Chapter 7: Secrets

Mulan lined up with the other soldiers first thing the next morning. The captain came out of his tent in a foul mood. His angry gaze went down the line of soldiers. It fell on her and he fixed her with a glare that could have burned a layer of skin off of her face. But she met his gaze bravely. She was very afraid, but she had already resigned herself to the fact that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. If the captain was going to give her a hard time now, then she would be prepared. She would not give up and go home, if that's what he was thinking, and she made up her mind that she would make sure she bested him at any power game he might try to play. And she would never give him the satisfaction of knowing that she was afraid.

xxxxxxx

Shang found himself watching Mulan closely all day, seeing her differently now that he was aware of who and what she was. He watched her spar with one of the men during Kung-Fu practice. She was so swift and athletic and agile. She really had become an excellent little soldier. As angry as he was at her for completely turning his world upside down, he couldn't help but marvel at her in spite of himself. At the fact that such a small girl like that had proven herself to be as good a soldier as any of the men. She certainly was Fa Zhou's daughter and had apparently inherited her famous father's talents. She had the best aim of anyone in the camp in both archery and cannon practice. She ran faster. And she seemed to delight in the fact that she could do almost everything better than the others.

"Better than the men," he murmured to himself in wonder.

He scrutinized her face, trying to see the feminine features under whatever it was she used to obscure them and darken her skin. All he could see were her eyes. Her dark eyes were bright and mischievous, and her intelligence shone out through them.

Zhao had been right. She was exceptionally intelligent. She had to be to pass herself off so successfully. During the meals and breaks he watched her interact with the other soldiers. She really blended in with them now and had earned their friendship and respect. No one would guess the difference if they didn't know the truth. He tried to imagine her feminine form under the soldier's uniform, thinking about the brief glimpse he'd had that one night at the lake. The uniform hid her feminine form well; maybe she had something wrapped around her body to hide her curves as well. She was smarter than anyone in the camp, which is probably why she had excelled the way she had. He was furious at her, he utterly hated her for deceiving him and for putting him in this difficult situation. But he was also deeply impressed and fascinated with her.

xxxxxxx

Mulan found a high, large flat boulder on one side of the lake, which was hidden by a clump of trees. There were crannies and crags in the boulder that made it very easy to climb. She climbed up and perched herself there, and looked out over the water, thinking. She had wanted to be alone and had come to the lake that night to look for a secluded spot. Mushu was with her, but had agreed to stay quiet. The large boulder she had found was perfect, comfortable and hidden. It was a great lookout spot, and a great place to think. She decided that it would be her spot from now on.

It was now twenty-four hours since the captain had confronted her with his discovery at this lake. He hadn't said a word to her all day, but the glares he'd given her were beyond any he'd ever directed at Ping. Tension hung in the air between them like a heavy cloud and she could sense the pure hatred that he felt toward her now.

She sighed. She had resolved to continue as she had been and not be afraid. But her stomach had been in knots for the past twenty-four hours and the gnawing pain she felt seemed to be boring a hole into her abdomen.

She started at a sound that came from behind her, on the ground. She stiffened and turned around. Someone was climbing up the boulder. A moment later, the captain appeared.

He saw her and glowered at her, clearly disturbed by her presence there. "What are you doing here?" he demanded.

She just stared at him, stunned. Poor Captain Li, she suddenly thought, somewhat amused. Not only had she infiltrated his army camp as a girl, she had also inadvertently invaded what was apparently his territory and had taken his spot away.

"I wanted to unwind," she answered.

He glared at her for a minute. Then he came forward and sat down beside her.

"I haven't told anyone about you. I'm not going to."

"Okay."

"Do you understand what kind of position you have put me in?"

"I didn't mean to," she muttered, feeling guilty. "I appreciate you sparing my life, though."

"I didn't do it for you," he snapped. "I'm going to be in trouble if anyone finds out about this. I'm going to be judged."

"Oh, well I'm really sorry, Captain!" she retorted, suddenly resentful that he was making her feel guilty about his inaction. "I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation! But, you know what? I didn't ask you to spare my life. Whatever decision you made for yourself is exactly that. For yourself and because you want to protect yourself. So don't blame me for any situation you're in now." The words had just tumbled out of her.

"Mulan, what are you doing?" Mushu was muttering from under her collar. "Are you trying to provoke him into killing you?"

"Who do you think you are, to talk to me that way? In this camp, even though you don't belong here, I am your commanding officer! And you are nothing but an inferior girl!" His tone was angry, sneering, nasty.

"Well, what are you so afraid of then? An inferior girl? That's what you're afraid of? Here, you have an opportunity right now." She leaped up and walked to the edge of the boulder. "Come on. You can push me right off of this boulder and say Ping was killed in an accident. No one ever need know."

