8. Catch-up
I ran into the washroom to get a cloth to soak my eyes with, but I was too horrified at my reflection in the mirror to do much. My normally grey-blue eyes appeared yellow and empty. Everything Revan did caught up to me. The faces of the innocent I slaughtered and the planets bombed into oblivion flashed before my eyes. I knew I couldn't handle living in guilt and death, just like I couldn't handle living without a past. I was in a krayt dragon cave without a plan. I was walking up to a sleeping rancor without a weapon. I was dead. I let myself fall face-down onto the mattress and cry. I tried to keep the image of my eyes out of my head, but it was burned into my memory. The memories kept surfacing, getting more brutal and violent. I concentrated on keeping them down, but the harder I concentrated, the more my head ached, as though begging me to let go and immerse myself in the emotional pain. I heard the door slide open and footsteps rush in. Something heavy landed on the mattress and a hand rested on my back. I lifted my head and looked at Carth, who was concerned.
"What's wrong?" He asked softly.
"I don't know how I live knowing what I did." I sobbed. "How could they forgive me? How could anyone forget?"
"No one's forgotten," Carth explained. "But I've forgiven her. She brought you to me." I remembered the last moment of Revan's life: Malak's ship firing at the bridge of hers, falling to the ground and mentally pleading to do it differently, for a second chance. It wasn't me, was it? "It wasn't you that did all those things." Carth answered my thoughts. "It was Revan, and she's gone."
"But was it me that asked for a second chance?" I realized that Carth had no idea what I was talking about. I explained the vision to him. He held me and rocked me, whispering comfort as I sobbed. "I don't even know why I got so upset at breakfast."
"You don't have to know why." He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. "Don't beat yourself up over this; it'll only make it worse. I'm sure the others will understand."
"Will they?" I challenged. "What if this is Revan coming out?"
"Revan is dead." Carth held my shoulders firmly and stared me straight in the eye. "I felt it when you refused Bastila's offer on top of the temple. You resisted with a sense of finality that the best Jedi Masters only dream of. The battle is over, and you won, Ciara." I started sobbing again and he pulled me back to his chest.
"You shouldn't wear this jacket anymore." My voice was muffled in the orange ugliness. "I'm going to ruin it."
"I'll find an uglier one if you'll promise to keep teasing me."
"I'll keep teasing you as long as I have a breath in my body."
"That's what I wanted to hear." He hugged me tighter. "I'm not moving until you're okay." We sat for awhile in silence.
"I'll be okay. Will you still stay?" I asked.
"What's in it for me?" He teased.
"It just might be better than staring at my butt while I run around." He laughed.
"You noticed?"
"I could almost feel your eyes burning holes in my pants." Teasing Carth made everything easier somehow.
"It was the best thing to look at. I tried to focus my attention somewhere else, but it brought my eyes back like a magnet."
"Just keep making excuses." My voice was choppy. "I sound pathetic, don't I?"
"I think you should stay here and rest for awhile. I'll tell the others." He stood up and walked toward the door.
"Come right back." I nearly whispered. I felt weak from the sudden surge. I allowed myself to fall down on the bed again, face-up this time.
I wished things were easier, more lighthearted. I wanted to have a pillow fight, jump on the bed, chase him around the room, or do anything childish and stupid. Instead, I lay on the bed looking like hell. Carth was bustling about, but I couldn't figure out what he was doing until he came up to me with soft trousers and a shirt.
"Put these on." He instructed. "They're comfortable. They'll make you feel better." I lifted them up.
"They're huge." I looked at the black pants I held in front of me and up at Carth. "You're getting me into your pants!" I exclaimed.
"One way or another." He smiled and put out his hand. I took it and stood up off the bed. He put his arm around me and took me to the washroom. I put the clothes on. I did feel better, even though they were enormous. I washed my red, puffy face with cold water, afraid to look at it. I caught glimpses of my eyes looking normal, but my headache and the image was still there. I wondered if I'd ever be able to be normal for a day and started weeping. I stumbled out into the main room again. "What's wrong?" Carth asked, suddenly by my side, leading me to the bed.
"I have a headache." I explained. "It's the worst thing I've ever felt."
"Do you want me to get someone?" Carth asked.
"I want you to stay here." I said stubbornly.
"I'll just get Bastila. She's close by." He bargained. "She could do something with the Force."
"Why can't you just open the door and yell?" I sighed.
"I'd only be gone for two minutes." Carth pleaded.
"When did you get so damn persistent?" I exclaimed.
"That's another story." His tone lightened. "I'll grab the first member of our crew I can find. I promise."
