For Sinead
Warning: Strong language.
Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT, or any recognised entity in this fanfiction.
The Only Way
I'm standing in a small grocery store, staring down the barrel of a shotgun into the terrified face of a man. All I want is the money for more drugs, but he won't give me any. My hands are shaking; it's been over a day since I last had anything and needless to say I'm not doing so good. The look in his eyes tells me that he knows I will kill him if he doesn't give me money.
"How about picking on someone your own size?" A rough male voice asks. I turn my head in his direction. A masked vigilante, in New York they're a dying breed. If things had turned out differently in my life I could be the one standing where he was. Life doesn't always go as we want it though. He has a baseball bat in one hand and I have a shotgun. What possibly makes him think that he can leave here alive? He freezes momentarily.
"Kat?" His voice is a mere whisper.
"She don't exist no more." I tell him. I recognise him; my brothers best friend, Casey Jones. That was a lifetime ago.
"It doesn't have to be this way." He says.
"Of course not. I can just put down the gun and walk out of here, right?" I ask sarcastically.
"Are you willing to kill him for what you want?" He asks. I look at him for a long time. I shake my head.
"If I have to I will. I need that money, Casey."
"Then do it!" He snaps. I look back at the man behind the counter, who's looking between me and Casey, not sure what's going on.
"Give me the fucking money now!" I scream at him. He's still looking at Casey, waiting for him to stop me I guess. He shakes his head.
"No." He says defiantly. I close my eyes briefly, why can't he just give me the money and I'll leave him alone. Then I see that he's trying to hide someone behind him, a child of about ten. He's protecting her, probably his daughter. I stare into the scared eyes of girl. I stare into my own eyes. I don't do anything for a long time. Then I turn around, throw the shotgun at Casey and run out the door. Someone made a grab for me but I dodge past.
"Let her go!" I hear Casey call.
I crouch to put the small bunch of flowers on the ground, I reach up and put one hand on the gravestone.
"Be joinin you soon, pops." I whisper.
"I thought I'd find you here." Someone said from behind me. I whirl around, but see no one.
"Who's there? Come outta the shadows." I say and then I take an involuntary step back at what I see. A giant green turtle, he, she, it smiles at me.
"Yah, I'm real." He says.
"What are you doing here?" I ask.
"I was talking to Casey. He told me that you were a friend of his." The turtle explains.
"Well I'm not. He was my brothers' friend, but as you can see they're not friends anymore." I gesture to my brothers' grave.
"I can see that. I'm sorry." He says.
"Why? You're not the one who put him here."
"No, I'm not." He pauses, crosses his arms across his plastron and looks me in the eye.
"One night my brothers and I were looking for these guys who had robbed a friend of ours. We chased them into your families store on the night they died."
"They hadn't just come across our place by accident? They were trying to get away from you?" I was trying to make sense of what he was telling me. The turtle nods once, he doesn't look happy.
"Yeah," he says quietly.
"And now you're looking for me to tell you that it's okay? Looking for my forgiveness?" I ask. He stares at me silently and I just stare back at him. To be honest all I want to do is kill him, but I can't.
"Do you have a name?"
"Leonardo." He replies.
"Well, Leonardo let me ask you a question. Do you know what it feels like to be the only one in your family left alive?" I look him full in the face.
"I do, every day. I want to know why it is that I'm so deserving of this live when better people like my father, mother, my brother aren't? What did my brother do that was so bad that it warranted him getting his brains beaten in by some bastard? Why was my father shot when all he had ever cared about was working hard and providing for his family? And my mother? She cared for us, loved us, she did nothing wrong. They killed my family and you let them! For your petty need to prove that you could do something my family are dead! I can't…" I turned and walked away from him.
And now here I stand. Staring down on the cars that move up and down the street, the people that walk the pavements below. So calm, so happy and oblivious in their lives. They don't know or care about the nameless faceless people like me. These people walk past people like me and pretend they don't see us. To them we're just invisible. We don't exist.
"Do you're just going to jump?" Leonardo asks from behind me.
"Beats the hell out of living." I reply.
"Maybe it does. What's wrong, you afraid of fighting?" He asks me.
"What the fuck would you know about it?" I snarl at him.
"I know that running away isn't the answer. It's just giving up. That the message you want to give those people down there? Sure, right after you hit that pavement they're going to panic, maybe even be afraid. By this time tomorrow they won't care. You'll just be another forgotten kid who killed them self."
"I don't care what they think!"
"Of course you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be up here, you would have found yourself a nice quiet corner and slit your wrists, or be swinging from the rafters of some abandoned building. Instead you're out here envying what they have and what you don't. Is that really what you want, Kat?"
"Kat doesn't exist anymore. She died a long time ago when some bastard destroyed her life by taking away the only people that ever loved her. I'm no one."
"No, you're Kat. Not the same Kat that you were as a child, but you are her. Remember when you were a child? See that child? Does she want to die? Doesn't she have a right to live? A right to laugh again? What about your fa-"
"You have no right to speak of him! He was a good man."
"Yes, he was. He gave up a lot for his family. Imagine if he was here now. What would he think of you now? Would he be proud to see his daughter take her own life because she's given up on life?"
"I don't care what he thinks. He's dead."
"You and I both know that isn't true. You care more about what he would think of you than you want to admit to anyone, especially yourself." He walked to the edge of the building and looked down at the ground below, and then back at me.
"If you kill yourself I won't stop you. I'm not asking that you worry about what your father would think. Just you and me here now, Kat. Are you willing to give up everything? Life may not seem so good right now, but if you put in a little effort. You may be able to run fast, but no matter how fast that is it isn't fast enough to get away from yourself."
"Why do you care so much?" I ask.
"Let's just say that I don't want to see you throw your whole life away because of something that isn't your fault."
"What do you mean?"
"It isn't my fault that your families dead any more than it is yours. But you're still blaming yourself. The people who are at fault are those guys that shot them. I don't think any of your family would blame you for wanting to live. I get the feeling that it's what they want for you as well. All you gotta do is ask." He says. A tear slides down my face, the first in so many years.
"And where do I go? Who in their right mind would want to?"
"If you ask you'll find out." He tells me.
"It's so hard sometimes, ya know. Fighting is just an endless battle. Giving up is the easy way out, the easiest way. I'm so tired of fighting."
"Believe me I know what that's like. There are so many people who just give up and people ask themselves what they could have done to help that person, but in the end they can do nothing if they don't know."
"It's like walking up a mountain only to get to the top and find out that you have another mountain to climb."
"Yeah, but it helps when you've got friends along for the ride. They can't carry you, but they can help to carry the load."
"Help me, Leonardo. I don't know what to do." Out of the corner of my eye I can see him smiling. He holds out my hand and I take it. He pulls me back from the edge.