His mouth dropped open in astonishment.

"Don't give me any tempting ideas, Mulan!" he retorted after a minute.

"Mulan, have you gone crazy?" Mushu whispered frantically in her ear. "Do you want to die?"

Mulan reached back and grabbed Mushu, holding his mouth closed and shutting him up.

Captain Li stood up and moved toward her. Her heart was pounding in her ears as she watched him approach, threateningly. From the look in his eyes she was sure that he was going to push her over the edge. Mushu was moaning in her ear.

She was resolved to match him in the battle of wills no matter what. He seemed to realize that. He stopped just a few inches from her and stared at her. She stared back at him, feeling angry and, at the same time, oddly and exhilaratingly breathless and excited. He was so close to her, she could feel the heat from his body. She had never felt more alive than she felt in that moment.

"You should be at home, Mulan," he muttered. "You're a girl and you don't belong here. What are you going to do when we're sent off to battle?"

She didn't say a word; she merely answered him with her defiant look.

"Are you insane? You want to go to battle?"

"No. But if we're called to the front, I will go with my regiment and fight bravely."

"Mulan, you should be at home."

"Are you ordering me home, Captain? For what reason? I'm as good as any of the other soldiers now and you know it."

"I am strongly urging you to go home, Mulan. You could be killed."

"So? So could you and everyone else. And what do you care? If I get killed in battle your problem will be solved. And you can bury me before Chi Fu or anyone else finds out. But I won't give up and go home. If you make it an order, I will obey your order. But you will need a good reason or it will look suspicious to Chi Fu. And I will not let you make me give up and go home on my own."

He stood there and stared at her, speechless.

She saluted him, then lowered herself over the edge of the boulder to climb down.

"I'll leave you to your territory," she remarked, sarcastically, and lowered herself quickly before he could respond.

When she got to her tent, Mushu hopped out of her robe and began to scold her.

"Just what did you think you were doing back there? Are you trying to die?"

"No. But if I'm going to, I'd rather get it over with than have this guy play games with me because he's on some power trip about it."

"What are you talking about?"

"You didn't see what he looked like yesterday and today when we were having these arguments. I could see in his eyes and in his face how much enjoyment he was getting out of making me afraid. And I am not going to stand for him being on some power trip with me and I'm not going to spend the rest of my time here walking on eggshells and being afraid. If he is going to kill me, he should just do it. And if not, he should shut up and move on, and stop acting like he's doing me some big favor."

Mushu just buried himself under her blanket muttering something about Fa Deng.

"You never did tell me what happened with Fa Deng," she replied to his muttering.

"And I never will."

xxxxxxx

Shang slowly sat down on the boulder after Mulan had gone, his head spinning from the conversation he'd just had with her.

The girl was really too much. Never in his life had he ever imagined that a girl would talk to him the way she just did, whether he was captain or not. He knew he had been nasty and insulting to her. He had called her an inferior girl, and he knew that she wasn't. He knew she was smarter than anyone in camp, including him. But he felt that she deserved to be insulted. He had every right to be angry and every right to lash out at her.

But she…she was outrageous! Reckless and fearless. She did not seem to fear death at all. Since he had first revealed to her that he knew about her, she'd been challenging him, daring him to kill her! Was she nuts? Every word that came out of her mouth had been a challenge to him. If it had been a man talking this way to him, an officer, it would have been outrageous. But this tiny girl! It was scandalous for her to talk to any man like this, yet alone an officer! He'd never seen anything like it in his life.

He hadn't been able to admit to her that part of the reason he had no intention of hurting her was because he admired and respected what she had done for her father. He had made it out that the only reason he'd spared her life was for his own benefit.

The next morning, Zhao came to Shang's tent. Kai-Feng was doing much better and he felt that it was alright for him to depart for his own home instead of staying the week. Shang thanked him and had one of the men that had come to camp on horseback escort Zhao back to his village. He didn't want Chi Fu riding with Zhao and run the risk of something being mentioned about 'Fa Zhou's son'.

Shang was greatly relieved that the only other person who knew the truth about Mulan was leaving the camp.

He went out and began the training for the day. He noted that once again Mulan was on time. She had always been the last to assemble in the morning; but for the past two days she'd been the first. The familiar wave of anger rose up inside of him as he looked at her. She looked at him, her eyes calm as they met his. Her calm but fierce challenge.

He kept himself removed from her. During Kung-Fu practice he paired her up with someone other than himself. He knew that she was better than everyone else and that he was the only one who would present any challenge to her at it. But he was afraid to let himself be so physically near her; to run the risk that his fury would completely overtake him and he would harm her with his bare hands.