"Fine." I put my hands on my head, trying to somehow keep the pain in. I began getting more flashes of visions that made it worse. I cried harder and curled up in the fetal position. Why did Carth leave me? He had made the images go away. I wanted to begin wailing, but I felt that if I did, I'd lose control and go completely crazy. I took a deep breath and tried to meditate, but the visions only came faster: faces of innocents, screams of children, last breaths of Jedi, torture victims, planets… Every time I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. It was nearly unbearable.
"Guilt." A voice above me said. "It's finally catching up to her…" I could almost feel the room spinning out of control. I couldn't tell who was talking. I only caught moments of speech, never enough to piece together or concentrate on. Nothing was substantial enough to distract me from visions of terror. The voices sounded like audio from a holo skipping quickly and incoherently.
"…realized what happened…"
"Run its course…"
"Something we can do?"
"Wait."
"Just wait."
I suppressed a scream. The room spun faster. I was nauseous. I saw heaps of bodies, battlefields strewn with dismembered corpses. I smelled the stench of rotting bodies.
"What?"
"It should pass…"
"…feels temporary."
"Masters won't touch it…"
"…tainted with the dark side…"
Above the meaningless chatter, I could hear my voice screaming, pleading for their help, but no one heard me. I wanted to make the spinning stop. I wanted the visions to stop. My hands turned red with blood. I saw people slaughtered for getting in my way. I DID ALL THIS. I realized and shrieked. I would give anything for it to be wrong, but I knew it was right. Worlds exploded. Lives ended. I felt like every organ in my body was being ripped out one at a time as I was shown the gory details of what had been done to every single victim I'd had.
"nightmares…"
"if they are to stop, she must face her identity consciously"
"doesn't seem conscious…"
"has more control than it appears… exhibiting great restraint."
"What's wrong?"
"Nightmare…"
"Visions…"
"Revan…"
"Revan is gone, I know it…"
"Last stand…"
"…meditate with her?"
"no state to…"
"NO!" I screamed. The room stopped suddenly. My eyes flung open to find faces staring at me. I was dizzy and disoriented. I was exhausted. I felt like I'd been thrashing around violently for hours.
"Ciara?" Mission asked innocently. My entire body shook with fear and sadness. I reached out and put my trembling hand to her face. My palm was clammy.
"Be careful!" Bastila hissed to Mission. "We don't know what kind of state she's in." Her distrust of me stung.
"Mission…" I started crying. My voice was hoarse. "What have I done? I destroyed everything. How could you stay with me?" I felt detached from my voice, my body, my mind.
"That wasn't you, Ciara."
"Ciara… isn't real." My words were slow. "The Council made her up. I'm Revan, aren't I? I saw what I did." I took my hand off Mission's cheek and looked at the other faces. They looked a lot less confused than I was. I sat up. Multicolored fuzzy blobs filled my vision. I waited for them to clear before I spoke. "Jolee." My voice was weak, but I began to feel it coming back to me. I was aware of the vibrations in my throat coinciding with my words. "You knew. Why did you come?" I felt the tears on my face, helping me slowly reconnect with my body.
"You have a destiny far greater than Revan ever had." He explained, gently resting his hand on my shoulder. "You battled Revan, each of us saw it. You fought her and won."
"I don't feel like I won." Tears streamed down my cheeks.
"But you're still here." Juhani gazed at me dotingly, like she was looking at a baby gizka. "That's victory. It may take awhile to compose yourself again, but you still won." I sobbed and turned to Carth, who was sitting next to me. I squeezed him until I thought I'd break ribs if I squeezed any harder. I closed my eyes, feeling tears drop from my lids as though I had just squeezed a damp rag. He ran his fingers through my hair, holding me just as hard as I was him. As though it were second nature, I found myself in a meditative state, in a white place full of nothingness. I shouted at the visions to leave. I drew my lightsabers, offering to fight them away, although I couldn't see them. I could feel them rumble, like thunderstorms. They tried to flare up again, but I shouted at them again. The rumbling slowly subsided and I felt it leave until nothing was left except peace. I stayed on my guard, making sure they wouldn't come back. I was twice as exhausted as I had been after defeating Malak. I no longer felt uncontrollable emotion. I was an empty shell, and I relished this feeling, taking deep breaths and feeling them course through my hollow body. My eyelids slowly lifted. No one had moved. I lifted my head and looked at Carth. His deep brown eyes were moist and concerned. I smiled weakly and looked at the others. Bastila looked the most relieved.
"Am I going to—" I started.
"Of course you'll be okay." She finished. "By letting those emotions wash over you, you acknowledged them, but you won in the end. This shouldn't happen again." She smiled assuringly.
