parents would go ballistic, and if Kim doesn't see, she doesn't have to say. Associating with me could also hurt her ties to GJ and she does go with him to Bueno Nacho. But now… I bet she's found one of her boy friends, and is treating Ron like the unwanted tag-along.

Again.

And suddenly, I have had about enough of it. So, I'm going to go talk to Kimmie. If I don't like what I hear, I'm going to rearrange her face and forcibly retire her.

Well, I put Ron to bed and go find Kim. He won't wake up until morning, so that's OK. I also know how to find Kim, since she left her Kimmunicator with Ron, and I long since learned how to hack it and get her own unit's location.

I find her outside of somebody's house—oh that irritating co-cheerleader who also almost got turned into glacier chow.

That's odd—and more odd when Kim sneaks out of her back door and heads across the yard.

But that's not my problem. I swing down behind her and she doesn't hear me, which is pretty surprising. I tap her on the shoulder and tell her:

"Hey Kimmie, let's talk…about Ron" And she gives me a look like "Oh Shit!" I don't care. First I lay it out to her that Ron is asleep at my house, because he's terrified that she'll get killed again. Then, I point out that she's used up about ten lifetimes worth of luck.

Then, incase logic eludes her, I point out that if I have to break both her legs, I will and I'll keep doing it as long as it takes to get her retired, and what the hell is she doing to Ron? Playing around with a new boyfriend? Kim looks even more panicked, and I keep going. I let her know that keeping secrets from Ron isn't cool, because I can't think of anyone who deserves it less…and suddenly I'm yelling at her. Ron was there for me, and I'll be damned if I let some little red headed "heroine" toss him aside like a used tampon.

That's when Kim looks real upset, and tells me that there have never been any boyfriends, and Ron knows that. I glare at her and than ask her how can she think I would fall for that.

She sighs and then just looks at me and says: "Because Ron knows I'm a lesbian."

Now that's a discussion stopper. It's such a stopper that the next thing I know is that Kim is on her knees in front of me, telling me, with tears in her eyes, that Ron knows, she'd never hurt Ron, but please don't tell anyone else.

I suddenly have a good idea of why she's leaving her friend's house by the backdoor. I don't say anything about that…because I'm suddenly thinking about Dr. D's blush ray, and how Kimmie's always been easy to embarrass. She must be about ready to wet herself at the thought that tomorrow, "Kim Possible is a dyke" could be all over Middleton courtesy of Shego. Not only that, but I bet every one of her female friends would boogie, for fear of getting tarred…especially if they were.

Of course, Ron would never speak to me again. Of course, Kim only told me because she thought I really believed she was hurting Ron.

Thanks God. Just in case you didn't hear me the first time you pulled this on me with having Ron save me. Thanks. Really. No, I mean it.

So, now we're back at the diner, and I'm talking to Kim Possible. By mutual agreement, the whole sexual preference thing gets dropped, in favor of me telling her that she needs to get out of the business.

She points out that people need her.

I say, Bull, people want her, and they can find someone else. She doesn't get paid, she doesn't have health—has she ever considered what will happen if she gets a nasty compound fracture one day? She shakes her head. So I hit her with my big shot…and casually point out that in the kind of business she's in, well I've heard that closed casket funerals can be really hard on the family.

That shuts her up. I press my point by suggesting maybe, just to see, how it works, she could stick to non-criminal jobs? You know, guard the object, find the widdle hurt birdie… stuff like that, instead of "break into the lair and confront the heavily armed madman." Just for her senior year, say, to see how it works.

She promises to think about it, which is about as good as I'm going to get. I don't press my luck. I also realize that I have a drunk (well, probably hung over by now) Ron to get back to.

So I head back, and when I get home, Ron's basically having a fit, because he's afraid I was about to kill Kim. I point out that I would never kill his friend…maim is the closest I would get to. Then I start to think. We've kind of been on a date, and he's not had much of a love life.

Because the stupid little git is too loyal for his own good. I bet half the girls at school might be interested in him, despite his goofiness…but everyone does think he's with Kim… and well, would you try to horn in on some martial artist, super spy type's territory? I would, but I'm funny that way.

And I like him… He's been there for me, when he had no reason to. He's also cute…especially when something happens and you realize that for all the goofiness and losing his pants, he's pretty solid.

I let him know that I know about Kim. He pales, and I grin at him and let him know her dark secret is safe with me. But by the way… I'm not a lesbian.

So, being the demure sort I am, I grab him, pull him down to the couch and get busy.

Now, I have a bang up body…and Ron apparently agrees, when I remove the top and show him the fact that if I'm not about to get into a fight, I like to go unholstered. He isn't the most used to seeing something like that 'in the flesh' from the way his eyes get wide. (Well, he probably has seen Kimmie like that more than once, but given what I know now, she probably counts in his head as a sister…which is a whole lot different from what he's seeing now). After that, things get rather confused.

Now, for the record… For his first time out he's pretty good.

Also for the record. It's a good idea to not forget condoms at a time like this…especially when I'm not on the pill.

To be continued.