They did not say another word to each other for the rest of the week. But he constantly found himself staring at her, whether they were training or not. Often the two of them ended up exchanging glances with each other and he felt like they had some sort of odd understanding between them, some connection. It was very strange and it would make him stop for a moment. Then he would become angry and force himself to try to shake it off.

xxxxxxx

Unable to sleep, Mulan had come to the boulder in the middle of the night to think again. She was sure she wouldn't run into Captain Li there now. It was a good thing, too. She didn't want him to feel like she was invading his territory again. She rolled her eyes at that thought.

Things felt as out of control as they had felt when she first came to Wu Zhong. They had been continuing to train all week. She and the captain never said a word again. But there was a constant, non-verbal battle of wills going on. She didn't like that. She preferred the face to face confrontations with him. In a strange way those arguments had excited her and had given her contact with him.

The weird thing was that at several times during the week she had caught him staring at her, watching her while she was training and during meals. He wasn't glaring at her, though. He seemed to be scrutinizing her body, her face. His stare was so intense at those times and he looked so faraway as he watched her. Eventually he would start out of it; that's when he would look angry. And he would give her a look that made her feel as if a flash of white hot lightning had seared through her body.

She wouldn't mind him staring at her if he knew what she looked like as Mulan. But he had only ever seen her disguised as Ping, even though he now knew Ping was a girl.

She didn't know how she did it, but she got up the nerve to stare right back at him and study him too, taking in his handsome features. He was so lost in thought in those moments he didn't notice that she was returning his stare. She wished she could know what he was thinking about her when he stared like that. She could only guess that he was merely trying to see the woman underneath the 'Ping' disguise. That or still thinking about how he was going to kill her.

She never let him see how upset and tense she was. But she was extremely tense. And she was having trouble falling asleep every night again. And whereas before she found some comfort thinking about her captain's handsome face and about him, now all she saw in her mind were his angry glares and his hatred. One night she was so tense that Mushu made her lie on her stomach while he gave her a massage.

"I know you'd prefer to have Captain Li doing this," he quipped.

"That goes without saying, Mushu. But I don't think that's going to happen, unless he wants to do it before he chops my head off. Is there enough of that oil you've been darkening my face with left? Not that it matters anymore, probably, but if I can help it I don't want anyone else knowing."

"I have plenty of that stuff. But if you're so worried, don't go swimming every single night. Why you need to bathe that much is beyond me."

Mulan knew that she had been drawn to the captain the minute she got a glimpse of his physique when he took his shirt off on the first day of training. And that feeling had just gotten stronger and stronger as the weeks had gone by and she had become familiar with every one of his expressions and mannerisms.

Mulan heard the sound of branches crunching under footsteps a short while later. She peered through the trees down toward the path leading back to camp. A moment later the captain appeared. She stiffened, realizing he would probably come to the boulder. Even from the distance she was at she could see that he looked very unhappy. He sank down onto the shore, dropping his face into his hands. He just sat on the ground like that for a long time. She watched him, hardly able to breathe. As the weeks had gone by she had gotten to know every look that crossed his face, even the subtlest ones, had become familiar with every attitude and every detail of his posture. But she'd never seen him look so…defeated. Had she done this to him?

Mulan watched the captain, not daring to move. He lifted his head after a long time and stared out at the lake.

Mushu popped out of her robe. "What's he doing?"

Mulan didn't answer. She just motioned for him to be quiet. She didn't want to move or return to camp until Captain Li had gone, not wanting him to see her. But he just sat there for what seemed like an hour, staring at the lake, looking lost in thought.

After a long time he stood up and took off his robe, tossing it on a tree branch, and headed into the lake. Mulan sucked in her breath at the sight of him. His body was glorious.

"Don't you even think about it, missy."

"Think about what, Mushu?"

Mushu scowled at her. "You know exactly what I mean."

Mulan motioned for him to be quiet and went back to watching Captain Li. He stayed in the water for a long time, it seemed. But he finally got out and dressed, then disappeared up the path toward camp.

"Can we go now?" Mushu said.

"I want to wait until he is back in his tent. I don't want him to see me."

Mushu groaned.

"If you want to go sooner, why don't you go see where he went and let me know when it's safe?"

Mushu gave her a look, but obeyed.

Mulan climbed down from the boulder, stiff and achy from sitting there tensely for so long.

xxxxxxx

Several days passed. Chi Fu told Shang that he wanted to meet with him one evening after dinner, telling him cryptically that he'd finished his report for his father.

While the others were eating, Shang decided to go for a walk in the forest. He needed to be by himself for a while. He hadn't been sleeping thanks to a certain girl in his camp and he was exhausted. He also wanted to unwind and prepare himself for the ordeal of meeting with Chi Fu. He couldn't stand Chi Fu. The man was petty, annoying and obnoxious; a real worm. But Shang knew he had to tolerate him and do so with politeness. He was the Emperor's council and in reality he was in charge. Shang was the captain, but ultimately he answered to Chi Fu, who in turn answered to his father and to the Emperor.