"I don't think I could do it again." I felt tears run down my cheek.
"You will if you need to." Bastila stated.
"I guess." I sighed. "What time is it?"
"Late afternoon." Bastila answered. "You were consumed by the nightmares for quite a while."
"I was asleep?"
"No, the visions put you in a state similar to meditation, only they dictated what you saw and felt. That was not you." Bastila said firmly. "That was the last of Revan."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Don't dig for compliments, Ciara." Bastila smiled. "You know we're convinced, just as you are." Canderous was rubbing off on her.
"Of course you're not allowed to be confident, because you could still fall," Jolee mimicked the Council. I smiled weakly. "But I don't think any of us doubt your conviction." Every member of the crew was staring at me awkwardly.
"You should see your faces. You all look like you're carved out of stone." I smiled. I wanted to laugh again, but I didn't have the energy.
"We were so worried." Juhani looked sad.
"I think I'm doing a lot better, guys, thanks." The tears were stopping. The vision of my eyes as evil pits was fading.
"We had a dinner scheduled with the Council." Jolee stated. "I'll go and reschedule it for tomorrow. We can eat as a crew somewhere. We had a great conversation going on this morning before we had matters to attend to."
"How about in an hour?" Juhani asked. "The restaurant where we had breakfast has a terrace that I hear is lovely…"
"Two hours," Canderous countered. "I can't eat this early."
"That gives me time for a snack before dinner." Zaalbar affirmed. I tried to laugh again.
"Two hours it is." Jolee smiled. "I'll tell the Council and make the reservations." He didn't tell me to pull myself together or anything, and I was grateful. Everyone filtered out of the room, leaving Carth and me alone. I opened my mouth.
"You do not look like hell." Carth said sternly. "You look like you just fought a war single-handedly and won."
"I'm predictable, aren't I?"
"A little." He smiled. "I was so worried when you—"
"I don't want to talk about it." I sighed. "It's not you, it's just that I'm done with it for right now."
"I know the feeling." Carth smiled weakly. "Do you want anything to eat or anything? Maybe you should take that bath."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?" I teased.
"Of course not!" He replied.
"You saved me again." I said quietly. "If you hadn't been there, I'd have—"
"I couldn't lose you."
"Thank you." I felt completely unburdened. I pressed my lips to his, which parted a little and I felt a tinge of nervousness and excitement at this new addition. He took my lower lip between his. It was gentle but made my heart pound with anticipation. My exhaustion and sadness vanished, and I focused on the moment in which I now found myself. The kiss was too slow to be a "get naked now" kiss, but it was having that effect on me. I reclined and put my arms around him, pulling him on top of me. A small moan escaped his throat, the sound of which stirred my blood, but he kept the pace of the kissing slow. He tilted his head slightly and brought his right hand up to my face, stroking it gently. Tentatively, I let my lips part, mimicking the way he had just kissed me, but I felt my tongue emerge, lightly brushing his lips. Before either of us knew it, we were making out like teenagers. The pace quickened, our legs intertwined, and I thought we'd have to skip dinner. I ran my fingers through his hair, taking in its softness and forgetting we had to be presentable. The gentle stroking of my face had turned to his hand's gentle but firm presence under my ear, holding me. His lips pulled away and my eyes flew open. He began kissing my neck gently. I was incapacitated with joy. I kissed the top of his head, my hands moving down his shoulders until I was holding his back. He had worked his way down my neck and reached the neckline of my shirt when there was a knock at the door. He stopped and lifted his head, listening.
"Are you guys ready?" Mission's voice called.
"Almost!" We replied in unison, instantly getting up and scrambling to make ourselves presentable.
"You did a number on my hair, gorgeous." Carth teased.
"I would have been able to control myself if you weren't such a good kisser."
"How would you know?" He put water in his hair and smoothed it down.
"I may not know any better, but I think I was having a good time." I twisted my hair up into a makeshift bun and fastened it quickly, then ran to the closet for some clothes.
"How ready is 'almost'?" Mission called.
"ALMOST!" I answered, pulling on some pants. Carth rushed into my corner and grabbed a clean shirt. "Spying on me?" I asked.
"Of course!" He grinned and pulled off his shirt.
"Put your shirt on now or we're never getting out of here." I ordered.
"I'd rather not, but I guess I have to." He threw it on and fastened the buttons. His muscular chest disappeared under the white fabric, to my dismay. I pulled on a blouse and sat down on the bed as I put my sandals on. The sheets were awry. I wondered what would have happened if Mission hadn't knocked…
(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people light up my life!