He was a little bit unsettled at the thought of Chi Fu's report. He suspected that Chi Fu had taken down nothing but notes on everything that went wrong and probably hadn't written anything about how the troops had improved and were acting like an organized, efficient regiment now.

Shang walked around the lake to his spot on top of the secluded boulder. He lay on his back on the smooth surface, staring up at the sky, feeling weary. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about Mulan for the past week. As much as he tried to ignore her, he found himself staring at her a lot. He hated himself for it, but he couldn't help himself either. He was so intrigued by her and he was constantly trying to figure her out. What had made her do this? He knew it was for her father; but this was so extreme. What had driven a young girl like her to do such an extreme thing? No other girl in the world would do something even remotely like it. What kind of a girl was she? Maybe she really was insane; with good intentions, but insane nonetheless.

No matter what he was doing, she was always there in his mind now. His emotions had been in turmoil since his discovery of her, raging within him and tearing him apart. Rage, resentment, admiration, respect. He felt all of these emotions and others that he couldn't even explain toward her, and they alternated and mixed within him, confusing and confounding him and leaving him feeling lost. He was angry at himself as well as her. If his father knew about this he would be ashamed of him, getting so worked up and preoccupied over some crazy girl that had run away from home and joined the army dressed as a man. His father had always chided Shang when he was a boy that he had to be focused, self-controlled and disciplined, letting nothing distract him. And Shang had learned that lesson well. He had spent the last few years of his life concentrating solely on training, giving time and thought to nothing else, never allowing himself to lose his self-control, to be distracted. What would his father say if he knew that he had not taken care of this situation as the law demanded, had not even known the truth until he was hit over the head with it by Zhao? What would he say about Shang letting this slip of a girl distract him so? He would be disappointed in him, just as Shang was disappointed in himself.

Sometimes, as the days went on and he kept thinking about her, he would find himself grinning. He felt a sense of pleasure at being the only one who knew about her real identity. He realized that knowing her secret gave him power over her. His gratification would be short-lived as he then remembered how in thrall he still was to her; how much power she had over him now that his thoughts of her were beginning to consume him. He had become inexplicably, inextricably bonded to her all because of her secret and his knowledge of it. And he was helplessly and irresistibly drawn to her.

He felt miserable.

Shang was beginning to doze off as he lay there when the sound of a horse whinnying woke him. He sat up, blinking and shaking off the haze of sleep. He stood and walked to the edge of the boulder. He leaned against one of the trees and looked out toward the lake. He saw Mulan's horse Khan standing on the bank across the lake, drinking. A moment later she appeared, undressed and heading toward the water. Shang knew he probably should have looked away; but it was too late. He'd seen her and all he could do now was stare at her. He almost let out a moan from the longing he felt to touch her. He could see the difference between the normally exposed parts of skin that she had darkened and her real coloring. She wasn't full-figured like many women. She was slim, lithe and sleek. Lovely. There seemed to be a graceful arc to every curve of her body. He watched her as she walked to the lake, so graceful and light on her feet, like a cat. She waded toward the middle of the lake and lowered herself under the water. Shang sighed dreamily, watching as her head came up above the water. He watched her bathe. She had washed her face now and he could see that she had a very young, very pretty face. Her features were delicate and beautiful and her skin was so light and silky. She'd had to darken her face. If she had left it as is, no one would have ever thought she was a boy. And every soldier in camp including him would have fallen for her.

The sound of shouting and laughing interrupted Shang's reverie. A moment later Yao, Ling and Chien-Po came barreling down the path from camp, stripping and running into the water. Mulan! Shang began to panic. She had heard and seen the three others and was backing up, trying to hide behind a rock. The voices bantered back and forth, but he couldn't hear their words. Suddenly, Ling had grabbed her arm and was pulling her out toward the middle of the lake. Shang gasped, watching frantically, knowing he couldn't do anything but pray that they didn't notice what she was. She was keeping one arm crossed over her chest and she was managing to keep everything below her chin under the water. Suddenly, he heard one of the men yell, "Snake!" and saw the three men backing up and scrambling over one another to climb up onto a rock in the middle of the lake. He heard a whistle and saw Mulan backing up toward the shore. Then he saw Khan go charging into the water to protect his little mistress, probably in response to the whistle. She raised herself out of the water and ran to the shore, keeping Khan between herself and the men's line of vision, then she disappeared behind the trees. Shang sank back down onto the boulder, practically collapsing with relief. It took him a few moments to catch his breath and he found himself sweating; he'd been so worried about her being discovered.